Wednesday, June 30, 2010

What a Difference a Day Makes

My husband and I celebrated our 21st anniversary this past weekend. On Monday, his doctor called to tell him the results of the test he had done on his brain. The doctor's found he is suffering from severe hardening of the arteries and he was told a stroke is inevitable.

He had four strokes in the spring of 2008. The doctors discovered his Basal Artery was 90% blocked along with his major arteries in his neck. A stint was put in his Basal Artery and the strokes stopped. He has been able to function extremely well considering the strokes. Ithink he thought he was cured. Now, he knows differently.

I am glad to know that I geniuningly care about him and that I still plan to do what I can to make whatever time he has left, comfortable. It is amazing how you let go of the petty stuff when life gets real with you. I know he is grateful to have me and I am grateful to be in the right frame of mind to want to be there for him.

You just never know. Live life now!

Sunday, June 27, 2010


I have been legally married for 21 years. Although things have been rocky for the past few months, my husband and I were able to set aside our differences and celebrate the fact we are still together and putting forth effort to remain so, at least for the time being.

I asked what he though was great about our relationship and he said our children. He could not come up with anything else. I told him I'd take his initial answer. He wrote me a sweet letter indicating that he knew we both should have run in the other direction, but he said he would not rather be in any other place.

I believe him. I feel the same way, today.

Thursday, June 24, 2010


It is so ironic. I was the child who never wanted to get married. I didn't even want to have a relationship because I could see how hard they were to sustain. Yet, here I am calling myself Martyr for Marriage and actually meaning it.

I have come to understand the importance of developing relationships and doing our best to maintain them. The marital relationship is particularly of interest to me because outside of the relationship we have with our parents, none is more intimate. Our parents get the chance to see us grow physically and mentally. If you are blessed, you will marry someone who wants you to continue to grow mentally and will help you do just that whether it be literally, or it happens because of the dynamics of the relationship.

I don't think my husband set out to make me better, but he sure did. His desire to himself helped me understand he had the right to be just as I do. As we struggled to learn each other and love each other, I became amazed at how much I had to stretch to allow him to be him. That was exciting for me because the more I let go and let him be who he was, the more I grew into who I was.

I almost want to laugh at how serious I am about doing my part the get the good news out about marriage. I want everyone who wants to be married to feel they can, but I also want them to know they have to be open to being agreeable with and aware of their partners.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Money Can't Buy Me Love

I have very little disposable cash. Sometimes it bothers me, but for the most part I am grateful for what I do have. I'm not trying to be more, have more, or do more. I'm just trying to learn to continously be grateful for what is.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Never Enough

I learned the hard way that as humans we have an insatiable desire for things that are not always in our best interest. I remember wanting to make a certain amount of income to feel successful and able to pay my bills. I actually reached the income goal, only to find out the money still was not enough. I quickly found myself in debt and overwhelmed.

At the time I was heavily into transforming myself, doing things to bring me closer to the middle. Searching for balance. As I contemplated my predicament I recognized it didn't matter how much money I made, I would never be content, satisfied, or happy because it would never be enough.

I, had to become enough before I could realize I didn't need all I was wanting to buy. When I accepted myself, and began to feel like enough; I no longer wanted as much and began to focus on my needs. I was eventually able to let having what I need be enough. It was hard to change my wanting ways, but I did it. I found out real quick that our wants are our enemy.

How many times have you wanted something, got it, only to find you really don't want it. I will venture to say this probably happens a lot, to most of us. It is only when we accept ourselves as being enough that we can then see that what we have is enough.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Remaining True

It is so important to remain true to yourself. So many people give up themselves for others. The deny their needs, but have expectations that others will meet them. You must be true to yourself. If you don't love and take care of you; you can't expect others to do it. It is just not realistic.

What is real is being the most authentic person you can be. Life is much too short to sit and wait for someone else to get it. Other folk are looking out for them. You need to do the same for you.

Monday, June 14, 2010

New Book

Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage: Book Two Tony and Hazel is now available. There are a total of three books in the series so far. We have had great attendance at our relationship forums and look forward to doing much more as the year progresses.

Hazel and I met and found we had something in common. We both were in long-term relationships that were failing, in large part due to our inability to get out of our own way. Each of us, in our own way, was prohibiting our own happiness by taking on too much responsibility in the marriage, judging our husbands, and not allowing the the space they needed to grow.

She had just moved to Louisville from California. I had never seen or heard of her, but our lives were almost parallel. We knew we had to write these books. Our books are not about how to fix the other person. Our books are about helping the individual realize they must know what they want before they can have realistic expectations of others. We can only get what we give. That is the way nature planned it.

I know it seems like others may get more, or have more opportunities, but we all have the same opportunity to learn to love and allow ourselves to be loved. Ultimately, this is what the series is about. The books are about long term marriages and how they couples held them together.

If you are interested in the series, please email me at or


Spit Out the Truth

My mother used to say my father would spit out the truth to tell a lie. There are many people in the world this way. They have no need for the truth so they feel it is okay to lie to others. When you deny yourself reality it is very easy to do the same to someone else.

I pride myself on being a straightforward person. I seldom say I'm honest because I, like others, am not honest all the time. I tend to be honest, but I can be dishonest. Whether honest, or dishonest I'm straightforward. I'm not trying to con, or scam, or misled with my dishonesty. It usually falls under the category of not giving all the information for whatever reason. Not telling everything can be viewed as dishonesty.

But I'm not talking about people who withhold information because it may not be appropriate to speak on at the time, or it may not necessarily concern the person who is inquiring. I'm talking about people who use deception as a way of life. Folk who, like my mother says, would rather spit out the truth to tell a lie.

These people do not care who they hurt. They do not think their lies are harmful and they much rather be dishonest because it will cause conflict and chaos. Some people are not happy unless there is chaos. They'll make stuff up if they have to just to keep mess going. I stay away from these sorts as much as possible.

What kind of person are you?

Thursday, June 10, 2010

You Don't Know Him

One of the biggest problems I have with our gender is when we meet a man we think we want to be with, we begin to think we know him, because we want or desire to be with him. The more time we spend with him, the more we are convinced we have him pegged. When in reality, you never, never, never, really know anyone.

When things came to light about my husband, I found myself scratching my head. Here I was with a man who I had known for over a decade, but in an instant I found out I didn't know jack.
I began to do research on the male psyche and began with reading "Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man," a book written by Sam Keen he is a Theologian and has written several books an the subject.

What I found so facinating was how much I had taken for granted about men based on having absolutely no knowledge of them. Like so many other women I based what I thought I knew on what I knew to be true for me. I had not given any thought to the uniqueness of malesness. There are some very realistic differences between the sexes. After reading this book, I backed all the way up and accepted I was very wrong for assuming I knew what men are like, what they go through, or even what they need.

We need to study long and hard about maleness and stop projecting our femininity on men.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Starting Over

If you have been reading my blogs, then you are aware that my marriage is raggedy. It has all the scares of a very worn 25 year relationship. Our 21st Wedding Anniversary is on June 25th. April of this year marked 25 years we have been involved with each other.

Even with all the chaos, ups and downs, right and wrongs, I must say I am very proud of the fact we have hung in there. Even with the emotional detachment that has occurred over the past few years, I still feel a deep solidarity and commitment to the married. My marriage has served me well. Being committed to the union has allowed me to mature and grow in ways I would not have had I not been married, or even married to the man I chose.

I told my husband if he wanted to mend the relationship we had to start over. He has to pursue me and regain trust. Surprising, he said, "I completely agree." I was shocked. I just knew he would not want to put forth the effort, but I was wrong. Even though we normally go out 3-4 times a month, I am the one who initiates it. Since the emotional divorce, he has been more forthcoming, more attentive, and is really listening. In the past few weeks, I have caught myself being completely surprised by his actions of thoughtfulness, caring, sharing, and listening.

We as women know they hear us, but we also know they aren't listening. He is listening more and it has made a huge difference in how I deal with him.

What I love about being married most is the fact that the two people involved are the masters of their union. They get to decide who's in, who's out. They get to decide whether to hold on or let go. Neither on of us are quitters and we both know how much more enriched our lives have been because we have maintained our union.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


Something has happened. My husband is making some changes. They are small, but consistent. I am waiting and watching.

Nothing has changed for me. I have finally reached the end of my rope, but I am holding on. We will see.