Sunday, January 30, 2011

Fun Cut Short

I was looking forward to having a good time last night. We were only at the party a couple of hours when my husband began to look very uncomfortable. His legs were bothering him. They are swollen huge. Heis having troulbe breating and seems to think hehas some control over when it happens. I really feel sorry for him.

I didn't get to have any fun. As bad as I needed to, it was cut short. Things have really changed. I guess I'll have to go out by myself if i want to be able to have a good time.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Happily Married

My husband and I are actually really enjoying each other. We both agreed today that we are getting along well and it has been this way consistently for a while now. It really is such a great feeling.

There are some that would look at our history and be skeptical that we can really be happy. What those people don't understand is the power of true forgiveness. I told my husband that since I have truly forgiven him for all his past transgressions, I have found a new kinda feeling towards him. There is more of a nurturing type of love developing. I truly care about his well being.

Yes, there has been a lot of disappointment and unfortunate experiences, but when I look what all that has led to. I am extremely proud of our willingness to stay the course. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever accomplished in my life. Staying married is truly a test of your intellectual capacity to allow your ego to take a back seat.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Losing Hours

When my business picks up, my life shifts greatly because I do it all. I love it though. I love helping people make books.

I am working towards only writing and publishing, with sporadic speaking engagements and a radio show. This is what I see myself doing in the very near future.

The only problem I seem to repeatedly run into is folk looking for a discount before they even sign with me. There is no incentive for me to reduce my prices. I am often insulted by the fact they are so willing to make sure I am making less than I deserve right from the beginning. What a selfish way to begin a relationship.

Yet, i keep doing my best to give the best service I know how to give. What I really like about owning my own business is I do not have to work with anyone I don't want to. I can choose what projects I take on and can leave the others behind.

Gotta stay focused.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

So Much Fun

Today was a good day. My husband and I actually physically played. He wasn't feeling well physically, but he was in a playful mood mentally. It is amazing how strong he is and how he can sometimes allow himself to still enjoy life even though he is in tremendous pain a lot of the time.

I just have to laugh at how silly we can be with each other. It seems as though we get closer and closer everyday, which is very troubling in a way because that is going to make it all the harder if something should happen to him.

The other day I caught myself crying with a woman in a movie who had lost her husband. She was holding one of his shirts rocking and crying. It really made me think, "I don't know if I could live without him."

Yeah, our marriage has been pretty bad for the most part, but that has changed in many ways. I feel such a deep sense of compassion and love for him. I could have never imagined I could allow myself to feel this way, especially after how awful he has been to me. It really is almost like none of it has happened. That's how it is when you really forgive. You may not forget, but it sure doesn't hurt like it once did, if at all. I rarely think about how much he's hurt me in the past. It used to be forefront in my mind.

I am glad we have even out and that we are having a good time with each other. It makes life better all the way around. We spend so much time together it really is great that we are actually getting along.

Monday, January 24, 2011

My 31 Year Old-Part Two

My oldest has been accepted to one of the best and well-known schools in Kentucky, Spalding University. I am extremely proud of her. I graduated from Spalding in 2002 with a degree in Psychology. She is going for nursing.

Like I said yesterday she is a late bloomer, but has now found her stride and is going for it in her chosen career, which I pegged for her back when she was nine. I paid attention to her and her personality and knew nursing was for her.

I mentioned to her a few times that I thought she should go into nursing, but I never tried to force the idea on her. When she came the the conclusion herself, she came to me and asked me how I knew. I told her I watched her and discovered it.

We do our kids the best favor when we allow them to be who they are and develop on their own as individuals. I am glad I have been able to allow my children to be who they are without reservation.

Now, she is on the right path and will be the better for it.

My 31 Year Old

My 31 year old daughter lives with me. She had an apartment for over 3 years. When my husband and I separated, she moved back home. The other day she came to me and was very serious. She said, "Mom, I want to thank you for being you. You are the perfect blend of mother and friend. You know how to just listen and let me say what I need, but you also know how to slip that mother thing in to make a point. Thank you for letting me stay with you. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for not being one of those mothers who are all in your business."

I listened with glee. I felt proud that my daughter recognized that I am not the typical mother by any means. She and my son often praise me on how I don't over step my boundaries and I allow them to grow on their own as adults.

I never wanted to be the type of parent who continuously parents throughout their children's lives. I did all I could to guide them in what I believed to be the right way when I had full charge over them. After they turn 18, it is their turn to show me what they are working with.

I can tell my daughter is really proud of our relationship. So many of her friends complain about their mothers and she has none. I really don't bother her. Even though she lives at home, I go weeks without seeing her, but not without her kisses. Even if I'm sleep, she comes in my room and kisses me while I'm sleep. Sometimes I think I'm dreaming, but it was really her feeling compelled to love on her mommy.

She is a late bloomer and I have always known that. I am glad that I have not held her to the standard I hold for myself, because we would have a lot of issues. Since I do not do that to her, we have a very loving and loyal relationship.

I am truly blessed to have figured out some things early on about parenting and child rearing that has helped me break the cycle of abuse that was so prevalent in my family. Because of my ability to be who I want to be, I have love from those who mean the most to me.

Sunday, January 23, 2011


A made up mind makes things happen. The plan I made for my life is being played out continuously. What is so amazing is how closely I have stayed on course. I made the decision to make my children the most important aspects of my life. That meant I delayed going to college when I got pregnant with my first daughter.

I could barely stand it, so I went to junior college when she turned one. I could not leave her with anyone until then and then she only stayed with her dad. When I left East St. Louis, it was to go to college, but I had to get a job and I did not attend. It wasn't until I had my second child, 12 years later that I went back to school.

I eventually got my bachelors degree, but decided to wait until my now 14 year old got older before I went back to get my masters and PhD. I have decided now is the time. I made a conscious decision that being home for my children and fully available was most important to me. When I look at my oldest two, I can't help but take a lot of credit for how they have turned out. Even though I know I have had very little to do with the choices they have made as adults, I now I did provide the proper guidance that has given them the ability to make choices.

My youngest is truly getting the best of me because all my little mental defects are well under control. She is subjected less and less to any neurosis I have or may have because I know who I am for sure at this point in my life. With the others, I was still figuring out some major aspects of me.

Now, it is time for me to transition into another career. I want to write full-time on a freelance basis. I will continue to publish books, but I do want to write for others, help others write their works, edit books, articles, etc., and develop new talent. I am transitioning and it feel so right. My kids don't need me anymore. I feel certain they have what they need to make it in the world. Now it is my time.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

I Am Not Perfect

I am by no means perfect. As a matter of fact, I am sort of relishing in being bad. I have always wanted to be the good girl, the one who made the right choices and did the right thing, for the sake of doing the right thing. I am ready to step outside of my comfort zone and do what I need to do for me.

I'm working on being the best me, but I won't lie and play like I am not capable of doing something I clearly should not be doing. I am also not going to lie it is not a conscious decision, because it is. The consequences are high and could really shake up my life, still I am ready to take the chance.

I am ready to take a chance. I have always been a risk taker when it comes to seeing how far I can stretch my life. It is my life and I have the right to do with it what I may. At 49, I just don't want to play it safe. I plan to have a great last half of life.

I have been the mother and wife I wanted to be. I am doing what I should do for this last child and I am making sure I am taking care of my husband in his time of need. I refuse to allow myself to be stressed out or to get to the point where I am not focusing on myself. It is important I continue to respect my needs and desires. I must remain true to myself.

No, I'm not perfect and I don't want to be. I am in the flesh for a reason. Yes, I aspire to higher consciousness, but I do find pleasure in certain things of the flesh, as well I should.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Good Citizens

I have reared my children to care about themselves and their community. Each of my children have volunteered on some level throughout their lives. My youngest is getting her turn. She has been chosen as a youth leader to participate in the Reclaiming Our Dreams Youth Leadership Institute. She went through a weekend retreat back in December of 2010, and will going on an overnight retreat this weekend.

The program is every Saturday for the next six months. It is pretty intense, but she loves the intellectual stimulation. She loves to think and rationalize and wonder. She is imaginative, creative, and very diplomatic.

I know it is very important for citizens to be informed ad aware of what is going on in the community and the world. My kids have had the opportunity to be the best they can be. they have been prepped to to give their best.

Of course she is reluctant, she doesn't want to stay all night. What I am trying to get her to understand is you have to be uncomfortable sometimes to get to where you want to be. You cannot stay in in your comfort zone and grow. You just can't.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I Love My Job

I am really blessed to have a husband who accepts me as I am. Last week I had a very delicate problem, one I was not willing to tell anyone other than my doctor and oldest daughter who is a CNA. I was off work an entire week and he never questioned me once.

I like the fact that neither one of us has tried to interfere, direct, or challenge the others employment choices. I don't make a lot of money, and could make more, but I love my job. Ilove the hours, I love the days off, and I love the daily opportunity to serve the clientele I work with.

This job has been hard to stay on because of the games the folk in charge play. I advocate for the girls and make sure I speak up when I think they girls are being mistreated.

Even though the girls we work with have emotional problems, I seem to meet them at a place they can appreciate. I have expectations of them something they aren't used to. They find themselves loving and hating me at the same time. They often call me back once they leave to thank me for holding them accountable and taking the time to go the extra mile to make sure they get what they need.

I have been struggling with not having disposable money. It is hard to save on my salary and yes, things are really tight.

When I look at the pros and cons, I have to accept that my overall quality of life is 100% better since I have been able to find my balance between work, home and self. It is so hard for me to even think about giving up the serenity I have now, to join the rate race for the sake of money.

I don't know what I'm gonna do. I love my job.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Timing Is Everything

I made the effort. I told the truth and was unfriended.

I do believe timing is everything and it is still not our time. We can't experience friendship or anything else. It is not that we don't like each other, or that we don't want to spend time with each other. It is simply that time and unforeseen circumstances has hindered us from exploring the relationship that might have been.

I am glad I know that there is a time for everything and some things never get time. This is how it is with us. We had what we had and that wasn't much, but it was ours. Now we understand that where we once thought there was a connection, we now know there is none.

Timing is everything

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Higher Awareness

There is always the ability to think beyond what you think you know. Room for growth is all we really have. If we look to the past, for anything other than to learn from our mistakes, we are stagnated. If you try to ponder the future, we lose today. Yet, within the day we can elevate our minds to a higher awareness of self and others.

Striving for a higher awareness in how we treat each other and how we want to be treated could change the way people respond to each other. Folk are so hurried and hostile today. People who would never have thought of it are carrying guns. We are becoming a nation of hateful humans.

I hope a higher awareness is what you seek today.

Monday, January 17, 2011


I am doing research on the effects of stress. Even good things can cause us to experience stress. We only experience things as pleasurable, unpleasant, or neutral. When you don't have a handle on your feelings and emotions, it is easy to get confused about what you feel.

I have found meditation is the best way to get rid of stress, but it requires you learn to clear your mind. Learning to free yourself from thought is hard to do, especially when you are a thinker like me. It took me quite a few years to even try. When I first got into meditation, it was guided meditation. I used a tape and did what the person told me to do. I used that tape to help me quit a job that was extremely stressful and toxic.

It had been revealed that the owner and just about everyone else was a racist. It took a Mexican to be hired for the shit to hit the fan. I was the first black to be hired in the front office back in 1983 and they had been in business since 1957.

When they hired the Mexican guy, one of the other workers, unbeknown st to the owner, had been tortured by the kids in the Mexican neighborhood he grew up in as a white boy. Needless to say it was a mess. The Mexican guy decided to reach out to me for help because he thought I had worked some sort of magic to get along with those folk. Little did he know, I didn't know they were racist. They were ignorant and said a lot of stupid stuff, but I was only 23, just left East. St. Louis, IL and had no experience with white folk, other than my school teachers.

Before I began working for them, I was making $4.75 an hour. They started me off with $6.00. You couldn't tell me nothing. Within a year, I was making $7.75. They were very pleased with my work ethic and I was pleased to get paid. The office manager was very generous and she showed her appreciation for my hard work.

I had several incidents at a local restaurant where the owner, who often came into the printing company to have things printed, would come to the table, turn her back to me and talk to the white co-worker I would go with. This happened three times and I let my friend know if she did it again; I was going to say something to the woman. She did and I did. i wrote her a letter and she showed it to my office manager. The manager had the nerve to step to me and tell me I was harsh and that the woman didn't mean anything by her rudeness and disrespect.
The woman later came in with flowers and a card. She came to tell me about her one best black friend. I looked her dead in the eye and told her that statement she just made proved to me even more she was at the least discriminating against me, but I believed she was a racist. I refused to go in her restaurant.

That's when I began to understand that folk can be racist and pay you a far wage. That people can respect hard work, but hate the worker. I learned my lesson well about white folk on that job. After, 8.5 years, I eventually took off three days to pray and meditate. I could not morally work for people who would allow the harassment they did of the Mexican guy. When I reported it, they laughed. Even after the Mexican guy went to the city and put in a complaint, and an investigation was launched, the owner spouted out racial slurs one day when a Japanese guy walked out the door. That was it for me. I quit on that 4th day. I could not take the stress of working in such a racially hostile environment.

Since this incident, I have learned to empty my mind. Whenever a thought comes in, I catch it and blank it out. It is a wonderfully calming and renewing experience. This takes time, but I am worth it. For a few months I have been talking about how I feel things have changed. How I recognize something is different in me. One of the major changes is I am maintaining my weight, which is harder to do than lose. Another is that it has become so much easier to empty my mind.
Try meditation to rid yourself of stress.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Waiting On David: Part Two

My husband spent several minutes telling me how much he loves me. How told me again, he would be dead if it weren't for me loving him. He even pinpointed how he knew he would be dead. He said he didn't take to episodes, which turned out to be strokes, seriously. He said it was because of me he went to the hospital.

He told me that many women are going through what I am, but either leave their mates, or are in denial about what is going on. He talked about how I arouse him, even though the disease he has doesn't allow an erection. I mean he was just laid it own me. I just sat and looked at him, standing there looking so sincere.

Then he said to me, "You really do make me want to be a better man. No matter how long it last. I want to be a better man for you."

I continued to listen. "Many women would have left me. You had a right to and didn't. The fact that you didn't makes me love you even more."

"I'm here for you baby." I said with a smile, and I am. I took my vows and I meant them then, and I mean them now. It is so important to both of us to keep our family together. We want to raise our kids and we will.

Somethings going on with him. I'm not questioning it. Not even a little. At the least, it is about time, at the most God willing, I could be getting my David.

My Time is Now

Most people know when the iron is hot, but do they strike? I know it is my time. I know that now, right now is the time for me to pursue and do the things I believe I have been called to do.

I am ready to fully pursue certain goals I have left on my list. One is to get my PhD.d in Psychology. It doesn't make since for me not to pursue that path. I've been reluctant because I didn't now whether I would be in Louisville, but my daughter has made some choice that make it irresistible to leave, so I will pursue my Masters here.

My time is now.

The Picture

I have found a picture I really like of myself. I can't stop looking at it. It is so strange, this new thing I'm going through, but fun. I am finally putting in real time for me. I'm sleeping better, thus feeling better. I am ready to begin an exercise regime again and my diet is on point.

The picture was taken over four years ago. I am trimmer now, yet there is something so me about it. Usually when I see myself in photos all I see are flaws, or think about how I should have posed. In this picture, I feel pretty, I like my hair and my smile.

You're So Lucky

We had one of those moments where as they say in the Viagara, "Touch, or a glance could change things in an instant."

We were cuddling and snuggling then my husband says, "You are so lucky."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because after 25 years your husband is still attracted to you."

I couldn't dispute him. I do feel lucky in the terms. It does mean a lot to me that he wants me when he sees me. It does make me feel good to think I turn him on at a glance or a touch. It always has and always will.

Our sexual chemistry is something we discovered and have most definitely used to our advantage to stay together. He was slow to learn a lot of things, but once again, because I stayed; I was able to reap the benefits and now he is an excellent, giving, slow hand lover. A man with a slow hand and an easy touch cannot be beat.

25 years later, all these things count even more. Sometimes all I can do is hold him while he trembles and aches with pain. He often falls to sleep and swears it is my soothing touch to is keeping him alive. Yeah, I am lucky.

Waiting On David

As tortured and as painful as my marriage has been, staying has made me zealous believer in the beauty of marriage. It has been six months since my husband has messed up any money. I couldn't hold back; I asked, "What has changed, you don't go to the boat any more?"

"I don't have any money," he replied.

He has the same amount he always has. Something has changed in him, for the better. He readily admitted, "OH, I've thought about, now."

But he didn't go.

I'm still waiting on David.

Saturday, January 15, 2011


My husband accused me of not disciplining our youngest, and not supporting his rules. Even though it is not true, I am more relaxed in my approach to how I discipline her. He is really old school minus the hitting. He goes overboard, then back tracks. I am more consistent. Tonight she confided in me that she listens to me more than she listens to her dad. She tried to make me believe she does it because she is around me more, but I know differently.

I challenged her telling her she is to obey him whenever he is around. He is her dad and he is not telling her anything wrong. She admitted it upsets her that he wants the kitchen to look a certain way. "He just wants it to look how he wants it too look."

I sought for a way to help her see the bigger picture. My first response was that this is his house and he has the right to expect certain things. Then I thought to myself, "take the emotion out of it."

"You know what? If you work for someone, even if you have a better way of doing what they pay you to do, they expect you to do it their way. You can't just do it your way. Do you understand?" She shook her head yes. I told her to just think of it as he is preparing her for jobs.

It is too bad my husband is so closed minded. Until he opens he mind and deal with the issues that keep him stuck, he'll forever see his role as father in limited terms. Kids need so much and the little that he does give just may not be enough. Sometimes as much as you give it will never be enough.

His biggest problem is he is so unreasonable. It takes too long for him to come to the right conclusion because the way he reasons is through rationalization, which is reason lacking responsibility. I pray that he will soon let go and let God help him figure out the best way to handle situations. Until then, I'm glad I'm here.

My daughter will be the first to say she is spoiled. She probably would say we both spoil her, but I feel how her dad deals with her spoils her. His wishy washy way of discipline gives the child too much leeway and they learn not to trust you and not listen to you as much.

She would say I spoil her with things. It is not true. She doesn't have a lot of unnecessary things. She views normal maintenance as getting alot, when in actuality I am just doing my job.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


Wow, since I have been on this journey of getting in tune with my emotions and how they effect me and others, I have noticed that I am very powerful and menancing when I am very angry. I would say I am most definitely a fighter. I tend to be verbally abusive depending on the level of the hurt. Still, I am working on being able to not have to hurt people back when they hurt me. I do believe if you hurt someone, you should know what it feels like, so I guess that's why I get people off me immediately. They usually don't want to hear my wrath after the first time. Afterwards, the either love me or hate, but I won't let anyone cross me.

I know I feel this way because of how I was treated and allowed myself to be treated in the past. Back then, and well into my adulthood, I allowed people to mistreat me. When I woke up, it was like unleashing a lion. Plain and simple.

I'm working on me.

Monday, January 10, 2011

49 and Just Fine

I am 49 today and I have come to understand what folk say when they think feel it. I really am one year from half of one hundred years old. When I think of it like that, I automatically feel I should have learned something worthwhile during my time here on earth. Being 49, I should have shared something of value and made somethine of use.

I have learned a lot and the most important is to have compassion for others. Sometimes when certains aspects, and concepts of life are easier for one to understand, they tend to believe it is the same for others. I had to learn to have compassion for those who just can't seem to get it. Some of us don't know who we are at 49. Some of still haven't learned the importance of sharing and patience. Many of us can't make our way, you know they can't contribute to society.

With knowing all of this, I could not let myself feel superior to another because I do. Instead, I have chosen to use what I have learned to help others. that really is the only way. I truly believe that learning to give and accept love is our only true mandate.

Thanks for all the well wishes and happy birthdays. I have never gotten so many. Peace, love, and soul to you all.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Making My Way

I must admit it feels good not to be afraid to do the right thing, for the right things sake. I took a stance and it made a difference. The problem I reported was immediately taken care of. What upsets me is so many people knew and felt what was happening was wrong, but would not say anything. What makes me different? Why didn't I just sit back and let it happen?

Friday, January 7, 2011

Empathy-Part Four

Men overload on aggression. I am completely floored every time I hear about a man being violent towards a woman. Most times I tend to want to believe that nothing, outside of being physically attacked, should be able to provoke a man to hit a woman.

I am talking about the attacks men display against women just because they can't control their need to strike. Men are aggressive and when they are wrong, they are more likely to be highly aggressive due to being unable to accept they are at fault for the feelings they are having.

In the book, Fire In The Belly: On Being A Man by Sam Keen, it states, "Men live under constant dread of being labeled a sissy , a weakling. a wimp, a queer. Most everywhere they live under pressure, stress, and the constant need to prove themselves by establishing mastery in the arenas of war, work, and women, a near universal creed linking manhood with socially necessary activities of protecting, providing, and procreating."

What he is saying is men all over the world have associated conquering others, their work, and the women in their lives, and have somehow made them a part of what it means to be a man, while simultaneously connecting the for mentioned with being protectors, providers, and the maker of babies. As we know, they are failing miserably and their level of aggression is getting worse toward women.

Men are killing their wives and babies and thinking nothing of it. A lot of times these men have wronged their family and their reign of terror is being threatened, because if the effects of the passage mention earlier, their role confusion assist them in making the wrong choice. So many are stuck in these holding patterns. Their women, because they don't understand how a man thinks, often misses the cues, and before you know it; he has an explosion and she never say it coming.

It is unfortunate so many males are not taught to express their feelings, or to even recognize they have them. The spend so much energy trying to prove themselves, they seldom get to be themselves, unless it is to express some negative aspect of their personality.

I know a lot of women who were upset by Steve Harvey's book, Think Like A Man: Act Like A Lady. To those women who do not understand the importance of trying to understand another, know that you will never be understood. You have to give what you want to get back in intimate relationships. Until we learn and practice this we will never have what we want.

We have to find more empathy for the human male species.

Thinking About Things

You know I'm excited about something. Since I haven't told, I don't even want to tell. I love the ability to keep my mouth shut. We talk too much. Tell stuff we shouldn't, want to know how to do stuff we can't, and don't do what we can.

It's not a secret. It will be revealed, but within its time. God, I feel a rush when i recognize I recognize it is not for me to lean on my understanding. We all select what we want to believe. Many of us go to church because that is how we were brought up. Even if we stop going for years, we usually begin going again if we have that solid "church going" foundation. So often or beliefs are based on what others have fed us. Rarely is their the person who has thought for themselves why they should believe this, that, or the other. Religion and political affiliation are almost always handed down from generation to generation.

How often do you just think about things? How often do you ask yourself why you believe what you do, why you have faith in what you do, and how did you develop these beliefs? I think about things. Especially things that affect me directly. I think about whether I am doing the right thing by living the life I live. I asked my son if he had a problem living the way we live. He asked me, "What's wrong with the way we live?" I mentioned needing a roof, and the complications that go along with it. He was adamant that he was satisfied with what we have.

It's not a secret this thing I that has happened to me. By no means, I just want to keep it to myself as long as I can. The great thing about it is it has brought so many more questions, it has awakened my senses and has made me thinks about things.

The Male Species

I used to be one of those women who thought she understood men. My theories were based on superficial interactions, hearsay, some observation, but no true knowledge. It wasn't until I had a son that I had to really begin to look at the male species in a different way. I did this because I didn't want to step on his "manhood." I wanted to be able to recognize those things that are "instinctively male." Men are all different just as women are and women need to accept this. Male and female each have characteristics that are unique. With this said, each is able to understand the other if they so choose because deep down, we are not that different.

They way we think is different and this is what many women struggle with. They often feel if they are in love with a man that there is some sort of bond that enables him to be able to read her mind. This is so dangerous and frightening, but so many women just don't get it. No one is a mind reader. Part of our duty as human beings is to learn how to communicate our needs. It is selfish and egotistical to believe others should intuitively know what you want because the profess to love you.

It takes too much energy to think for me and others. I find such relief in minding my own business, expressing my needs, and expecting little from others. No of this means I do not encounter strife, it just means I have good boundaries. I let people unfold and hope they will do the same for me.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Traveling a Rough Road

My husband's memory is getting worse and worse. It is to be expected. He has had four strokes and since his last scan the prognosis was not good. Yet, it is rough dealing with not being able to remember. He asked a question and five minutes later he didn't remember what he had said. It would not be so bad if he wasn't so willing to argue about what was said, knowing all the time he doesn't really remember.

I have said it over and over. If it were not for his ego, he would be dead. His ego is what is killing him and keeping him alive. It is awful to see. I will admit I admire him for sticking to his guns no matter how stupid. Most people just give up. All I can do is be there for him and try to keep him comfortable.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Doing the Right Thing

Doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do is the best way to live your life. Unfortunately, most people do what is right for them and when things don't turn out like they thought they would, they want to blame others.

Self-centered behavior will most often lead you down a lonely path of self-destruction. Living a life of wanting immediate gratification with no regard to the thoughts and feelings of others will insure you will have a hard time with relationships.

Do the right thing. Just do the right thing.

Monday, January 3, 2011


I have been reluctant to come into the new age of technology. Thank God I have a good friend who is becoming and expert more and more everyday. She has taken me under her wing and taught me so much. I am greatful to her.

But, there is still something so unnatural about the Internet. The idea that information can be carried all over the world in seconds, still baffles me, but even more I ask myself why. Why do we need all this?

Well, Facebook has shown me the benefit of its services. Being able to reach out to people in your past is a kick for me. I am such a historian and I love finding out how people got to where they are. I think I'm falling in love.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

No Regrets, At All

I recently had something happen to me that allowed me to get rid of some 26 year old baggage. I must tell you I truly feel blessed. I feel as though the Creator is cradling me, keeping me from harm and discomfort. So many times people leave this earth with so much unfinished business.

My uncle recently died. I viewed him as a closed off, non-emotional man who didn't care much about anyone else but himself. Yet, before he died he took the time to write each of his five children up to four page letters, each. I was so proud of him for doing this, whether his kids appreciated it our not. It showed that he knew there was something else that needed to be said and he took the time to do it.

I feel validated by God. I feel as though God is saying to me, "Wanda, you deserve peace on earth." I got a chance to say what I wanted to say back when the person refused to hear me. They were receptive now and they too, felt like it was fate, destiny that brought us together, at this time.

There is no one else I need to clear anything up with, as far as I know. There may be someone out there holding a grudge, or feeling they need to say something to me and I pray they approach me. I pray I can be receptive and open, but most of all helpful in relieving any stress they may have experienced because of something I have done in the past.

I will leave this earth with no regrets at all. I am much more careful than I was when I was younger, so I do not leave too much wreckage behind me as I plow through my journey in this life.

If you need to make up, make up. If you need to say you're sorry, do that, just don't let it fester and turn into something that could hold you back. No regrets, that's the ticket.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

I'm Gettin' Old

I went out the other night and I must say, I now know for sure that I am gettin' old. Most of the songs the crowd requested all sounded the same to me. The kinds of music that move me does not exist anymore. I feel sorry for the young people of the day. No matter what the music we listened to was real music, not manufactured sounds from a computer. Not words that sound alike but make no sense.

There were a few times I was able to hit the dance floor, but for the most part I sat there is disbelief. The tunes all sounded the same. Then there is the line dancing. I have never been one for that, but everyone else sure is. The floor is packed when one of those thrown together beats come on. I left after the second round. It just ain't my thang.

I am glad I like to dance enough to dance at home where I can play what I like to dance to and don't have to worry about the DJ feeling like he has to please the crowd. Still, it ain't no fun feeling like an outsider when you're somewhere trying to have a good time. I guess my time has come and gone. I recognize and I will act accordingly. I will stay my ass at home, unless it is a theme party that will be playing what I can relate to.