Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Thrill is Gone

Even though I am a martyr for marriage, I have given up on my own in many ways. Things that would have made a difference 10 years ago, just doesn't seem as important, or just really doesn't matter to me anymore.

I have come to accept there are certain things my husband just will never get and thus much of the thrill of being in a relationship is gone for me. I no longer try to get him to talk to me. I no longer feel going to a counselor will matter. I just don't want to work anymore.

He can tell and now he's making efforts he never made before. I hate when I have to tell him it doesn't matter to me anymore what he does or does not get or do. I am over it. I am ready to have a better life.

It would have been nice to have had a better marriage, but I didn't. It is as good as it is going to get and that is a lot better than I thought it would be. I'll take what I have and do the best with it.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Mean Spirit

There is a mean spirit in my household. My husband is unable to be kind when he is experiencing a bad day. He snaps, accuses, yells, and is generally grumpy.

It's getting old.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Right on Time

I have found that school I want to do my graduate work at. The University of Pennsylvania has a Postitive Psychology Center. I had told a friend I had been hesitating going back to school because I was not happy with the traditional psychology model. Too much is focused on limitations, and problems. I wanted to find something that would allow me to use my skills in regards to changing ones perspective.

I really feel like it should be called Perspective Psychology, because changing your perspective on life is the only way to change the things that seem to get to you. they we look at situations, circumstances, and conditions usually keep us from being able to properly deal with them.

I know it was only when I changed they way I looked at life, that my life changed. I have to get things in order. I want to attend next fall.

The Sad Truth

I had an elderly friend who was a psychologist. When she met my husband, and talked with him, she came to me and told me I needed to leave him because he would never have the capacity to give me what I needed emotionally. She felt he was beyond help.

I took offense to her observation based on my belief that anyone could change and could be helped. Back then I still believed loved conquered all. I did not factor in the persons unwillingness to do what is in their best interest.

That was back in 1993 and although he has changed in many ways, he is still unable to meet my emotional needs and I have come to respect her ability as a practitioner. The most change has come within the last few months. He has shown a higher level of awareness and responsibility. He has not blown his money in over six months. All this is a good thing, but he is still unwilling to deal with his emotional life. Instead, he seeks out others who demand less of him.

I am a self-soothing type of person. In many ways, our being together is just another way God has positioned me to utilize my strengths. Although I know I could be getting more from some other man, there is a great part of me that feels he is the one for me on s many levels. I have had to grow in many directions. I have had to learn to be compassionate. I had to learn to keep my mouth shut. I have learned to pay attention when others are talking. I have found out how much I can take and that is a lot.

I have also accepted the sad truth that you really cannot expect another person to be on your level, whatever that may be. He will never be to me what I need. His attitude surrounding his health is not going to allow him to be any good to anyone. The sad truth is he has given up.

I am angry he won't take his medicine and allow himself to live a better quality of life. He lacks disciplined motivation and has all his life. The only thing he has done consistently is hang on to me. That has been a tragedy for him because he has done it only because his rational mind tells him he would be foolish to let me, even though it is obvious he wants to be somewhere else.

I am an excellent wife. It is on purpose that I am so. I took on the responsibility and I am going to do my duty. But the sad truth is my relationship will probably never be much better than it is presently.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

If It Don't Fit

When I was a kid in the early 70's, there was a song by Kellee Patterson called, If It Don't Fit,
the chorus said:

If it don't fit, don't force it
just relax and let it go
just cause that's how you want it
doesn't mean it will be so

Even though I believe I am in a God ordained marriage, I still am faced with the many ways the marriage does not fit me. There are a lot of things I want out of my marriage that I will never get. Having to accept that has been hard over the years, but lately I have come to terms with the reality that my marriage is so much more about the future than anything else.

My husband and I, as jacked up as we are, have been able to rear two marvelous children. We've managed to remain cordial and for the most part respectful of each other, even though we both know, we probably could have lived just as well are better with another partner. What amazes us is that we have been able to stay together no matter what has come against us.

I have a clear understanding of what is causing him to have the heart attacks and it is his blood pressure and the fact he does not take his medicine. As I sat there and listened to the doctors, I realized how much control he really does have and that he is unwilling to do what can keep him alive and healthy. This has made me want to leave him.

He is a quitter and quitters never when. I am winner. All day long, I ain't gon lie. I would never give up on me. But I may have to give up on him. He has begun his usual pattern of blaming me, being mean, and disregarding my feelings. He does this when he thinks he should take center stage, but like I've told him before, he created this mess. Had he listened to me at any other the times I've tried to get him to take care of himself, we would not be here.

I will sit back and watch to see if he will begin taking his medicine. I really don't think he will. I truly think he will continue to do what he hasn't been doing that has gotten him to this place.

Non-Resistance, this is the way. I will not resist his desire to kill himself. My running his life does not fit into the lifestyle I choose to lead. I will not force my way onto him. I will let live his, or not live, his life.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

He Fully Understands

My husband was having a heart attack and he did. He is still in intensive care and is very weak. I had to go and take care of him right after work. I have grown into a deep detachment from the whole thing. I fully understand that he fully understands he is going through this pain because he is not taking care of himself.

He fully understands his kidneys are only working at 24%. He has been lucky, they have not gotten any worse since last May. He is more than lucky to have me. I truly am his soul mate, otherwise, I do not think I could do it.

I can't believe this is where we are at this time in our lives. I just don't know, so I continue to be strong and carry on. That's what I do best.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Chronically Ill

My husband went to the hospital today. He is currently in Intensive Care and has had two minor surgeries.

He has spent an entire month trying to go to the hospital. It has been torture for my family and I. The constant vomiting is enough to drive anyone crazy. Yet, he continues to suffer as if he really believes he can wish the ailments away.

Yesterday was very stressful. The plumber was there repairing a pretty bad leak and informed me I needed to pipes which will cost $3400.

There were four firemen and three EMT's in my living room. My husband was vomiting, while each person was vying for my attention. I think that is the closest I've been to losing it in a long time. I was so glad to see them all go.

I went to bed, but was unable to sleep. To see the relief on his face when they gave him oxygen only confirmed by belief that going to the hospital was going to be his only salvation. I was able to talk to him briefly and even though he's not, he sounded a lot better.

For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to death do us part.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Being Honest

I have only recently began to feel the anxiety I think many others always feel when it comes to being honest. I can see why some would let the feeling keep them from sharing the truth. I cannot do this. The anxiety is an indication it needs to be said, not withheld.

My husband has found himself in a pretty bad situation. I have had to be honest with him and let him know I no longer desire to be strong, or to hold on. will be 50 soon and I do not plan to live the rest of my life as I have up until now.

He has to be honest with himself and make a decision as to how he is going to live his life. I know how I want to live mine and I will do just that, live my life. To be honest, I am really interested in seeing how he is going to deal with what I am putting down.

What God Has for You

What God has for is just that, for you. I do no worry. I have lived long enough to see how it keeps you from your blessings.

I signed up for an event without knowing what it was really about. It said it was free to vendors, so especially since I was invited, I went. It turned out to be about a major as it gets in Louisville.

The mayor and every news outlet was there. There was keynote speakers, etc. People often ask me who I got to where I am. There is no magic to it. You have to have disciplined motivation.

On Top Of It

I am on top of the school thing. I've found a few places I can go one day a week. One place is really reasonable, but their hours of operation are in conflict with my sleep time. I have worked almost two years on this schedule which I am sure contributes to the balance I have achieved thus far.

Going to this school would completely shake up my routine which is not necessary if I chose another school that cost more, is closer to home, and has classes on the days I am off work.

Then there is always to desire to return to Spalding University, especially since my daughter has been accepted. I really think it would be cool to be there when she is for some reason. I know she wouldn't like it.

I most definitely won't go to U of L. I don't like the campus atmosphere,nor its layout.

I am unwilling to drive a certain distance, so the other state schools are out of the question.

Figuring it out.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I Wouldn't Change A Thing

More and more I am grateful for the life I have. Over and over I tell myself how blessed I am to have found self-love. I remember when I was depressed in my 20's. The self-hate poured off me. It is no wonder people treated me so badly. They knew I didn't care about myself. So why should they.

It is a different world when you love you. Folk have second thoughts about trying to take advantage when they know you now who you are. I most definitely know who I am and I am so grateful I gave up the idea I was unworthy. I stopped believing I didn't deserve, or wouldn't have. I accepted I have just as much right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Now, when things get tough I don't blink. I know I will survive it and I just go with flow when that is what is required. I wouldn't change a thing about my life.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Taking Care of Myself

Thank God for getting older and wiser. I do feel wise in many ways. The most important is that I have learned I am truly no good to anyone if I do not take care of myself. Little else matters if I am not feeling my best, doing my best, or striving for my best.

It is time for me to take a hiatus. It is time for me to move forward and beyond the day-to-day. I need a break from it all and I am going to give that to myself. I deserve the best life possible and no one is going to give me permission to have it. No one is going to tell me they don't want me to do something for them, so I can do for myself. My kids aren't going to step more, my husband is never going to appreciate the woman he has in me and the folk I work for only wants to make sure I punch in every night.

I care about me. I care that I feel empty sometimes. Like all I do is for nothing. It is because it's not for me. So just like everyone else, if it ain't about me, it ain't about nothing. That is my new motto. I am going to take care of me.

So, that means I won't be around for awhile. I won't be available to "help you out." I am first from this day to the next until I die. I am taking care of myself.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Can't Win

Even when you try to do the right thing when it come to parenting, you can still lose. It is an amazing paradox. Because we are all individuals, you just never know how your kids are going to turn out.

I did all I could to treat my kids like individuals and allow them to have their say and be real people. No one would have ever told me I would be harassed by my own children for trying to keep our family together. They really think I should get rid of my husband because they don't like him. I don't like him either, but I do love him completely and unconditionally. He is truly the love of my life in many ways.

Parents suffer greatly for over whether are not they are good parents. We want to do the best for our children, but we deserve to have a life too. My kids live in a totally different world than I did. Kids have more protection, know more and have greater expectations from their parents.None of this gives them the right to try to change history. So many try to void out their realities and so much around them tells them this is possible.

What I want my kids to know is I have done the a great favor. So many kids today grow up not knowing who their father is, what he is/or is not about. My kids know these things. It is unfortunate they are disappointed in the man he is.

I know I can't win so I will continue on the path I have been on for the past few years. The only true time a parent wins is if their kids leave home and never have to come back. Then, and only then can they live their lives in peace.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

No Doubt in My Mind

I am feeling very disconnected from my family as a whole. I know this year is really going to be about me. A huge transformation has already happened on the inside and now it is time for it to show on the outside.

I love hard and for real. The people in my life are at the top of my list, always. My family gets the best of me. Most everything I do is for them. I would live a different way if I didn't have children.

My family is taking me for granted. They do not appreciate me in the right way, at all. I guess I have been too good to them. I am of the belief that if you love someone, you can't be too good to them. I'm being proven wrong.

I refuse to explain myself when it comes to the man I choose to love. I am no different than anyone and I get to have the life I choose. It is unfortunate my husband has not been a better husband and father. I can truly say he has done very well all things considered. He was never taught how to be a part of the family. I have to remind him of the things he told me when we first dating about what kind of father he wanted to be. I do think that is what we are supposed to do for those we are married to.

I continue to have no doubt in my mind that I am living the life God wants me to. I am more happy and comfortable than I have ever been in my life. I love myself and others. I love my job and my business. I am doing what I need to do for me.

She Will See

My oldest is thinking of getting married. She will find out how hard it is. She will see that you never really know people. She will see that she cannot control another. She will find that no matter how much you want something, if the other person doesn't, it won't be.

Once she has children, she will be faced with the reality that her husband is not perfect, nor is she. She will experience all the challenges that any parent goes through trying to raise children. She will see, it is not easy.

I encourage her to open her eyes and be ready for the evitable. Life is hard and wishing it wasn't will not help. I will get to see how she deals with what is waiting for her.

She will see.

Teaching Hate

My oldest daughter has never liked her step dad and she has poisoned my sons mind with her hate. A few months ago she came to me saying that she realized she was wrong. She said, "I hate I've done this. No one talked bad about my father to me."

And this is true. I never talked bad to/or around her about her father. I allowed her to find out on her own. Her hate for my husband fueled her desire to egg my sons confused anger.

What has happened is he has decided that I am stupid for staying married and that I have chosen my husband over my children. People ask me what did I say when he confronted me with this. I said nothing. There is nothing for me to say. It is all the same to me. My family is a unit. I do not choose one over the other. I choose to have them all. This is what I work for each and everyday.

I don't have to answer to anyone for my actions. I know I am right and that is all that matters. I know God is pleased and ultimately I will be blessed for being obedient and wise enough not to fall into the trap of caring about what others think, especially when they really don't know.

I am a peacemaker. Those who teach hate will never really live. Hate kills. Love heals.

Kids Just Don't Understand

I remember clearly as a teenager telling my mother she should divorce my father. To me, they argued a lot and didn't seem to like each other much. One day I actually went to both of them and asked them both to get a divorce. My mother was making the bed and told me, "I made my bed. I am going to lie in it."

My father was less philosophical. He point blank said, "That ain't what you want. Your life would change drastically. You won't have what you have now." I left it alone.

Now that I am a parent and have a rocky marriage, my children have done the same to me. Although my husband has given me more reason to divorce, I have decided that it is not an option for me. So I look like a fool to my kids, because they just don't understand and won't until they either become more enlightened, or have families of their own.

My son is upset because his dad is not the man he thought he was. He is so hurt by this until he feels I should feel the same. I am sure at some point in time I did feel a lot of anger once I realized my husband would probably never be the type of man "I" think I would have wanted or needed. I recognize that I don't always know what is best for me and even though I thought I wanted something different, the man God has put in my life, turned out to be perfect for me.

My kids will never know how much their father and I share and that is as it should be. It really is not any of their business, yet somehow they feel it is. They feel I should make a choice between them and him, when I choose my family. Kids just don't understand.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Damaged Soul

The work I do, working with emotionally challenged teen aged females, has afforded me the knowledge that sometimes the damage is done and there is no looking back.
This is the case with my husband. At 50 years old, he is just as lost and unstable as he was 10, 15, 20 years ago.

He has never sought the help needed to deal with the spiritual warfare he has been in for years. He has such a mean spirit and it shows itself at the wrong time all the time. He has low impulse control, and is unable to accept when he is wrong, especially when he is wrong. He immediately projects unto others, that which is clearly his and feels that he deserves grace, whether he is willing to give it or not.

Even though he is very sick, I do not bite my tongue with him. While he is alive he needs to try to be a better person. And yes, I do feel I am in his life to be mirror for some of his madness. I have no problem reflecting what he projects so he can see how ugly he can be at times.

I really think things have been going too well for him. He can't stand things going right. It never fails that he does something stupid to mess everything up. He is such a damaged soul.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I Know You

One of my spiritual gifts is the gift of knowledge. When people hear this they think I mean I can read your mind, but that is not the case. The gift of knowledge bestows me with the ability to understand your humanity on a very deep level. I am empathetic and compassion, forgiving and understanding.

I know the you that needs love, affection, appreciation and understanding. Being in tune with these things gives me an edge with most people. They immediately sense I am listening and I care. I don't need to know more than that to be able to say I know you. All the other stuff really doesn't matter in the end.

When it is all over, we'll measure how much we felt we were loved or some of us will think about who and how much we loved. Some of us will think about how much we gave to others, then there will be those who will think they should have allowed others to give them more.

The gift of knowledge allows me to allow you to be you and to give you the basics of human needs. I know you, because I know me.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


My son entered the kitchen with a strained look on his. I questioned the look and he said, "Pops, I was thinking about Pops."

I asked him had he prepared himself for the day he may die. He said he doesn't think he will cry. "I want to think I've cried my last tear over him."

I shared with him that I have cried whenever I felt like it when I think of him not being here because he is dead. I told my son not to be surprised if I didn't cry when it finally happened. "I don't want you to think something is strange, Sonny. That is why I am telling you now."

When I came home today, my husband actually mentioned going to the hospital, but he didn't go. He had been throwing up all night and the moment he woke up, he began again. What a way to go. He find some relief if only he would do what is right, but as I have learned over the past 25 years, he can't do right for being so wrong.

We love him and we do all we can to help. It is hard on us all, but I do think when the time comes there will be some relief.

Being a B. I. T. C. H.

I have no problem telling folk, I am a Bitch and to me that is a woman who is being in total control of herself. Folk hate that. People won't admit it, but they love a push over. Most people will take advantage of a person who does not have good boundaries.

I have learned over the years that my boundaries have been pretty tight for a while, especially since I have been an adult. I received a great compliment today. My co-worker told me, "You are really unique. You are a control freak, but unlike other control freaks who want to control themselves and everyone else. You are a control freak over yourself."

He went on to say how I was a very good listener. He told me that he has forgotten several times things he has told me and was surprised that I remembered two weeks later. "Most people just act like they are listening to you. You really listen."

I am that way because my mother never listened to me. When she did she made it seem as though what I was saying was stupid, in reality it was over her head. Her thinking is concrete, whereas I have always been an abstract thinker, even as a kid. So when I would come to her with certain concepts and ideas that she had never thought of, she would automatically try to make me feel stupid by calling me "stupid, ignorant, fool." Those where her names for me. It wouldn't have been so bad if she used them one at a time, but she would call me these names consecutively, every time she used them. It wrecked my self-esteem.

After 18 months of therapy back in 1989, I had to face some truths about myself that I didn't like much. I was having emotional problems, because I couldn't control other folks emotional problems. After therapy, I was able to stop worrying about what I could not change and take care of what I could.

I feel blessed to be open enough where people feel they can share themselves with me without feeling as though I am going to judge or ridicule. It is not my place. I do believe that it is part of my purpose her on earth to use my listening skills to give others a chance to be heard and maybe they to can take control of their lives and become the people they desire to be.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

What's Really Important

I know I may sound old fashioned, but I truly believe women should do most of the cooking in the family. I have two reasons for this belief. The really important one is they have more control over what they put into their mouths.

One of the main reasons women are so huge today is they do not know how to cook. They have no intimate experience with food. They are used to someone else preparing what they eat. They can say they are not accountable because they didn't cook it. In reality, we should have control over what goes into our mouths on a daily basis.

The other reason I believe women should cook is because it is an act of love. Just stopping by a drive-thru is not love. It is doing what is easiest and fastest, but it is almost the least healthy to live that way.

Call me old fashioned but I know cooking has helped me when I have decided to take control of my weight gain. By buying the food for and preparing my own meals, I have been able to take control of what I am ingesting.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Empathy-Part Five

I began watching this movie where the boyfriend and girlfriend were about to celebrate an event. The girlfriend gave the guy a gift and waited for him to hand her one. He told her he didn't get her a gift because she said she didn't want one. She became outraged and stomped to the door, turned around and said, "I told you I didn't want one because I wanted to be the girlfriend who didn't ask you for anything. Of course I wanted a gift."

This made me sick and I immediately stopped watching the movie. That whole scene is what is wrong with so many women. We really expect men to read our minds and it is so unfair to them, especially when they are more than or just as screwed up as we are when it comes to knowing how to be in a relationship.

It is like we forget that we have recognized how dense they can be. How they often just look over things that doesn't affect on their lives. How they can ignore most anything and act like they know nothing, even when they have a PhD. How do we forget that we know we are smarter than them in many ways? How is it that just because we love them, we think they will know what we want, when they can't order off a menu in a restaurant?

Please! Women need to get a grip, stop having so many unrealistic expectations and get our acts together. Then and only then will we realize that we have what we need. We must ask for what we want and be very specific. We have to be realistic and know that just as we can read no ones mind, no one can read ours. Give me a break! Help them out where you can and you will find you will get what you want.

The Other Side- Part Three

I had to work this morning at 4 a.m. I woke up around 9:40 and was hungry. I made some cornbread on the stove and at some Kale greens with Country Ribs. It was good.

My husband came into the kitchen and I told him we had a date next Thursday night. I told him not to ask where. He immediately became defense, because he is such a control freak and said, "How you gon tell me I can't ask where I am going?" I said, "Because it is a surprise."

"What is the surprise?" he said.

"What? I said it was a surprise. You are such a control freak you're trying to trick me into telling you what the surprise is."

We both erupted in laughter and fell into each others arms laughing until tears rolled out our eyes. It felt so natural, so real, so good. I have been searching for something real all my life and now I have it with the man I've been with since I was 24 years old. You cannot imagine how proud and vindicated I feel. No one who knows us believed we'd ever make it to the other side.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Silly Rabbit

Remember the Trix commercial where the rabbit would try to steal the Trix cereal from the kids. He's being all selfish and self-centered when he is caught read handed and told, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."

Well, a lot of married people need to be told, "Silly rabbit tricks are for kids." So many of us expect our mates to perform all kinds of "tricks" to earn our love. We bait them in, only to turn on them once we recognize they are they're own person. Unfortunately, the hope of romance causes a lot of us to expect certain "tricks" to be performed before we will give our so-called love to another.

Until we learn to respect each other for who we are, we will never have the kind of relationships we want. As long as we come to the table with our hands opened instead of extending in service, we will never know what it is like to truly give, or get unconditionally.

I never understood the desire many women have to be taken care of. Yes, society has tried to make us believe it should be this way, but women, especially black women have always worked and done more than required of them. But to expect someone to take care of your day-to-day needs, I still can't get it. Many women end up performing all kinds of tricks trying to keep what they are not willing to earn.

I even further do not understand men, who look to their women to be everything to them. The idea sounds better than the reality. In reality, no one wants to be dictated to, taken for granted, or led on, but this is what happens when people give too much power to others.

Stop expecting your mate to perform for you. If we approached each other as though we were going on an expedition, we'd learn so much and be appreciated much more. People love for others to take an interest in them. The way things are now, folk are only interested in sharing what they think will bring them the biggest return.

All I can say is, "Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids."

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


One of the great things about owning my publishing company is every once in a while I actually read a good book. Disciplined Motivation is one of them. Written by Davis Robinson, PHD, Disciplined Motivation is a book that begs you to not only rely on motivation to start projects, but to strenghthen your discipline to complete them.

We all know people who start projects, but cannot seem to finish them. This book addresses the issue in an insightful, easy to read manner. It makes suggestions as to how one can become more disciplined, but does not preach.

Even though I made the announcement last month that I planned to go back to school, this book has solidified my desire and need to do so. I am not completely working within my abilities and only going back and getting my masters in psychology will allow me to do that.

Disciplined Motivation will hit the shelves soon. I will keep you posted.

Really Changing

The other day I cooked breakfast and my husband ate an egg sandwich. He wanted more and got more bread. I encouraged him not to eat anymore bread. I could feel him getting tense, so I just let it go.

When he walked around me, I noticed he was not eating bread. I was so happy. I couldn't believe he really listened to me. I do believe he is beginning to really change. I do believe he is going to allow himself to live.

I gave him his favorite treat which has spawned something interesting; he is listening more. I think I have created a monster, but it is okay if it is going to keep him alive. I have gotten him to take his blood pressure medicine two nights in row. This is very exciting. My husband may really be changing.