Friday, December 28, 2012

Whose Fooling Who?

"The white American has created a blindness for himself which has a peculiar effect on blacks. In psycho therapeutic sessions Negroes are preoccupied with determining just how many of their difficulties are a consequence of the prejudice of whites. And while there is sometimes the tendency-a determination not to see. They may insist that white oppression has never exerted any influence on their lives, even in the face of such realities as police brutality, job and housing discrimination, and a denial of educational opportunities. It is a powerful rational trait, this willful blindness to the abuse of black in America. It is a blindness that includes the victim as well as the crime."

White people go out of their way to tell you they don't see color. I challenge any one of them to say it to me because they will most definitely have to explain how that can be. We are where we are because of the color of skin black folk have. To they don't see color is a lie and we all know it.

What does it benefit a black man to deny racial prejudice has not affected him? If nothing else from the standpoint that he can make the assertion, he has been affected. Somewhere he got the notion that he is exempt from what all other black folk have to experience. The most famous idiot that comes to mind is Supreme Justice Clarence Thomas. Enough said.

These black folk have done all they can to identify with white folk cause they really think white is right. They think by spending time with them that they somehow are different, when in most cases they are allowed to be were they are. We all know if the white man wants to take you down he can. Everything is in his favor.

Identifying with the oppressor is nothing new, it is just old. It is such a waste of time because they will never love us. As long as we continue to try to act like racism hasn't affected us, they have us right were they want us. We feel stupid when the less qualified white person gets a promotion we knew we should have. Instead of looking at it for what it is, we lie to ourselves that it was for some other reason or heap more self-hate onto ourselves.

I say we do our own thang. We should have our own banks, our own malls, apartment complexes, movies houses, schools, etc. Instead with fight to make them let us in, but once in we still arent' satisfied because we have to leave our blackness at the door. I don't know about you, but I love being black just as much as I love being alive. I identify with my culture first and foremost.

Until we embrace ourselves, we will forever float in this crazy limbo, never feeling apart of a nation we built.

What We Do Not Want To Believe

"The black man today is at one end of a psychological continuum which reaches back in time to his enslaved ancestors."

Many of us refuse to believe this. We actually think because we live in white neighborhoods, buy cars, eat where we want, and shop that we have truly overcome. If all you want are those things, then we have. But I submit we want much more.

We do not want to be followed in the stores we shop in, but we are and yes, it is just because we are black.
We do not want to have to wait longer than other patrons in restaurants, but we do, and yes, it is just because we are black.

We must understand that the only way whites could feel good about enslaving us was to believe we were not human, or subhuman in some way. This belief allowed them to kill man, woman, or child who refused to be a slave. Our manual labor was needed, nothing more. They did not care if we could read, write or even speak properly. As long as we could perform manual labor, that is all they wanted.

In our quest to rise above, many blacks felt like black folk should not learn trades such as plumbing, carpentry, farming. Instead of realizing we were used for economic reasons, we have negatively identified with those professions. The result has been frightening. We are a capable people and the least employed.

We were told to aspire to be doctors, lawyers, dentists and the like. All the while knowing that the odds were truly stacked against us. Now, we are desperate for any work and it is being sent overseas, or taken by others with foreign tongues.

We do not want to believe we harbor plantation mentalities. We want to think we are far away from that time, but I submit the memory of the downtrodden slave lives on today. You see it in our ghettos, the prison system and those who choose to be homeless rather than fight the system. We live like a broken people still. Yes, the threat is real, but so is the reality that we can stand up and use the rights so many fought and died for. Instead, we complain amongst each other.

Know your history or you are doomed to repeat it.

What I Do Know

The one thing I do know is:

"For if the black American is to be truly understood, his history must be made intelligible." Dr. Grier/Dr. Cobbs-Black Rage

I know from my own personal experience that until I dealt with some very suffocating issues from my past, I could barely breathe, let alone live. It was no different when I began to deal with the historical chains that bound my mind. From religion to lack of services, that black is consistently held back in the country that our ancestors built. There would be no America is it were not for the black man. Yes, others were enslaved, but none as long as our people were.

They wanted to live! Plain and simple. If you have ever questioned why they allowed themselves to be treated in the manner they were. It was because self-preservation kicked in and they decided they wanted life. None of us would be here if they had not.

What I do know is each of us is charged with the duty to educate our children about our history in this country. No black child she go throughout their life without this training. We cannot continue to fear the past, mourn the past, or use the past for present pity parties. We must acknowledge and discern what is usable and what is not. We must allow ourselves to feel whatever lingering pain there may be, then get up and do what is needed to turn our black nation around.

Black folk are way too sensitive. We don't want to hear the word nigger, as is it is not said, then it will not be thought. You cannot legislate the heart. What makes you a nigger is your black skin, or your economic status. Forget about what you heard. Look the word up. It does not mean a low-down dirty person as I was told when I grew up. I wish my mother knew the real meaning, then I wouldn't have wasted so much time rallying against the word.

We cannot change the meaning of words just because we don't like them. There was a huge campaign years ago spearheaded by Tavis Smiley, trying to get the word out of the dictionary. It just doesn't work that way. Why would they removed a word fromt he dictionary to please us, when they do all they can to make sure we can't even read a dictionary? We must get a grip.

What I do know is we need to grow a collective self-love. Each of us need to embrace our blackness, love our full lips, our dark skin, etc. It is the only way that we can turn this thing around. Racism is built on hate, only love can break it down. That is what I do know.

What Us Gon Do?

"Negroes want change inside but find it difficult to do so unless things outside are changed as well, it is clear that the simplistic solution of "more education" is meaningless when a society is more attuned to race than it is to academic achievement."  Dr. Grier and Dr. Cobbs Black Rage

This quote is powerful, still today. Although this book was written in 1968, it is very relevant today. We as black people have been told that all we have to do is get an education and the doors to success will open up for us. This is not true and never has been. We must change inside to make the world different on the outside. Even white folk have to do that.

It is who we are that keeps us where we're at. Yes, the color of our skin does play a huge roll in our daily lives, whether we recognize or not. Still, we are human and have unlimited potential, especially as black people. Our people survived some of the worse conditions imaginable. We are all miracles times two.

Yet, we have bought into the belief we are subhuman and many of us act this belief out everyday. We are afraid to be who we are, feel our feelings and let it be known that we matter. What us gon do? When will we stop perpetuating the plantation mentality that kept our American African ancestors bound? When will accept that we are a grand people, full of wonder, love and passion? When will we stop the ramped collective self-hate that keeps brother against brother, sister against sister and ourselves in deep spiritual warfare?

We have the knowledge, but we have yet to apply it waiting on the white man to again set us free. Waiting on the white man to love us so we can love ourselves. We are so blind to our brilliance that we don't understand that they already love us. So much so, that they can't sell a car, a burger, a bag of chips, without using our music, our phrases, our style. Why can't we see through their lies? What us gon do?

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Black History and How It Effects Blacks Today

I am beginning early writing about Black History. My main focus is how our American History as black people effects the modern family. Look forward to profound posts dealing with topics like: Why Black Men Hate Their Mothers, Why Black Men and Women Hate Each Other, Why Black Folk Cannot Live Like White Folk. Many of these posts will deal with historical facts to explain some of the present day dysfunctions that are holding our black families hostage.

It is my desire to awaken the deadened self-love we have as human beings. I strongly believe a lot of our current problems derive from the plantations mentalities still harbored by both whites and blacks.


Friday, December 7, 2012

Back on the Grind

Losing my marriage privileges really threw me for a loop. I only wrote 37, now 38 post this entire year. I just felt melancholy and I allowed myself to go with it instead of trying to forget, or to stop myself from missing what I have lost.

I must say doing so has purged me of many of the feelings I was having surrounding accepting I will have to find another at some point or time. You really do get comfortable with a person after 27 years and the thought of being with another man didn't seem appealing for a long time.

I am back on the grind for marriage. I learned a lot in 27 years about relationships and dealing with the opposite sex. I hope to be helpful and inspired in the upcoming year. I was down for a while, but never out.

Peace, love and soul,

Martyr for Marriage

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Doing A Lot of Thinking

Since my marriage is no longer active, I have noticed a trend in my thinking. I miss the functions of a family unit. Being married for 27 years and taking care of my family meant a lot to me. Even though I have accepted my estranged husband and I are not suited to live together as man and wife, I miss the sense of belonging that one gets when the family unit is in tact.

My kids and I are happier in many ways, but there is still something missing for me. I know it is not him. All I have to do is be in his presence and I know it is not him. It is about being a family with all it members. My daughter told me just the other day how glad she was that I maintained the family unit as long as I did because it allowed her to really get to know her father on her own.

I must admit it is a beautiful thing not to have to talk about him, or explain who he was or even think about how the kids are feeling about him not being around. Because they know what they are and are not missing; I get the opportunity to just be mom. I do not feel like I am both parents even though I am the primary caretaker. They each have their own relationship with him that was developed over years. It is a beautiful thing.

They don't even care why we are no longer together. My 16 year still doesn't know. All I told her was he wasn't coming back and that it had nothing to do with her. That was over a year ago and she has not questioned me at all.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to do your best to take care of your children. It really does pay off in the end.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Ten Months

My husband and I have been separated ten months. It has been a blast for me. The mental revival and renewal is just what I needed. At 50 years old, my way of thinking has changed so drastically until I barely suffered at all. God has released me completely from my marriage and know that it is over I can look back and see what He was doing all the time.

My husband has never been the ideal mate, but I didn't require that as much as I required someone who put the time in. He did that, as much as he could anyway. In June, we will have been married 23. August marks our 27th year of being apart of each other's lives. He has been there whether he was completely functional or not. Considering what he had to work with I marvel at how much he was able to accomplish.

My son and I were talking the other day and he said, "My dad was there for me. I knows he loves me."

To a mother, that means the world because she knows her child has gotten what he needed. All children need to know they are loved no matter what they have or do not have, love is the key that will unlock their potential to be the best human beings they can be.

Although my marriage has come to an end, I will always advocate for marriage because it is most definitely important and needed in this society and world. Marriage is the bedrock of any nation. Families make the world worthwhile. Families fuel the economy. Families keep the species alive.

Marriage give purpose to it all. I am proud of our efforts. I truly believe a couple's children reveal the truth about their household. If that is true, then we did great.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

When A Woman's Fed Up

R. Kelly has done a lot of wrong, but one thing he is truly right about is when a woman's fed up, there ain't nothing you can do about it.

I never wanted to get to this place. I did all within my power to stay in my marriage. Even though it was awful at times, I believed and obeyed and stayed. I didn't seek to use every little slight, mistake, etc., to get rid of my husband. Even though he broke our vows over and over, in every way. I stayed and prayed for God's will to be done within our marriage.

After seeing my estranged husband yesterday, and not feeling that familiar flutter in my heart, I knew I was completely free. One of the things we had going for us is that we both were still very physically attracted to each other. Whereas before yesterday, I would look at him and think, "Oh, I love him." Yesterday when I saw him and he approached me, I had to look twice. I saw him and knew it was him, but for some reason it didn't register the same way. I actually spoke and moved on my way. There really is nothing left to be said. Whatever we had is over.

I am so okay with it being over. I never worked at anything as hard as I did my marriage. To know how much effort I put into to the marriage, only to have it all snatched away was devastating when it first happened. Now, I'm grateful. I don't look back. There is no bitterness, only betterness.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Ode To Elizabeth Edwards: Part Two

John Edwards is paying publically for his sins. What is happening to him and my husband is a great example of you betta watch who you mistreat. What comes around have come back around for them in a big way.

No one could have ever told me my husband would end up in the state he is currently in, yet it is God's will. He lived a reckless life and know he couldn't tie his shoes, or shall I say, shoe, if he wanted to. The same body he used to misuse and mistreat others is almost completely no good time him now. He is living a lonely life, left on his own to deal with what he has created.

Look at John. He is front page news because of his blatant misuse of power trying to conceal his adulterous activities that led to the birth of a child. He is pleading innocent when the proof is overwhelming. How could he? The same way he did what he wasn't supposed to do, blatantly and without any thought of what would follow should he be caught.

I am glad Elizabeth didn't have to live to face the further humiliation brought on by her husband's lack of indiscretion. I on the other, have disconnected myself from my husband. Even when we were together, I didn't let his choices affect my life as much as possible. I would have never wished the life be literally zapped from him, I love his free spirit and independent ways, but as I mentioned earlier God's will is in progress. Maybe both John Edwards and my husband will see the light. Maybe the won't, but they sure will pay for living in darkness.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Ode to Elizabeth Edwards

I know it is hard for her family to have lost her, Elizabeth Edwards, that is. She was a "good wife." The wife of a man hoping to be President of the United States, but too weak to be a man of honor. She loved him for 31 years. I am pretty sure she kept her promises, at least I'd like to think so. The last year of her life was full of unnecessary strife because of her husband's bad choices.

He chose to be with an unstable woman and actually impregnated her and told her he loved her. I know this was hard for Elizabeth and that is why she had to write the book she did. So many questioned her motives. So many thought she should have been too embarrassed to aire the truth regarding her marriage. She had to do it. Just as I did, because I too know the pain of losing the affection of your husband.

My husband has never proclaimed to love anyone else. He does have a son two months older than our last child. We were separated and during this time he felt he was free. Silly man. Even with all we have been through my husband has not waviered regarding believing he loves me. I will admit there is comfort in the fact he has not declared his love for anyone else, but his desire to be with other women, reminds me that love is not enough.

Elizabeth Edwards was strong and capable, but she did not take good care of herself. She admitted to not getting mammograms and not doing self checks. She admitted to putting others first. There is a big part of me that believes her younger children were born out of a desire to replace a loss and to prevent a loss. She had those children in her late forties when we all experience great transition and longing, especially if we have children who are leaving home. Unfortunately she lost a son when he was 18, and I think she probably wanted to have that feeling of motherhood again.

She will be greatly missed. She was most definitely a "Warrior Wife." She fought to save her marriage to the bitter end. What a great role model for hanging in there. Rest in Peace

When God Calls You

Seven years ago I got the shock of my life in two ways. I got an investor who gave me money to open my publishing company and my husband began an affair. I was in between being the happiest and the sadest I've ever been. When I confronted my husband about the toher woman, he said, "Well, I guess you want me to move out."

I immediately heard my God voice tell me to say "No." I heard my mouth say no, and immediately went into the bedroom to ask God what was going on.When you are truly called by God, and are open to it and accept it; you are compelled to do whatever He asks without reservation. Whether you understand or not. I wrote about what I felt God wanted me to do. I tell all in the series Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage.

I originally thought God was leading me toward being with my husband forever. Then there was some indications otherwise. Finally, in July of this year, God freed me from my marriage. I was to completely get out of the way. I must admit, it is hard to sit on the sidelines, but that's all I am mandated to do. When God calls you, you must obey, no matter what you think should be, He knows best.

How To Stay Married

The first thing a married person who wants to give up on their marriage needs to do is examine their role in the downfall of the marriage. More often than not we focus on what we feel the other has done to us. We rarely look at our shortcomings, or what we do or do not bring to the relationship.

If you are honest with yourself, sometimes the simple act of recognizing your role in the problem can help you find a way to stay married.

The Cost of Forgiveness

The book, The Peacemaker, written by Ken Sande has opened my eyes to a natural part of my character I have displayed for most of my life. I am the ultimate peacemaker and I'm proud of it. His book is based on biblical principles. In the book, he talks about how forgiving can cost you, depending on who and what you forgive.

I believe this is especially true with forgiveness in my marriage. When I forgave my husband, it seemed things just began to fall apart. I forgave infidelity and there were remnants of "the other woman." My husband held on to her to the bitter end.

Being a peacemaker can and is often misconstruded. People tend to think you are weak, or a push over. In reality people who are peacemakers understand the value of forgiveness and know that God loves a forgiving heart. There is a cost for every action, whether good or bad, right or wrong. Being up for life's challenges and wanting to please God is the only way to fully appreciate the true power of forgiveness.

Silly Rabbit

Unfortunately, my estranged husband can only function under great distress. He makes choices that never benefit him in the long-run, but cannot seem to figure out to do something different. I was doing all I could to make his life less complicated since he is unable to utilize both his hands effectively. He had problem with a statement a made and became combative. Of course I pulled out of our arrangement immediately, as I was simply trying to "do the right thing," by him, since I am still "legally married" to him.

He called yesterday and left a message that he needed to go to the hospital. I silly can a person be? He called me to tel me to tell his son he MAY need him to take him to the hospital. Anyway!

He thought I was going to come running. Those days are over for good. He needs to find another flunky because I've done my time. It is more than obvious he wants to misuse me in anyway and for as long as possible.

I keep trying to tell him "Silly rabbit," tricks are for kids. Grow up and be the man you claim you are. Stop leaning and begin learning. When will you accept, you get what you put out in life. In his case, nothing from nothing leaves nothing.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

So Disappointed

My greatest disappointment as an adult is to arrive at middle age and to find so many grown folk who do not want to be adults. It saddens me to see on a daily basis how many people who do not want to behave age appropriate, do not want to take responsibility for the choices they make and those who literally just come out and say, "I don't want to grow up."

People want to buy everything they think they want on credit, but when it comes time to pay for it, they don't want someone else to foot the bill.

Now that I know for sure my husband and I will not be reconciling,  I have actually talked to some men who I thought should be mature adults. Two in particular are over 60 and are two of the most childish, immature men I have ever met. The are selfish and self-centered and have no compassion. It is scary.

I really don't know what to think. I have done all the settling I'm gonna do in my marriage. I will not spend anytime with anyone who does not respond adult like. No more drama and definitely no childish bullshit coming from men half a century old or more.

I am so disappointed.

New Book Series

My company is publishing a new book series. The first book will be Get Those Papers! Why Marriage Matters.

So many people today feel marriage is an obsolete institution. Many of these folk have come from single parent homes or broken homes. Some have witnessed their parents struggle with matrimony, but all miss the true beauty of marriage and its financial rewards.

Marriage gives us an opportunity to learn to truly share. When we marry, we should be entering into an agreement to pool our resources, share our hopes and dreams for the future and to create the agreed upon lifestyle we each want.

Instead, we enter marriage expecting to get rather than give. This book will deal with the basic reasons marriage is still a viable institution and greatly needed. It will have expert advice from lawyers and marriage counselors, along with real life testimony.

Marriage matters!

Old Habits Really Do Die Hard

I want to take care of him as I have always done, still after being separated over 9 months. Even though I am happy with my life, there is a great part of me that still wants to be a wife to him. In a way, I am sort of proud of myself because I have some full circle and can see that I was serious about my marriage.

I continued to do what I believed I was mandated to do until the bitter end. The fact I was willing to be in his presence at all says a lot. He really did me dirty, but it was nothing God couldn't see me through, and he did. Yet, I yearn to be a wife to him.

Old habits really do die hard. 26 years is a long time to love and truly care for someone. You can't just go cold turkey without some type of withdrawal. I have not tried to force anything on myself. I have allowed myself to naturally moved pass my feelings for him.

Monday, May 14, 2012

All I Could Do

I have done all I can in regards to trying to reach my husband. Even after all he's done, I still went and tried to help him out, but he couldn't allow it. His evil spirit has caused him to lose any opportunity to ever reconcile with me. I would rather be alone and lonely than to spend another second of my time with him.

He often bemoans, "I never catch a break." Little does he realize it is because he never gives one. He is extremely hard on everyone around him even though his life is a complete mess.

I don't even miss what we had that was good anymore. I am glad to be completely out of his life. Too much work for no reward at all. He will make it.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Doing the Right the With the Wrong Man

My husband does not see how he reveals himself to others. He is so selfish and self-centered until he actually thinks everything revolves around him. It is amazing to me. I just have to wonder.

For years, I have been trying to do the right thing with the wrong man. It ain't working.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

It Is What It Is

My family is by no means perfect. We have weathered some pretty horrific storms. Yet, my children report as being "happy." I am so glad for them because they know my belief about happiness and how it is obtained. I apporeciate the effort they have put into their lives that allows them to view themselves as, "happy."

My only Sonny turned 21 years old on the 19th of April. I look at him and marvel at the growth process and how boys grow into men. He is fortunate to have a mother who fully understod her role as mother and knew she would only be able to be an example of the female perspective.

My husband was a great role model for maleness good or bad, right or wrong. His early influence benefitted my son greatly, more than my son can appreciate at this age. As he grows into his manhood, he will begin to understand more clearly the benefit of the effort his father put into his life.

One of the greatest thing we did for our children is to have high expectations of them. We've made them feel they can do most anything they truly put their minds to. Of course they have chosen their paths, or so they believe.

My 15 year old daughter wants so badly to be an underachiever. She lacked a will to thrive when she was born. They had to literally beat her chest to make her breathe when she was born. I didn't know they could hit a baby so hard and it could still live, but she did. She wasn't ready to come out. She wants so desperately to "hate" her dad. She needs someone to blame when she doesn't want to do what she should, or needs to be doing. He always pushes her and tries to get her to appreciate her gifts.

Our family is what it is. We really couldn't ask for too much more. Our kids are basically healthy, good citizens, and hardworkers. They continue to need our guidance, but also strive for independance which is such a blessing.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Dealing With Delicate Issues

I have noticed since we have been separated my husband is better with dealing with delicate issues. I can't help but believe not having the day-to-day pressure of the family has allowed to him to view things more clearly.

It is very refreshing not to run into his ego every time I try to talk to him about something of importance. Still, I do not wish to be in a relationship with him any longer. I thought I would miss him by now, but I really don't. I am so glad to be free of the negativity that he carried with him like a badge. I am grateful we are able to be civil, but that is far as I want to take it.

I told him the first time he tried to come back that I wanted to see where this separation will take us. Neither one of us is in a hurry to divorce. He said he is not wanting one because he doesn't want to get married again. He knows he liked being married, he just can't admit to himself, because he can't do the right thing. That's just fine because he is now free to do what he wants, whether we are legally married or not, I am out of his life.

Still, it is very refreshing to know he is getting better at dealing with delicate issues.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Doing the Right Thing

I have been going over to my husband's apartment and cleaning and cooking for him. It is not as hard as I thought it would be. I am used to doing the right thing, so when he said he no longer had anyone who was willing to help him, I did not hesitate because it was the right thing to do.

Although it is the right thing to do, it is extremely hard seeing him without the leg and use of his left hand. I really wish him well. It is too bad he has made the choices he has. He needs to be home with his family but he gave us up for nothing. Now that he needs us the most, no one really wants to be bother with him.

He was good the first few times we went out. He kept his mouth shut. This last time I got tight because he's a backseat driver and extremely opinionated when it is not warranted. I do not know how much longer I am going to be able to help him.

I stay in prayer.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Kind Wife I Am

You really do not know what you would do until the situation arises. I told myself, and I still believe, that I could have cared less if I ever saw my husband again. Yet, when he called me and said he needed help, I was there.

Even though I could see clearly through my parents marriage, and had little tolerance for how they behaved in it; I didn't want to marry because I never believed a man could be as true to me, as I would be to him. I have always know and felt deeply that I was a ride or die type of person period. Even more so in a marriage.

My husband desired greatly to be a better husband, father and man. He did not succeed by his own standards. I had to learn to allow him to make mistakes and use prayer, understanding, and forgivenss, but most of all kindness to help combat the effects of the spiritual warfare he was going through.

For me, it came down to me being the kind of wife I wanted to be whether he was or is the husband he claims to want to be. He knows where he went wrong.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Why I Only Have 18 Posts Thus Far

I have really been living! Things have truly been happening. For a few months my phone was ringing off the hook. I have been doing things and meeting people, but most of all, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

It took to me almost eight months to tell my husband that we would no longer be intimate. I knew that the day we parted, but I didn't tell him. It has been that hard to accept my marriage is over. It has taken me all this time to say what I had to say and not cry throughout the whole process. I still cried at the end, but I got it all out.

It's all there. I know where to go to get the strength to continue to be the best I can be. I have the ability to protect myself and I must accept responsibility for that fact.

I simply haven't posted because I've been too busy living.


How Sharazad Ali Saved My Marriage

I was once again blessed and favored to have read, understood and participate in media appearances supporting the book, "The Black man's Guide to Understanding the Black woman."

This book saved my marriage from the beginning. I was greatly convicted by many of the pages in the book because either I saw myself, or someone I knew. I couldn't lie to myself and refused to even try. She was on point, on too many points not to be credible. She is 100% right when she says she the black woman has gotten a pass in this country. We have been made to think we can do bad all by ourselves and it sounds good, but our bad is the worse it can be as evidence by the quality of children we have turned out.

My marriage was not at all ideal, but it was real. We both thought we were right, especially in how we conducted ourselves in front of our children. Her books helped me to work on running my mouth, sitting on my fat ass worrying about what he was doing and who he was with; when I should have been up cleaning my house, cooking a decent meal, helping my daughter with her homework, or being the writer I claimed to be.

Her books put a stop to the mothering and coddling I was well on my way into. They helped me to continue to look for the good in him, to have compassion for him, to love him on a more deeper level. Her books made know I was right when I believed that the black woman is not supportive and understanding enough when it comes to the black man. We don't give him enough space to be him. We insist he changes while we try to act like our shit don't stink, but it does and our children, the ones we are rearing while we are doing bad all by ourselves.

I left all that behind and took every moment of my union to my husband to be aware of what we were going through and accept it is what we were creating for the glory of God. I knew my marriage was a covenant and her books helped me keep it that way.

It was Ms. Ali, not my mother who showed me what a real black woman looks like. My mother and father were married until he died. She never had an ounce of respect for him and did allow us to because she talked badly about him to us. The majority of our contact was with her, so of course she was God to us. As I began to formulate my beliefs about relationships they grew further and further from how I was reared. I knew something was sick about the way they lived. Thank God for the gift of discernment.

When I read Ms. Ali's books, the Warrior Wife in me was born and I made immediate alterations in my way of thinking. It was hard to watch my husband fumble with diapers, and make messes, and put on backwards, etc. I only knew because I was a mother at 17. He was running the streets. Her books helped me let him learn on his own. He deserved to have an authentic relationship with my son, just as I did.

I will not lie, my soul is full right now. I thank God I listened and learned. Now that my family is in distress, we all are handling it well because we have always been thoughtful of our children and did not unnecessarily burden them with our relationship and we learned early to put our relationship first. My kids know their parent love each other. The one thing they hate the most is they could never get us to go against each other when it came to them. If one said no, whether the other agreed or not, the other stood by them.

Thank you Sharazad Ali, but unfortunately 25 years later, black woman are worse than they were when you wrote the book in 1989. God help us!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Why The Whole Town Is Laughing at My Husband

My husband had a good thing, when he chose me as his wife. As much as he wants to believe I could have been better, he knows he had the best. Yet, throughout our 26 years of being married, he was unable to appreciate me.

He finally made it clear he was unable to respect me and I did what any self-respecting individual would do, I removed myself from his presence. Now, he's lonely, alone and the whole town is laughing at him, they are wondering, "Silly fool, how'd he lose such a good thing."

I won't take credit for the title. It is taken from a Teddy Pendergrass song released in the 70's, but it is so fitting to what is going on in my marriage.

My husband always wanted to be a player, but there was a side of him that wanted to be a family man. Unfortunately, because of how he was raised and how society perpetuates "Boys will be boys," he thought he would be able to live a dual life and get away with it.

Because I am a praying wife, a forgiving wife, and an understanding wife; he took all those times I said, "You're gonna miss me when I'm gone," lightly.

Today, I had to let him know The past eight months of no intimacy between us is an example of how it will be the rest of our lives, whether we divorce or not. We will not live together, sleep together, or ever make love with each other again.

Bonnie Raitt said it best, "I can't make you love me if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something it won't."

This is true in his case. Because he does not love himself, he couldn't love me. It took me years to fully understand this, but now I got it. As a matter of fact, I don't want him if he does not love himself. Living with him all those years taught me it just doesn't work. Self-love is key to being able to love someone else. It is a must. Everything else is artificial, make believe, a lie.

I told him he has always been the only man for me, but I will do without him before I allow him to ever hurt me again. It is painful to see him and not be able to give him me, but he made it this way and I am going to leave it as it is. I will be alone the rest of my life if necessary, but he can't have another minute of my life.

He will always have a special place in my heart, but never again in my bed.

Friday, March 23, 2012

What I Realized

I was watching criminal minds and the father of a murdered girl was talking about how he had accepted that there were things that were out of his control. He said he learned this after the therapist helped him realize he had experienced guilt feelings for not being able to help his daughter.

Suddenly, I had an epiphany. I realized I had experienced some guilt feelings over my decision to not allow my husband access to me. I know what I am cutting off and at this time, when he needs me the most; yes, at times I will see the uneasiness I felt was guilt. There is a part of me that does feel bad about not taking care of him.

I get over it real quick. I gave him plenty of opportunities to step up and be the man worthy of the woman he had. He would make attempts and talk a good game, but he always reverted right back to his old behaviors.

I must be the woman I was born to be. I have said it before and I'll say it again, I may be a sucker, but I choose who does the licking.

My guilt feelings only serve to remind me I am human and how much I really wanted to keep my promise to always be there for him. 26 years was our forever. What's done is done and I'm gone baby gone.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Healthy Relations

My marriage taught me the difference between healthy and unhealthy relations. For many years I lacked the support I needed and it was mainly due to unhealthy communication techniques. I do believe had my husband and I knew how to express ourselves in a healthy way that we would not have suffered so much in the union.

Now that it is over, I can clearly see how important it is to do all you canto have open and honest communication with your partner. Healthy relations can only occur when the partners actively seek out ways to appropriately engage each other.

Seek to find ways to reach your spouse with judgment and ridicule. To truly have healthy relationships we much begin by thinking healthy thoughts and acting in our own best interest.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

What I Am Going Through

I am experiencing joy everyday. I was asked a very valid question the other day by someone who is interested in getting to know me. My response was literally without a moments hesitation.

"If we were to find we wanted to be together, wouldn't you feel as though you were going against your marriage vows?"

"No, God has truly released me from my marriage. I am free to choose."

Seven months ago you could not have told me that would have come out of my mouth. I have said, and it is true, I was completely committed to my long-term union to the man I married, even though we have been unevenly yoked from the moment we laid eyes on each other.

I stayed the course because I understand that the duties are ours to follow, but the outcome is up to God. I have believe and trusted this all my life. I fully understand that we have to do the work, whether we get what we want in the end or not.

Sad, but true, I needed my marriage to be the woman I am today. I would have never been who I am today, had I not learned how to love, even when I didn't want to. Those folk who have love easy, only reach the Masters level. I have a PhD in loving cause I loved the devil.

I am going through a rapid period of growth. God is helping me strip myself of petty beliefs I was still harboring and that could have held me back in the future. I just experienced something I was sure I never would. It was good, but not right for me. I will continue being open to eradicating myself of the bullshit that keeps me from being the person I can.

What I am going through is amazing to me. God has done me such a wonderful turn. At 50, I almost literally have a clean slate. My children fully understand I plan to make some drastic changes in my lifestyle once my 15 year old is on her way to college. We talk about college everyday. She knows what she has to do.

What I am going through is exhilarating! I feel like I can do anything. I remember how it was just the opposite when I graduated high school. I remember crying to my mentor/friend/cousin Ella Gee, "I don't feel prepared to do anything." Boy, was I wrong. I had given so much thought to the path I wanted to take in life. Had done so much preparation, took advantage of every opportunity that came my way and by the age of 45, I had realized all my personal goals.

Now, at 50 I sit and seek God's will. He gave me what I wanted, which I believe was His will also, but there is something more. I know it.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Brave New World

When I realized God was releasing me from my 26 year marriage, it was an immediate acceptance on a level few words can describe. Not that I instantly stopped loving my husband, or even wanted out of the marriage. It was a profound sense of peace, even though I was madder than I had been in a long time.

I had to make certain choices and I did so with grace and a clear head. There were no second thoughts. I knew, we would never live as man and wife again and I was right.

Seven months later I am enjoying my journey, paying close attention to my options and continuing to expand my horizons. I was walking down the street Wednesday and two different men blew their horns to get my attention. Seven months ago, I would have never even heard the horns, let alone recognized they were for me.

I'm living in a brave new world of freedom and self-expression. Although I never wanted my marriage to end, it did, and I accept the reality it is over.

I like being alone. I love having my king size bed to myself, thinking of myself, doing for myself. Even though I loved being a wife and mother. I love phasing out that part of my life even more. I am so ready to really have more of an opportunity to focus on me. I have been a mother for 32 years, since 17 years old. I took total responsibility for my daughter and haven't looked back since. I did the same for the two I produced with my husband.

I was a great wife. I gave my husband the opportunity to know what it was like to have a family life. I did the best I could with the limited knowledge I had about intimate relationships. As I grew into womanhood, I adjusted my behavior. Unfortunately, my efforts to be a better wife had little to do with whether or not my husband would be a better husband.

In my brave new world, I take with me the knowledge I received during the 26 years I was married to my husband.

Monday, February 20, 2012

I Had to Hear His Voice

I was feeling badly after listening to a song my husband and I used to slow dance to. It made me sad to think about the lose of his leg. It also made me feel worse to know I would never be in his arms again.

I wrote about my feelings on Facebook and he replied, "I will dance again."
I wrote: "I believe. Sadly it won't be with me."

It is so sad. I am left with all these feelings and emotions. I have to work on not forgetting it is really over. I could not go back if I wanted to. There is nothing left for me, but work and I have done that. Still, I had to hear his voice. I had nothing I wanted to say to him. I just wanted to hear the tone of his voice. It always soothed me.

He was surprised I really didn't have anything to say. He caught himself complaining a few times and stopped, which I thought was really interesting. Still, I said nothing. I called with that purpose twice this weekend. I will not call again because I could tell he wants to come back and I don't want him back. I want him to stay far away from me. I will not allow myself to be hurt by him again.

I do believe God is going to continue to shelter me and guide me in the right direction. There is nothing for me in his life except to take care of him now that he has loss use of his hands. He says he is embarrassed. So was I when he humiliated me in front of all those people. I am sure he has not given it a second thought. I will stay away from him so I won't have to remind him.

The next time I feel like I have to hear his voice; I'll just do without.

When You Can't Love Who You Want

I love my husband completely, but I cannot love him actively. His behavior is completely unacceptable to God and to me. He has done all he can to continue to push his family away, but if you talk to him he doesn't understand why no one wants to be around him.

He simply cannot see how nasty and mean he is. He doesn't recognize the disrespect he harbors for those who are close to him. He just can't accept that he is not a good person, at least not to people he claims to love.

Still, I love him dearly, but I am so glad not to be apart of his self-sabotaging lifestyle anymore. It was torture watching him tear down everything we would try to build. To watch him walk all over the love and respect I did try to have for him. To him not give as much as he could to our children.

When you can't love who you want, you really do have to take a step back and be grateful cause sometimes it is a good thing. Not being with him does not keep me from loving him or from praying for him. I will continue to do both as long as I live.

Friday, February 17, 2012

It's the Principle of the Thing

My husband and I are not together because he violated basic human principles one time too many. He proved to me that his anti-social behavior is sociopathetic and therefore completely unacceptable in my household.

The day before we separated for good, we were happy as for as I am concerned. Happy for us. I had spent the day with him at the hospital. We had an adventure that turned out to be serendipitous. I write more about this in my third installment in the series, Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage.

Throughout my relationship with my husband I was able to maintain who I was and to stay on course towards who I wanted to be. He, on the other hand, had never charted a course for himself, thus he was adrift. He often marveled at how I was able to remain so consistent in what I believed, and who I am. Year after year, I presented to him the woman I knew myself to be. Year after year, he hated me for it. He would never fail to make comments that revealed the mendacity he felt towards my ability to be authentic in my dealings with him and others.

Six months ago, I learned how awful a person can get when they have no understanding of God. i truly believe God released me from my marriage based on his knowledge of my heart. He knew that who I am could never continue to tolerate someone violating basic human principles. My husband crossed the line and I chose me. It's the principle of the thing.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Exploring, Waiting and Watching

So much is happening, and then again there really is not much going on. I experience peace in abundance now and it is very addictive. I feel like I don't want to be bothered with people much. I find folk just don't make it possible for me to maintain my the level of happiness I desire.

Being separated from my husband and still having a true and geniune love for him is interesting. Even though I care and sometimes wish I could comfort him, I know it is not in my best interest to do so, so I don't. I keep my distance.

I gathered from a conversation my youngest was having with him on the phone that he felt I would not make an effort to bring her to see him in the nursing home. Of course I would, I am not going in, but I would most definitely make sure she got to see her father. He is still trying to play the victim role not knowing how pathetic it makes him seem. I want to belive he will one day reach out to God and embrace a spirit of love and forgiveness, instead of envy and hate.

Right now I am exploring my opportunities, waiting for the right time to make the right move and waiting for my miracle.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Why I Do Not Recognize Myself

"Every since I've given up sin, Hallelujah, been born again."

I am truly no longer a glutton. It has been eight years. I have learned portion control. I am taking my time and that has made it seem more effortless. I do not weigh myself. I do not obsess about my looks at all. As a matter of fact, one of the major reasons I don't recognize myself is I actually love me. I think I am beautiful. I am putting me first.

I am so ready to continue to shock myself. I plan to keep myself guessing, but most of all continue to pray for God's will. That habit has served me well.

I do not recognize myself at times because my eyes don't cry no more. I have absolutely no fear. I love my enemies. I am much more tolerant of stupid people. I do not think about food 24/7. I am looking forward to traveling more. I want to grow in love with a man other than the one I married. I am ready for whatever!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Honoring My Marriage

Even though I am still legally married, my relationship with my husband it has been over for six months and I am so happy and relieved. I feel no anger, no resentment, no sense of loss, no wondering if we are doing the right thing, nothing but gratitude to God.

We both believed we were soul mates and we were. My soul got healed, he never developed a relationship with his. Even with that we spent 26 years doing the best we could, obviously. It is what it is.

I watched a documentary about happiness. There was a couple who had been marriage for over 30 years and were no longer sexually active. The wife was content, but the husband wanted more. They sought counseling and question why they were able to continue to stay together. The therapist made the statement that their earlier life had a lot to do with it. They had done a lot of adventurous things together in the beginning of their marriage. Although they had issues, when it came to working together and supporting each other, they did that. It was the therapists belief that these early experiences where they weather storms, good times etc., help cement their relationship.

The wife eventually broke down and said she'd rekindle the sex life because she didn't want to lose her husband. She was comfortable with the marriage and didn't want to lose him over sex. That is what marriage is about. Really life. You have got to give to get.

My husband and I were similar in the beginning of our relationship. Neither one of us had ever had anything that we owned. When we began to live together, everything was centered around making a home. It turned out he was more into house cleaning and decorating than I. I loved that. He did too, but he had many misconceptions about what a woman was supposed to do. He felt like I should like to clean just because I was a woman.

We'd do all kinds of things and took walks everyday to the beach, holding hands and making plans. The romance was off the chain. He was into setting the mood. The music, the lights, the food. Looking back is doing me good because it makes me realize why I grew to love him so. When we were who we are, and not portraying the roles we grew up seeing, we were great together.

I was thrilled by how thrilling love was and how much more open I felt as a person. The shift in my personality and way I felt about myself was intoxicating. I came alive in his arms, looking into his eyes, hearing him say my name. He turned me on and I will always be grateful to him for that.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Too Much Romance Not Enough Love

I personally do not like the "in love" feeling. I was oh so happy when things changed for me as my relationship with my husband progressed in the beginning. I had never experienced the emotional highs and lows to the extent I did with him.

The feelings that arouse within me when he touched me were overwhelming, yet comforting at the same time. I constantly sought balance because I like being in control of me. Romance requires a certain amount of "being out of control," that is really not conducive to marital relationships. That is why so often once folk start having babies, the bottom begins to fall out. When the real world meets romance, romance uses loses because it is fabricated love.

Our country would be so much better off if we reared our offspring to bond with the opposite based on having gotten to know who the person presents themselves to be. Instead, we often go into relationships with preconceived notions and expectations and we have no clue who we are dealing with. This is the tragedy of romance. It always leaves you wanting because you never know what's real and the sad part the man and the woman go along with the charade. Generation after generation of Americans have been feed romantic notions that disappear quicker than the flame of a candle upon any sign of wind.

Romance cannot sustain a marriage. Two people in agreement to keep the romance alive in their marriage will. Marriage is an agreement between two people to share their dreams, goals, bodies, finances, time, energy with the other person until death do them part. When we build our relationships on romance, an institution based on lies and deceit, we get what we got; an extremely high divorce rate due to too much romance and not enough love.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Why marriage Gets A Bad Rap

What I had to learn and many of us do not understand is that marriage does not belong to anyone. If you believe marriage is a covenant, then you know marriage is of God. The very reason so many who enter into the institution fail, is because they try to own it.

Stay with me. Marriage is an agreement two people enter into to share their finances, time, love, caring, devotion, etc; with the understanding that God is the ultimate head of the marriage. This is the part many of us miss and never understand. What I am talking about is what the movie, Not Easily Broken, was about. The movie tried to get the point across that for a marriage to work, each partner has to be willing to defer to the "greater good," which is always God's goal.

Only when we stop self-seeking in our relationships will we be able to see marriage the way God see it. We don't just marry to have the person we think we want for the rest of our lives. Marriage is so much more than that. In marriage, your goal is to promote the happiness and welfare of your mate, not simply expect that they do for you. Oftentimes our expectations are high but our truly willingness to sacrifice is low.

We want to believe our happiness is what matters above all and to a certain degree we are correct. Still that does not mean you get to make a lifelong commitment and just walk away because you are not happy. Truth be told, if you are not happy, it is your own fault because happiness begins within. So if you are not happy now, you probably weren't happy when you made the commitment.

You don't own a marriage. You enter into an agreement to be married to one person and you do this before God. Then you do all you can to destroy the institution based on sharing, with your selfish needs, wants and desires. Marriage gets a bad rap because the folk singing the tune were not good for marriage. Marriage, if operated honestly is one of the most beautiful opportunities for two people to glorify God.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Taking It to the Limit

I know I talk about myself and my family a lot. That is where my priority has been for more than 26 years. I am the type of person who does very little half way. I truly am a take it to the limit type of gal.

I can't imagine anyone thinking of me as a risk taker, but I am. As a matter of fact, I take the risk that matter the most. I put my life on the line. As a child, I would speak the truth and be honest with my mother. That was a huge risk that got my slapped in the mouth on too many occassions. With my peers, I could be provoked into using my tongue as a whip, or to spew acid on some fool who thought they could survive a battle of the wits with me.

I am going a different way now. I only have three more years before my youngest is gone and in college. She is constantly being coached and guided to think independently, as I am ready to do me in a strong and real way. I feel a complete gratification when it comes to my life. My adult children seem to go out of their way to praise me and share with me the positive impact I have had on their lives. My youngest can't tell me she loves me enough. She proclaims how much she likes spending time with me and talking to me . This is how I know there is Heaven on earth.

I took my idea of parenting to the limit and to a great extent have been blessed because of it. I chose to be guide my children, encourage them, inspire them, tell them the truth at all cost and to never break my promises. It takes a lot of restraint to be this kind of parent. Being a giver makes it easier. A deep ability to sacrifice, to exercise my forgiveness muscle, and to be patient is what has made these last few years so sweet.

I took my marriage to the limit. I stayed until every ounce of good was drained out of it. I did exactly what I needed to do. I followed God's will and believe me I experienced some of the worse things I could ever imagine. Due to God's favor, I was able to weather the storm, make it through the valley, walk through the fire. I did not fall apart when God put me to the test. Oh yes, I cried many nights, sometimes days, but I never gave up and I went through what I believed was my destiny and as it turned out I was right.

I'm ready for the next phase of my life. I know exactly how much I can take. What is so great about now is I am in complete control of me. I have focused on, examined, analyzed and forgiven myself. It is truly my time to love someone who can accept it. I am ready to takeit to the limit one more time.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Why We Never Get Away

Early in our marriage when my husband would do something he should not have done I would eventually tell him he'd pay. Part of me was hoping, but the greatest part of me understood we truly do reap what we sow. Throughout our marriage he sowed discontent and discord. He was unable to break the cycle of disrespect and hate for women that is prevalent in his family.

When I think about how much his body has deteriorated, how fast he went down and how easily he gave into his flesh; I cannot help but see God's hand all over it. We never get away. I know he is in hell. I clearly remember when I first met him and his mother had just been diagnosed with diabetes. He proclaimed he would never be on, "all that medication." He ended up on twice as much medication.

There are so many scenarios that have happened throughout our 26 years together that I could say, "and now he's paying for that."

It is not my duty to determine what he is paying for, but I do recognize he is paying. We never get away because we create our own heaven and hell right here on earth. With every decision we build our empire, or tear it down. I have said time and time again, I was in my marriage for the duration. Had my husband not pushed me away, I would still be with him. Since he has done that I embrace the separation. When I really think about it, I have always been able to let my husband walk away from me. The difference this time is he cannot come back.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Why Crying Is Good For You

I wish I could go back as long as I would have to go back to confront the person who misunderstood the role our ability to cry plays in our lives as human beings. This person, and believe me there is an origin, has effected alot of the human race. There are cultures who embrace tears and of course, they are much healthier than we are.

Crying gives us the much needed release when our minds and bodies become overwhelmed. Having a good cry is often all we need, yet many of us hold on to the energy, that whether positive or negative turns into stress in our bodies. We have release valves so to speak, through our eyes. Our tears can come whether due to joy or pain. This is the miracle of them.

Somehow, at sometime, tears became only associated with negativity, weakness, and having lack of courage. Tears are thought to be a sign of breaking down, or falling apart. This couldn't be further from the truth. Having a good cry, when appropriate is sometimes the best and only way to handle some of life's most stress producing moments.

When we hold on to the things that we cannot change, no matter what, we keep ourselves from receiving what God has for us. If there is nothing you can do to change a situation, and it is causing you discomfort and negative feelings like hurt, disappointment, disbelief, and fear; crying to release the frustration of not being able to do anything just may be all you need.

Crying releases us from the burden of feeling as though we have to control and manipulate situations. Sometimes all you can do is cry. To allow ourselves to fall into regret, or self-doubt is a true waste of time. The choices we make are the ones we need to make to make it on our journey. If we believe God is already knows our heart, then we also believe our way will be paved with those and things we need to make it through this adventure we call life.

We will meet with disappointment. None of us are perfect. This is why we are encouraged not to rely on our own understanding. We all have a role to play in life. We must remember to realize our dreams and goals we will need others in some capacity. People do not have to live up to our expectations and when we do not accept this we not only do ourselves a disservice, but them too.

Prayer, crying, meditation, deep breathing, listening to music, writing in a journal, talking with someone, or simply being still all these are coping skills. They are ways of dealing with the stressful things in our lives that won't lead to more self-destruction. Have a good cry.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Seven Days Into the New Year

This is my first blog of the new year. My life has been on a roller coaster since right before Christmas and I just got off yesterday. My plumbing backed up two days before Christmas. I had no money for Christmas.

I paid the plumber which left me unable to pay the cable, so it was shut off. Then, two days before New Year's Eve, my furnace goes out. I couldn't believe something else was happening so quickly. It seemed the entire year of 2011 was fraught with one mishap, breakdown, illness, horror, or the other.

After being able to let my refrigerator to, something opened up in me that has heightened my ability to make the best out of bad situations. Instead of becoming upset about the furnace, I brainstormed and thought about electric heating. I remembered when I didn't have a huge gas bill and that was when I was living in apartments heated with electric wall heaters. I did some research and discovered I was correct about the financial savings and made the decision to go electric. I went out and bought good electric heaters and we are all toasty and ready for the next bullshit to crop up. Happy New Year!