Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Keeping It Real

Folk say they want people to be honest with them, but let me tell you this, they don't. As soon as you are, they immediately have a problem with it. They try to make you feel wrong because you are right. The truth really does hurt and for those of us who keep it real; we find that we hurt people just by simply being truthful.

Keeping it real is a must, but it may also keep you from having real people in your life.
Be authentic. There is only one you. Be glad. I know I am. Peace

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Why Things Are So Much More Clearer

I know aging plays a great deal in how clear my thinking has become. time and unforeseen circumstances has taught me well. Knowing that I will most likely never be a wife to my husband again was hard getting used to. Now that I have accepted the truth about who we are to each other and why we are where we are now, I am thrilled about the beauty of it all.

Yes, it is a beautiful thing when any person accepts the truth about their lives. Completely devastated when it first happened, our separation has know become a blessing. I fought so hard to try to help my husband understand the importance of having a spiritual life. It was not my job. Just like I did, it is up to him to develop his own personal relationship with God.

He chose not to lean on God during this time he is in the valley. He spent so many years "doing his thang." He ate what he wanted, smoked what he wanted, drank what he wanted and as much as he wanted. Now, that he has to pay the piper, I have become the enemy. He focused all of his anger and hatred towards me. Somehow, the very person who thought she was saving his soul, was helping to steer his soul towards self-sabotage. He wouldn't have it any other way.

Things are so much more clearer simply because I have let go and let God.

I Really Mean It

I really do mean it when I say I am glad my husband lived to see another birthday. I did not get to talk to him and I did not buy him anything. I did think of asking the kids did they want to get him something, but I decided not to. I am really out of it. I am done with helping him out and making sure he is taken care of.

I have the same feelings for him as I always have. I want the best for him, but I do not have to be the one who is there to facilitate that the best happens. He was unable to accept what I had to offer him. No matter the circumstances, I gave my best and I know, believe and accept this. There are no regrets.

I really mean it when I say I truly hope my husband is able to find happiness and understanding in his life. He gave me what I needed to evaluate the quality of my life. His actions helped motivate me towards the greatness I always knew was there. His inability to love me opened my eyes to the reality that every heart does not beat for love. Not everyone is able to allow themselves to be used by our Creator to edify others.

I really mean it when I say I will not stay with anyone husband, child, friend, parent, who does not edify me. I was born to win, losers need not apply.

Monday, November 28, 2011

So Glad I Don't Have to Know Everything

I have no idea where my life is headed, but I am okay with it. God has shown me consistently I am covered by grace. I have completed most of the goals I have set for myself. I feel there is so much more I need to do while on this earth.

I do plan to become an insurance agent, but I feel there is something more. I am so glad I don't have to know everything to move forward. I believe I will be guided correctly if I respond correctly. Even when we make choices we feel are best for us, there is still work to do.

So many of us feel like we have to know everything about what is expected of us before we will commit to doing what is required. Part of living is discovering. Life is an adventure. I moving forward without all the answers and I am grateful to be to do it.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Lazy Days

I can remember when I was a human doing. I could barely sit down. My husband would constantly try to get me to relax. I was on a mission to nowhere, fast.

Lazy days came into my life when I became a human being. Peace

Friday, November 25, 2011

Gluttony All Gone

I feel pretty secure when I say I am no longer in danger of overeating. I have not gained weight in over seven years and it truly has been the Spirit of God that has changed my ways. Learning to love myself was the key.

As long as I harbored any ill will towards myself, I was unable to successfully combat gluttony. Once I surrendered to God's will and accepted my worthiness, my life changed. Today, I am more than a conqueror. I have learned to deny my flesh and have been rewarded by not overindulging in food.

Gluttony all gone!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

How To Take Control of Your Life

"We are not able to use our emotions to guide us in making the necessary and important choices in our life." Robin Norwood Women Who Love Too Much.

Recognizing that most of my problems stemmed from my inability to regulate and control my emotions has been the best thing I've done for myself as a wife, mother, friend, employee, but most of all a woman.

Most women are not in tune with what they are really in tune with. This is why so many of us seem hysterical and out of control. We go with feelings, that had we took a second to filter, we would not go there. Yet, time and time again we fail to recognize the power our feelings and emotions have over our ability to make proper choices.

One of the biggest problems is people tend to believe that what they feel and believe is real. They don't pay attention to how often they change their minds, or how their feelings change rapidly. So many folk believe it is okay to live the disjointed lives that develop from a lack of self-control.

To take control of you life, you must monitor your feelings and emotions, learn to pick your battles, and provide yourself with the proper self-care when needed. Our lives are out of control because we are out of control. Not because someone else is doing or not doing something. It is your life, therefore, your responsibility to monitor and maintain it.

You become in control when you accept full responsibility for how you feel at any given moment. You are in control when you stop blaming others for your shortcomings and disappointments. Take control of your life, by taking control of you.

Living in God's Will

It has become old hat, living within God's will and because of it, each day I am more and more blessed. I have completely let go of my husband and he is doing just fine without me. He needed help, but not necessarily from me. He was unable to appreciate what I did for him, maybe he will be more grateful for his home nurse.

It is still sort of hard for me to believe that he could not accept the love and caring I was willing to continue to provide for him. Yet, I fully understand why. He is a lost soul crashing his way through life without a clue. His selfishness and inability to empathize with others allows him to be dismissive and cruel. He is alone and should be happy. He did all he could to push his family away.

Living in God's will has freed me completely from all the pain and strife I experienced while trying to do the right thing with the wrong man. I accept my role in the loss of my marriage. I gave too much, too long and for the wrong reasons. I was trying desperately to get something from a man who tried and succeeded in not giving it.

When we first met, he told me, "If a bitch thinks I'll fall in love with her she's crazy. I don't love no woman but my momma."

I clearly remember the surge of anger that when through me when he made that proclamation. I responded. "Well, you are in the wrong house, because I am love."

What I should have said is , "You need to leave now because I'll spend 26 years trying to make you love me."

That is what happened. I spent a helluva lot of time not receiving what I needed. Now, I know God wants me to have something real and I have woken up just in time. I have at least another 30 years to be loved by someone who is capable of doing it. I will wait because I am living within God's will.

Why You Are Worth It

One of the greatest things to ever happen to me was to learn how important I am, just because I am. For many years I felt unworthy of love, attention and affection because I was shunned in my own home as a child.

As I grew into womanhood, I became promiscuous because I was seeking intimacy. By the time I was in my early twenties, I was fed up with the empty sex syndrome. I began to seek something deeper, something real and lasting. I had so many hangups, looking back it is a wonder I survived. I survived because deep down I harbored a self-love and respect that would later launch me into womanhood with a fervor I could only imagine.

Once I accepted my worthiness, I was well on my way to being able to live the life I truly desired. You are worth the effort it takes to learn what your needs are and what is in your best interest. No matter your circumstances you can become the person who is strong, capable and aware of what they need to live a quality life. You are worth it because you are you. There is nothing you have to do to become worthy. The fact you are alive is testament to your worthiness of any and all things life has to offer.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Why I Survived Hell

In many ways, my marriage was hell. I did what so many women do and married my mother, father and child molester. My husband was a great candidate to continue to not give me what I needed most, to be loved.

My parents had some serious issues. They both were keeper's of secrets and deniers of their reality. Even though their intent was to create a home life. They created hell instead. Because they married due to my mother being pregnant with me, I was born into a situation that called for me to be treated badly because I reminded them both of the bad decision they made to have unprotected sex.

I survived the hell of my childhood upbringing, and later a 26 year crazy marriage because I never lost my personal integrity. "Women who love too much have little regard for their personal integrity in a love relationship," according to Robin Norwood, author of the 1986 groundbreaking book, "Women Who Love Too Much."

This book deals with the very true reality that many women who come from dysfunctional homes tend to seek out the same abuse within their love relationships. Even though I entered into my marital relationship seeking the love I did not receive as a child, as I matured, I was able to heal myself because unlike many other women, I held tight to my personal integrity.

My husband would tell me often he was proud of how I never give up on my convictions, beliefs, morals and values. After being together for 20 years, he congratulated me for the fact that I never backed down. I did not (not even under the tremendous pressure he put me under), change or alter what I believed in to try to keep or please him. As a matter of fact, if he got too out of hand, I'd put him out, rather than give an inch when it came to my person integrity.

I survived hell because I stood up to the devil, instead of giving in to the many ways he tried to lure me. My marriage taught me I am strong and capable of great love, especially self-love. I survived hell, because I kept Heaven on my mind.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

When You Grow Up

I have grown so much until it frightens me sometimes. The fear is based on the fact that I could have ever not believed in myself. I fear it could happen again. How could I have spent so many years caring about what other people think? How could I give so thought to killing myself, overeating, being the victim?

I could do those things because I was immature. I was a child. After living for half a century, so many things have come full circle. I remember crying when my hair fell out when I was 12. I took to wearing wigs. My family started calling me bald headed. Now, I shave my head almost completely and love it. Back then I cried almost everyday.

When I was in college, a magazine came out called BBW (Big, Beautiful Woman). On the cover of the first issue was a girl laying down with a sweater on and leggins. I remember thinking how fat I was and how I would never wear leggings. Back then, I was solid muscle, didn't have no fat hanging nowhere. Now, I have fat hanging and will put on a pair of leggins in a minute.

When you grow up, you are freed from so many of the ridiculous thoughts and fears you once harbored closely. When you grow up, you recognize fear is just another way to keep yourself from living your life. When you grow up, you open your mind to possibilities, you allow yourself to make mistakes.

It is fun to be an adult. I love being a grown up. I am good at it.

My Relationship With God

Back in 2003, God asked me to allow myself to remain in a humiliating marriage. It was right after my husband had done one of the most horrible things that involved my son. I was heartbroken. It wasn't long after that I became aware he was having an affair.

When I discovered the affair, my husband said, "So, I guess you are going to divorce me?" i immediately thought to myself, 'Yes,' but my mouth said no. My God voice told me to say no. God put it on my heart to stay in the marriage and make an effort to reconcile with my husband. I couldn't believe it. I was literally upset, but I could not say no because I believed with all my heart and soul it was God who was guiding my towards rejuvenating my marriage.

I have been blessed to have been aware of God as young as ten years old. I distinctly remember feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit. I recall feeling light in spirit and truly wishing others well. I have always been the "big picture" type person. I have been blessed to know that there is something greater than me.

My relationship with God has been what has kept in line most of my life. I ignored the Holy Spirit when it came to food. Even though I knew better, I'd eat too much. I was steeped in the sin of gluttony.

The significant thing that has most come out of my listening to God that day I wanted to leave my husband was I began to crave food less. More and more as I was obedient, my desire for certain foods went away. I began working with a personal trainer and the weight began to fall off. Seven years later, I have not gained any weight. As a matter of fact, my entire perception of food have changed. My eating habits have changed tremendously and my body is responding greatly.

I know, had not I had the a relationship with God, and was not obedient, I would not have received this great blessing.

Friday, November 18, 2011


Even though I am powerfully happy about the separation, I still miss loving my husband. As I watch my kids walk through the house talking to him, I so desperately want to say hello, but I do not because it is done for us. No extension of kindness will make him be the man he should be.

I have learned that all you can do is your part. As the song states, "I can't make you love me if you don't. I can't make your heart feel something it won't."

Still, I love him purely and wish him. But I am moving on and it feels great!

Turning 50

I rarely make a big deal about a birthday, but I be damn if I am not proud of who I am at almost 50 years old. I am astonished that I made it this long. As a kid, I just knew the world would get me. I just knew my emotional state was not stable enough to carry me into middle age. I was way wrong.

I am strong, capable, accomplished, loved, learned how to love, able to make money, able to think clearly, not afraid to live my life. I feel electric.

Even though my body is doing what it is supposed to, decay, I still feel vibrant and am ready to start an entire new career. Life is good and my attitude about life just makes it better.

Turning 50 is the bomb!

Short Story

Short Story

There was a story about four people
named Everybody, Somebody,
Anybody and Nobody

There was an important job to be done
and Everybody was sure that
Somebody would do it. Anybody could
have done it, but Nobody did it.

Now, when Somebody got angry about
that because it was Everybody's job,
Everybody thought Anybody could do
it, but Nobody realized that
Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed
Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

We have got to wake up people. You can't just sit around and allow children to be hurt. People are witnessing incest, rape, negligence and straight up violence against children each and everyday and not say a word.

This Penn State thing is about all of us. Would you tell if you saw a child being molested? Think about it.

The More You Know

The more I know about myself, the better I am to make the choices that are in my best interest. It really does take time to figure out what you really want, especially in relationships. Many of us have been infiltrated with so many crazy ideas and assumptions about marriage and relationships until we are barely able to be lived with by the time we find one.

We come into the relationship with insurmountable expectations. Often expecting to get rather than give. Part of the problem our relationships don't work is that we really think the other person is supposed to meet all our needs. I tell you the more you know about your own needs and the more you are willing to meet your own needs, the better.

God did not intend for anyone to be able to read our minds. He expected us to use our minds, and hearts plus the knowledge we possess of ourselves to meet many of our own needs. No one has to give you anything. If you are lucky enough to find someone willing to be everything you want, you'll soon feel unlucky, when you change your mind, but they can't change how they see you.

When you get into a relationship, do all you can to ask questions that will reveal to you the other person. Allow that person to get to know you. The more you know about you, the more you can share with someone who is willing to share their lives with you. It truly is give and take. You will be happier the more you know.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Breaking the Cycle

My oldest daughter is getting a rare opportunity to be around three generations of females in our family. Once totally against taking care of me when I get old, my daughter called me after spending one week with my mother and said, "Mom, I am going to take care of you when you get older. You deserve it. After spending time with your mother I see what you survived. I am proud of you.

I felt so good to hear her say that because I knew she knew I had to work hard not to be like my mother and grandmother. My daughter is getting first hand knowledge of the neurosis I lived with until I left home at 18.

I am proud of the fact I was able to break the cycle of ignorance and abuse that is so prevalent in my family. She says she and her grandmother have been getting into mini-arguments everyday. My mother loves that. She loves to argue, but she has found she is no match for my daughter. My daughter said she has had my mom laughing until she cried. She's making a difference, because she is different.

I raised her right and she is a glowing example of how a kid can turn out when the generation cycle is broken within a family. She'll be a better mother for it and so will her children be better parents. Breaking the cycle is necessary for a good life.

Monday, November 14, 2011

To Be No One But Myself

I have held fast to the belief that I get a chance to be me just as everyone else. My mother would tell me, "Wanda, I put my feelings in my nightstand drawer every morning I wake up."

She didn't have to brag. It was obvious by her coldness and aloof attitude that she was not in touch with her feelings. Even as a young girl, I knew she sounded crazy to want to disconnect from her feelings. Not unlike so many other women, she was not in control of her emotions, so she tried to hide them.

I refuse to hide the richest part of who I am. My feelings and emotions, although easily changeable, are a great part of who I am and deserve my attention and care just as any other part of me.

To be no one but myself, has always been my desire. I can tell you truly, at almost 50, I got it now. I am me and I don't give a damn who doesn't like it. Peace

Why I am Feeling Great

I am have been under 250 pounds for a few months now. My loose clothes are telling the story of self-control and moderation. I am amazed at how I have been able to literally not put food in my mouth when I am not hungry.

I no longer run to chips and chicken to soothe what ails me. I no longer feel I have to eat to celebrate my accomplishments. I have been saved.

I am feeling great because I have conquered my flesh. I am no longer a glutton and I know God is pleased. I am doing all I can to live a moderate life. Moderation in all things is my new slogan and it feels great.

My emotions are in check. My health is on point and I feel great.

My Future

I do know I plan to start a new career selling supplemental insurance. I also plan to go back to school and become a Marriage and Family Therapist.

That takes care of my working life, but I am concerned about my love life. 50 years old is not a good age to be looking for love, but what else can I do?

God has put it on my heart that is time for me to let go of the past and move forward. I know he knows I cannot do it without love.

I don't care what you say I won't stay in a world without love.

My Girls

My girls have been the most difficult to raise. I can clearly say that since my son, now 20, is out of the raising queue.

My youngest is morbidly obese and finding high school a challenge. The walking is wearing her out and she is consistently trying to find reasons not to go to school. I know it is hard for her, but there is no other option. Should she not go to school, she wouldn't be going anywhere.

I stay on top of her and now that it is basically just me and her in the house, things have to get done and she is going to have to do them. Not going to school is not an option. She will be 16 years old next year and can drop out if she wants. God's knows that would kill me, but it is a real possibility.

I am afraid for her because she is completely addicted to food and is not as concerned about her weight as she should be.

My oldest dropped out at 16. She never like to go to school and as soon as she could stopped going. My youngest likes school, she just doesn't like moving. God help me!

Can You Love Anyone?

I do believe you can love anyone if you are willing. Yes, there are people who are more suited for you than others, but that does not mean you cannot love someone because the stars are not aligned.

Love is open to interpretation. We all perceive love differently for different reasons. I have never truly been loved. My husband had all kinds of conditions when it came to loving me. I had to be in a certain mood. He had to feel a certain way. He really believed he could love me one day and hate me the next. He had no idea about what love really is.

He and I were not compatible in many ways, but we bonded deeply on many levels. We learned to allow each other to be themselves. I was able to do this more than he becausehe had not forgiven me for the wrong I did to him. He is still carrying it to this day and it is sad. His holding on to the past is what allows him to keep himself from accepting that others have changed.

I do believe you can love anyone. You have to really want to and to be ready to receive when the love comes back.

No Way

I always knew when I made up my mind it was over between my husband and I that it would really be over and there would be no looking back. This is why I stayed until I couldn't stand anymore.

God guided me through the entire 26 years. We were never what others would consider compatible, it truly was a spiritual thing. God had something power He wanted to do in my life and I do believe no other person could have brought me to this place, as my estranged husband did.

He challenged everything I thought I knew about myself. He helped me grow into the woman I am today, but most importantly, he helped me learn how to love unconditionally, because that is the only way anyone could ever love him. He has to be the most difficult person to love I have ever met.

There is no way I would ever go back to him. As long as he is alive, I will respect him as the father of my children, but I will never be a wife or lover to him again. He does not get to feel my warmth and loving ways, ever again. He gave it all up for a fit of anger and irrational behavior. 26 years gone, because still, at 50 years old he has no self-control.

That is not my problem. I need to be with someone who is receptive to love and not afraid of it.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Why It Keeps Getting Easier

My soul was in unrest for days last week. I cried and cried and cried. I analyzed my situation and determined I was finally mourning the loss of the marital relationship. Simply put, I missed the man I am married to.

Even though that was the case, I still feel I am right not to subject myself to his triads and disrespect. He is in denial still about his situation. When they found that blood is leaking from his brain, he began to try to rationalize why he is sick. Even though he knows he has never taken his health seriously. He truly thought he was invincible. Now he knows.

It keeps getting easier because I truly am handing all my worries and troubles over to God. I no longer have the desire to try to think about what is best for anyone except myself. I am praying my husband will come out of his surgery today better and ready to accept more responsibility for his actions and life.

Life gets easier when you let go and let God. Peace

Thursday, November 3, 2011

What's Forever For?

Forever is for hope and that is about it. Nothing last forever, especially not people. My relationship with my husband will be forever. His health is not going to let him last much longer, so unless there is a true miracle, he will be married to me forever, but he won't be around to enjoy it.

We need to focus on now and leave forever to itself. I am so glad I participated in my marriage. I am grateful to God that I gave my all and was completely committed. Now that things seem to be coming to an end, I can only be grateful for the time I had with him and know that God has been in control all the time. Things are how they should be.

Forever is the same as never. Neither one of them can ever be true. We don't live to see forever. All we can do is hope for a long time. I got to have the man I wanted for a very long time, a quarter of my life spent on this earth. That means a lot to me. I will always love him and wish him these best whether here are on the other side. Forever is another word for hope.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Why I Have No Regrets

My husband has had what they are calling a "seizure." He is currently out of town in a hospital. The best thing about it is he has family where he is and hopefully feels supported.

I am not going to his side. I have no regrets about his decision. I gave all I had to give and I refuse to allow myself to be abused by him in any way, at any time, for any reason. His sister said he was being, "defiant," so I know what that means, he is being mean and irrational. I have been there done that.

I no longer want to stand up to the devil. I've done it too long. The battle was never mine and now that I have completely released my husband to God's will, I feel no need to watch him die. That's just not my thing. I had to put a stop to the madness or he was going to destroy me. He could not forgive me as I had forgiven him. You can't live with a person who is unforgiving. Nothing you do is never enough.

I do not regret not going to his side. I called the chaplain and asked them to tell him I loved him and I wish him well and that I would send the kids if he wanted me to, but I am not coming. I will not allow this man to ever hurt me in any way again, ever. Plain and simple.

The Ever Changing Role of Life

Life is fluid. Whether our minds change or not, we do. Until we accept we are not meant to stay stagnated, that we are born to grow and win at life; we will never find the serenity and peace that is awaiting our acceptance.

I accept the ever changing role of life.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


I am finding that I don't want to live with another man. Yes, I desire to be apart of someones life, but not as his wife, or even his steady girl. I want complete freedom and movement. I don't have anything I want to do in particular and that is the beauty of it. I am looking forward to a life with no demands from those who claim to love me.

People/men drain you. Woman have given so much, for so many different reasons, until many men just expect to taken care of. I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to be.

I really don't see myself getting too involved with anyone else. My marriage and relationship with my husband was pretty intense. I gave a lot. I don't mind the fact, I just don't want to give anymore. I just want to be.

Men! You can't live with them and you can't shoot em' when you're done with them.

A Pillow Full of Tears

I can't believe how much I have cried over the loss of my relationship with my husband over the past four days. Every show I watched, somehow confirmed I am doing the right thing in various ways. The Creator is working on me. It is time for me to walk away and move forward into what has been promised.

I used to tell my husband all the time, "I am gonna get mine."

He always thought I meant something else, but what I meant by "mine" is the promises God has made. I am going to get mine. I have given up my life of sin, he held on to his.

My pillow will be full of tears or maybe it won't be. I feel confident they will soon dry up and along with them the lingering desire to be with a man who clearly will never respect me, because he has no respect for himself.

A Year of Goodbyes

This year has took with it some very important people in my life. My husband and I parted and very well may never speak to each other again. My oldest daughter moved away and probably won't be back, except to visit. Then yesterday, our dog had to be put to sleep.

2011 has taught me to truly let go. My separation from my husband came as a shock. We were fine until the incident occurred. After it happened, it just didn't seem right to stay with him. Especially since he refuses to even try to be a better person. 26 years of sharing and giving is enough. It is time for me to find someone who appreciates me before I die.

I am also saying goodbye to gluttony. I have stopped overeating. I am so amazed at myself until I sit in disbelief sometimes. I can't even try to overeat anymore. My stomach has shrank so much. I prayed and worked hard to be able to leave my sinful ways behind. Thank God for the help and for me being willing to accept it.

I miss my husband terribly, but I know our being separate is for the best. Just because I want him doesn't mean I should have him. I got that now.

My daughter, it has been a long time coming her moving on to live her life. I wish her well and I hope she doesn't come back.

The dog? I have mixed emotions. She was old and could be a pain at times. I'm not really an animal person, but I will miss her presence.

Goodbye, good luck and God bless.