A person who does not know how to love and cannot accept love that is given to them is most often driven to self-destruction, because they respond to no other's needs, but their own. There is never a true way to know how far a person will go with this behavior. It is frustrating to know that so many display it within the union of marriage.
The nature of self is designed for preservation. When our basic needs are not met at the appropriate age and time, there is a great possibility we may become anti-social, a sociopath, or psychotic; it just truly deepens on what lies at the base of the soul. Once again, we must examine the nature of intention.
Are you for real, for real? Are or you a carbon copy of the model you saw in a book,? Or a brother you saw on a bike? Are you allowing others to re-dictate your destiny that has already been laid out for you? What is going on at that base of your soul?
I tell you what. We all need to do some deep fishing of our souls and see what we need to catch that is swimming around at that base of us poisoning our ability to honestly share who we are authentically, in a positive way.
My estranged husband has been a wonderful blessing to my life in an absolutely horrible way. I thank my greatest support, The Creator of ALL, for giving me strength, the knowledge, the PATIENCE, the sense of humor, the willingness and capability to ride the rough rail.
When I tell you it was horrible at times, I mean still to this day, but I am free of the bongdage of my mind. Free from the belief that I somehow was obligated to "make him see him."
Oh, dear friend, I paid my dues and now, today? I get to be the woman God intended me to be because I did not abandoned the duty. I stayed on post, still on post, but from the bird's eye view. I get to watch over the empire of love I have built here in my little house. I get to see my son develop into a man of personal integrity and character. My daughter has come to recognize the "truth about dad."
I have not to say a word. Just remain for real, for real.
Showing posts with label separation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label separation. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Moving in the Right Direction
Hindsight truly is 20/20. Being out of my marriage for going on two years has opened my eyes to the reality that we really can lie to ourselves for a long time. I also came to terms with what God was trying to do in my life.
I was in a relationship of my creation. I got out of it what I wanted and a lot of what I didn't want. By the grace of God I survived the whole ordeal, only to have feelings of guilt and despair once it was all over. I didn't want to let go.
I began moving in the right direction once I rid my home of my husband. I had to continue in the direction by removing myself from his life. Due to the fact that we have not family here, and we are still married. When there is an emergency, they call me. I have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is him calling me whenever he needs me. He only calls me when he wants something from me, but let me need him? Well, need I say more.
Now that I am unemployed, one would think he would offer to help with at least our daughter, but he has not offered any assistance at all. Yet, he continues to call me whenever he wants and whatever time he wants and actually expects me to stop what I am doing to be there for him.
Well, I have stopped doing things for him, period. He hasn't taken the hint as he continues to call me to try to get me involved in his life, but I know I must keep moving in the right direction.
I was relieved of my duties as his wife. They are tasks I should have never taken on. I was given a second chance to find true love and happiness and I will not allow myself to be distracted by anyone.
I was in a relationship of my creation. I got out of it what I wanted and a lot of what I didn't want. By the grace of God I survived the whole ordeal, only to have feelings of guilt and despair once it was all over. I didn't want to let go.
I began moving in the right direction once I rid my home of my husband. I had to continue in the direction by removing myself from his life. Due to the fact that we have not family here, and we are still married. When there is an emergency, they call me. I have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is him calling me whenever he needs me. He only calls me when he wants something from me, but let me need him? Well, need I say more.
Now that I am unemployed, one would think he would offer to help with at least our daughter, but he has not offered any assistance at all. Yet, he continues to call me whenever he wants and whatever time he wants and actually expects me to stop what I am doing to be there for him.
Well, I have stopped doing things for him, period. He hasn't taken the hint as he continues to call me to try to get me involved in his life, but I know I must keep moving in the right direction.
I was relieved of my duties as his wife. They are tasks I should have never taken on. I was given a second chance to find true love and happiness and I will not allow myself to be distracted by anyone.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
God's Will Be Done
He turned 53 today. God is amazing.
When you look at his life the last five years, you wonder how a person could endure so much. My heart goes out to him, yet I do not want to spend any time with him. I now fully understand why things happened the way they did. God knew I needed to be prepared to handle the inevitable. I was so involved in my relationship with him. I was wanting was badly for us to work. I was trying to force my will. God knew best.
I will always love him, but I will never love him again. I truly wish him well and want only the best for him. If it is what he wants, I hope he does love again. He is someone who needs the opportunity to learn to love.
I believe in love. I believe in marriage.
When you look at his life the last five years, you wonder how a person could endure so much. My heart goes out to him, yet I do not want to spend any time with him. I now fully understand why things happened the way they did. God knew I needed to be prepared to handle the inevitable. I was so involved in my relationship with him. I was wanting was badly for us to work. I was trying to force my will. God knew best.
I will always love him, but I will never love him again. I truly wish him well and want only the best for him. If it is what he wants, I hope he does love again. He is someone who needs the opportunity to learn to love.
I believe in love. I believe in marriage.
Monday, November 25, 2013
I Don't Recognize Her
I barely recognize the woman I was when I was active in my marriage. The best I can describe it is to compare myself to Adam Sandler's character in the movie "Click."
I was on auto-pilot. I was reacting most of the time or just doing whatever needed to be done, on top of doing me. i can say that I was working on myself every step of the way. Thank God I was enlightened enough to know I had to be my own person. Had I not been I would most definitely been notorious by now.
It is extremely hard to undo devotion. Devotion is an action word. You can often recognize it through what a person does, how often, and for what reason. Being a devoted person it took me a while to let go of the idea that my husband should be the only man to touch me. While I was married I refrained from doing anything that would make a man think I was interested in him. These last two years have been an extreme blow to my psyche. I have had to let go of all I thought I would have the rest of my life.
I never saw myself without my husband. Had he allowed me I would have loved him up until this day. It was not in God's will for me to continue to live with the level of dishonor and disrespect I encountered during my marriage. My way of dealing with it was to understand he really did not know how to be different and truly did not care to be. For me, it was his lack of spiritual base that truly drove us apart.
This woman knows a man who does not know God, does not know how to love or live. That man cannot give anything of value and he cannot lead a home and will resent the woman should she not let things fail since he is unable to do it. This women is fully aware that a person who is selfish and self-centered has little desire to serve others, as they feel completely entitled to what you have and what they are to receive also. This woman knows a man who does not know how to give, well only take and take and take.
Although my marriage was no where near ideal, it was what we created and I would have liked to see if we could have managed to make it into something better. The answering was a resounding no and I have spent two years relieving myself of a marriage that had long went off track. No, I don't recognize that woman who was willing to give up her life for nothing.
I was on auto-pilot. I was reacting most of the time or just doing whatever needed to be done, on top of doing me. i can say that I was working on myself every step of the way. Thank God I was enlightened enough to know I had to be my own person. Had I not been I would most definitely been notorious by now.
It is extremely hard to undo devotion. Devotion is an action word. You can often recognize it through what a person does, how often, and for what reason. Being a devoted person it took me a while to let go of the idea that my husband should be the only man to touch me. While I was married I refrained from doing anything that would make a man think I was interested in him. These last two years have been an extreme blow to my psyche. I have had to let go of all I thought I would have the rest of my life.
I never saw myself without my husband. Had he allowed me I would have loved him up until this day. It was not in God's will for me to continue to live with the level of dishonor and disrespect I encountered during my marriage. My way of dealing with it was to understand he really did not know how to be different and truly did not care to be. For me, it was his lack of spiritual base that truly drove us apart.
This woman knows a man who does not know God, does not know how to love or live. That man cannot give anything of value and he cannot lead a home and will resent the woman should she not let things fail since he is unable to do it. This women is fully aware that a person who is selfish and self-centered has little desire to serve others, as they feel completely entitled to what you have and what they are to receive also. This woman knows a man who does not know how to give, well only take and take and take.
Although my marriage was no where near ideal, it was what we created and I would have liked to see if we could have managed to make it into something better. The answering was a resounding no and I have spent two years relieving myself of a marriage that had long went off track. No, I don't recognize that woman who was willing to give up her life for nothing.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Clearly The Last Days
My estranged husband is experiencing a horrific existence and I cannot and will not ride along throughout the final days.
I invested heavily in him and our marriage during the time we were active. I gave 100%. I was never one to believe in 50/50. The song Teddy Pendergrass sang never made sense to me. I always thought to myself, "How can a whole person only give half of themselves to the person they love?"
So glad i gave my whole self to my husband and the marriage because after being separated for two years and watching the living hell he is experiencing, hindsight is 20/20.
he feels sorry for himself and it is so hard to watch. He is still, five years later in complete denial about why he is where he is today.
Diabetes is a disease of obesity. We both were addicted to food. For him, there were some things he did not fully understand about his family history, plus his lifestyle that made it inevitable he would end up this way if he did not take control of his impulses.
High blood pressure is related to stress in a great way. His lifestyle was reckless. He was purely a I will do it what I want type of guy.
I won't lie; I was intrigued by this attitude. He surely helped bring me out of my shell and when he used his talents in the proper way, he was exciting and fun. We had a lot of fun and did a lot of things.
But, he really did not care. He did not love himself, believe in himself in a positive way, or have any true belief in God. Although when I met him, he was going to church every Sunday, I soon discovered it was a sham. He was only going for show. As a matter of fact, nothing was sincere about him except his desire to go over and slide by. A true con man.
As of last week, he has had four strokes, at least five true heart attacks, both legs removed, left arm not functional, right arm barely functional, lost finger on right hand, kidney failure,Aorta valve replaced, stint put in his basal artery.
God's will be done.
I invested heavily in him and our marriage during the time we were active. I gave 100%. I was never one to believe in 50/50. The song Teddy Pendergrass sang never made sense to me. I always thought to myself, "How can a whole person only give half of themselves to the person they love?"
So glad i gave my whole self to my husband and the marriage because after being separated for two years and watching the living hell he is experiencing, hindsight is 20/20.
he feels sorry for himself and it is so hard to watch. He is still, five years later in complete denial about why he is where he is today.
Diabetes is a disease of obesity. We both were addicted to food. For him, there were some things he did not fully understand about his family history, plus his lifestyle that made it inevitable he would end up this way if he did not take control of his impulses.
High blood pressure is related to stress in a great way. His lifestyle was reckless. He was purely a I will do it what I want type of guy.
I won't lie; I was intrigued by this attitude. He surely helped bring me out of my shell and when he used his talents in the proper way, he was exciting and fun. We had a lot of fun and did a lot of things.
But, he really did not care. He did not love himself, believe in himself in a positive way, or have any true belief in God. Although when I met him, he was going to church every Sunday, I soon discovered it was a sham. He was only going for show. As a matter of fact, nothing was sincere about him except his desire to go over and slide by. A true con man.
As of last week, he has had four strokes, at least five true heart attacks, both legs removed, left arm not functional, right arm barely functional, lost finger on right hand, kidney failure,Aorta valve replaced, stint put in his basal artery.
God's will be done.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
I Miss Being Married
I miss being married and having someone to share my day-to-day with. Whenever something happens, I think of the man I married first. I still want to share everything with him and I can't. This is the tragedy of separation and divorce. They cut you off from that which you have desired the most and for the longest. We had so many years in and to have it all fall down was hard for me.
I know the separation is for the best and the only answer for us. Still, it does not stop me from being desirous of a healthy, loving relationship. Don't know if I'll ever marry again. Right know, I just miss being married.
I know the separation is for the best and the only answer for us. Still, it does not stop me from being desirous of a healthy, loving relationship. Don't know if I'll ever marry again. Right know, I just miss being married.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
A New Dawn, A New Day and I'm Feeling Gooood!
Well, I can say I am officially over my marriage and ready to take the next step, whatever that may be. Although I completely believe in marriage, I am glad I no longer have to work so hard. Marriage is hard work even when it goes well.
My marriage suffered greatly because only one of us was really putting forth effort. Now that it is over I recognize how exhausted I am from being the bigger person.
Now that it is a new dawn, a new day, I am feeling good about my future relationships. I do believe I will have the tools to be an excellent partner, should I choose to be.
Right now, I am just basking in the glow of being free to be me.
Peace
My marriage suffered greatly because only one of us was really putting forth effort. Now that it is over I recognize how exhausted I am from being the bigger person.
Now that it is a new dawn, a new day, I am feeling good about my future relationships. I do believe I will have the tools to be an excellent partner, should I choose to be.
Right now, I am just basking in the glow of being free to be me.
Peace
Thursday, January 17, 2013
When It Is Over
I know for sure, without a doubt my intimate relationship is over with my estranged husband. There is no part of me that wants to believe in any possiblity that things could be different. As I bask in my new found freedom, I can't help but notice how much more alive I feel with less stress in my life. I gave my all to my marriage and it was most definitely not in vain. I gained me.
My marriage grew me up, straightened me out and showed me how strong and capable I truly am. When it is over, you know it and it is over for me. Now, I only think of him as the father of my children and someone I used to love. Sometimes I do miss loving him, but when I really think about it, it's not him I miss as much as I miss the act of loving.
After I finished talking to him, I felt a deep sigh of relief. Partially because I could tell he is finally maturing and it is a blessing. The other part of the relief comes from not being attached. Even though I like being attached, I like not being attached even better. Relationships, especially intimate take a lot of work.
When it is over, there is a sense of closure and accomplishment. I still help him when I can, but I no longer feel obligated. He has freed me from that by letting me know he knows he didn't do his best to be a husband to me.
Better luck next time.
My marriage grew me up, straightened me out and showed me how strong and capable I truly am. When it is over, you know it and it is over for me. Now, I only think of him as the father of my children and someone I used to love. Sometimes I do miss loving him, but when I really think about it, it's not him I miss as much as I miss the act of loving.
After I finished talking to him, I felt a deep sigh of relief. Partially because I could tell he is finally maturing and it is a blessing. The other part of the relief comes from not being attached. Even though I like being attached, I like not being attached even better. Relationships, especially intimate take a lot of work.
When it is over, there is a sense of closure and accomplishment. I still help him when I can, but I no longer feel obligated. He has freed me from that by letting me know he knows he didn't do his best to be a husband to me.
Better luck next time.
Full Circle
Wednesday afternoon I received a call from my estranged husband that has been exactly what I needed to have full closure.
I took all of 2012 and allowed myself to purge myself of the attachment feelings that were plaguing me. My heart was really invested and it took that long to smolder the fire that had burned for so long.
Well, he called me and said, "I miss you Wanda. I miss having you in my life, especially now."
I couldn't believe he was actually owning up to his role in the demise of our relationship. It only took almost two years. When we initially broke up, he actually had the nerve to call me and try to force me to say it was my fault. I said nothing and he eventually hung up. Yesterday was completely different. He said, "I will say I was 80% responsible for what happened in our marriage and I don't blame you for not wanting to be with me. You were the only person who really loved me and although I don't regret much in my life because I made the choice, I do regret not doing right by you."
I said nothing. There was nothing to say. He made a point to tell me he loved me and told him I loved him too, and I do, but I never want to live with him again.
He also admitted that he just wanted immediate gratification. He wanted to do what he wanted to do and I let him. Hindsight is 20/20, but now it is too late. I do not want to look back. I am sure he would probably be a better husband, now, but I cannot take the chance. There is too much at stake. I have done what I should have done and God has blessed me immensely. I refuse to second guess when I know for sure, we cannot be together.
I appreciate the call and I do believe he thinks he loves me or at least should love me, but I know he really cannot until he learns to love himself.
I took all of 2012 and allowed myself to purge myself of the attachment feelings that were plaguing me. My heart was really invested and it took that long to smolder the fire that had burned for so long.
Well, he called me and said, "I miss you Wanda. I miss having you in my life, especially now."
I couldn't believe he was actually owning up to his role in the demise of our relationship. It only took almost two years. When we initially broke up, he actually had the nerve to call me and try to force me to say it was my fault. I said nothing and he eventually hung up. Yesterday was completely different. He said, "I will say I was 80% responsible for what happened in our marriage and I don't blame you for not wanting to be with me. You were the only person who really loved me and although I don't regret much in my life because I made the choice, I do regret not doing right by you."
I said nothing. There was nothing to say. He made a point to tell me he loved me and told him I loved him too, and I do, but I never want to live with him again.
He also admitted that he just wanted immediate gratification. He wanted to do what he wanted to do and I let him. Hindsight is 20/20, but now it is too late. I do not want to look back. I am sure he would probably be a better husband, now, but I cannot take the chance. There is too much at stake. I have done what I should have done and God has blessed me immensely. I refuse to second guess when I know for sure, we cannot be together.
I appreciate the call and I do believe he thinks he loves me or at least should love me, but I know he really cannot until he learns to love himself.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Ten Months
My husband and I have been separated ten months. It has been a blast for me. The mental revival and renewal is just what I needed. At 50 years old, my way of thinking has changed so drastically until I barely suffered at all. God has released me completely from my marriage and know that it is over I can look back and see what He was doing all the time.
My husband has never been the ideal mate, but I didn't require that as much as I required someone who put the time in. He did that, as much as he could anyway. In June, we will have been married 23. August marks our 27th year of being apart of each other's lives. He has been there whether he was completely functional or not. Considering what he had to work with I marvel at how much he was able to accomplish.
My son and I were talking the other day and he said, "My dad was there for me. I knows he loves me."
To a mother, that means the world because she knows her child has gotten what he needed. All children need to know they are loved no matter what they have or do not have, love is the key that will unlock their potential to be the best human beings they can be.
Although my marriage has come to an end, I will always advocate for marriage because it is most definitely important and needed in this society and world. Marriage is the bedrock of any nation. Families make the world worthwhile. Families fuel the economy. Families keep the species alive.
Marriage give purpose to it all. I am proud of our efforts. I truly believe a couple's children reveal the truth about their household. If that is true, then we did great.
My husband has never been the ideal mate, but I didn't require that as much as I required someone who put the time in. He did that, as much as he could anyway. In June, we will have been married 23. August marks our 27th year of being apart of each other's lives. He has been there whether he was completely functional or not. Considering what he had to work with I marvel at how much he was able to accomplish.
My son and I were talking the other day and he said, "My dad was there for me. I knows he loves me."
To a mother, that means the world because she knows her child has gotten what he needed. All children need to know they are loved no matter what they have or do not have, love is the key that will unlock their potential to be the best human beings they can be.
Although my marriage has come to an end, I will always advocate for marriage because it is most definitely important and needed in this society and world. Marriage is the bedrock of any nation. Families make the world worthwhile. Families fuel the economy. Families keep the species alive.
Marriage give purpose to it all. I am proud of our efforts. I truly believe a couple's children reveal the truth about their household. If that is true, then we did great.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
When A Woman's Fed Up
R. Kelly has done a lot of wrong, but one thing he is truly right about is when a woman's fed up, there ain't nothing you can do about it.
I never wanted to get to this place. I did all within my power to stay in my marriage. Even though it was awful at times, I believed and obeyed and stayed. I didn't seek to use every little slight, mistake, etc., to get rid of my husband. Even though he broke our vows over and over, in every way. I stayed and prayed for God's will to be done within our marriage.
After seeing my estranged husband yesterday, and not feeling that familiar flutter in my heart, I knew I was completely free. One of the things we had going for us is that we both were still very physically attracted to each other. Whereas before yesterday, I would look at him and think, "Oh, I love him." Yesterday when I saw him and he approached me, I had to look twice. I saw him and knew it was him, but for some reason it didn't register the same way. I actually spoke and moved on my way. There really is nothing left to be said. Whatever we had is over.
I am so okay with it being over. I never worked at anything as hard as I did my marriage. To know how much effort I put into to the marriage, only to have it all snatched away was devastating when it first happened. Now, I'm grateful. I don't look back. There is no bitterness, only betterness.
I never wanted to get to this place. I did all within my power to stay in my marriage. Even though it was awful at times, I believed and obeyed and stayed. I didn't seek to use every little slight, mistake, etc., to get rid of my husband. Even though he broke our vows over and over, in every way. I stayed and prayed for God's will to be done within our marriage.
After seeing my estranged husband yesterday, and not feeling that familiar flutter in my heart, I knew I was completely free. One of the things we had going for us is that we both were still very physically attracted to each other. Whereas before yesterday, I would look at him and think, "Oh, I love him." Yesterday when I saw him and he approached me, I had to look twice. I saw him and knew it was him, but for some reason it didn't register the same way. I actually spoke and moved on my way. There really is nothing left to be said. Whatever we had is over.
I am so okay with it being over. I never worked at anything as hard as I did my marriage. To know how much effort I put into to the marriage, only to have it all snatched away was devastating when it first happened. Now, I'm grateful. I don't look back. There is no bitterness, only betterness.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Ode To Elizabeth Edwards: Part Two
John Edwards is paying publically for his sins. What is happening to him and my husband is a great example of you betta watch who you mistreat. What comes around have come back around for them in a big way.
No one could have ever told me my husband would end up in the state he is currently in, yet it is God's will. He lived a reckless life and know he couldn't tie his shoes, or shall I say, shoe, if he wanted to. The same body he used to misuse and mistreat others is almost completely no good time him now. He is living a lonely life, left on his own to deal with what he has created.
Look at John. He is front page news because of his blatant misuse of power trying to conceal his adulterous activities that led to the birth of a child. He is pleading innocent when the proof is overwhelming. How could he? The same way he did what he wasn't supposed to do, blatantly and without any thought of what would follow should he be caught.
I am glad Elizabeth didn't have to live to face the further humiliation brought on by her husband's lack of indiscretion. I on the other, have disconnected myself from my husband. Even when we were together, I didn't let his choices affect my life as much as possible. I would have never wished the life be literally zapped from him, I love his free spirit and independent ways, but as I mentioned earlier God's will is in progress. Maybe both John Edwards and my husband will see the light. Maybe the won't, but they sure will pay for living in darkness.
No one could have ever told me my husband would end up in the state he is currently in, yet it is God's will. He lived a reckless life and know he couldn't tie his shoes, or shall I say, shoe, if he wanted to. The same body he used to misuse and mistreat others is almost completely no good time him now. He is living a lonely life, left on his own to deal with what he has created.
Look at John. He is front page news because of his blatant misuse of power trying to conceal his adulterous activities that led to the birth of a child. He is pleading innocent when the proof is overwhelming. How could he? The same way he did what he wasn't supposed to do, blatantly and without any thought of what would follow should he be caught.
I am glad Elizabeth didn't have to live to face the further humiliation brought on by her husband's lack of indiscretion. I on the other, have disconnected myself from my husband. Even when we were together, I didn't let his choices affect my life as much as possible. I would have never wished the life be literally zapped from him, I love his free spirit and independent ways, but as I mentioned earlier God's will is in progress. Maybe both John Edwards and my husband will see the light. Maybe the won't, but they sure will pay for living in darkness.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
When God Calls You
Seven years ago I got the shock of my life in two ways. I got an investor who gave me money to open my publishing company and my husband began an affair. I was in between being the happiest and the sadest I've ever been. When I confronted my husband about the toher woman, he said, "Well, I guess you want me to move out."
I immediately heard my God voice tell me to say "No." I heard my mouth say no, and immediately went into the bedroom to ask God what was going on.When you are truly called by God, and are open to it and accept it; you are compelled to do whatever He asks without reservation. Whether you understand or not. I wrote about what I felt God wanted me to do. I tell all in the series Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage.
I originally thought God was leading me toward being with my husband forever. Then there was some indications otherwise. Finally, in July of this year, God freed me from my marriage. I was to completely get out of the way. I must admit, it is hard to sit on the sidelines, but that's all I am mandated to do. When God calls you, you must obey, no matter what you think should be, He knows best.
Silly Rabbit
Unfortunately, my estranged husband can only function under great distress. He makes choices that never benefit him in the long-run, but cannot seem to figure out to do something different. I was doing all I could to make his life less complicated since he is unable to utilize both his hands effectively. He had problem with a statement a made and became combative. Of course I pulled out of our arrangement immediately, as I was simply trying to "do the right thing," by him, since I am still "legally married" to him.
He called yesterday and left a message that he needed to go to the hospital. I silly can a person be? He called me to tel me to tell his son he MAY need him to take him to the hospital. Anyway!
He thought I was going to come running. Those days are over for good. He needs to find another flunky because I've done my time. It is more than obvious he wants to misuse me in anyway and for as long as possible.
I keep trying to tell him "Silly rabbit," tricks are for kids. Grow up and be the man you claim you are. Stop leaning and begin learning. When will you accept, you get what you put out in life. In his case, nothing from nothing leaves nothing.
He called yesterday and left a message that he needed to go to the hospital. I silly can a person be? He called me to tel me to tell his son he MAY need him to take him to the hospital. Anyway!
He thought I was going to come running. Those days are over for good. He needs to find another flunky because I've done my time. It is more than obvious he wants to misuse me in anyway and for as long as possible.
I keep trying to tell him "Silly rabbit," tricks are for kids. Grow up and be the man you claim you are. Stop leaning and begin learning. When will you accept, you get what you put out in life. In his case, nothing from nothing leaves nothing.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Old Habits Really Do Die Hard
I want to take care of him as I have always done, still after being separated over 9 months. Even though I am happy with my life, there is a great part of me that still wants to be a wife to him. In a way, I am sort of proud of myself because I have some full circle and can see that I was serious about my marriage.
I continued to do what I believed I was mandated to do until the bitter end. The fact I was willing to be in his presence at all says a lot. He really did me dirty, but it was nothing God couldn't see me through, and he did. Yet, I yearn to be a wife to him.
Old habits really do die hard. 26 years is a long time to love and truly care for someone. You can't just go cold turkey without some type of withdrawal. I have not tried to force anything on myself. I have allowed myself to naturally moved pass my feelings for him.
I continued to do what I believed I was mandated to do until the bitter end. The fact I was willing to be in his presence at all says a lot. He really did me dirty, but it was nothing God couldn't see me through, and he did. Yet, I yearn to be a wife to him.
Old habits really do die hard. 26 years is a long time to love and truly care for someone. You can't just go cold turkey without some type of withdrawal. I have not tried to force anything on myself. I have allowed myself to naturally moved pass my feelings for him.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Dealing With Delicate Issues
I have noticed since we have been separated my husband is better with dealing with delicate issues. I can't help but believe not having the day-to-day pressure of the family has allowed to him to view things more clearly.
It is very refreshing not to run into his ego every time I try to talk to him about something of importance. Still, I do not wish to be in a relationship with him any longer. I thought I would miss him by now, but I really don't. I am so glad to be free of the negativity that he carried with him like a badge. I am grateful we are able to be civil, but that is far as I want to take it.
I told him the first time he tried to come back that I wanted to see where this separation will take us. Neither one of us is in a hurry to divorce. He said he is not wanting one because he doesn't want to get married again. He knows he liked being married, he just can't admit to himself, because he can't do the right thing. That's just fine because he is now free to do what he wants, whether we are legally married or not, I am out of his life.
Still, it is very refreshing to know he is getting better at dealing with delicate issues.
It is very refreshing not to run into his ego every time I try to talk to him about something of importance. Still, I do not wish to be in a relationship with him any longer. I thought I would miss him by now, but I really don't. I am so glad to be free of the negativity that he carried with him like a badge. I am grateful we are able to be civil, but that is far as I want to take it.
I told him the first time he tried to come back that I wanted to see where this separation will take us. Neither one of us is in a hurry to divorce. He said he is not wanting one because he doesn't want to get married again. He knows he liked being married, he just can't admit to himself, because he can't do the right thing. That's just fine because he is now free to do what he wants, whether we are legally married or not, I am out of his life.
Still, it is very refreshing to know he is getting better at dealing with delicate issues.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Doing the Right Thing
I have been going over to my husband's apartment and cleaning and cooking for him. It is not as hard as I thought it would be. I am used to doing the right thing, so when he said he no longer had anyone who was willing to help him, I did not hesitate because it was the right thing to do.
Although it is the right thing to do, it is extremely hard seeing him without the leg and use of his left hand. I really wish him well. It is too bad he has made the choices he has. He needs to be home with his family but he gave us up for nothing. Now that he needs us the most, no one really wants to be bother with him.
He was good the first few times we went out. He kept his mouth shut. This last time I got tight because he's a backseat driver and extremely opinionated when it is not warranted. I do not know how much longer I am going to be able to help him.
I stay in prayer.
Although it is the right thing to do, it is extremely hard seeing him without the leg and use of his left hand. I really wish him well. It is too bad he has made the choices he has. He needs to be home with his family but he gave us up for nothing. Now that he needs us the most, no one really wants to be bother with him.
He was good the first few times we went out. He kept his mouth shut. This last time I got tight because he's a backseat driver and extremely opinionated when it is not warranted. I do not know how much longer I am going to be able to help him.
I stay in prayer.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
The Kind Wife I Am
You really do not know what you would do until the situation arises. I told myself, and I still believe, that I could have cared less if I ever saw my husband again. Yet, when he called me and said he needed help, I was there.
Even though I could see clearly through my parents marriage, and had little tolerance for how they behaved in it; I didn't want to marry because I never believed a man could be as true to me, as I would be to him. I have always know and felt deeply that I was a ride or die type of person period. Even more so in a marriage.
My husband desired greatly to be a better husband, father and man. He did not succeed by his own standards. I had to learn to allow him to make mistakes and use prayer, understanding, and forgivenss, but most of all kindness to help combat the effects of the spiritual warfare he was going through.
For me, it came down to me being the kind of wife I wanted to be whether he was or is the husband he claims to want to be. He knows where he went wrong.
Even though I could see clearly through my parents marriage, and had little tolerance for how they behaved in it; I didn't want to marry because I never believed a man could be as true to me, as I would be to him. I have always know and felt deeply that I was a ride or die type of person period. Even more so in a marriage.
My husband desired greatly to be a better husband, father and man. He did not succeed by his own standards. I had to learn to allow him to make mistakes and use prayer, understanding, and forgivenss, but most of all kindness to help combat the effects of the spiritual warfare he was going through.
For me, it came down to me being the kind of wife I wanted to be whether he was or is the husband he claims to want to be. He knows where he went wrong.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Why I Only Have 18 Posts Thus Far
I have really been living! Things have truly been happening. For a few months my phone was ringing off the hook. I have been doing things and meeting people, but most of all, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
It took to me almost eight months to tell my husband that we would no longer be intimate. I knew that the day we parted, but I didn't tell him. It has been that hard to accept my marriage is over. It has taken me all this time to say what I had to say and not cry throughout the whole process. I still cried at the end, but I got it all out.
It's all there. I know where to go to get the strength to continue to be the best I can be. I have the ability to protect myself and I must accept responsibility for that fact.
I simply haven't posted because I've been too busy living.
Peace
It took to me almost eight months to tell my husband that we would no longer be intimate. I knew that the day we parted, but I didn't tell him. It has been that hard to accept my marriage is over. It has taken me all this time to say what I had to say and not cry throughout the whole process. I still cried at the end, but I got it all out.
It's all there. I know where to go to get the strength to continue to be the best I can be. I have the ability to protect myself and I must accept responsibility for that fact.
I simply haven't posted because I've been too busy living.
Peace
How Sharazad Ali Saved My Marriage
I was once again blessed and favored to have read, understood and participate in media appearances supporting the book, "The Black man's Guide to Understanding the Black woman."
This book saved my marriage from the beginning. I was greatly convicted by many of the pages in the book because either I saw myself, or someone I knew. I couldn't lie to myself and refused to even try. She was on point, on too many points not to be credible. She is 100% right when she says she the black woman has gotten a pass in this country. We have been made to think we can do bad all by ourselves and it sounds good, but our bad is the worse it can be as evidence by the quality of children we have turned out.
My marriage was not at all ideal, but it was real. We both thought we were right, especially in how we conducted ourselves in front of our children. Her books helped me to work on running my mouth, sitting on my fat ass worrying about what he was doing and who he was with; when I should have been up cleaning my house, cooking a decent meal, helping my daughter with her homework, or being the writer I claimed to be.
Her books put a stop to the mothering and coddling I was well on my way into. They helped me to continue to look for the good in him, to have compassion for him, to love him on a more deeper level. Her books made know I was right when I believed that the black woman is not supportive and understanding enough when it comes to the black man. We don't give him enough space to be him. We insist he changes while we try to act like our shit don't stink, but it does and our children, the ones we are rearing while we are doing bad all by ourselves.
I left all that behind and took every moment of my union to my husband to be aware of what we were going through and accept it is what we were creating for the glory of God. I knew my marriage was a covenant and her books helped me keep it that way.
It was Ms. Ali, not my mother who showed me what a real black woman looks like. My mother and father were married until he died. She never had an ounce of respect for him and did allow us to because she talked badly about him to us. The majority of our contact was with her, so of course she was God to us. As I began to formulate my beliefs about relationships they grew further and further from how I was reared. I knew something was sick about the way they lived. Thank God for the gift of discernment.
When I read Ms. Ali's books, the Warrior Wife in me was born and I made immediate alterations in my way of thinking. It was hard to watch my husband fumble with diapers, and make messes, and put on backwards, etc. I only knew because I was a mother at 17. He was running the streets. Her books helped me let him learn on his own. He deserved to have an authentic relationship with my son, just as I did.
I will not lie, my soul is full right now. I thank God I listened and learned. Now that my family is in distress, we all are handling it well because we have always been thoughtful of our children and did not unnecessarily burden them with our relationship and we learned early to put our relationship first. My kids know their parent love each other. The one thing they hate the most is they could never get us to go against each other when it came to them. If one said no, whether the other agreed or not, the other stood by them.
Thank you Sharazad Ali, but unfortunately 25 years later, black woman are worse than they were when you wrote the book in 1989. God help us!
This book saved my marriage from the beginning. I was greatly convicted by many of the pages in the book because either I saw myself, or someone I knew. I couldn't lie to myself and refused to even try. She was on point, on too many points not to be credible. She is 100% right when she says she the black woman has gotten a pass in this country. We have been made to think we can do bad all by ourselves and it sounds good, but our bad is the worse it can be as evidence by the quality of children we have turned out.
My marriage was not at all ideal, but it was real. We both thought we were right, especially in how we conducted ourselves in front of our children. Her books helped me to work on running my mouth, sitting on my fat ass worrying about what he was doing and who he was with; when I should have been up cleaning my house, cooking a decent meal, helping my daughter with her homework, or being the writer I claimed to be.
Her books put a stop to the mothering and coddling I was well on my way into. They helped me to continue to look for the good in him, to have compassion for him, to love him on a more deeper level. Her books made know I was right when I believed that the black woman is not supportive and understanding enough when it comes to the black man. We don't give him enough space to be him. We insist he changes while we try to act like our shit don't stink, but it does and our children, the ones we are rearing while we are doing bad all by ourselves.
I left all that behind and took every moment of my union to my husband to be aware of what we were going through and accept it is what we were creating for the glory of God. I knew my marriage was a covenant and her books helped me keep it that way.
It was Ms. Ali, not my mother who showed me what a real black woman looks like. My mother and father were married until he died. She never had an ounce of respect for him and did allow us to because she talked badly about him to us. The majority of our contact was with her, so of course she was God to us. As I began to formulate my beliefs about relationships they grew further and further from how I was reared. I knew something was sick about the way they lived. Thank God for the gift of discernment.
When I read Ms. Ali's books, the Warrior Wife in me was born and I made immediate alterations in my way of thinking. It was hard to watch my husband fumble with diapers, and make messes, and put on backwards, etc. I only knew because I was a mother at 17. He was running the streets. Her books helped me let him learn on his own. He deserved to have an authentic relationship with my son, just as I did.
I will not lie, my soul is full right now. I thank God I listened and learned. Now that my family is in distress, we all are handling it well because we have always been thoughtful of our children and did not unnecessarily burden them with our relationship and we learned early to put our relationship first. My kids know their parent love each other. The one thing they hate the most is they could never get us to go against each other when it came to them. If one said no, whether the other agreed or not, the other stood by them.
Thank you Sharazad Ali, but unfortunately 25 years later, black woman are worse than they were when you wrote the book in 1989. God help us!
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