Moving in the Right Direction

Hindsight truly is 20/20. Being out of my marriage for going on two years has opened my eyes to the reality that we really can lie to ourselves for a long time. I also came to terms with what God was trying to do in my life.

I was in a relationship of my creation. I got out of it what I wanted and a lot of what I didn't want. By the grace of God I survived the whole ordeal, only to have feelings of guilt and despair once it was all over. I didn't want to let go.

I began moving in the right direction once I rid my home of my husband. I had to continue in the direction by removing myself from his life. Due to the fact that we have not family here, and we are still married. When there is an emergency, they call me. I have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is him calling me whenever he needs me. He only calls me when he wants something from me, but let me need him? Well, need I say more.

Now that I am unemployed, one would think he would offer to help with at least our daughter, but he has not offered any assistance at all. Yet, he continues to call me whenever he wants and whatever time he wants and actually expects me to stop what I am doing to be there for him.

Well, I have stopped doing things for him, period. He hasn't taken the hint as he continues to call me to try to get me involved in his life, but I know I must keep moving in the right direction.

I was relieved of my duties as his wife. They are tasks I should have never taken on. I was given a second chance to find true love and happiness and I will not allow myself to be distracted by anyone.

God's Will Be Done

He turned 53 today. God is amazing.

When you look at his life the last five years, you wonder how a person could endure so much. My heart goes out to him, yet I do not want to spend any time with him. I now fully understand why things happened the way they did. God knew I needed to be prepared to handle the inevitable. I was so involved in my relationship with him. I was wanting was badly for us to work. I was trying to force my will. God knew best.

I will always love him, but I will never love him again. I truly wish him well and want only the best for him. If it is what he wants, I hope he does love again. He is someone who needs the opportunity to learn to love.

I believe in love. I believe in marriage.

I Don't Recognize Her

I barely recognize the woman I was when I was active in my marriage. The best I can describe it is to compare myself to Adam Sandler's character in the movie "Click."

I was on auto-pilot. I was reacting most of the time or just doing whatever needed to be done, on top of doing me. i can say that I was working on myself every step of the way. Thank God I was enlightened enough to know I had to be my own person. Had I not been I would most definitely been notorious by now.

It is extremely hard to undo devotion. Devotion is an action word. You can often recognize it through what a person does, how often, and for what reason. Being a devoted person it took me a while to let go of the idea that my husband should be the only man to touch me. While I was married I refrained from doing anything that would make a man think I was interested in him. These last two years have been an extreme blow to my psyche. I have had to let go of all I thought I would have the rest of my life.

I never saw myself without my husband. Had he allowed me I would have loved him up until this day. It was not in God's will for me to continue to live with the level of dishonor and disrespect I encountered during my marriage. My way of dealing with it was to understand he really did not know how to be different and truly did not care to be. For me, it was his lack of spiritual base that truly drove us apart.

This woman knows a man who does not know God, does not know how to love or live. That man cannot give anything of value and he cannot lead a home and will resent the woman should she not let things fail since he is unable to do it. This women is fully aware that a person who is selfish and self-centered has little desire to serve others, as they feel completely entitled to what you have and what they are to receive also. This woman knows a man who does not know how to give, well only take and take and take.

Although my marriage was no where near ideal, it was what we created and I would have liked to see if we could have managed to make it into something better. The answering was a resounding no and I have spent two years relieving myself of a marriage that had long went off track. No, I don't recognize that woman who was willing to give up her life for nothing.

51 and Fabulous

Turning 51 is a true blessing especially since I am healthy and have my mind in tact. Oh yes, there are times when I have thought I would not only not see 50, let alone 51. It is all good. I am on the right track and that is such a marvelous feeling.

I am doing what I love to do in all areas of my life. I feel no hesitation, no regrets, no limits. For the first time in my life, I have no questions. I feel free and capable.

I just want to live and love and love and live. I cannot find the words to express how clear and clean I feel. How I really believe I can do what I truly focus on and work to achieve. I have proven myself to myself and at age 51 I'm feeling good.

Peace, love and soul!

How To Prevent Unwanted Pregnancy

Say what you want to folk are going to have sex. Sex is a natural as breathing, eating, sleeping. Sex is a mush if we are to survive as a human race. Yet, we are still so warped in our thinking about sex until we still have an abundance of unwanted pregnancies.

The way to prevent unwanted pregnancies for teenagers or adults is to help folk figure out what is in their best interest.

Oftentimes parents do not want to talk about sex because of their own hangups. First, parents need to get over themselves and accept their responsibility to protect their children. Protection goes far beyond preaching to them the virtues of abstinence. We all know how far that goes up against nature and it powerful drives.

What is needed is information and open communication. Girls and boys should be taught that sex is a natural and necessary part of human development. Along with this knowledge they should be told they are capable of suppressing these desires, if they so choose. They should be made aware that they have the mental capacity to figure out how a child would impact their immediate future and bee allowed to make the decision whether having a child is in their best interest.

What teen aged girl or boy of average understanding would say they want to interrupt their childhood to take care of a child? Only providing one option, abstinence, is what has gotten us to this place thus far.

We need to share our personal stories with our children. Many do not want to do that for fear of being judged over the revelation that many of them got pregnant before they were ready and were not married. Instead, these parents lay down their law which cannot go up against the law of nature.

We consistently try to fight battles we cannot win with demands and dictates that bear no fruit. Give your teenager the information, help them brainstorm, imagine, and visualize what their lives would be like if they brought a child into the world. The truth is deterrent enough if we would only embrace it.

Our fear of sex is killing us. I heard there are some that are likening providing birth control to teenagers is the equivalent to passing out drug paraphernalia. Really? It is amazing how far folk will go to keep from dealing with reality.

The solution is so simple. Acceptance and education. We need to accept that our children will eventually have sex and educate them properly so they may make good choices when the time comes.

Why I Only Have 18 Posts Thus Far

I have really been living! Things have truly been happening. For a few months my phone was ringing off the hook. I have been doing things and meeting people, but most of all, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

It took to me almost eight months to tell my husband that we would no longer be intimate. I knew that the day we parted, but I didn't tell him. It has been that hard to accept my marriage is over. It has taken me all this time to say what I had to say and not cry throughout the whole process. I still cried at the end, but I got it all out.

It's all there. I know where to go to get the strength to continue to be the best I can be. I have the ability to protect myself and I must accept responsibility for that fact.

I simply haven't posted because I've been too busy living.

Peace

What I Realized

I was watching criminal minds and the father of a murdered girl was talking about how he had accepted that there were things that were out of his control. He said he learned this after the therapist helped him realize he had experienced guilt feelings for not being able to help his daughter.

Suddenly, I had an epiphany. I realized I had experienced some guilt feelings over my decision to not allow my husband access to me. I know what I am cutting off and at this time, when he needs me the most; yes, at times I will see the uneasiness I felt was guilt. There is a part of me that does feel bad about not taking care of him.

I get over it real quick. I gave him plenty of opportunities to step up and be the man worthy of the woman he had. He would make attempts and talk a good game, but he always reverted right back to his old behaviors.

I must be the woman I was born to be. I have said it before and I'll say it again, I may be a sucker, but I choose who does the licking.

My guilt feelings only serve to remind me I am human and how much I really wanted to keep my promise to always be there for him. 26 years was our forever. What's done is done and I'm gone baby gone.

What I Am Going Through

I am experiencing joy everyday. I was asked a very valid question the other day by someone who is interested in getting to know me. My response was literally without a moments hesitation.

"If we were to find we wanted to be together, wouldn't you feel as though you were going against your marriage vows?"

"No, God has truly released me from my marriage. I am free to choose."

Seven months ago you could not have told me that would have come out of my mouth. I have said, and it is true, I was completely committed to my long-term union to the man I married, even though we have been unevenly yoked from the moment we laid eyes on each other.

I stayed the course because I understand that the duties are ours to follow, but the outcome is up to God. I have believe and trusted this all my life. I fully understand that we have to do the work, whether we get what we want in the end or not.

Sad, but true, I needed my marriage to be the woman I am today. I would have never been who I am today, had I not learned how to love, even when I didn't want to. Those folk who have love easy, only reach the Masters level. I have a PhD in loving cause I loved the devil.

I am going through a rapid period of growth. God is helping me strip myself of petty beliefs I was still harboring and that could have held me back in the future. I just experienced something I was sure I never would. It was good, but not right for me. I will continue being open to eradicating myself of the bullshit that keeps me from being the person I can.

What I am going through is amazing to me. God has done me such a wonderful turn. At 50, I almost literally have a clean slate. My children fully understand I plan to make some drastic changes in my lifestyle once my 15 year old is on her way to college. We talk about college everyday. She knows what she has to do.

What I am going through is exhilarating! I feel like I can do anything. I remember how it was just the opposite when I graduated high school. I remember crying to my mentor/friend/cousin Ella Gee, "I don't feel prepared to do anything." Boy, was I wrong. I had given so much thought to the path I wanted to take in life. Had done so much preparation, took advantage of every opportunity that came my way and by the age of 45, I had realized all my personal goals.

Now, at 50 I sit and seek God's will. He gave me what I wanted, which I believe was His will also, but there is something more. I know it.

When You Can't Love Who You Want

I love my husband completely, but I cannot love him actively. His behavior is completely unacceptable to God and to me. He has done all he can to continue to push his family away, but if you talk to him he doesn't understand why no one wants to be around him.

He simply cannot see how nasty and mean he is. He doesn't recognize the disrespect he harbors for those who are close to him. He just can't accept that he is not a good person, at least not to people he claims to love.

Still, I love him dearly, but I am so glad not to be apart of his self-sabotaging lifestyle anymore. It was torture watching him tear down everything we would try to build. To watch him walk all over the love and respect I did try to have for him. To him not give as much as he could to our children.

When you can't love who you want, you really do have to take a step back and be grateful cause sometimes it is a good thing. Not being with him does not keep me from loving him or from praying for him. I will continue to do both as long as I live.

Seven Days Into the New Year

This is my first blog of the new year. My life has been on a roller coaster since right before Christmas and I just got off yesterday. My plumbing backed up two days before Christmas. I had no money for Christmas.

I paid the plumber which left me unable to pay the cable, so it was shut off. Then, two days before New Year's Eve, my furnace goes out. I couldn't believe something else was happening so quickly. It seemed the entire year of 2011 was fraught with one mishap, breakdown, illness, horror, or the other.

After being able to let my refrigerator to, something opened up in me that has heightened my ability to make the best out of bad situations. Instead of becoming upset about the furnace, I brainstormed and thought about electric heating. I remembered when I didn't have a huge gas bill and that was when I was living in apartments heated with electric wall heaters. I did some research and discovered I was correct about the financial savings and made the decision to go electric. I went out and bought good electric heaters and we are all toasty and ready for the next bullshit to crop up. Happy New Year!

Are You a Winner or a Loser?

The winner is always a part of the answer.
The loser is always a part of the problem.
The winner always has a program.
The loser always has an excuse.
The winner says, "Let me do it for you."
The loser says, "That's not my job."
The winner sees an answer for every problem.
The loser sees a problem in every answer.
The winner sees a green near every sand trap.
The loser sees two or three sand traps near every green.
The winner says, "It may be difficult but it's possible."
The loser says, "It may be possible, but it's too difficult."

The choice is yours at any given minute. We were all born to win!

It's the Most Favorite Time of the Year

This time the year is when folk can't wait to lie to themselves. New Year's resolutions give people the impression they are getting a chance to start over, when in fact they are lying to themselves. They wait until the end of the year to think about doing what they should have done at the beginning of the year.

All we get is one day at a time. The most favorite time of the year should be each day we arise. Each day we get the opportunity to be the people we claim we want to be. Instead, we put off and put off what we claim we want to do most. Oftentimes we use having to do for others as the reason why we can't do for ourselves.

Black women or notorious for wearing themselves completely out. Many times they end up hospitalized before anyone else knows anything was ever wrong with them. Their families rally around saying how she has to take better care of herself. They saw the signs of exhaustion, but as long as she was willing to do what they did not or could not do, they ignored them.

Remember, everyday should be your most favorite time of the year.

The Closer I Get to Me

These past few months have been life changing. Being in human being mode has been exactly what I have needed. I have been doing for others so long that I could feel my human being screaming out to be loved. I needed to love myself. I needed to be there for myself. I need to stand up for my inner child, love her and shut her up. For years she ruined my life with her impulsive behaviors with food.

Now that I have gotten closer to me, I do not have to use food as a buffer between me and the world. I am completely unafraid to stand up for myself and the woman I want to be. For so long, I ran from my personal power. Like so many victims, I kept wanting to blame someone else, so someone else could fix me.

Oh what a blessing the day I accepted that I was perfect the way I am and that only through self-acceptance would I ever be able to live the full life God has intended. Part of me wants to rush out into the world like a bright-eyed teenager. I really feel like there is nothing I can't do if I put my mind to it. I feel like life is beckoning for me to search out the love I feel I need so that I can give the love I desire to share.

The closer I get to me, the more I see how wonderful of a human being I can be.

Why I Survived Hell

In many ways, my marriage was hell. I did what so many women do and married my mother, father and child molester. My husband was a great candidate to continue to not give me what I needed most, to be loved.

My parents had some serious issues. They both were keeper's of secrets and deniers of their reality. Even though their intent was to create a home life. They created hell instead. Because they married due to my mother being pregnant with me, I was born into a situation that called for me to be treated badly because I reminded them both of the bad decision they made to have unprotected sex.

I survived the hell of my childhood upbringing, and later a 26 year crazy marriage because I never lost my personal integrity. "Women who love too much have little regard for their personal integrity in a love relationship," according to Robin Norwood, author of the 1986 groundbreaking book, "Women Who Love Too Much."

This book deals with the very true reality that many women who come from dysfunctional homes tend to seek out the same abuse within their love relationships. Even though I entered into my marital relationship seeking the love I did not receive as a child, as I matured, I was able to heal myself because unlike many other women, I held tight to my personal integrity.

My husband would tell me often he was proud of how I never give up on my convictions, beliefs, morals and values. After being together for 20 years, he congratulated me for the fact that I never backed down. I did not (not even under the tremendous pressure he put me under), change or alter what I believed in to try to keep or please him. As a matter of fact, if he got too out of hand, I'd put him out, rather than give an inch when it came to my person integrity.

I survived hell because I stood up to the devil, instead of giving in to the many ways he tried to lure me. My marriage taught me I am strong and capable of great love, especially self-love. I survived hell, because I kept Heaven on my mind.

To Be No One But Myself

I have held fast to the belief that I get a chance to be me just as everyone else. My mother would tell me, "Wanda, I put my feelings in my nightstand drawer every morning I wake up."

She didn't have to brag. It was obvious by her coldness and aloof attitude that she was not in touch with her feelings. Even as a young girl, I knew she sounded crazy to want to disconnect from her feelings. Not unlike so many other women, she was not in control of her emotions, so she tried to hide them.

I refuse to hide the richest part of who I am. My feelings and emotions, although easily changeable, are a great part of who I am and deserve my attention and care just as any other part of me.

To be no one but myself, has always been my desire. I can tell you truly, at almost 50, I got it now. I am me and I don't give a damn who doesn't like it. Peace

Why Failure Is Not An Option

I have spent the majority of my life trying to be the best I can be. Failure, is not an option for me. I only have this one life and I am going to give it all I have. Failure is the lazy man's way to get sympathy. He refuses to do what he can and falls short because of it.

I know I am capable and willing. All I have to do is do it. It is my time to shine and I will with great appreciation for every opportunity I get.

Failure is not an option!

Why It is Important to Know Who You Are

There are so many reasons people do not get to know who they are. Some people are taught thinking about themselves, and what they want is being selfish. Unfortunately, for those who have no idea who they are, they are the ones who are easily led. They'll buy just because someone else does, they'll even sell for the same reasons. They spend loads of time thinking about what others think of them, doing all they can to please everyone, not realizing it will never happen.

It is important to know who you are because when you don't life gets increasingly hard to live. You begin to develop resentments because you feel you have no say in your life. To a great degree you don't when you measure your reality through the eyes of others. Knowing who you are is not a cure all, but a true beginning to understanding why you do some of the things you do and don't do.

Self-knowledge is also a gateway to understanding others. We are not really that much different and in the ways that we are, they don't really matter. Male/Female, skin color, eyes, nose, ears, etc. We all have these characteristics, but they minimally impact our lives. How we think, what we do, these are the things that make the difference.

Take time to get to know who you are. Learn to like you, you'll love you.

Why The Man Brain Has Gotten On My Nerves

Yes, I have written many pieces empathizing with men, but this one does not. Men think differently than we do and that is okay. Unfortunately, they are just as confused by the way they think as women are.

I began reading books written by men about men because I recognized I did not understand the "Man brain." During my studies, I became more and more compassionate as I learned many of the things I hated about men the most, were just a part of their natures. Just how they are wired.

This is when I accepted that we are to discover what the other sex is about and not try to assume we know them based on our limited experiences with them, still the man brain gets on my nerves. There ability to compartmentalized their actions gets me the most. This ability is what will allow a man who is "happy," at home, to stray. He can actually rationalize his actions by saying he keeps what he does away from home separate, and that because he does not love the woman, it does not matter. He has the love for his wife in a safe compartment in his mind.

We all know this is unacceptable, but it is true that because they think this way it is okay to act on their thoughts. Compartmentalization can be helpful if used correctly, but all the men I know have used it to be selfish, then justify the selfishness by stating, one act has nothing to do with the other.

Men also seem to experience only two emotions anger and sexual desire. Either they are mad or horny. The in between is rarely visited. For most of them, they don't even out until it is almost too late. By that time, everyone is so used to them not meeting their needs, they are either bitter, or just don't give a damn. What lonely way to live.

The other thing that bothers me is their ability to play stupid. Before they were married, or living with a woman, they didn't have any problem finding their socks, ironing and washing their clothes, feeding themselves, but even the most enlightened brother will take advantage of a woman if she lets them. They'll run her ragged getting beers, looking for lost items, and running errands.

Then, there is the constant ego stroking many of them require. This turned out to be my biggest resentment in my marriage. My husband required way too much ego stroking. I am not the nurturing type, so it has been a huge problem for me for years, even before I fully understood what the problem was. If you have such a massive ego, you need to tend to its maintenance yourself, because usually folk with ego issues have few people who want to be around them.

The man brain is useful, but right now I can do without it.

Why Tough Love Is Hard

I know I make look tough love look easy. I've been doing it all my life. The people closest to me are able to handle my ability to give them a real dose of reality, and sincere hope for the future. Yet, you often become the "heavy" when people are not truly ready and willing to deal with reality.

This is currently the case in my marriage. My husband refuses to accept he chose to make the wrong decisions when it came to dealing with me. I had told him weeks prior I would be doing my best to be a kinder person. He agreed that I should, but obviously he felt like he should be able to remain nasty and revengeful.

It is okay, like he said, "Who has lost? Me!"

I will not be disrespected not another day of my life if I have anything to say about it. Don't come to me if you are looking for "sucker love." That ain't my style. My love is real and sincere, honest and forthright. I'll stick with you, as long as you stick with me. I am not going to waste our time with lies and deceit. I have no time for that. Life is much too precious and too short.

I am doing many things the same as I turn 50, but what I won't be taking with me is 48 pounds, a disrespectful husband, the need to control others, and no anger. I am leaving anger to the amateurs of life. I have lived with anger and it kills the soul and hampers relationships.

Whatever my husband has against me, he will have to deal with it on his own. I gave what I knew and did the best with what I learned. That's all!

September

September has been a freeing month. I have come to terms with some very real personal issues. I have accepted my marriage will not end the way I had hoped. I know my husband and I did our best. We stayed together for a long time because of our disbelief in divorce, but what we hadn't explored was the reality that we don't have to live together to be married.

We can still do what is needed and not live in the same house. Our kids are not babies anymore. They now how to ask for what they need.

September 2011 will become significant for me because I really did some good soulwork this month. I stayed on track and did the right thing.

God is the light of my life.