Tuesday, December 27, 2011

It Took Me Fifty Years to Learn

Even though I would be the first to tell you I do not believe in romance, I believe deeply in true love. It took me 50 years to learn that love don't love nobody. I really believed my love could change my husband. I learned love can only make a difference if the recipient is open to it.

A closed vessel cannot receive. He was not open to being loved for who he was. He wanted to me buy into the lie he was selling and when I refused, he refused to appreciate what I did have to offer, which was true friendship and honesty. I offered him an alternative to living a mediocre life and he resented the implication that he was not living well enough only thinking of himself.

I asked for too much and learned to hard way that love don't love nobody.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Are You a Winner or a Loser?

The winner is always a part of the answer.
The loser is always a part of the problem.
The winner always has a program.
The loser always has an excuse.
The winner says, "Let me do it for you."
The loser says, "That's not my job."
The winner sees an answer for every problem.
The loser sees a problem in every answer.
The winner sees a green near every sand trap.
The loser sees two or three sand traps near every green.
The winner says, "It may be difficult but it's possible."
The loser says, "It may be possible, but it's too difficult."

The choice is yours at any given minute. We were all born to win!

Why So Many Women Choose the Wrong Man

Many of us choose the wrong man because who do not understand our worth.

LIFE 101

"There is nothing you need to do to become worthy. You already are worth. You don't even have to discover your worthiness. You can feel utterly worthless and still be worthy. People have said, "I don't feel worthy to be alive." But you are alive; therefore, you must be worthy. It's very simple: If you're not worth life, you don't have it. Worthiness is a given. It has nothing to do with action, thoughts, feelings, mind, body, emotions, or anything else. You are worthy because you are. PERIOD!"

Not too much I can add, except believe it!

My Prayer for You

This is a prayer I would read everyday when I had problems will trying to control others. See if it helps you. Peace

My Prayer for You

when you're lonely

I wish you love

when you're down

I wish you joy

when you're troubled

I wish you peace

when thing are complicated

I wish you simple beauty

when things are chaotic

I wish you inner silence

when things look empty

I wish you hope.


May God continue to keep and bless you.

What Is Love?

According to St. Paul in the book of Corinthians Love is:

Love is patient, love is kind.

Love is not jealous, it does not put on airs, it is not snobbish.

Love is never rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not prone to anger;

neither does it brood over injuries.

Love does not rejoice in what is wrong,

but rejoices with the truth.

There is no limit to love's forbearance, its truth, its hope and its power to endure.

So many of us want to believe we know how to love, but just reading the first line, many of us know right off the bat, we don't. Love is patient? Really? How often are you short tempered with folk you claim to love? I would go as far as to say that we are less patient with people we profess to care about the most.

The same goes for being kind. How often are you kind to those you claim to love? Take time and really think about who you save your kindness for. Remember, charity begins at home.

Putting on airs is the biggest proponent of our Romantic love in this country. We are not happy unless we are building these elaborate facades trying desperately to get others to believe we love them.

Love is not self-seeking. Unfortunately, self-seeking is one of the biggest reasons people do not feel loved. The people around them are looking out for themselves and so are they. Where are the real people at? The folk who know it is truly about give and take. Not take and take and take and take.

Love, if it is true, can and will endure anything. Who do you love?

How The Man I Married Will Leave With Less Than He Did When He Came

I am devastated! The man I married was told due to not responding quickly enough to an infection in his upper hip, he will have to have his thigh and leg removed on his right side.

He has not been paying attention to his health even more so since he's been away from the house. He really relied on me to keep an eye on things and he refuses to do it himself. Now, he will live this earth with less than he did when he came.

He may very well leave his eyesight, hearing and God knows what else, along with four toes and the leg and thigh. I cannot imagine how he feels, I really can't. I broke down and cried when I heard the news.

Diabetes and high blood pressure are nothing to play with. Unfortunately, he let things go for way too long. All I do is pray. There is nothing else I can do. Absolutely nothing!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Like You, You'll Love You

I wrote this poem when I was 15 years old.

Like You, You'll Love You

You never want to be who you are.

You look at others and admire them from afar

You never look at yourself and say,

"I'm the best I can be."

You always look and say,

"I don't like me."

If you don't like yourself, life will always be hard to live.

Just remember you have all God had to give.

Make the best of you,

You are all you've got.

Forget about others and what you're not.

Be yourself and you'll soon see;

that who you are is who you would rather be.

It took me years to actually live this poem. When I write poetry, it is usually out of great pain, or joy. When I wrote this one, I was trying desperately to make myself believe I was worthy. I was in my 30's before I actually felt the words of the poem. Wow! How cruel we are to ourselves, yet we expect others to like and care about us. I learned the hard way folk treat you like you allow them to. They can tell when you don't like yourself and will take full advantage.

Like you, you'll love you. Start today.

Why You Should Be Glad You Cannot Control Others

"The only thing you can take charge of is the space within the skin of your own body. That's it. Everything (and, especially, everyone) else does not belong to that of which you can take charge. Considering the vastness of the Universe, "the space within the skin of your own body' doesn't sound like much. But consider what's contained in there: your mind, your body, your emotions, and whatever sense of You you've got. That, to paraphrase Sir Thomas More, is not a bad public."

When we are trying to control others, we are missing out on another opportunity to get know ourselves. You should glad you have only you to control, but most of are not. We are too afraid to deal with who we really are, so we hide behind controlling others. If you are a true control freak, you probably run into a lot of resistance and this is just as it should be. Everyone comes here with what they need to do what is necessary for them. As parents, the most we can truly do is guide our children, yet we spend years keeping them dependent on us, then resenting them when they want their own lives.

Be glad you cannot control other people that gives you more time to do you. Get a life. Leave other people's business alone. Stop thinking you know everything, or that you are right all the time. What other people eat don't make you fat and that is how it should be. Live your own life, please!

Why Some of Us Never Accomplish Much in Life

"Successful achievement requires the use and coordination of three things, thoughts, feelings, and actions. thoughts spark the process, get it going. Feelings keep the thoughts alive, encourage more thoughts, and get the body moving. Action is important to accomplish the physical tasks necessary for achievement."

The reason folk do not accomplish more in life is because their thoughts, feelings, and actions do not line up with what they claim the want to do.

I get people asking me all the time how I have accomplished as much as I have during my lifetime. It is because I keep these three things aligned. When I think of something I want to do. I immediately check how strong a feeling I have about pursuing whatever it is. If the feeling is strong, and I cannot deny it; I proceed to being the tasks necessary to get the job done. Plain and simple.

You've got move something to get something done.

The Quote That Changed My Life

This quote came from a calender titled "Life 101."

"The result of honoring the comfort zone too much, too often: a sense of deadness; a feeling of being trapped in a life not of our desiring, doing things not of our choosing, spending time with people not of our liking. The answer to all of this? Do it. Feel the fear, and do it anyway. Physically move to accomplish those things you choose."

I had to read this over and over and over and over and over. Then, again until I was able to think about moving. I used this quote to quit a job that was raping my soul. I would cry everyday I went. I stayed home for three days reading my bible and meditating. On the fourth day, I returned to work and quit on the spot.

I realized I was feeling so bad because it was more than time for me to go. I have been there 8.5 years and I had no respect for the people I worked for. They were racist. When the office manager told me she didn't know anyone who was not racist, I knew I had to get out of there.

When we put up with situations that are not good for us, we lose a piece of ourselves every time we reenter that environment. I walked away from that job and didn't look back. My life only got better because I was not honoring what was comfortable, I did what was right for my soul. Do what you must to be who you are.

Harder and Harder

I have not allowed myself to be in my husband's presence. I really don't want to on a personal level, but as a person who cares deeply about people; it is getting harder and harder for me to stay away.

He had surgery again the past Saturday. He had a bad infection that would have required his entire leg and thigh to be removed had not the surgery gone well. Just the thought of that happening made me sick. He was such a vibrant alive person and now all he does is feel sorry for himself.

I cannot handle that. I am a strong person, especially when it comes to my health. I could not imagine being in his position, but I would want to believe my reaction to being in that position would be different.

My children are doing their best. My son can barely handle it all, but he does because he doesn't want me to get involved. No one wants him back at the house. The peace level since he has been gone is nothing but amazing. The devil sure can keep up a lot of mess.

Still, we all want the best for him, but dealing with him just keeps getting harder and harder.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Not Looking Back

I will always love my husband, but I am content with us being apart. We gave our all and it wasn't enough. There is nothing left for me to do in the relationship. He was not receptive to what I was offering for 26 years, I doubt if he is any more willing today.

I feel extremely blessed to have been able to rear my children in a way that has afforded them compassion, kindness and caring. They are there for their father and I am so very grateful. I do not have to do a thing, but keep my mouth shut. Anyone who really knows me, knows that's a full-time job alone.

I am not looking back. Although we are still married, I am ready to begin dating, or whatever I want to call it. I am done.

My Savior

My oldest daughter is 32 years old today. She is so wonderful and kind to me. I am always amazed how much she has grown into a strong, positive, self-assured female.

We have become friends which is interesting considering I've always fought against it. I firmly believe the lines should not be blurred between parents and their children is at all possible, yet I do consider her a friend, as much as she considers me one.

We have been through a lot together. I had her when I was 17. I had a lot of growing up to do and she witnessed it all, if not facilitated much of it. I had to grow so I would be able to be the best mother possible.

Today she told me I was her friend, and that she has grown to respect me greatly. She compliments often on my parenting skills as she comes in contact with more and more people. I am so blessed.

It could have all been so different. I was married for 26 years to a man she hated, but my desire to be open and honest served me well. My kids are minimally dysfunctional because when dysfunction occurred, instead of ignoring it, I tackled to problem head on, thus busting any secrecy that could have caused sickness in the family unit.

We survived, she and I. Now all I desire is for her to discover life and live it.

I love you girl, you're the one!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Being A Book Publisher

There is a new story out about a woman who has experienced success selling her novel. She wanted it out and self-published. She made a huge decision and sold the book for .99 over the Internet. It worked for her and she was able to sell enough copies to get media attention.

Book publisher is not inexpensive, but it is definitely worth it. My company has not found its bestseller yet. It is simply a matter of time.

She is getting all types of offers, but none are quick as sweet as "all the profits." She is struggling with wanting the recognition a huge company can give her and the reality that she has done what they would do, only with their money and their rules. I like being independent.

Self-publishing is the answer. My company has changed its focus to publishing books that deal with family and marital themes, along with women issues, biography, autobiography and some poetry.

When God Saves You

It is more than evident many people have the wrong idea of what it means to be saved. First of all, you do not get saved once, not if you are truly human. Oh yes, my friend if you are human you will need saving more than once. That is why we are encouraged to develop a strong relationship with the Holy Spirit which, if we allow it, will guide us throughout our lives.

That place inside of us that is truly unafraid because we know we are loved by God and that is enough. When you get saved it does not mean you will never be burdened or have problems. What it does mean is if you utilize the Holy Spirit you will respond differently to the issues that arise in your life. God will get the glory each time you choose (free will) to rise to your higher self and do the right thing.

When God saves you, the Holy Spirit takes up host in your soul to help with the inevitable spiritual warfare that each of us experience. Peace

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Half a Century Old

One month from today I will be half a century old. when I thin about my life and all I've thought I would never see, a black president was definitely first on my list. I absolutely never thought I would see a black man become president. That has been one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life.

Even though I always believed it would happen, when I got my own business it was confirmed to me that my life was my own on so many levels. My marriage of 26 years completely transformed me into the woman I had hoped I would be. My children have been one of my biggest motivations. They inspire me and keep me on my toes. Now that two of them are young adults they come to me with praises for the way I reared them. If I die today, I would be a happy woman because my children have confirmed for me what I had hoped to express to them that they are important and loved.

I have achieved all but two of the major goals I set for myself. I do not have a masters degree, nor Ph.d, but I may soon be back in school. The only reason why I have not gotten back in school because I was planning on getting a MBA to be able to open a business. Obviously, I didn't need to degree to start and operate the business. I was born to be a psychologist, but it is not as appealing to me as being an entrepreneur is.

I have the Key to the City of Louisville, the Distinguished Citizens award, I wrote a column for over eight years, I've given speeches, which I still would like to do more of. I've acted in community theater, and I perform at open mic venues several times throughout the year.

No one could have ever told me I would be in such a good place at this point in my life. I truly am happy with myself just as I am. I have a great relationship with God and I know I'm worthy of being alive. Nothing is more important to me than my peace of mind.

Friday, December 9, 2011

How I Have Stayed Young at Heart

I work with teen aged girls everyday. From the ages 12-18, I get to see what this age group thinks is hip, cool, sweet, dope, the shit, bad, bling, flossin, swaging; I am pretty up to date. I have a 31 year old daughter who is intelligent and socially conscious, who also feels it important to use me as a friend, something I have always discouraged. It just sort of happened and I have had to accept it.

I have a 20 year old son who is working daily, but pretty much stays to himself. He has the same friends he had since junior high and spends time with them. I get to hear what he's listening to, right before I take it out of my CD. We do not talk much, but when we do our conversations are always lengthy and edifying. We spend a lot of our time praising each other. He thinks I am the greatest mother and lately it seems he is getting to know me for the first time. He is maturing and more accepting of me as a woman and not just his mother, but he also is mesmerized by how I know exactly what he wants when it comes to certain things. He has my name tattooed on his forearm. When I saw how huge it was, I was honored and uncomfortable at the same time. On one hand the tattoo validated he understood just how permanently I love him, but it also represent to me, a fanatical quality. I will always be his mother. We share blood. The tattoo seemed overkill to me.

My fifteen year is very assimilated. This drives me crazy that I am raising a beautiful black girl who identifies with white women on the level she does. Her sensibilities are more that of a white girl and boy does she struggle to accept that beautiful nappy hair of hers. Still she is the kindest, most diplomatic person I know. She is intelligent, well read, capable and giving. She is still very infatuated with me to a great degree, yet she is beginning to notice I'm not perfect, but unlike her sister and brother before her, she does not judge me and call me a hypocrite. She actually feels I am doing the best I can. What a blessing. I would be in trouble if she thought she was missing something.

I stay young because I embrace youth and youthfulness. One month and 11 hours from being 50, I feel younger than I ever have. I am presently listening to the group Blackstreet while typing this blog. I enjoy music and dancing just as much or more than I did when I was young. I love to laugh and will until I cry. I am telling ya'll I freely allowed myself to live in the Holy Spirit, praising God constantly and doing my best to do what is right and good. I stopped taking myself so seriously and accepted myself for the beautiful black woman that I am and I have been happy every since. Peace

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

You Can't Give What You Don't Have

You really can't give what you don't have especially when it comes to emotional matters. People who bottle up their feelings and allow themselves to go through life numb are really unable to truly share with another.

Some kind of way I have been able to hold on to the essence of who I am. As awful as my childhood was, as treacherous as my marriage got, I never lost sight of me. This is why I am healthy and whole today. My mother couldn't scold, or cajole the me out of me. My husband couldn't beat, couldn't make me feel bad enough about myself to lose sight of who I was and he couldn't get me to deny who I saw him to be.

I have been able to give because I have always had the greatest love of all, love of self.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Why I Ultimately Left My Husband Behind

"If an individual is able to love productively, he loves himself too; if he can love only others, he cannot love at all." Eric Fromm, The Art of Loving

After seven years of doing my best to win my husband's forgiveness, I recognized he was unable to forgive because he did not know how to love. Although he professes his love for me, his actions proved otherwise. I went throughout the house and took down all the pictures of us. I wanted to make a clear statement that I knew without a doubt, he did not love me.

He was baffled by my actions. He could not believe I didn't believe he loved me. I told him time and time again his actions spoke louder than his words and I finally accept what I see and I will no longer listen to what he says.

He does not love himself. There is no way he loves me. When he became ill and I saw how much he was giving up on himself, it really pushed the reality that he did not love himself, so how could I truly expect to get love from him?

I left my husband behind because until he loves himself, we will never have anything real or of value. Yes, we've been together a long time. In the beginning, for about five years, I was like most women, giving and loving too much. When our son was born, my husband showed great interest in being a caretaker. Instead of feeling like he couldn't do things, I helped him hone his nurturing skills. In many ways, he is a better parent than I am. We both had a lot to learn. I did, he didn't.

Yet, there was still something missing. The biggest piece of the puzzle, self-love. His lack of self-love is what has led to the life he has today. I had to ultimately leave him behind if I am to ever be loved, because until he learns to love himself, he will never be able to love me.

Why I Was Depressed for 30 Years

Depression is hate turned on the self.

There are two types of depression, exogenous and endogenous. Exogenous depression occurs in reaction to outside events and is closely relating to grieving. Endogenous depression is a result of improperly functioning biochemistry and appears to genetically linked with compulsive eating and/or alcohol and drug addiction. In fact,these may all be different expressions of the same or similar biochemical disorders.

I probably can claim to have been under the influence of both types. By the time I was 35, I was fully aware of where my sadness came from. Some of it is inherent to my personality. I can be melancholy. When my depression lifted, it was like a brand new world. I gave up my old way of hiding behind "being real," when I was actually being cynical. I made the choice to see the positive in as many situations as I possibly could.

It took a while to shift this thinking. I want to say at least five years went by before I realized I was not depressed at all for any length of time. Today, I give myself three days to feel bad, then I'm on to finding a way to make lemonade out of whatever lemons I feel I have been handed.

Depression is awful because it usually hurts the person who is depressed more than anyone else. So many depressed think they are being smart because they see things how they really are, but what makes them depressed is they are unwilling to accept the truth.

Me being a truth seeker helped lift my depression because I want nothing more than to be honest with myself and others. Depression requires that you hold on fast to thoughts and beliefs that keep you spinning and spiraling downward. Depression keeps folk from feeling and living. Depression requires you stay away from most people because folk don't want to see your sad face, or hear your sad story.

I gave up depression for happiness, peace and serenity. Things don't have to go my way. I don't have to be right. I just want peace of mind. Seeing the God in others, making the best out of every situation whether deemed good or bad, right or wrong, that lifts depression. Holding to the knowledge that I was worthy not matter what I did or didn't do also helped me combat depression.

The feeling of unworthiness is the worse. It is hard to breathe when you feel unworthy, let along go about your normal day. I gave depression the boot and now I've got happy feet.

What is My Greatest Challenge?

A while back I found it impossible to really share how I felt because I thought I would be ridiculed by others as I was in my home growing up with a mother who did not respect emotions and feelings. The exposure of ones feelings was laughed at, ridiculed, and completely unaccepted. I was made to feel foolish for feeling.

I had to learn that being vulnerable was not the same as being weak. Now that I am a grown ass woman, I know that my vulnerability is an assest, especially in intimate relationships. During my marriage I laid it all out, I gave my all. I didn't hide anything and did my best not to lie about anything. I wanted to experience intimacy on any level possible.

Throughout my 26 year relationship with my husband I was given many opportunties to be vulnerable. In the beginning, I refused because I was still so sick from being reared in a dysfunctional household. As I matured, and sought realness in my marriage, I saw clearly I had to give what I wanted to have a chance of receiving what I desired.

I can honestly say I have met the challenge of being vulnerable. I am wide open with those close to me. I want to feel life and love. I want to express myself freely and allow others to do the same. Challenge yourself to be open to another today.

What Is My Destiny?

I read somewhere that is was my destiny is to bring others closer to the truth. It says, "Their destiny is to make an impact on others and the world they live in with their spirited determination and no-fuss approach to problem solving."

I agree 100%. When I engage people, I desire to leave something of value with them. People seek me out on a daily basis asking me what I think about this, that and the other. I used to be afraid of the gift of knowledge and discernment God has bestowed upon me, but as I have gotten older, I see why it is as it is. I can handle it. I can detach myself from other people problems, while helping them find solutions at the same time.

I have grown in many ways and one of the most powerful and beneficial is that I no longer take anything personally, unless I get a sense that is really is. I don't allow myself personalize comments, inquiries, etc. that people make. When I was younger, I took everything personally barely able to make it through the day. Always thinking folk were out to hurt me because that is what I experienced at home and at school.

As I became more self-aware and self-assured, I left all that behind. Now, my life is filled with happy times, moments and instances and I can partake in them because I know who I am and am no longer defining myself by the standards others have lain before me.

It is my destiny to be open and honest and to assist others, if I may to better the quality of their lives.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

It's the Most Favorite Time of the Year

This time the year is when folk can't wait to lie to themselves. New Year's resolutions give people the impression they are getting a chance to start over, when in fact they are lying to themselves. They wait until the end of the year to think about doing what they should have done at the beginning of the year.

All we get is one day at a time. The most favorite time of the year should be each day we arise. Each day we get the opportunity to be the people we claim we want to be. Instead, we put off and put off what we claim we want to do most. Oftentimes we use having to do for others as the reason why we can't do for ourselves.

Black women or notorious for wearing themselves completely out. Many times they end up hospitalized before anyone else knows anything was ever wrong with them. Their families rally around saying how she has to take better care of herself. They saw the signs of exhaustion, but as long as she was willing to do what they did not or could not do, they ignored them.

Remember, everyday should be your most favorite time of the year.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

The Closer I Get to Me

These past few months have been life changing. Being in human being mode has been exactly what I have needed. I have been doing for others so long that I could feel my human being screaming out to be loved. I needed to love myself. I needed to be there for myself. I need to stand up for my inner child, love her and shut her up. For years she ruined my life with her impulsive behaviors with food.

Now that I have gotten closer to me, I do not have to use food as a buffer between me and the world. I am completely unafraid to stand up for myself and the woman I want to be. For so long, I ran from my personal power. Like so many victims, I kept wanting to blame someone else, so someone else could fix me.

Oh what a blessing the day I accepted that I was perfect the way I am and that only through self-acceptance would I ever be able to live the full life God has intended. Part of me wants to rush out into the world like a bright-eyed teenager. I really feel like there is nothing I can't do if I put my mind to it. I feel like life is beckoning for me to search out the love I feel I need so that I can give the love I desire to share.

The closer I get to me, the more I see how wonderful of a human being I can be.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

It's Complicated

I am a very complex person. I think a lot. God has tempered me greatly. Now, I can recognize when I'm being too complicated and make adjustments. I like using my mind, thinking and analyzing.

I have been enjoying being alone these past five months. Not having my husband around has given me the time I need to really think about what I want and how to get it. More and more I find myself glad that I made the right choice for me. I didn't even consider how the decision to leave him would effect my children. They are old enough to have their own relationship with him, whether he is in the home or not. And that is exactly what they are doing.

God is getting all the glory. I could not have left him on my own. I felt such an obligation to be "the one" to take care of him. Little did I realize how much he really wants to be away from me. I held him to too high a standard. He was not ready to deal with what I was really offering. He held on because the getting was good. I made life really easy for him.

As complicated as it is, it is really this simple. Self-love is the greatest love of him. I left my husband for me and we are having a great time.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Keeping It Real

Folk say they want people to be honest with them, but let me tell you this, they don't. As soon as you are, they immediately have a problem with it. They try to make you feel wrong because you are right. The truth really does hurt and for those of us who keep it real; we find that we hurt people just by simply being truthful.

Keeping it real is a must, but it may also keep you from having real people in your life.
Be authentic. There is only one you. Be glad. I know I am. Peace

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Why Things Are So Much More Clearer

I know aging plays a great deal in how clear my thinking has become. time and unforeseen circumstances has taught me well. Knowing that I will most likely never be a wife to my husband again was hard getting used to. Now that I have accepted the truth about who we are to each other and why we are where we are now, I am thrilled about the beauty of it all.

Yes, it is a beautiful thing when any person accepts the truth about their lives. Completely devastated when it first happened, our separation has know become a blessing. I fought so hard to try to help my husband understand the importance of having a spiritual life. It was not my job. Just like I did, it is up to him to develop his own personal relationship with God.

He chose not to lean on God during this time he is in the valley. He spent so many years "doing his thang." He ate what he wanted, smoked what he wanted, drank what he wanted and as much as he wanted. Now, that he has to pay the piper, I have become the enemy. He focused all of his anger and hatred towards me. Somehow, the very person who thought she was saving his soul, was helping to steer his soul towards self-sabotage. He wouldn't have it any other way.

Things are so much more clearer simply because I have let go and let God.

I Really Mean It

I really do mean it when I say I am glad my husband lived to see another birthday. I did not get to talk to him and I did not buy him anything. I did think of asking the kids did they want to get him something, but I decided not to. I am really out of it. I am done with helping him out and making sure he is taken care of.

I have the same feelings for him as I always have. I want the best for him, but I do not have to be the one who is there to facilitate that the best happens. He was unable to accept what I had to offer him. No matter the circumstances, I gave my best and I know, believe and accept this. There are no regrets.

I really mean it when I say I truly hope my husband is able to find happiness and understanding in his life. He gave me what I needed to evaluate the quality of my life. His actions helped motivate me towards the greatness I always knew was there. His inability to love me opened my eyes to the reality that every heart does not beat for love. Not everyone is able to allow themselves to be used by our Creator to edify others.

I really mean it when I say I will not stay with anyone husband, child, friend, parent, who does not edify me. I was born to win, losers need not apply.

Monday, November 28, 2011

So Glad I Don't Have to Know Everything

I have no idea where my life is headed, but I am okay with it. God has shown me consistently I am covered by grace. I have completed most of the goals I have set for myself. I feel there is so much more I need to do while on this earth.

I do plan to become an insurance agent, but I feel there is something more. I am so glad I don't have to know everything to move forward. I believe I will be guided correctly if I respond correctly. Even when we make choices we feel are best for us, there is still work to do.

So many of us feel like we have to know everything about what is expected of us before we will commit to doing what is required. Part of living is discovering. Life is an adventure. I moving forward without all the answers and I am grateful to be to do it.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Lazy Days

I can remember when I was a human doing. I could barely sit down. My husband would constantly try to get me to relax. I was on a mission to nowhere, fast.

Lazy days came into my life when I became a human being. Peace

Friday, November 25, 2011

Gluttony All Gone

I feel pretty secure when I say I am no longer in danger of overeating. I have not gained weight in over seven years and it truly has been the Spirit of God that has changed my ways. Learning to love myself was the key.

As long as I harbored any ill will towards myself, I was unable to successfully combat gluttony. Once I surrendered to God's will and accepted my worthiness, my life changed. Today, I am more than a conqueror. I have learned to deny my flesh and have been rewarded by not overindulging in food.

Gluttony all gone!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

How To Take Control of Your Life

"We are not able to use our emotions to guide us in making the necessary and important choices in our life." Robin Norwood Women Who Love Too Much.

Recognizing that most of my problems stemmed from my inability to regulate and control my emotions has been the best thing I've done for myself as a wife, mother, friend, employee, but most of all a woman.

Most women are not in tune with what they are really in tune with. This is why so many of us seem hysterical and out of control. We go with feelings, that had we took a second to filter, we would not go there. Yet, time and time again we fail to recognize the power our feelings and emotions have over our ability to make proper choices.

One of the biggest problems is people tend to believe that what they feel and believe is real. They don't pay attention to how often they change their minds, or how their feelings change rapidly. So many folk believe it is okay to live the disjointed lives that develop from a lack of self-control.

To take control of you life, you must monitor your feelings and emotions, learn to pick your battles, and provide yourself with the proper self-care when needed. Our lives are out of control because we are out of control. Not because someone else is doing or not doing something. It is your life, therefore, your responsibility to monitor and maintain it.

You become in control when you accept full responsibility for how you feel at any given moment. You are in control when you stop blaming others for your shortcomings and disappointments. Take control of your life, by taking control of you.

Living in God's Will

It has become old hat, living within God's will and because of it, each day I am more and more blessed. I have completely let go of my husband and he is doing just fine without me. He needed help, but not necessarily from me. He was unable to appreciate what I did for him, maybe he will be more grateful for his home nurse.

It is still sort of hard for me to believe that he could not accept the love and caring I was willing to continue to provide for him. Yet, I fully understand why. He is a lost soul crashing his way through life without a clue. His selfishness and inability to empathize with others allows him to be dismissive and cruel. He is alone and should be happy. He did all he could to push his family away.

Living in God's will has freed me completely from all the pain and strife I experienced while trying to do the right thing with the wrong man. I accept my role in the loss of my marriage. I gave too much, too long and for the wrong reasons. I was trying desperately to get something from a man who tried and succeeded in not giving it.

When we first met, he told me, "If a bitch thinks I'll fall in love with her she's crazy. I don't love no woman but my momma."

I clearly remember the surge of anger that when through me when he made that proclamation. I responded. "Well, you are in the wrong house, because I am love."

What I should have said is , "You need to leave now because I'll spend 26 years trying to make you love me."

That is what happened. I spent a helluva lot of time not receiving what I needed. Now, I know God wants me to have something real and I have woken up just in time. I have at least another 30 years to be loved by someone who is capable of doing it. I will wait because I am living within God's will.

Why You Are Worth It

One of the greatest things to ever happen to me was to learn how important I am, just because I am. For many years I felt unworthy of love, attention and affection because I was shunned in my own home as a child.

As I grew into womanhood, I became promiscuous because I was seeking intimacy. By the time I was in my early twenties, I was fed up with the empty sex syndrome. I began to seek something deeper, something real and lasting. I had so many hangups, looking back it is a wonder I survived. I survived because deep down I harbored a self-love and respect that would later launch me into womanhood with a fervor I could only imagine.

Once I accepted my worthiness, I was well on my way to being able to live the life I truly desired. You are worth the effort it takes to learn what your needs are and what is in your best interest. No matter your circumstances you can become the person who is strong, capable and aware of what they need to live a quality life. You are worth it because you are you. There is nothing you have to do to become worthy. The fact you are alive is testament to your worthiness of any and all things life has to offer.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Why I Survived Hell

In many ways, my marriage was hell. I did what so many women do and married my mother, father and child molester. My husband was a great candidate to continue to not give me what I needed most, to be loved.

My parents had some serious issues. They both were keeper's of secrets and deniers of their reality. Even though their intent was to create a home life. They created hell instead. Because they married due to my mother being pregnant with me, I was born into a situation that called for me to be treated badly because I reminded them both of the bad decision they made to have unprotected sex.

I survived the hell of my childhood upbringing, and later a 26 year crazy marriage because I never lost my personal integrity. "Women who love too much have little regard for their personal integrity in a love relationship," according to Robin Norwood, author of the 1986 groundbreaking book, "Women Who Love Too Much."

This book deals with the very true reality that many women who come from dysfunctional homes tend to seek out the same abuse within their love relationships. Even though I entered into my marital relationship seeking the love I did not receive as a child, as I matured, I was able to heal myself because unlike many other women, I held tight to my personal integrity.

My husband would tell me often he was proud of how I never give up on my convictions, beliefs, morals and values. After being together for 20 years, he congratulated me for the fact that I never backed down. I did not (not even under the tremendous pressure he put me under), change or alter what I believed in to try to keep or please him. As a matter of fact, if he got too out of hand, I'd put him out, rather than give an inch when it came to my person integrity.

I survived hell because I stood up to the devil, instead of giving in to the many ways he tried to lure me. My marriage taught me I am strong and capable of great love, especially self-love. I survived hell, because I kept Heaven on my mind.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

When You Grow Up

I have grown so much until it frightens me sometimes. The fear is based on the fact that I could have ever not believed in myself. I fear it could happen again. How could I have spent so many years caring about what other people think? How could I give so thought to killing myself, overeating, being the victim?

I could do those things because I was immature. I was a child. After living for half a century, so many things have come full circle. I remember crying when my hair fell out when I was 12. I took to wearing wigs. My family started calling me bald headed. Now, I shave my head almost completely and love it. Back then I cried almost everyday.

When I was in college, a magazine came out called BBW (Big, Beautiful Woman). On the cover of the first issue was a girl laying down with a sweater on and leggins. I remember thinking how fat I was and how I would never wear leggings. Back then, I was solid muscle, didn't have no fat hanging nowhere. Now, I have fat hanging and will put on a pair of leggins in a minute.

When you grow up, you are freed from so many of the ridiculous thoughts and fears you once harbored closely. When you grow up, you recognize fear is just another way to keep yourself from living your life. When you grow up, you open your mind to possibilities, you allow yourself to make mistakes.

It is fun to be an adult. I love being a grown up. I am good at it.

My Relationship With God

Back in 2003, God asked me to allow myself to remain in a humiliating marriage. It was right after my husband had done one of the most horrible things that involved my son. I was heartbroken. It wasn't long after that I became aware he was having an affair.

When I discovered the affair, my husband said, "So, I guess you are going to divorce me?" i immediately thought to myself, 'Yes,' but my mouth said no. My God voice told me to say no. God put it on my heart to stay in the marriage and make an effort to reconcile with my husband. I couldn't believe it. I was literally upset, but I could not say no because I believed with all my heart and soul it was God who was guiding my towards rejuvenating my marriage.

I have been blessed to have been aware of God as young as ten years old. I distinctly remember feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit. I recall feeling light in spirit and truly wishing others well. I have always been the "big picture" type person. I have been blessed to know that there is something greater than me.

My relationship with God has been what has kept in line most of my life. I ignored the Holy Spirit when it came to food. Even though I knew better, I'd eat too much. I was steeped in the sin of gluttony.

The significant thing that has most come out of my listening to God that day I wanted to leave my husband was I began to crave food less. More and more as I was obedient, my desire for certain foods went away. I began working with a personal trainer and the weight began to fall off. Seven years later, I have not gained any weight. As a matter of fact, my entire perception of food have changed. My eating habits have changed tremendously and my body is responding greatly.

I know, had not I had the a relationship with God, and was not obedient, I would not have received this great blessing.

Friday, November 18, 2011


Even though I am powerfully happy about the separation, I still miss loving my husband. As I watch my kids walk through the house talking to him, I so desperately want to say hello, but I do not because it is done for us. No extension of kindness will make him be the man he should be.

I have learned that all you can do is your part. As the song states, "I can't make you love me if you don't. I can't make your heart feel something it won't."

Still, I love him purely and wish him. But I am moving on and it feels great!

Turning 50

I rarely make a big deal about a birthday, but I be damn if I am not proud of who I am at almost 50 years old. I am astonished that I made it this long. As a kid, I just knew the world would get me. I just knew my emotional state was not stable enough to carry me into middle age. I was way wrong.

I am strong, capable, accomplished, loved, learned how to love, able to make money, able to think clearly, not afraid to live my life. I feel electric.

Even though my body is doing what it is supposed to, decay, I still feel vibrant and am ready to start an entire new career. Life is good and my attitude about life just makes it better.

Turning 50 is the bomb!

Short Story

Short Story

There was a story about four people
named Everybody, Somebody,
Anybody and Nobody

There was an important job to be done
and Everybody was sure that
Somebody would do it. Anybody could
have done it, but Nobody did it.

Now, when Somebody got angry about
that because it was Everybody's job,
Everybody thought Anybody could do
it, but Nobody realized that
Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed
Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

We have got to wake up people. You can't just sit around and allow children to be hurt. People are witnessing incest, rape, negligence and straight up violence against children each and everyday and not say a word.

This Penn State thing is about all of us. Would you tell if you saw a child being molested? Think about it.

The More You Know

The more I know about myself, the better I am to make the choices that are in my best interest. It really does take time to figure out what you really want, especially in relationships. Many of us have been infiltrated with so many crazy ideas and assumptions about marriage and relationships until we are barely able to be lived with by the time we find one.

We come into the relationship with insurmountable expectations. Often expecting to get rather than give. Part of the problem our relationships don't work is that we really think the other person is supposed to meet all our needs. I tell you the more you know about your own needs and the more you are willing to meet your own needs, the better.

God did not intend for anyone to be able to read our minds. He expected us to use our minds, and hearts plus the knowledge we possess of ourselves to meet many of our own needs. No one has to give you anything. If you are lucky enough to find someone willing to be everything you want, you'll soon feel unlucky, when you change your mind, but they can't change how they see you.

When you get into a relationship, do all you can to ask questions that will reveal to you the other person. Allow that person to get to know you. The more you know about you, the more you can share with someone who is willing to share their lives with you. It truly is give and take. You will be happier the more you know.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Breaking the Cycle

My oldest daughter is getting a rare opportunity to be around three generations of females in our family. Once totally against taking care of me when I get old, my daughter called me after spending one week with my mother and said, "Mom, I am going to take care of you when you get older. You deserve it. After spending time with your mother I see what you survived. I am proud of you.

I felt so good to hear her say that because I knew she knew I had to work hard not to be like my mother and grandmother. My daughter is getting first hand knowledge of the neurosis I lived with until I left home at 18.

I am proud of the fact I was able to break the cycle of ignorance and abuse that is so prevalent in my family. She says she and her grandmother have been getting into mini-arguments everyday. My mother loves that. She loves to argue, but she has found she is no match for my daughter. My daughter said she has had my mom laughing until she cried. She's making a difference, because she is different.

I raised her right and she is a glowing example of how a kid can turn out when the generation cycle is broken within a family. She'll be a better mother for it and so will her children be better parents. Breaking the cycle is necessary for a good life.

Monday, November 14, 2011

To Be No One But Myself

I have held fast to the belief that I get a chance to be me just as everyone else. My mother would tell me, "Wanda, I put my feelings in my nightstand drawer every morning I wake up."

She didn't have to brag. It was obvious by her coldness and aloof attitude that she was not in touch with her feelings. Even as a young girl, I knew she sounded crazy to want to disconnect from her feelings. Not unlike so many other women, she was not in control of her emotions, so she tried to hide them.

I refuse to hide the richest part of who I am. My feelings and emotions, although easily changeable, are a great part of who I am and deserve my attention and care just as any other part of me.

To be no one but myself, has always been my desire. I can tell you truly, at almost 50, I got it now. I am me and I don't give a damn who doesn't like it. Peace

Why I am Feeling Great

I am have been under 250 pounds for a few months now. My loose clothes are telling the story of self-control and moderation. I am amazed at how I have been able to literally not put food in my mouth when I am not hungry.

I no longer run to chips and chicken to soothe what ails me. I no longer feel I have to eat to celebrate my accomplishments. I have been saved.

I am feeling great because I have conquered my flesh. I am no longer a glutton and I know God is pleased. I am doing all I can to live a moderate life. Moderation in all things is my new slogan and it feels great.

My emotions are in check. My health is on point and I feel great.

My Future

I do know I plan to start a new career selling supplemental insurance. I also plan to go back to school and become a Marriage and Family Therapist.

That takes care of my working life, but I am concerned about my love life. 50 years old is not a good age to be looking for love, but what else can I do?

God has put it on my heart that is time for me to let go of the past and move forward. I know he knows I cannot do it without love.

I don't care what you say I won't stay in a world without love.

My Girls

My girls have been the most difficult to raise. I can clearly say that since my son, now 20, is out of the raising queue.

My youngest is morbidly obese and finding high school a challenge. The walking is wearing her out and she is consistently trying to find reasons not to go to school. I know it is hard for her, but there is no other option. Should she not go to school, she wouldn't be going anywhere.

I stay on top of her and now that it is basically just me and her in the house, things have to get done and she is going to have to do them. Not going to school is not an option. She will be 16 years old next year and can drop out if she wants. God's knows that would kill me, but it is a real possibility.

I am afraid for her because she is completely addicted to food and is not as concerned about her weight as she should be.

My oldest dropped out at 16. She never like to go to school and as soon as she could stopped going. My youngest likes school, she just doesn't like moving. God help me!

Can You Love Anyone?

I do believe you can love anyone if you are willing. Yes, there are people who are more suited for you than others, but that does not mean you cannot love someone because the stars are not aligned.

Love is open to interpretation. We all perceive love differently for different reasons. I have never truly been loved. My husband had all kinds of conditions when it came to loving me. I had to be in a certain mood. He had to feel a certain way. He really believed he could love me one day and hate me the next. He had no idea about what love really is.

He and I were not compatible in many ways, but we bonded deeply on many levels. We learned to allow each other to be themselves. I was able to do this more than he becausehe had not forgiven me for the wrong I did to him. He is still carrying it to this day and it is sad. His holding on to the past is what allows him to keep himself from accepting that others have changed.

I do believe you can love anyone. You have to really want to and to be ready to receive when the love comes back.

No Way

I always knew when I made up my mind it was over between my husband and I that it would really be over and there would be no looking back. This is why I stayed until I couldn't stand anymore.

God guided me through the entire 26 years. We were never what others would consider compatible, it truly was a spiritual thing. God had something power He wanted to do in my life and I do believe no other person could have brought me to this place, as my estranged husband did.

He challenged everything I thought I knew about myself. He helped me grow into the woman I am today, but most importantly, he helped me learn how to love unconditionally, because that is the only way anyone could ever love him. He has to be the most difficult person to love I have ever met.

There is no way I would ever go back to him. As long as he is alive, I will respect him as the father of my children, but I will never be a wife or lover to him again. He does not get to feel my warmth and loving ways, ever again. He gave it all up for a fit of anger and irrational behavior. 26 years gone, because still, at 50 years old he has no self-control.

That is not my problem. I need to be with someone who is receptive to love and not afraid of it.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Why It Keeps Getting Easier

My soul was in unrest for days last week. I cried and cried and cried. I analyzed my situation and determined I was finally mourning the loss of the marital relationship. Simply put, I missed the man I am married to.

Even though that was the case, I still feel I am right not to subject myself to his triads and disrespect. He is in denial still about his situation. When they found that blood is leaking from his brain, he began to try to rationalize why he is sick. Even though he knows he has never taken his health seriously. He truly thought he was invincible. Now he knows.

It keeps getting easier because I truly am handing all my worries and troubles over to God. I no longer have the desire to try to think about what is best for anyone except myself. I am praying my husband will come out of his surgery today better and ready to accept more responsibility for his actions and life.

Life gets easier when you let go and let God. Peace

Thursday, November 3, 2011

What's Forever For?

Forever is for hope and that is about it. Nothing last forever, especially not people. My relationship with my husband will be forever. His health is not going to let him last much longer, so unless there is a true miracle, he will be married to me forever, but he won't be around to enjoy it.

We need to focus on now and leave forever to itself. I am so glad I participated in my marriage. I am grateful to God that I gave my all and was completely committed. Now that things seem to be coming to an end, I can only be grateful for the time I had with him and know that God has been in control all the time. Things are how they should be.

Forever is the same as never. Neither one of them can ever be true. We don't live to see forever. All we can do is hope for a long time. I got to have the man I wanted for a very long time, a quarter of my life spent on this earth. That means a lot to me. I will always love him and wish him these best whether here are on the other side. Forever is another word for hope.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Why I Have No Regrets

My husband has had what they are calling a "seizure." He is currently out of town in a hospital. The best thing about it is he has family where he is and hopefully feels supported.

I am not going to his side. I have no regrets about his decision. I gave all I had to give and I refuse to allow myself to be abused by him in any way, at any time, for any reason. His sister said he was being, "defiant," so I know what that means, he is being mean and irrational. I have been there done that.

I no longer want to stand up to the devil. I've done it too long. The battle was never mine and now that I have completely released my husband to God's will, I feel no need to watch him die. That's just not my thing. I had to put a stop to the madness or he was going to destroy me. He could not forgive me as I had forgiven him. You can't live with a person who is unforgiving. Nothing you do is never enough.

I do not regret not going to his side. I called the chaplain and asked them to tell him I loved him and I wish him well and that I would send the kids if he wanted me to, but I am not coming. I will not allow this man to ever hurt me in any way again, ever. Plain and simple.

The Ever Changing Role of Life

Life is fluid. Whether our minds change or not, we do. Until we accept we are not meant to stay stagnated, that we are born to grow and win at life; we will never find the serenity and peace that is awaiting our acceptance.

I accept the ever changing role of life.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


I am finding that I don't want to live with another man. Yes, I desire to be apart of someones life, but not as his wife, or even his steady girl. I want complete freedom and movement. I don't have anything I want to do in particular and that is the beauty of it. I am looking forward to a life with no demands from those who claim to love me.

People/men drain you. Woman have given so much, for so many different reasons, until many men just expect to taken care of. I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to be.

I really don't see myself getting too involved with anyone else. My marriage and relationship with my husband was pretty intense. I gave a lot. I don't mind the fact, I just don't want to give anymore. I just want to be.

Men! You can't live with them and you can't shoot em' when you're done with them.

A Pillow Full of Tears

I can't believe how much I have cried over the loss of my relationship with my husband over the past four days. Every show I watched, somehow confirmed I am doing the right thing in various ways. The Creator is working on me. It is time for me to walk away and move forward into what has been promised.

I used to tell my husband all the time, "I am gonna get mine."

He always thought I meant something else, but what I meant by "mine" is the promises God has made. I am going to get mine. I have given up my life of sin, he held on to his.

My pillow will be full of tears or maybe it won't be. I feel confident they will soon dry up and along with them the lingering desire to be with a man who clearly will never respect me, because he has no respect for himself.

A Year of Goodbyes

This year has took with it some very important people in my life. My husband and I parted and very well may never speak to each other again. My oldest daughter moved away and probably won't be back, except to visit. Then yesterday, our dog had to be put to sleep.

2011 has taught me to truly let go. My separation from my husband came as a shock. We were fine until the incident occurred. After it happened, it just didn't seem right to stay with him. Especially since he refuses to even try to be a better person. 26 years of sharing and giving is enough. It is time for me to find someone who appreciates me before I die.

I am also saying goodbye to gluttony. I have stopped overeating. I am so amazed at myself until I sit in disbelief sometimes. I can't even try to overeat anymore. My stomach has shrank so much. I prayed and worked hard to be able to leave my sinful ways behind. Thank God for the help and for me being willing to accept it.

I miss my husband terribly, but I know our being separate is for the best. Just because I want him doesn't mean I should have him. I got that now.

My daughter, it has been a long time coming her moving on to live her life. I wish her well and I hope she doesn't come back.

The dog? I have mixed emotions. She was old and could be a pain at times. I'm not really an animal person, but I will miss her presence.

Goodbye, good luck and God bless.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Thankful for My Strength

I must admit the thing I am amazed at most is the fact I have truly let go of my relationship with my husband. He was messing up our marriage and there was no need for that, especially since it was obvious he didn't really want to participate in the first place.

We have suffered so long throughout the years in our marriage. Now, at the end, what would be the point? I get it that he doesn't get it, or even want it. He wants to be single and he is. The legality of our marriage never stopped him from acting unmarried. It does not matter at this point what he does or does not do because I am gone. I am out of his life.

If he wants to be miserable, he'll have to do it by myself. I've been there and done that way too much long. I want to feel joyous more than anxious. I want to live and love freely, not feel like someone is expecting me to be more than I want to be.

I am strong and capable of making choices that are in my best interest. My husband and I had our time and now it is time to do something else. I am strong enough to face whatever and I will until the day I die.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The True Challenge

This last child of mine is challenging me every day when it comes to going to school. She is super morbidly obese, and yes, that makes things harder for her, but not as hard as they'll be if she was to become bedridden.

I continue to pray for strength, knowing that I have had this challenge before and was able to come through it. She wants to have her way and do what she wants whether it is in her best interest or not. Teenagers!

The true challenge is to not lose my mind, while trying to help her to learn to use hers.

Monday, October 24, 2011

The Good Friend

I have very few friends. The ones I do have are very good though. I think it is because I have demonstrated I am a good friend. I am honest with my friends. I am open to their limitations. I do not criticize. I don't give advice. I make suggestions. I don't try to change, but instead use acceptance as a tool to allow them to grow more into who they really want to be.

The good friend doesn't feel slighted if you can't spend time. They don't have to talk to you to know that all is well. They can accept you need your space and allow you to have it.

My friend list may be small, but it is full of love.

Something New- 3

Well, I am surprising myself. I am really considering dating outside my race when the time comes. I really need to switch some things and I think the type of man I choose is a great start. Although I will always love and adore black men, they don't love me back. They expect too little and expect to give even less. A lot of this is culture based and the type of woman I am does not fit the stereotype many black men are looking to find.

Many men believe because I am overweight my standards are lower. Several have seemed shocked to find I have a healthy dose of self-respect and self-awareness. So many are used to dealing with women who are starving for attention and love. Although I had those issues, they were more than taken care of during my marriage. I have learned to give myself love and attention, therefore I am not starving for someone to do it.

I don't know what I'm doing. I just know I have to do something. I must find a way to be the woman I know I can be to a man and have him semi-appreciate it. I know white men see me as powerful and capable and are less likely to feel intimidated by me because they feel that way too. So many black men choose the dejected route to deal with life and it's struggles. Yes, things are harder for them, still today, but so many avenues have opened up also.

I need the man who can accept my independence and appreciate it, not feel threatened by it. I am ready for something new.

Chronically Ill-16

My husband is now in ICU in Evanston, IL. His 93 old aunt on his father's side died last week and the funeral was this past Saturday. On Sunday, my daughter told me he called to say he was in the hospital.

Later that day, his sister called to tell me he was being moved to ICU, he was bleeding from his rectum, they were planning to removed from his stomach with a tube, his toe may be removed, and his blood pressure is extremely high.

I listened as she talked about how "defiant" he was being and was so glad I am no longer dealing with his shitty attitude. As much as I love and care for him, I refuse to allow him to abuse me in any form or shape, for as long as I live. I have dealt with all I'm dealing with at this point in my life. I am looking for relief, support, and respect. I am not interested in anything else. It is my time and I am taking full advantage of it. He wants to be upset and bitter. I worked all that out. I just done, plain and simple.

Now, his family will get a chance to see how nasty he really is. I will not call, or get involved in any way. I am done with him and his evil ways. Somebody else can take his abuse. I am free. I sincerely hope all goes well for him, but I will not allow myself to be drawn back into his madness. I am so happy being free.

You Just Had to Have It

So often, may it be people or things, we feel like we have to have it/them. Then, when we get what we think we want, we have the nerve to be upset when it is not what we wanted it to be. This happens a lot in relationships. We don't pay attention to the signs, then when we are totally involved, we're looking to get what we thought we would, only to find what we thought is not matching up with what is.

Our level of expectation should be more realistic from the beginning. We need to ask more questions up front. Pay attention to what is being said during conversations and accept what we hear to be true, whether we want to believe it or not. Just because you want something doesn't mean you have to have it. If you do get what you claimed you wanted then you should be willing to deal with what you asked for, whether it comes exactly like you wanted it or not.

If you just had to have it, then you should be willing to accept what comes along with it/them.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

How To Remove Fear

You remove fear with faith. Faith allows you to keep hope alive. Hope keeps you alive. The more alive you feel, the less fear can creep in.

My husband is afraid to really live. He exist and can't understand he is in control of whether he lives a rich life or not.

He is so bitter towards me and it is such a shame. It is only that way because I put a stop to his reign of terror. I won't let him get away with what he's being getting by with. He is scared and childish, a paralyzing combination.

You remove fear by learning to lean on God and not your own understanding. Plain and simple.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Never Say Never

Even though I am willing to see what interracial dating is all about, I still do not believe in it. I am to the point where it doesn't matter anymore. I just want someone who is going to love me and if that happens to be a white man, so be it. I need to be in a loving relationship. That is who I am and how I want to be.

I refuse to settle for less. I a moving forward and I will be loved.

So Free

I feel so free. There is something wonderful and wonder-filled happening to me. I am so glad I hung in there as long as I did with my marriage. I am so grateful I did my time within the marriage. I cleaned my act up and became the type of partner I want to be in a relationship.

It is too bad my husband could not take the good. He only wanted the bad. There are so many people like that. As long as shit is shitty, they are cope. Let some good happen and they are ready to cause a problem.

I have had enough of the the bad times. It is time for the good times and I am going to do all I can to remain, so free.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday

I have lost two very important people within three months. They have left for very different reasons, but they are gone all the same. I am continuously reminded I can only change myself and that I must allow others to live their lives.

Still, I can't help but think about "What if?" I immediately go back to "What is!" That is the only way I can accept what is going on. One relationship is 31 years old and the other 26. Long-term relationships changing can cause one to have a lot of thoughts and I am no different. I know it is for the better that things are the way the are. On a daily basis I feel greater than I have in my life. So, I know God is happy with what is going on, but still, they were important and very close people to me, and now they are gone and most likely for good.

I will talk to them again, but I probably won't spend any true significant time with them as they are both heading for new lives that will not include me. It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

Why Life is Hard

Rapidly approaching the age of 50, I have spent time looking back over my life. I have recognized that during the times I felt most hopeless, it was because I didn't believe in myself. I believed someone else had control over my life and that I was victim, not only of circumstance, but in reality. I felt life was hard and I was defeated.

I have been blessed to be a seeker of knowledge and truth and because of that I do not stay locked in ignorance long. I believe I am capable, so I am. Life has gotten easier. Life will always be hard if you don't love yourself, recognize you are primarily responsible for the creation of your life and that God loves you no matter where you are.

I am so grateful I know God loves me. This fact alone makes life a lot easier to bear. So many of us are downtrodden and unhappy. We know how much we've let ourselves down. This is why we are so upset all the time. We know we're living mediocre lives. We know we are cheating ourselves, thus only faking when we say we give our all to others. Because it is so true that nothing from nothing leaves nothing.

Life is hard because we are not truly giving. Yeah, there are a lot of folk out there helping others, but what are their motives? Time and time again you hear about folk leading double lives. Seeming to be one thing and they are really another. It's amazing.

Life will always be hard until we learn to truly give from the heart. We must strive to more greatly express the Christian values many of us proclaim to uphold. Does your life truly reflect these values, in any way? Ask yourself these questions, be honest with the answers and maybe you'll find out why life is hard.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Why Being Honest With Yourself Is In Your Best Interest

I stayed in my marriage because I didn't want to have any regrets if I should ever have to leave. Now that we are separated, I feel as though the honesty I gave to myself helped me not become bitter. As he revealed who he really was, I did not hide from the fact I loved him anyway. I learned to appreciate his humanity by accepting if God woke him every morning, He had a plan for his life just as He did mine.

The more I used honesty as the method to soothe some of the hurt and disappointment I experienced in my marriage; the better I became at dealing with conflict and inconsistency. I began to look at how confused and unaware I have been throughout my life. I came to understand God uses us in so many ways to reach others.

I can honestly say I am proud of my husband and I. We both came from very dysfunctional homes, yet we put forth great effort to learn to love each other and form a family. It is simply a matter of arrested development and character disorder that keeps my husband from being a better human being. Ironically, he thinks he's getting over. He always does because that is his intention. He does not identify with the God within.

I am honest with myself when I say I had to learn the hard way to allow God to guide my life. Accepting I was a glutton, changed my life. I haven't gained weight in seven years. My weight is something I struggled with for over thirty years. It was a miracle to me I was able to let go of food and grab hold of God. It didn't fully happen until I was completely honest with myself.

Friday, October 14, 2011

The Fastest Week of My Life

My 31 year old daughter is leaving to further her life's journey in Texas. Ironically, I feel so good about the move. I absolutely adore her, but it is time for her to let her pretty wings spread and fly. She is a wonderful young woman. There is no doubt in my mind that she will have a spectacular life. I know she is going to do her best to be the best person she can be.

My daughter is wonderfully giving and caring. This is what I will miss the most. She is my biggest fan. She gives me so much by doing so little. I have been so blessed to have been chosen to bring this great person to the earth. I gladly let her go. I would be wrong to hold on to such a great gem. The world is truly a better place because she has been in it.

I am in awe of her courage to move on and not look back. She has given away most of her possessions. Boy, what a wonderful gift to know for sure your child understands the bigger picture. She really is leaving with the clothes on her back. I am so grateful to God that I have been open and honest with her. Many times she has not liked my methods, but have come to appreciate the great effort I put into rearing her to become independent and a woman.

I wish her well and send with her all my love. You light up my life now go and shine on Texas.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Why Living God's Will Is the Only Way

I have began reading a book titled, Forgotten God. This deals with the very real reality that the Spirit of God has all but left the church as it is today.

Reading this book has clarified so very powerful experiences in my life. I understand better why I was able to follow God's will so easily. It is because I have read the scripture for myself. I understand and believe the promises made by God and I want to receive them, so I chose to develop a deep, loving relationship with Him.

Even though I have had a relationship with God for a long time, being human I was not exempt of falling pray to the world during my twenties. I lacked the confidence and self-awareness needed to stand firm in my beliefs and convictions. Now, knowing me and understanding that all I have is by the grace of God, I seek His guidance consistently, and I believe my life is a true testament to the fact.

I have walked in faith all my life. When I was a kid, there was a girl who picked on my everyday. She would walk behind me and push me in my back all the way home. I never turned around and looked at the crowd that would develop. I folded my arms and endured whatever licks she threw. I now know that I understood even then that God was going to take care of me and that I would be the better person in the end for having the resolve to maintain my cool and walk away.

Now, even more than ever I feel the presence of God in my life. I feel as though there is nothing I cannot do, because I know God has my back and only wants the best for and from me. When God showed me he intended for me to endure my marriage, instead of leave it when I found out my husband had a mistress, at first I couldn't believe it. I even filed for divorce, but I could never go through with it. I felt convicted everytime I even thought about proceeding. I have since come to realize it was because God has so much more for me to do.

I have willing given myself to what I believe is God's purpose for my life. I am open to change, willing to grow and eager to serve. Living God's will really is the only way to truly live.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Why I Would Marry the Same Man Again

My husband taught me a lot during the time of my marriage. I know no one else could have brought the woman out of me the way he was able to. It was because of who he was that drove me to be the best I could in every endeavor.

Watching him run from his potential made me appreciate mine all the more. I was determined to show him that people can grow, change and succeed. Although it didn't matter to him, it surely helped me and I am a better person for it.

I would marry him again if I had it all to do over. Yes, even though the marriage wasn't that great, it helped me develop my greatness. Who could ask for anything more? I am grateful to have had the opportunity to be a part of his journey. Being married to him taught me a lot about human behavior and limitations.

I know God is pleased with my efforts to be the best person I could be. He sent me the man he did to make sure it would happen.

Why Failure Is Not An Option

I have spent the majority of my life trying to be the best I can be. Failure, is not an option for me. I only have this one life and I am going to give it all I have. Failure is the lazy man's way to get sympathy. He refuses to do what he can and falls short because of it.

I know I am capable and willing. All I have to do is do it. It is my time to shine and I will with great appreciation for every opportunity I get.

Failure is not an option!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Why You Can Love; When You Can't Trust

The great thing about love is it does not need any other emotion to survive. Nothing makes love better or worse because love surpasses better or worse. Trust has nothing to do with love either. Trust is about you, not the other person. It is inevitable someone we trust will disappoint us. The more they stay within the parameters of what we expect, we develop what we feel is the ability to trust them. It may be, but we must no lean on the belief it will always be that way.

Each of us have a mission, a person in this life. It is solely our responsibility to recognize, accept, or reject what we have chosen. Whether you know it our not, it is your choices that make up what will become your life, after you are on your own, of course. Most of us are slaves to what others want from us when we are young, but once we become "grown" it is our choices that make or brake us.

I chose the wrong man to marry plain and simple. There is nothing remarkable about that, or surprising. What is remarkable and surprising is I chose to stick with the mistake and let it play itself out because I sincerely felt that was part of my purpose in life. I was so into what was unfolding that when the end came, I was in shock. I was ready and poised to ride it to death did us part.

Even though as I was going through the valley, I would sometimes question whether what I was experiencing was really meant to be forever, I did it anyway. I stayed the coarse, even though I knew I could not trust him.

I could not trust my husband from the day I met him, but I rarely acted like it. I always chose to let it go, to forgive. In the beginning, it would take me months to get to forgiveness. As the years went by, I got to forgiveness much faster, until my forgiveness muscle was rock strong and fully firing. I can forgive immediately now. Without hesitation, you are forgiven, unless I chose not to, of course.

Once I understood, that for me, trust became an issue of how I handled disappointment. That my faith required me to lean on God, not man. What I believe calls for me to do the right thing for the right things sake, not because of what I may/ or may not gain from doing so. You have to love to be able to trust. Trust cannot come before love and when it does the relationship will most definitely not last.

For many, a break in trust is all about them. They rarely take the time to really try to understand why they person is not able to be trustworthy. Most people are not because self-preservation is so strong. People will put you down in a minute, if it means they will gain. We see this time and time again, but do not recognize it for what it truly is. Spiritual warfare! No one really wants to be though of as untrustworthy, but when their soul ain't right, they are libel to do anything. I learned this lesson well with my husband.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Why I Refuse to Apologize

There was a time in my marriage I had a problem apologizing. It was because of false pride and once I worked on that, I was able to accept when I was wrong.

My husband can barely talk to me. He really is projecting his guilt on me and he can't handle that I am unwilling to talk about it period.

The whole thing got started because I asked him to find a better way to talk to me. I was laying down in the bed, my tone was appropriate, as a matter of fact, my voice was so low, he asked me to repeat what I said. When I did, he blew up. That was enough for me, but it just went into the Twilight Zone after that.

He has been steeped in denial for all of the time I have known him. When I sit and think back, the best I can describe our marriage is Judge Judy meets Ike Turner. Wow, what patience and tenacity on my part, but the majority of it was due to faith. I knew there was something great that would come out of my going through what I created, instead of running when it became more than obvious, I was trying to do the right thing with the wrong man.

He knows he is wrong. He just can't face how wrong he is, because I am the only other person involved, I am blamed for his lack of manhood, inability to control his temper, his mean spirit and vindictive heart. I won't play. He needs to get some help. Until I refuse to apologize.

Why Everyday Is Confirmation of Worthiness

So many of us wake everyday feeling as though we have nothing to offer. What we don't realize is we would not be here if it were not something for us to do, to give, to learn. God wants us to accept our place on this earth with a fever that is unmatched by others. We each are worthy of life because of this we must find a way to deal with the day in and day out of life.

I got pregnant when I was seventeen years old. My family was rocked behind this revelation. My mother could barely stand to look at me. To this day, I cannot reconcile with the hypocrisy she displayed. I have seen it all my life, parents spending too much time trying to make their children feel guilty, using shame, beatings, disapproval, distance, silence and negligence to get them in line. When what is needed, is for parents to step up and parent their children so that they won't grow up feeling unworthy.

Feelings of unworthiness begin early for most of us. How we are treated by those closest to us develops our self-esteem. So many in my generation, and most definitely the generations before, have had to struggle with being too light, or too dark, too fat, or too skinny, hair to nappy, hair too straight, too smart, too dumb. We have passed on the tenets of the Willie Syndrome generation after generation. It has only served to fill our children with a sense of unworthiness.

Know that you are worthy no matter how you look, or what you do. You have no control over anyone except yourself. You have no one to answer, except The Creator. You need to trust and believe that everyday you awake and take in a breathe it is confirmation of your worthiness.

Friday, October 7, 2011

It Hurts No Matter How Strong You Are

I couldn't begin to tell you how hard I have worked on my marriage. For it to end the way it has is not only a tragedy, but it is most unfortunate. I was so ready to go the distance and now I find myself having to consider spending time with another man.

I am proud of myself for they way I have handled the situation. I knew when I took the steps I took, there would be no going back. Whether we divorce or not, my husband and I will never be together again. It hurts too much to be around him and see all the ugliness and sin the bliss of love had blinded me from. I don't like looking at in with real eyes. I was happy to be under the delusion that someday he would live up to his potential. Now that it is obvious I am 100% wrong, I cannot handle being in his presence.

He will never be the type of man I need in my life. Looking back over the 26 years hindsight has revealed the truth. He is not a man and does not want the responsibility of being one. He is a leaner, a con artist, character flawed and extremely needy. I could not consider reconciliation without him receiving professional help. Even then, it would be hard to go back.

Yes, i am a strong woman. I have a lot going for me. I am very smart and intelligent and I am proof that it is so true, you can't help who you love.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Making Huge Changes

I am seriously considering changing careers completely. There is so much I need to do and there is no money in Human Services. Even though I'll always do something related, I do think it is time for me to get out of direct care.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

You Really Can't Hurt Me

My husband is so bitter and it is unnecessary. I have not done anything to him, but he insists on trying to use me as the reason why his life is messed up. I have spent a quarter of a century in his corner and he has done little to appreciate it.

Now that we are separated, he wants me to take responsibility for it, when all the time he knows, he brought it on himself. Now, he is trying to hurt me and it will only backfire on him. I have not asked for child support, but I will if I have to. He thinks he run, but he can't. He will need me before I will ever need him. I am moving on passed the bullshit, on to a better way of life.

You really can't hurt me, especially if I don't let you.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Why It is Important to Know Who You Are

There are so many reasons people do not get to know who they are. Some people are taught thinking about themselves, and what they want is being selfish. Unfortunately, for those who have no idea who they are, they are the ones who are easily led. They'll buy just because someone else does, they'll even sell for the same reasons. They spend loads of time thinking about what others think of them, doing all they can to please everyone, not realizing it will never happen.

It is important to know who you are because when you don't life gets increasingly hard to live. You begin to develop resentments because you feel you have no say in your life. To a great degree you don't when you measure your reality through the eyes of others. Knowing who you are is not a cure all, but a true beginning to understanding why you do some of the things you do and don't do.

Self-knowledge is also a gateway to understanding others. We are not really that much different and in the ways that we are, they don't really matter. Male/Female, skin color, eyes, nose, ears, etc. We all have these characteristics, but they minimally impact our lives. How we think, what we do, these are the things that make the difference.

Take time to get to know who you are. Learn to like you, you'll love you.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Why The Man Brain Has Gotten On My Nerves

Yes, I have written many pieces empathizing with men, but this one does not. Men think differently than we do and that is okay. Unfortunately, they are just as confused by the way they think as women are.

I began reading books written by men about men because I recognized I did not understand the "Man brain." During my studies, I became more and more compassionate as I learned many of the things I hated about men the most, were just a part of their natures. Just how they are wired.

This is when I accepted that we are to discover what the other sex is about and not try to assume we know them based on our limited experiences with them, still the man brain gets on my nerves. There ability to compartmentalized their actions gets me the most. This ability is what will allow a man who is "happy," at home, to stray. He can actually rationalize his actions by saying he keeps what he does away from home separate, and that because he does not love the woman, it does not matter. He has the love for his wife in a safe compartment in his mind.

We all know this is unacceptable, but it is true that because they think this way it is okay to act on their thoughts. Compartmentalization can be helpful if used correctly, but all the men I know have used it to be selfish, then justify the selfishness by stating, one act has nothing to do with the other.

Men also seem to experience only two emotions anger and sexual desire. Either they are mad or horny. The in between is rarely visited. For most of them, they don't even out until it is almost too late. By that time, everyone is so used to them not meeting their needs, they are either bitter, or just don't give a damn. What lonely way to live.

The other thing that bothers me is their ability to play stupid. Before they were married, or living with a woman, they didn't have any problem finding their socks, ironing and washing their clothes, feeding themselves, but even the most enlightened brother will take advantage of a woman if she lets them. They'll run her ragged getting beers, looking for lost items, and running errands.

Then, there is the constant ego stroking many of them require. This turned out to be my biggest resentment in my marriage. My husband required way too much ego stroking. I am not the nurturing type, so it has been a huge problem for me for years, even before I fully understood what the problem was. If you have such a massive ego, you need to tend to its maintenance yourself, because usually folk with ego issues have few people who want to be around them.

The man brain is useful, but right now I can do without it.

Why Some Black Men Are So Arrogant

Even the brothers who know that ain't worth a dime, have the never to be arrogant when it comes to dealing with women. They can do this because so many women are desperate for a black man until they will just about put up with anything.

It is sad, but so true. Women have continuously allowed themselved to be dominated by men who are not worthy of them, only to wise up too late and live the rest of their lives bitter and angry.

I truly married my husband based on the belief that he had great potential. 26 years later, I have learned he had just as much potential not to become the man he could and he chose not to. Now, he is left with a bunch of broken promises and no one wants to hear why the promises were never kept. It is too late.

Even my husband, who is clearly not worthy of the family he has, has the nerve to try to bait me into apologizing for something I clearly tried to avoid. He thinks my love for him overrides my sense but it doesn't. Because I love him, I know I have to remain firm in my convictions and move past what "I" think I want and deal with what is.

Until women value themselves whether they have a man or not, they are always going to be push and pulled around. Men will continue to treat women any kind of way until they stand up and say, "I'm good, with or without you," and mean it.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Why Tough Love Is Hard

I know I make look tough love look easy. I've been doing it all my life. The people closest to me are able to handle my ability to give them a real dose of reality, and sincere hope for the future. Yet, you often become the "heavy" when people are not truly ready and willing to deal with reality.

This is currently the case in my marriage. My husband refuses to accept he chose to make the wrong decisions when it came to dealing with me. I had told him weeks prior I would be doing my best to be a kinder person. He agreed that I should, but obviously he felt like he should be able to remain nasty and revengeful.

It is okay, like he said, "Who has lost? Me!"

I will not be disrespected not another day of my life if I have anything to say about it. Don't come to me if you are looking for "sucker love." That ain't my style. My love is real and sincere, honest and forthright. I'll stick with you, as long as you stick with me. I am not going to waste our time with lies and deceit. I have no time for that. Life is much too precious and too short.

I am doing many things the same as I turn 50, but what I won't be taking with me is 48 pounds, a disrespectful husband, the need to control others, and no anger. I am leaving anger to the amateurs of life. I have lived with anger and it kills the soul and hampers relationships.

Whatever my husband has against me, he will have to deal with it on his own. I gave what I knew and did the best with what I learned. That's all!