Sunday, July 31, 2011

No Harm, No Foul

I'm done with it. My whole marriage, that is. I'm done with thinking about it, wanting to talk about, or even feel about it.

I was asked, "do you feel like you've been scarred?"

"No, because I have accepted my role in the demise of the marriage. I spent the last seven years repenting and trying to redeem myself for the wrongs I have committed."

This is true. When I filed for divorce back in 2004, I began to look at myself and deal with the problems I presented in the marriage. By doing so, I was able to take more responsibility for the fact it was ended, but I also became more compassionate towards my husband.

I decided I wanted to try to reconcile. I presented the idea to him and he agreed but he didn't really mean it. He has never forgiven me for anything I've done to him even though I have done all I could to right my wrongs.

Now that I am free and in one piece I'm done with all that drama. When I think of him and a negative thought pops in my head, I pray for him and ask God to keep him and guide him. I only think of the good memories, if I allow myself to think about him at all.

Tomorrow, August 1, 2011, begins a new era in my life. My marriage gave me the confidence to be the woman I want to be. I am risk taker, a lover of life, a child of God, and a giver of love. I am at peace and feel blessed to be alive and thankful for the opportunity to learn how to love the hard way.

No harm, no foul, I survived living and sleeping with the devil with a minor scratch. I'm good!

He Hates Me

What I have believed to be true for a few years now, is. My husband hates me. He hates me because I am a better person than he is and he knows it for sure. After 26 years, I have remained basically the same. I have maintained my dignity, personal integrity, and since of loyalty.

I have kept all my promises and have done all I could to right the wrongs I committed during our relationship. He was unable to accept my love and kindness for many reasons, the foremost being because he didn't deserve it.

He hates the fact I don't give up. He hates I have literally achieved every goal I told him I would when we began dating in August of 1985. I've even combated the weight issue and I know that is something he never thought I would do because I was so messes up in the head when it came to food and the effects it had on my body. He just knew I'd be fat and miserable all my life.

He hates me because my kids love me and has tried to turn them against me since we've been apart. This is the biggest tragedy because they know who I am. They have been here all the time too.

I tried desperately to bring him with me on this journey of self-awareness. When I met him I was crazy as hell. I was frightened of the world, depressed and lonely. He loved introducing me to stuff and bringing me out of my shell. He just didn't know how quick of a learning I would be and that I was just waiting for my turn.

As much as he understands love, I believe he has it for me. Yet, he clearly does not like me. To be honest, I'm proud to know he doesn't like me because I ain't about the bullshit and because I am the woman I present myself to be. I ain't fake and he couldn't take the for real, for real.

So Many of Us

So many of us are lost in this life. Not because we have to be, but because when we put forth the half efforts that we do to transform our lives we give up.

My husband gave me the best compliment when he asked me, "Do you ever give up?"

That made me feel triumphant. I knew I had reached him whether it benefited him or not. He knew I didn't give up on him or anything else in my life. So many of us can't make others see who we are because we don't let ourselves see it either. I spent the last 26 years really working on me and it paid off in the long run.

So many of us want others to make us happy. We think by getting married and having kids that everything will fall into place. It does, years after you have built the foundation and have built upon it. Having been in a long-term relationship I can truly say things did get better with time.

If you want things in your life to be different, you have to make it happen. So many of us forget this.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Taking Charge of Your Life

Ever since I've accepted my adult responsibilities, I have chosen not to make excuses and do the best I can with whatever I have at any given moment. I am in control of my life. I recognize this completely and expect little when it comes to help from others. I have a rich life, full of opportunities and adventure.

I am so glad I've learned how to truly live. All my friends are looking at me sideways because they are expecting to see me react as I have in the past. Nothing is the same and I know it. Being separated from my husband is the best thing for both of us. Even though he is seriously ill, I'm not the best person to be his caretaker. He really doesn't like me and now that we are separated he is going all out to get back at me.

The great thing about it is I've been authentic and true throughout the whole time. The people close to me know the truth and that is all that is important. As long as no one is taking control over my life, I am fine. I am in a great spot.

Friday, July 29, 2011

What Single Women Need To Know

We find out too late what our mothers meant when they told us we were too young to know what love means. So many of us rush into relationships with little boys, then when they break our hearts, we hold on to the ache and some carry it for the rest of their lives.

When you are single, there is always going to be a level of a person you are not aware of, especially if they are trying to win you over.

What single women need to know is you don't know men, you have to learn who they are because of their maleness.

Maleness is what causes many women to be turned off by men. Because of our femaleness, which is viewed as the opposite of maleness, we have a hard time relating to them. It is our duty, (as is theirs) to accept the difference and instead of the disrepect, dismissal and sometimes abhoration of the difference, we much embrace it. We do this by asking questions, instead of making assumptions, or going on our intuition. We must read books written by men, about men. But most of all, we must never forget the human component and lead with compassion, understanding and a sense of awe that will lead to joy and a happy relationship.


Marriage and family life were enough for me. It is more than obvious God has something else in store. Even though I enjoyed learning how to be a wife and mother, I am so ready for something else.

The greatest thing about separation is if you are capable of looking at yourself and examining the choices and actions that have gotten you to this point, hindsight, you can figure out what you could have done differently. Whether you would have done it differently doesn't matter as much as being aware that the same choice will present itself, it is at that time you will be challenged with making a different, or the same decision.

We repeat harmful decisions for various reasons. None of which are truly valid, except we did not learn from the consequences of the harmful decisions, or we are making the choice want. I have always been the sort to try to learn from my mistakes and those of others.

Now that I know enough isn't good enough for me, I'm ready for what lies ahead.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Perfect Wife

I wasn't always the perfect wife. I learned how to be the hard way. I was very verbally abusive to my husband for half of our marriage. It would mainly happen if he would disappointment me, disagree with me, or mistreat me. Although I felt justified in being angry at some of the situations and circumstances he found himself in, I could have been more loving in my approach, especially since I do love and care about him.

I have various reasons as to why I was that way. Most of the reason has to do with the lack of control I had over my emotions. My role models for handling conflict were conflictual, so I didn't have a clear understanding of how to deal with uncomfortable, hurtful, or even unexpected situations.

Back in 2004 when I discovered my husband was having an affair, when he asked me if I was going to leave him, my mouth wanted to say yes, but God put it on my heart to say no. When I said no, that began me on a journey of self-awareness so deep it shook my very soul. It was at that moment I began to notice a shift in awareness, understanding and I discovered I lacked compassion for my husband.

I began on my journey of becoming the perfect wife.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

This Time

What makes this time so different than all the other times he has pushed me away? I want to be away. I want to move on with my life and allow him the freedom of not being held to such a high standard by being with me. The way I live my life is too normal for him. He comes from drama and thrives on it.

I'm not a drama queen. Although very dramatic and passionate, I hate chaos and strive for calm and unity in my home. My husband is a peacefaker, and can be a peacebreaker if he is on a selfish jag, which is usually all the time.

This time, at almost 50, I can see my life without him. The other times I couldn't. I knew there was more to learn, more to do and I did it these last seven years. I worked hard on being the best wife and companion. We had made progress in many areas. We didn't argue and was able to spend huge amounts of time with each without incident. We laughed and made love more. We actually spent time holding each other and learning to just be.

It was not enough. It would have never been enough for him. He does not love himself. A few weeks before the end, he would just randomly tell me how he didn't deserve me and that if it weren't for me he wouldn't be alive. All of it seemed like he was evaluating a way to walk.

This time, I'm going to move on and upward. This time is my time!

Even When It Is Right

Sometimes even when what you have to do is right, it still causes you hurt and pain. Although I know for sure, my husband and I being separated is really better for him, it hurts. I wasn't playing a game, or lying to myself and others when I said I loved my husband and was willing to live with and take care of him until death did us part.

Even though that is the right thing to do, trying to do it with the wrong person is extremely difficult. Difficult does not really explain how hard it was to love him. Yet, with the help of our Creator, I was able to. I was able to look at him at times and feel all bubbly inside and actually be thankful for him allowing me to accompany him on his journey.

He couldn't handle the sincerity, the honesty, the unconditional love. It seemed the more pleasant I was, the worse he got. The more I did for him, the less he was willing to accept it. It became more prevalent within the last few months. All of a sudden, he stopped asking for help. He would come and stand over me when he wanted something trying to get my attention. I began to ignore this behavior and even told him at times, "please use your words."

After a while, it began to get annoying, his refusal to ask for what he needed. I had to confront him about it. The look on his face told me I was right, he was deliberately trying to act like he didn't need me. Even when it is right, the thing your doing, it can go wrong.

All my love and care. All the time I spent working on my responses, thinking before I acted, was too much for him. He would mention the changes, but he refused to accept them. He couldn't allow himself to be loved.

He was shocked to discover I was not the woman he had portrayed me to be. He had denied the truth for so long, until he was believing his own warped thoughts. When it was completely revealed that I was not the mean, vindictive, spiteful bitch he always claimed, that made him even madder, because he couldn't realistically be the asshole he wanted to be.

He found away to unleash the asshole and now we are no more. Even when it is right, it can go so wrong.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Blaming the Victim

Our country has always been heavily into blaming the victim. Throughout history people have been taken advantaged of and them blamed for allowing themselves to be taken advantage of.

Folk, especially men folk, love to project their wrongs onto others. Some are masters at this and are unable to accept when they are wrong. They usually have a gift for gab and is able to out talk most people. Not me.

I have found myself in altercations with men because I refuse to play dumb when they come at me with their projection BS. When I call them on some limitation, or wrongdoing, they immediately want to try to tear me down by asking me if I'm married and what kind of husband do I have. Those that do this are obviously used to dealing with women who don't have brains, or are afraid to use them because they know the man can't handle it.

I'm not that kind of woman. I am not about to dumb down for any man, in any situation. I don't need nothing on earth bad enough to make a fool out of myself for the sake of having a man in my life. My husband learned to let me be me and he tried to love me in his own way, which was not love at all, of course. Still, he felt the love coming from me and that turned out to be enough in many ways. So what I usually have something to say, I am a loyal, dedicated woman and who doesn't want that?

Hey, men need to get over themselves. We all come here with a mind and we are expected to use them. Don't hate me cause I know it and ain't scared to show it.

How I Control My Emotions

It will three weeks tomorrow my husband and I have been separated. Yesterday was the first day I cried over the loss of the relationship. Although I know it is for the best, a sadness creeped up yesterday that had me tearing up off and on throughout the day.

I do find it sad that he could not allow himself to be treated well. All the guilt and regret of a life full of bullshit caught up with him and even the thought of being a better person drove him deeper into despair.

When I find myself thinking negative thoughts, I immediately pray, or think of something good, or positive. I control my emotions with my thoughts. I don't go with negative feelings. Instead, I use my head to guide me through the emotional peaks and valleys.

Remembering I am doing well and that things can only get better helps a lot. Unlike other times when we have been separated, I do not feel the longing I used to feel for him. Now, I recognize completely that all I was loving and caring for was a body when I was with him. He was not receptive of it, maybe another body will be.

I control my emotions by first recognizing and accepting where I am at the moment. Then I imagine how I want to feel and work towards making the feelings arise. I quiet my mind and allow positive vibes to flow through me. I accept I am human and that loss is a part of life. I tell myself to believe in tomorrow and leave today without regrets.

I control my emotions, by recognizing I control my emotions.

Sunday, July 24, 2011


Marriage taught me how to be compassionate. Since my husband had such an issue maturing, I had a hard time feeling compassion for him. I felt if I could do it, he could too. I had no compassion for how he was raised, his plight in life, or his limitations. I loved him, so he should be perfect.

Marriage made me look at my perfectionism and rid myself of it. Marriage helped me know that no one is like me and that I should be grateful and spend time working on my problems, finding ways to keep my limitations from holding me back, and doing what I could to grow and become the person I knew I was meant to be.

I had to learn to love my husband where he was, no matter what I thought of it. I had to live and let live.


Marriage taught me to be more open. I was very rigid before I met my husband. Wanting to have a good marriage, I recognized I needed to be more willing to try new things. My husband was very adventurous, so I had to learn how to come out of my comfort zone and allow myself to have fun.

Marriage taught me how to be more fun.


Marriage taught me how to love multiple people in a more efficient way. When my husband and I had our children, I had to learn how to properly divide my time. It wasn't long before I realized how much everyone depended on me.

Being married made me want to figure out how to give everyone their time and keep time for me too. I had to give everyone the love they needed, the way the needed it. Marriaged taught me I could do this.


Marriage taught me I can endure great heartships and still remain calm and capable of thinking. My husband presented me with lots of bullshit throughout the years. In the beginning, when my emotions were our of wack, I would fall apart.

As I grew up, I became more capable of dealing with the disappointments and setbacks. I became creative in my solutions and thus felt more empowered as a person and woman. I began to take on the challenges of day-to-day life with more boldness and ability.

Marriage awakened my warrior!


Marriage taught me the importance of keeping your mouth shut about your relationship. Early in the relationship when I was less emotionally stable, I used to tell people everything. I would cry and complain about my husband to my family and friends, only to find out later that they had no respect for me when I decided I wanted to stay married.

I learned to stop talking to folk. Especially unmarried folk. They don't know and never have anything positive or worthwhile to add.

Don't share your marital problems!


Marriage taught me I knew what I wanted. Even though my husband is a marginal man, being married to him helped me understand the importance of knowing who I wanted. The reasons I was with my husband are clear. He made me feel how I needed to feel.

I learned what it took for me to feel a certain way. Being married helped me figure out what I did and did not want, need and desire. Even as the marriage came to a halt, I was able to make a reliable decision based on what I learned about what I wanted while in the marriage.


Marriage taught me I was extremely loyal. I was dedicated to my marriage and my loyalty was solid. I looked out for my husband's best interest at all cost. I took my role as his wife seriously and made sure I was where I said I would be.

I had a solid routine. I seldom deviated from it and most often let him know if something would be different.

Loyalty is a choice.


Marriage solidified that honesty is the best policy. I can truly say I can't think of a time I have deliberately lied to my husband. Being truthful and honest has always been high on my list of priorities, but in my marriage I made it a habit. I wanted my husband to know I was trustworthy and he did.

He still didn't trust me because he wasn't trustworthy, but that's a different blog. Being honest made everything I did easier. I never had to backtrack, or try to remember a lie.

I do remember a time when my husband told me, "You're too direct."

I knew he had something to hide and hated I wasn't more deceitful like him. At the least, it would have eased some of his guilt.


The second lesson marriage taught me was to not to overstep my bounds. Often women start off running in their marriage. Doing things they never plan to keep up. It feels great in the beginning to do the little extras, but often they are not reciprocated, if not completely taken advantage of.

I learned to do what was needed and if I did do extra, I made sure I did it without any strings attached. I did it because I wanted the pleasure of doing something extra because I could.

Marriage taught me to do the right thing, for the sake of doing the right thing. Let doing right be its own reward.

Friday, July 22, 2011

What Marriage Has Taught Me

The most important lesson I've learned from being married is you must maintain your own identity. Women run from marriage when they realize they don't know who they are. They have spent most of their lives doing for others. Being the point person for others, slowly losing who they are in the process.

The divorce rate is highest amongest the age group between 35-55. These women have did all they could to be the best they could, only to find they were not appreciated and often thought of as obsolete in many ways. As their children prepare to leave home, or no longer need them as much, these women find themselves with husbands they do not know.

The years of going through the motions have left them lost. I figure this out early in my marriage and made it a point not to let the marriage end with regrets. Whether death did us part, or we did, I made sure I maintained my identity.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Why I Am Okay

A friend asked me how I was holding up. Before that question she had talked about the sermon her minister gave regarding being redeemed. I replied to her question, "I am redeemed."

I obeyed God and stayed in my marriage until it was clearly no hope of survival. I encountered was rough patches, but for the most part, I must admit, I did it with ease. I withstood situations, scenarios, and circumstances; that quite frankly would have sent some of the baddest sisters a runnin'. I hung in there.

God promised me, me at the end. I knew I would have my mind, body, and soul intact. I obeyed and now that it is over, I feel transformed. I have learned so much loving someone who was hard to love.

My next few post will be about what I learned during my 26 year relationship with one man.

I am okay because I believed and had faith I would be a victor when all was said and done. There is no loss.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

You Don't Know Me-2

When will folk get it through their head that they don't know other folk. Just because a person has done something a certain way 100's of times doesn't mean they cannot change or choose a different path.

I am running into this regarding my decision to separate from my husband. I can tell folk are waiting for me to be be forgiving and allow my husband to reenter my life. The difference this time makes all the difference in the world. He has displayed a complete unwillingness to live his life. I cannot do that for him. Why should I utilize my energy to keep him alive? All I get is what I have and it is not my responsibility to keep him alive.

He has demonstrated a complete inability to live within the realm of reality. His denial of the severity of his illness has sickened my beyond words. I am not made for despair. I want to live this rich and full life God has provided me with.

So many people, worse off than he have found a way to find create a life worth living. My husband is unwilling to do that. If he could behave the way he did, knowing all he had to lose; so be it.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Ready If I Don't Get to Go

I was ready for the day my husband would do something to push me out of his life. Although I was surprised at how it ended, I wasn't surprised it ended.

I commend him for staying as long as he did and doing as much as he tried to do. He thought he really wanted to be a family man but he was not made out for it. His level of selfishness is too high and his willingness to be a better person is too low. He just couldn't make the cut.

I was committed to the marriage and as long as he was willing to go through the motions, I was too because we both were growing as individuals.

What I didn't do was stop being who I was. I didn't stop living my life. I didn't lose me in the process of being married to him. Even though I was completely involved, I was detached in all the right ways. Now that it is over, the pain that is usually associated with loss is lessened by the reality that I loved him unconditionally, as much as I am humanly possible of and I don't regret a moment of it, but I am glad it is over.

He didn't have what it takes to be civil and decent. He is so institutionalized until he can barely relate on a level that would allow others to really reach him. Although I do believe I touched him him many ways, his abandonment issues would not allow him to let himself be loved. He had to push it away. His illness and my response to it made him feel unworthy of my care taking. He couldn't believe I was not the vindictive, revengeful woman he had painted me out to be.

My loving ways scared him more than if I had been mean and resentful of him. He couldn't handle to constant willingness to forgive and love anyway. It was all too much, so he pushed me away.

The good thing about it all is I'm ready if I don't get to go. I'm prepared for a better life, more opportunities to love and the peace of mind to do so. You don't have to lose you when you lose the one you love.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

My Sonny is Proud

"I'm proud of you mom. You deserve better. You always deserved better."

This is what my son said to me after I asked him how he felt about how I handled his father's decision to remove me from his life. For years he struggled with our relationship. Like most kids who felt their father was not treating their mother right, my son suffered with thinking I was wrong, crazy, a fool, for staying with his dad.

"Since you explained to me that you needed to see the relationship to the end because you knew you would be a better person for it, I fully understood where you were coming from. You were right. You are a better person for going through it to the end. Now you're free."

"If I were upset and crying about him being gone; you would probably feel differently."

The loss of my marriage has been a relief. My son mentioned how the air in the house seemed lighter since the "evil" presence is gone. It is true. My husband has such a mean spirit that it radiates at times and turns everyone in the house off. He was just so miserable with himself. His health issues exposed the true underbelly and not even he could face himself in the end. I was a reflection of all he will never be and I had to go. The constant pressure to be a better person was too much for him.

"Mom, he could have come up with you. He had 26 years to do the right thing."

My Sonny is right. He made his choices and now he has to live with them.

"He needs to be alone. He needs time to think." My Sonny said.

"Sonny, you won't need that kind of time. You know how to love."

My boy has learned a lot. He said he is so glad things went like they did. He is grateful for the education.

"I was wrong in a lot of ways. I put you on too high of a pedestal, but it wasn't hard to make you into an angel when I had such a great representation of the complete opposite."

I always told my kids, you can learn from a bad example just as well a good one. I could have run from man to man as many women do, but I chose to ride this one to the end and I did.

Chronically Ill-13

Lucky 13! This is my last post, for now, regarding my husbands health. I have no idea where he stands as of July 5th, but on that date he had a bleed ulcer on his third toe on his right leg. It will eventually have to be removed. His blood pressure is still a deep issue and he is now taking dialysis.

I did all I could do for him and must admit I am extremely proud of the way I treated him while he was with me. I waited on him hand and foot and made sure he had everything he needed. I did all I could to help him remember his appointments and I went with him to most of them.

I hate to admit it, but he really couldn't stand for me to be so good to him. He knew he was rotten to the core and didn't want to be any different. He freed me from the stress and strain associated with taking care of someone chronically ill. I am most grateful to him for that.

I sincerely would have stayed and seen it to the end, but it was not meant to be. I am not on the same path of self-destruction that he is on. He recognizes that and in his own way he let me go.

Getting Excited!

I feel an unrest I haven't felt in years. I know something wonderful is about to happen and I am so ready. These last three years have been extremely difficult. It has been apparent my husband was not going to forgive me, as I had done for him. The more I put effort towards reconciliation, he'd do something stupid to mess it up.

I did very well overlooking, ignoring and understanding why he was the way he was. I prayed constantly for God to give me the strength to bear the burden and I did. I did it and I did it well. At times I felt as though my husband was doing things just to see if I would quit. He wanted to see me sweat, but he didn't get the pleasure. I was and am cool.

I did what I did in my marriage so God would get the glory. I wanted to prove that God could work through someone like me, independent, opinionated, and headstrong. God softened my heart, helped me learn to utilize my forgiveness button and gave me the peace I needed to follow through with His will.

My husband was jealous of me. He was upset because he couldn't upset me. He couldn't believe I learned to pick my battles, agree to disagree and love him anyway. He couldn't fathom me not leaving him when I found out he had a girlfriend. He couldn't imagine me taking care of him with the care I did when he was most ill. He would often compliment me on how I handled some of the most difficult bullshit I'll ever deal with in my life.

I'm getting excited because I truly thought I'd be responsible for my husband's well-being for the rest of my life. God freed me and not a moment too soon. Many would say I gave my husband the best years of my life. They just don't know. I have yet to experience the best years. All the years up until now have been earning points for the glorious life just ahead. I am so excited and I just can't hide it.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Well Done!

Well done! That's what I do believe God will say to me at the end of my days. Over the last seven years I have spent day and night doing my best to be pleasing to God. When I filed for divorce back in 2004, I was ready to walk away. God had other plans and I heeded His will.

Even though I had expected my efforts to be met with more appreciation, it is knowing that I followed the path God choose for me that is most rewarding. My marriage went down for the third time last week, and did not survive. I did, he did, but it didn't.

The greatest feeling is that of relief. When I thought I was done before, there was always an ache, a longing that tugged at me letting me know it wasn't over. This time, my head is clear. My heart is light and I feel better than I could have ever dreamed of. I know I did what I was supposed to do in my marriage. I showed my husband what resilience, patience, honesty, loyalty, steadfastness, diligence, perseverance, and love of God looks like.

I modeled for him what it means to be a friend, a companion, and a wife. I gave him every opportunity to be the man he promised me he would be. I forgave, said I was sorry, and showed my true feelings. Now, that it is over, I know I've done what I was meant to do.

What I've learned and gotten out of my marriage is immeasurable. I am so much stronger, so much better, and believe in miracles so much deeper. I harbor no ill feelings towards my husband. He only did what he knows best to do and that is to sabotage anything that may actually be good for him. He wasn't ready 26 years ago and he still isn't. I accept it fully and walk away gladly, knowing I will be the better for it.

Sunday, July 10, 2011


If you look at my last post, you will see I was asking for something new and I got it. I have been freed from a burden that was never mine, but because I made a commitment, I was willing to live with it.

God freed me the very next day and now I am well on my way to something new, no matter what it may be.

I feel so blessed. I stayed the course and did what I truly believed God's will was and because of that, I am at peace, even though things didn't turn out the way I would have liked, or even thought they would. I the most I thought my marriage would get better and we'd stay together until one of us died. At the least I thought we'd suffer through, and maintain.

Instead, I was released for all responsibility and freed to go on to something new.

Be on the look out for the full in my upcoming book, Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage: Abigail and Na'bal The Cost of Forgiveness.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Something New

I want something new. I want to do something I haven't done before. I want to move out of Louisville and start over somewhere else. I am ready to go!

Chronically Ill-12

We found out over the weekend that my husband has a tumor on his heart. Although it is not cancerous, it is lethal and will have to be removed.

For the first time, I am feeling completely overwhelmed. And then there is a part of me that is very angry. When I think about how much I tried to get my husband to live a more healthy lifestyle, I just want to slap him.

To know that most of this could have been avoided had he simply exercised and changed his diet is almost too much to bear. Yet, I can't imagine not being there for him when he needs me. I lost my cool and yelled at him during this last episode. I felt embarrassed, but I also understood my own frustrations. He won't let people help him when he needs help the most.

When he is in the hospital he's always trying to do what the nurses should be doing. But when he is feeling fine, he'll ask you to do something for him in a heartbeat. He is so fake. His ego is the only thing that is keeping him alive. He wants to give up so bad he doesn't know what to do. I feel like I should let him. I'm not helping him and he's not helping himself.