Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Writing Again

I go through spells of writer's block. I have been experiencing it off and on for most of this year. I write my blog almost everyday, but that's not the type of writing I'm referring to. I am working on three books. Most of what I do is highly personal and the book I am currently working on is no exception.

I am writing B. F. I.-Black Female Intellectual. This book contains commentary, poetry, journal entries and stories I have written and kept since 1973. I am currently working on the writings that led up to when I got pregnant in 1979. I got pregnant around the end of March. I notice I stopped writing after February, 1979 and didn't start again until June of 1979. It has been a tearful journey so far. I find myself crying for various reasons. One of the biggest is that I recognize how much I have always leaned on God to help me throughout my life.

Most of the letters are to God asking for His assistance, His forgiveness, His guidance. It seems no matter what the occasion, I turned to God to find the answer. I saw a sign that said, "Courage is fear has said it's prayers." One of my favorite things to say is, "I am prayed up." And I am. Just re-reading these writings have even more solidified my belief that the reason I have been able to survive on the level I have is because I have never forgotten God.

Now that I am writing again, I feel confident that I will get the three books out, with God's help.

The Bible Tells Me So

I have to admit I am sick of all the scripture written on Facebook. There are too many of us that don't know the word. There are even fewer of us who can't quote the Bible, but there are a whole bunch of us who cannot live it.

After a while, it is overkill. Too much of anything is too much and I say there are way too many folk preaching on Facebook. It is almost like they think they are being wise, or smart, or real, but in reality, they are hiding behind the word. Yes, I do believe they are hiding behind the word. Some of these people I know personally and I know they are doing it for show because they have nothing real to say.

You have a word for someone that is your own that will mean just as much as scripture or maybe more because the person will fill it came from the heart and not from you searching for just the right quote to paste on your wall.

I am also not impressed by all the husband and wife ministry teams that are cropping up. It is almost like couples are sitting back trying to figure out an income stream, and miraculously, both of them have been called to preach. Anyway!

I am so glad I know that I know that I know. I am so glad I don't feel it necessary to beat people over the head with scripture, then can simultaneously not have a kind word for my family, or friends. I will tell you people are frontin' and it ain't cute. God don't like ugly and I know, because the bible tells me so.

You So Brave

It amazes how folk like to label you. I told my Facebook family that my husband had been unfaithful. I received a reply stating that I was brave to share my testimony with others. I am sure this same person considers herself a Christian and probably believes she adheres to the tenets of Christianity. I would have expected her to recognize that I am doing what Jesus would do. He shared his pain with and his purpose with us.

We are mandated to share the glory of the Creator in our lives. I was redeemed and renewed when I gave up my idea of what I thought a wife should be. I had a whole lot of crazy ideas, issues and hang-ups. When I accepted the role I played in assisting my husband with choosing to deal with our problems by having an affair, it changed the way I dealt with him and myself.

I found I was doing too much and of course, he wasn't doing enough. My decision to write two books about the ordeal came directly from my belief that in order for things to get better those of us who have made it through the fire without smelling like smoke give testimony to the glory of God.

No, I am not brave. I am obedient.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The More You Get

It is true for many of that they more we get the more we want. Whether we deserve it or not, many of us feel we should get certain things just because we want thing. Ask yourself this today, "If I got everything I wanted, where would I put it?"

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

New Way of Thinking

I have lost 10 pounds since May. I noticed it in my clothes. I went to the doctor Monday and she seems reluctant to believe that I have been able to lose weight just by making the decision to do so. I simply, yes simply, stopped eating so much. That is all I have done. I was diagnosed with severe arthritis, so I stopped the exercising I was doing because I was in so much pain afterwards.

I also realized I needed to lose weight to help take some of the pressure off my knees. For the first time in my life I feel weak and incapable of doing certain things. This has been devastating for me in many ways. First of all, I am an avid dancer. I would dance all the time at home. Now, before I bust a move I ask myself if the pain afterwards is worth it. I limit my dancing to when I go out and will have time to recuperate from having a good time. I am deeply saddened over the loss of mobility.

I made a decision to think differently and that meant I had to give up my fat girl mentality. I had to change the way I thought about food and how much I thought I wanted or needed. I found I don't need as much as I thought I did. I also stopped using certain oils, condiments, etc. These things add unnecessary calories and unwanted pounds.

When I was 15, my uncle Al looked at me and said, "Girl, all you need to do is push away from the table." I remember running from the room crying because I felt he was being cruel. In a way he was because he hadn't seen me in years and he blurted that out before he even said Hi. Whether he was being cruel or not, he was right and now all these years later, more mature, I am doing just what he suggested and it is working.

I had to change my fat girl mentality. I had to stop beating myself up and I had to learn to love me right where I am now and stop wishing some miracle would take the unwanted pounds off. Although the numbers on the scale say I should be worried, my internal numbers are great. Cholesterol 195, blood sugar 72, triglycerides 89, yes, I am bragging. I am at least 80 pounds over my ideal weight, but my internal functioning is that of a healthy person and that is what matters most. The numbers on the scale are slowly reflecting the effort I have put into changing the way I think.

Just Be

Don't you just want "be?" Don't you want to have a day where no one bothers you for any reason at any time? I find it almost impossible to find a moment to really be alone. In the early, early hours of the morning is the only time I can really call my own. My family is constantly expecting something from me, on some level.

I cannot blame them. I have billed myself as the go to person in their lives. Yet, I crave a moment where I don't have to be anywhere or do anything for anyone, for any reason. I don't see those days coming too soon, but it is refreshing to realize I know I need time for myself. This means I will take advantage of any time that reveals itself as mine and mine alone.

Since my husband can no longer work, he is at home all the time. We spend a lot of time together. It has turned into true quality time because he no longer has the pressure of making a living hanging over his head. He doesn't "have" to be anywhere for any particular reason, so he focuses on me. This is not a bad thing. As a matter of fact, I am enjoying some of the attention.

He is a lot more attentive and interested in what I am experiencing, whereas before the illness, he was distant and often not around, now he is here all the time and wants to know everything that is going on. He sort of acts like it has been that way all the time. Maybe he was here in spirit and I just couldn't tell. I am glad to see that we haven't tired of each other in the real sense. Even though our taste in TV is different, we compromise. He watches sports all weekend. Since I don't watch TV much it kinda works out. We like the same kinds of music and we both can sleep without the TV going. This was not the case when we first married. He always had to have noise.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when we structure our lives around people and events. When we think we want a family and careers, and lots of everything. We force ourselves into a place that suffocates the us, out of ourselves. We are wife, mother, lover, friend. When do we get to just be?

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Relationship Coach

I have been a relationship coach for a while. I have several people who have given me the credit for helping them understand their role in the demise of certain relationships. I find that most people don't want to view themselves as the person who is causing the conflict in the relationship. When they find out that they contribute to the chaos, they tend to want to run and hide, only to have to face the music in the end.

Many people frown upon getting involved with helping people reach their highest selves. I think it is a blessing to care enough to want to help another bridge the gaps in their thinking that keep them from having to experiences with others they truly desire.

I am not the type of person who drags a person into anything, if a client becomes unwilling, I am unwilling, after all, it is their life. If they cease to care, it doesn't do my any good to hold on to trying to helping them in any way until they are ready to help themselves.

I do not believe we can motivate others. We can help they see how it is in their best interest to do a certain thing, but to motivate them? I don't think so. Folk have to want change, they have to need something real, they have to desire personal power and freedom. You cannot make anyone understand the worthiness of these things, they need to find out for themselves.

Free your mind and the rest will follow.

Out to Lunch

I had to go to the doctor on Monday. I got a call from my husband stating he was in the lobby of the building. He called again and said he was coming up. I had to give blood, then we left. As we walked out of the door, he asked me what I wanted for lunch. We caught the bus to 4th Street and went to a Mexican restaurant.

As we dined, we laughed and made jokes, and bothered the waiters. We spent a very nice afternoon together. It amazes me how much we still enjoy each other. How we laugh and touch and look into each others eyes without reservation. We have paid our dues to get to this point and it feels great.

Even though he looked awful. He had been up all night throwing up and unable to sleep, yet he wanted to surprise me and he did. I enjoyed going out to lunch with my husband.

Freedom of Choice

I know for a fact that it is our choices that make up our lives. Yes, some things are out of our control, but ultimately what choose to or not to do is the stuff that our lives are made up of. People make the mistake of thinking they can blame others, or circumstances for the outcome of their lives, when in reality the choice is always theirs.

Even in the worse situations, you have a choice. Being married as long as I have and by choice has helped me understand this dynamic greatly. For a long time, I blamed certain things on my husband when in actuality all I had to do was to choose to do something different, etc. Instead it was easy to make believe all my problems were because of him.

When we make bad choices we must also be willing to accept the consequences for said choices. People do what they want and when it doesn't necessarily turn out the way they think it should, they then refuse to take responsibility for making the wrong choice.

You have the freedom to choose. Study long and choose wisely.

Monday, November 15, 2010

My Kids

My kids are way too attached to me. I had to work overtime last Thursday and didn't come home until 7p.m. after leaving at 11:00 p.m. the night before. My husband called to tell me my children were beginning to get upset and wanting to talk to me.

He put the phone on speaker and all three started talking at the same time. "Where you at?" "When you coming home?"

My son met me at the bus stop to walk me home. As we walked, I began to talk to him about the fact that I could drop dead today and he needed to be ready. "Mom, I ain't ready for that. You know you are my backbone. I don't even want to think about not being with you."

"Son, you are your best thing. You can and will do what is necessary at the time. You just have to start thinking that way now. You have to let yourself think about what you would do if I am not here."

My 30 year old hugged and kissed my like I had been gone forever. They are all very attached in a real way. They just want to be where I am. I love my kids and they know it. They miss it in a very short time of separation. They know I am devoted to them and will just about do anything for them.

I believe they are prepared for the world. They just don't want to believe it. Time will tell.

Emotional Intelligence

Unfortunately, not many of us are emotionally intelligent enough to handle relationships. Men, more so than women. Men tend to run from their own emotions and women don't understand why. It is how they are wired, how they are socialized and how they are reared.

Parents who allow healthy expression of emotion will rear a more balanced child than those who have rigid gender role ideas, or certain expectations that may be maladaptive. I was reared to believe it was wrong to cry whether you were male or female. Crying was viewed as a sign of weakness.

I was highly sensitive so it took nothing for me to cry and I had no problem doing so. Both my parents gave me hell because of it, but there was something so strong about my awareness of my humanity that I ignored their beliefs and did what came naturally to me. If I was hurt, disappointed, or afraid, I cried. I didn't let them keep me from being human.

We are not allowed to let our emotions flow we are tortured by feelings of unsuitableness because it takes it all happiness, sadness, fear, laughter, joy, peace, to make up our humanness. Denying ourselves the opportunities to feel the full range of our emotions only numbs us and ultimately makes us bitter.

How emotionally intelligent are you?

Back to Lovin'

I can't put my finger on it, but something has changed my husband. It has been almost a month since I returned from my trip to East St. Louis, IL, and he has been a different man in many ways ever since.

He seems to appreciate me more and is less temperamental with me. I mentioned it to him twice and he has confirmed he is making an effort to be a better husband. Better late than never, especially since we are still married.

I know he couldn't do better before now. He has really grown a lot overall as he has approached 50. It is amazing how people have to grow at their own pace. I cried, prayed, yelled and screamed for him to grow up, but he didn't until he was ready and ready for him did not come until this year, a few months before his 50th. He will turn 50 on 11/28/10. He has been hesitant to mention celebrating or even being her on earth because he is so ill. I have tried to be a comfort to him and he allows it now more, than he did just a few months ago. People really can grow.

It is a good thing that with age comes wisdom. Some of us would really be in bad shape if it didn't. I am going to sit back and enjoy what I am experiencing.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Raising Babies

I am almost done rearing my last child. She is a delight, but I am so tired of being a mother. I started too early. I was way too serious too young and now that I am almost 50, I'm ready to play.

I am ready to explore who I am without the day-to-day dealing with children who I am responsible for. I am ready to play.

I don't even know what play would look like on me. The things I consider fun have very little to do with others, but I feel drawn to another way of life. Something less structured and restrictive. I am ready to play.

So, I'll spend the next four years designing the life I want and learning how to play. By the time she's ready to go to college, I should have it all mapped out.

Doing Me

I have changed the focus of my business. I was primarily helping others publish their works and promoting them. I have decided to do more traditional publishing and to promote myself more.

I am more of a support person than people are aware of. I love helping others realize their dreams and goals, but I have learned the hard way you cannot motivate people. They have to want it from the jump or it will never happen.

I want it. All that is supposed to be mine. I want it and the only way I will get it is to continue to promote my brand and do the things that get my books noticed.

There Comes a Time

There comes a time in the lives of many when they have to accept the reality of the matter. We are not in control of anyone other than ourselves. It is such a relief not to feel as though you must take care of others, do for others, know what others need, or try to fix things others have messed up.

I am fully aware of when I am trying to control something that is out of my control. Depending upon the situation, sometimes they way people treat you will let you know you need to ease up. You need to let go and let them, or God, whichever comes first.

So many of us think we know what is good for others, but cannot begin to do what we need to do for ourselves. It is so frightening. There does come a time when you have to know it is wrong to interfere, to suggest, to lay claim to responsibilities that belong to others.

Let now be the time you stop getting involved in the affairs of others.

Monday, November 8, 2010


Owning my own business has taught me you cannot trust people and there is no need in thinking you can, especially when money is involved.

Almost everyone of my clients have tried to cheat me on some level. It has really made me sad, but I am not going to give up. I know something good has to come out of all this. I am waiting with faithful patience for the Universe to reveal the purpose of the past few years, as far as business is concerned.

I do believe something great is going to happen soon. I will not be discouraged or give up on my goals and dreams. I will continue to do what I have done and remain honest, no matter who tries to bring me down.

Just Don't Get It

I began the series Get Out of the Way!Claim God's Will for Your Marriage because I recognized people really don't get what marriage is all about. The get what the wedding is about. All the showers and parties, but when it comes down to dealing with the nuts and bolts of marriage, folk draw a blank.

It seems as though folk just want the good times. They can't seem to understand that marriage is truly about day-to-day, everyday. It is about sticking and staying, dealing and hanging. I encourage people to remember the vows they took and pay attention to how they feel when they are obligated to stand up to the commitment they have made.

So many are ready to run when things don't go their way. What marriage does for us is gives us the opportunity to evolve into our highest selves. The constant compromising and thinking of others is not meant to demean or keep you from living your life. Instead, it is designed to give you the opportunity to know the richness that comes with true commitment.

Marriage gives us the opportunity to find a real sense of peace and to share our lives with someone who says they have our best interest at heart. Unfortunately, many just don't get it.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


Yesterday my husband and I were trying to remember the last time we had an argument. He said he had thought about it while I was at work and could not remember. I can't either. It is so amazing to me. My agreeable attitude is working and I have found he is not as disagreeable as I would have accused him of being in the past.

It was my unwillingness to be in agreement that mostly kept us at bay. Once I managed my disagreeable spirit, I was able to let go of the need to make him the one who was disagreeing.

Each day is getting better and better. I am thankful I stayed. I am so glad I did not divorce him. I would have never known how wonderful things could be between us.


Most people meet me and do not believe I am an introvert. I am a writer from the tip of my head to the bottom of my feet. Because of that, I find my own company most gratifying and being alone does not bother me in the least. To write you need alone time and solitude. Silence is my best friend. The early mornings allow me to have the peace I need and desire to write what is on my mind.

Yet, I do have a few friends. There are very few people I call friend. Most of the people I know never get past associates. I just don't let people in. It is a very isolated way to live, but one I am most comfortable with. I am not a traveler, so it doesn't bother me when people I know go places or aspire to. I do like to go out a few times a month and that is usually to listen to poetry or to dance. Since I've been injured I haven't been able to go dancing as much as I would normally go.

I just don't feel the need to have a people around me and as I get older, I find that I want less and less contact with others, even my family. I am constantly thinking about the time when there is no one home but me. I crave alone time. Still, we all need people in our lives. I am doing all I can to allow myself to be more open, but at 48 years old, I really don't see it happening.

I am grateful for the few people who consider me their friend. I do try hard to be the best friend I can be, which looks different than the way other people display their friendship. I let people come to me. I let them know I appreciate them, but I won't be going to their house, going out to lunch or dinner, or wanting to hang out with them. It just ain't me. But let them need me and I am there.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Devotion-Part One

I have figured it out. I finally understand what bothers so many people when they see people trying to stay together when others think they should split. Many people have a problem with devotion.

To some, devotion looks like you are being a fool, because you can overlook, deal with, ignore, accept, or simply not care about things that would destroy most relationships. Devoted people have a sense of awareness that tells them to continue to do and be all they can in their relations. The devoted ones will try something new, if something they tried previously didn't do. Devoted people do not need reasons to remain devoted to what they have committed themselves to.

When you are married, you have a marvelous opportunity to rise to your best self. Marriage, if properly performed gives us the opportunity to rid ourselves of self-seeking, selfishness, and petty ways. Marriage can help you get over yourself. The whole idea of marriage is for two people to come into agreement over the most important aspects of their lives. Marriage gives us the opportunity to mature and love unconditionally.

I had every rightful reason to divorce my husband. He cheated, he abandoned, he lied, he stole, etc., etc. Yet, when I thought of divorce, it went against what I felt deep down inside. It never seemed to be the true answer to the problem. I learned it wasn't up to me to judge my husband or expect him to fit a certain mold or criteria. I learned I was mandated to love him and to be his wife, only. When I let go of all my preconceived notions, I was able to have compassion for him and to open myself up to reconciliation. I stayed, he stayed, we grew.

Our relationship has evolved more in the last two years than I could have ever imagined. My desire to be and stay devoted has allowed me to experience a side of my husband I would not have, had I not got out of the way and claimed God's will for my marriage.

All marriages are not covenants. People marry for different reasons. I married for love and I had to remind myself of that to be able to stay devoted.

Don't let others dictate how your perform in your marriage.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


I am having feelings that tend to make me want to leave where I am and do something different with different people. I have grown tired of the routine I have set for myself, even though oddly enough it is still gratifying when I want to fall back on it. Yet, I yearn for a new way of life. I am craving myself. I want to be with me.

I have been responsible since I was 17 years old. I have had to tow the line and be mature and take care of others and now I want my time, but I still have a teenager to get out of high school and into college. Sometimes I get frightened by how real my desires are to be free. I want to soar. I have been flying for a while now. I am ready for new heights.

Having a chronically ill husband probably has a lot to do with it. He is so sick I just can't seem to get away from it. We spend a lot of time together up close and personal which really isn't bad because we have a good relationship. It amazes how we have gotten to the point where we don't argue. We say what needs to be said and leave it at that. So, I can't say that I'm stressed out because we aren't getting along. I can't remember the last time I was angry with him, or he me for that matter, still I just want a break. I need to deal with these feelings.

Something New

Something new is happening in my relationship. I can tell my husband is putting forth effort to be a better husband. In a way it is sort of eery. Since I came home from my trip to East St. Louis, IL, he seems to really appreciate me more. He is less irritable and has been more attentive.

When I came through the door, he literally ran to me with his arms stretched to hug and kiss me. I was shocked. I told him I didn't think he'd ever responded that way to me before. Something new is happening in our relationship.

He asked me if I KNEW he loved me. I hesitated for a long time because I know he thinks he does, and he does in his own way, but the truth of the matter is as long as he doesn't love himself, he'll never fully love another. Doesn't look like he's in line for self-love lessons, so I am reluctant to accept that he really loves me in the truest sense of the word. I accept what he has to offer as love. I do understand that many people are where he is, lost in themselves without a paddle.

Yet, the something new feels like it should have always been. I guess that is why I recognize it. I know how it should be, even though I've lived with how it is. I refuse to be bitter and work hard at being better. He is willing to try and that has always been enough for me and why we have stayed together for 25 years. He understood long before I did how messed up he was, but there is something so real about his desire to have a better life than the one he cut our for himself.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Am I Ready?

Everyday I watch my husband of 21 years get weaker and weaker. I look at him and wonder how much more pain can he stand. How many more days can he go without eating? He seems to somehow ignore how sick he really is in hopes that it will all just go away and get better.

But then there is a side of him that fully understands how sick he is and how bad off he will get if he does not soon comply. All I can do is watch and wait. My words are no comfort to him. All he hears is "I told you so." No, I haven't said that to him. How could I? I must admit even I thought he would soon do what is in his best interest, but I'm still waiting. Every other day he talks about exercising, but does not do it. He talks about eating right, but still puts to much in his body then has to throw it up because his body takes so long to digest his food due to the gasteoparesis.

Am I ready? I want to believe I am, but while I write this my eyes fill with tears. There is a lump in my throat and I feel overwhelmed with sadness. The one thing I truly have to keep me sane is the fact that I could have walked out on him and I chose not to. I chose to stay committed and I feel great about that. I don't let myself think, "I should have divorced him." Had I done so I do believe he would not have lived these past two years. I do believe the love I've shown has kept him wanting to live. He has said as much, but I refuse to take credit in his presence. I will act like I have a little modesty, but it is more than obvious if it were not for me reminding him of his commitment to his family, he would give up.

No, he has not been the best person. He has most definitely been a horrible husband, but he has put effort into being a father to his children. Is it enough? Will he feel regret, or will he be okay with the life he's led? Time will tell. I just want to be ready.