Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Thankful for My Strength

I must admit the thing I am amazed at most is the fact I have truly let go of my relationship with my husband. He was messing up our marriage and there was no need for that, especially since it was obvious he didn't really want to participate in the first place.

We have suffered so long throughout the years in our marriage. Now, at the end, what would be the point? I get it that he doesn't get it, or even want it. He wants to be single and he is. The legality of our marriage never stopped him from acting unmarried. It does not matter at this point what he does or does not do because I am gone. I am out of his life.

If he wants to be miserable, he'll have to do it by myself. I've been there and done that way too much long. I want to feel joyous more than anxious. I want to live and love freely, not feel like someone is expecting me to be more than I want to be.

I am strong and capable of making choices that are in my best interest. My husband and I had our time and now it is time to do something else. I am strong enough to face whatever and I will until the day I die.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The True Challenge

This last child of mine is challenging me every day when it comes to going to school. She is super morbidly obese, and yes, that makes things harder for her, but not as hard as they'll be if she was to become bedridden.

I continue to pray for strength, knowing that I have had this challenge before and was able to come through it. She wants to have her way and do what she wants whether it is in her best interest or not. Teenagers!

The true challenge is to not lose my mind, while trying to help her to learn to use hers.

Monday, October 24, 2011

The Good Friend

I have very few friends. The ones I do have are very good though. I think it is because I have demonstrated I am a good friend. I am honest with my friends. I am open to their limitations. I do not criticize. I don't give advice. I make suggestions. I don't try to change, but instead use acceptance as a tool to allow them to grow more into who they really want to be.

The good friend doesn't feel slighted if you can't spend time. They don't have to talk to you to know that all is well. They can accept you need your space and allow you to have it.

My friend list may be small, but it is full of love.

Something New- 3

Well, I am surprising myself. I am really considering dating outside my race when the time comes. I really need to switch some things and I think the type of man I choose is a great start. Although I will always love and adore black men, they don't love me back. They expect too little and expect to give even less. A lot of this is culture based and the type of woman I am does not fit the stereotype many black men are looking to find.

Many men believe because I am overweight my standards are lower. Several have seemed shocked to find I have a healthy dose of self-respect and self-awareness. So many are used to dealing with women who are starving for attention and love. Although I had those issues, they were more than taken care of during my marriage. I have learned to give myself love and attention, therefore I am not starving for someone to do it.

I don't know what I'm doing. I just know I have to do something. I must find a way to be the woman I know I can be to a man and have him semi-appreciate it. I know white men see me as powerful and capable and are less likely to feel intimidated by me because they feel that way too. So many black men choose the dejected route to deal with life and it's struggles. Yes, things are harder for them, still today, but so many avenues have opened up also.

I need the man who can accept my independence and appreciate it, not feel threatened by it. I am ready for something new.

Chronically Ill-16

My husband is now in ICU in Evanston, IL. His 93 old aunt on his father's side died last week and the funeral was this past Saturday. On Sunday, my daughter told me he called to say he was in the hospital.

Later that day, his sister called to tell me he was being moved to ICU, he was bleeding from his rectum, they were planning to removed from his stomach with a tube, his toe may be removed, and his blood pressure is extremely high.

I listened as she talked about how "defiant" he was being and was so glad I am no longer dealing with his shitty attitude. As much as I love and care for him, I refuse to allow him to abuse me in any form or shape, for as long as I live. I have dealt with all I'm dealing with at this point in my life. I am looking for relief, support, and respect. I am not interested in anything else. It is my time and I am taking full advantage of it. He wants to be upset and bitter. I worked all that out. I just done, plain and simple.

Now, his family will get a chance to see how nasty he really is. I will not call, or get involved in any way. I am done with him and his evil ways. Somebody else can take his abuse. I am free. I sincerely hope all goes well for him, but I will not allow myself to be drawn back into his madness. I am so happy being free.

You Just Had to Have It

So often, may it be people or things, we feel like we have to have it/them. Then, when we get what we think we want, we have the nerve to be upset when it is not what we wanted it to be. This happens a lot in relationships. We don't pay attention to the signs, then when we are totally involved, we're looking to get what we thought we would, only to find what we thought is not matching up with what is.

Our level of expectation should be more realistic from the beginning. We need to ask more questions up front. Pay attention to what is being said during conversations and accept what we hear to be true, whether we want to believe it or not. Just because you want something doesn't mean you have to have it. If you do get what you claimed you wanted then you should be willing to deal with what you asked for, whether it comes exactly like you wanted it or not.

If you just had to have it, then you should be willing to accept what comes along with it/them.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

How To Remove Fear

You remove fear with faith. Faith allows you to keep hope alive. Hope keeps you alive. The more alive you feel, the less fear can creep in.

My husband is afraid to really live. He exist and can't understand he is in control of whether he lives a rich life or not.

He is so bitter towards me and it is such a shame. It is only that way because I put a stop to his reign of terror. I won't let him get away with what he's being getting by with. He is scared and childish, a paralyzing combination.

You remove fear by learning to lean on God and not your own understanding. Plain and simple.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Never Say Never

Even though I am willing to see what interracial dating is all about, I still do not believe in it. I am to the point where it doesn't matter anymore. I just want someone who is going to love me and if that happens to be a white man, so be it. I need to be in a loving relationship. That is who I am and how I want to be.

I refuse to settle for less. I a moving forward and I will be loved.

So Free

I feel so free. There is something wonderful and wonder-filled happening to me. I am so glad I hung in there as long as I did with my marriage. I am so grateful I did my time within the marriage. I cleaned my act up and became the type of partner I want to be in a relationship.

It is too bad my husband could not take the good. He only wanted the bad. There are so many people like that. As long as shit is shitty, they are cope. Let some good happen and they are ready to cause a problem.

I have had enough of the the bad times. It is time for the good times and I am going to do all I can to remain, so free.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday

I have lost two very important people within three months. They have left for very different reasons, but they are gone all the same. I am continuously reminded I can only change myself and that I must allow others to live their lives.

Still, I can't help but think about "What if?" I immediately go back to "What is!" That is the only way I can accept what is going on. One relationship is 31 years old and the other 26. Long-term relationships changing can cause one to have a lot of thoughts and I am no different. I know it is for the better that things are the way the are. On a daily basis I feel greater than I have in my life. So, I know God is happy with what is going on, but still, they were important and very close people to me, and now they are gone and most likely for good.

I will talk to them again, but I probably won't spend any true significant time with them as they are both heading for new lives that will not include me. It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

Why Life is Hard

Rapidly approaching the age of 50, I have spent time looking back over my life. I have recognized that during the times I felt most hopeless, it was because I didn't believe in myself. I believed someone else had control over my life and that I was victim, not only of circumstance, but in reality. I felt life was hard and I was defeated.

I have been blessed to be a seeker of knowledge and truth and because of that I do not stay locked in ignorance long. I believe I am capable, so I am. Life has gotten easier. Life will always be hard if you don't love yourself, recognize you are primarily responsible for the creation of your life and that God loves you no matter where you are.

I am so grateful I know God loves me. This fact alone makes life a lot easier to bear. So many of us are downtrodden and unhappy. We know how much we've let ourselves down. This is why we are so upset all the time. We know we're living mediocre lives. We know we are cheating ourselves, thus only faking when we say we give our all to others. Because it is so true that nothing from nothing leaves nothing.

Life is hard because we are not truly giving. Yeah, there are a lot of folk out there helping others, but what are their motives? Time and time again you hear about folk leading double lives. Seeming to be one thing and they are really another. It's amazing.

Life will always be hard until we learn to truly give from the heart. We must strive to more greatly express the Christian values many of us proclaim to uphold. Does your life truly reflect these values, in any way? Ask yourself these questions, be honest with the answers and maybe you'll find out why life is hard.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Why Being Honest With Yourself Is In Your Best Interest

I stayed in my marriage because I didn't want to have any regrets if I should ever have to leave. Now that we are separated, I feel as though the honesty I gave to myself helped me not become bitter. As he revealed who he really was, I did not hide from the fact I loved him anyway. I learned to appreciate his humanity by accepting if God woke him every morning, He had a plan for his life just as He did mine.

The more I used honesty as the method to soothe some of the hurt and disappointment I experienced in my marriage; the better I became at dealing with conflict and inconsistency. I began to look at how confused and unaware I have been throughout my life. I came to understand God uses us in so many ways to reach others.

I can honestly say I am proud of my husband and I. We both came from very dysfunctional homes, yet we put forth great effort to learn to love each other and form a family. It is simply a matter of arrested development and character disorder that keeps my husband from being a better human being. Ironically, he thinks he's getting over. He always does because that is his intention. He does not identify with the God within.

I am honest with myself when I say I had to learn the hard way to allow God to guide my life. Accepting I was a glutton, changed my life. I haven't gained weight in seven years. My weight is something I struggled with for over thirty years. It was a miracle to me I was able to let go of food and grab hold of God. It didn't fully happen until I was completely honest with myself.

Friday, October 14, 2011

The Fastest Week of My Life

My 31 year old daughter is leaving to further her life's journey in Texas. Ironically, I feel so good about the move. I absolutely adore her, but it is time for her to let her pretty wings spread and fly. She is a wonderful young woman. There is no doubt in my mind that she will have a spectacular life. I know she is going to do her best to be the best person she can be.

My daughter is wonderfully giving and caring. This is what I will miss the most. She is my biggest fan. She gives me so much by doing so little. I have been so blessed to have been chosen to bring this great person to the earth. I gladly let her go. I would be wrong to hold on to such a great gem. The world is truly a better place because she has been in it.

I am in awe of her courage to move on and not look back. She has given away most of her possessions. Boy, what a wonderful gift to know for sure your child understands the bigger picture. She really is leaving with the clothes on her back. I am so grateful to God that I have been open and honest with her. Many times she has not liked my methods, but have come to appreciate the great effort I put into rearing her to become independent and a woman.

I wish her well and send with her all my love. You light up my life now go and shine on Texas.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Why Living God's Will Is the Only Way

I have began reading a book titled, Forgotten God. This deals with the very real reality that the Spirit of God has all but left the church as it is today.

Reading this book has clarified so very powerful experiences in my life. I understand better why I was able to follow God's will so easily. It is because I have read the scripture for myself. I understand and believe the promises made by God and I want to receive them, so I chose to develop a deep, loving relationship with Him.

Even though I have had a relationship with God for a long time, being human I was not exempt of falling pray to the world during my twenties. I lacked the confidence and self-awareness needed to stand firm in my beliefs and convictions. Now, knowing me and understanding that all I have is by the grace of God, I seek His guidance consistently, and I believe my life is a true testament to the fact.

I have walked in faith all my life. When I was a kid, there was a girl who picked on my everyday. She would walk behind me and push me in my back all the way home. I never turned around and looked at the crowd that would develop. I folded my arms and endured whatever licks she threw. I now know that I understood even then that God was going to take care of me and that I would be the better person in the end for having the resolve to maintain my cool and walk away.

Now, even more than ever I feel the presence of God in my life. I feel as though there is nothing I cannot do, because I know God has my back and only wants the best for and from me. When God showed me he intended for me to endure my marriage, instead of leave it when I found out my husband had a mistress, at first I couldn't believe it. I even filed for divorce, but I could never go through with it. I felt convicted everytime I even thought about proceeding. I have since come to realize it was because God has so much more for me to do.

I have willing given myself to what I believe is God's purpose for my life. I am open to change, willing to grow and eager to serve. Living God's will really is the only way to truly live.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Why I Would Marry the Same Man Again

My husband taught me a lot during the time of my marriage. I know no one else could have brought the woman out of me the way he was able to. It was because of who he was that drove me to be the best I could in every endeavor.

Watching him run from his potential made me appreciate mine all the more. I was determined to show him that people can grow, change and succeed. Although it didn't matter to him, it surely helped me and I am a better person for it.

I would marry him again if I had it all to do over. Yes, even though the marriage wasn't that great, it helped me develop my greatness. Who could ask for anything more? I am grateful to have had the opportunity to be a part of his journey. Being married to him taught me a lot about human behavior and limitations.

I know God is pleased with my efforts to be the best person I could be. He sent me the man he did to make sure it would happen.

Why Failure Is Not An Option

I have spent the majority of my life trying to be the best I can be. Failure, is not an option for me. I only have this one life and I am going to give it all I have. Failure is the lazy man's way to get sympathy. He refuses to do what he can and falls short because of it.

I know I am capable and willing. All I have to do is do it. It is my time to shine and I will with great appreciation for every opportunity I get.

Failure is not an option!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Why You Can Love; When You Can't Trust

The great thing about love is it does not need any other emotion to survive. Nothing makes love better or worse because love surpasses better or worse. Trust has nothing to do with love either. Trust is about you, not the other person. It is inevitable someone we trust will disappoint us. The more they stay within the parameters of what we expect, we develop what we feel is the ability to trust them. It may be, but we must no lean on the belief it will always be that way.

Each of us have a mission, a person in this life. It is solely our responsibility to recognize, accept, or reject what we have chosen. Whether you know it our not, it is your choices that make up what will become your life, after you are on your own, of course. Most of us are slaves to what others want from us when we are young, but once we become "grown" it is our choices that make or brake us.

I chose the wrong man to marry plain and simple. There is nothing remarkable about that, or surprising. What is remarkable and surprising is I chose to stick with the mistake and let it play itself out because I sincerely felt that was part of my purpose in life. I was so into what was unfolding that when the end came, I was in shock. I was ready and poised to ride it to death did us part.

Even though as I was going through the valley, I would sometimes question whether what I was experiencing was really meant to be forever, I did it anyway. I stayed the coarse, even though I knew I could not trust him.

I could not trust my husband from the day I met him, but I rarely acted like it. I always chose to let it go, to forgive. In the beginning, it would take me months to get to forgiveness. As the years went by, I got to forgiveness much faster, until my forgiveness muscle was rock strong and fully firing. I can forgive immediately now. Without hesitation, you are forgiven, unless I chose not to, of course.

Once I understood, that for me, trust became an issue of how I handled disappointment. That my faith required me to lean on God, not man. What I believe calls for me to do the right thing for the right things sake, not because of what I may/ or may not gain from doing so. You have to love to be able to trust. Trust cannot come before love and when it does the relationship will most definitely not last.

For many, a break in trust is all about them. They rarely take the time to really try to understand why they person is not able to be trustworthy. Most people are not because self-preservation is so strong. People will put you down in a minute, if it means they will gain. We see this time and time again, but do not recognize it for what it truly is. Spiritual warfare! No one really wants to be though of as untrustworthy, but when their soul ain't right, they are libel to do anything. I learned this lesson well with my husband.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Why I Refuse to Apologize

There was a time in my marriage I had a problem apologizing. It was because of false pride and once I worked on that, I was able to accept when I was wrong.

My husband can barely talk to me. He really is projecting his guilt on me and he can't handle that I am unwilling to talk about it period.

The whole thing got started because I asked him to find a better way to talk to me. I was laying down in the bed, my tone was appropriate, as a matter of fact, my voice was so low, he asked me to repeat what I said. When I did, he blew up. That was enough for me, but it just went into the Twilight Zone after that.

He has been steeped in denial for all of the time I have known him. When I sit and think back, the best I can describe our marriage is Judge Judy meets Ike Turner. Wow, what patience and tenacity on my part, but the majority of it was due to faith. I knew there was something great that would come out of my going through what I created, instead of running when it became more than obvious, I was trying to do the right thing with the wrong man.

He knows he is wrong. He just can't face how wrong he is, because I am the only other person involved, I am blamed for his lack of manhood, inability to control his temper, his mean spirit and vindictive heart. I won't play. He needs to get some help. Until I refuse to apologize.

Why Everyday Is Confirmation of Worthiness

So many of us wake everyday feeling as though we have nothing to offer. What we don't realize is we would not be here if it were not something for us to do, to give, to learn. God wants us to accept our place on this earth with a fever that is unmatched by others. We each are worthy of life because of this we must find a way to deal with the day in and day out of life.

I got pregnant when I was seventeen years old. My family was rocked behind this revelation. My mother could barely stand to look at me. To this day, I cannot reconcile with the hypocrisy she displayed. I have seen it all my life, parents spending too much time trying to make their children feel guilty, using shame, beatings, disapproval, distance, silence and negligence to get them in line. When what is needed, is for parents to step up and parent their children so that they won't grow up feeling unworthy.

Feelings of unworthiness begin early for most of us. How we are treated by those closest to us develops our self-esteem. So many in my generation, and most definitely the generations before, have had to struggle with being too light, or too dark, too fat, or too skinny, hair to nappy, hair too straight, too smart, too dumb. We have passed on the tenets of the Willie Syndrome generation after generation. It has only served to fill our children with a sense of unworthiness.

Know that you are worthy no matter how you look, or what you do. You have no control over anyone except yourself. You have no one to answer, except The Creator. You need to trust and believe that everyday you awake and take in a breathe it is confirmation of your worthiness.

Friday, October 7, 2011

It Hurts No Matter How Strong You Are

I couldn't begin to tell you how hard I have worked on my marriage. For it to end the way it has is not only a tragedy, but it is most unfortunate. I was so ready to go the distance and now I find myself having to consider spending time with another man.

I am proud of myself for they way I have handled the situation. I knew when I took the steps I took, there would be no going back. Whether we divorce or not, my husband and I will never be together again. It hurts too much to be around him and see all the ugliness and sin the bliss of love had blinded me from. I don't like looking at in with real eyes. I was happy to be under the delusion that someday he would live up to his potential. Now that it is obvious I am 100% wrong, I cannot handle being in his presence.

He will never be the type of man I need in my life. Looking back over the 26 years hindsight has revealed the truth. He is not a man and does not want the responsibility of being one. He is a leaner, a con artist, character flawed and extremely needy. I could not consider reconciliation without him receiving professional help. Even then, it would be hard to go back.

Yes, i am a strong woman. I have a lot going for me. I am very smart and intelligent and I am proof that it is so true, you can't help who you love.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Making Huge Changes

I am seriously considering changing careers completely. There is so much I need to do and there is no money in Human Services. Even though I'll always do something related, I do think it is time for me to get out of direct care.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

You Really Can't Hurt Me

My husband is so bitter and it is unnecessary. I have not done anything to him, but he insists on trying to use me as the reason why his life is messed up. I have spent a quarter of a century in his corner and he has done little to appreciate it.

Now that we are separated, he wants me to take responsibility for it, when all the time he knows, he brought it on himself. Now, he is trying to hurt me and it will only backfire on him. I have not asked for child support, but I will if I have to. He thinks he run, but he can't. He will need me before I will ever need him. I am moving on passed the bullshit, on to a better way of life.

You really can't hurt me, especially if I don't let you.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Why It is Important to Know Who You Are

There are so many reasons people do not get to know who they are. Some people are taught thinking about themselves, and what they want is being selfish. Unfortunately, for those who have no idea who they are, they are the ones who are easily led. They'll buy just because someone else does, they'll even sell for the same reasons. They spend loads of time thinking about what others think of them, doing all they can to please everyone, not realizing it will never happen.

It is important to know who you are because when you don't life gets increasingly hard to live. You begin to develop resentments because you feel you have no say in your life. To a great degree you don't when you measure your reality through the eyes of others. Knowing who you are is not a cure all, but a true beginning to understanding why you do some of the things you do and don't do.

Self-knowledge is also a gateway to understanding others. We are not really that much different and in the ways that we are, they don't really matter. Male/Female, skin color, eyes, nose, ears, etc. We all have these characteristics, but they minimally impact our lives. How we think, what we do, these are the things that make the difference.

Take time to get to know who you are. Learn to like you, you'll love you.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Why The Man Brain Has Gotten On My Nerves

Yes, I have written many pieces empathizing with men, but this one does not. Men think differently than we do and that is okay. Unfortunately, they are just as confused by the way they think as women are.

I began reading books written by men about men because I recognized I did not understand the "Man brain." During my studies, I became more and more compassionate as I learned many of the things I hated about men the most, were just a part of their natures. Just how they are wired.

This is when I accepted that we are to discover what the other sex is about and not try to assume we know them based on our limited experiences with them, still the man brain gets on my nerves. There ability to compartmentalized their actions gets me the most. This ability is what will allow a man who is "happy," at home, to stray. He can actually rationalize his actions by saying he keeps what he does away from home separate, and that because he does not love the woman, it does not matter. He has the love for his wife in a safe compartment in his mind.

We all know this is unacceptable, but it is true that because they think this way it is okay to act on their thoughts. Compartmentalization can be helpful if used correctly, but all the men I know have used it to be selfish, then justify the selfishness by stating, one act has nothing to do with the other.

Men also seem to experience only two emotions anger and sexual desire. Either they are mad or horny. The in between is rarely visited. For most of them, they don't even out until it is almost too late. By that time, everyone is so used to them not meeting their needs, they are either bitter, or just don't give a damn. What lonely way to live.

The other thing that bothers me is their ability to play stupid. Before they were married, or living with a woman, they didn't have any problem finding their socks, ironing and washing their clothes, feeding themselves, but even the most enlightened brother will take advantage of a woman if she lets them. They'll run her ragged getting beers, looking for lost items, and running errands.

Then, there is the constant ego stroking many of them require. This turned out to be my biggest resentment in my marriage. My husband required way too much ego stroking. I am not the nurturing type, so it has been a huge problem for me for years, even before I fully understood what the problem was. If you have such a massive ego, you need to tend to its maintenance yourself, because usually folk with ego issues have few people who want to be around them.

The man brain is useful, but right now I can do without it.

Why Some Black Men Are So Arrogant

Even the brothers who know that ain't worth a dime, have the never to be arrogant when it comes to dealing with women. They can do this because so many women are desperate for a black man until they will just about put up with anything.

It is sad, but so true. Women have continuously allowed themselved to be dominated by men who are not worthy of them, only to wise up too late and live the rest of their lives bitter and angry.

I truly married my husband based on the belief that he had great potential. 26 years later, I have learned he had just as much potential not to become the man he could and he chose not to. Now, he is left with a bunch of broken promises and no one wants to hear why the promises were never kept. It is too late.

Even my husband, who is clearly not worthy of the family he has, has the nerve to try to bait me into apologizing for something I clearly tried to avoid. He thinks my love for him overrides my sense but it doesn't. Because I love him, I know I have to remain firm in my convictions and move past what "I" think I want and deal with what is.

Until women value themselves whether they have a man or not, they are always going to be push and pulled around. Men will continue to treat women any kind of way until they stand up and say, "I'm good, with or without you," and mean it.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Why Tough Love Is Hard

I know I make look tough love look easy. I've been doing it all my life. The people closest to me are able to handle my ability to give them a real dose of reality, and sincere hope for the future. Yet, you often become the "heavy" when people are not truly ready and willing to deal with reality.

This is currently the case in my marriage. My husband refuses to accept he chose to make the wrong decisions when it came to dealing with me. I had told him weeks prior I would be doing my best to be a kinder person. He agreed that I should, but obviously he felt like he should be able to remain nasty and revengeful.

It is okay, like he said, "Who has lost? Me!"

I will not be disrespected not another day of my life if I have anything to say about it. Don't come to me if you are looking for "sucker love." That ain't my style. My love is real and sincere, honest and forthright. I'll stick with you, as long as you stick with me. I am not going to waste our time with lies and deceit. I have no time for that. Life is much too precious and too short.

I am doing many things the same as I turn 50, but what I won't be taking with me is 48 pounds, a disrespectful husband, the need to control others, and no anger. I am leaving anger to the amateurs of life. I have lived with anger and it kills the soul and hampers relationships.

Whatever my husband has against me, he will have to deal with it on his own. I gave what I knew and did the best with what I learned. That's all!