Sunday, January 31, 2010

New To the World

My view is simple; I believe children should be taken care of by one of their parents for as long as they can before the age of 6. I have made extreme financial sacrifices to have this happen for my children.

I had my first child at 17, a straight A student, my mother and teachers where disappointed because I had gotten pregnant. The fact I decided not to attend college immediately after high school because I wanted to be the one to rear my daughter, really threw them off.

I am the oldest of five children. I recognized very early what I was missing and that was time with my mother. I always felt like I had to fight for her attention. I made a promise to myself if I ever had children, I would put ample space between them, so they had the impression of being the only child, but actually had the support and love of siblings. It worked for me.

My oldest turned 30 last year, my son will be 19 this April, and my youngest will be 14 in August. My relationship with each of them is remarkable. What is even more remarkable to me is that I figured this out at such an early age. I've given my children the essentials. My last two didn't walk until they were over 18 months old because they were always held. My youngest has never been in Toys-R-Us, because we had learned how keep her entertained. They got their time and where genuinely loved for who they are as people.

When we try to do too much, want too much, we tend to leave things behind because there truly is no way to successfully multi-task. So, if you are planning to have to children have a plan. Get your schooling done before you have them, or wait until they are able to express themselves verbally before you become distracted with too many activities. It is great to want to be involved, but we need to really look and make sure we are not using these activities to shun responsibility or to derail accountability.

Knowing who you are really helps, but is often the component lacking in many of us when we start families. We usually want to live the way we were raised whether consciously, or unconsciously. It is all about priorities. Sometimes kids come during times in our lives when we would rather be doing something else. To me, a child is a sign that everything is going to be alright, if we only let go and truly allow the Universe to guide our hearts and steps.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Educated Fool

My mom would become angry and tell me, "There's nothing worse than an educated fool."
This would usually happen after I spouted out a row of "big" words. "It doesn't matter if no one understands you Wanda," she'd say. Still, I was determined. I read the entire dictionary one year. I read our encyclopedia set. I spent a lot of time with words.

She was right to a very great degree. Even though I am proud of the 91% rating I received on the "Nerd" test, I will say it can be very awkward to be in a situation where you can see your choice of words has gone over a lot of heads. So, as I developed my communication styles, I began to see how I performed in front of certain people. Among white people I tend to be more crisp in tone and precise. With black people, it all depends. That's the other thing I love about being black, you can be different ways with the same person. The only time I see white folk show different aspects of their personalities is on Saturday Night Live.

Anyway, I know someone who is an educated fool. She is young, vibrant and brilliant. I believe so much in her mental ability, I dare say she just may figure out how to do something to help this country make a huge shift towards becoming more "Green." Even with that said, I am frightened for her. She is a young wife and mother. She seems to have a great start, but she doesn't quite understand the importance of family time. She doesn't understand that is when your kids are young, brand new to the world, that they are most vulnerable to harm and neglect.

She's an educated fool on a collision course with disaster if she continues to be blinded by her self-seeking desires. Her need to control, her need to know, her insistance on being heard, all of this will only lead to heartache and alienation. Been there, done that.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

So Easy

It is so easy to believe the worse about someone. Seldom does a person question information about others that is bad. We just tend to believe the worse.

Today, try not to let it be so easy to believe the worse when someone tells you something about someone else. Don't listen, or deny you believe it is the truth, but don't give in to the need to bash others, or think less of them.

We must lift each other up if we want to be lifted.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


I am witnessing the ending of a very short marriage. Many factors caused the demise of this marriage, the most important one is the fact they should have never married.

Yes, this tragic ending, didn't have to have a beginning, but it did. In this case, the female involved wanted it and she got it.

Sometimes when we get what we want, we find it may not really want us. Our perceived rejection causes us to want to take revenge or to see the other person hurt. To keep ones sanity it is best to assume they are hurting, and the proof is in direct correlation to the fact they hurt you.

It will only become a vicious cycle, revenge that is. It is so true, "If you did a ditch, you had better dig two, because the one you did may be for you." The Universe, the Creator, the great I AM, the Higher Power, God, does not fail. What comes around really does go around.

Acceptance is the cure for rejection. First, you must accept you cannot truly be rejected, because what is meant to be for you no one can take away, or minimize. It is up to you to find your purpose and those meant to tag along while you journey through your life. When it seems someone has rejected you, all that is really happening is they are making room for the one who will not. It is all for the good, yes, even the bad.

Second, you must recognize your part in whatever has occurred, take responsibility and move on. Plain and simple. Taking responsibility, no matter how small really does soothe the sting. When we can see our part, it lessons how we feel about the situation.

Sunday, January 24, 2010


I have spent the last six years creating the life I have now. I feel very comfortable and feel as though I have the time to do what I need to get done. I feel as though my life reflects the inner me on many levels. I feel free.

I feel free to come and go as I please. I feel as though my life is my own. I no longer feel the dread I once did when I was working to fulfill anothers dreams. Now that I have taken the necessary steps to claim my life, I am living it.

Freedom is not free. I suffered, compromised, and sacrificed a lot to be in the position I am in today. To have peace of mind, I make less money than I could. My kids do not get a lot of things, we rely more on interpersonal and intrapersonal activities. I have an old house, an old car and old clothes.

But what is most important to me is I have a renewed spirit each day that allows me to be able to meet the day head on and be appreciative of all I have. It is my attitude of gratitude that makes each and everyday easier and easier. To be grateful for what you have is to be aware that all you have is now. Staying in the moment is one of the many paths to freedom.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

The Other Woman

This is a subject I'll talk about off and on this year. The reason women who date marriage vary. Some actually do not know the man is married until too late for their emotional good. These women are easier to feel sorry for than others. They are usually part of the set up the man has carefully laid out.

I'm not going to talk too much about these women. It is not because I feel sorry for them, but because these women would probably rather not be in the situation. These are the ones who do their best not to interfere with the man's life and usually only stay in the ill-fated relationship because their heart is really in it.

I would advise any woman who finds herself in this situation to do all she can to get out. It is a horrible way to live.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


Peace of mind is attainable. It does take a lot of work and practice, but one can achieve it.
I think peace is one of those things you have to seek and be willing to share. Peace starts within.

Doing It to Death

My husband and I are in this thing for the long haul. We have so much to be grateful for and we know it. We have had a rough time. Strong personalities such as ours makes for a pretty row to hoe, but we keep cultivating and planting seeds in hopes something wonderful will grow from the union other than our great children.

We are doing this marriage thing to death. We are going to milk every ounce of good out of this relationship and hopefully one day be an example for others who are letting their personalities ruin the union. We want them to know that at some point, if you both are willing, things will get better.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


New families need time to develop patterns, rituals, and customs of their own. Many people do not understand this and invite issues into their lives that are unnecessary and can possibly cause harm to the family.

It is okay to want to share what you have. Generosity is a very important part of developing a well-rounded life, but we must also take into account what our immediate family needs are and do what we can not to tarnish the families ability to build a foundation by bringing in outside factors.

These outside factors can almost be anything, but are most often, adulterous relationships, unwanted children, meddling family members, and noisy friends.

Make sure things are tight before you bring others into the family fold.

Monday, January 18, 2010


Be grateful.

You have all you need at this very moment to achieve all your hopes, dreams and desires.

Be happy now! Be grateful!


Saturday, January 16, 2010

Good Day

I worked with Hazel Parrish on the Get Out of the Way! book project. Her book is due to be released in March.

It felt so good to be able to talk to her and relate some of the feelings that come with a long-term relationship. It is amazing how as you progress in the relationship you are able to distinguish between what is real and what is not. Remaining in the truth, being open and real is the only answer; the only way.

As she finished the last editing changes on her book today, I felt blessed to see how appreciative she was to be able to have her story published. She is working on part two. I have already written and published both my parts.

We both stay with our husband primarily because we believe we should, but also because they love us unconditionally and do not impede us from doing whatever it is we want to do in most cases.

It felt like bonding talking to someone who understands the importance of staying long enough to find out if you can stay.

Today was a good day.

Friday, January 15, 2010


Keep it simple. Do something loving today.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Tide and Time

After being with the same man for 25 years, I have been looking at our relationship differently. I look at it as though it is an entity of it's own. Marriage really has been given a bad reputation by those who did not know how to be married. After the divorce, anytime someone mentions marriage they bristle and moan and talk bad about marriage in third person. They make it sound like had it not been for marriage, their life would have been better. When in fact, as many later come to realize, it wasn't the marriage that was the problem, it was theirs and their spouses inability to effectively use the tools of marriage to stay married.

My husband and I have a new issue. He has become very hands on. He has always been affectionate. He often stands behind me and kisses me on my neck. He swats my butt when I walk by and makes intense eye contact. But something has changed for him. He cannot seem to keep his hands off me.

I get in the bed to either relax, or go to sleep. I seldom just lay around. Within the last six months, it seems he can't be next to me without reaching out to me. Although I can be affectionate, I don't like being randomly touched. People really almost need an appointment to touch me, unless I see them bracing up for a hug, I usually let hugs slide. But this constant groping and pawing. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd have to push him off me.

Last night I reminded him how when we first met, he was not used to being touched randomly and would bat me away. Sometimes he'd even run. I could see the terror in his eyes, but I was so insecure at the time, it was easier for me to take it personally. It was only after I talked to his cousin and he explained to me how men do not grow up like woman having people wanting to hug them and touch them, unless it is a parent or family member. Whereas as women, we share a completely different reality. I was able to comprehend and was able to accept where my husband was coming from.

Boy has he learned to hug and kiss, and touch. I just laugh and laugh and run and say no, and we play, then we stop and catch our breathe and laugh. We forget, we're not 24 and 25 anymore. He's 49, I'm 48. We are lucky in so many ways. I just keep trying to get out of the way and claim God's will for our marriage.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Boyce is Wrong

Dr. Boyce Watkins is wrong to admonish President Obama and Attorney General Holder for saying black men are behaving like little boys by not staying home with their families.

They are right and Boyce knows it. Damn the social issues, at the end of the day, it is who is laying next to you that matters. President Obama knows this, especially in this season of his life. Had he not stayed with his family, he would have missed his wonderful opportunity to change history. Plain and simple.

This is how it is for all of us. We must learn to stand up and respond like adults when we create adult situations and our marriages should be first on the list. We must stop blaming society, black and white, when it comes to our marriages. Say what you want, not having a job does not keep someone from showing love to another. Not having social standing, or public respect will not keep love from finding you if you are open to it and willing to participate in the spreading of it.

But what happens so often is the man is will to play house as long as he doesn't have to do anything but keep the lights, gas, water, and food going.

Women are as much to blame for allowing men to behave like little boys and shirk their responsibilities. People ask me how I can stay with my husband. A big part of why I stay is because he does. He runs away, but he comes back to face it. We make it up until he has to run again. Instead of me turning away when he comes back, I look for the change, I look for the God in him. It sounds corny, but it works. Then I hold him accountable. I remind him of the promises he has made. I remind him of the type of man he said he wanted to be. I am his memory.

All this has taken practice on my part. Many people never get to this level because they give up too soon.

Dr. Watkins, you are wrong. The majority of the men who leave their families are running away from their responsibility. Even those (white men) who supposedly have everything. It is spiritual warfare at its worse, a man making the decision to destroy what he has created. Our souls are sick and we fight the sickness by self-medicating, thrill seeking and flat out denial. It is time we all mature.

Boyce is Right

Dr. Watkins wrote on his website TheGrio, "If the mother does not open the door for a child to have a good relationship with his or her father, then no such relationship is going to exist."

He is right. This is true and the fact of this statement plays out over and over, generation after generation, because some women refuse to get over themselves.

Some truly believe children cannot be raised without a mother in the home. They honestly believe the child is better off with them no matter what lifestyle they are living. A lot of times the mothers end up living much worse lives than does the estranged husband, man, boyfriend, baby's daddy. Yet the courts will continue to return the child, the father will ignore the fact, and the mother has the nerve to be upset when her children hold her in no regard.

Then there are those who are upset the man didn't want them. They brood and make the child(ren) suffer. God can only help the one that looks like their father. You can usually recognize them by the black sheep's head they wear. Beat down by a mother who couldn't not get over the fact that the love of her life was not the love of her life, these people have a yearning for love that can only be truly soothed by self-love.

The mother will play bat and ball with the child(ren). Even resorting to occasional sex with the father if he wants it. When she gives into her flesh, she blames him when he doesn't return and the cycle of keeping him at bay begins again. As we all know, most times, never to end. Many children grow up without their fathers because of their mother's bruised egos.

Then their are the mothers who know that keeping the child away from the man is eating him up. She plays with him with the courts. Stretching the boundaries of the law. Part of it is because he doesn't want her, or maybe he does and she is too crazy to live with. Whatever reason, the women that uses the court system as a means of battering their children's father is a tragedy. She hides behind the law, the belief that children are better off with the mother, to aggravate him. What is so funny is this usually happens to the men who would probably be in the kid's life if the mother wasn't so crazy. In most of these instances, these women who behave this way are immature, need a reality check and a healthy dose of self-love.

What about the mothers that have children with the intent the man will never be in the child's life. These are some of the worse narcissistic females. Believing they truly possess all the child needs. Often only looking to the physical to make that list. Very seldom does a woman think beyond whether she can afford the child monetarily, or the fact that she wants someone to love, or wants someone to love her; these women cannot see beyond their desperate need to feel special, wanted and needed to realize the child will have its own set of wants, needs, and desires. They miss the very valuable point of two parents. The perspectives are different when it come to male and female. There is no way a woman can be a man, nor can a man be woman.

As women we must accept we do not understand, or know men. Relationships, especially intimate relationships are about exploration, discovery, curiosity. When we don't understand them, it is not for us to become angry and expect them to console us. We must put on our explorer's cap, our listener's cap, or whatever it takes to give our mate the chance to be who they are so we may know who they are.

The other problem is women do not listen when men are telling them who they are. We hear them, but we don't listen, and we pay dearly and so do the children who don't get to see their dad.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Miss the Opportunity

I will not miss any opportunities that come my way. This is my main goal for the year of 2010. I have already taken advantage of several and was glad to know I had been thought of and reached out to.

It is on thing to seek an opportunity. It is drastically another to have one given to you. Yes, I like seeking opportunities, but the ones given to me have been fair more interesting, far more rewarding, and more than I could have ever expected in most cases.

Moving the Louisville was one of the few opportunities I chased and it turned out to be great. I have accomplished every goal on the 10 year goal list I made back in 1995. I moved to Louisville in August of 1997. I remember looking at the list that hung on my key chain and saying, "Wow, I have accomplished most of these goals, and I hadn't noticed. I so astounded and proud of myself for subconsciously being the person I consciously thought I was.

I have since had to make new goals for myself. These goals are different because it is only one. My goal is to spend the rest of my life doing what is in my best interest and trying to help others do the same.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Made It

When I look back at this year, so many people died young. Very young. For whatever reason, dying young seems so unfair. Even though we all know life is hard, we still hate to see others not have a chance at the hard knocks.

I sincerely feel I paid my dues in so many ways. My marriage has stretched me beyond all measure. No one would have ever told me I could have held on this long. It was my desire to grow as a person that kept me keepin' on.

I told my husband last night being married to him has caused to dig deep within myself and find the best person I can be in order to deal with him.

It has been worth it because I can truly say I am the woman I want to be and I am happy. If today is to be my last day, it's a good day for it because I am ready.

Peace, love and soul.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Never Too Late

Thank God it is never too late to put forth effort in your life. I will be 48 years old tomorrow. Although I am excited about being 48, I can't help but feel that at least half my life is over.

I can't wait to see what I do with the other half.


Friday, January 8, 2010

One of Those Days

Today is a "just be grateful day."

Yesterday, as I passed my husband while he was sitting in a chair; I randomly grabbed his head in both my hands and said, "I am so lucky." He looked at me and shook his head to indicate "no" and pointed at himself, as to say he was the lucky one.
The next day I asked him why he said he was lucky. He told me, "I felt lucky to have you smile at me."

I said, "I felt lucky to see desire in my husband's eyes still, all these years later."

We actually had a same page day.

It's Your Ego Talking Boyce

It is so easy to feel as though President Obama and Attorney General Holder are chastizing black men. So what if they are? Men have to be able to take the scrutiny from their brothers. This is the biggest problem with male bonding. There is a tendancy to let each other slide.

Had Tiger Woods had a real male friend he would have stopped Tiger long ago. A woman's girlfriend would have at the least, slipped and let her girl know she thought she was a hoe. We all know the reasons, but at this point they are excuses. Brother need to be raised by their parents, or parent, whatever the situation. So many are allowed to do whatever boys do, and depending on the environment, it very well may not be much.

Another reason I stay in my marriage is because I figured out what President Obama and Atty. Gen. Holder are talking about when they say men are "behaving like little boys" by not staying home with their families. They are right. Too many woman let their spouses off the hook, when they should fight it out and help him understand the importance of staying in her/their house and taking care of her/their children. The strongest of the species are capable of doing this. It is innate in our human make-up.

Fear of emotional pain causes us to only find more emotional pain. We cannot figure it out. Pain is the biggest part of it. Learning to manage the painful experiences of life is all that is required. You cannot run from that which is set in your path by our life's circumstances. You can change the circumstances and this is the only path-growth. Learning to apply what you learn.

What has to happen is men and women need to learn more about each other. Some things that cause strain in our relationships have to do with who we are at the core of our existence. Both sexes need to understand more, empathize more, so they can deal with the things they can change.

Men behave like little boys in relationships when they clearly use opportunities to be anywhere but home. Hanging out with the home boys, playing video games, strip clubbing, clubbing, all these thing are play time activities and many men carry these activities with them into the marriage. They just don't fit. These things have to become back burner activities when you marry.

Ways Women Let Their Men Off the Hook

1. We feel we are the only ones who understand how to take care of children.
This is a real tragedy. So many women buy into the gender role BS until they actuallybelieve they are the only sex that can raise children effectively.

2. We think we are the only ones who should decorate the house.
This may sound silly to you, but women who completely dominate the decor of a house is setting herself up for failure. Your mate should be included in every aspect of maintaining the home.

3. Not telling him what we need.
So many women let men off the hook when they expect him to read their minds. When the man does not respond how they think he should, they form resentments and hold grudges, which turns him off and most often to another.

4. Keeping quiet when you know he is doing wrong.
Overlooking wrongs, hurts, slights, disrespect is something many women do. Not because they love unconditionally, but because they usually don't know themselves enough to stand up for themselves in the proper way. Speak up!

5. Sharing information with family and friends.
Men use this to go to other people and complain about you not coming to him. Not being open with your spouse will lead to disaster, one way or the other.

Our egos are often our worse enemies. President is correct when he says men need to grow up and when need to hold them accountable for their growth.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Boyce, Whose to Blame?

Any commentary that focuses on either party in a marriage is unwilling to deal with the issue at hand. The answer is simple. Both parties are to blame for the dysfunction that leads to black women not getting married and not staying married. Of course, if the woman chooses not to marry, it is her call, but we all know there are more women who want to marry and are not married.

The blame is on the individual who enters into the partnership unequipped to handle the responsibility. Most often both people lack the self-knowledge, self-awareness, and understanding needed to be in a relationship. Full of expectations, each move throughout their day trying to find ways to get their needs met, most often not expressing their needs to their spouse.

Men spend all their money trying to attract a woman, only for the interest to be gone once he has gotten her. Women don't understand men, so they assume this behavior has something to do with them, when in reality, what the male is experiencing is natural to the male. Years ago, before they started walking upright, man lived for the thrill of the hunt, back then, it was for survival. No longer having to chase animals for their food, man has focused on working and conquering their main interest. Men are wanderers by nature. There are tribes in Africa where women do the hunting and men stay at the village. Now that we have made our world so comfortable, many of our long ago useful innate instincts have become a deterent to unconditional love.

Yet, it is all in the plan. Just like in other species, there are those who lag behind because of any number of limitations. If we as individuals do not utilize self-examination to uncover our inner thoughts, desires, wants, and needs, we mislead others with the mask we wear to make it through the day. What happens when we marry is the mask eventually is removed, then divorce.

The evolution of humankind was inevitable. It is the man, the woman who can rise above their natures, mature, evaluate their situations and do their best to make choices that are in their best interest. Not doing what is in our best interest is the blame for divorce. Most times we neglect to do the right thing before we get marry the wrong person and marry then anyway. We know it early enough (before kids, bills, etc.), but we stay anyway. Once we have buried ourselves in an impossible situation, then we look for someone to blame. Somehow we forget to remember we are to blame. Had we only followed our first mind.

Black men have it so easy in so many ways. Everybody wants a piece of them. We all know how the white man feels about him. They can't sell a hamburger, car, beer, phone service without their music. I could go on and on, but I will save it for another blog.

The white woman has her ideas. Some will even marry one, once. You can believe the second marriage will be to another race.

Black men love themselves in all the wrong ways. Seeking status through ways that most often lead to their being unavailable to black women for long periods of time. It doesn't matter whether it is jail, a job, another woman, drugs, gambling, sports, the kids, other people's kids, fighting for the country, saving the city, putting out fires, working for Diddy, most often, they are not going to be around. We must learn to love them anyway. We must model unconditional love and find ways to help the desire to grow. It would be wonderful if more mothers would do this for their sons as I have. Allowing them the priviledge of male company, not hating them because we do not understand them, and seeking help for yourself if needed, all these things are steps towards helping a male grow into a healthy man.

It is easy to believe we get divorced for some of the stupid shit we present to the courts, our families, and friends. If we told the truth, we'd say, you know what? I was really childish in that marriage, I wasn't really ready, I allowed him to bring out the worst in me, I was pre-occupied with myself, my friends, the house, the kids, I needed that promotion, I had to go to school, I had to work, I was tired.

You know what? Who cares? No one, but you. I am telling you from all I know to be real and true; if you don't work on you and be honest with yourself and love yourself and meet some of your own needs, you will not be fit for a relationship.

I wish there was some other answer most days. I wish I could continue to blame my husband when he does stupid shit that just burns me up. I stop and remember I am in control of the thermostat. Whose to blame, I, me, you, us they, them, myself, he and she.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

And Another Thing Boyce

You know, I want to be angry at Dr. Watkins. I really do. He quotes Dr. Barbara De Angelis, claiming the book is "based on scientific research, not just speculation." What scientific research? She has been married and divorced at least five times. She started off as a consultant, just like many of us do, because psychology is not an exact science. Experiments are very limited because the subjects are human. More and more people are allowing cameras in their homes, letting others in on the dynamics, but until more of this is done either on film, video, or in books, we will not have a well-rounded perspective of relationships.

Relationships are complicated. I dare say, what makes Dr. De Angelis' an expert is not what she has researched or studied. She has learned by being such a bad wife. She was a horrible partner, and thank God she decided to take the time to look at herself, she has been able to help others. But don't be fooled, them that can't do are the biggest preachers when it comes to self-help, motivation, psychology, spiritual guides, etc. The journey is never over, until it is, and then it is final. We are all evolving, until we are not.

If you think for one minute Steve Harvey doesn't come in contact with enough women to write about his experiences, you are the joke. It is simply ignorance and a need to feel superior that made you come down on Steve. Just as many black women do when they have the nerve to think because they make a few more dollars than a brother that they are somehow better than he. They look down at his pockets, forgetting what they really want was a forefinger away. They let the legs they long to wrap around them walk away because they carry trash back and forth to the garbage truck as it goes on its route. They let the arms they so desperately dreamed of holding them tight pass, because they pick up cans or car motors. They do not lay their head on the chest that has the heart that would beat like a lion's with love for them, if only she would look into the eyes that could adore her, but like Boyce, her mind is fixed on his pockets.

I don't care if a brother is a tightrope tightener, a pipe fitter, a terminator of critters, as long as he's getting paid, sharing with me and his family, I'm cool. Somebody has to do every job that needs to be done to make America go. Our superficial idea of what a man is has caught up with us now that women have been allowed in the workforce. Our natural abilities have put money in our pockets. The whole idea of the man only being the one to make money exposed the shallowness of the male ego. All of a sudden Viagara is everywhere. Men can't just buy diamonds anymore, sometimes she can buy them herself, we want to do it too. Everybody is packin'.

Things have really changed Boyce, you wrote, "An uneducated, unemployed man in the criminal justice system is not going to make a good husband, not every black man in these circumstances is consciously choosing to end up this way." Truer words have not been spoken. I live it everyday. Yet, for some who do end up this way, they find themselves even more afraid as they grow older because there really is no place for children in an adult world. Most of these men experience arrested development. The years of time standing still has trapped many of them. I know that is the case in my situation.

I agree, we must stop the blame and that means you too. When a brother steps up and wants to talk about relationships we all need to listen. We have to encourage more lay people to get involved, this is where we get our pool of scientist. You know this stuff Boyce.

Dr. Boyce Watkins

Dr. Watkins is a money man. I have been following him for a while. He is from Kentucky, where I currently live. He has yet to become a favorite son, but I think he will. He has a good mind.

Yet, he, like so many others need to insight a riot to make a point. On his website TheGrio he talks about why black women are not marrying. He makes fun of the fact that women are responding to Steve Harvey's book. He feels Steve is not qualified to talk about relationships because he is a comedian. He does the very thing he says black women when they judge a man by their occupation.

Unfortunately, this is a societal problem. Recognizing this early in life is one of the many factors that has kept me married for 20 years.

Dr. Watkins is wrong to say Harvey has no position or useful suggestions, comments, or advice about relationships. The mere fact that his first marriage failed, and that he has married again gives credence. He has tried, loved, lost, and tried again.

Just a few years ago Dr. Watkins was talking about he'd never marry. He changed his tune. He could write about the shift in awareness that led to his marriage and be valid.

We must share our stories, especially blacks because we lost so much when it comes to relationship building throughout history and still today. It is our plantation mentalities, our lack of relationship models, and our own humanness that keeps us from getting and staying married.

Black women have been given an unfair pass in this country. We have been historically easier to employ, more employable, and more trusted mainly because we didn't have a man in our lives. Black women not being married has benefited America in the following ways:

1. Created generations of scapegoats, (imprisoned, unemployed, uneducated, unloved).
2. Ensured the woman will have to work, therefore less available to care for her own children thus keeping the cycle of poverty going, foster homes full, and prison doors rotating.
3. Black women feeling superior and capable of doing everything (superwoman syndrome).

The strong black women is often portrayed by the mother working several jobs, having strict rules she can't realistically enforce because she is at work, or wherever. She has also been the force behind the stressed out, angry black woman image that haunts most black women, especially when it comes to finding a mate, and getting a promotion on the job. Any black woman showing self-knowledge and awareness, tenacity, straightforwardness, and confidence is often labeled angry, a bitch, or a control freak. She is rarely given a chance, especially not in love.

We are lying to ourselves if we think we are doing it all. At some point, something is doing you. For black women, it is usually our loneliness. When it becomes unbearable, we often make drastic moves that most often lead to another man, another bill, another baby, etc. We know the drill. We try to fall back on, "I thought we were going to be together. He said he loved me." To explain our impatient. We lie to ourselves instead of finding out who we are and what we need and what God wants for us. We have the baby, live together, make bills, before we get a ring on it. I wish I was stereotyping.

We have got to get this thing together and that means rich, poor, black, white, professional, non-profession, scientist or not, we all want to be loved. It is not rocket science.

The Truth

Dr. Boyce Watkins asked the question, "Why Aren't Black Women Getting Married?"

Black women are not getting married because many of them are not marriageable. Marriage means to "come to an agreement." Be honest, how many black women you know that are agreeable? Not many. Most of them can't even agree with themselves. Their fickle lifestyles and jacked up belief systems keeps them single.

Black women have a reputation for being superwomen, when in fact many of us rarely finish anything. Our children look good but are emotionally deprived. They live with us, but as soon as we can we blame the man for their lack of morals, values, and self-respect. These things can be taught by either parent. The one that is present has to take up that responsibility.

Black women are not getting married because they don't want to. They have everything else they claim to want, but a man. They don't want to agree. They want their way and that is not what marriage is about.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Last Night

My husband took me out to stay at a hotel for the night. It felt so right, so good to be with him and to have him want to be with me. We are so lucky to still have a very strong physical attraction toward each other. 25 years later, he still turns me on.

I am thankful.

Sunday, January 3, 2010


This is the first of many blogs about the empowering result of forgiveness. Forgiveness is in our nature. It represents our ability to use what God has given us to better ourselves so that we may be a model for others.

We all have a forgiveness muscle. Put yours to use, as much as you can, whenever you can. A remarkable transformation will happen in your marriage when you truly learn to forgive.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

30 Years

I have a cousin who has been with the same man for 30 years. Their marriage wasn't supposed to last.

30 years, five children later, it felt good to call her home and have her husband answer and have him hand her the phone, for she lay right next to him.

She didn't complain, she didn't whine, as a matter of fact she was jovial and laughing and seemed happy. I am happy for her.

She was surprised to learn I remembered the drama surrounding her decision to leave a man the family approved of, for one they did not. It was quite intriguing, to say the least.

Their union, the decision to fight against all naysayers and the odds, to be together, has manifested itself in a 30 year long journey they have been able to share together and maybe even one day with the world.

The world needs more black on black love stories.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Clean Slate

The great thing about marriage is it is generally between two people. These two people get to decide what the marriage is about.

Today, start with a clean slate. Forgive your spouse and look forward to the great blessings ahead.