Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Too Old

For most of my life, I did not have a normal period. Siince I have changed my eating habits and have began to lose weight, I am having a period every month and it is horrible. I'm having the heavy cramps down the outside of my thighs. Crazy cravings and awful PMS.

I feel like I don't know who I am once a month. I can feel my swings coming. I have to be completely quiet because nothing comes out pleasant. The pain is unbearable and i actually got sick to my stomach this month.

Two of my sisters had horrible periods. They would be home for at least three days rolling around in the bed, onto the floor in pain. I am so glad I had compassion for them. Not that it made it any better, but it feels good to know I didn't do anything to make it worse.

I will be fifty soon and I'm having periods like I just started. I am so glad I had my tubes tied because it is obvious I'm still fertile. I probably would get pregnant if I had not had the procedure. I am so glad I deny myself that freedom.

Still, I feel like Ishould be done with all this. I am seriously considering having everything removed. That brings problems with it, but not the one I am currently experiencing which is bringing me down for almost two weeks. A week of PMS and a week long period.

I am not sure what to do. The suffering is unbearable. I am too old for this.

Using My Head

I am grateful I've been able to think rationally for most of my life. The first time I fell in love I almost lost my mind. By the last time, I had it down. I realized falling in love was truly for suckers. They rarely get to know what being in love is really like.

When you learn to do what is in your best interest, you are truly using your head. Stop giving your life over to others. Think!

Chronic Illness-8

My husband is going back to the hospital tomorrow. He confronted me the other day and said we don't do anything anymore, but go to the hospital.

He's right, things have changed.

What we thought would be paradise because we have grown to understand and appreciate each other, has become a nightmare neither one of us could have ever expected.

I do my best, but I am only human.

Our Challenge

Our challenge is to be the best people we can be at all cost. There are always chances to screw up our lives and just as many to chance make things right. We have to be willing to be honest with ourselves, live as close to God's word as possible, and do no harm to others in the process of discovering our purpose in this life.

I take this challenge on daily. I had to accept I could be cruel, dismissive, judgemental, and suspicious. I had to learn to be compassionate. I had to learn to really listen to others. I had to learn to let my light shine, (be authentic).

It has taken me years of looking at myself first in all situations, circumstances, etc. I learned to look for and accept what I contribute to any conflict and do my best to accept responsibility and find a way to make things better if that is what is required of me.

Our challenge is to love. To be open to giving and receiving it. To talk about it, to express it, to show, to know it when it is true. God mandates us to love.

The Older I Get

The older I get, the younger I feel in many ways. Even though I have severe arthritis, I feel young and vibrant and alive. I feel as though still have so much to offer the world and that I have the time to do it.

Even though I am getting older, I have regrets. I am actually looking forward to turning 50. I know there is a freedom to be found in this decade and I can't wait to embrace it.

Back in the 90's, Stevie Wonder sang a song called, "You Will Know." The song is about waiting on God. I had it on tape, but it was destroyed. I looked for the CD for years, then finally found one this year. When I listened to the song, I began thinking about where my state of mind was when it first came out. I said to my husband, "I remember crying and feeling lost and unable to go on. Now, I know and God knows it feels good."

"I remember feeling the same way, but I thought I would never make it to know. I know too."

The older we get; the more opportunities we have to be the people we know God wants us to be. Just listening to that song and having all those old memories come up and not feel sad, or still stuck was a true revelation.

My life is better than I could have ever imagined then. God is good.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


Someone on my job asked me to lie for them because they did not do what they were supposed to do. I was completely speechless. It literally took a over a minute to respond. Not only because of what they wanted me to lie about, but because of who asked me. I rarely consider anyone I work with a friend, but I actually liked this person and I thought we could be.

The fact he would ask me to lie still blows my mind. I am a person of high personal integrity. I monitor my own actions because I don't want to be misunderstood when it comes to doing certain things. I thought this person at least understood that.

The problem stems from the fact he is a white man, used to feeling entitled and merely looked at me as a means to an end. Like most white folk I know, he was willing to exploit me for his own personal gain. This is why I have so few dealings with them. I have found no matter how much they claim to like and respect you, when they want something, you're in the way, or you're gonna be used.

I literally could lose my job if I had done what he wanted me to do. Why can't people choose to be more honest?

Staying Strong

Staying strong is not easy. I am human and I need support just like anyone else. Yet, it is hard to people to view strong women as needing help from others. We get the reputation of "being okay," when in actuality, we need love, help, and care too.

At this point, I am sincerely grateful for being able to withstand much of what is going on, but after seeing all the blood that flowed from my husband's arm, I am in shock. I can handle a lot, but this blood thing is to much for me.

For whatever reason, the surgeon is unable to get the procedure right. He will be going to surgery for the third time. I will be leaving work early to be there for him, but who will be there for me? I can't talk to my kids about it, they are traumatized too.

The few friends I have are sweet, but I know they are sick of me consistently being in crisis mode. It's just all too much. Being strong is not all it is cracked up to be.

Friday, May 20, 2011

I'm Okay

I know I should be showing more signs of stress. I'm experiencing some pretty traumatic things, but I'll tell ya', I'm cool. I'm in a place of calm and understanding. Although I don't want my husband to die, I accept there is a great possibility he will. I do believe if it does happen it is God's will.

Even though my husband is growing everyday, he has been a pretty lousey person for a long time. He served the enemy well and we all know there is a price to pay for not living by God's law. Still, I care for and love him dearly, as he is the love of my life and the father of my children. That is enough for me.

Some people judge me by what "they wouldn't put up with." I know all too well that many of those folk are putting up with far worse than I am, because of their perception of their situation. I am not "putting up,"with anything. I am living my life day-by-day, being grateful for every minute and patiently awaiting God to reveal His will.

Trying to live within God's will is not easy, but always worth it. When you stop thinking you are in control and have all the answers you will be more open to God's will. I know I had to get out to of the way and claim God's will for my life and now I'm okay.

The Little Things

I listen to young women who think that what a man has makes him a man. They talk about he had better spend "X" amount of money and time on them to show he cares. They already know people do what they want, whether it is in their best interest or not. The fact he spends money on you does not necessarily mean he cares about, or even likes you.

We enter into relationships with all kinds of false ideas. We know some of the stuff can't or won't happen, but we have the nerve to be upset when it doesn't materialize. Rarely do these women take the time to discover what they have or do not have to bring to the table. They are simply looking to receive.

It is the little things that count. I am so grateful I stayed long enough to realize this and to live it everyday. I have grown to be grateful my husband is alive. I can remember a time when I wanted to kill him. God is good!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

That Loving Feeling

For a long time I fought, in my mind, that my husband was the man God meant me to be with. I was full of anger so it was easy for me to dismiss him and put him out for the least little infraction. Early in our relationship I lacked compassion and understanding. I had certain expectations and I was quick to administer punishment if they were not met.

Many of the infractions were not things I was willing to overlook. Not being able to tap into to God in me at that time, I used my anger to build a wall between me and the deep feelings I obviously had for him.

I did this for years and years. It took the infidelity to make me really look at myself and finally accept, I do love him. I had to accept, in the secular world's view I could do better, but there was something within me that knew, I could not find a better love.

I've experienced it all. My dreams, my nightmares, my doubts, my fears and God has carried me through everyone. Now that I am following God's will, getting to that loving feeling is effortless. I look at him with loving eyes. I continually focus on the good things about him and pray for help to leave the rest to God.

Seeking that loving feeling is important to sustaining a long-term relationship. I've always been able to get back to love with him. I've been blessed that way.

The Ties That Bind

I have been watching and reading about what makes love last. One of the things experts say helps people stay together is having shared significant experiences that caused them to come and work together.

My husband and I have had a lot of adventures. We are the "simple things" type of couple, so we took a lot of pleasure in walking by the the beach and looking at the lake. We both liked music, so we would go to a lot of concerts. During this time we didn't have a car, so just getting to the concert on the train was usually an adventure in itself.

He was so spontaneous and ready to tackle new experiences that he brought me out of my shell, so to speak. I could tell the enjoyment he experienced when he exposed me to something new. I also took joy in showing him things he would not have thought of, had it not been for me.

Even our moved here to Louisville constitutes a "binding" experience. We came here not knowing anyone at all. We have had some pretty rough times, but with the grace of our Creator, we have made a life.

It is working! I hear him giving God praise throughout the day. Three years ago he became angry if I even asked him if he had prayed. God is working through me to show him he is worthy. The changes are becoming more and more evident everyday. He is becoming more sentimental, more helpful, more thoughtful, and taking on more responsibility for household finances. It feels like a miracle.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

NO Good

Arnold S. is absolutely no good. To have a mistress is one thing. The have a child by the mistress is another. To have the mistress and the child living with you and your family? Scandalous!

My heart goes out to Maria. People are saying she should have known. When will we stop blaming the victim? No, she shouldn't have known her husband was devious and deceptive enough to do such a thing. No wife wants to ever think that of the man she is married to.

She was right not to suspect. She should have been as shocked as she was. The man ego is off the chain. Who does he really think he is?

It is sickening to know people can be so hurtful to people they are supposed to love.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Trusting the Process

After I finished book one, I felt such a relief. I knew God had put the book on my heart, but book two was a surprise. Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage Abigail and Na'bal Purpose Revealed, came out of the revelation that God had work for me to do.

Although we can be sure that God is always working for our good and the good of others, even through trials and suffering, we will not always know exactly what that good is. In many cases his ultimate purposes will not be evident for a long time. Ken Sande, The Peacemaker

At the beginning of the book, I reveal that I learned my husband was still involved with the other woman. Even though I had made up mind to forgive him, it was hard to take, but God kept on me. He kept me focused on the big picture. It wasn't long before the purpose was revealed. My husband had three strokes, then a series of other procedures, heart attacks, surgeries, etc. Now, three years later, I look at him and thank God for the miracle he is.

He is the second person in the United States to have a stint placed in his basal artery above his brain stem. Everyday he doesn't have a stroke is a miracle. His health has deteriorated to the point that all I can think of is how to make him comfortable. Yes, the same man who cheated on me, didn't take his adult responsibilities seriously until a few months ago, (after 25 yrs.). Yes, the same man who has been distant and cold and mean-spirited.

God took the love I have for him and made it into a new thing. By no means is it easy, but it is worth it. My eyes don't cry no more.

Do Gooder

When people read my book, Get Out of the Way: Claim God's Will for Your Marriage Abigail and Na'bal, they question why I stay in my marriage. After reading the book, The Peacemaker, I have found scripture to help me explain my position:

1 Peter 2:20, 23; 4:19

If you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to Him who judges justly. So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.

When I accepted I had wronged my husband, just as he had wronged me; I decided to forgive him, so that I could be forgiven. At that time, and this, I feel this was God's will. It has been very difficult because my husband has had a hard time turning away from sin. It is in his reflexes to make the wrong choice, wait too long to do the right thing, or to find a way to get over.

I knew God was working through me when I did not feel resentment or hurt when my husband let the enemy guide his choices. At times I knew for sure it was a test of my resolve and I held on. I know God is pleased with me. The signs are clear.

1. I haven't gained weight in seven years. As a matter of fact, I have recently been consistently losing without much effort.
2. My attitude towards life in general has become less stressed filled because I lean on God more than I ever have.
3. I am accountable to God only and it is the most freeing experience. I fear no man.

We must continue to do the right thing whether others/the world feel it is or not. Others judge me by what they would do, I'm leaning towards what Jesus would do.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Part Two: Why Black Women Are Not Marriageable

Part Two: Why Black Women Are Not Marriageable

Why Black Women Are Not Marriageable

Why Black Women Are Not Marriageable

World Peace Starts at Home

Growing up in the East St. Louis taught me a lot about peace. Kids would act up in class and the teacher would call the parents to the school. If the parents came, they often acted worse than the child. It was clear to see why the child acted the way they did.

If we want a better world, we have to be better people with the confines of our homes. Yes, home should be where you can let it all hang out, but if you are violent, mean-spirited, hot-tempered, uneducated w/o compassion, disloyal, a thief, a liar, etc. Nine times out of ten, you are going to rear children who think everyone lives this way and they will bring that anti-social behavior into the world with them.

When I first met my husband, I explained to him that I wanted to create a household bases on peace, love and understanding. He agreed, but since he really had no idea of how to create this atmosphere, he had a hard time adjusting.

The most peculiar thing he would do, would be to get upset when he heard the kids getting loud, or even laughing. I had to bring it to his attention. Upon further examination, he realized he inherited that ridiculous behavior from his father, who thought children should be seen and not heard, even if they where expressing happiness or joy. Once he figured out why he responded that way, he was able to stop it and actually learned to accept that our kids being happy, in the home, meant a great deal. I felt so triumphant the first time he came to me and said, "Listen! Isn't that the best sound?" It was our children laughing.

Even though my husband and I have been through some of the worse experiences any couple could imagine, we have been able to rear children who are well-adjusted and happy for the most part. This is because we did our best to be decent to each other, especially if we were angry with each other. Sure we have argued in front of them and we have slammed doors etc., but it is how we have dealt with the aftermath of these turbulent times that I feel has made all the difference in the world.

When things were tense, if our children expressed concern we explained to them that all couples argue at some point. We'd apologize for disturbing them and reassured them we were okay. We also explained to them that is was not their responsibility to make sure we were okay, it was up to us.

I am glad I understood we are all responsible for our own actions and that we can create the lives we desire by being the people we desire others to be to us.

Friday, May 13, 2011


My biggest disappointment with society is that there are so few adults. It is so sad to see how many adult/children there are. People behave badly and expect others to ignore their behavior. They lie, steal, cheat, coerce. Folk refuse to take responsibility for stuff they have gotten caught red-handed doing.

It amazes me to no end how old folk act like two year old children when they don't get what they want right away. The expectations. The feelings of entitlement. Wow!

I work too hard. I care too much. I think too much. I try too hard. I wish I could be like other folk I know and just live off other people. Do all I can to get over and get by. But I can't. I like hard work. I like to accomplish goals I've set for myself.

I want to be held accountable for my actions, just as I do my accomplishments. I embrace adulthood and am very disappointed that many other don't.

Chronic Illness-8

My heart is light, but blue. I'm losing the love of my life, right before my eyes. It is so hard for me to deal with the throwing up. It grates me to the core. The sound of him heaving rattles my bones and nearly triggers me to gag. Just last year there were times when he would get sick that I secretly felt vindicated for some of the things he has done to our marriage and himself.

Seeming him so frail and needy plays with my mind. Although I do not harbor resentment when it comes to my husband. After reading the book the Peacemaker, I have learned how the way I live naturally, is described in scripture.

Ever since I learned the Ten Commandments, and understood them, I made up my mind if I followed the first commandment, I would not have to worry about the other nine. I have lived with the intentions of being a good person and to do my best to leave people better than I found them. I not only learned the name for how I live peacemaker, I learned the term for what I call denial, is peace faker, which is my husband.

With him being a peace faker and me being a peacemaker, it is no wonder once I stopped reacting and began responding as I knew God would want me; he has been able to trust me more. Peace fakers fear conflict and rarely want to engage. They will ignore, deny, overlook for as long as it keeps folk silent. Their ability to overlook makes it easier for them to forgive if they are matched with a peacemaker whose desire is to do what is best for all involved.

Before I began seeking God's will and acting accordingly, and not the way I saw my mother, and her mother act in their marriages; my husband could not trust I would not harm him with my tongue. I gave that up and since he has been ill, I have been able to temper my tongue. This is a great accomplishment.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Everything Must Change

Nothing static smes the same. This especially goes for humans. We change. Being married so long has shown me this in many ways. Not just because of the chronic illness, but the natural aging process is a miracle. I have come to appreciate it all. I want successful relationships, so I accept the inevitability of change.
Everything must change.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


When we want things, even good things, we can go too far. We run the risk of putting too much value on things. I was definitely guilt of this. My desires were mainly concentrated towards food for a long time. I spent a lot of money on food.

Food was my God for a long time. I learned to hard way that everything that is good to you is not good for you. I became obese desiring to have more than my body needed.

I have learned to minimize my desires, especially with food. I haven't gained weight in seven years. I have actually been able to pay attention to when I have had enough and not overeat, or go back for seconds.

Getting your desires under control and putting them into proper perspective is hard, but necessary for a healthy life.

Chronic Illness-7

When he takes his medication as prescribed, he cannot stand without assist, walk without a can, or sit without falling to sleep. I took him to the doctor yesterday and it was so sad to see how frustrated and embarrassed he was to have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair to be able to get around.

It is difficult, but I will say I do not feel any resentment or anger towards him. I really want him to live. I want him to have a chance to utilize some of the things he has learned. Even though he is not taking care of himself at the right level, he does listen to me more and allows me to give him suggestions. I didn't think we would reach this level of understanding.

He will have to have surgery again this Thursday because he has developed complications at the sight. I pains me to see him in so much pain. He has no idea how much I pray and cry for him. My sensitivity level has always been high, but with him it is truly like I feel every ache he does.

We were supposed to go out Derby night, but we ended up in the emergency room. I really wanted to party and I know he did too, but it would have been taking too much of a risk for him to get bumped on that arm considering anywhere we would have went would have packed. We stayed home. We both really like to go out and have a good time. His health has hindered that greatly.

Using My Talents

My husband and I were talking the other day and the subject came up about whether or not people were jealous of me. I questioned him as to why he thought they would be. "Because of the way you are."

"Because of the way I am? That's a pretty broad statement. Do you mean my personality?"

"Yeah," he replied.

I didn't question him anymore. I could tell he was uncomfortable talking about the subject, because to a certain extent he is jealous of me too.

People are not necessarily jealous of "me," but it is more of a situation where they recognize my authenticity and they may yearn to be more authentic themselves. Instead of working on themselves, they may choose to focus on me. I know he does.

I have known for years that he wished he could be more like me. I think over the years he's settled for "being married to me." I think he thinks that somehow makes him more like me. He is so quick to state, "we are as one." Yet, when he wants to do things I would never do, he does them anyway, because he is who he is, plain and simple.

I don't think about what other people think about me. Yet, there are some things you just can't ignore. The more I express myself in different venues, the more "haters" I accumulate. I noticed this early in life and developed the habit of not getting too close to folk because I am such an overachiever. I got to the point were I got tired of explaining myself to people. There are people who feel you are supposed to be modest and not show that you know certain things, or step up to handle certain situations. That's not me. I am capable and I know it.

For years my husband had a problem with the fact if he didn't do something that needed to be done, I'd do it. I'm not a nag, but I am also not a passive individual. There have been times when he has felt like I stomped on his manhood. Many of those times it wasn't a question of his manhood, as much as his adulthood was in question. I took care of the adult business he was willing to just let slide because he was immature enough to do so. I truly believe he would have preferred me to just let things fall apart, rather than to step up to the plate.

I get the same BS on the job. Others are so content to "go along, to get along." Whereas, I refuse to follow the crowd. If there is something that needs to be said or done, I do or say it. There is very little progress that happens when procrastination is involved.

Whether folk are jealous of me or not, I do not care. I have worked for everything I have. I have taken the time to micromanage myself to find out the things that were eating up my time. I know my strengths and I play to them. I know my limitations and faults and I do what I can to stay within my range of competency, no matter avenue I choose to go down.

I am a winner. Plain and simple. I think like a winner. I act like a winner and I expect to win. My biggest competitor is myself. I do not measure myself against anyone else. No one has anything I want, because all I want is to fulfill my life's purpose, learn to love unconditionally, and so the things that make me happy.

I am using my talents daily and I know God is pleased. Don't hate, appreciate!

Friday, May 6, 2011

My Youngest

My youngest daughter has a lot of health issues. She is also very oppositional defiant and always has been. She has never been one to respect authority, always believing she knows more than she does.

A constant phrase I've had to use with her throughout her 14 years is, "You're only --. You haven't lived long enough to know what you think you know."

She applied to go a local high school, but refused to let me help her. Her essay was weak and could have been written better on the provided paper. She just threw something together and it came across as such. When she got the rejection letter, she cried. I told her, "You should have let me help you."

I knew she needed my help, but she didn't. I am hoping this situation will help her see she does not know enough to get to where she wants to go. I pray she will accept the parenting I am capable of giving her. She just doesn't know. She has the type of mother who will let her fail. I will not run and save her from herself every time. She's gonna have to learn the hard way.

So Called Friends

I don't have anymore so-called friends in my life anymore. For the most part, the people in my life are the kind of people I can deal with on a day-to-day basis. When I had so-called friends, I seldom spent any time with them because it was too hard to deal with the BS.

So-called friends limit themselves. They only give so much, but usually take a lot. They are they as long as things are benefiting them, but don't you dare need anything, they will always find a way to wiggle out of being there for you.

I am a good friend. I can say this because I make a great effort to be a good friend. I am thoughtful, kind and honest with my friends. When they need me, I do all I can to be there for them. So-called friends are rarely available and this may be a good thing. They know they don't have anything to offer.

If you're dealing with so-called friends, let them go. Friendship is too important to have hanger-ons.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

The More I Know

The more I know, the more I know I don't know much. I am a lifelong student and it feels good to be open to new things. So many of us lead with our negative thoughts. This only blocks us from the ability to truly grow as a person. So many people get to a point where they think they know it all.

I am grateful I know there is so much more to learn and that I willing to keep learning until the day I die. To many I come off as a "know-it-all." In reality, I am confident when I am talking about what I do know. My confidence threatens some and baffles many. You see, I am a black woman, with classic features, natural hair and a down-to-earth personality. I really wish I had nickle for every time someone has talked to me with preconceived notions, only to be blown away by finding out they were wrong in all of their assumptions.

Many assume I want to control my surroundings. This is not true. I am just as comfortable being a follower as I am a leader. Many are surprised to find that I am an excellent listener. This really blows folks minds because I like to talk. Many think I'm a cold fish. My husband says I carry myself like a person who is unapproachable. I'm not unapproachable, I just don't want to deal with bullshit, so I wear my bullshit repellent face.

The more I know, the more I believe people are capable of great things. Do something great today. You have it in you.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Be The Change

So many people get hung up on what their spouse is and is not doing, that they don't recognize the log in their eye. You would be surprised how your partner would change, if you began acting like you think they should. We are mirrors of each other. God intends that we help each other grow as people.

We must allow our spouses to be themselves. Unconditional love is the order of the day. I feel so blessed to have found someone who is so different from me, but has learned to love me as I am and let me be the person I feel I need to be.

He gets me and although some of what he gets does not sit well with him, he loves me still. Be the change you want to see in your marriage.

Family Ties

My son is going through his "breaking away" period. He is finally looking at my husband and myself without his rose colored glasses and he does not like what he sees. We should be better, do better, give more.

He and his father have mended a riff that I thought for sure would keep them apart forever. Somehow my son was able to accept he was wrong and he apologized to my husband, who accepted with grace.

When we talked, my husband told me he was very angry over the initial falling out and wanted to physically retaliate. He said he thought about how to deal with the situation for weeks and he eventually prayed for guidance and felt God wanted him to do nothing, which he did. I told him I was just trying to keep my family together and he agreed he had the same purpose.

I was very proud of my husband as I too thought he would do something impulsive, but was so glad that as everyday passed, so did his anger. My husband has done a lot to hurt my son. My son has struggled with how to feel about who he thinks his father should be and who he is. I tell him all the time, "it doesn't matter in the end, he is still your father and to live a good life, you must honor that."

I am a happy woman. My dysfunctional family is functioning on a higher level as each day goes by. With the tension gone we can all get about our business of loving and taking care of each other as families ought to do. We will never be perfect, but were perfectly fine with our imperfections.

My son and husband have a lot to work out and I'm just grateful to God that my husband is finally growing up enough to be able to handle his role as father. It is such a beautiful thang.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Chicken Christians

There are a group of Christian folk who refuse to believe they are not supposed to suffer. They think because they believe, they are exempt.

I was having a conversation with a young man who claims to believe in Jesus. He is going through something right now and wants it to just be over. He doesn't want to change his ways or to suffer the consequences of his actions. I told him, "You say you believe. Then you should know the whole purpose of Jesus' life was to show us that we can suffer and will suffer and that it is a part of our life's purpose. If God did not spare His only son from suffering, what makes you think you don't have to?"

Of course he could not say anything and many folk are left speechless when I bring this fact to their attention. These chicken Christians are not glorifying God, instead they are running from God's promise by dodging suffering at all cost.

I accept and embrace the suffering in my life because I know God is using it to further His plans. I do my best to be mindful of the fact that suffering is a natural part of who we are as humans. It helps put things in perspective if we pay attention to the opportunities for growth that usually are present when we are in tough situations.

These Chicken Christians play a huge role in the demise of values in this country. Their desire for pleasure and things keep them from living in a way that is pleasing to God. God wants to know He has followers who are willing to be used to spread His message. When folk realize they have to really get involved for folk to see God, they react like the cowards they are and do all they can to avoid problems and suffering.

Chicken Christians are the ones who get divorced for silly reasons, they don't help others, they lie to themselves trying to make themselves believe that as long as they don't hurt anybody, they are okay. Sometimes it is not about hurting, but helping. Sometimes God wants to use us to be a blessing to others. Yes, even folk we don't think deserve it.

Love, forgiveness, understanding, patience, loyalty? We are mandated to share these emotions with each other. Instead, we trade hate for hate, jealousy for jealousy, indifference for indifference. We need more Christians unafraid to be the light God expects His followers to be in the world.

People tell me I'm crazy for staying married to my husband. Some have said, "If you had divorced him, you wouldn't be going through what you are going through now."

Yes, it is hard watching his life life slowly leave him, but I truly believe it is all a part of my purpose in life. What I am going through now is the consequence of forgiving my husband completely. Still, I have no regrets. I will remain prayerful and true.

So Glad

I am so glad to be me. I can remember when I was afraid the world wouldn't accept me, so I kept to myself. I always felt it was okay to be me, I just think didn't anyone else could understand me, and I was right to a great extent. People don't get me. They always seem to be puzzled by the way I express myself, how I walk, how I talk, how I move.

It never fails that after I meet someone and talk to them for 15 minutes, they're saying, "I thought you where this, that or the other."

I am so glad I now know they don't have to get me. People don't have to like me. They don't have to love me. They just have to leave me alone and I will do the same for them. I think people spend too much time caring about what other people think. You can be assured, ten minutes after folk leave your funeral, they'll be going on with their lives like you never existed. Be glad for you and live you life. Other folk sure will.

Not Kidding Myself

I'm not kidding myself about my situation. I know there is a great possibility my husband could return to his old ways once he is feeling better. There is always a plan.

Until I have to think it about, I won't. I plan to enjoy the time we have now, because that's all we get. We don't get more than one day at a time and I plan to live each day to the fullest.

I do believe some of the changes he has made, and the insights he has had will be permanent. He is praying more and that's the most important thing. When he first got sick, the devil still had such a tight grip on him, until he would become angry if I even mentioned prayer. Now, I hear him praying randomly and praising God for allowing him to feel better than he did the day before.

I asked him if he recognized how much time we spend together; how we are always with each other? He said, "I was just thinking about that the other day." I know he's surprised at how well we get along. He's surprised because he can't take credit for it. If I would, we'd still disagree about almost everything, but I have figured out what caused most of our arguments and I avoid going to those places and it works.

No, I"m not kidding myself. I know a leopard does not change its stripes, but it can be tamed, with time.