Friday, March 30, 2012

Why I Only Have 18 Posts Thus Far

I have really been living! Things have truly been happening. For a few months my phone was ringing off the hook. I have been doing things and meeting people, but most of all, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

It took to me almost eight months to tell my husband that we would no longer be intimate. I knew that the day we parted, but I didn't tell him. It has been that hard to accept my marriage is over. It has taken me all this time to say what I had to say and not cry throughout the whole process. I still cried at the end, but I got it all out.

It's all there. I know where to go to get the strength to continue to be the best I can be. I have the ability to protect myself and I must accept responsibility for that fact.

I simply haven't posted because I've been too busy living.


How Sharazad Ali Saved My Marriage

I was once again blessed and favored to have read, understood and participate in media appearances supporting the book, "The Black man's Guide to Understanding the Black woman."

This book saved my marriage from the beginning. I was greatly convicted by many of the pages in the book because either I saw myself, or someone I knew. I couldn't lie to myself and refused to even try. She was on point, on too many points not to be credible. She is 100% right when she says she the black woman has gotten a pass in this country. We have been made to think we can do bad all by ourselves and it sounds good, but our bad is the worse it can be as evidence by the quality of children we have turned out.

My marriage was not at all ideal, but it was real. We both thought we were right, especially in how we conducted ourselves in front of our children. Her books helped me to work on running my mouth, sitting on my fat ass worrying about what he was doing and who he was with; when I should have been up cleaning my house, cooking a decent meal, helping my daughter with her homework, or being the writer I claimed to be.

Her books put a stop to the mothering and coddling I was well on my way into. They helped me to continue to look for the good in him, to have compassion for him, to love him on a more deeper level. Her books made know I was right when I believed that the black woman is not supportive and understanding enough when it comes to the black man. We don't give him enough space to be him. We insist he changes while we try to act like our shit don't stink, but it does and our children, the ones we are rearing while we are doing bad all by ourselves.

I left all that behind and took every moment of my union to my husband to be aware of what we were going through and accept it is what we were creating for the glory of God. I knew my marriage was a covenant and her books helped me keep it that way.

It was Ms. Ali, not my mother who showed me what a real black woman looks like. My mother and father were married until he died. She never had an ounce of respect for him and did allow us to because she talked badly about him to us. The majority of our contact was with her, so of course she was God to us. As I began to formulate my beliefs about relationships they grew further and further from how I was reared. I knew something was sick about the way they lived. Thank God for the gift of discernment.

When I read Ms. Ali's books, the Warrior Wife in me was born and I made immediate alterations in my way of thinking. It was hard to watch my husband fumble with diapers, and make messes, and put on backwards, etc. I only knew because I was a mother at 17. He was running the streets. Her books helped me let him learn on his own. He deserved to have an authentic relationship with my son, just as I did.

I will not lie, my soul is full right now. I thank God I listened and learned. Now that my family is in distress, we all are handling it well because we have always been thoughtful of our children and did not unnecessarily burden them with our relationship and we learned early to put our relationship first. My kids know their parent love each other. The one thing they hate the most is they could never get us to go against each other when it came to them. If one said no, whether the other agreed or not, the other stood by them.

Thank you Sharazad Ali, but unfortunately 25 years later, black woman are worse than they were when you wrote the book in 1989. God help us!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Why The Whole Town Is Laughing at My Husband

My husband had a good thing, when he chose me as his wife. As much as he wants to believe I could have been better, he knows he had the best. Yet, throughout our 26 years of being married, he was unable to appreciate me.

He finally made it clear he was unable to respect me and I did what any self-respecting individual would do, I removed myself from his presence. Now, he's lonely, alone and the whole town is laughing at him, they are wondering, "Silly fool, how'd he lose such a good thing."

I won't take credit for the title. It is taken from a Teddy Pendergrass song released in the 70's, but it is so fitting to what is going on in my marriage.

My husband always wanted to be a player, but there was a side of him that wanted to be a family man. Unfortunately, because of how he was raised and how society perpetuates "Boys will be boys," he thought he would be able to live a dual life and get away with it.

Because I am a praying wife, a forgiving wife, and an understanding wife; he took all those times I said, "You're gonna miss me when I'm gone," lightly.

Today, I had to let him know The past eight months of no intimacy between us is an example of how it will be the rest of our lives, whether we divorce or not. We will not live together, sleep together, or ever make love with each other again.

Bonnie Raitt said it best, "I can't make you love me if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something it won't."

This is true in his case. Because he does not love himself, he couldn't love me. It took me years to fully understand this, but now I got it. As a matter of fact, I don't want him if he does not love himself. Living with him all those years taught me it just doesn't work. Self-love is key to being able to love someone else. It is a must. Everything else is artificial, make believe, a lie.

I told him he has always been the only man for me, but I will do without him before I allow him to ever hurt me again. It is painful to see him and not be able to give him me, but he made it this way and I am going to leave it as it is. I will be alone the rest of my life if necessary, but he can't have another minute of my life.

He will always have a special place in my heart, but never again in my bed.

Friday, March 23, 2012

What I Realized

I was watching criminal minds and the father of a murdered girl was talking about how he had accepted that there were things that were out of his control. He said he learned this after the therapist helped him realize he had experienced guilt feelings for not being able to help his daughter.

Suddenly, I had an epiphany. I realized I had experienced some guilt feelings over my decision to not allow my husband access to me. I know what I am cutting off and at this time, when he needs me the most; yes, at times I will see the uneasiness I felt was guilt. There is a part of me that does feel bad about not taking care of him.

I get over it real quick. I gave him plenty of opportunities to step up and be the man worthy of the woman he had. He would make attempts and talk a good game, but he always reverted right back to his old behaviors.

I must be the woman I was born to be. I have said it before and I'll say it again, I may be a sucker, but I choose who does the licking.

My guilt feelings only serve to remind me I am human and how much I really wanted to keep my promise to always be there for him. 26 years was our forever. What's done is done and I'm gone baby gone.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Healthy Relations

My marriage taught me the difference between healthy and unhealthy relations. For many years I lacked the support I needed and it was mainly due to unhealthy communication techniques. I do believe had my husband and I knew how to express ourselves in a healthy way that we would not have suffered so much in the union.

Now that it is over, I can clearly see how important it is to do all you canto have open and honest communication with your partner. Healthy relations can only occur when the partners actively seek out ways to appropriately engage each other.

Seek to find ways to reach your spouse with judgment and ridicule. To truly have healthy relationships we much begin by thinking healthy thoughts and acting in our own best interest.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

What I Am Going Through

I am experiencing joy everyday. I was asked a very valid question the other day by someone who is interested in getting to know me. My response was literally without a moments hesitation.

"If we were to find we wanted to be together, wouldn't you feel as though you were going against your marriage vows?"

"No, God has truly released me from my marriage. I am free to choose."

Seven months ago you could not have told me that would have come out of my mouth. I have said, and it is true, I was completely committed to my long-term union to the man I married, even though we have been unevenly yoked from the moment we laid eyes on each other.

I stayed the course because I understand that the duties are ours to follow, but the outcome is up to God. I have believe and trusted this all my life. I fully understand that we have to do the work, whether we get what we want in the end or not.

Sad, but true, I needed my marriage to be the woman I am today. I would have never been who I am today, had I not learned how to love, even when I didn't want to. Those folk who have love easy, only reach the Masters level. I have a PhD in loving cause I loved the devil.

I am going through a rapid period of growth. God is helping me strip myself of petty beliefs I was still harboring and that could have held me back in the future. I just experienced something I was sure I never would. It was good, but not right for me. I will continue being open to eradicating myself of the bullshit that keeps me from being the person I can.

What I am going through is amazing to me. God has done me such a wonderful turn. At 50, I almost literally have a clean slate. My children fully understand I plan to make some drastic changes in my lifestyle once my 15 year old is on her way to college. We talk about college everyday. She knows what she has to do.

What I am going through is exhilarating! I feel like I can do anything. I remember how it was just the opposite when I graduated high school. I remember crying to my mentor/friend/cousin Ella Gee, "I don't feel prepared to do anything." Boy, was I wrong. I had given so much thought to the path I wanted to take in life. Had done so much preparation, took advantage of every opportunity that came my way and by the age of 45, I had realized all my personal goals.

Now, at 50 I sit and seek God's will. He gave me what I wanted, which I believe was His will also, but there is something more. I know it.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Brave New World

When I realized God was releasing me from my 26 year marriage, it was an immediate acceptance on a level few words can describe. Not that I instantly stopped loving my husband, or even wanted out of the marriage. It was a profound sense of peace, even though I was madder than I had been in a long time.

I had to make certain choices and I did so with grace and a clear head. There were no second thoughts. I knew, we would never live as man and wife again and I was right.

Seven months later I am enjoying my journey, paying close attention to my options and continuing to expand my horizons. I was walking down the street Wednesday and two different men blew their horns to get my attention. Seven months ago, I would have never even heard the horns, let alone recognized they were for me.

I'm living in a brave new world of freedom and self-expression. Although I never wanted my marriage to end, it did, and I accept the reality it is over.

I like being alone. I love having my king size bed to myself, thinking of myself, doing for myself. Even though I loved being a wife and mother. I love phasing out that part of my life even more. I am so ready to really have more of an opportunity to focus on me. I have been a mother for 32 years, since 17 years old. I took total responsibility for my daughter and haven't looked back since. I did the same for the two I produced with my husband.

I was a great wife. I gave my husband the opportunity to know what it was like to have a family life. I did the best I could with the limited knowledge I had about intimate relationships. As I grew into womanhood, I adjusted my behavior. Unfortunately, my efforts to be a better wife had little to do with whether or not my husband would be a better husband.

In my brave new world, I take with me the knowledge I received during the 26 years I was married to my husband.