Thursday, April 29, 2010

Patience: Part I

Wow! I am so glad I am naturally patient. I know I often talk about what I have had to learn and I thank God that patience hasn't been one of them. I had to discover my patience and once I did I immediately saw the benefit. Yes, being patient meant I had to wait and I have come to find that waiting, especially on God's time is the best practice.

"The sooner you're patient, the easier you life will become. Really. When you're patient, you can relax and enjoy the ride. Life has its own timing. Although perfect, life often disagrees with human-created timetables."

Relax, relate, release!



"Successful achievement requires the use and coordination of three things--thoughts, feelings, and actions. Thoughts spark the process, get it going. Feelings keep the thoughts alive, encourage more thoughts, and get the body moving. Action is important to accomplish the physical task necessary for achievement."

Get up off that thang! Get er' done. Do what you say you want to do. Coordinate your thoughts, feelings, and actions.


Control Freaks

"The only think you can take charge of is the space within the skin of your own body. That's it. Everything (and, especially, everyone) else does not belong to that of which you can take charge. Considering the vastness of the Universe, "the space within the skin of your own body," doesn't sound like much. But consider what's contained in there: your mind, your body, your emotions, and whatever sense of You you've got. That, to paraphrase Sir Thomas More, is not a bad public."

For all of you out there thinking you can control anything, or anyone other than you, read this everyday.


Don't Get it Twisted

"There ae really only two ways to approach llife, as a victim or gallant fighter--and you must decide if you want to act or react, deal with you own cards or play with a stacked deck. And if you don't decide which way to play with life, it will always play with you." Merle Shain

People often ask, "How's life treating you?" I immediately let them know I don't let life treat me. I am the captain of my destiny.

You have to think like that. You cannot wait on life you have to create, develop, and live the life you desire.

Whose dealing your cards?

Born Two Win II

I really do believe we are all born to win. According to authors of "Born to Win," Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward, "When we refer to a person as a "winner," we don't mean one who beat the other people by winning over them and making them lose. To us, a winner is one who responds AUTHENTICALLY by being credible, trustworthy, responsive and genuine both as an individual and as a member of society." Although all people are born to win, they are also born helpless. It is the winners successfully make the transition from total helplessness to independence and then to interdependence. Losers do not."

When you read this, I am sure there are a lot of losers who come to mind. Many people, way too many people live unauthentic. They not only lie to others but they lie to themselves. Indifference is the order of the day and people can't wait to hide behind an excuse not to be the best citizen they can.

So many people give up their rights to happiness by being unwilling to look at what they bring to their lives and the lives of others. "To cope with unhappy experiences, children learn to manipulate themselves and others," says James and Jongeward. "These manipulative techniques are hard to give up later in life and often become set patterns. Winners work to shed these patterns. Loser hang onto them."

This plays out in my marriage vividly. Oh yes, I am the winner and my husband is the loser. He fits their definition perfectly.

A Loser- seldom lives life in the present; instead he destroys the present by focusing on past memories or future expectations.

A Loser-who lives in the past may lament if only: "If only I had married someone else..." or "If only I had a different job..." "If only I had different parents..."

A Loser- who lives constantly under the dread of future catastrophe may conjure up expectations of what if: "What if I lose my job..." or "What if they don't like me..." or "What if I make a mistake..."

I often say to my "only if, what if husband," "If "if" was a fifth, we'd all be drunk."

What if?

What if you stop saying what if? You'd just might find out what could happen. People like my husband have learned to rape life. They have learned to leave little of worth behind with the people they encounter. They have no remorse because they lack the authenticity to be aware that they are being fake. They are so used to manipulating, lying and cheating, until they think everyone is the same or expects to be taken advantage of.

25 years later, I could care less about the reasons why he's the way he is, as much as I care about whether he is willing to discover and change his losing streak.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Do What You Say You Are Going to Do

"be mature, firm in your commitments, generous and unshaken in the face of difficulty. So you will become capable of the great works your zeal makes you long for."

I always wanted to be an adult. I hated childhood. My father would say, "You are going to regret not learning how to play. You'll be in your 50's wanting to revisit you childhood."

I just laughed at him because deep down I know, when I'm 50 I'll be able to handle play. Play was tragic for me. Playing Monopoly with my siblings always led to cheating and arguments. Playing games became something a shunned. The man who molested me used "play" to groom me for his disturbed pleasures.

My parents could never play a game without an argument. I witnessed a man get shot during a game of craps because he was short 50 cents. It would never fail that there would be a fight after a school game, or dance. It seemed to me as a kid, fun led to pain.

But now that I am almost 50, I am really ready to play. I am in control. I can so yes or no, or even maybe.

So even though I am mature and firm in my commitments, I know I can let loose if I want to and not feel as though I cannot get back to me. Having found this balance in my life make me capable of doing the great works I truly do long for.

Be committed to fun today.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

My Time is Now

It really feels good to know how much God loves me. Although I do not have an easy life by no stretch of the imagination, I know who I am and I feel good about the decisions and choices I have made.

I know for sure my time is now and I am open to all the Universe have to offer. I have no regrets, especially since I feel better mentally than I ever have in my entire life. My mind is free and burdenless. I pass on all things I cannot change to the One. I hold onto nothing that does not concern me and I am in a constant state of gratitude for what I do have.

My time is now. I will not sleep on it. I will not deny it.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Saturday, April 24, 2010

I've Grown

I truly feel adult. I feel confident and capable and self-aware. I feel me. I feel as though I've grown.

My Own Stuff

My attempts to rectify some of the wrongs I carried out in my marriage failed. I've spent the last seven years trying to turn around some behaviors that ruined my relationship with my husband.

He was not willing, or able to forgive me, so he set out to hurt me and make me pay. He succeeded in successfully hurting me and making it impossible for me to believe in us ever having anything meaningful together outside our lives as parents.

My own stuff helped ruin my marriage. My own insecurities, inadequacies, ignorance, lack of humility, inability to love and to be loved. I held on to these things for way too long. Even though I am a firm believer that everything happens just as it should, I can't help but think about how things could have turned out had I been more relationship worthy.

There are many reasons why I was the way I was, none of which make any difference at this point. I did my best and I am actually proud of the progress I've made, but it is too late for our marriage to survive in any real way. The damage has been done. Thankfully, we are both mature enough to live together and raise our daughter. We both feel strongly our kids should be reared in a two parent home.

My own stuff kept me from being able to get what I needed out of my relationship. His stuff is keeping him from respecting the honest effort I have made. It is what it is.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Born to Win

Gestalt therapy and transactional analysis is designed to help individuals discover, acknowledge, accept and intergrate the fragmented parts of their personalities.

Gestalt is a German word that means "an organzied whole- a whole that works together. Dr. Perls believed the personalities of many people suffer from not being whole and are fragmented.

"The aim of Gestalt therapy is to help people become whole, to help them become aware of, admit to, reclaim and intergrate the fragmented parts of their personality."

I see it all the time. Parts of people's personalities splinter off to deal with things they are afraid to or cannot deal with as a whole. The whole purpose of Gestalt therapy is to help people go from dependency to self-sufficiency.

Gestalt therapy talks about "ego states." I was having a conversation with a friend about my husband. She questioned whether he could be a good father, when in fact he was fairing poorly as a husband and even a man. I explained to her that just because he has problems with being those to things doesn't mean he can't parent.

In Gestalt, each person has three ego states, Parent, Adult and Child. These states individual and have certain patterns of behavior. When you act like your parent's behaved, you are in your parent ego state, when you are dealing with current reality, handling business, assessing or gathering facts, you are in your adult ego state.

According to Gestalt therapy the Parent ego state -"contains the attitudes and behavior a person learns from external sources, primarily parents. Outwardly, the Parent is expressed toward others in prejudicial, critical and nurturing behavior. Inwardly, it is experienced as old Parental messages which continue to influence the inner Child."

The Adult ego state-"is not related to a person's age. It is tuned in to current reality. The Adult is organized, adaptable, intelligent and functions by thinking clearly and objectively."

The Child ego state-"contains all the impulses that come naturally to an infant. It also contains the memories of the child's early experiences and responses."

It is believed that people can act from all ego states, or they may predominately choose one or two they feel comfortable with portraying most of the time.

My husband, since I've known him has mostly operated through his Child and Parent ego states. He is rarely in reality and seldom wants to deal with NOW!

So when I say I feel he is a pretty good parent, he is. His parenting skills are better than mine in many ways. But as we all know, most adults do not want to be parented, thus he runs into a lot of problems with people because he usually is in his Parent ego state. He is constantly trying to tell other people what they should and should not do, but has no clue when it comes to his own life.

I can literally say I've never felt like we have had an adult conversation. We have plenty parent conversations, but I draw the line when he is in his Child ego state. This is why we rarely talk.

We make a mistake when we look at people in an "all or nothing manner." People are amazing in amazing ways. They have so many layers. There are few people who are completely worthless. It is easy to write people off when they don't MEASURE up to our standards, but who are we to hold others to certain standards? That is not love. Not the love I know God wants us to have for our fellow man.

I value what my husband brings to our family as a parent. We have well mannered, intelligent, self-confident children. Their father has been extremely nurturing with them all their lives. Just the other day my son came to me and said, "Mom, even though I'm really mad at Dad, I have to admit he has always shown me love."

Maybe that shouldn't be enough for me, but it is. I went my entire childhood feeling unloved by parents who provided love through lip service, while simultaneously doing everything they could to rob me of my soul. At the end of the day, knowing you are loved is the best sleeping pill.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Waiting on David

Not unlike many women in long-term marriages, I have come to accept what I cannot change in my relationship. Although I commend both my husband and myself, for believing we could have the family we both desired, even with the traumatic backgrounds we both brought to the union.

Some things have come to light that have altered the way I will function in my marriage for its duration. I have made the decision to stick with my original decision and that is to stay married at least until my daughter is out of high school. I feel strongly and believe completely children fair much better when they come from two parent homes. I refuse to deprive her of her father, because I have finally accepted what I have always known, my husband is taking his time becoming a man, therefore he is unable to meet my needs as a woman.

This quote, "We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains," is my new mantra. I will not grieve the loss of hope that has gripped my heart. I will not grieve never having the type of man I need. I will not grieve. I will not grieve.

Instead, I will continue to find strength in the knowledge that living for God will insure I am happy with my life. My relationship does not define me. It never has and it never will. I will find strength in my ability to recognize that this is what I should do, instead of run for a divorce, or become bitter because I am not getting my needs met, yet again.

My situation is textbook in so many ways. I literally married my mother, father, and molester. I repeated the cycle of pain I grew up with. The neglect, the rejection, the misuse of trust, the lack of respect, the inability to honor me for what I bring to the world.

I have learned my lesson and I am waiting on David.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

No Understanding

I listen to men talk about women and it is amazing how much they don't understand and how much they don't want to understand.

Men think things would be better if women were more like men. Women think the same. Who wants to be with themselves? Let's get real.

You can't get next to love without getting involved. If you are interested in the opposite sex, then you have to be willing to deal with what comes with the opposition. We must open up to each.

You Just Never Know

As much as I believe in marriage, and the importance of doing all you can to stay married. I am finding it difficult not to want to stop the madness.

Relationships are hard. I have been with my husband for 25 years and he is just now understanding how selfish and immature he has been throughout the relationship. He feels like I should be glad that he FINALLY gets it. Instead of relief, I feel, "It's about time." But I'm worn out. As far as he has come, it is still no where near I am.

When you are immature yourself, as I was earlier in the relationship, it doesn't seem like such a big difference, but after doing the Soul Work I needed to do and having grown as much as I have, his declaration upset me.

I want him to be closer to where I am. As a matter of fact, I NEED him to grow more, but I have no control over him, so I have to do what I have to do for me. I can't say I plan to divorce, but something has to give.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


A friend of mine and myself are on a mission to help shift the paradigm of divorce. Her book is book two in the Get Out of The Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage series.

The book is at the press as I write this. We have been talking about the reception we receive from people who hear our stories and wonder why we have stayed in our marriages.

We both stay for the same reason. We believe it is what God wants us to do, and our husbands "get" us, and let us be us, unconditionally. These type of men are hard to find. It is rare that you meet anyone who lets you be you, let alone someone who is in an intimate relationship with you. Most people want to change their spouses, but we got lucky, we both found men who do not try to keep us from letting our lights shine.

I won't lie and I have said it before that it means more to me to be able to be me in my marriage than anything else I can imagine. More money would be nice, another car, a bigger and better house, but I don't think I could have a better love. My friend feels the same way. She has been married almost 30 years to the same man. I've been with my husband for 25.

No, it has not been easy, but it has been worth it. We both have a calling on our lives and we have been blessed to meet each other. We will be hosting workshops and forums talking about marriage and relationships. The first one will be held at the Public Library in Louisville, KY on 4th, Monday, April 26th at 7 p.m.

Come check it out. For more information email

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

From Which I Receive My Help

"People are not always loyal and grateful....gratitude is rare, we must get used to living only for God and to expect thanks only from Him." St. Mary Euphrasia

This is so true and so hard to do. Because we are human and of flesh, it makes it hard for us to live only for God, who is of spirit. We have to dig deep within ourselves to live only for God. We must relinquish our need to have others be there for us and grateful that we are there for them. We must do what we do because we know it is right and in line with what God mandates for us all.

Once I really understood the above quote, I was no longer unhappy with the way my marriage turned out. I understood I was to do what I had done and continue to do what I feel is right in the marriage. It has been very hard to perservere during many of the circumstances and situations that have presented themselves during my 25 year relationship with my husband.

He has not shown me the respect or love I would have hoped for, but what did happen for me is I grew to understand I didn't need it from him as much, when I learned to love myself more and appreciate my ability to love him despite his inability to love me. I do believe this is what God wants from us, especially in our marriages. Whether he loved me or not, my need for love drove me to find the greatest love of all, love of self.

So many people get married thinking they will be completed in some way. Marriage is just the beginning. Whatever completion of self that happens, happens when one learns to love themselves, not by being loved by someone else.

Lean on your faith in times of dispair. Be honest with yourself and open up to the possibility that if you are unhappy it may because you haven't learned to appreciate, be loyal to and love yourself.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Prevent Teen Pregnancy

Doesn't that title sound stupid? We are always against something, fighting something, rejecting something, denying something.

We, (America) hasn't figured out that trying to keep people from having sex, especially when they first discover it, is almost impossible without first holding them in high enough esteem that will allow them to understand and value waiting to relinquish their virginity. Our methods for trying to prevent pregnancy are negative and will never work.

Even with education, the drive to engage in sexual intercourse is strong and will most likely only result in that person taking precautions to prevent pregnancy and/or disease. which is all you can really hope for.

If we want to prevent teen pregnancy, we have to learn to relate to our teens. I don't see this happening. So many parents are too caught up in themselves, their jobs, etc.

We need to hold our daughters longer into their teenaged years. Their fathers should be the ones complimenting them and making them feel special and helping them understand the importance of denying their flesh. Instead, we preach and yell, and restrict, and deny. In many homes, this behavior by the parents will solidfy that child engaging in sex.

Many households have upheld the "Don't ask, don't tell," rule for centuries. No one is asking questions and no one is devulging any information. In the last blog, I mentioned my youngest daughter telling me about her classmate. She told me because she said she was having some symptoms that sounded like symptoms of pregnancy. I immediately asked her was she pregnant. She yelled, "I'm still a virgin!" I just wanted to hear her say it. I knew she wasn't pregnant, but it was also my way of letting her know what some of the symptoms of pregnancy are. She then revealed all the other information about her classmate.

Open, honest, communication! This is the only way to prevent most things.

Never Too Late

Have you hurt someone? Have you hurt yourself? It is never too late to forgive. Absolutely never too late.

Use your forgiveness muscle and watch love grow.


We all have an agenda. No matter how big or small each of has some sort of idea of what we want for ourselves.

Sometimes people's agendas have more to do with others than themselves. There are people who plot the lives of others, ignoring their own. There are people who actually believe they know what is right for other people, while their own lives are in complete disarray.

Find out what a persons agenda is before you let them put you on their list.

Blog 101

I have written 100 blogs this is 101. I want to talk about women who get married too young.

So many times young girls fantacize about marriage. They have no idea what it takes to be mature enough to make the commitment they are hell bound on making.

When most of these young women get married, they have built up a false sense of being capable of handling whatever comes their way. They think because they are "grown," which usually means they are 18 and over, that they are ready.

All it takes is one instance of something happening they did not expect for many of them to run to family and friends proclaiming the mate does not love them because they are not who they thought they were, or they are not living up to their expectations. Most family and friends were reared up on the same misinformation regarding marriage and may encourage her to leave, or to withhold, or withdraw. It is rare that a young woman's circle includes someone who is progressive and educated about relationships.

These young women are fragile and often use tears to try to motivate the spouse to return the response they hoped the tears would evoke. Most often, because men are male, they tend to reject tears and rarely respond to them in a positive way. A precedence is usually set after this very first misunderstanding. He does something she had not bargained for, she gets upset, includes others, he retreats, she cries to try to get him to come out of his cave, but he digs himself in deeper, because that is what a lot of males do when they cannot handle emotional upheaval, even if the caused it.

My kids laughed at me when I told them they should wait until they are 30 before even thinking about getting married. It seemed too long to wait, but as the first two began to have psuedo relationships, they soon understood my proclaimations that they would not be ready for the emotional turmoil often caused when one tries to soon to be committed to another at such a young age.

My daughter is 30 years old and has only recently met someone she is considering having a committed relationship with. I am proud of how she listened to me telling her over the years that she was not emotionally ready for a committed relationship. I think she listened to me, because the people who she was involved with told her the same thing. She often heard them say to her, "You are not affectionate enough." "You don't seem to care whether I'm here or not."

I told her that her fear of intimacy was showing and at the wrong place and time, during her intimate relationships. She was 29 before she sincerely felt she was ready to think about committing to someone.

My 18 year old son has really heeded my cry not to get too involved too early. He has refused to get a steady girlfriend and I must admit leads a drama free existence, while his peers are struggling with petty fights, break-up to make-ups, and emotional turmoil.

My 13 recently told me a classmate of hers told several kids she was sexually active and is now ashamed because she thought it would make her popular, instead, the kids have been cruel and make fun of her. My daughter told me she was asked if she ever planned to have kids. She said she told them, "Yes, after I finish school, and that includes college." Good answer.

We have to talk to our children and tell the truth about marriage. Marriage is for mature adults, not young adults still trying to find their own way in this world. Get to know you, before you get married.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Too Much, Too Little, Too Late

Most relationships run a certain course. I am a firm believer that forever does not exist. All we get is the time we have however long that may be.

Yet, we do have some say when it comes to what happens to us. I'm finding more and more that I am unwilling to live the way I have been for that past few years. I am ready for a drastic change and I fear others will not be able to handle the transitions, transformations, and removals of those who no longer have a place in my life.

All who have not invested in a relationship with me will find trying to have one now will be too much, too little, too late.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Empathy: Part Two

Of course I expected women to be upset with the first part of this on going blog. My values have been challenged. I was asked, "Are you saying that you do not believe in monogamy in a marriage."

I believe marriage is the only relationship where monogamy can be assumed. I do not believe men or women are naturally monogamous. Monogamy is a choice. I got married because when I saw what AIDS did to Rock Hudson, one of the most beautiful men I have ever laid eyes on, I was horrified.

I immediately vowed to give up my "free love" lifestyle and chose to marry.

I did so knowing there was a possibility either one of us would not be able to hold to our vows of only having sex with the other. My first blog was specifically written with the purpose of focusing on men.

I valued myself and I saw participating in a monogamous relationship as a narrowing of the opportunity I would catch that horrible disease. I never wanted to marry. I wasn't one of those girls who fantasized about being a mother or having kids. I've always wanted to be a career woman free to do what I want when I want. My self-respect wouldn't let me continue to have meaningless sex with men of my choice. I valued who I could be as a woman and I refused to allow giving into what amounts to biological, natural desires to cause me to lose my life.

Men, on the other hand, seem to have a harder time resisting their flesh. What I was saying in the other blog is; after raising a boy, I can empathize with their struggle. Some women who don't know their husband's masturbate, and/or haven't reared little boys have no idea of what it is like to watch a male struggle with what is the appropriate handling of their penis. I had to begin teaching my son at the age of three, (when he discovered his penis felt good when his rubbed it) that it was inappropriate to touch himself in front of others. I would direct him to his room, with his penis in his hand letting him know through my actions that I had no issue with him touching him, as much as I did with the fact he did so in front of others and in the living room.

I did him a great service. By not shaming him, I allowed him to do what comes natural and gave him life skills at the same time. Say what you want, you cannot go against nature. God did not intend males to have to go through such torture. They are all born with foreskins, but in our lazy culture the skin is removed because disease can easily hide in the folds of the skin. A man has to be very clean to keep odor, and disease away. Removing the foreskin is a religious ritual for the Jewish faith, but it is done to prevent disease and make it easier to keep clean.

If we (men and women) would only think of each other as undiscovered territory, we could be monogamous. Instead, because we are never content, we want to believe there is always something better, when most often we don't even know what we got in the bed with us.

I believe marriage is the only true relationship that can sustain monogamy. The vows dictate it. The couple swears to it. I can be done.