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Peace

Here We Go

I am completely ready for 2011. I already know what I need to do. I will continue to work on my latest book, BFI: Black Female Intellectual, I am also working on a book with my daughter, Maia. I plan to seek writing positions and be writing full time by the end of 2011.

I will continue to take care of my husband and family.

The biggest challenge? I need to shed 50 pounds in 2011.

I am ready.

Peace

The Last Hour of 2010

It is quiet, for right now. They have been shooting in my neighborhood for since 9 p.m. Some of the guns sound like cannons. My husband lay on our bedroom floor in pain and moaning and praying for God to help him. He has been like this for over a week.

He fell out of the chair and began to shake. I covered him with the comforter. He laid there and moaned and cried out and asking why this was happening. Then he stopped and had a blank stair on his face. I yelled for my daughter to call 911. He got very loud and yelled, "No, I ain't going to no hospital. They don't do nothing for me."

"What about us, Jerome?"

"I'm alright baby." He said trying to really sound like he wasn't in pain.

I have no idea why he is torturing himself. I truly don't understand it. He has literally been vomiting for days. He makes gut wrenching sounds that go all through the house, turning every one's stomach. He has everyone taking care of him, helping him off the floor when he falls out, bringing him water, etc.

We all love him, but it is really hard to watch do this to himself. He is convinced he is going to die if he begins dialysis. The pain seems tremendous. I am so conflicted. He gets so angry and argues when I try to convince him to go to the hospital. I don't believe in sitting back and letting others hurt themselves. I'd hate to have to take drastic measures, but I will to save his life.

Even though this is going on, I am still happy and feeling joyous. I have been blessed with the knowledge that I am in control of my feelings and emotions, and although sad, I cannot allow what is going on with my husband to hinder me from enjoying the ride. In this last hour of 2010, I want peace and love. I just hugged my son, who is 19 and made the choice to be at home during this time. Many young men his age are out in the street, or at someones house, or club. He chose to be home. I thanked him for making the right decision.

My youngest is in her room listening to Justin Bieber. My oldest is in her room on the Internet. I am spilling my guts and my husband is throwing up his. We are all together.

I will leave so much behind with this year. I have made quantum leaps in many areas that were holding me back. I am free and at peace. It seriously amazes me at how much I have changed in regards to what I want and think I need. Last night I rocked my husband to sleep twice. He cooed like a newborn, and I felt useful. It blessed me to know my touch soothed him and I felt pleased with myself to know I genuinely wanted to take care of him.

Things could be so different, especially with all we have been through. I could be bitter and hateful. I could take advantage of his weakness and be mean to him and brutal, but I have chosen to love. I am more amazed by this revelation than anyone could imagine. You couldn't have told me that I would have chosen to love someone who has treated me as poorly as he has.

I have worked on myself. I have given myself what I need to be the woman God wants me to be. I am doing what I need to do for me, so my heart is not heavy. I carry no shame, no guilt, no burden that is not my own. I live to learn to love completely and totally just because I can. In this last hour of 2010, I plan to love the new year in.

I Knew It

If you have been following me, you know I have been saying that something needed to change, that this is my time, that I was in a waiting pattern, holding on, having faith, and believing. I am at this place. Another apocalypse, (revelation) has happened in my life. I knew I was right to believe in my marriage and to hold on to it no matter how bad it got. What I didn't know was how bad it could get, or that we would be experiencing the horrid torture of chronic illness.

My husband has been suffering for weeks now. I can barely stand to watch, yet something has brightened my perspective. It has come in the form of validation and 25 years of being open to what life has offer.

I knew it. I knew all I had to do was continue to believe what I always have, prayer works.

Support

I was coaching a woman and she looked at me and said, "Who coaches you? Where do you go for advice?" I looked at her and told her truthfully, "I lean on prayer, intuition, and very few friends."

I have never really had the type of support I've needed. That is one of the downfalls of being strong and capable, people are not apt to see you as someone who needs some help, or guidance. All guidance I have gotten, I have had to seek it out. I have two people in my life that support me greatly. One is a high powered professional always doing her thang, the other is a co-worker who turned out to be someone I could trust with my friendship.

Both these women have strong opinions and are level headed, but most importantly they get me to a great degree, and what they don't get, they wait for it to be revealed, or they just accept me for who I am. I find this to be rare. Most people expect to see themselves in you on some level. They usually reject folk who may not completely hold to the same values as they do. I value very little other than family and friends. Material things are just that things, so I tend not to find too many people who feel comfortable getting to know me on a deeper level.

It is my desire as I pass through this last leg on my journey of life to learn to ask for more support.

Liberation

I have a dancing spirit. My body loves music and rhythm. I have to dance. I just do. Dancing is something I am very good at and has always been. For as long as I can remember, music has soothed and moved me.

I am an energetic eclectic dancer. I don't do line dance, and have had problems with any dance routine I have tried to master. I simply like to just be free to move however the music wants me to. No hesitation, no inhibitions. I love to dance.

I remember when Madonna's "Get In the Groove," came out. She hit my right at my soul with the line, "Only when I'm dancing can I feel this free." That said it all and it is so true. I like dancing by myself, even when I am at a club. Partners have expectations, I just want to dance.

I have this beautiful book of poetry titled, "Room to Dance," I cry when I read the poetry.

Room to Dance

Incompletes.

Obstacles,

I turn away

Never arriving

on the other side.

Withholds.

Emotions,

Crammed in

the closet becoming

Too stuffed to open.

History.

Waste

from the past,

Littering my niche

I carry it with me,

Never

letting go.

Circumstances.

Clutter,

Infinite excuses why

What I have

is not

What I want.

No clear path

through the

Disorienting chaos

I wander

tripping

stumbling

falling.

I choose.

The Rhythm of Life

seduces me

into motion

Move by move, I

Complete

Reveal

Let Go

Engage.

Clearing the space,

Creating

Room to Dance.

Wow! This poem moves me, explains me, is me. I love the entire book. Dance has been my friend and I am eternally grateful. I have to move.

Control Freaks

People who try to control every situation usually find themselves not well liked by others. Most often they are not aware how much people despise them because they are too involved in affairs that do not concern them, or trying to figure out how to maneuver circumstances to fit their agenda.

When folk feel like they have to control things outside of themselves, they are usually running away from themselves. They are afraid to manage their own lives and ready and willing to tell everyone else what they should and shouldn't do with theirs.

Or, they actually manipulate situations, instigate discord among others, or they withhold love and other needs from others until they do what they want them to do.

I am sick of control freaks. I really wish they would get a life.

For Those Who Didn't Make It

Wow, this year has been the last for quite a few celebrities. I was completely thrown aback to hear Teena Marie is dead. She was only 54. That is what is so frightening to me. You really have no idea of the day or the time. You don't know how long you have. It is so important to live authentically because any day could be your last.

I know she lived a real life. She had the nerve to sing R&B music and loudly at that. I have always admired her and I will miss her greatly.

Peace, love and soul to all those who did not make it in 2010.

Can't Help It

With my husband being so sick, I can't help but thinking about the fact I very well may be a young widow. He is only fifty and I will be 49 next month. With this strong possibility looming over my head, I have given thought to whether I could be in another long-term relationship.

I think not. I don't want it. Many men are too needy and everybody is looking for something and dare I say, I have paid my dues. My biggest problem with men is that they are so fragile. Especially when they are in love. I learned a long time ago that a man is hard when he's soft, and soft when he's hard. There are women who spend their lives trying to keep men hard so they can appeal to his soft side. I'm a iron sharpens, iron chick. I cannot submit to ego buffering. This has been a major problem in my present relationship.

At first I didn't know what was going on, I had no idea. Then as I began to study patterns, read more books written by men about men, and generally pay attention; I found that he expected me to let him be wrong, lie, cheat, steal, etc. just because he was the male in the relationship. Or he expected me to let him do something he clearly was not capable of, just because his ego couldn't stand to see me do it. Anyway!

I am a grown ass woman, educated and free. I don't think so. Still, there is a great part of me that likes to have a man around. I know I will miss his presence the most when the time comes. Will I be able to fill that void with something other than another man? I can't help it, I have to wonder. My husband has no idea about how I feel. He is so self-centered and closed off because he really doesn't understand why he is sick. He really has truly connected the dots, so he can't help but feel wronged in some way. He doesn't think about how his feelings about his situation has affected others.

Then there is the whole age range thing. These young guys most definitely aren't ready for me, unless they are in academia, then they probably won't be into the other things I like to do. I can't help it, I wonder about these things. I most definitely will not deal with someone older than 55, even if I am older than 55. He has to be willing to eat healthy and exercise, no exceptions. I am living what can happen when you don't. It doesn't get any worse than to watch someone breath begin snatched away from them. I won't do it again.

I am so glad I live in the present. I don't wonder about these things much. It usually happens when he is really bad like he is now, when I can the life living his eyes. These are the times I can't help it.

My Sonny

Our son is great. I know it is strange to hear a parent saying something good about their child, but he is. He isn't working right now and he thinks I should be bothered by the fact, but I am not. I knew when my boy was six years old that he was a producer. He likes to work. It is just a matter of him finding what kind of work suits him best.

While I was cooking his favorite foods the other day, he stopped and talked to me as he often does when I cook. He told me he was trying to find a job and that he had began to look at business colleges. I have often asked him what he wanted to do for a profession and he would say, "I want to go into business." When I would pressure him to tell me what kind of business, he could not answer.

When he got in high school, he maintain the explanation of business until he reached the 11th grade and made up his mind he wanted to go into retail. I hooked him up with a friend who owns a clothing store and he shadowed him for a few days. He came home convinced he wanted to own his own clothing store.

My Sonny is an artist and I suggested he come up with an original design and make some T-Shirts to start his venture. He has been reluctant to take that advice for whatever reason. I let him know the other day that I did not take him seriously about wanting to go into business until he told me he was looking into business colleges. I also let him know that I had complete faith in his ability to do and be whatever he chooses.

Then, I told him, "Sonny, I never think about you doing anything wrong. I never see you as the bad guy. Someone who would steal, or lie, or hurt someone. I want to be completely surprised if someone came to me and told me you did something wrong. I ain't crazy, I know you do things that are wrong, but you know what I'm talking about. When the police come to the door, I want to be so much in shock that I just fall out when they tell me what you did."

He laughed. I need him to know I have faith in him and I trust him. My Sonny was raised to think. I taught him that his mind was his best weapon and that it could change within an instant, thus changing his life. I have told him from the day I touched him that he has the power to change. I have also led him to believe their is nobody better or more deserving to have a good life than he, especially if he is willing to work for it, which he is, so my Sonny is great.

The Day After Christmas

My husband left a beautiful message on my machine while I was at work Friday night. He talked about hoping I came home in a good mood so we could celebrate Christmas with the family we have here. It is only he, my son and myself at the house.

He went on to say how he was thinking about me, how much he loved me, and that he could not wait until I returned home. It warmed my heart. But, when I home, I noticed his throw up pan on the floor. He was sick. He stayed in bed when he was throwing up, or having the use the bathroom.

I cooked the Turkey, ate some Tuna, then got in bed and watched an episode of Martin. He returned from the bathroom and I caught of glimpse of his face. It was darker than I had ever seen it. His face is swollen and his eyes are puffy. As he was leaving the message, I could hear through the recording he was struggling to breathe. His refusal to go to the hospital is true testimony to the fact he is lives in a world of denial. Kidney failure is real. Especially for a severe diabetic such as he.

What am I doing? I ask him on a regular basis to go to the hospital. I try and make him as comfortable as I can, I pray for him, I continue to love him, and leave him to his own journey. I am truly walking with him. If this is how he wants our forever to end, so be it. I have done my time. He will always be the man of my dreams and the creator of my nightmares. I love him all the more for it.

This day after Christmas is glorious. I got real rest and sleep. I didn't overeat at all. As a matter of fact, I cooked turkey, corn, greens, and Rotini with five cheeses, but I did not eat any of it. I made some Croissants with bits of turkey and shavings of white cheddar cheese. I ate three for dinner and that was it. I refuse to overeat on another holiday as long as I live. I have truly made a lifestyle change.

I didn't spend much time with anyone but me on Christmas day. Part of the reason is I left my cell phone at work. Silly me, but I wouldn't have done too much talking anyway because I am indulging in spiritual renewal. I limit my verbal communication during these times. So much of the time people are talking loud and saying nothing.

My husband was saying something when he left his message. He said it loud and clear. I am still the one he wants to spend the holidays with and he loves me. I got my husband's love for Christmas.

I Do

I do think highly of myself. Yes, I really do. I know what I have had to overcome and is still overcoming everyday. I also know folk who haven't experienced I 1/3 of what I have and have killed themselves. I am beyond a survivor, I have learned how to live.

I have wanted to be a writer since I was 10 years old. I remember telling my classmates my plans back in the fourth grade. Of course they all told me I wouldn't be going anywhere and most definitely would not be famous. When I went to high school, I found I was multi-talented. A triple threat and some if I may say so myself. I sing, dance, act, write, perform stand-up, cook, publish. I have lived the life I knew I would. Even in high school, I didn't view having money as being successful. I knew I would be successful if I got the chance to live they way I always dreamed of and that is being at peace in every situation.

I knew back then that doing what I loved was all that really mattered. I knew of people who were miserable on their jobs, but felt trapped, or were uneducated, or really just had no desire to go beyond what felt comfortable at the time. My ambitious spirit never lets me rest and I do feel it has been a great asset, but I have also recognized how it could take me down, if I let it.

I do feel good about the fact I learned that maintaining a balanced life is the best way to get the best out of life. I actually fill great about the fact I learned this in my thirties and was able to practice it to the point I could see the benefits in my life. I do feel some pride over tackling the devil within and showing her up to be the liar she is. There was something deeply self-destructive inside of me. I purged her and yes, I do feel good about that.

Learning more about me has helped to save my marriage. I found I didn't care about a lot of things I once thought I did, so therefore there was no need to argue or have discord over stuff that doesn't matter. Of course this made me much easier to get along and live with. All these little things added up and now I can say without a doubt, I do have myself together.

As You Can Read...

If you have been following my blog, I am sure you have picked up the reality that in many ways I am struggling in this marriage. I happen to believe that the struggles, though they may not be as what others experience, are what are necessary for the each of us to gain the knowledge needed to be the best people we can be.

People want to believe that love should be easy, when in fact it is one of the hardest emotions to navigate. Because of its purity, love has no master. It is in itself the end and be all when it comes to humans. Without love, nothing survives for long. Yet, love is so hard to come by and even harder to find within ourselves.

I struggled for years with self-hate and loathing and now that I know love, I laugh at the old me. How silly I was not to recognize how marvelous I am no matter what size, how much money I have, or who I am married to. I am the shit just because and that is enough. Yet, for years I hated myself mainly because of being overweight. It wasn't me and because I didn't understand the importance of moderation I overate. I also used food to soothe me and keep me company and to celebrate. Food was my God.

When I became more of a spiritual person and less of a religious person, I was able to balance my reality and thus my life and body has followed suit. I am free to love because I know what it is to love me. As Frankie Beverly put it so well, "I got myself to remind me of love."

As you can read, I am pretty darn sure of myself. I know how to love.

This Everyday Feeling

I am a true creature of habit. Routine does not bother me at the least. I find myself laughing at myself when I think about how little my life and life patterns vary, yet there is so much peace that comes with the way I live my life; that I laugh at myself again for ever thinking myself silly for loving routine.

Part of the reason I married the man I did was because of his spontaneity. Unfortunately, I learned as we developed a relationship that what I viewed early on was not simply a person able to be spontaneous, but an impulsive man/child who couldn't make a decision if his life depended on it. He just did whatever came to his mind.

After I figured out what was really going on, I began to monitor what I did and did not want to participate in, when and how. He quickly labeled me as a stick in the mud. I even quicker didn't give a damn. I began to view him as a impulsive individual who had no true direction, so I made sure to keep my everyday feeling throughout the relationship. When I felt it threatened, he usually wanted to move out, or I was throwing him out. I would not let him alter my everyday feeling.

Looking back I marvel at how smart I was. I am proud of my unwilling to allow my best interest to be messed with. Over the years he has told me how strong I am and how much he admired my ability to maintain my integrity. Folk like him do not understand the importance of personal integrity. They are too busy trying to get over to care about how their blatant self-serving behavior affects others. I have never been the one to let folk get to close, not even as a child. I always reserved some of me, for me.

As a wife, I know it is very important to have the ability to maintain your sense of self and do what is in your best interest. My being able to maintain a level of autonomy and still raise my husband and kids is my greatest accomplishment. Although there are those who would label me an enabler, I will say I am to the extent I do not try to stop people from being who they are and I love them anyway. But what I won't do is take abuse. I have been misused, but I draw the line at blatant abuse. I know I am being abused when I lose my everyday feeling.

I am a firm believer that no one can ever truly make you unhappy, keep you from being happy, or cause you to be happy. Happiness to me is my everyday feeling. When I lose it, I don't immediately blame it on others. I look and discover what I am doing first, then I check the folk around me. Then I make a move back towards the middle so I can feel that everyday feeling.

Even Though

Even though my marriage has been somewhat of a farce, I wouldn't trade it for the single life if I was offered a million dollars. I read some of the post of single folk on Facebook and I remember how lonely, and sometimes even desperate I was. I remember going to the club and watching guys I knew I could kick it with, eye candy, only to be done with her two weeks later when he's back at the club looking again.

I'd watch women choose men just because they were determined not to go home alone that night. I can remember seeing couples and wanting to be a couple. I remember thinking about how much I wanted to be in a relationship and all the things I would do if I had a man.

Getting married allowed me to do all the things I wanted and more. It took away the angst and the longing and the desire to be active in a loving relationship. It also satisfied my need to be adored. Initially, my husband was infatuated with me. It was glorious in the beginning. It set the tone for what we have today. His dreamy eyedness has been removed, but he still adores me and you can't buy that.

Even though it has been a rough, rough ride, I still feel that marriage is the best answer for those who are single and find themselves longing and desiring a mate. There is nothing wrong with this as a rule, but longing and desiring can cause you to make poor choices, especially if you are only thinking about your immediate needs. So often we don't think about the other person in a real since when we are looking for a mate. Our thoughts are based on this abstract person. When we meet flesh and blood we try to project our made-up image onto them and this is where the problem begins.

I have always been a live and let live type of person. I have never wanted to dominate or be dominated. Even though my husband and I are complete opposites in most areas, we are the same when it comes to this, so even though much of what he does, I would not do, I can allow him to be who he is, therefore he can live and learn from his own mistakes without me trying to dictate how his life experience should play out.

We stay together because we both know we have hit the jackpot in relations to finding someone who knows how to unconditionally love. Even though I better at the love part than he, he has the no conditions down pack. He lets me be me and I do the same for him.

Unevenly Yoked

It was never a doubt in my mind my husband and I were unevenly yoked on many levels. It never truly made any difference to me as a whole, but sometimes during the day-to-day living it can really be a drag.

I am more everything than he: stable, educated, financially fit, capable of growing and expanding. He has always let this reality play heavily on his psyche. He has spent so much energy trying to bring me down to his level. Whenever we argue it is like arguing with PeeWee Herman, "I know I am, but what are you." His use of projection is so tired until it is laughable. It is his only defense, his only response. The only way he can make himself feel better is to make himself believe because I love him, I am like him.

Other people feel that way too. But we all know opposites attract and I cannot be more opposite than he. His revelation about being "grown" has only served to widen the gap that already existed between us. I find myself less tolerant than I was when I really didn't know what his problem truly was. Now that I know it is pure immaturity, I have zero tolerance, so we have begun to banter more because I refuse to allow him to think his childish behavior is being ignored.

It is a huge turn off, to say the least. His unbalanced way of dealing with everything is tiring and trying. The fact he is very ill only magnifies his raunchy personality and everyone is catching hell. He told me that I treat people like they don't know anything. That I am always trying to be in control. All the childish expressions he has held to since we met, he is still struggling with the reality that he is looking at me through the eyes of a child.

If he gets the chance to grow and change, I pray he will get to see me as the strong, capable, willing woman that I am. I refuse to let him make me pay for loving him. It is not my fault he cannot accept I see way more in him than he could possibly imagine. Instead of appreciating it, he hates me for it. This too is a personal problem. He has to deal with his petty jealousy and misplaced anger. I know I am doing the right thing in accordance with the plans God has for my life.

I only wish him well and I want to be here for him. I only want to love him. I don't want to be his mother, or controller. He can't see that because he is afraid to grow up.

Healthier Than Ever

My son said, "Mom, you are the smallest I've seen you in my entire life. It really says something that you are steadily losing weight. You are taking care of your health."

I feel good that my children feel open enough to share their observations with me. My son after watching his father struggle to walk back to the bedroom, made the above statement to me. For years I stayed in the 270 range, sometimes ballooning up to 282. Over the past few years I have become more aware of what my triggers are and I have learned to live a moderate life when it comes to food and it shows. I plan to rid myself of these last 50 pounds before my 50th birthday in 2012.

Now that I have my eating habits under control I can focus solely on exercise which is the key to removing the pounds quicker, while toning and trimming the body.
My son's observation has made me more determined to watch what I put in my mouth and why. I know I will be successful at getting rid of these last unwanted and unhealthy pounds. I look forward to being healthier than ever

Harder and Harder

Everyday it gets harder and harder to watch my husband suffer from the pain associated with his kidneys and other ailments. He has severe adema and refuses to go to the doctor. He is coughing a lot which is a sign he is having problems breathing. He can't sleep at night and walks all night in discomfort.

I sit and silently cry and mourn the loss I see coming right before my eyes. It is getting harder and harder to witness his slow decline, but I am doing it. It is all a part of "in sickness and in health."

I don't hestitate to help him in anyway I can, but nothing is ever good enough. The chronic vomitting and pain is taking its toll on him and he flares up often. Everyone in the house is trying very hard to be understanding but like I said, it is getting harder and harder.

31 Years Ago

31 years ago on the 15th of December, 1979 at 10:21 p.m. I gave birth to my oldest daughter. 31 years later a marvel at how she turned out and feel blessed to have helped bring her into the world. I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful daughter.

She tells me I am her best friend. It was never my intention. I have always let her know I was not the type of parent to befriend my children. Yet, she claims I am the best friend she has. I accept it. We do get along very well and I trust her completely. She has been a great big sister to her siblings and is always willing and ready to help them in any way.

Now that she is 31, I look at her with brand new eyes, she is a grown woman for sure. I look forward to the next 31 years.

Needy Friend

I'ma a needy friend. I need a lot of help. I am blessed to have people in my life who are willing to do so. I have very few friends so I try hard not to become a burden. I spent a lot of my life not asking for help. I would ask anyone for anything. I'd go out of my way to do it myself. That was a horrible way to live.

When my daughter was younger, I walked her over 15 blocks to school ran or shine. The next year I found had I asked, there was a bus that came one block from our home that would have taken her to school. That woke me up. I began to recognize how silly I was to hold to the belief that I had to do everything for myself.

Learning to ask for help and letting others help me has truly been enlightening and freeing. I am grateful for my friends and wish them well in all the years ahead.

Grounded

When E-Harmony advertised that it was allowing anyone to take their free compatibility surveys, I decided to do it. It took at least 30 minutes and really did ask some deep questions. When it was over and I submitted my answers, my score came back stating I was a "balanced" person, who seemed to be grounded and capable of being in a relationship with just about anyone.

I do believe part of the reason for my grounded personality has to do with my being a Capricorn. Capricorn is an earth sign. I have always felt a deep connection with nature and has held a belief that being a natural as possible is the only way to live.

Being married has grounded me even more. Staying with the same person wasn't as hard as others seem to find it. I really think a lot of people have trouble relating to themselves and this is why they have such a hard time with others. I have consistently worked on my personality because I have always believed I could get along with just about anybody. There are personalities out there that I wouldn't even attempt to understand, but for the most part, I feel people are people.

I use meditation to help me stay grounded, prayer to make a connect with God, and patience to walk this journey with the confidence needed to build the type of life I can be proud of. I am glad that money is not my true desire, as much as it is to help others achieve their goals and dreams in anyway I can. I am a worker bee. I like to produce. I like results.

As grounded as I am, I am also very creative and am able to think not only out of the box, but sometimes I don't recognize there was a box. I like being different because I am different and my uniqueness is what makes what I bring to any situation better.

I am proud to have my head on right. I am very happy to be me. I can only wish the same for others.

Even I Know

Even I know that what I believe may not be real. I know that our beliefs are based on the feelings and knowledge we have accumulated throughout our lives. Some of it valid, some not. Some based on the truth, some not. I know that just because I believe something it doesn't make it so.



Unfortunately, when it comes to religion, people tend to believe others should believe what they do. Especially when it comes to Christianity. When certain Christians meet those who say they believe the tenets that Christians aspire to are great, but they are not impressed by the religion, they immediately start talking about the person not believing in God. Jesus is not God. In the Christian religion he may be to some, but to those who believe something else, Jesus is not God.



Many Christians act as if they have a patent on God, when in fact God belongs to us all. Just because you believe you have to go through Jesus to get to God, doesn't mean everyone else does and it does not mean they are going to hell because they don't believe what you do.



As a black person, I find it hard to subscribe to a religion that was used to oppress my ancestors. They used the religion to make them believe they were supposed to be slaves. Then they used the Bible to keep them oppressed up to this day. People are afraid to think for themselves. They are afraid to go with what they feel. They allow themselves to be swayed and manipulated.

Religion, politics, love, these passions do not make for good conversation because people's emotions are involved. Even I know you have to let go and let God.

My Last Days

I have made the decision to quit my current position before the end of 2011. I am now ready to move into to latter stages of my professional career as a writer. It is my goal to write full-time. I have lost respect for the establishment I work for and I just don't see me working for anyone else. This job has been so fulfilling and powerful. I really feel as though I have done what I was supposed to do. I wasn't ready to go last year, but now, I have had it.

I think I may try my hand as a True Crime writer. I have always been interested in True Crime and I believe I would do well. It is most definitely a point of interest for the American people. I am also working on my book B. F. I.-Black Female Intellectual. It will be a series of volumes of my writings from as early as 1973. I have been amazed by how enlightened I was at such an early age. I was born to write.

My life experiences have been so rich and plentiful and I am truly blessed to have the mind and medium to express them. Even though I have had writer's block most of the year, I am glad to have had the urge to resurface at the right time. I am clear that the next step I should make should be writing full-time.

Stand by Your Man

"I ain't some Tammy Wynette standing by my man," these were words spoken by Hillary Clinton when it came out about Bill having a 12 year affair with Jennifer Flowers. What many people missed was the truth of that statement. Hillary was not just "standing by her man," she was in full support of him and he her. Theirs was a greater dream than any of us could ever know. They had vowed in college to change the world and she wasn't giving up her position as wife, especially not after getting him to the White House.

She supported his efforts because she knew he could be president. He knew she could too, so he did the same. So many couple lose sight of what really matters and this is why marriage is getting such a bad rap. Everybody is looking for someone to take care of them, instead of coming from a place of generosity and love, we come with our hands held out and high expectations.

We are so afraid to suffer, to do without, to make do with what we have. Our desires keep us hustling for all the wrong reasons and the wrong things. There was a woman who posted on Facebook that she knew a man who was looking for a wife. He said the wife would have to be willing to allow him to pursue his dream of owning his own business. He also has children from a previous marriage who has to pay child support for. The woman was protesting stating she didn't feel his future wife should be saddled with his child support while he pursues his dream.

In the natural, it may sound right that she is unwilling to help support him and his obligations while he is transitioning from making someone else to rich, to trying to accumulate his own fortune, but I submit it is not right. Money should not be an issue in a marriage. Yes, there are very real concerns, bills to pay, etc. but there will always be these factors, but what is rare is having the loving support of someone who wants only the best for you. It is rare to have a person want you to succeed to the point where they will make sacrifices of time and money.

Until we understand that marriage is about saying, "Hey, I am in agreement with you and your dreams, goals, and aspirations. I want the best for you and I want to help bring the best out of you. I am here to support your efforts." This needs to be said before you immediately start telling the spouse what you are not going to do. The spouse needs to know that you heard them, and not what is going through your head. (Who is going to pay the bills? etc.)

My husband has allowed me to have the life I dreamed of. I own my company, I act, I perform, I volunteer, I give to charity, etc. Yes, he has had to support some of my efforts whether by staying with the kids, not doing something he wanted, or monetarily. He has never tried to consciously hold me back and the times he did, I understood where he was coming from. His ambition level is not as great as mine, and that can sometimes wear on a man, yet through it all, he has remained my number one cheerleader and will follow me to the end of the earth, because we got it like that.

By the same token, I have sacrificed a lot to let him be the man he thought he was and wanted to be. As he has turned 50, a lot has changed, but he is most grateful that he stayed with me. I asked him what was the greatest thing about spending time with me. He said, "I can be myself around you." I have successfully made him feel secure enough to be himself, share his fears, hopes and dreams, and to love me.

Stand by your man!

These Last Four Years

The death of Elizabeth Edwards has hit me hard. Mainly because my husband is seriously ill and I don't think he'll make it the entire four years before my daughter goes to college. Everyday I can see him becoming more and more concerned and worried. We went out Friday night and before we could get home, he was calling. As we approached the house, we could see he had turned to porch light on. When we entered the house, he literally came running to each of us with outstretched arms stating how happy he was the two most important women in his life made it home.

The illness is humbling him. Just a few years ago his ego would not have allowed him to display his anxious feelings. He would make a joke, or totally ignore us before he'd let on he was worried. Now, he is showing his concern on so many levels that I'm amazed.

I pray he will be able to get a hold of his health enough to live to see his youngest daughter graduate from high school. I know not being alive to see her children turn teenagers weighed heavily on Elizabeth Edwards. She knew she wouldn't be here for them.

I've stepped up my involvement in my daughters education outside of school. I enrolled her in a workshop called Undoing Racism. It was a 20 hour training that took up her entire weekend. At first she was a little upset, and actually tried to be late. I looked out the door and she was slowly walking home. I put some fire under her and we went. I hadn't had any sleep and actually slept while she participated in the group. She came to me and thanked me for sending her. She had a great time.

I have always believed that parents are their children's greatest assets and I will forever do all I can to make sure my children are well-read and informed. I want them to receive the best education possible and I believe the way children achieve that is when they are encouraged to educate themselves. These last four years are going be fun. I hope and pray we all stay healthy enough to live and enjoy them.

Rubbing Me the Wrong Way

The one thing I have always had going for me was that even though I was very overweight, I always stayed active. In my teens, early twenties and all the way up to age 43, I danced everyday. I mean really dance. The dancing helped me stay in shape and I also added deliberate exercise at least nine months out of the years. I got hurt on the job in 2008 and had to readjust my exercise regime because my knees are involved.

I have since been diagnoses with arthritis. It has zapped a lot of my energy. The bone on bone is rubbing me the wrong way. I now monitor all activity. I make sure I know how far I have to walk when I go places, so I won't be in too much pain to enjoy the activity once I get there. Yes, arthritis is rubbing me the wrong way.

I have gotten all the opinions I need and now it is time to step my game up again and begin an exercise routine suited for my situation. There are sitting exercises I do and I use hand weights. I am pretty muscular which is a good thing because my cloths just keep looking better and better on me. I have lost 10 pounds since May. It is not a lot, but it is not gaining and that says a lot. Dropping my calorie intake lower and heightening my exercise routine is the answer.

Even though I find it very hard to stand, once I get up and going I'm usually okay, but once I sit again, I'm in a world of pain. I really limit my activity because I don't want to have to lay down several times a day just to be able to function. Sometimes is is unavoidable, especially when the climate changes. My bones just rub me the wrong way. There is swelling and pain and discomfort, but I will not give up. I am getting it together.

My Lifestyle and Food

I can say with utter confidence that I have conquered my desire to overeat and to eat things that are not good for my body. I have managed moderation and my waistline shows it. I have taken over six years to get here. I had to change my mind. Nothing else works for me. Once I changed the way I viewed food and its importance in my life, I have been able to consistently lose or maintain my weight for six years. I am in awe of me.

I decided I would no longer cook big holiday meals in my home. In 2009, I gained 10 pounds during between November and December eating stuffing. I ate it for days after Thanksgiving and Christmas with gravy and cranberry sauce. I could justify to gorging because I had so much food, of course I could not let it go to waste. This year I did not cook and I was all the better for it and so was my family. No one complained.

We had fish, shrimp and fries for dinner and no leftovers. The day after I felt victorious. I sincerely recognized how strength it took not to continue the tradition of gluttony during the last few months of the year.

I will be 49 in January. Now I can successfully step up my weight because I am secure in the fact I making the right food choices and eating them within moderation. I need to lose 70 pounds and I plan to lose at least 50 next year. I will take time and get rid of the last twenty, but I need to give myself a 50 pound weight loss for my 50th birthday in 2010. I will do it.

I have simply cut back on my food intake, I eat high fat foods in moderation, and I try to stay active.(see next blog)

What is it?

What is it that has these women killing their babies? What is really going on? Is it truly the Meth epidemic that has plagued the nation? Or is it something so much more simpler? More and more women are taking the act of being selfish to its limits? I believe it is the latter.

Women have abused drugs forever, but what hasn't been so evasive is the blatant disregard for their offspring. Even in the wild mothers protect their kids lives with a tenacity that literally amazes me, yet we free thinking folk cannot seem to get it right. It seems as though every few months there is a story in the headlines about some woman allowing someone to abuse her children, or even kill them, or she has done it herself.

The black woman who killed her two boys just tore my heart out. You could see the sickness in the family when they appeared on Oprah. The woman's mother, father and sister, who she lived with was on the show. Oprah asked if they had talked to the mother of the dead boys and asked her why she did what she did. They told her they did not. They wanted her to tell them. The sister felt bad because she had failed relationships and was unable to provide a home for her children. Her sister admitted that she had belittled her sister child rearing, but stopped when it required her to take some responsibility for her sisters crack up. Families like these could not survive without their secrets, but it never fails that someone cracks and the whole flimsy foundation comes tumbling down.

Now, right now, there is a woman dead and her daughter had been kidnapped by the murderer who was also the live-in boyfriend. The mother probably was lonely and felt it okay to bring the man into the house because he seemed to be interested in her. Like so many, she was fooled, unlike others, she paid for being foolish with her life and now her 12 year-old is left behind to fight for her life. He has bought camping equipment so he most definitely has plans to bed her, if not kill her.

Also in the news right now, a young mother confesses to killing her eight month old son. She was supposed to give him to a family. We can only wonder what happened to change her mind. What snapped and caused her to take this poor child's life? What is it? What is taking our mothers away from their babies. I know this microwave world we are living in is causing some to seek immediate gratification in various ways, but it seems as though a higher level of selfishness is rearing its head. The women who are doing these awful things are becoming more and more mainstream. They can't have the man they want cause they have kids? They choose to get rid of the kids. Wow!

I am baffled beyond belief. Somebody please tell me what it is that is causing this new shift in consciousness.

Oprah

When Oprah declared that Steadman was her lover, partner, etc., she could not and did not look Barbara Walters in the eye. I do not doubt that he is a constant companion, but I do not believe they are passionate about each other. I did not believe Oprah when she made her statement. I never have thought much of Steadman, for various reasons.

In the beginning, he was all Oprah talked about. Being in the Chicago area when she first started, there was a lot of talk about Steadman Graham. All the eligible women wanted him and he seemed to choose Oprah. I know what Steadman did was give Oprah the male influence she needed to be able to reach the heights she has. He came into her life and stopped her bed hopping and desire to chase men who did not want her. She had that bad and his coming into her life stopped all that immediately. His good looks wowed her as she did not have the self-esteem to believe a man like him would choose her.

He has publicly stated he would not be forced into marrying Oprah by the public. That was an easy stance to take considering he knew he wasn't going to marry her all the time. His presence in her life has been stabilizing and that is what she needed, but I do not believe they are "in love."

She is lying.

Ode to Elizabeth Edwards

People love to hear of a wedding and even love hearing about the juicy details of a marriage on the rocks. In the last few years of her life, Elizabeth Edwards had to face to loss of the affection of her husband of 30+ years. He allowed himself to become involved with another woman.

Since his first attempt to get into the White House, I have followed Edward's career. I must admit I've looked at them and thought them to be in a passionless phase of their marriage. I know all to well how the tempo changes in long term relations. As a matter of fact, that is one of the things that s most beneficial about them. Things can change in an instant.

When she got pregnant with her last children, my mind immediately told me she had problems letting go. I did not know at the time she had lost her 18 year old son. I did believe she was trying to keep her husband. She looked a lot older than he. Life seemed to have taken its toll on her. Her revelation that she had not had a mammogram for years was proof that she was thinking more of others than ourselves. She payed the ultimate price for her self-negligence and so did her young children who she has left behind to be raised by her husband and possibly some other woman.

As women, we need to be more mindful of who we are and what we are doing with what God has given us. For many of, the dream of being a wife and mother has been a huge of our development. We get in those positions and some of us literally forget we have a life. We do all we can for others and won't even take the time to check on ourselves once a year. This is so amazing to me.

Yeah, I did hate myself for a long time. During that period, I still went to the doctor. I still did what I needed to do for myself. I gave my body the honor it deserved. I have not gotten sleep for days and have overextended myself for others, but I have never neglected myself When it comes to truly paying attention to my health. I make sure I stay on top of me because I want to live.

When I was younger and stupid, I thought just not being alive would solve my problems. I often wished to "just die." I began the habit of taking an aspirin everyday thinking it would kill me. I laugh every time I see a commercial that talks about the healing properties of aspirin. By the time I got into my 30's my perspective on life changed dramatically and I was ready to live. I had chosen a man to marry who was the opposite of me in every way, so our journey together was rough, unpredictable, and sometime abusive on both our parts.

We began to even out because I began to get more in tune with myself and defining who I was and what I was and was not willing to live with. The more I focused on my personal development the better my life got around me, or should I say I had less time to dwell on others and what they were and were not doing.

It is just my opinion, but I saw Elizabeth Edwards as a very smart and intelligent woman who really thought she could and would have it all. At some points in her life I am sure she felt like she did, but as it has been revealed, something was amiss and I do believe it was her lack of self-care and awareness that ultimately was her demise, as it is for us all on some level. We are the creators of our life and lifestyle. We set the standards for acceptable care and comfort. We are the ones who have the final say. In the end, I know she saw it clearly. Her book reveals a lot of clarity.

Her relationship with her husband is not that different from most women who marry men with political aspirations. There is so much that goes along with the territory that you have to be numb to some of it. You have to know that there are forces, of the female persuasion just waiting to make their mark on your husband. I know she has had to face the possibility of him being unfaithful before. As far as we know, this is the only time a child has been involved.

Then there are the interviews that the woman has given stating that he has told her he loves her and that they'll be together. None of this helped Elizabeth as she fought the good fight to stay alive for the children she bore so late in life.

I wrote this to encourage women who may be going through some of the same things she went through, the loss of a child, a failing marriage, lack of self-care. I want to encourage you to look at loss as an opportunity for gain, not to re do, or do-over. When people leave us, we must not lean on our own understanding, we must allow nature to continue to take its course.

I made sure I watched Elizabeth whenever she was interviewed and there seemed to be twinges of regret in her phrases. I could tell she knew her choices could have and may should have been different, especially when it came to taking care of her health. Her lack of consideration for herself surely contributed to her leaving before she was ready.

I can say with confidence I have no regrets. I have done my duty. I have raised children who are kind and considerate, hardworking and generous. I am proud of them, but at the same time I have worked on myself with each of them, letting them go so they can become the people the were meant to be. I am looking forward to whatever time I have left with my husband. If he should die before me, I am looking forward to whatever is next.

Go to the doctor.

Shut Up

Wow! I really thought I had learned my lesson. I have, but I guess the shock of seeing my severely diabetic husband cutting his own toenails, just drove me back to my old ways. I couldn't help but mentioning the fact he should not be cutting his nails because that is what led to the removal of the other two toes. He became agitated and stated, "You are not going to do it."
I replied, "You're right. No I will not take the chance and cut the toenails of a diabetic as severe as you are. You should let the doctor do it." He questioned why I cared and I had to also.

When will I understand that other people may not have the same understanding I do? I know this to be true when it comes to him, but the fact that I really love him and care for him just won't let me shut up. I have to say something. I have to do whatever I feel necessary to try to help him stay in reality. He is fighting it hard. His desire to ignore the signs his body is showing is frightening. I cannot turn a blind eye, especially when I know how much his life represents a miracle.

He does not fully accept what God has done for him so he can easily dismiss the little good health he does has. He knows the life he has led should not warrant the blessings he has received, but who I am to tell God how to do his job? All I can do is be glad and let go and let God and shut up.

Me

Sometimes I do feel like I think about myself too much. I can remember a time when I always thought of someone else first. I gave too much power to the outside world. I am proud of the new me. I feel great about the effort I have put into my life. I will be 49 in a month. I am looking forward to it. I know I have better days ahead of me. I am so excited about the possibilities, and then again, I look forward to choosing to do nothing.

Being There

My children are well spaced. This last child is going to make sure she gets her time and I don't blame her. I am a dutiful mother so I make sure she receives quality time. I play games with her and I am actively involved in her daily life. She knows my intentions are to help her go to college. I have stepped up my involvement in her life and she is loving it. Little does she know I am grooming her for adulthood. I am helping her embrace herself and become the woman she is meant to be.

Jacked Up Priorities

I am not a fan of any sport except boxing. This whole thing with LeBron James is ridiculous and a waste of time. He has the right to work for whomever he wants, but obviously the fans of Cleveland feel otherwise and it seems to be big plans to disrupt his game tonight when he returns to Cleveland for the first time since he left the team.

People are people and they have the right to live their own lives. We don't own folk. He has made his choice, but even a Bishop has been on CNN talking about the sermon he preached on Sunday to try to get people not to overreact when LeBron returns home tonight. From the interviews I saw on CNN, it looks like he did the right thing. Folk are really ready to boo him and try to make his stay on the court miserable.

One man said he wanted to tell James, "You are not who I thought you were." Guess what? Neither is your wife, or anyone you know for that matter. We never really know people and we do not have the right to expect anything from them, especially if they do not want to give it.

Leave LeBron alone. Let the man go on with his life. Sports are not the end of the world. You have other things in your life that could benefit from the passion you put behind being angry over the fact the man wants to be in Miami and not in Cleveland. Folk need to recognize how jacked up their priorities. Anyone of the angry mob would be even more angry if someone tried to keep them from exercising their right to work and play where they want.

Do Our Best

The new thing now is to choose to believe that certain people were doing the best they could at the time they did whatever they did to hurt another. You know what I mean. I was abused during my childhood both physically and psychologically. I am completely against hitting children after the age of five. I believe after that age there are more efficient ways to dealing with children that will not totally rob them of their self-esteems as beatings do.

Whenever I mentioned the abuse, or hear people who have been abused talk about it and have something to say against it, people inevitably try to get me to see how my parents, etc. were only doing what they knew to do at the time. My mother even tried to make light of beatings by saying "That's what we did back then." Not everyone beat their children. Some where more enlightened, or simply went on the principle of treating others the way you want to be treated.

People rarely give their best to anything anymore. Most are living such a mediocre existence until it is frightening. We have become a country of excuse makers, but I will not accept that the best you knew to do to a three year old is beat it because they had an accident or wasted something.

It makes us feel good to let folk off the hook, but it does nothing for the person being left off the hook. Nine times out of ten, they think they are right and the hardcore will deny any wrong doing even after they affects of their abuse is obvious. Abusive people know better and will rarely do better unless they are stopped.

The next time sometime tells you they "did their best," tell them to show proof they have learned from their mistakes and are doing better. I think you will find they have not changed and will use any excuse to be who they are no matter who they hurt.

Writing Again

I go through spells of writer's block. I have been experiencing it off and on for most of this year. I write my blog almost everyday, but that's not the type of writing I'm referring to. I am working on three books. Most of what I do is highly personal and the book I am currently working on is no exception.

I am writing B. F. I.-Black Female Intellectual. This book contains commentary, poetry, journal entries and stories I have written and kept since 1973. I am currently working on the writings that led up to when I got pregnant in 1979. I got pregnant around the end of March. I notice I stopped writing after February, 1979 and didn't start again until June of 1979. It has been a tearful journey so far. I find myself crying for various reasons. One of the biggest is that I recognize how much I have always leaned on God to help me throughout my life.

Most of the letters are to God asking for His assistance, His forgiveness, His guidance. It seems no matter what the occasion, I turned to God to find the answer. I saw a sign that said, "Courage is fear has said it's prayers." One of my favorite things to say is, "I am prayed up." And I am. Just re-reading these writings have even more solidified my belief that the reason I have been able to survive on the level I have is because I have never forgotten God.

Now that I am writing again, I feel confident that I will get the three books out, with God's help.

The Bible Tells Me So

I have to admit I am sick of all the scripture written on Facebook. There are too many of us that don't know the word. There are even fewer of us who can't quote the Bible, but there are a whole bunch of us who cannot live it.

After a while, it is overkill. Too much of anything is too much and I say there are way too many folk preaching on Facebook. It is almost like they think they are being wise, or smart, or real, but in reality, they are hiding behind the word. Yes, I do believe they are hiding behind the word. Some of these people I know personally and I know they are doing it for show because they have nothing real to say.

You have a word for someone that is your own that will mean just as much as scripture or maybe more because the person will fill it came from the heart and not from you searching for just the right quote to paste on your wall.

I am also not impressed by all the husband and wife ministry teams that are cropping up. It is almost like couples are sitting back trying to figure out an income stream, and miraculously, both of them have been called to preach. Anyway!

I am so glad I know that I know that I know. I am so glad I don't feel it necessary to beat people over the head with scripture, then can simultaneously not have a kind word for my family, or friends. I will tell you people are frontin' and it ain't cute. God don't like ugly and I know, because the bible tells me so.

You So Brave

It amazes how folk like to label you. I told my Facebook family that my husband had been unfaithful. I received a reply stating that I was brave to share my testimony with others. I am sure this same person considers herself a Christian and probably believes she adheres to the tenets of Christianity. I would have expected her to recognize that I am doing what Jesus would do. He shared his pain with and his purpose with us.

We are mandated to share the glory of the Creator in our lives. I was redeemed and renewed when I gave up my idea of what I thought a wife should be. I had a whole lot of crazy ideas, issues and hang-ups. When I accepted the role I played in assisting my husband with choosing to deal with our problems by having an affair, it changed the way I dealt with him and myself.

I found I was doing too much and of course, he wasn't doing enough. My decision to write two books about the ordeal came directly from my belief that in order for things to get better those of us who have made it through the fire without smelling like smoke give testimony to the glory of God.

No, I am not brave. I am obedient.

The More You Get

It is true for many of that they more we get the more we want. Whether we deserve it or not, many of us feel we should get certain things just because we want thing. Ask yourself this today, "If I got everything I wanted, where would I put it?"

New Way of Thinking

I have lost 10 pounds since May. I noticed it in my clothes. I went to the doctor Monday and she seems reluctant to believe that I have been able to lose weight just by making the decision to do so. I simply, yes simply, stopped eating so much. That is all I have done. I was diagnosed with severe arthritis, so I stopped the exercising I was doing because I was in so much pain afterwards.

I also realized I needed to lose weight to help take some of the pressure off my knees. For the first time in my life I feel weak and incapable of doing certain things. This has been devastating for me in many ways. First of all, I am an avid dancer. I would dance all the time at home. Now, before I bust a move I ask myself if the pain afterwards is worth it. I limit my dancing to when I go out and will have time to recuperate from having a good time. I am deeply saddened over the loss of mobility.

I made a decision to think differently and that meant I had to give up my fat girl mentality. I had to change the way I thought about food and how much I thought I wanted or needed. I found I don't need as much as I thought I did. I also stopped using certain oils, condiments, etc. These things add unnecessary calories and unwanted pounds.

When I was 15, my uncle Al looked at me and said, "Girl, all you need to do is push away from the table." I remember running from the room crying because I felt he was being cruel. In a way he was because he hadn't seen me in years and he blurted that out before he even said Hi. Whether he was being cruel or not, he was right and now all these years later, more mature, I am doing just what he suggested and it is working.

I had to change my fat girl mentality. I had to stop beating myself up and I had to learn to love me right where I am now and stop wishing some miracle would take the unwanted pounds off. Although the numbers on the scale say I should be worried, my internal numbers are great. Cholesterol 195, blood sugar 72, triglycerides 89, yes, I am bragging. I am at least 80 pounds over my ideal weight, but my internal functioning is that of a healthy person and that is what matters most. The numbers on the scale are slowly reflecting the effort I have put into changing the way I think.

Just Be

Don't you just want "be?" Don't you want to have a day where no one bothers you for any reason at any time? I find it almost impossible to find a moment to really be alone. In the early, early hours of the morning is the only time I can really call my own. My family is constantly expecting something from me, on some level.

I cannot blame them. I have billed myself as the go to person in their lives. Yet, I crave a moment where I don't have to be anywhere or do anything for anyone, for any reason. I don't see those days coming too soon, but it is refreshing to realize I know I need time for myself. This means I will take advantage of any time that reveals itself as mine and mine alone.

Since my husband can no longer work, he is at home all the time. We spend a lot of time together. It has turned into true quality time because he no longer has the pressure of making a living hanging over his head. He doesn't "have" to be anywhere for any particular reason, so he focuses on me. This is not a bad thing. As a matter of fact, I am enjoying some of the attention.

He is a lot more attentive and interested in what I am experiencing, whereas before the illness, he was distant and often not around, now he is here all the time and wants to know everything that is going on. He sort of acts like it has been that way all the time. Maybe he was here in spirit and I just couldn't tell. I am glad to see that we haven't tired of each other in the real sense. Even though our taste in TV is different, we compromise. He watches sports all weekend. Since I don't watch TV much it kinda works out. We like the same kinds of music and we both can sleep without the TV going. This was not the case when we first married. He always had to have noise.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when we structure our lives around people and events. When we think we want a family and careers, and lots of everything. We force ourselves into a place that suffocates the us, out of ourselves. We are wife, mother, lover, friend. When do we get to just be?

Relationship Coach

I have been a relationship coach for a while. I have several people who have given me the credit for helping them understand their role in the demise of certain relationships. I find that most people don't want to view themselves as the person who is causing the conflict in the relationship. When they find out that they contribute to the chaos, they tend to want to run and hide, only to have to face the music in the end.

Many people frown upon getting involved with helping people reach their highest selves. I think it is a blessing to care enough to want to help another bridge the gaps in their thinking that keep them from having to experiences with others they truly desire.

I am not the type of person who drags a person into anything, if a client becomes unwilling, I am unwilling, after all, it is their life. If they cease to care, it doesn't do my any good to hold on to trying to helping them in any way until they are ready to help themselves.

I do not believe we can motivate others. We can help they see how it is in their best interest to do a certain thing, but to motivate them? I don't think so. Folk have to want change, they have to need something real, they have to desire personal power and freedom. You cannot make anyone understand the worthiness of these things, they need to find out for themselves.

Free your mind and the rest will follow.

Out to Lunch

I had to go to the doctor on Monday. I got a call from my husband stating he was in the lobby of the building. He called again and said he was coming up. I had to give blood, then we left. As we walked out of the door, he asked me what I wanted for lunch. We caught the bus to 4th Street and went to a Mexican restaurant.

As we dined, we laughed and made jokes, and bothered the waiters. We spent a very nice afternoon together. It amazes me how much we still enjoy each other. How we laugh and touch and look into each others eyes without reservation. We have paid our dues to get to this point and it feels great.

Even though he looked awful. He had been up all night throwing up and unable to sleep, yet he wanted to surprise me and he did. I enjoyed going out to lunch with my husband.

Freedom of Choice

I know for a fact that it is our choices that make up our lives. Yes, some things are out of our control, but ultimately what choose to or not to do is the stuff that our lives are made up of. People make the mistake of thinking they can blame others, or circumstances for the outcome of their lives, when in reality the choice is always theirs.

Even in the worse situations, you have a choice. Being married as long as I have and by choice has helped me understand this dynamic greatly. For a long time, I blamed certain things on my husband when in actuality all I had to do was to choose to do something different, etc. Instead it was easy to make believe all my problems were because of him.

When we make bad choices we must also be willing to accept the consequences for said choices. People do what they want and when it doesn't necessarily turn out the way they think it should, they then refuse to take responsibility for making the wrong choice.

You have the freedom to choose. Study long and choose wisely.

My Kids

My kids are way too attached to me. I had to work overtime last Thursday and didn't come home until 7p.m. after leaving at 11:00 p.m. the night before. My husband called to tell me my children were beginning to get upset and wanting to talk to me.

He put the phone on speaker and all three started talking at the same time. "Where you at?" "When you coming home?"

My son met me at the bus stop to walk me home. As we walked, I began to talk to him about the fact that I could drop dead today and he needed to be ready. "Mom, I ain't ready for that. You know you are my backbone. I don't even want to think about not being with you."

"Son, you are your best thing. You can and will do what is necessary at the time. You just have to start thinking that way now. You have to let yourself think about what you would do if I am not here."

My 30 year old hugged and kissed my like I had been gone forever. They are all very attached in a real way. They just want to be where I am. I love my kids and they know it. They miss it in a very short time of separation. They know I am devoted to them and will just about do anything for them.

I believe they are prepared for the world. They just don't want to believe it. Time will tell.

Emotional Intelligence

Unfortunately, not many of us are emotionally intelligent enough to handle relationships. Men, more so than women. Men tend to run from their own emotions and women don't understand why. It is how they are wired, how they are socialized and how they are reared.

Parents who allow healthy expression of emotion will rear a more balanced child than those who have rigid gender role ideas, or certain expectations that may be maladaptive. I was reared to believe it was wrong to cry whether you were male or female. Crying was viewed as a sign of weakness.

I was highly sensitive so it took nothing for me to cry and I had no problem doing so. Both my parents gave me hell because of it, but there was something so strong about my awareness of my humanity that I ignored their beliefs and did what came naturally to me. If I was hurt, disappointed, or afraid, I cried. I didn't let them keep me from being human.

We are not allowed to let our emotions flow we are tortured by feelings of unsuitableness because it takes it all happiness, sadness, fear, laughter, joy, peace, to make up our humanness. Denying ourselves the opportunities to feel the full range of our emotions only numbs us and ultimately makes us bitter.

How emotionally intelligent are you?

Back to Lovin'

I can't put my finger on it, but something has changed my husband. It has been almost a month since I returned from my trip to East St. Louis, IL, and he has been a different man in many ways ever since.

He seems to appreciate me more and is less temperamental with me. I mentioned it to him twice and he has confirmed he is making an effort to be a better husband. Better late than never, especially since we are still married.

I know he couldn't do better before now. He has really grown a lot overall as he has approached 50. It is amazing how people have to grow at their own pace. I cried, prayed, yelled and screamed for him to grow up, but he didn't until he was ready and ready for him did not come until this year, a few months before his 50th. He will turn 50 on 11/28/10. He has been hesitant to mention celebrating or even being her on earth because he is so ill. I have tried to be a comfort to him and he allows it now more, than he did just a few months ago. People really can grow.

It is a good thing that with age comes wisdom. Some of us would really be in bad shape if it didn't. I am going to sit back and enjoy what I am experiencing.

Raising Babies

I am almost done rearing my last child. She is a delight, but I am so tired of being a mother. I started too early. I was way too serious too young and now that I am almost 50, I'm ready to play.

I am ready to explore who I am without the day-to-day dealing with children who I am responsible for. I am ready to play.

I don't even know what play would look like on me. The things I consider fun have very little to do with others, but I feel drawn to another way of life. Something less structured and restrictive. I am ready to play.

So, I'll spend the next four years designing the life I want and learning how to play. By the time she's ready to go to college, I should have it all mapped out.

Doing Me

I have changed the focus of my business. I was primarily helping others publish their works and promoting them. I have decided to do more traditional publishing and to promote myself more.

I am more of a support person than people are aware of. I love helping others realize their dreams and goals, but I have learned the hard way you cannot motivate people. They have to want it from the jump or it will never happen.

I want it. All that is supposed to be mine. I want it and the only way I will get it is to continue to promote my brand and do the things that get my books noticed.

There Comes a Time

There comes a time in the lives of many when they have to accept the reality of the matter. We are not in control of anyone other than ourselves. It is such a relief not to feel as though you must take care of others, do for others, know what others need, or try to fix things others have messed up.

I am fully aware of when I am trying to control something that is out of my control. Depending upon the situation, sometimes they way people treat you will let you know you need to ease up. You need to let go and let them, or God, whichever comes first.

So many of us think we know what is good for others, but cannot begin to do what we need to do for ourselves. It is so frightening. There does come a time when you have to know it is wrong to interfere, to suggest, to lay claim to responsibilities that belong to others.

Let now be the time you stop getting involved in the affairs of others.

Lesson

Owning my own business has taught me you cannot trust people and there is no need in thinking you can, especially when money is involved.

Almost everyone of my clients have tried to cheat me on some level. It has really made me sad, but I am not going to give up. I know something good has to come out of all this. I am waiting with faithful patience for the Universe to reveal the purpose of the past few years, as far as business is concerned.

I do believe something great is going to happen soon. I will not be discouraged or give up on my goals and dreams. I will continue to do what I have done and remain honest, no matter who tries to bring me down.

Just Don't Get It

I began the series Get Out of the Way!Claim God's Will for Your Marriage because I recognized people really don't get what marriage is all about. The get what the wedding is about. All the showers and parties, but when it comes down to dealing with the nuts and bolts of marriage, folk draw a blank.

It seems as though folk just want the good times. They can't seem to understand that marriage is truly about day-to-day, everyday. It is about sticking and staying, dealing and hanging. I encourage people to remember the vows they took and pay attention to how they feel when they are obligated to stand up to the commitment they have made.

So many are ready to run when things don't go their way. What marriage does for us is gives us the opportunity to evolve into our highest selves. The constant compromising and thinking of others is not meant to demean or keep you from living your life. Instead, it is designed to give you the opportunity to know the richness that comes with true commitment.

Marriage gives us the opportunity to find a real sense of peace and to share our lives with someone who says they have our best interest at heart. Unfortunately, many just don't get it.

WOW!

Yesterday my husband and I were trying to remember the last time we had an argument. He said he had thought about it while I was at work and could not remember. I can't either. It is so amazing to me. My agreeable attitude is working and I have found he is not as disagreeable as I would have accused him of being in the past.

It was my unwillingness to be in agreement that mostly kept us at bay. Once I managed my disagreeable spirit, I was able to let go of the need to make him the one who was disagreeing.

Each day is getting better and better. I am thankful I stayed. I am so glad I did not divorce him. I would have never known how wonderful things could be between us.

Friends

Most people meet me and do not believe I am an introvert. I am a writer from the tip of my head to the bottom of my feet. Because of that, I find my own company most gratifying and being alone does not bother me in the least. To write you need alone time and solitude. Silence is my best friend. The early mornings allow me to have the peace I need and desire to write what is on my mind.

Yet, I do have a few friends. There are very few people I call friend. Most of the people I know never get past associates. I just don't let people in. It is a very isolated way to live, but one I am most comfortable with. I am not a traveler, so it doesn't bother me when people I know go places or aspire to. I do like to go out a few times a month and that is usually to listen to poetry or to dance. Since I've been injured I haven't been able to go dancing as much as I would normally go.

I just don't feel the need to have a people around me and as I get older, I find that I want less and less contact with others, even my family. I am constantly thinking about the time when there is no one home but me. I crave alone time. Still, we all need people in our lives. I am doing all I can to allow myself to be more open, but at 48 years old, I really don't see it happening.

I am grateful for the few people who consider me their friend. I do try hard to be the best friend I can be, which looks different than the way other people display their friendship. I let people come to me. I let them know I appreciate them, but I won't be going to their house, going out to lunch or dinner, or wanting to hang out with them. It just ain't me. But let them need me and I am there.

Devotion-Part One

I have figured it out. I finally understand what bothers so many people when they see people trying to stay together when others think they should split. Many people have a problem with devotion.

To some, devotion looks like you are being a fool, because you can overlook, deal with, ignore, accept, or simply not care about things that would destroy most relationships. Devoted people have a sense of awareness that tells them to continue to do and be all they can in their relations. The devoted ones will try something new, if something they tried previously didn't do. Devoted people do not need reasons to remain devoted to what they have committed themselves to.

When you are married, you have a marvelous opportunity to rise to your best self. Marriage, if properly performed gives us the opportunity to rid ourselves of self-seeking, selfishness, and petty ways. Marriage can help you get over yourself. The whole idea of marriage is for two people to come into agreement over the most important aspects of their lives. Marriage gives us the opportunity to mature and love unconditionally.

I had every rightful reason to divorce my husband. He cheated, he abandoned, he lied, he stole, etc., etc. Yet, when I thought of divorce, it went against what I felt deep down inside. It never seemed to be the true answer to the problem. I learned it wasn't up to me to judge my husband or expect him to fit a certain mold or criteria. I learned I was mandated to love him and to be his wife, only. When I let go of all my preconceived notions, I was able to have compassion for him and to open myself up to reconciliation. I stayed, he stayed, we grew.

Our relationship has evolved more in the last two years than I could have ever imagined. My desire to be and stay devoted has allowed me to experience a side of my husband I would not have, had I not got out of the way and claimed God's will for my marriage.

All marriages are not covenants. People marry for different reasons. I married for love and I had to remind myself of that to be able to stay devoted.

Don't let others dictate how your perform in your marriage.

Feelings

I am having feelings that tend to make me want to leave where I am and do something different with different people. I have grown tired of the routine I have set for myself, even though oddly enough it is still gratifying when I want to fall back on it. Yet, I yearn for a new way of life. I am craving myself. I want to be with me.

I have been responsible since I was 17 years old. I have had to tow the line and be mature and take care of others and now I want my time, but I still have a teenager to get out of high school and into college. Sometimes I get frightened by how real my desires are to be free. I want to soar. I have been flying for a while now. I am ready for new heights.

Having a chronically ill husband probably has a lot to do with it. He is so sick I just can't seem to get away from it. We spend a lot of time together up close and personal which really isn't bad because we have a good relationship. It amazes how we have gotten to the point where we don't argue. We say what needs to be said and leave it at that. So, I can't say that I'm stressed out because we aren't getting along. I can't remember the last time I was angry with him, or he me for that matter, still I just want a break. I need to deal with these feelings.

Something New

Something new is happening in my relationship. I can tell my husband is putting forth effort to be a better husband. In a way it is sort of eery. Since I came home from my trip to East St. Louis, IL, he seems to really appreciate me more. He is less irritable and has been more attentive.

When I came through the door, he literally ran to me with his arms stretched to hug and kiss me. I was shocked. I told him I didn't think he'd ever responded that way to me before. Something new is happening in our relationship.

He asked me if I KNEW he loved me. I hesitated for a long time because I know he thinks he does, and he does in his own way, but the truth of the matter is as long as he doesn't love himself, he'll never fully love another. Doesn't look like he's in line for self-love lessons, so I am reluctant to accept that he really loves me in the truest sense of the word. I accept what he has to offer as love. I do understand that many people are where he is, lost in themselves without a paddle.

Yet, the something new feels like it should have always been. I guess that is why I recognize it. I know how it should be, even though I've lived with how it is. I refuse to be bitter and work hard at being better. He is willing to try and that has always been enough for me and why we have stayed together for 25 years. He understood long before I did how messed up he was, but there is something so real about his desire to have a better life than the one he cut our for himself.

Am I Ready?

Everyday I watch my husband of 21 years get weaker and weaker. I look at him and wonder how much more pain can he stand. How many more days can he go without eating? He seems to somehow ignore how sick he really is in hopes that it will all just go away and get better.

But then there is a side of him that fully understands how sick he is and how bad off he will get if he does not soon comply. All I can do is watch and wait. My words are no comfort to him. All he hears is "I told you so." No, I haven't said that to him. How could I? I must admit even I thought he would soon do what is in his best interest, but I'm still waiting. Every other day he talks about exercising, but does not do it. He talks about eating right, but still puts to much in his body then has to throw it up because his body takes so long to digest his food due to the gasteoparesis.

Am I ready? I want to believe I am, but while I write this my eyes fill with tears. There is a lump in my throat and I feel overwhelmed with sadness. The one thing I truly have to keep me sane is the fact that I could have walked out on him and I chose not to. I chose to stay committed and I feel great about that. I don't let myself think, "I should have divorced him." Had I done so I do believe he would not have lived these past two years. I do believe the love I've shown has kept him wanting to live. He has said as much, but I refuse to take credit in his presence. I will act like I have a little modesty, but it is more than obvious if it were not for me reminding him of his commitment to his family, he would give up.

No, he has not been the best person. He has most definitely been a horrible husband, but he has put effort into being a father to his children. Is it enough? Will he feel regret, or will he be okay with the life he's led? Time will tell. I just want to be ready.

I Know How He Feels

Even though I was very sleepy, I watched Tyler Perry's interview yesterday. I had to. I needed to know why he chose the projects he has chosen and they all are parallel to what he experienced as a child.

I am the female version of him. One of many. My mother was the abuser in our home. She belittled me and like his father, felt you were only working if you were using your hands. When I was 15, she asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I told her I wanted to be a writer and she went crazy yelling, "That's sitting down. That ain't work." I was devastated and for many of my dead years, (from birth to 26) I experienced a lot of writers block, although for some reason I was able to keep writing about my daily experiences. I have kept a journal since I was 15.

This saved my life. The other day I went to a training that was talking about kids who do not receive the proper care from their main caregivers. As the psychiatrist was talking about the subject, I had an true "Ah Hah" moment. I completely realized the extent of the neglect I experienced and was completely aware of. Being hypersensitive, I somehow always felt I didn't get the nurturing I needed past infancy. And if what I am told is true, she let me cry a lot. She didn't believe in holding children. What a throwback attitude from slavery. They separated us and it was hard for some of us to let go of the old slave survival ways.

I was neglected. I finally understood completely why I would always say to them, "Thanks for growing me up," because that is literally all they did. I no where near got the attention I deserved and most definitely no respect for who I was, or who I could be. Seeing him, and having the experience I had the day before has opened me up even more if that is possible.

Whereas he waited until his mother died before purging himself, I waited until my brother grew up enough to get from under my mother's apron. When he was in his 30's, he called me one day and told me they had fallen out. Almost immediately I began putting my autobiography together. It was published in 2003. Telling the Truth and Shaming the Devil is the name of the book. I had to write it. I had to take care of the little girl who was almost destroyed.

Girls just got it going on. The entire way we're made makes us so capable and I am no different. The psychiatrist said to me, "You were lucky. Your brain found a way to process what happened to you." And she is right. I have always been blessed with the ability to self-soothe. So, unlike most people who do not get the proper nurturing and seek everything but what they need, I knew I needed to be intimate. I knew I needed to learn to love and be loved.

Even with all the suffering I have endured, I am very proud of the woman I have become. I have had 18 months of professional therapy, but for the most part, I have healed myself. My eyes don't cry no more. I used to not be able to even think about the past abuse, or my parents without crying. Those tears have long dried up and I truly have forgiven them. I don't have much contact with my mother. She threatened to sue me when she read the book and literally cut my kids off. They are in shock because they no longer have the wonderful grandmother she portrayed herself to be, but as I have always known, as soon as something does not go her way, its on the highway and my kids are no different. Yet, she claims when I said in the book how distant and self-centered she was I am lying. She claims the cruelty she still displays is a lie. What she has successfully done is proven me right by her actions.

I can deal with the alienation. I know I can if the little girl I was could. She took beatings, floggings, pinching, verbal abuse, and neglect. She was strong and like Tyler Perry, I owe it to her to be successful and I have been. I have successfully stopped the cycle of abuse in my family. My children won't neglect theirs because they were loved with every inch of my being and they know it and proudly boast about it.

Tyler Perry needed to let that stuff out, otherwise he stood a great chance of losing all he has accomplished because like Oprah said and knows so well, all the money in the world can't fix you. It can't soothe the pain and it doesn't get you from one day to the next. He did exactly what he should. The striking similarity is when I approached my mother about the abuse, she laughed at and mocked me just a his father did him. Those type of people live to try to make their wrongs right. My theory is it is most the over opinionated and undereducated who have the most to say about what they don't know.

I am proud of Tyler.