Monday, June 27, 2011

Waiting to Exhale

I really watched the movie Waiting to Exhale yesterday. I kept referring back to how I related to it the first time I watched it. When I saw it the first time, I cheered on Bernie as she destroyed her husband's things and sold them for a $1. Now, I only see waste of emotion, time, energy, money. Today, I think she should have just been glad to know, dealt with her hurt and pain, and yes, I do believe she should have gotten what she deserved.

She did help him get to where he was and she deserved to be compensated for it. She didn't have the right to hurt him because he hurt her.

Gloria: I only related to how she related to food. I've never been the desperate, clingy type.

Whitney Houston's character didn't affect me much either. I didn't struggle with not having a man and I most definitely was not into married men. When she came to her senses, it made me feel good.

The other girl, pure foolishness. She meant it when she said she wanted everything, not knowing that translated into nothing, because she didn't know who she was.

Ironically, I related most to the Wesley Snipes character. When he described how he was watching his wife die, it really struck a cord, (as I listen to my husband vomit right now). His revelation that he loved his wife and that he would never leave her. All that sounded like something I'm living.

I get what other people see, but they don't know and what they don't know makes all the difference in the world. My husband will be loved until the day he dies. We are all here for him doing our best to make sure he knows that. My children are getting a great lesson in unconditional love. I know God's plan for me and I'm just waiting to exhale.

Chronically Ill-11

I lost my cool yesterday. I yelled at him because he continuously tried to do things for himself, when he could barely hold his head up. He kept getting up going towards the door and literally falling to the floor each time.

The last time I caught him by the arm and asked him what he wanted. He said he wanted water. "Why don't you ask for what you want. Why are you trying to do stuff for yourself when you can't." I yelled at the top of my lungs. I was furious, but I hadn't recognized it.

"Stop yelling at me," he yelled as long as he could before losing breath, then said, "Fuck you," in a muffled tone.

He just has to fight and I know that is the only thing that is keeping him alive. His natural inclination to go against everything. But he can fight all he wants, his kidneys are gone. He has thrown up for at least four days. He looks and feels so frail.

I've never heard him openly call on God for help as much. The suffering really must be great. He consistently refused to go to the hospital. When I yelled at him I told him, "I'm not a nurse. Go to the hospital. The nurses won't yell at you."

He can't see himself. He doesn't want to change, yet he needs people. He is completely vulnerable right now. I really feel sorry for him. I really do.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

I Did It for Love

My husband and I have been married 22 years as of this Saturday. We are at a maintaining stage. The dynamics are interesting. We were talking and he mentioned the fact we don't talk to each other much. I reminded him about how he was when we first got together. He would cut me off if I tried to have general conversation with him. He didn't want to hear it, if it wasn't directly related to us. Then, there was the factor that he was never around. I learned to write in my journal or whatever to get things off my mind.

Surprisingly, he couldn't say a word. He has been harping on our lack of communication for over 10 years. I used to become defense because I had not recognized the reason it occurred. I personally am not a big talker in very intimate relationships. I like the feeling of us both doing what we want, but are content knowing the other is around.

As much as I love to talk, I don't have to do it. I stopped trying to figure him out and just let him tell me who he was through his actions. He has shown me well. Now that he is so ill, I rarely think about anything "he has done to me." What he is doing to himself is incredible. It is amazing how a person came be so willing to give up their lives just because it would be hard to reclaim it.

Yes, he is at death's door. You can literally see it in his eyes. The dog never leaves his side. All the signs are there. Yet, somehow, he finds the strength to be mean spirited, misguided, and in denial. He is still playing with the devil. Allowing himself to be used in the worse way, against the people who care the most. But, ain't that just typical of us humans? We spend so much time trying to find a way to get back, put down, dismiss a person. We get caught up in being right, or knowing better for others, until we lose sight of our only truly command and that is to love others as you love yourself.

So, here we are at the 22ND year mark. I spent the day with my 14 year old who completed a six month community workshop called Reclaiming our Youth. She attended every event and was rewarded with The Most Positive Attitude Award. She is a delightful person. I've done all I could to allow her to maintain her sweetness and kindness. Her dad has too. He loves on her, when he's not nagging her. I can only pray there is a balance there somewhere.

He has been sick for the last three days. He didn't go to the event. I am sure this upset her, but she did not let on. I went in tremendous back pain. My arthritis is kicking up again. I can barely function. I need to go to the doctor.

All-in-all, our anniversary turned out to be just another "business as usual," day. We did spend intimate time at the turn of the morning, and I said, "Happy Anniversary," and he said, "Likewise." If you are asking yourself, "why does she stay?" The answer is I did it for love.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Got to Get Away

For years I have been saying I am going to take a retreat and take care of me the right way. I feel blessed to be as together as I am and not have had the true alone time I've needed. A strong mind can truly carry you a long way, but there is nothing like having to do nothing but you, that can't be beat.

I long for the day I can take 30 days to do me. To get in my head, my mind, my soul, my heart. To really commune with God without distractions. I have got to get away. I will find a way.

Chronically Ill-10

My husband is down to 190 pounds. He has only be less than that once and that was due to an abrupt lifestyle change. This time it is because his kidneys are only working at 10%. It is so frightening. I told him last week I could see in his eyes that he was sick. They looked as though the life was literally being drawn out of them.

They had planned an emergency surgery, but have sense postponed it. I don't know how much longer he can wait before he collapse. Yesterday he could barely function. He'd walk to the door and come running back to the room to find a seat. His head would be spinning.

I can only provide minimal support. His level of denial is too much for me to bare. He literally said to me, "I don't know why, but this all seems so all of a sudden." I looked at him and asked, "Really?" Wow! where has he been the last two years as his kidneys have been in decline. Who was the man the doctor's have been telling that dialysis was his fate if he did not take certain precautions?

Thank God for my ability to disassociate and stay focused on the real. We could not be more different if we tried. He is a fear filled man with limited desire to make a difference in his own life. Me, I couldn't imagine giving up on me, or denying what is right before my eyes, yet, we are lovers, partners, parents. God is so amazing.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

My Mind

I seriously feel a cosmic shift in my way of thinking. It seems as though in the last six months something has happened to me. I no longer have that longing I experienced for so long. Something is truly satisfied in my soul and it feels good and scary at the same time.

I didn't realized how much that longing ruled my mind. That constant feeling of needing to do, to be, to go, to learn, to search, could have made me neurotic. Instead, over that last few years, I have been able to soothe and calm my urges, rid myself of the gluttony that was sure to kill me, accept my limitations, and build upon my strengths.

Yes, I do credit the marriage I am in with helping me grow and acknowledge the need to keep doing so. My marriage helped me use my mind in ways that has allowed me to blossom into the woman I have always wanted to be. I'm not perfect by any means, wouldn't know what perfect looked like if it slapped me in the face. I do know that being authentically me has more benefits than seeking perfection.

Being me allows me to reach others because they can tell I am presenting who I am and not who I want them to see. My mind is good and strong and capable. I love my mind.

Get It Straight

Folk need to get it straight; there are no free rides. Everything is going to cost you something. Whether it is money, time, or attention; you will pay a price if you try to get by.

Now, I know, everybody ain't like me, 'take a lickin' and keep on tickin,' but still there are people who know they have to work for what they want, there has to be. I'm disappointed with the quality of workers that come into the job I am at. These folk don't want to do anything, but they want to be paid. Years ago someone gave me this short story:






Let's get it straight people, if you want something; work for it. If you have a job, do it. Stop looking for something for nothing. You are sure to get played, or sure to play yourself.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Never Give Your All

Even though I say I give my all, I never do. I never give everything I have to anyone any other human being. There is absolutely no one on this earth that means more to me than I do to myself. I can the share the love I have with others, but no one gets all of me.

My husband and I were watching a program and the woman talked about "Losing her mind," when she lost the love of her life. She was unable to function in her day-to-day life because she could not get over this man. This man who while alive, dogged her to no end was still controlling her after his death. Death should be relief, especially from pain.

Yet, day after day women everywhere are so caught up in their man, their kids, their jobs, that when it comes to time to deal with the realities of life, death, separation, etc., they lose their minds. Not me, I don't have to go anywhere, or be in a certain situation to take hold of myself, my mind is my primary weapon against any attack.

I use my mind to help me through. Sure I get down and have issue, but for the most part I don't let myself feel bad for more than three days. The fact I have great coping skills also makes the blows of life's easier to deal with. I just don't let stuff pile up. I deal with things as they come. This is how you stay sane. Most people let stuff build up and become a problem. I keep it moving.

Never give your all, you may need something for yourself one day. Peace

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Chronically Ill-9

The medication is working! I can see changes in all the right places. He is finally accepting he needs and has been taking it regularly. Because of that, his blood pressure has stabilized some and he has had less episodes. I am happy for me. Although he is in stage five kidney failure, and will need dialysis, for the first time I actually feel he may have a chance to live a better life.

He is reluctant to do the right thing, even though it is in his best interest. I am so amazed by this phenomenon where people know they should and could do better, but for whatever reason they don't. He is self-sabotaged all his life and just can't seem to change the pattern. This is such a sad situation because it is obvious God has something for him to do.

Anyway, I am excited about the possibilities. I am praying he will continue to take his medication, eat moderately, and begin to exercise. I do all I can to support his efforts to regain his health. Now that he sees taking his medication is making a difference, I sincerely pray and hope he will continue to move forward.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Giving Up

During a conversation about my not giving up, I asked my husband, "Why would I give up?" He said, "Because people get tired." I told him, "That's when you pray to God for strength. You don't give up."

This has always been the way I've lived my life. Many of my friends feel I should give up on my marriage and my job. Both of them are highly stressful, abusive in some ways, and causes a lot of conflict. None of which seems to bother me as much as it does others.

I have come to accept I understand spiritual principles on a level many others struggle with. Many people understand forgiveness, unconditional love, charity, peacemaking and reconciliation on a theoretical level, but are not able to apply these principles to their lives. They find it hard to forgive, to love unconditionally, to give without looking for something in return, to seek peaceful solutions that can facilitate win/win outcomes for all, or to truly reconcile their differences with themselves and others.

I, on the other hand, have since I can remember sought to learn how to become more able to love. I always loved the feeling I get when people are in harmony. That is why I love going to concerts. Those are some of the few times that people really get along, having a good time singing and laughing. Music truly is a great equalizer. Yet, outside of the concert experience, I rarely experience harmony with others. Folk are so mesmerized by the lives of others, or their own personal agendas, that they are incapable of recognizing out of touch with their spiritual needs.

I've never been willing to give up on me. When I was younger and felt discouraged or disappointed, I prayed for God to guide me. I did have a period of time when I thought I wanted to kill myself. I thought I didn't have a purpose, but that didn't last long. By the time I got into my 20's, I had a plan for my life and at no time did it include, giving up.

After 22 Years of Marriage

My husband and I had a wedding and a legal ceremony within a week of each other back in 1989. We have been married 22 years and each other's lives for 26. It has been a trip, but one worth taking. I like to say, I may not have been to paradise, but I most definitely have been to me. I grew to be the strong confident, capable black woman that I am because I stayed in my marriage.

My husband proved my theory that he has been acting out like a little child seeking attention all these years. He's been trying to get me to do to him what others have and that is give up on him. I asked him, "What is the most surprising thing about me you've learned?" He said, "How diligent you are. Do you ever give up?"

To be honest, I was still shocked by the statement. Even though I had theorized he was wanting me to quit, so he could, I didn't let that stop me from being the winner I am. I refuse to fail and like I told him, I don't spend too much time pursuing things, people, are opportunities that I feel I have little change of obtaining. I am a person who is solid in her convictions. I believe strongly in the importance of knowing what you want, going after it and appreciating it once you get it.

He is a quitter, even a loser in the eyes of many. He has spent most of our relationship in awe of me, I'd even venture to say being jealous of my ability to persevere. He wants to me give up, so he can. He often tells me if it weren't for me, he would probably be dead. For me, that is enough incentive to stay solid and be a model for integrity and tenaciousness he so desperately needs. I am a winner. Even when I lose, I win because I know that what was perceived to be a lost, wasn't meant for me in the first place.

His statement made me feel proud. I am proud that I have been able to be consistent with one person to the point of disbelief. If no one else knows, he knows I am dedicated, loyal, honest, capable, and willing. He knows I will go the extra and a half mile.

It has been said that no one can survive without some delusions. That man/woman has to have some sort of distorted view of something to hold to hope for something better. If this is true, I'm delusional in my marriage and I'm okay with that. I know it will never be exactly what I had hoped it would be. I got that. I also know that there was no way for me to know how it would turn out. Looking back, I'm grateful for the opportunity to be his wife and to know that I am making an impact on him that has is changing him for the better everyday.

He has helped me change too. I'm not the same girl I used to be either. I am a much better wife than I could have imagined being. After 22 years of marriage, I'm ready for another 22.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

49 1/2

Wow, I just can't believe that I am literally almost half a century old. I have lived half of 100 years. That is a great accomplishment considering where I came from, my past lifestyle, my mentality, and the fact I am a black in America.

I feel great. I feel as though I have contributed to the world in many ways. The most important being I have raised three productive citizens. At 49 1/2 I have given up all my insecurities, I know what I didn't know, and am ready to learn that which I have yet to discover. I embrace turning 50 with all my heart and soul. I look forward to being considered "seasoned." I hope I die with millions of laugh lines on my face. 50 will be the beginning of the next half of a life I cherish more than I ever thought I would.

I have conquered my weight issue. Haven't gained any in seven years. I am living a moderate life. I have successfully eradicated myself from the rat race and that has been my biggest accomplishment over the last 10 years. I've finally positioned myself to be the woman I want to be.

No, everything is not wonderful around me, but maturing has taught me how to deal with those things and maintain myself. This is something I struggled with for years and used food as an equalizer until it didn't work anymore. Now, I rely on myself to soothe myself and help myself through the painful, tedious, boring situations I find myself in at times.

Life is good!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

People Know Better

In our quest to live more positive lives, we have become a country filled with people who think they are better than the next person. More and more folk are writing and talking about leaving negative people behind. Too bad they don't realize there are no throw away people. We all have a purpose on this earth.

It is our perspective that determines whether a situation or person is negative. The very thing that may seem negative to you, wouldn't bother another person because of the way they choose to view the information they are presented with. I submit that many folk are negative themselves, so therefore they see negativity in most aspects of their lives.

I know from experience people are people. We all have different experiences, but we are basically the same. We all need love, affection respect, acknowledgement, but for some reason folk choose to be withholding. These same folk will profess to be Christians. Followers of Jesus who turned no one away, especially not the down and out. Yet, many of his followers today would be the first to turn a blind eye to someone in need. Many will try to find scripture to justify not doing right by someone else. This is the biggest tragedy.

People know better. They know they should be more empathetic, compassionate and understanding, but they are too self-centered and caught up in their on realities to do and be right.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

New Book

I am currently writing book five in the series Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage. The subtitle is The Cost of Forgiveness.

The other two books I wrote in the series deal with why and how I decided to reconcile with my husband instead of getting a divorce. This book will deal with the price I have had to pay for forgiving him.

Yes, the forgiveness brought relief, but it also meant that since I had chosen to forgive him, I still had to contend with the aftermath of the forgiveness. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean they change, or even that they are different. What it does mean, if it is true forgiveness, is that you do not bring up the matter anymore. You don't hold the past over their heads, and you treat them like you want to be treated.

What you soon find is people will always disappoint you on some level. You must learn to lean not on your understanding, but to use God during these times to find strength to endure.

The book will be published in the spring of 2012.

Monday, June 13, 2011

What They Say

I am not a conformist. In no way, by no means, do I feel compelled to do "what they say."

As long as I believe I am in within God's perfect will for my life, "what they say," has no bearing. We it see it happening everyday. Those among us who have been told they'll never make it, or they don't have what it takes; make it.

Making it means different things to different people. I truly feel I have made it in life because I have realized all the dreams and goals I had for myself, and have lived long enough and authentic enough to reap the blessings God had in store for me also. I can truly say I have never thought of money in terms of being successful and I am most proud of the 16 year old who knew that money can only buy things. I knew back then, that money could not replace peace of mind.

Today, I have plenty of peace of mind and no money and yes, I have the nerve to be happy. I am happy because I know that by not listening to "what they say," you have a greater chance of hearing what you say and maybe even what God has to say, if you are so inclined.

I refuse to beat myself up because I don't need much. I don't care what they say; I just gotta be me and if being me keeps me from being a part of "what they say" is cool, so be it. I still have me and that my dear is no small audience. I'm gonna have my say.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Getting the Message Across

Sometimes it is hard to know if what you are doing is making its way to those who need it most. Just the other day I received a call from a woman I know in passing. We have never really had a conversation, or spent any time together. What she has done is read my post regarding my beliefs about marriage and has been inclined to believe I am honest and sincerely want others who are married to remain that way and to find happiness while doing so.

She had a problem that I actually have experienced. I think she was probably shocked that my suggestion to her was to apologize to her husband and to find a way to express her needs in a way that does not lead to an argument.

The problem she is having is typical for married women in this city. The women who don't have a man are bold enough to try to take yours off your arm. I told her to focus on this on particular person is a waste of time. I explained that it is a spirit of demonic proportions that is using this woman to do the things she is doing. Focusing on her will only set you up to miss the next one who is surely on her way.

Marriage has become something that is coveted, but mistreated once it is obtained. Many women will go to no ends to break up a marriage, only to find they should have left that man with his wife. They are so desperate until to do whatever the man says in hopes that he really loves her. She finds out differently when he leaves her either for his wife or someone else.

Too many of us waste too much time focusing on the ones who are trying to come between us and our mates. Instead, we need to mortar up the cracks in our relationship. Pray for God's will and do all we can to maintain a positive attitude towards our marriage. Someone is always willing to find the weakest link in the marriage. The message? Get out of the way and claim God's will for your marriage.

Why Some Marriages Fail

People want to believe that their is someone out there just for them. This is true to a certain extent, but there is nothing magical or mystic about it. The person for you will reveal themselves when you are ready to accept love.

Many marriages fail because people mistake romance and sexual chemistry for love. There really is no other reason. Often time folk marry people based on these two factors, neither of which are enough to sustain the ordinary blows the best marriages take. Marriages built on these two foundations have no chance, in most cases.

Marriage requires an agreement between two people that they will be there for each other no matter what come their way. Romance requires demands of the participants that very well may cause one or the other to be less than honest, for romance is often based on lies and deceptions. Sexual chemistry is good for the time it takes to perform the act, but leaves little of substance to for the marriage to survive on.

If we want our marriages to last, we must come to an agreement to do all we can to maintain our unions and have faith that our efforts to serve one another will manifest into the beautiful life we all hope we will have when we marry.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Why Me?

When I was crazy and wondering what the hell was happening to me, I would often ask God, "Why me?"

One day my teen aged daughter went on a joy ride to the West side of Chicago for 18 hours. I had no control. I didn't know who she was with, or where she had gone. My husband and I were frantic. At 3 a.m. we went to her best friends home. Both her parents came to the door and told us their daughter was not home. They showed no concern, but told us their daughter was confused and acting out. The closed the door as if we were bothering them.

My husband and I were not as accepting of the situation. When I returned home, I remember sitting on the side of my bed crying and asking God, "Why me?" As clear as my own breathe, I heard God say "Why not?"

It was like a miracle. My tears dried up and I began to accept that my child, nor I was perfect. I accepted right then and their the lack of control I had over my daughter and that no matter how much I wanted her to do the right thing, it was ultimately her choice. I had to accept I did my best as her mother and that it was now up to her to either adhere to what she was taught or find her own way.

So many parents struggle with the belief that they own their children. The really think threats and punishment work, but they soon find out they do not. Many still do not give up the fight to try to control their children's lives.

That day was a huge turning point in my relationship with my daughter. I was able to gradually disassociate myself from the idea that my daughter belonged to me and had to do whatever I said, just because I said it. Since learning this lesson over 15 years ago, my now 31 year old daughter and I have a wonderful relationship. Even though she grew to seek my opinion and want my advice, I have held fast to not giving it and allowing her to make her own choices, which has relieved me greatly.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

It Is Hard

We all want the best for ourselves. None of us want to be miserable, unloved, unlovable, but many of us are. We want to think it has to do with others, but if we took the time to look at ourselves we would discover it is hard to be good to ourselves, especially if we are women.

I have made a promise to myself I intend to keep. For the most part, I have maintained a healthy lifestyle. I don't drink alcohol, or do drugs. I monitor who I spend time with, I have designed a life that suits my personality, which allows me to experience very little stress. Yet, I find it hard to do what is in my best interest. Not because I don't want to deep down, but because it is hard to change and evolve.

We can get so comfortable with our lives whether they are good or bad. We are creatures of habit and would rather things stay the same, rather than have to adjust to change. Years ago I recognized how mentally unhealthy unwillingness to change can be. I began purposely transforming myself because I wanted to be open to life and all it has to offer. I am successful as I am because I stopped long enough to examine me. I accepted my limitations and focused on my strengths and I was able to make changes and adjustments that allows me to experience lower levels of stress.

It is hard to be the people we think we want to be, but it is so worth the effort. There is a peace that comes with effort we often overlook. We all desire to be useful, but rarely think about if we are being useful to ourselves. Although it is hard, looking at yourself is the only freedom you really have. Knowing you are good and doing good is it's own reward. Do the hard thing, which is usually the right thing. Peace

Watching and Waiting

My husband announced he is 197 pounds. I would be happy if it were due to him trying to work on his health, but it is just the opposite. He is not doing what he needs to do and his body is withering away, right before my eyes.

Each and everyday I am getting closer and closer to dropping meat from my diet. I see the effects fat has on the body and truly recognize that minimal intake of fat is the best recipe for health. Incorporating even more vegetables and fruits in my diet will be hard, but I am open to the change because I want to live.

I am watching and waiting to see what he is going to do, but I am moving towards health for sure. Such a tragedy. I am so glad I know I don't have to die a horrible death, at least not by my own hand. I can and will prevent a lot of health problems for myself by understanding that food is my medicine. A balanced, healthy, fat free diet is the way for me.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Life Long Learner

I have been doing a lot of studying regarding nutrition. Seeing how my husbands body is shutting down based on the food his has eaten and the lack of physical activity he has gotten has really woke me up.

I am ready to go to the next step and that is to almost cut out chicken and turkey intake. I have found a supplement for protein called spirulina. It has 18 out of the 22 amino acids our bodies needs to be at optimum health. I have a severe protein deficiency and take 1000mg of B12 injected monthly. I know for a fact that vitamins play a crucial role in saving your life. Without these monthly injections I could not function and would endanger my health seriously.

I know I am healthier and in a better position to accept that health is more important than anything I could have ever imagined I wanted or needed. Being a life long learner has truly benefited me. In six months, I plan to be a different person, inside and out.

John Edwards

John Edwards is claiming he didn't mean to break any laws. He wants sympathy based on the fact his children have lost their mother. He wasn't thinking that way when he was causing her stress by cheating on her and bringing another child into this world while they were married.

Now, that the government has decided to look into how he has spent campaign funds, he wants to declare his innocence. He is not innocent. He is guilt, completely guilty and should be charged with every count that applies to his illegal actions.

Whether he is found guilty or not is another story. Folk are allowed to get away with so much these days. I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't given some sort of pass. I feel sorry for his children who will have to endure the pain of losing both parents if he is convicted. What a raunchy way to live your life. He should have been smarter.

I Know You

My husband walked into the room and I immediately said to him, "Oh, now you have changed your mind about going, now you want to focus on like I'm a pork chop."

He stopped in his tracks. He couldn't believe I had read all that from him just entering the room. He said, "Was I that obvious?"

"I know your every move. When are you going to accept that?"

"But I didn't make any moves!" he said in horror.

It horrifies him that I know him so well. He became almost sullen. His whole mood changed. The revelation that I not only knew he had changed his mind about doing something, but that I knew what he had decided to do instead, just blew him away.

People like him who are not in touch with themselves, can't see themselves, thus they do not read the signals of others well, unless they have manipulated a response. I know him. I have spent 26 years studying him, meeting his needs and loving him.

He knows me too. He just doesn't pay attention as much as I do, but when certain circumstances arise he knows just what to do most times to help me. We have been present in each others lives for a long time. Although I do feel I have carried the relationship the most, I do give him credit when credit is do. It's fun to be able to share with someone the depth you have gone to acknowledge their presence as a human being. I want my husband to know I want what is best for him. I want him to be happy and free from stress and worry. I want him to love God and himself and his family. I want to know him.

Not Meant to Be

When I was in my early twenties, I had high hopes for love. I had met someone who opened me up to parts of myself I was not fully aware of. I found myself focusing on him and truly believing these things were revealed because he was the one for me. He didn't feel that way.

He gave me his reasons why he felt we would not make it and some of them were very damaging to my self-esteem, yet I was able to conquer the self-doubt he left me with and become the woman I always knew I was meant to be.

As women, we need to learn to let go quicker by accepting some things are just not meant to be. I do believe the Creator knew I needed to know whether there could have been a possibility for us. I was blessed to reconnect with him and found that it was not meant for us to be together. My life would probably have been worse than it has been, if that is even possible. I can see this man would have tried to control my thoughts and this would never have worked.

I am grateful I didn't get what I thought I so desperately wanted. Back then I did all I could to force myself upon him, trying to make he see the mistake he was making leaving me behind. Now, knowing what I know; I accept that clearly it was not meant for me to be with him. I will be forever grateful to him for sparing me the inevitable pain trying to love him would have caused me.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Knowing the Truth

There is such a bitter sweetness to the truth. It stings ever so lightly until you accept it. Until you embrace the realness of it, you remain in pain, lost, numb, ignorant, fearful, alone. The truth is its own reward. No matter the consequence, if the truth caused it, in the end, it is right.

Running from the truth prolongs agony, causes dysfunction, delusion, and dissatisfaction. So many of us want to live a lie and expect something real. It is not enough to know what is right; you have to be able to apply this knowledge to your life in a way it will suit you best interest.

Too bad knowing the truth doesn't always change the problem. We must act upon whatever changes that need to be made once the truth is revealed. Not all truths require we take action, as much as they do that we take heed. Because all things develop in the mind, many cannot take heed of the truth, because they consistently dwell in the untruths that have held them captive for so long.

For a long time, I did not want to accept my husband really was the man I was supposed to be married to. We were so different. But then there was this something, I later learned to be a spiritual thang. It had nothing to do with me. My marriage is about glorifying God. Showing other that beauty can come out of bullshit, if the couple is will to get out of the way and claim God's will for their marriage.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Children, Listen to Your Parents

My daughter had an embarrassing experience that will be recorded in her journal as the worst. Because she did not wear the dress I bought her, the dress she wore failed her in the worse way. The audience was gracious. No one laughed out loud; that I could hear.

The wind went out of me. I immediately fell over; in laughter. I didn't laugh out loud. I did a deep chuckle. It was funny; for more than one reason. I warned her of the possibility that what happened would happen. She also had me buy a $90 dress she just "had to have" that would have been perfect and would not have responded to her girth, as the one she chose.

She looked great though. I really liked the outfit. We added some silver butterflies to her boots and they swung back and forth when she walked. I could tell she thought she looked good.

By the end of the day, the regret was obvious. Her dad was loving and kind to her. He had gone and got her from the audience. When she came out of the bathroom, she was in tears. He talked to her sweetly and told her he was sorry that happened to her. In his way, he kept encouraging her to forget about it. Telling her it's over and that she'll never have to see those people again. We all know that was caught on tape. Somebody got of picture of that image.

I have had several of those very embarrassing moments with clothing that didn't fit right for whatever reason. The attention you have to pay to clothing that does not fit well is not worth the time or effort. Just because you can get in something doesn't mean you can wear it. Everything does not look good on everybody. These are simple fashion truths. I know my daughter wishes she had listened to me.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

As Time Goes By

My youngest is graduating from middle school. I am very excited about her going to high school. I am preparing myself for a life filled with only having to be directly responsible for myself. I know this sounds a little starry eyed, but I need to believe I will one day be free to do whatever pleases me and me only.

So many women forget themselves as time goes by. I am not one of them.