Thursday, March 31, 2011

Too Young

They were too young to know they wouldn't feel the same within ten years. Young love is wonderful, but not all young lovers should marry. The divorce rate is highest amongst these couples. I know a couple who thought they knew, thought they could, but didn't stand a chance. They were too young to fall in love, and they were too young to know. Now their marriage is ending because they couldn't figure out how to meet each others needs and infidelity. The wife could have forgiven for the infidelity, but the deceitful nature of the husband would not allow it. He ended up trapped in his web of lies. What a waste.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Good, Better, Best

Things are a lot better in my marriage. I can tell he is present because he comments on almost every move I make. Although he is normally attentive, he is now doing more listening, instead of selective listening. I told him I recognized how he's more willing to accept the truth. He still dodges it, but he comes back around faster. I'm looking forward to feeling that we are at our best. I am glad I can be good to him. I harbor no resentment. I am not bitter and I know this has a lot to do with why our marriage is better.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Nothing Lasts Forever

The longer you live, the more you know, nothing lasts forever. I continue to marvel at how so many people just keep believing that nothing will change. What a waste of human potential.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Poor Child

My poor son really thinks his being anger with me matters to me. It does not. He is angry because I told him I was disappointed he graduated with D's. He could have applied himself so much more, but instead used school as a networking and social avenue. It meant more to him to be liked and popular than to use his wonderful brain and learn and grow. He cannot take criticism, but has done little to warrant much more. Poor child, he's mad. I'll tell him like to old schooler's told us, "he'd better scratch his ass and get glad." Glad for the type of mother who allows their children to process and self-regulate.

Laughing More

My husband and I are laughing more and more everyday. I am so glad I am not bitter and resentful at this stage in our marriage. The divorce rate is highest amongst our age group. I know it is because when really know who they are by this age and many catch up with what they shoulda, coulda, woulda did if they only knew what they thought they knew in the first place. They usually divorce to try to regain what they should have never given up in the first place. Marriage does not require you to lose yourself. Marriage requires that you share yourself. So many of us lose ourselves because we didn't know who we were in the first place. Getting married before you know you, will most likely lead to disaster. I am so glad I knew who I was when I married. Yeah, I gave a lot of myself in the beginning, but I have since come to believe a certain amount of "giving to much" is inevitable until you learn what "too much" is. When I recognized what too much was, I pulled back. No one even noticed, not really, they just began to do whatever it was I had taken charge of and given back to them. We are laughing more because I resent less. We are laughing more because I learned to love more and so has he.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Because of HIm

Because of him, I have learned to love on a level I may not have with any other man. He was hard to love, but I did it. I learned to love him in the way he needed and it was because of him. He has stretched me beyond what I thought I could do in a relationship.

I'm not easily swayed. I don't open up, or let my guard down. Somehow, he was able to penetrate all that and drew me in.

Now, that he is so sick. It amazes that I recognize how much I have truly let go of our past. He is the same man that has hit me, cheated on me, lied to me, abandoned me, ignored and be abusive and dismissive in general to me. Yet, I have truly forgiven him for all that and am looking forward to better days.

I still believe and feel strongly that as long as he is alive, he can turn things around. He can be redeemed, if only he will repent.

Because of him, I know what it feels like to be adored and wanted. I know what making love really is and I know how it feels to have a man desire me. Because of him, I've known the difference between those who where for me, and those who were just with me. He has been there and still is.

Because of him, I am the woman I want to be. Because of him, I have had to let go of a lot of misconceptions about men in general. I have had to learn to let a man be a man, because of him. Because of him, I'm freer than I would have been had I not had him in my life.

Because of him, I have learned to love and be loved.

Chronic Illness-4

He went! He went and had the first round of preliminary test done. We had a very serious talk. I was so proud that I was able to walk away when the talking the was becoming unproductive.

Even though I had been up all night, I went with him for support. On the way I say, "I told you I'd be here for you."

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I Got The Feeling

I am having feelings of detachment and that's a good thing. I feel so far away from most people I meet in many ways. I am a faith-filled person. I lean on hope and thrive off of love. Self-love saved me from a life of regret and allowed to do what is mandated of me. I know how to love.

I am experiencing feelings of disconnect and that's a good thing. The world is so full of people seeking things to make them feel loved, or whole. I know that I have myself t remind me of love. I know I do not need the approval of man of man to live may life. I am fully aware of the pitfalls of leaning too much on my own understanding, to I have learned to go with the flow and let life unfold.

I am sure I feel go most of the time and glad I feel all of the time. I am a living, breathing, woman open to life and all it has to offer. I'm glad I got the feeling thing going on.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

As Far As We Have Come

For many of us, as far as we have come is just as far as we are behind. Our plantation mentalities keep us from moving ahead. Folk with plantation mentalities are still waiting to be freed. They still see slavery in many aspects of life, although they have not lived it.

These folk are the ones who remain victims and have little victory in their lives because they are still thinking with a slave mentality.

Wake up and step up. Deal with now, it is all we have.

Chronic Illness-3

Since my husband has been taking his mediation, he has been sleeping a lot better. He still has problems breathing because fluid is building up in his body. He somehow keeps ignoring the fact he is in kidney failure.

Even though he threw up blood Weds, Thurs, and Friday of last week, he still can somehow overlook the fact. I cannot. It is getting to me. More and more I am turned off by his lack of self-care. It is very unattractive.

He never asks me how I'm doing in relation to what he's going through. He really does have the expectation that I will take care of him. I can see there is no doubt in his mind. My problem is I think he thinks I'm supposed to WANT to do it. Yes, I vowed to, but I don't want to.

I can't stand throw up, especially not bloody throw up, but he'll do it and leave the pan in the middle of the floor like he has someone to empty it for him. I finally had to say something because I'm not a nurse and I don't have the stomach for the whole thing. I'm okay with talking to him about his feelings, when he can recognize them, but all the rest is not for me. I don't mind making sure he eats right and has what he needs, but I am not a nurse. I cannot successfully make myself grin and bear it. It makes me sick to see him sick.

Chronic illness is torture for both the ill person and the ones that live with them.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't

My son has really shown himself to be the mean little so-in-so I knew he'd be. If he can't have things the way he wants, then he's upset. It so sad how selfishness and self-centeredness can overtake a person.

"This is definitely nature, because he sure wasn't nurtured that way." This is what my daughter said after listening to my son go off about how he was this, that and the other. He actually, at 20 years old has the nerve to call others losers, when he has done nothing to indicate he won't be one himself.

He barely made it out of high school because he let everything go until the last minute, yet in still he has the nerve to elevate himself. I told my daughter, "You know, a lot of people are like that. They try to make themselves feel more important than they are to over compensate for their short comings.

My son is a wonderful young man. He is polite and well mannered, but he has a lot to learn about life and living. He thinks because he knows who is is today, that he will always be that way. I told him, "Son, life is about choices. Sometimes you can choose the right thing and it still comes out wrong."

You're damned if you and damned if you don't as a parent. This is why I have always chosen to make sure I do my job as a parent. I know I've done right by my son. I know he's gotten the best of me. He knows he is loved. He knows he is adored. It is now up to him to be the man he thinks he is.

He looks down on me because I stay with his father. I tell him all the time. "Son, you would love to have a woman like me." He will get it sooner or later.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

It Is Getting Worse

It is getting harder and harder to watch his life slowly leave him. The sparkle in his eye. His willingness to go out. His zest for life, all have been zapped away by kidney failure.

His mother is currently experiencing the exact same thing he is now. He wants to be there for her, but he's too weak to hold his head up most of the time.

What do I do? The best I can.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Don't Mind

I don't mind the silent periods my husband and I go through. He seems to a lot, but they don't bother me. Why do we have to talk all the time? I don't feel it is necessary, especially not at this stage in the game. I'm not going anywhere, he ain't going nowhere, we have time to get things said that need to be said.

We put too much pressure on ourselves to be this, that and the other, when we should concentrate on just being sometimes.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

What Really Matters

I find people do not know what really matters. When I look at how materialistic and driven to consume we have become as a country, I am frightened.

When I was a child, I remember thinking my parents loved money. I spent many of my early years thinking money was evil and had a certain amount of fear when it came to dealing with it. As I got older, and understood the use of money, I evened out some. I no longer thought my parents loved money, but understood they knew how to use it.

Still, I believe most of us in this country does not know what really matters. We are chasing something and you would think it was in the malls, and shopping centers. Guess what? What matters can only be found within. Love!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Passing Us By

Someone I met two weeks ago was murdered, yes literally gunned down, a few days ago.

I experienced a feeling I hadn't in a long time. Where I grew up, it was common place to see someone one day, and they would be dead the next. It is a horrible feeling a hadn't had in many, many years.

The other day when I saw the person on the news, that feeling hit me. That feeling of the reality that for many, life is just passing them by. That young man gave his life away. For the most part, he was a hard working family man, but there was a side of him that craved the streets. What he didn't know is the streets are hungry too.

Peace dear brother.

Peer Pressure

I know I mentioned my son and husband fell out once again. This time my son was all the way wrong, but allowed his built up resentment and anger override his logical thinking.

Thank God peer pressure can be positive. One of his friends helped him to see that he was wrong in the actions he took. We talked and I am even more proud of my son who apologized and listened to me. He said, "Mom, I don't ever want us to have an argument like that again."

I let him know he needed to have his say and that I was not mad at him and that I hoped he could find away to reach out to his dad. We will see.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

It Really Can Get Better With Time

Things can get better with time because we can get better with time. The other day my husband and I were talking about how neither one of us have to true model for divorce in our families. His parents are the only couple on his side of the family to divorce, even though years later they got back together and are to this day.

On my side, I have an uncle who divorced and he too is back with his wife who he had been married to for 25 years. My husband immediately said, "Well, anyway, their divorce didn't affect me." Before I could open my mouth, he recanted stating, "Yes it did. It did have an effect on me." I was very proud of him. For years he would argue with me how his parents splitting didn't cause much of the disarray he found himself in at 15. He wanted to believe he made the choice to sleep in cars, in basements, alleys, wherever someone would let him, because his parents were no longer thinking of the children.

For years he hung on to the belief that he was in control of his decisions. That he somehow wanted to be on his own making a life full of mistakes and regrets because he had no parental guidance. By the time I came into his life, he was a felon with low self-esteem and even less hope. I was hopeful, but my self-esteem was just as low. Although my parents had not divorced legally, their emotional divorce was not as amicable as it could have been, so they were very distant and disrespectful towards each other at times.

This gave me a great distaste for marriage in my early years. I have come to appreciate their efforts to keep our family together despite their obviously disliking of each other. It made an important impact on how my siblings and I view and move through the world. It gave us a sense of being worthy because my parents were adult enough to recognize their happiness was up to them and they were obligated to give us the best life possible.

My husband and I talk openly for the most part. He still tries to use projection, denial, and silence to make it through the rough times. I give him time to come around, but I never drop a subject that is important. If it takes years, I make sure we work through stuff.

It really can get better with time and our relationship is an example of that possibility.

Monday, March 14, 2011

When He Looks at Me

When my husband looks at me I can see the sorrow in his eyes. I see the remorse, the hurt, the pain, of not being the man or husband I needed.

When he looks at me I know, I know he hates he didn't try harder, especially now that it may be too late.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

The Spectator

I've never be a conformist, even when I was; I did it my way. I must say I've completely succeeded in topping my own expectations of compassion, understanding and empathy. My husband is reaping what he has sewn in so many ways.

Yesterday brought with it the realization that "it ain't over," and maybe won't be until somebody is in jail, or hurt. Even with the seriousness of the situation, I feel no fear. I know God has my back.

My husband is in such a bad way. He went outside today and literally fell in my arms twice. I had to escort him into the house, where he has been for a solid weak. He very well may have waited too late. He may have denied himself directly into his grave. We will see.

At this point, I am like a spectator, I watching and waiting for the change to come.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Chronic Illness-2

He has been taking his medication because he is sleeping better. I cannot imagine what it most feel like to be in his body. His blood pressure had been high for so long until he didn't feel normal when it was normal. He can barely function when his numbers are where they should be. He conditioned his body to deal with the high pressure and blood sugar levels.

Now, the diseases these elevated numbers cause have got a hold on him. Even though it is sad, one of the effects of his illness has been reflectiveness. He has become more aware and available. His attitude about life is still way off, but at least he is paying more attention.

The approach I have taken is very hard for me. I am a producer. But in this situation there is nothing I can do. I have truly learned to let go and let God. Because of this, I am happy. With all the chaos going on around me, the haters, the liars, the wanna be's, etc., I am untouched, because I have learned I am not in control of anything, or anyone outside of my body.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

How Could I Let You Get Away?

My husband is trying desperately to make up with me. He has continued to disrespect me, take advantage of my love and kindness, and take me for granted. I put a stop to it and of course he is now trying to act like nothing happened. He is a "sweep it under the rug," kinda guy. It is such a waste of time, because the lump of sh*t only gets bigger under the rug. Eventually you will trip over it.

I do believe it has gone to far.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Still Working

I am most definitely still working on me. Yeah, I do have my stuff together in many ways, but there is so much about me that is just not cool. My anger is the major problem. Although I am very proud of how well I have been doing, I still get way too angry, too fast. I still want to say hurtful things, whether I do or not. I don't want to be like that. I want to be able to walk away and really walk away.

Anger is one of those emotions we need that if gone unchecked can destroy use. It's like consuming too much food. The overflow has to go somewhere. When it is unchecked anger, it is hard to find folk that want to be around you. You seethe and burn, while others forget about their infraction.

I'm still working on me.

Monday, March 7, 2011


I recently met someone who has had no problem letting me know they do not like me. I have literally only seen her five times, but each times she sees me she makes it clear she does not like me.

I wonder how people like that make it through the day. I know when I was evil like that, I was miserable. She has to be. Especially since she can tell I could give a flying shit whether she likes me or not. I am not a people pleaser.

Seriously though, what is the point of wasting hate on folk you don't even know? It is bad enough hating someone who has actually done something to you, but to hate someone you don't know, what a waste of time.

I wish her well in her endeavor to move me with her dislike and disrespect.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Death Sentence

My husband will have to go on dialysis. His kidneys are poisoning his body. He sees the process as a death warrant. I told him not to go through it will mean death for sure.

He vomits constantly. You would think he would run to any treatment that would relieve that. No, not him. He'd rather live in denial and pay for it every minute.

I'm so numb. I did all I could not to let myself get to this point and I ended up here anyway. I wanted to feel better about helping him when he needs me, but that won't happen. He had to turn me against him. After 25 years, he still can't accept I love him just because he is alive. He's unhappy with who he is and hates me for seeing more than he is willing to actually be.

What a sad feeling I have sometimes. I saw us doing so much more. Even if he was healthy, he wouldn't be of the mind to do the things I would want to do. Just seeing how he is holding on to his self-destructive ways, while sick, lets me know it is not meant for me to get what I need from him.

He has almost killed himself viewing dialysis as a death sentence. In all reality, this just may be the thing to save his life.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

My Brother

I think my brother is one of the most talented, intelligent men I have ever encountered. Too bad he is a product of his environment. It was his choice. He was certainly raised to be different, but the pull of the streets won over the rule of the house.

Now, he lives mediocre life. I wish him well.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Know You

To stay in a marriage and feel you are not personally getting your needs met by your spouse can only be done effectively if you know you. I truly believe we could deal with things better if we truly have a handle on who we are and what we need, want and desire.

Unfortunately, so many of us are lost we have no idea as to what we want or how to get. We think we know what we want, but usually those thoughts are based on what someone else told us we should expect, or reject. Folk very seldom go into marriage really knowing what they want out of it for real.

Know you and you can do you, no matter what the situation. If you believe, nothing can break you. Honor your commitments.

The Real Deal

One thing I can say for sure, when you meet me you meet the real deal. I don't feel entitled to your respect so I will respect you first, in hopes you will respect. If you cannot, then we can do it your way.

I'm not a quitter. I'm not a loser. I am not looking for something for nothing. I am not afraid to stand up for what I know is right. I know I have been bought and paid for, therefore I owe no man.

Like millions before me, and millions to come after, I am not in the most ideal marital relationship. The person I married turned out to be a lot different than me in ways that keep us from communicating on a level I can handle. I was a victim of romance, of wallowing in my own grief brought on by the realization I was not loved by my primary caretakers. I wore the hurt and pain of my childhood like a badge. I chose another wounded soul, but what masked as confidence was pure male ego, and macho bullshit.

Kind, generous at times, good manners, thoughtful and attentive; he fooled me. These were his tools of manipulation to lure his victim into his web of lies, deceit, and out right foolishness. By the time, I figured all this out, we had two kids, etc.

I decided to become a martyr for marriage because I am strong enough to delay my needs, wants and desires for what I know in the long run will be better for my family. I'm the real deal. The ride or die chick. The one that will be there to the end.

No Shame

I must say I feel better. Now that I have made the mental transition from believing the relationship would survive, I can accept my marriage on the terms that are realistic.

I do not believe divorce is the answer, at least not at this point. I am truly a martyr for marriage when it comes to having children in the home and I still have a 14 year old who can benefit from having her father in her life on a daily basis. I am willing to give credit where credit is due.

I am confident we will not change towards each other. We know our boundaries and this is a good thing.

We are not the first couple to stay together for the sake of the family unit. Hopefully we won't be the last. Married folk need to be mature enough to get along. We need to learn how to engage each with our best in mind and refuse to think the worse of them, just because we may really know the worse. Our kids are worth us making the effort to model people who may not like each other, live together and get along.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

It Sounds Good

It sounds good when I say, I believe in the institution of marriage and I am staying because I believe my marriage is God ordained and to leave it right now, would not be what God wants.

It sounds good, but is very hard to live. Especially when you realize that just because you understand the big picture, you still have to live the day-to-day and be human at the same time. If I wanted to deny my humanness, I guess I could take up my cross and not mention the pain, but being human, I have to say ouch when it hurts and I'm hurting right now.

As I watch my husband's health fail, as I watch him help it fail, it is a constant reminder that he will never be a better husband to me. I fully get that what I see is what I get and that making the best out of it is about all I can expect. It is very painful to accept this.

What makes the pain almost unbearable is the fact I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with anyone else. I can't imagine ever dating, or wanting to marry again. With all my belief in marriage, this bad one has most definitely made me feel I would not do it again with someone else.

Now that I have accepted I will not have the husband I deserve through the man I'm married to, I question is this a marriage?

Of course it is. It's not a real good marriage, but it is a marriage nonetheless. Marriage is much more than the relationship between the two people. Marriage is more about maintaining and managing the shared incomes, children, household etc. I would say the relationship is about 20% of what marriage is really about. The other 80% is about all the other stuff which people tend to get done, but do not take the time to work on the 20%. This is why folk can be married for 50 years and get a divorce. As soon as they are faced with the 20%, the marriage is over.

For us, we do the 80% fine, it is when we try to deal with the 20% that problems arise. We've done some great things in our union. The fact we've been together for 25 years and not killed each other is amazing. We actually have done some very important things right and this is why we've stayed together so long. I will talk about them in another blog.

Wouldn't Change a Thing

My relationship with my husband has been a huge disappointment. The numbness I feel is almost unbearable at times. Knowing I will never get what I've needed from him has caused me to recognize I have never been loved by a man.

My father didn't love me, my brother didn't love me, and my son doesn't show me love, and my husband doesn't love me. I may live my whole life and never know how it feels to experience love from the male species.

With all that, I wouldn't change a thing. I have grown in every way imaginable and it has been because I have had to go into myself and deal with me, love me, protect me, and be there for me. Not having what I need has made me more determined to meet my own and I have learned to do that.

Maybe if I had had the love I think I deserve, I wouldn't have learned to love myself. Either way, I wouldn't change a thing.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I Keep Holding On

Yes, the thrill is gone, but I keep holding on. I hold on mainly because that is what I do, but also because if I am not going to get a divorce, I do need to be open to the possibility things could one day be different. Even though I doubt it, I still have hope, because all else has failed.

Right now my husband is in the dog house and probably will be for a while. I cannot imagine him doing anything to make things better. That is not his style. He would much rather blame me for his shortcomings than to deal with the fact he has not put forth the effort to make this marriage better.

I keep holding on for the sake of my daughter who does benefit from having her dad in her life and it will pay off later more than now and I know this. It is only four more years. I've done 25, four more won't kill me.