Monday, February 20, 2012

I Had to Hear His Voice

I was feeling badly after listening to a song my husband and I used to slow dance to. It made me sad to think about the lose of his leg. It also made me feel worse to know I would never be in his arms again.

I wrote about my feelings on Facebook and he replied, "I will dance again."
I wrote: "I believe. Sadly it won't be with me."

It is so sad. I am left with all these feelings and emotions. I have to work on not forgetting it is really over. I could not go back if I wanted to. There is nothing left for me, but work and I have done that. Still, I had to hear his voice. I had nothing I wanted to say to him. I just wanted to hear the tone of his voice. It always soothed me.

He was surprised I really didn't have anything to say. He caught himself complaining a few times and stopped, which I thought was really interesting. Still, I said nothing. I called with that purpose twice this weekend. I will not call again because I could tell he wants to come back and I don't want him back. I want him to stay far away from me. I will not allow myself to be hurt by him again.

I do believe God is going to continue to shelter me and guide me in the right direction. There is nothing for me in his life except to take care of him now that he has loss use of his hands. He says he is embarrassed. So was I when he humiliated me in front of all those people. I am sure he has not given it a second thought. I will stay away from him so I won't have to remind him.

The next time I feel like I have to hear his voice; I'll just do without.

When You Can't Love Who You Want

I love my husband completely, but I cannot love him actively. His behavior is completely unacceptable to God and to me. He has done all he can to continue to push his family away, but if you talk to him he doesn't understand why no one wants to be around him.

He simply cannot see how nasty and mean he is. He doesn't recognize the disrespect he harbors for those who are close to him. He just can't accept that he is not a good person, at least not to people he claims to love.

Still, I love him dearly, but I am so glad not to be apart of his self-sabotaging lifestyle anymore. It was torture watching him tear down everything we would try to build. To watch him walk all over the love and respect I did try to have for him. To him not give as much as he could to our children.

When you can't love who you want, you really do have to take a step back and be grateful cause sometimes it is a good thing. Not being with him does not keep me from loving him or from praying for him. I will continue to do both as long as I live.

Friday, February 17, 2012

It's the Principle of the Thing

My husband and I are not together because he violated basic human principles one time too many. He proved to me that his anti-social behavior is sociopathetic and therefore completely unacceptable in my household.

The day before we separated for good, we were happy as for as I am concerned. Happy for us. I had spent the day with him at the hospital. We had an adventure that turned out to be serendipitous. I write more about this in my third installment in the series, Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage.

Throughout my relationship with my husband I was able to maintain who I was and to stay on course towards who I wanted to be. He, on the other hand, had never charted a course for himself, thus he was adrift. He often marveled at how I was able to remain so consistent in what I believed, and who I am. Year after year, I presented to him the woman I knew myself to be. Year after year, he hated me for it. He would never fail to make comments that revealed the mendacity he felt towards my ability to be authentic in my dealings with him and others.

Six months ago, I learned how awful a person can get when they have no understanding of God. i truly believe God released me from my marriage based on his knowledge of my heart. He knew that who I am could never continue to tolerate someone violating basic human principles. My husband crossed the line and I chose me. It's the principle of the thing.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Exploring, Waiting and Watching

So much is happening, and then again there really is not much going on. I experience peace in abundance now and it is very addictive. I feel like I don't want to be bothered with people much. I find folk just don't make it possible for me to maintain my the level of happiness I desire.

Being separated from my husband and still having a true and geniune love for him is interesting. Even though I care and sometimes wish I could comfort him, I know it is not in my best interest to do so, so I don't. I keep my distance.

I gathered from a conversation my youngest was having with him on the phone that he felt I would not make an effort to bring her to see him in the nursing home. Of course I would, I am not going in, but I would most definitely make sure she got to see her father. He is still trying to play the victim role not knowing how pathetic it makes him seem. I want to belive he will one day reach out to God and embrace a spirit of love and forgiveness, instead of envy and hate.

Right now I am exploring my opportunities, waiting for the right time to make the right move and waiting for my miracle.