Wednesday, December 30, 2009

You Just Never Know

Unfortunately, when we meet men we tend to want to change them. We somehow think we know what is best for them, even though they had been living their lives at least 20 years before we met them. Yet in still, we know what is right for them.

When they reject our desire to run their lives, we are insulted and often exclaim, "I was only trying to help you out." Did they ask? Did we ask? No, we don't ask because we think we know.

We think we know because we have played scenarios over in our heads, but forget the man was not there in our heads. Then we expect them to be able to read our minds, because we feel we read theirs, when in reality what we have done is scrutinized, analyzed, and often spied to get the information we do have about them.

I am here to tell you that you just never know. You really don't. Even when you think you know, you most often don't. At this point in my life, I am at the phase of live and let live. I have come to know what I know most is that I know nothing. I have become an open vessel, waiting for life's next lesson.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Ready or Not

Ready or not, it is time we begin to heal our relationships. As we can see, life and death are random. There truly is no set standard for either. The young die as well as the old. Disease does not have to be a factor. If you are alive, you will surely die.

With that said, what about being ready to live? What about giving all you've got to the good fight? Our kids deserve it. Our country needs it. We must hang in there and do all we can to relate, relax, and release.

Ready or not, it is time we take a stand for marriage.

Monday, December 28, 2009


Being open in our relationships allows others to feel free to approach us with issues. Unfortunately, no one wants to hear something is wrong with a certain aspect of what they represent to others. No one wants to know that their spouse may not be as enthusiastic as they once were about the union.

We all have issues and faults that others may need to bring to our attention to be able to function in a relationship with us. We must be willing to be open and accept that something needs to be said and we need to hear it. Whether we agree with it or not, if we want our spouses to be honest with us, we have to be open.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

So Long

I was married 20 1/2 years on December 25th. Unfortunately, longevity doesn't necessarily mean perfect. Even though I'm committed to the marriage, commitment to the relationship is a little harder. By that I mean, the day-to-day relationship issues. Some things become obvious that they are not going to change and you really do have to make up your mind what you are going to address.

After 20 1/2, some subjects really do get old. That's when love does not fail, if it is at the core of the union. Love allows us to look over, let slide, put on the back burner, or we may feel really generous and ignore the infraction all together.

The next time the marriage gets a boo boo, put some love on it.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Married Christmas

This has been a rough year for families. We have all done our best to hold things together. To all the couples who wanted to let go and didn't, bravo. To those who feel they had no other choice, if you have children, I wish you well.

We are only mandated to love one another. This is what we must remember. Especially when our spouses try us. We must fall back on love and let it be the balm used to soothe our aches and pains.

It is not easy to be married, but the benefit is undeniable when you put forth the effort needed to help it work.

I sincerely hope all is well with you and yours a marvelous Christmas Day!


Thursday, December 24, 2009

Glad I Ain't Looking

It's getting cold out and there is the usual scramble for those who have no one to find someone to snuggle with on those long winter nights. Well, let me be the first to say I'm glad I'm not looking. I live in the land of the misunderstood. I was reluctant to do this blog thing because people seem to add stuff to whatever I say or write.

It already happened. There was a man following my blog and I simply wrote him and asked him whyhe was following me. I didn't ask because I was upset or didn't want him to follow, I was actually fishing for a compliment. Instead, he took his picture off my followers list.

I was shocked, then again, I wasn't. People are so sensitive and they react without clarification. You just have to accept that even those who proclaim to be stable can act unstable sometimes.

Like I said, I'm glad I'm not looking. If my marriage was to come to an end today, I still wouldn't be looking. I would most definitely let him find me because as soon as I open my mouth, he'll be ready to go. You know what? Anyway the wind blows is cool with me. I've done my time, paid my dues, went to school, been school and learned well.

The little things, that is what I love about being married.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Obamas

I saw the first couple on Oprah last night. Oprah asked them how the appointment has affected their marriage and you could tell they are basically the same. They are a very cerebral couple. Good for them.

The First Lady talked about liking her husband. Yes, it would be a perk to like your mate, but most often it is really hard. This is the person who you see at the worse. You know things about them others may never know. You learn things you don't want to know.

For me, what saved my marriage wasn't the fact that my husband was my friend, as much as it was the unconditional love I was able to develop over the years. The more I loved him it seemed the less I liked him. I soon became convinced he would much rather I love him, whether I liked him or not.

He doesn't like me either. I'm everything he wants to be and just can't seem to muster up to decency to rise to the occasion. No, if I weren't married to him, I probably wouldn't even speak to him. We have talked about this fact many times. This is why we are so convinced there is something very divine about our union. Soul mates as he likes to say.

I have had to agree. It can only be something greater than me that keeps me thinking lovingly about the man I'm married to. I am convinced I'm married to the right man. I also believe I must have done something terribly wrong in another life.

But I got it this time. I learned my lesson and that is to love whether I like it or not.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I'm So Mean

Not really. Romance has made it impossible for most straightforward, genuine, honest, grounded people to get a far shake. We often have to settle because there are as many closet romance nuts, as there are romance nuts.

Needless to say, I'm married to a romance nut. When we first met, I was more into romance than I knew. I made a lot of romantic gestures, not fully understanding they were romantic gestures. What I knew of love came from songs, TV, movies, books, magazines. I cannot think of one couple throughout my childhood who I recognized loved each other. I saw a lot of lopsided unions, unions of convenience, shotgun unions, etc., but I really cannot think of one couple I looked at and thought, "They are in love."

Some of the reason may be generational, I grew up with parents who were socialized during the 40's and 50's. Neither of them knew what it meant to truly love a mate. I saw the women in my uncles lives act like Bella of the Twilight Series giving up their lives for the men they chose to love.

All of them used romance in some form to cope with the lack of romance and love in their lives. Soup Operas, love songs, girl talk, etc. I remember thinking I would never be like the women who would complain about their lives while my mother coiffured their hair. Many of them agonized over the choices they made and made everyone around the miserable because they no longer felt loved.

I get turned on by thoughtfulness in any form. I am excited when my husband remembers I like lemonade. I love it when he says my name, or when he looks at me as though he's seen me for the first time.

I guess what I am saying is romance cost so much and usually isn't considered romance if you don't pay something. Love? Don't cost a thang!

On Romance

Romance is the murderer of marriages. Marriage can never live up to the promise romance brings. Marriage is real, romance is for whimps. Romance is for those who want to do a whole lot, yet receive so little in return. Marriage offers stability and longevity, while romance only ask, "What have you done for me lately?"

I am a rock. I'm the type of woman you don't have tell you love her all the time, but would much rather have the small jestures that ultimately mean the most at the end of the day. A smile, a simple touch, a certain glance, or other things like helping with dinner, cleaning the house, or shopping for groceries.

I don't care he ever lights a candle if he pays the electric bill every month. I don't care if he ever feeds me grapes, if he buys them, I can feed myself.

If you really want to know what I think about romance for real, for real, read Robert Johnson's WE. This book changed my life.

We want too much of what we don't need, and most often don't want what we need.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Marriage TKO

Marriage has done nothing to us. We are the one who give marriage a bad name. And it is too bad too, because marriage can be such a wonderful experience. I truly recognize I have been blessed to have the heart and mind to go through with what I started. Yes, I asked my husband to marry me. I felt I deep connection to him on many levels.

I clung to the belief and still do that feelings, especially in personal relationships count very much. I had feelings for him, with him, because of him and I desired to feel they way he makes me feel, forever.

All the stirring of emotion and sorting out of where to place the blame led me to see we were giving marriage a black eye. We weren't really giving marriage a chance. We were too busy trying to get our individual needs met, without giving thought to our vow to take care of the other.

It is my desire to change the paradigm of negative talk against marriage. Even as negative as my marriage has been, and is at times, there is so much beauty and worthiness. My husband and I are worthy of praise for our diligent quest to better understand what keeps us together and to make every effort to model getting along and caring for one another, especially in time of need.

And this is one of those times. Being disabled at such a young age, my husband is even more self-centered and aloof, but for some reason, I really have compassion for him, because I do not know if I could be as strong as he is during his time of weakness. Just his staying here with me has me in awe. I rarely let up and his illnesses would quickly become excuses if I did, so I don't. I take care of him, help, feed him, whatever it takes, but when he comes at me with the dumb s**t, well, let's just say he usually wishes he felt good enough to walk out the door like he would do before the strokes. Oh well, there is always a price to pay.

I changed first. I became to him who I wanted him to be to me. He is modeling, slowly, but he's modeling.

What's most important? Our kids are getting a chance to see real time communication between two people who are committed to making the best out what they have built together.

Live Your Life

I got bamboosled into looking at the movie New Moon. It wasn't long before I was hit with the truth about the movie. It is just another jacked up romance story sucking the life out of love.

The main female character is a throwback from a time that never should have been. She seemed to be an independant sort, but all it took was a display of manly prowess and off she was in love with someone who could not risk loving her. He left her and she lost what little identity she had, then turned to the next unavailable man to lick her wounds.

It made me sick.

Please women, learn to live your life before you are so willing to turn it over to someone else.

Sunday, December 20, 2009


The strangest thing happens when you learn to live for today. Tomorrow seems so far away because your realize there is so much to do today.


Saturday, December 19, 2009

So Amazing

Once I did get married, a lot of things changed for me. Suddenly, I really wanted to be married and I wanted to be the best mother I could be. I wanted and I wanted. Like so many of us, once I got what I wanted, I remembered why I didn't want it, or maybe should not have wanted it.

When I hit the wall my mother and so many other mothers hit, instead of becomeing bitter and resentful that I had given too much of me, I took me back from those who did not deserve me, I didn't associate with anyone who did not honor me, and I claimed who I was and began to search for the I AM.

I recently went on and took their profile. Yes, I am married. I didn't join. I just to the free profile because I was curious to know what a standardized test would say about me. I answered all the questions quickly and honestly. I told the truth and when I got to a question that made me question, I questioned and gave my answer.

The results? Agreeableness Taking care of others or taking care of yourself. I must admit, I was a little shocked. I know how crazy I can be, but it seems, I'm crazy in a balanced sort of way. Translated that means, I'll only curse you out if it is necessary.

It said: "You are best described as:" Taking care of others and taking care of youself.

It is so amazing when you learn how to do that. Take care of yourself that is. We all know too well how to take care of others, but what many of us have yet to learn is how to take care of ourselves. Self-love truly is the greatest love of all. Learning to love yourself is a huge, huge thing.

As I read through this assessment, I had flashbacks of when I was mean, lonely, depressed, vindictive, overly sensitive, and desperately seeking the love of another. It was absolutely so amazing when I found out that loving myself would make other want to love me. Well, almost.
Most people cannot stand to be around me because I am direct and open something many women lack.

The profile said of my openness, "You are a very creative and imaginative person who is especially open to new ideas or new ways of thinking about old problems. This is what I discovered about myself that made me decide to be a relationship coach.

"Becaue you are so curious you can also be very teachable." People miss this about me because of my strong personality. They get so caught up in trying to get me to say something in another way, until they miss the brillance of the interaction with me. I am open and willing to learning from you as well, and I will accept your tutaledge in the manner you can best express it. Others rarely give me this consideration. This is one aspect that has kept my husband and me apart. He really wants to change me. He somehow can't believe a person should be as direct and transparent. He is always questioning my motives and rarely accepts anything I ask or say without questioning it. Yet, he would lay down his life for me because he knows I'm just that legit. I submit it is his knowledge of who he is and how he deals with the world that have tainted his belief that people can be really and really mean what they say. Even after twenty-five years of me modeling the fact, his lack of self-awareness, understanding of human nature, and I would venture to say sociopathic tendicies, won't let him see what is right before his eyes. He is constently in my prayers.

Anyway, the profile goes on to say just what I just said, "Not everyone will be thrilled by your adventerous mind. Many people are content with the ideas that have served them and their culture well, and with visions they've grown accustomed to of what is and is not true. They're not lit up at the prospect of moving out of their comfort zone. Others are afraid of new ways of thinking and creative ways of solving problems because they are somewhat fragile in the sense that htey have trouble maintaining serenity in their current worlds and don't want someone, like you, for instance, pushing out the edges of their intellectual and cultural cosmos."

Emotional Stability

This is why I really took the test. I wanted to see what it would say about my emotional state. I'm going through a lot and always have. My life has been one test after another. The only break I've ever had was when I was a child, and that only minused the financial responsibility, which is where most of my stress comes from as an adult. I am a writer trying to make it "my way." We all know doing that takes time and patience. I have it, the people around me don't. So they get frustrated because of the way we live, "when I could be making more money." I've made more money. It is not the answer, not if I have to make it for someone else and the cut me off what they say what I do is worth. I'd rather scratch.

What they say about my emotional stability. Responsive
"Your emotions are closer to the surface, and your feelings more obvious to you than in the case with most people. You've got your life in a good lace, your dominant mood is upbeat, and unlesslife has been particularly trying for you, you greatly enjoy the richness and intensity of life that being so open with your emotions brings you."

Wow! This is exactly how I feel most of the time. I was so amazed at how right on this profile was and proud of myself for working on myself to this point.

I'll continue: "Undoubtedly you have met some people who get uncomfortable being around you becaue your feelings are so close to the surface. They may keep a bit of distance, especially around any subject that might trigger an emotional topic they are uncomfortable with. Over time, they might even stay away from you more and more. You will find you have decisions to make, do you temper you style for their comfort or do you hope they will find ways to become more comfortable with emotional expressions? Given the richness that seems to stem from your emotional life the most meaningful respons is probably very apparent to you."

You guessed it. I don't have many friends or associates. People have a very hard being around me, for various reasons, but they all stem from the richness of my emotions. My authentic style often threatens young women in their 20's. Many of them freshly on their own thinking they are grown, then they meet me and feel intimidated. It is such a waste of time. So, how do I handle it, I listen and encourage everyone to find self-love.

What has kept me married?
"You are a cherished companion for those friends who can handle emotions well. They will appreciate the candor with which you express even difficult feelings like anger and fear. Your openness will make intimate conversations even more intimate, andmake the connections between you as friends deeper and stronger. Some people who have trouble expressing their feelings might tind in you a good example of how to be more vulnerable and more open. Your willingness and ability to share your emotions could encourage them to share theirs, and invite them into ways of being friends that will help enrich their lives."

Isn't it amazing! So amazing! When you affirm yourself, things around you seem to also. In closing, it also said I was conscientious, focused or flexible.

I forgot about this. I was really surprised the test picked up on this:"Lucky you! You enjoy your own company as much as you enjoy the company of others." It said I'm can be outgoing or reserved. Which explains why reading and writing are favorite things to do, just as much as dancing, acting in plays, and going to concerts.

Friday, December 18, 2009


I had someone ask me, "Why did you write this?" after reading book one in the series Get Out of the Way! Claim god's Will for Your Marriage. He could not imagine why I would want anyone to know the things I have revealed in the books. By no means is it really my choice to do so, as much as it is my purpose, one of the many reasons I live.

I have been given a fearless heart and a willing soul. I have no reservations about letting God use my life. There is not much else I would do with it. It is because of this burning inside me to maintain a relationship with my mostly estranged husband, that includes us remaining in the same household, that keeps me intrigued, that really wants to know if we can do it. Can we be civil, even loving? Can we sleep together, each knowing how far apart we really are, except in one area, parenting.

It took me a while to figure out what I really wanted when I got married. I remember clearly telling my mother I would never have children, or get married. I was nine years old. By then, I had grown tired of the strained look on my mothers face. It didn't take me long to figure out it was the husband, the kids, and her trying to live her life. I didn't want to work so hard. I didn't want the emotional aspects. I didn't want.

Then the era of AIDS hit. I was devastated. I could no longer feel free to love freely. I decided I wanted to marry. Once I made that decision, I realized I was young and would probably meet someone who would want children. When I met my husband, we talked about our expectations. He had very few and so did I, but the one area where we both had very definite ideas about what we wanted had to do with parenting.

I am so amazed how right we got it. No, we haven't been perfect parents by any means, and yet we have somehow raised the perfect children. Yeah, our daughter is 13 and over 300 pounds, but we have learned through trial and error the proper foods and ways to prepare it to help her her balance out some from the effects of diabetes, sleep apnea, asthma, and food addiction. Even with all her help problems, she is a bubbly, happy, girl, who wants to be an entertainer. She sings in chorus and a church choir. She loves the read and has read all the Twilight books three times. She is very diplomatic and manner able. She is precious.

My Sonny? He is 18 and a very handsome young man. He is choosing to be lazy in many ways and I am giving him his space. He is also prone to develop diabetes and refuses to cut back on the carbs, sugar, etc. He is a smart kid that listens to his mother. Get this, he has my name tattooed on his forearm. I was blown away. I couldn't believe it. He said, "Mom, you were always there for me." I wrote a book for my Sonny title You Can Be. I wanted him to have something to hold on to when I'm gone from this world.

We did good, my husband and me. We were able to keep it together for 20 years. On December the 25th it will be 20.5 years. I wonder if we will make it to 21?

Michelle Obama

I am so proud of our First Lady Michelle Obama. After viewing some of the interviews she did during the campaign, I was struck by her admission that she had thought about leaving President Obama (before he was president).

Her reason was all too familiar. The road he was taking did not match up with that she had in her head. She was looking for a man who was going to come home for dinner every night. She wasn't too sure about the running for President thing either, but she hung in their. She got to have her prince.

So many of us miss our blessing because the road to married bliss in our heads, does not match up with that of our spouses. This can be for various reasons, but most often because we do not communicate our thoughts, wants, and needs. Or, when we do, we do not do so in an appropriate manner.

Whatever led First Lady Obama to the right conclusion, only she knows. I know I am glad she was able to get out of the way and claim God's will for her marriage and herself to be loved by her man, and now her country.

Tiger by the Tail

Last night I had a talk with a 26 year old young woman with a four year old son. She was looking at the first book in the series Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage! She began to talk about "we", so I questioned if there was a man in her life. Not only did she not have a man, she didn't have the prospect of one. This set me off and began what ended up with me bombarding her with information, which surprisingly, she was able to absorb.

Yes, I get very passionate when it comes to marriage. A lot of the reason stems from the reality that woman have been getting away with too much for too long. Some of our behaviors getting pregnant to get a man, getting pregnant to keep a man, lying about being pregnant, purposely breaking up homes, making up imaginary scenarios, expecting men to read our minds, lying to ourselves about who we are, having misguided, outdated, and never true beliefs. The list could go on and on.

I am not here to bagger, or belittle. I want to uplift women and help men understand they need to step up if they want to stay married. This whole thing with Tiger Woods is a prime example of why our marriages fail. Many of us are not mature enough to get married. My God Tiger, what more do you want? You had the blondest, bluest eyed wife, who looked great in a bikini. You have a billion dollars. You are the best at your chosen profession. What is missing that would allow you to jeapordize it all, for meaningless sex?

It happens everyday. I submit our men are hurting just as much as we are. Women, it is time we recognize their sensitive side and encourage them to be vulnerable with us. Men, instead of seeking comfort outside the home, give your spouse a chance. Teach us how to love you and we will do the same.