Thursday, January 17, 2013

The Greatest Compliment

My oldest came to me and said, "Mom, I want to thank you for being a great example of what it means to let a man be a man.

I was somewhat shocked by her assertion, but definitely pleased because I prided myself on being the type of woman who knew how not to step on a man's toes. I was able to do that because I have always had respect for him as a person and a man. It has never been my desire to rule a man, or to try to change him.

I believe each of us should be allowed to live our lives and be who we are. I held fast to this in my relationship. I did not let who he was keep me from being that kind of wife I wanted to be. My daughter talked of how amazed she was by the fact that I allowed him to do things he had never done before like change diapers, feed the babies, etc. She talked about how many women  would have done all they could to take the lead, whereas I literally stepped back and allowed him to make mistakes if that is what was going to happen.

I know I am blessed and it is sort of getting scary because suddenly I am being praised by my children and my ex. My karma feels good and I am thankful for the acknowledgements, but at the end of the day, I am just being me. Who I am just happens to be great!

When It Is Over

I know for sure, without a doubt my intimate relationship is over with my estranged husband. There is no part of me that wants to believe in any possiblity that things could be different. As I bask in my new found freedom, I can't help but notice how much more alive I feel with less stress in my life. I gave my all to my marriage and it was most definitely not in vain. I gained me.

My marriage grew me up, straightened me out and showed me how strong and capable I truly am. When it is over, you know it and it is over for me. Now, I only think of him as the father of my children and someone I used to love. Sometimes I do miss loving him, but when I really think about it, it's not him I miss as much as I miss the act of loving.

After I finished talking to him, I felt a deep sigh of relief. Partially because I could tell he is finally maturing and it is a blessing. The other part of the relief comes from not being attached. Even though I like being attached, I like not being attached even better. Relationships, especially intimate take a lot of work.

When it is over, there is a sense of closure and accomplishment. I still help him when I can, but I no longer feel obligated. He has freed me from that by letting me know he knows he didn't do his best to be a husband to me.

Better luck next time.

Full Circle

Wednesday afternoon I received a call from my estranged husband that has been exactly what I needed to have full closure.

I took all of 2012 and allowed myself to purge myself of the attachment feelings that were plaguing me. My heart was really invested and it took that long to smolder the fire that had burned for so long.

Well, he called me and said, "I miss you Wanda. I miss having you in my life, especially now."

I couldn't believe he was actually owning up to his role in the demise of our relationship. It only took almost two years. When we initially broke up, he actually had the nerve to call me and try to force me to say it was my fault. I said nothing and he eventually hung up. Yesterday was completely different. He said, "I will say I was 80% responsible for what happened in our marriage and I don't blame you for not wanting to be with me. You were the only person who really loved me and although I don't regret much in my life because I made the choice, I do regret not doing right by you."

I said nothing. There was nothing to say. He made a point to tell me he loved me and  told him I loved him too, and I do, but I never want to live with him again.

He also admitted that he just wanted immediate gratification. He wanted to do what he wanted to do and I let him. Hindsight is 20/20, but now it is too late. I do not want to look back. I am sure he would probably be a better husband, now, but I cannot take the chance. There is too much at stake. I have done what I should have done and God has blessed me immensely. I refuse to second guess when I know for sure, we cannot be together.

I appreciate the call and I do believe he thinks he loves me or at least should love me, but I know he really cannot until he learns to love himself.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Who Creates Your Reality?

It is you who creates your reality. No matter how much you want to blame others or point the finger, ultimately it is up to you to get it right, to be the person you desire to be.

No, it is not easy to change or modify ones lifestyle, but it is always worth it, if it is truly needed. So many of us want things to come easy and this is a shame because those things that are hard fought for bear the sweetest victory. You feel great about yourself when you do something in your best interest.

Oftentimes, the problems lies with the fact we don't fight hard enough to maintain our personal integrity. We think others do not know, so why not cheat, deny, hide, steal, lie, etc. The most important person knows and that is you. Don't you want yourself to feel good about yourself? Aren't you worth going the extra mile for? I say you are. I know I am and because I know this, my life has been a true adventure. Unafraid, I have followed the map I laid out for myself without flinching. I just happen to believe that what I wanted for me, God also wanted for me. Yes, even the rough times. It all served to help me create the personal I am today.

Who creates your reality? You do. If you don't like it, change it.

Peace, love and soul

51 and Fabulous

Turning 51 is a true blessing especially since I am healthy and have my mind in tact. Oh yes, there are times when I have thought I would not only not see 50, let alone 51. It is all good. I am on the right track and that is such a marvelous feeling.

I am doing what I love to do in all areas of my life. I feel no hesitation, no regrets, no limits. For the first time in my life, I have no questions. I feel free and capable.

I just want to live and love and love and live. I cannot find the words to express how clear and clean I feel. How I really believe I can do what I truly focus on and work to achieve. I have proven myself to myself and at age 51 I'm feeling good.

Peace, love and soul!

Friday, January 4, 2013

She Read the Books

I received a message on Facebook from a woman who relocated her from LA. She said she found two of my books in the lobby of Hotel Louisville and wanted to talk to me. I called her and the first question she asked was, "Do you believe in God?"

I was taken aback and replied, "Of course I do. Why would I go against God for something a man did? I believe even more so now. I survived."

On paper my marriage reads like a horror story and in many ways it was. Yet, there were just as many tender, kind and fun moments. That is one of the reason I stayed so long. It really did even out in a lot of ways. In reality, my marriage was not that different than many marriages today. People feel because the marriage is supposed to be based on two people loving each that everything should be fine. What they fail to realize is love is never enough.

Marriage requires agreement and we all know, especially in many black homes, there is not much agreeing going on; not even agreeing to disagree. I find men a lot more willing to be agreeable than women. Most men, in my experience do not like to argue and fight. Sure there are a lot of exceptions to the rule, but I would take the liberty of stating that I believe men are more reasonable when it comes to relationships.

Women, whether black or white tend to want to be right about everything just because they are women. Yes, I will say that about 75% of the time we are right, but rubbing it in and insisting on it only makes you look ugly and unable to be humble when it is required.

The woman who read my books thought I would have turned my back on God because my marriage failed. What she didn't understand, obviously, is that I was living in God's will. There were a lot of things I needed to learn during my marriage and it was important that I did. Throughout the years it got harder and harder, but I was intrigued. I wanted to see what forever looked like for us.

People who give up on God are serving man. I know who is my keeper, my help. I prayed everyday for guidance, understanding and peace. She read the books, but missed the message. She was too busy wondering why I stayed and "put up with him." Anybody whose been married knows the putting up with goes both ways.

It is my desire to educate and inform through my books. Sometimes readers want the ending they desire. Sometimes you have to accept that it is what it is.

Why the Truth Hurts

"The survival of the black man is in crisis. He is dying a shameful unnatural death. He is rejected by his woman and detached from his own seed. Slavery fractured his birthright ego, so he  fails as a husband, father and son. His problems are too big now so he has no value for life, and no matter how hard he tries he just can't get it together and without divine intervention he will continue to self-destruct." Shahrazad Ali/The Black Woman's Guide to Understanding Black Men."

This book caused a huge stir when it was first released. No one wanted to hear what she had to say because she revealed by using generalizations and stereotypes the truth about how black folk are relating to each other, especially that black man and woman.

Once again, this blog is not about blaming slavery for all our woes. Slavery is only mentioned to point out where many of our misconceptions about who we are come from.

"And yes, the effects of slavery still rank as number one in the dismemberment of the black home and displacement of the black man; but the number two problem stems from contributing neglect of an internal nature that takes the form of a) disunity, b) distrust, c) bad choices." Shahrazad Ali/The Black Woman's Guide to Understanding Black Men


Black folk have contributed greatly to the belief that blacks cannot be trusted. We have come to believe it ourselves and will oftentimes go out of our way not to patronize each other, or to help each other in need. Within the intimate relationship most things are met with suspicion.


Many black folk love to talk about the "crab-in-the barrel" scenario where as one black person tries to climb up and out of dire circumstances; the others try to keep him down. Again, this is something that was handed down to us. It has manifested itself in many ways. There are people who won't be happy for you no matter what. There are some who will try to hold you back and keep you down. Unfortunately being human, there can be a tendency towards jealously and an unwillingness to try to achieve what you feel another has because many blacks feel they are stifled by the institutionalized racism that does exist. It has become popular in our nation to "hate." Until we stop this, we will not get to where we want to be.

Bad Choices

Ultimately for those black, white, blue are green; bad choices is the downfall of them all. We can choose a different existence, yes even in this racially charges climate country we live in. It literally happens everyday that someone is able to achieve great success, even as a black person. Until we develop individual and collective self-love for ourselves and our black skin, we just may keep on pointing the finger ignoring the other four that is pointing back at us.

Love, Peace and Soul

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

What I Am Trying to Do

It is my hope by connecting the dots from past to present we are able to see how the plantation mentality is flourishing still today in our everyday lives.

Within the relationship between black men and women there is a divide neither are aware of consciously. The black woman, because she has been given more entry into society tends not to have the level of compassion for her brother needed to sustain a loving relationship. Her inability to recognize the needs our her black man has continued to cause a spiraling down of the black family.

Phrases like, "I can do bad all by myself."
"I don't want to be a woman who needs a man."
"No money! No honey."

These phrases keep us apart and wreck havoc on the best of relationships. We all need each other. Let's get that straight right off the back. This notion that a woman should not need a man is as ridiculous as a man stating all he needs from a woman is sex. We need each other for love, compassion, empathy and to have someone on our side.

Instead, we see time and time again woman holding brothers to the standards of the white man who has done all he can to make sure black men never reach them.


"The biological affirmation of masculinity and identity as master is enough to insure that, whatever his individual limitations, this society will not systematically erect obstructions to his achievement." Cobbs and Grier/ Black Rage

Even when it comes down to being a felon, a white man who gets out and decides to change his life will find support, even from strangers. Yet, the black man cannot get help from the woman who claims to love him.
It is our lack of emotional intelligence and awareness as to how the forces of slavery still play a huge roll in how we operate with our men today that causes us to suffer so much.

We think because we can, they can and this is not true.

"Whereas the white man regards his manhood as an ordained right, the black man is engaged in a never ending battle for its possession." Cobbs and Grier/Black Rage

Until we understand fully that the American black man has been taught for hundreds of years not to assert himself, that he cannot protect his family, we will not be able to reconcile our differences.Our level of compassion has to be tremendous, but it is worth it for the love of a black.

A black man needs to come to a home where he is appreciated and needed for more than what he can buy. If we are honest with ourselves, having more resources doesn't always work for white folk. There are kids are just as messed up or more and many of them come from two parent homes. The difference is and always comes down to who can pay for treatment? We all need. Black folk just can't pay for it.

So, what do we do instead? We need to cultivate a collective self-love. We must identify our humanity and accept our worthiness. This is only been hard to do because we have bought into the belief that we are less than and therefore unworthy. This is not the case, nor is it true. If we allow ourselves times to review our historical progression, or lack their of; I do believe we will discover the core of our issues and be able to overcome them.

WE must start by believing we can make the changes necessary to see our way clear of these horrible chains that continue to bind us and keep us from receiving and giving the love we deserve.

Why I Wear My Natural

Besides the fact I think I am beautiful with my closely cropped hair, the biggest part of why I wear my hair short is explained in this quote:

"Thus the black woman is never free of the painful reminder that she must be transformed from her natural state to some other state in order to appear presentable to her fellow men."

It is so said, but still true today that black women are spending enormous amounts of money to transform themselves into what they have been brainwashed into believing is more acceptable and better looking than what they were given to work with naturally.

I am shocked and amazed more and more by the number of places you can buy hair now. It won't be long before you'll be able to buy tracks at truck stops. The demand is just that great.

The women that really get to me are the ones who think they are do their own extensions, weaves, etc. They often look like somebody didn't finish or did it with their eyes closed. Everything has it place. But this out and out denial of who you are instead of trying to assimilate and associate with the other is down right ridiculous.

It wouldn't be so bad if you could live a normal life, but once women do this to their hair, they become slaves to it. Often foregoing activities for the sake of keeping straight hair which is not theirs in the first place. Lawd hab mercy!

I wear my hair short because that is the way nature planned and it is all right with me. Both my daughters are natural and they love it. We spend too much time trying to be who we are not. We claim we want a real man, but spend hours putting on fake hair, fake eyelashes, fake teeth and nails. In the end, what is real about us?

How To Prevent Unwanted Pregnancy

Say what you want to folk are going to have sex. Sex is a natural as breathing, eating, sleeping. Sex is a mush if we are to survive as a human race. Yet, we are still so warped in our thinking about sex until we still have an abundance of unwanted pregnancies.

The way to prevent unwanted pregnancies for teenagers or adults is to help folk figure out what is in their best interest.

Oftentimes parents do not want to talk about sex because of their own hangups. First, parents need to get over themselves and accept their responsibility to protect their children. Protection goes far beyond preaching to them the virtues of abstinence. We all know how far that goes up against nature and it powerful drives.

What is needed is information and open communication. Girls and boys should be taught that sex is a natural and necessary part of human development. Along with this knowledge they should be told they are capable of suppressing these desires, if they so choose. They should be made aware that they have the mental capacity to figure out how a child would impact their immediate future and bee allowed to make the decision whether having a child is in their best interest.

What teen aged girl or boy of average understanding would say they want to interrupt their childhood to take care of a child? Only providing one option, abstinence, is what has gotten us to this place thus far.

We need to share our personal stories with our children. Many do not want to do that for fear of being judged over the revelation that many of them got pregnant before they were ready and were not married. Instead, these parents lay down their law which cannot go up against the law of nature.

We consistently try to fight battles we cannot win with demands and dictates that bear no fruit. Give your teenager the information, help them brainstorm, imagine, and visualize what their lives would be like if they brought a child into the world. The truth is deterrent enough if we would only embrace it.

Our fear of sex is killing us. I heard there are some that are likening providing birth control to teenagers is the equivalent to passing out drug paraphernalia. Really? It is amazing how far folk will go to keep from dealing with reality.

The solution is so simple. Acceptance and education. We need to accept that our children will eventually have sex and educate them properly so they may make good choices when the time comes.