Sunday, February 28, 2010

I Get the Feeling

Sometimes I get a lot of feelings around subjects. I feel like I should say a certain thing, or do a certain thing, or be a certain place. Instead of fragmenting myself, I write. I write a lot. I have a journal and I notice I don't write in it as much when I am experiencing stress in a positive sense. I take the time to give thanks and praise for the gifts, good news, less energy wasted, or whatever the case may be, but I don't go into as much detail as I would when I am upset, anger, furious, ready to kill, melancholy.

Melancholy is intoxicating. As does meaning words, melancholy has several meanings. It can mean 1. Sadness or depression of spirits, gloom. 2. Pensive reflective or comtemplative. I experience more of #2. I am quite pensive, reflective and comtemplative. It is truly as much a part of who I am as my eye color. What I like even more is that I have learned to control it, and recognize it, (melancholy) for what it is. I see its benefits in my life and I use it for it usefulness.


Saturday, February 27, 2010

How Did I Know?

I knew my husband was the one when he was willing to make a fool of himself for my sake. He has done this numerous times throughout the 25 years we've been together, but the very first time he did it really solidified a place for him in my heart.

Back in 1985 when we met, there was a rock group called General Public and they had a hit titled Tenderness. I loved that song, but it was really faced paced and my husband was more of a cool dancer, but me, I loved to get into it with the music.

No one really liked to dance to the song because of the pace so when it came on everyone got off the floor but me. We had just met and he wanted to impress me so when he turned around and saw I was dancing to the song, he actually joined in. By the end of the record, he was soaked with sweat. I love to dance and it meant a lot to me he didn't leave me on the floor alone, as I had been left so many times before.

I also knew he loved me when I came home one day and he had taken strips of carpet and nailed them to the wall. It was very decorative, even though I was thrown off by the concept at first. I stood away from the wall so I could take it all in and noticed he had written I love you with his finger in the carpet. Yes, my heart melted, once again.

Then there was the time we broke up and I refused to talk to him. He came to the Gaslight, a hole in the wall we frequented on the weekends. I wouldn't talk to him. The bartender came over to the table and told me to watch to scrolling sign. As I watched, I saw "Jerome loves Wanda" roll by. He had me. The bartender made it a point to tell me he paid them $50 to put that on the sign.

Love is an action word. What a person says means little. It is what they do that tells you whether they are sincere or not.

Friday, February 26, 2010


It always amazes me when people find out how I really am, that they are surprised. Because I can be loud and opinionated, strong in my convictions, and rarely back down from a fight; people also tend to feel I am judgmental. Which is furthest from the truth. I am a person who likes to see people do what is in their best interest. The problem comes in when I do not hesitate to be honest, or say what I believe. Most times what I believe a person could do if they chose to, is the last thing they want to do.

So, people only come to me when they think they want to hear what I believe, think, or advise. Those who walk into my world either walk out liking me, or wishing they never met me. The great thing about me is I am usually the same with everybody, unless I cannot be.

I tried to warn someone that someone they knew would be negative upon hearing news they wanted to tell. This person did not believe me, but as sure as I am beautiful, that person was immediately negative when told the news. I actually got to witness it in real time. I heard every word. No, I'm not happy I was right. It was just one of the many times I have read a person right.

Sometimes people really do just want to know your business just to know. They are with you, not for you, as evidenced by their inability to recognize your feelings when giving advise and listening to your situations, circumstance, etc. Do not be fooled. Everybody is not your friend just because they are friendly. Sometimes people just want to know your business just to know.

Before you share with other married women or men, you need to know how they feel about their own marriage. You can be guaranteed if they aren't where they want to be, they are not going to be able to be objective enough to help you. Married people do need to be real with couples seeking advise, but they do not need to be negative. Unless there is violence, no one should encourage another to divorce. Even when there is infidelity, there can be reconciliation, if the couple can come to an understanding.

Watch who you tell your business to. Take what everyone says with a grain of salt because no one has THE ANSWER, they only know what works for them.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Everybody Plays the Fool, Sometimes

It is so true. Everybody who is smart enough to know they are nothing if they do not love and are not loved, will play the fool at some point in their lives.

For me, I decided I'd stay with the one who made a fool out of me. Since he was so smart, I wanted to see if he could finally figure out how to really get rid of me. Ultimately, he decided it was he, who was the fool and has decided it is cheaper to keep her (me).

You cannot allow yourself the luxury of not sharing your heart and soul with someone. Yes, it is a luxury not to love. Love can be pretty grueling. You really have to be ready to be a catch all, or sometimes you're the pitcher in the game of love. Either way, somebody is going to be hurt in some way. What we must do is recognize to experience love, you must know pain. To be happy, you have to have been sad. What comes around does go around. Sometimes faster than we'd like.

But when it is love we are dishing out, it doesn't matter. Love does conquer all. Love is the key. All we do need is love, love really is all we need. So what if you get your heart broken, be glad you are alive and can feel. Don't stop giving love because one person wasn't able to accept it. There is someone who will not only accept it, but give it back to you.

Yes, everybody plays the fool, sometimes, and no, there are no exceptions to this rule.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Rather Fight than Switch

When I was a kid over 35 years ago, there was a cigarette commercial that feature two cowboys preparing to have a dual in the middle of the street. One was trying to get the other to change his brand of smokes. The other guy proudly stated, "I'd rather fight than switch."

This is the stand we have to take with our marriages. It is so easy to want to give up when things are not like we want them to be, but I am here to tell you that there is no greater victory than that which comes from sticking to your guns and doing the right thing, for the right things sake.

Not many people get married thinking they are going to divorce. Yet, so many marriages end in divorce you would think it was planned from the beginning. What happens is when things hit the marriage, we blame the marriage, when in fact it is normally our inability to deal with our own issues that causes us to lose what we claim to cherish the most.

No matter what, most times if you are married and your marriage fails you are part of the problem. Yes, sometimes one spouse may be more of the problem, but it becomes your problem if you don't recognize it is their personal issue and you try to fix it. We must learn how to be supportive of each other and not try to be their parent, therapist, advisor, etc.

There is a belief held by some people who really believe they are supposed to be everything to their partners, but this is ridiculous. So many marriages fall apart because one or both parties think they know what is best for the other.

We should be on a voyage of discovery in our marriages. We should come into them with wide eyes and truly hopeful thoughts. We should not have high expectations for anyone but ourselves and plan to live up to the vows we couldn't wait to take.

Be honest, be open, keep it real.

Sunday, February 21, 2010


I recently joined Facebook in hopes of spreading the word regarding marriage. I was thrilled to find old friends and one in particular. In high school, we made an effort to spend time with each other and we had great talks and good fun.

We had a long talk yesterday and it was like we had been in each other's lives all this time, when in fact, we literally haven't talked in over 28 years. One thing I know for sure and that is when it is time, it is time. It is time for me to reconnect with a good friend.


I find blogging to be interesting. You have no idea who is reading what you are writing and for me that is just fine. I like to write and I obviously have a lot to say. Blogging gives me the satisfaction of immediately displaying my thoughts, which is something no one could have ever told me could happen. Instant publication, that is.

Being able to instantly publish something you write is thrilling for a writer. Especially one like me who likes to write everyday. I am currently working on a pamphlet titled Writing for Wellness. It encourages individuals to use writing as a form of self-regulation, therapy, and a way to track accomplishments, etc.

Many people think there is some sort of special magic that has to happen to be able to write. Most times all it takes is picking up a pen and paper. So many are astonished at how much they really have to say.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Can't Handle the Truth

I have congenital glaucoma. There is no cure. I have been on drops for a few years now, but somehow I forget to take the second drop. My doctor told me flat out, "You will go blind if you cannot get this under control."

I am in denial. I can't handle the truth. When I was 10 years old, I had a dream I would be blind by the time I was 47. I turned 48 in January and I think the denial has kicked in big time.

I cannot handle the truth.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


I feel different. My thoughts have shifted, my mind has changed about several things I once held in stone. I feel different. I do think the trip to Florida has a lot to do with it. During the weeks before I was to go, I found myself refusing to think about what was to come. I made a conscious decision not to anticipate and I am so glad I did.

My not needing to know, my lack of though towards what I thought I'd see or do, made it possible for me to be completely open to the experience. The entire time I succumbed to the wishes of others. Whatever they wanted to do, I did. I made no suggestions, I just went along. I very seldom, if ever do that. But, while in Florida, I did. I let go, for real.

Wow! Because of my ability to do that, I got a chance to see myself in a different light. I got to see that I am very balanced in the way I deal with others and I think that is why I have the appeal I do with certain individuals.

If you want things to be different, you have to want to be different.


It is amazing how you can meet someone who reminds you of yourself. This has happened to me and I am compelled to try to help this person, because she is much younger than I and already has made so many bad choices.

To find the right words is often hard and I really wonder if I should even say anything because who am I to think I know her because she reminds me of myself? She reminds me of when I was unable to focus, having rapid thoughts, and a vivid imagination that took me from one project to the other, never quite finishing any of them.

I want to tell her that there will come a time in life when you recognize you need to take care of yourself. I can only hope it will be sooner, rather than later in her life. I spent so much of my youth angry, lonely, overwhelmed and lacking true discipline. Now that I am 48, hindsight is 20/20; I see where I went wrong, or could have been more patient, or should have just not done anything. I can see how hating myself, even for a minute, casued me undue stress and humiliation.

I want to believe I can help her.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


I am not the type of person who really misses people when I am away. I've never tried to examine why and to be honest I'm glad I'm that way. When I do see them again, I am usually happy about it.

Well, my husband really missed me the four days I was gone. I thought of him often and actually bought him three gifts. I presented them to him upon my return.

We listened to music and talked a little. I danced for him and he enjoyed it, then we spent time being close and he admitted, "I missed you. I didn't leave the house the entire time you were gone."

Yes, I will be going away more often.

Good Life

I will never be the same after my trip to Florida. Even though I say I was asked to go because of what a good friend I've been, the major reason I went is because I am a writing coach, and I help individuals and small business owners with image consultanting and marketing.

We were treated very well and stayed at the largest Marriott in the world. We were given massages and all expenses were paid. The good life.

Even though I'm not very materialistic, I can appreciate the finer things in life and I most definitely experienced them over the weekend.

The byproduct of the experience is my other clients and potential clients are impressed that others value my services and companionship to such a level. Again, I can't stress enough the importance of being yourself and allowing others to be who they are.

I had a wonderful time in Florida. I have already been asked by another client to go on vacation with her to help her write a book. I've been in business for five years and it has really paid off to stay in touch, be patient and wait on the good life.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Having a Funky Good Time

I am truly a good friend. You know how I know? Because I've being loyal, honest, open and willing to share completely, because of it I'm in Orlando, FL right now. A very good friend brought me with her and we have been literally treated like royalty.

I knew we were in the big time ,as we came down the escalator, there was a man standing at the bottom with a sign that read our names. We were driven to the door of the hotel, we didn't have to check in, and we were given a stipen for our needs.

I always tell this friend, "when I count my blessings, I count you twice." It is true.

I do believe we reap what we sow.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Perception is Reality

I never wanted to get married. My parents were volatile verbally and the banter made me nervous. I often felt pending doom and sick at the stomach. My emotional state was harmed greatly by their seemingly natural hate for each other. Although both were very ambitious, and money making minded people, they were on two different paths from the beginning.

They never learned the techniques I learned to use to learn to live with the man I chose, after he chose me. I asked my husband to marry me, so right off the bat I'm sharing with you that I am holding myself accountable for much of the heartache I have suffered living with him over the past 25 years.

The joy I experienced being marriage came a surprise to me. Because we both had some pretty set ideas about family, we could not see ourselves staying together if we were not married. I know my husband married me because he didn't want to lose me, and that is okay with me. I don't want to lose him either. Being able to express the need for each in a safe way has allowed us to be more loving towards each other.

I have learned to become more agreeable. As I searched to find what I thought it really was that kept me from being close to my husband, I found it was the unwillingness to let him have the right to his say and let it be right to him, if that is how he sees. Early in the relationship I was trying to be images I saw around me. It was exhausting and an empty way of live. The movie Revolutionary Road really show how we conform in this country and lose ourselves. I wasn't going to stay on that track.

I was never really on it. I was just "trying" to be an failing miserably. I had to stop and look at me. Most of my misery came from wanting him to be more like me. Admitting this to myself took years, but when I finally stopped it. My life changed. My need to know lessened greatly. I was able to focus on what I needed to do for me, my goals, my dreams, my wishes, hopes, and desires.

You may not believe this, but you can stop some of the things that are holding you back, from holding you back, by simply changing the way you view them. Perception is reality in many ways, especially for women. Sometime just they we think something is, is, until we find out different. When it comes to men, we need to accept we don't know them. They are not like us and thank God! The day I began to perceive my husband as undiscovered territory, someone to watch grow, instead of telling them where to go, someone to share time with, instead of dictating how time will be spent, someone who can tell me something, instead of someone who is incapable of sharing. We get what we look for, every time.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


Pride has its place. We must take more pride in developing who we are as people. We are normally prideful when it comes to things, or when we are wrong, we use pride to elevate us.

Sometimes, women especially, tend to think pride takes the place of humility. That is not correct. They each have their function. You can have pride and be humbled. It is important we each take pride in ourselves and hold ourselves accountable for our actions.

In this world of immediate gratification, self-centeredness, and lack of human communication, personal pride is getting loss more and more. Because people are so willing to take short-cuts, it is hard to be prideful when you know you have not done your best. You may not realize it consciously, but subconsciously you know.

Check yourself today.

Jenny Sanford

I just watched the interview with First Lady of North Carolina, Jenny Sanford. I am proud of her. Even though she could have stayed with her husband, she was smart enough to realize you can't make someone love you if they don't.

He clearly got on national TV and said he was "trying to fall back in love with my wife." He cried and called the other woman his "soulmate." He talked about having feelings he had never had before. He completely left her no choice but to divorce him.

Women have backbones and we need to use them more. We'll fight to the death to get new living room furniture, or a new outfit, but when a man lets you know he doesn't love you, you had better run, because if he stays and he's already gone, you will pay.

Jenny Sanford is smart. She knows she has to take advantage of this time to rebuild her life without him. She is right, he is lost. He is steeped in spiritual warfare and it was more than obvious during anytime he was interviewed about his marital status.

But wait, he told her these days were coming from the moment they married. He insisted the word faithful be taken out of the wedding vows. She felt he didn't have to say it to mean it. As long as he wanted to marry her, she was okay. He didn't want to say it, because he didn't mean it then, and he doesn't mean it now.

We have to listen. We must pay attention to what men are saying to us and stop wanting to believe what we think they are saying. She could have saved herself a lot of heartache had she waited on a man who knew he wanted to be faithful. I am not saying the man wouldn't have been unfaithful down the line, life does change us, but at least he would have started out on the right foot. Mark Sanford knew from the beginning he was not going to be faithful.

She was impressed by the pages of goals he had for himself as far as how he would make a living etc. What she should have been focusing on was who he was at the time, but all this is after the fact and now she gets start over with a clean slate and a true feeling of freedom because she did what was in her best interest.

It would be a nightmare to live with someone who didn't love you and publicly announced it. even for the sake of the kids. In this case, divorce really was the only answer. He had completely taken her for granted as illustrated by him constantly asking her permission to go see his mistress. Wow! Out of all the things I've heard, that is the hardest to believe. How could he? He knows something about her that she didn't know about herself for him to even think it was okay to ask her that question.

Listen to what they are saying. Pay attention, the signs are always there.


Monday, February 8, 2010

Still Married

Well, according to my lawyer, the fact the year is wrong on our marriage license means nothing in regards to whether the marriage is legal or not. She said, "That is a minor technicality."

So, the "what if," was put to rest.

My husband said, "Oh well, I thought I was going to get out of this."

I told him, "Dear, no one is holding you. You can leave whenever you want."

"If I get a divorce, are you going to give half of what you get when you make it big?"

"No," I said.

"Well, I'm not going anywhere."

It is so good to know you have someone who believes in you. :)

Thursday, February 4, 2010

What if?

Today I remembered something I had forgot. I remembered one day back in 1993, I needed to make a copy of my marriage licence. As I was leaving the copier, I was reading it. When I got down to the bottom, I saw the judge had put 1988, instead of 1989, which was the actual year we were married.

I remembered the rush of excitement that came with the thought that I might not be married to the man I married. In 1993, things were so rough for us, I was in such a dark place, I was ready to walk. The woman who paid for and hosted my wedding told me it was still legal and binding, and I took her word. I never questioned it again, until I mention my remembrance to my husband this morning.

He said, "What if all this has been unnecessary?"

I challenged his response by reminding him that we were only speaking of the "legal" aspect of marriage. I asked, "Why will it have been unnecessary?"

"Well, it would mean I didn't have to put up with you all these years. We would have been married under false pretenses. It will be worse for you. I didn't have to change my name."

I am so proud of myself. I didn't get angry at the fact he was already thinking about the next step. As I pressed him to explain, he continued by telling me if we are not legally married, it is going affect me more than it will him.

He was digging himself in deeper and deeper, but he was saying things I think the average person would say because of the way society views marriage.

For me, the legal aspect only comes into play when he tries to run, or if I catch his wandering eye. I remind him of his legal obligation, first. I have not been held to my marriage because I said 'I do," in front of a judge. I have stayed because I truly believe I am supposed to be with the man I am with, I vowed I would and I meant it. Plain and simple. That is enough for me.

It will be the same with someone else should something happen to this marriage. I probably would not legally marry again, but I would commit to another man. I never needed the confinement of the legal document, but I was so right to recognize, my husband did.

I could tell my husband was fully connected in this conversation about the fact we my not be legally married. I saw the anticipation and of the true possibility he has been as free as he has acted all these years. I should have said, "What difference does it make to you? You have never acted like you've been legally married the entire marriage," but I didn't. I didn't even think it. Wow! That is a great feeling. I have really let go.

So, you may have wondered what I'll do if I find out I am not legally married to the man I legally married? I do not have an answer. I am as intrigued as the rest of you.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


I feel the need to clarify some of my terms. Below is the definition of marriage and its derivatives. Part of the problem in many cases where an argument ensues, is people are using the same words, but meaning different things.

Look at how simple the definition for marriage is, then think about what you think about when you hear the word. Be honest, it was probably not positive, especially if you are married. We expect everything from marriage, when at the most, all we should expect is to have a close union with our spouse, we should be marriageable, and able to agree on the terms of the marriage which are laid out in the vows.

I used the word God in the title of my series of books, Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage, because even in what is termed "legal ceremonies," God is mentioned, especially in America. Throughout the world, most marriage vows include some form of recognition of something greater than the legal aspect of the union through prayer, song, ritual, etc.

Yet, when the marriage seems to be failing, we tend to lean on our own understanding, or that of family and friends, and never quite seek the quiet it takes to get in tune with our Higher Power. Our marriages fail many times because we cannot learn to agree to disagree. We feel because we are married to a person they should be like us, or know what we want, or be everything to us. Read the definition again, and show me where you see any of those things listed.

You can't and you won't. Marriage gives us the opportunity to be better than we could, or would be alone. Marriage offers us the opportunity to learn to communicate, even if it is with only one person. Wouldn't you want that person to be the one you are married to?

Mar*riage - 1a. The legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife. b. Wedlock. 2. A wedding. 3. A close union.

Marriageable - Suitable for marriage, of marrying age. Marriablity, marriageableness.

Marry - 1. To join as spouses by exchanging vows. 2. To combine or blend agreeably.

Monday, February 1, 2010

I Have Issues

I have issues just like everyone else. What sets me apart is I have become determined to look at myself before I make judgements about others. When there is a misunderstanding, (unless I know I am right) then I do all I can to make sure I don't make it worse. When I am talking to people, I do what I can to listen with intent. This practice throws so many people off because they are not used to being listened to. They ask, "Are you there? Are you listening?" I respond, "I'm listening." You really have to close your mouth and quiet the mind to listen.

I still fall a little short when it come to my kids. I'm examining why I think that is. I will say I think it has a lot to do with the fact I have taught them a lot of what they know, so I tend to finish their sentences. Thank God they are enough of their own people to tell me when I'm treading on them.

I have issues. As a matter of fact, I would say I'm a nerd and a little anti-social, in a social kinda of way. I will go somewhere, then sit and observe. Or, I can be a socialite, where I'm the life of the party. I'm fragmented like that. This is another reason why I am a fan of Gestalt therapy.

I have issues. I know I sound all smart and wise, but I'm just as lost in some ways as others are in the ways of self-aware, relationships and the other topics I write about with ease. Now if you want to start talking about managing money, or being a team player, or sports, or TV shows, I'm at a deficit. There are many things I am not good at and you can believe I stay as far away from my limitations as possible. This minimizes the stress I feel. I won't lie. I play up my strengths as much as I can.

According to Strengthsfinder my strengths are:

Self-Assurance - People strong in the Self-Assurance theme feel confident in their ability to manage their own lives. They possess an inner compass that gives them confidence that their decisions are right. This is what we all need. This is how you move forward, no matter what, by believing in yourself.

Achiever - People strong in the Achiever theme have a great deal of stamina and work hard. They take great satisfaction from being busy and productive. So, me.

Communication - People strong in the Communication them generally find it easy to put their thought into words. They are good conversationalists and presenters.

Empathy - People strong in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others' lives or others' situations. This is why I write this blog. I know what you are going through, or at least I "feel" like I do.

Maximizer - People strong in the Maximizer theme focus on strengths as a way to stimulate personal and group excellence. They seek to transform something strong into something superb. I told you.

Challenge yourself to do something that brings you closer to you today.