Tuesday, December 27, 2011

It Took Me Fifty Years to Learn

Even though I would be the first to tell you I do not believe in romance, I believe deeply in true love. It took me 50 years to learn that love don't love nobody. I really believed my love could change my husband. I learned love can only make a difference if the recipient is open to it.

A closed vessel cannot receive. He was not open to being loved for who he was. He wanted to me buy into the lie he was selling and when I refused, he refused to appreciate what I did have to offer, which was true friendship and honesty. I offered him an alternative to living a mediocre life and he resented the implication that he was not living well enough only thinking of himself.

I asked for too much and learned to hard way that love don't love nobody.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Are You a Winner or a Loser?

The winner is always a part of the answer.
The loser is always a part of the problem.
The winner always has a program.
The loser always has an excuse.
The winner says, "Let me do it for you."
The loser says, "That's not my job."
The winner sees an answer for every problem.
The loser sees a problem in every answer.
The winner sees a green near every sand trap.
The loser sees two or three sand traps near every green.
The winner says, "It may be difficult but it's possible."
The loser says, "It may be possible, but it's too difficult."

The choice is yours at any given minute. We were all born to win!

Why So Many Women Choose the Wrong Man

Many of us choose the wrong man because who do not understand our worth.

LIFE 101

"There is nothing you need to do to become worthy. You already are worth. You don't even have to discover your worthiness. You can feel utterly worthless and still be worthy. People have said, "I don't feel worthy to be alive." But you are alive; therefore, you must be worthy. It's very simple: If you're not worth life, you don't have it. Worthiness is a given. It has nothing to do with action, thoughts, feelings, mind, body, emotions, or anything else. You are worthy because you are. PERIOD!"

Not too much I can add, except believe it!

My Prayer for You

This is a prayer I would read everyday when I had problems will trying to control others. See if it helps you. Peace

My Prayer for You

when you're lonely

I wish you love

when you're down

I wish you joy

when you're troubled

I wish you peace

when thing are complicated

I wish you simple beauty

when things are chaotic

I wish you inner silence

when things look empty

I wish you hope.


May God continue to keep and bless you.

What Is Love?

According to St. Paul in the book of Corinthians Love is:

Love is patient, love is kind.

Love is not jealous, it does not put on airs, it is not snobbish.

Love is never rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not prone to anger;

neither does it brood over injuries.

Love does not rejoice in what is wrong,

but rejoices with the truth.

There is no limit to love's forbearance, its truth, its hope and its power to endure.

So many of us want to believe we know how to love, but just reading the first line, many of us know right off the bat, we don't. Love is patient? Really? How often are you short tempered with folk you claim to love? I would go as far as to say that we are less patient with people we profess to care about the most.

The same goes for being kind. How often are you kind to those you claim to love? Take time and really think about who you save your kindness for. Remember, charity begins at home.

Putting on airs is the biggest proponent of our Romantic love in this country. We are not happy unless we are building these elaborate facades trying desperately to get others to believe we love them.

Love is not self-seeking. Unfortunately, self-seeking is one of the biggest reasons people do not feel loved. The people around them are looking out for themselves and so are they. Where are the real people at? The folk who know it is truly about give and take. Not take and take and take and take.

Love, if it is true, can and will endure anything. Who do you love?

How The Man I Married Will Leave With Less Than He Did When He Came

I am devastated! The man I married was told due to not responding quickly enough to an infection in his upper hip, he will have to have his thigh and leg removed on his right side.

He has not been paying attention to his health even more so since he's been away from the house. He really relied on me to keep an eye on things and he refuses to do it himself. Now, he will live this earth with less than he did when he came.

He may very well leave his eyesight, hearing and God knows what else, along with four toes and the leg and thigh. I cannot imagine how he feels, I really can't. I broke down and cried when I heard the news.

Diabetes and high blood pressure are nothing to play with. Unfortunately, he let things go for way too long. All I do is pray. There is nothing else I can do. Absolutely nothing!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Like You, You'll Love You

I wrote this poem when I was 15 years old.

Like You, You'll Love You

You never want to be who you are.

You look at others and admire them from afar

You never look at yourself and say,

"I'm the best I can be."

You always look and say,

"I don't like me."

If you don't like yourself, life will always be hard to live.

Just remember you have all God had to give.

Make the best of you,

You are all you've got.

Forget about others and what you're not.

Be yourself and you'll soon see;

that who you are is who you would rather be.

It took me years to actually live this poem. When I write poetry, it is usually out of great pain, or joy. When I wrote this one, I was trying desperately to make myself believe I was worthy. I was in my 30's before I actually felt the words of the poem. Wow! How cruel we are to ourselves, yet we expect others to like and care about us. I learned the hard way folk treat you like you allow them to. They can tell when you don't like yourself and will take full advantage.

Like you, you'll love you. Start today.

Why You Should Be Glad You Cannot Control Others

"The only thing you can take charge of is the space within the skin of your own body. That's it. Everything (and, especially, everyone) else does not belong to that of which you can take charge. Considering the vastness of the Universe, "the space within the skin of your own body' doesn't sound like much. But consider what's contained in there: your mind, your body, your emotions, and whatever sense of You you've got. That, to paraphrase Sir Thomas More, is not a bad public."

When we are trying to control others, we are missing out on another opportunity to get know ourselves. You should glad you have only you to control, but most of are not. We are too afraid to deal with who we really are, so we hide behind controlling others. If you are a true control freak, you probably run into a lot of resistance and this is just as it should be. Everyone comes here with what they need to do what is necessary for them. As parents, the most we can truly do is guide our children, yet we spend years keeping them dependent on us, then resenting them when they want their own lives.

Be glad you cannot control other people that gives you more time to do you. Get a life. Leave other people's business alone. Stop thinking you know everything, or that you are right all the time. What other people eat don't make you fat and that is how it should be. Live your own life, please!

Why Some of Us Never Accomplish Much in Life

"Successful achievement requires the use and coordination of three things, thoughts, feelings, and actions. thoughts spark the process, get it going. Feelings keep the thoughts alive, encourage more thoughts, and get the body moving. Action is important to accomplish the physical tasks necessary for achievement."

The reason folk do not accomplish more in life is because their thoughts, feelings, and actions do not line up with what they claim the want to do.

I get people asking me all the time how I have accomplished as much as I have during my lifetime. It is because I keep these three things aligned. When I think of something I want to do. I immediately check how strong a feeling I have about pursuing whatever it is. If the feeling is strong, and I cannot deny it; I proceed to being the tasks necessary to get the job done. Plain and simple.

You've got move something to get something done.

The Quote That Changed My Life

This quote came from a calender titled "Life 101."

"The result of honoring the comfort zone too much, too often: a sense of deadness; a feeling of being trapped in a life not of our desiring, doing things not of our choosing, spending time with people not of our liking. The answer to all of this? Do it. Feel the fear, and do it anyway. Physically move to accomplish those things you choose."

I had to read this over and over and over and over and over. Then, again until I was able to think about moving. I used this quote to quit a job that was raping my soul. I would cry everyday I went. I stayed home for three days reading my bible and meditating. On the fourth day, I returned to work and quit on the spot.

I realized I was feeling so bad because it was more than time for me to go. I have been there 8.5 years and I had no respect for the people I worked for. They were racist. When the office manager told me she didn't know anyone who was not racist, I knew I had to get out of there.

When we put up with situations that are not good for us, we lose a piece of ourselves every time we reenter that environment. I walked away from that job and didn't look back. My life only got better because I was not honoring what was comfortable, I did what was right for my soul. Do what you must to be who you are.

Harder and Harder

I have not allowed myself to be in my husband's presence. I really don't want to on a personal level, but as a person who cares deeply about people; it is getting harder and harder for me to stay away.

He had surgery again the past Saturday. He had a bad infection that would have required his entire leg and thigh to be removed had not the surgery gone well. Just the thought of that happening made me sick. He was such a vibrant alive person and now all he does is feel sorry for himself.

I cannot handle that. I am a strong person, especially when it comes to my health. I could not imagine being in his position, but I would want to believe my reaction to being in that position would be different.

My children are doing their best. My son can barely handle it all, but he does because he doesn't want me to get involved. No one wants him back at the house. The peace level since he has been gone is nothing but amazing. The devil sure can keep up a lot of mess.

Still, we all want the best for him, but dealing with him just keeps getting harder and harder.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Not Looking Back

I will always love my husband, but I am content with us being apart. We gave our all and it wasn't enough. There is nothing left for me to do in the relationship. He was not receptive to what I was offering for 26 years, I doubt if he is any more willing today.

I feel extremely blessed to have been able to rear my children in a way that has afforded them compassion, kindness and caring. They are there for their father and I am so very grateful. I do not have to do a thing, but keep my mouth shut. Anyone who really knows me, knows that's a full-time job alone.

I am not looking back. Although we are still married, I am ready to begin dating, or whatever I want to call it. I am done.

My Savior

My oldest daughter is 32 years old today. She is so wonderful and kind to me. I am always amazed how much she has grown into a strong, positive, self-assured female.

We have become friends which is interesting considering I've always fought against it. I firmly believe the lines should not be blurred between parents and their children is at all possible, yet I do consider her a friend, as much as she considers me one.

We have been through a lot together. I had her when I was 17. I had a lot of growing up to do and she witnessed it all, if not facilitated much of it. I had to grow so I would be able to be the best mother possible.

Today she told me I was her friend, and that she has grown to respect me greatly. She compliments often on my parenting skills as she comes in contact with more and more people. I am so blessed.

It could have all been so different. I was married for 26 years to a man she hated, but my desire to be open and honest served me well. My kids are minimally dysfunctional because when dysfunction occurred, instead of ignoring it, I tackled to problem head on, thus busting any secrecy that could have caused sickness in the family unit.

We survived, she and I. Now all I desire is for her to discover life and live it.

I love you girl, you're the one!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Being A Book Publisher

There is a new story out about a woman who has experienced success selling her novel. She wanted it out and self-published. She made a huge decision and sold the book for .99 over the Internet. It worked for her and she was able to sell enough copies to get media attention.

Book publisher is not inexpensive, but it is definitely worth it. My company has not found its bestseller yet. It is simply a matter of time.

She is getting all types of offers, but none are quick as sweet as "all the profits." She is struggling with wanting the recognition a huge company can give her and the reality that she has done what they would do, only with their money and their rules. I like being independent.

Self-publishing is the answer. My company has changed its focus to publishing books that deal with family and marital themes, along with women issues, biography, autobiography and some poetry.

When God Saves You

It is more than evident many people have the wrong idea of what it means to be saved. First of all, you do not get saved once, not if you are truly human. Oh yes, my friend if you are human you will need saving more than once. That is why we are encouraged to develop a strong relationship with the Holy Spirit which, if we allow it, will guide us throughout our lives.

That place inside of us that is truly unafraid because we know we are loved by God and that is enough. When you get saved it does not mean you will never be burdened or have problems. What it does mean is if you utilize the Holy Spirit you will respond differently to the issues that arise in your life. God will get the glory each time you choose (free will) to rise to your higher self and do the right thing.

When God saves you, the Holy Spirit takes up host in your soul to help with the inevitable spiritual warfare that each of us experience. Peace

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Half a Century Old

One month from today I will be half a century old. when I thin about my life and all I've thought I would never see, a black president was definitely first on my list. I absolutely never thought I would see a black man become president. That has been one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life.

Even though I always believed it would happen, when I got my own business it was confirmed to me that my life was my own on so many levels. My marriage of 26 years completely transformed me into the woman I had hoped I would be. My children have been one of my biggest motivations. They inspire me and keep me on my toes. Now that two of them are young adults they come to me with praises for the way I reared them. If I die today, I would be a happy woman because my children have confirmed for me what I had hoped to express to them that they are important and loved.

I have achieved all but two of the major goals I set for myself. I do not have a masters degree, nor Ph.d, but I may soon be back in school. The only reason why I have not gotten back in school because I was planning on getting a MBA to be able to open a business. Obviously, I didn't need to degree to start and operate the business. I was born to be a psychologist, but it is not as appealing to me as being an entrepreneur is.

I have the Key to the City of Louisville, the Distinguished Citizens award, I wrote a column for over eight years, I've given speeches, which I still would like to do more of. I've acted in community theater, and I perform at open mic venues several times throughout the year.

No one could have ever told me I would be in such a good place at this point in my life. I truly am happy with myself just as I am. I have a great relationship with God and I know I'm worthy of being alive. Nothing is more important to me than my peace of mind.

Friday, December 9, 2011

How I Have Stayed Young at Heart

I work with teen aged girls everyday. From the ages 12-18, I get to see what this age group thinks is hip, cool, sweet, dope, the shit, bad, bling, flossin, swaging; I am pretty up to date. I have a 31 year old daughter who is intelligent and socially conscious, who also feels it important to use me as a friend, something I have always discouraged. It just sort of happened and I have had to accept it.

I have a 20 year old son who is working daily, but pretty much stays to himself. He has the same friends he had since junior high and spends time with them. I get to hear what he's listening to, right before I take it out of my CD. We do not talk much, but when we do our conversations are always lengthy and edifying. We spend a lot of our time praising each other. He thinks I am the greatest mother and lately it seems he is getting to know me for the first time. He is maturing and more accepting of me as a woman and not just his mother, but he also is mesmerized by how I know exactly what he wants when it comes to certain things. He has my name tattooed on his forearm. When I saw how huge it was, I was honored and uncomfortable at the same time. On one hand the tattoo validated he understood just how permanently I love him, but it also represent to me, a fanatical quality. I will always be his mother. We share blood. The tattoo seemed overkill to me.

My fifteen year is very assimilated. This drives me crazy that I am raising a beautiful black girl who identifies with white women on the level she does. Her sensibilities are more that of a white girl and boy does she struggle to accept that beautiful nappy hair of hers. Still she is the kindest, most diplomatic person I know. She is intelligent, well read, capable and giving. She is still very infatuated with me to a great degree, yet she is beginning to notice I'm not perfect, but unlike her sister and brother before her, she does not judge me and call me a hypocrite. She actually feels I am doing the best I can. What a blessing. I would be in trouble if she thought she was missing something.

I stay young because I embrace youth and youthfulness. One month and 11 hours from being 50, I feel younger than I ever have. I am presently listening to the group Blackstreet while typing this blog. I enjoy music and dancing just as much or more than I did when I was young. I love to laugh and will until I cry. I am telling ya'll I freely allowed myself to live in the Holy Spirit, praising God constantly and doing my best to do what is right and good. I stopped taking myself so seriously and accepted myself for the beautiful black woman that I am and I have been happy every since. Peace

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

You Can't Give What You Don't Have

You really can't give what you don't have especially when it comes to emotional matters. People who bottle up their feelings and allow themselves to go through life numb are really unable to truly share with another.

Some kind of way I have been able to hold on to the essence of who I am. As awful as my childhood was, as treacherous as my marriage got, I never lost sight of me. This is why I am healthy and whole today. My mother couldn't scold, or cajole the me out of me. My husband couldn't beat, couldn't make me feel bad enough about myself to lose sight of who I was and he couldn't get me to deny who I saw him to be.

I have been able to give because I have always had the greatest love of all, love of self.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Why I Ultimately Left My Husband Behind

"If an individual is able to love productively, he loves himself too; if he can love only others, he cannot love at all." Eric Fromm, The Art of Loving

After seven years of doing my best to win my husband's forgiveness, I recognized he was unable to forgive because he did not know how to love. Although he professes his love for me, his actions proved otherwise. I went throughout the house and took down all the pictures of us. I wanted to make a clear statement that I knew without a doubt, he did not love me.

He was baffled by my actions. He could not believe I didn't believe he loved me. I told him time and time again his actions spoke louder than his words and I finally accept what I see and I will no longer listen to what he says.

He does not love himself. There is no way he loves me. When he became ill and I saw how much he was giving up on himself, it really pushed the reality that he did not love himself, so how could I truly expect to get love from him?

I left my husband behind because until he loves himself, we will never have anything real or of value. Yes, we've been together a long time. In the beginning, for about five years, I was like most women, giving and loving too much. When our son was born, my husband showed great interest in being a caretaker. Instead of feeling like he couldn't do things, I helped him hone his nurturing skills. In many ways, he is a better parent than I am. We both had a lot to learn. I did, he didn't.

Yet, there was still something missing. The biggest piece of the puzzle, self-love. His lack of self-love is what has led to the life he has today. I had to ultimately leave him behind if I am to ever be loved, because until he learns to love himself, he will never be able to love me.

Why I Was Depressed for 30 Years

Depression is hate turned on the self.

There are two types of depression, exogenous and endogenous. Exogenous depression occurs in reaction to outside events and is closely relating to grieving. Endogenous depression is a result of improperly functioning biochemistry and appears to genetically linked with compulsive eating and/or alcohol and drug addiction. In fact,these may all be different expressions of the same or similar biochemical disorders.

I probably can claim to have been under the influence of both types. By the time I was 35, I was fully aware of where my sadness came from. Some of it is inherent to my personality. I can be melancholy. When my depression lifted, it was like a brand new world. I gave up my old way of hiding behind "being real," when I was actually being cynical. I made the choice to see the positive in as many situations as I possibly could.

It took a while to shift this thinking. I want to say at least five years went by before I realized I was not depressed at all for any length of time. Today, I give myself three days to feel bad, then I'm on to finding a way to make lemonade out of whatever lemons I feel I have been handed.

Depression is awful because it usually hurts the person who is depressed more than anyone else. So many depressed think they are being smart because they see things how they really are, but what makes them depressed is they are unwilling to accept the truth.

Me being a truth seeker helped lift my depression because I want nothing more than to be honest with myself and others. Depression requires that you hold on fast to thoughts and beliefs that keep you spinning and spiraling downward. Depression keeps folk from feeling and living. Depression requires you stay away from most people because folk don't want to see your sad face, or hear your sad story.

I gave up depression for happiness, peace and serenity. Things don't have to go my way. I don't have to be right. I just want peace of mind. Seeing the God in others, making the best out of every situation whether deemed good or bad, right or wrong, that lifts depression. Holding to the knowledge that I was worthy not matter what I did or didn't do also helped me combat depression.

The feeling of unworthiness is the worse. It is hard to breathe when you feel unworthy, let along go about your normal day. I gave depression the boot and now I've got happy feet.

What is My Greatest Challenge?

A while back I found it impossible to really share how I felt because I thought I would be ridiculed by others as I was in my home growing up with a mother who did not respect emotions and feelings. The exposure of ones feelings was laughed at, ridiculed, and completely unaccepted. I was made to feel foolish for feeling.

I had to learn that being vulnerable was not the same as being weak. Now that I am a grown ass woman, I know that my vulnerability is an assest, especially in intimate relationships. During my marriage I laid it all out, I gave my all. I didn't hide anything and did my best not to lie about anything. I wanted to experience intimacy on any level possible.

Throughout my 26 year relationship with my husband I was given many opportunties to be vulnerable. In the beginning, I refused because I was still so sick from being reared in a dysfunctional household. As I matured, and sought realness in my marriage, I saw clearly I had to give what I wanted to have a chance of receiving what I desired.

I can honestly say I have met the challenge of being vulnerable. I am wide open with those close to me. I want to feel life and love. I want to express myself freely and allow others to do the same. Challenge yourself to be open to another today.

What Is My Destiny?

I read somewhere that is was my destiny is to bring others closer to the truth. It says, "Their destiny is to make an impact on others and the world they live in with their spirited determination and no-fuss approach to problem solving."

I agree 100%. When I engage people, I desire to leave something of value with them. People seek me out on a daily basis asking me what I think about this, that and the other. I used to be afraid of the gift of knowledge and discernment God has bestowed upon me, but as I have gotten older, I see why it is as it is. I can handle it. I can detach myself from other people problems, while helping them find solutions at the same time.

I have grown in many ways and one of the most powerful and beneficial is that I no longer take anything personally, unless I get a sense that is really is. I don't allow myself personalize comments, inquiries, etc. that people make. When I was younger, I took everything personally barely able to make it through the day. Always thinking folk were out to hurt me because that is what I experienced at home and at school.

As I became more self-aware and self-assured, I left all that behind. Now, my life is filled with happy times, moments and instances and I can partake in them because I know who I am and am no longer defining myself by the standards others have lain before me.

It is my destiny to be open and honest and to assist others, if I may to better the quality of their lives.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

It's the Most Favorite Time of the Year

This time the year is when folk can't wait to lie to themselves. New Year's resolutions give people the impression they are getting a chance to start over, when in fact they are lying to themselves. They wait until the end of the year to think about doing what they should have done at the beginning of the year.

All we get is one day at a time. The most favorite time of the year should be each day we arise. Each day we get the opportunity to be the people we claim we want to be. Instead, we put off and put off what we claim we want to do most. Oftentimes we use having to do for others as the reason why we can't do for ourselves.

Black women or notorious for wearing themselves completely out. Many times they end up hospitalized before anyone else knows anything was ever wrong with them. Their families rally around saying how she has to take better care of herself. They saw the signs of exhaustion, but as long as she was willing to do what they did not or could not do, they ignored them.

Remember, everyday should be your most favorite time of the year.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

The Closer I Get to Me

These past few months have been life changing. Being in human being mode has been exactly what I have needed. I have been doing for others so long that I could feel my human being screaming out to be loved. I needed to love myself. I needed to be there for myself. I need to stand up for my inner child, love her and shut her up. For years she ruined my life with her impulsive behaviors with food.

Now that I have gotten closer to me, I do not have to use food as a buffer between me and the world. I am completely unafraid to stand up for myself and the woman I want to be. For so long, I ran from my personal power. Like so many victims, I kept wanting to blame someone else, so someone else could fix me.

Oh what a blessing the day I accepted that I was perfect the way I am and that only through self-acceptance would I ever be able to live the full life God has intended. Part of me wants to rush out into the world like a bright-eyed teenager. I really feel like there is nothing I can't do if I put my mind to it. I feel like life is beckoning for me to search out the love I feel I need so that I can give the love I desire to share.

The closer I get to me, the more I see how wonderful of a human being I can be.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

It's Complicated

I am a very complex person. I think a lot. God has tempered me greatly. Now, I can recognize when I'm being too complicated and make adjustments. I like using my mind, thinking and analyzing.

I have been enjoying being alone these past five months. Not having my husband around has given me the time I need to really think about what I want and how to get it. More and more I find myself glad that I made the right choice for me. I didn't even consider how the decision to leave him would effect my children. They are old enough to have their own relationship with him, whether he is in the home or not. And that is exactly what they are doing.

God is getting all the glory. I could not have left him on my own. I felt such an obligation to be "the one" to take care of him. Little did I realize how much he really wants to be away from me. I held him to too high a standard. He was not ready to deal with what I was really offering. He held on because the getting was good. I made life really easy for him.

As complicated as it is, it is really this simple. Self-love is the greatest love of him. I left my husband for me and we are having a great time.