Monday, January 23, 2012

Why I Do Not Recognize Myself

"Every since I've given up sin, Hallelujah, been born again."

I am truly no longer a glutton. It has been eight years. I have learned portion control. I am taking my time and that has made it seem more effortless. I do not weigh myself. I do not obsess about my looks at all. As a matter of fact, one of the major reasons I don't recognize myself is I actually love me. I think I am beautiful. I am putting me first.

I am so ready to continue to shock myself. I plan to keep myself guessing, but most of all continue to pray for God's will. That habit has served me well.

I do not recognize myself at times because my eyes don't cry no more. I have absolutely no fear. I love my enemies. I am much more tolerant of stupid people. I do not think about food 24/7. I am looking forward to traveling more. I want to grow in love with a man other than the one I married. I am ready for whatever!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Honoring My Marriage

Even though I am still legally married, my relationship with my husband it has been over for six months and I am so happy and relieved. I feel no anger, no resentment, no sense of loss, no wondering if we are doing the right thing, nothing but gratitude to God.

We both believed we were soul mates and we were. My soul got healed, he never developed a relationship with his. Even with that we spent 26 years doing the best we could, obviously. It is what it is.

I watched a documentary about happiness. There was a couple who had been marriage for over 30 years and were no longer sexually active. The wife was content, but the husband wanted more. They sought counseling and question why they were able to continue to stay together. The therapist made the statement that their earlier life had a lot to do with it. They had done a lot of adventurous things together in the beginning of their marriage. Although they had issues, when it came to working together and supporting each other, they did that. It was the therapists belief that these early experiences where they weather storms, good times etc., help cement their relationship.

The wife eventually broke down and said she'd rekindle the sex life because she didn't want to lose her husband. She was comfortable with the marriage and didn't want to lose him over sex. That is what marriage is about. Really life. You have got to give to get.

My husband and I were similar in the beginning of our relationship. Neither one of us had ever had anything that we owned. When we began to live together, everything was centered around making a home. It turned out he was more into house cleaning and decorating than I. I loved that. He did too, but he had many misconceptions about what a woman was supposed to do. He felt like I should like to clean just because I was a woman.

We'd do all kinds of things and took walks everyday to the beach, holding hands and making plans. The romance was off the chain. He was into setting the mood. The music, the lights, the food. Looking back is doing me good because it makes me realize why I grew to love him so. When we were who we are, and not portraying the roles we grew up seeing, we were great together.

I was thrilled by how thrilling love was and how much more open I felt as a person. The shift in my personality and way I felt about myself was intoxicating. I came alive in his arms, looking into his eyes, hearing him say my name. He turned me on and I will always be grateful to him for that.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Too Much Romance Not Enough Love

I personally do not like the "in love" feeling. I was oh so happy when things changed for me as my relationship with my husband progressed in the beginning. I had never experienced the emotional highs and lows to the extent I did with him.

The feelings that arouse within me when he touched me were overwhelming, yet comforting at the same time. I constantly sought balance because I like being in control of me. Romance requires a certain amount of "being out of control," that is really not conducive to marital relationships. That is why so often once folk start having babies, the bottom begins to fall out. When the real world meets romance, romance uses loses because it is fabricated love.

Our country would be so much better off if we reared our offspring to bond with the opposite based on having gotten to know who the person presents themselves to be. Instead, we often go into relationships with preconceived notions and expectations and we have no clue who we are dealing with. This is the tragedy of romance. It always leaves you wanting because you never know what's real and the sad part the man and the woman go along with the charade. Generation after generation of Americans have been feed romantic notions that disappear quicker than the flame of a candle upon any sign of wind.

Romance cannot sustain a marriage. Two people in agreement to keep the romance alive in their marriage will. Marriage is an agreement between two people to share their dreams, goals, bodies, finances, time, energy with the other person until death do them part. When we build our relationships on romance, an institution based on lies and deceit, we get what we got; an extremely high divorce rate due to too much romance and not enough love.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Why marriage Gets A Bad Rap

What I had to learn and many of us do not understand is that marriage does not belong to anyone. If you believe marriage is a covenant, then you know marriage is of God. The very reason so many who enter into the institution fail, is because they try to own it.

Stay with me. Marriage is an agreement two people enter into to share their finances, time, love, caring, devotion, etc; with the understanding that God is the ultimate head of the marriage. This is the part many of us miss and never understand. What I am talking about is what the movie, Not Easily Broken, was about. The movie tried to get the point across that for a marriage to work, each partner has to be willing to defer to the "greater good," which is always God's goal.

Only when we stop self-seeking in our relationships will we be able to see marriage the way God see it. We don't just marry to have the person we think we want for the rest of our lives. Marriage is so much more than that. In marriage, your goal is to promote the happiness and welfare of your mate, not simply expect that they do for you. Oftentimes our expectations are high but our truly willingness to sacrifice is low.

We want to believe our happiness is what matters above all and to a certain degree we are correct. Still that does not mean you get to make a lifelong commitment and just walk away because you are not happy. Truth be told, if you are not happy, it is your own fault because happiness begins within. So if you are not happy now, you probably weren't happy when you made the commitment.

You don't own a marriage. You enter into an agreement to be married to one person and you do this before God. Then you do all you can to destroy the institution based on sharing, with your selfish needs, wants and desires. Marriage gets a bad rap because the folk singing the tune were not good for marriage. Marriage, if operated honestly is one of the most beautiful opportunities for two people to glorify God.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Taking It to the Limit

I know I talk about myself and my family a lot. That is where my priority has been for more than 26 years. I am the type of person who does very little half way. I truly am a take it to the limit type of gal.

I can't imagine anyone thinking of me as a risk taker, but I am. As a matter of fact, I take the risk that matter the most. I put my life on the line. As a child, I would speak the truth and be honest with my mother. That was a huge risk that got my slapped in the mouth on too many occassions. With my peers, I could be provoked into using my tongue as a whip, or to spew acid on some fool who thought they could survive a battle of the wits with me.

I am going a different way now. I only have three more years before my youngest is gone and in college. She is constantly being coached and guided to think independently, as I am ready to do me in a strong and real way. I feel a complete gratification when it comes to my life. My adult children seem to go out of their way to praise me and share with me the positive impact I have had on their lives. My youngest can't tell me she loves me enough. She proclaims how much she likes spending time with me and talking to me . This is how I know there is Heaven on earth.

I took my idea of parenting to the limit and to a great extent have been blessed because of it. I chose to be guide my children, encourage them, inspire them, tell them the truth at all cost and to never break my promises. It takes a lot of restraint to be this kind of parent. Being a giver makes it easier. A deep ability to sacrifice, to exercise my forgiveness muscle, and to be patient is what has made these last few years so sweet.

I took my marriage to the limit. I stayed until every ounce of good was drained out of it. I did exactly what I needed to do. I followed God's will and believe me I experienced some of the worse things I could ever imagine. Due to God's favor, I was able to weather the storm, make it through the valley, walk through the fire. I did not fall apart when God put me to the test. Oh yes, I cried many nights, sometimes days, but I never gave up and I went through what I believed was my destiny and as it turned out I was right.

I'm ready for the next phase of my life. I know exactly how much I can take. What is so great about now is I am in complete control of me. I have focused on, examined, analyzed and forgiven myself. It is truly my time to love someone who can accept it. I am ready to takeit to the limit one more time.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Why We Never Get Away

Early in our marriage when my husband would do something he should not have done I would eventually tell him he'd pay. Part of me was hoping, but the greatest part of me understood we truly do reap what we sow. Throughout our marriage he sowed discontent and discord. He was unable to break the cycle of disrespect and hate for women that is prevalent in his family.

When I think about how much his body has deteriorated, how fast he went down and how easily he gave into his flesh; I cannot help but see God's hand all over it. We never get away. I know he is in hell. I clearly remember when I first met him and his mother had just been diagnosed with diabetes. He proclaimed he would never be on, "all that medication." He ended up on twice as much medication.

There are so many scenarios that have happened throughout our 26 years together that I could say, "and now he's paying for that."

It is not my duty to determine what he is paying for, but I do recognize he is paying. We never get away because we create our own heaven and hell right here on earth. With every decision we build our empire, or tear it down. I have said time and time again, I was in my marriage for the duration. Had my husband not pushed me away, I would still be with him. Since he has done that I embrace the separation. When I really think about it, I have always been able to let my husband walk away from me. The difference this time is he cannot come back.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Why Crying Is Good For You

I wish I could go back as long as I would have to go back to confront the person who misunderstood the role our ability to cry plays in our lives as human beings. This person, and believe me there is an origin, has effected alot of the human race. There are cultures who embrace tears and of course, they are much healthier than we are.

Crying gives us the much needed release when our minds and bodies become overwhelmed. Having a good cry is often all we need, yet many of us hold on to the energy, that whether positive or negative turns into stress in our bodies. We have release valves so to speak, through our eyes. Our tears can come whether due to joy or pain. This is the miracle of them.

Somehow, at sometime, tears became only associated with negativity, weakness, and having lack of courage. Tears are thought to be a sign of breaking down, or falling apart. This couldn't be further from the truth. Having a good cry, when appropriate is sometimes the best and only way to handle some of life's most stress producing moments.

When we hold on to the things that we cannot change, no matter what, we keep ourselves from receiving what God has for us. If there is nothing you can do to change a situation, and it is causing you discomfort and negative feelings like hurt, disappointment, disbelief, and fear; crying to release the frustration of not being able to do anything just may be all you need.

Crying releases us from the burden of feeling as though we have to control and manipulate situations. Sometimes all you can do is cry. To allow ourselves to fall into regret, or self-doubt is a true waste of time. The choices we make are the ones we need to make to make it on our journey. If we believe God is already knows our heart, then we also believe our way will be paved with those and things we need to make it through this adventure we call life.

We will meet with disappointment. None of us are perfect. This is why we are encouraged not to rely on our own understanding. We all have a role to play in life. We must remember to realize our dreams and goals we will need others in some capacity. People do not have to live up to our expectations and when we do not accept this we not only do ourselves a disservice, but them too.

Prayer, crying, meditation, deep breathing, listening to music, writing in a journal, talking with someone, or simply being still all these are coping skills. They are ways of dealing with the stressful things in our lives that won't lead to more self-destruction. Have a good cry.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Seven Days Into the New Year

This is my first blog of the new year. My life has been on a roller coaster since right before Christmas and I just got off yesterday. My plumbing backed up two days before Christmas. I had no money for Christmas.

I paid the plumber which left me unable to pay the cable, so it was shut off. Then, two days before New Year's Eve, my furnace goes out. I couldn't believe something else was happening so quickly. It seemed the entire year of 2011 was fraught with one mishap, breakdown, illness, horror, or the other.

After being able to let my refrigerator to, something opened up in me that has heightened my ability to make the best out of bad situations. Instead of becoming upset about the furnace, I brainstormed and thought about electric heating. I remembered when I didn't have a huge gas bill and that was when I was living in apartments heated with electric wall heaters. I did some research and discovered I was correct about the financial savings and made the decision to go electric. I went out and bought good electric heaters and we are all toasty and ready for the next bullshit to crop up. Happy New Year!