A person who does not know how to love and cannot accept love that is given to them is most often driven to self-destruction, because they respond to no other's needs, but their own. There is never a true way to know how far a person will go with this behavior. It is frustrating to know that so many display it within the union of marriage.
The nature of self is designed for preservation. When our basic needs are not met at the appropriate age and time, there is a great possibility we may become anti-social, a sociopath, or psychotic; it just truly deepens on what lies at the base of the soul. Once again, we must examine the nature of intention.
Are you for real, for real? Are or you a carbon copy of the model you saw in a book,? Or a brother you saw on a bike? Are you allowing others to re-dictate your destiny that has already been laid out for you? What is going on at that base of your soul?
I tell you what. We all need to do some deep fishing of our souls and see what we need to catch that is swimming around at that base of us poisoning our ability to honestly share who we are authentically, in a positive way.
My estranged husband has been a wonderful blessing to my life in an absolutely horrible way. I thank my greatest support, The Creator of ALL, for giving me strength, the knowledge, the PATIENCE, the sense of humor, the willingness and capability to ride the rough rail.
When I tell you it was horrible at times, I mean still to this day, but I am free of the bongdage of my mind. Free from the belief that I somehow was obligated to "make him see him."
Oh, dear friend, I paid my dues and now, today? I get to be the woman God intended me to be because I did not abandoned the duty. I stayed on post, still on post, but from the bird's eye view. I get to watch over the empire of love I have built here in my little house. I get to see my son develop into a man of personal integrity and character. My daughter has come to recognize the "truth about dad."
I have not to say a word. Just remain for real, for real.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Moving in the Right Direction
Hindsight truly is 20/20. Being out of my marriage for going on two years has opened my eyes to the reality that we really can lie to ourselves for a long time. I also came to terms with what God was trying to do in my life.
I was in a relationship of my creation. I got out of it what I wanted and a lot of what I didn't want. By the grace of God I survived the whole ordeal, only to have feelings of guilt and despair once it was all over. I didn't want to let go.
I began moving in the right direction once I rid my home of my husband. I had to continue in the direction by removing myself from his life. Due to the fact that we have not family here, and we are still married. When there is an emergency, they call me. I have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is him calling me whenever he needs me. He only calls me when he wants something from me, but let me need him? Well, need I say more.
Now that I am unemployed, one would think he would offer to help with at least our daughter, but he has not offered any assistance at all. Yet, he continues to call me whenever he wants and whatever time he wants and actually expects me to stop what I am doing to be there for him.
Well, I have stopped doing things for him, period. He hasn't taken the hint as he continues to call me to try to get me involved in his life, but I know I must keep moving in the right direction.
I was relieved of my duties as his wife. They are tasks I should have never taken on. I was given a second chance to find true love and happiness and I will not allow myself to be distracted by anyone.
I was in a relationship of my creation. I got out of it what I wanted and a lot of what I didn't want. By the grace of God I survived the whole ordeal, only to have feelings of guilt and despair once it was all over. I didn't want to let go.
I began moving in the right direction once I rid my home of my husband. I had to continue in the direction by removing myself from his life. Due to the fact that we have not family here, and we are still married. When there is an emergency, they call me. I have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is him calling me whenever he needs me. He only calls me when he wants something from me, but let me need him? Well, need I say more.
Now that I am unemployed, one would think he would offer to help with at least our daughter, but he has not offered any assistance at all. Yet, he continues to call me whenever he wants and whatever time he wants and actually expects me to stop what I am doing to be there for him.
Well, I have stopped doing things for him, period. He hasn't taken the hint as he continues to call me to try to get me involved in his life, but I know I must keep moving in the right direction.
I was relieved of my duties as his wife. They are tasks I should have never taken on. I was given a second chance to find true love and happiness and I will not allow myself to be distracted by anyone.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
God's Will Be Done
He turned 53 today. God is amazing.
When you look at his life the last five years, you wonder how a person could endure so much. My heart goes out to him, yet I do not want to spend any time with him. I now fully understand why things happened the way they did. God knew I needed to be prepared to handle the inevitable. I was so involved in my relationship with him. I was wanting was badly for us to work. I was trying to force my will. God knew best.
I will always love him, but I will never love him again. I truly wish him well and want only the best for him. If it is what he wants, I hope he does love again. He is someone who needs the opportunity to learn to love.
I believe in love. I believe in marriage.
When you look at his life the last five years, you wonder how a person could endure so much. My heart goes out to him, yet I do not want to spend any time with him. I now fully understand why things happened the way they did. God knew I needed to be prepared to handle the inevitable. I was so involved in my relationship with him. I was wanting was badly for us to work. I was trying to force my will. God knew best.
I will always love him, but I will never love him again. I truly wish him well and want only the best for him. If it is what he wants, I hope he does love again. He is someone who needs the opportunity to learn to love.
I believe in love. I believe in marriage.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
No Need to Explain
I have no true need to explain why I stayed with my husband as long as I did. I will say I am glad I did and the reasons are so many until I probably could write about them for a lifetime.
I grew in my marriage. I was blessed enough to recognize and take advantage of the opportunity to be a better person than I was before I entered the union. My husband stretched every fiber in my being. He was demanding, belittling, disrespectful and unavailable, yet he actually made efforts to be the opposite of all those things throughout our time together.
I learned I could love a difficult personality. I learned I could allow a person to be who the are and not expect anything from them. I learned how to fully invest in another for their own gain and happiness. I learned how to keep my mouth shut and choose my battles. I learned how cook healthier meals, I learned how to care for a diabetic, renal patient with high blood pressure. I learned what makes me a good wife and mother. I learned how to be grateful for what I have. I learned humility and compassion which were two of the greatest gifts.
I do not need to explain why I stayed in what looked like a toxic environment. As it turned out, it was what I needed to grow and I accept whatever implications go along with that fact. The most important thing is I am a whole person full of love and awareness ready for whatever God has in store for the rest of this journey.
I grew in my marriage. I was blessed enough to recognize and take advantage of the opportunity to be a better person than I was before I entered the union. My husband stretched every fiber in my being. He was demanding, belittling, disrespectful and unavailable, yet he actually made efforts to be the opposite of all those things throughout our time together.
I learned I could love a difficult personality. I learned I could allow a person to be who the are and not expect anything from them. I learned how to fully invest in another for their own gain and happiness. I learned how to keep my mouth shut and choose my battles. I learned how cook healthier meals, I learned how to care for a diabetic, renal patient with high blood pressure. I learned what makes me a good wife and mother. I learned how to be grateful for what I have. I learned humility and compassion which were two of the greatest gifts.
I do not need to explain why I stayed in what looked like a toxic environment. As it turned out, it was what I needed to grow and I accept whatever implications go along with that fact. The most important thing is I am a whole person full of love and awareness ready for whatever God has in store for the rest of this journey.
Monday, November 25, 2013
I Don't Recognize Her
I barely recognize the woman I was when I was active in my marriage. The best I can describe it is to compare myself to Adam Sandler's character in the movie "Click."
I was on auto-pilot. I was reacting most of the time or just doing whatever needed to be done, on top of doing me. i can say that I was working on myself every step of the way. Thank God I was enlightened enough to know I had to be my own person. Had I not been I would most definitely been notorious by now.
It is extremely hard to undo devotion. Devotion is an action word. You can often recognize it through what a person does, how often, and for what reason. Being a devoted person it took me a while to let go of the idea that my husband should be the only man to touch me. While I was married I refrained from doing anything that would make a man think I was interested in him. These last two years have been an extreme blow to my psyche. I have had to let go of all I thought I would have the rest of my life.
I never saw myself without my husband. Had he allowed me I would have loved him up until this day. It was not in God's will for me to continue to live with the level of dishonor and disrespect I encountered during my marriage. My way of dealing with it was to understand he really did not know how to be different and truly did not care to be. For me, it was his lack of spiritual base that truly drove us apart.
This woman knows a man who does not know God, does not know how to love or live. That man cannot give anything of value and he cannot lead a home and will resent the woman should she not let things fail since he is unable to do it. This women is fully aware that a person who is selfish and self-centered has little desire to serve others, as they feel completely entitled to what you have and what they are to receive also. This woman knows a man who does not know how to give, well only take and take and take.
Although my marriage was no where near ideal, it was what we created and I would have liked to see if we could have managed to make it into something better. The answering was a resounding no and I have spent two years relieving myself of a marriage that had long went off track. No, I don't recognize that woman who was willing to give up her life for nothing.
I was on auto-pilot. I was reacting most of the time or just doing whatever needed to be done, on top of doing me. i can say that I was working on myself every step of the way. Thank God I was enlightened enough to know I had to be my own person. Had I not been I would most definitely been notorious by now.
It is extremely hard to undo devotion. Devotion is an action word. You can often recognize it through what a person does, how often, and for what reason. Being a devoted person it took me a while to let go of the idea that my husband should be the only man to touch me. While I was married I refrained from doing anything that would make a man think I was interested in him. These last two years have been an extreme blow to my psyche. I have had to let go of all I thought I would have the rest of my life.
I never saw myself without my husband. Had he allowed me I would have loved him up until this day. It was not in God's will for me to continue to live with the level of dishonor and disrespect I encountered during my marriage. My way of dealing with it was to understand he really did not know how to be different and truly did not care to be. For me, it was his lack of spiritual base that truly drove us apart.
This woman knows a man who does not know God, does not know how to love or live. That man cannot give anything of value and he cannot lead a home and will resent the woman should she not let things fail since he is unable to do it. This women is fully aware that a person who is selfish and self-centered has little desire to serve others, as they feel completely entitled to what you have and what they are to receive also. This woman knows a man who does not know how to give, well only take and take and take.
Although my marriage was no where near ideal, it was what we created and I would have liked to see if we could have managed to make it into something better. The answering was a resounding no and I have spent two years relieving myself of a marriage that had long went off track. No, I don't recognize that woman who was willing to give up her life for nothing.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Clearly The Last Days
My estranged husband is experiencing a horrific existence and I cannot and will not ride along throughout the final days.
I invested heavily in him and our marriage during the time we were active. I gave 100%. I was never one to believe in 50/50. The song Teddy Pendergrass sang never made sense to me. I always thought to myself, "How can a whole person only give half of themselves to the person they love?"
So glad i gave my whole self to my husband and the marriage because after being separated for two years and watching the living hell he is experiencing, hindsight is 20/20.
he feels sorry for himself and it is so hard to watch. He is still, five years later in complete denial about why he is where he is today.
Diabetes is a disease of obesity. We both were addicted to food. For him, there were some things he did not fully understand about his family history, plus his lifestyle that made it inevitable he would end up this way if he did not take control of his impulses.
High blood pressure is related to stress in a great way. His lifestyle was reckless. He was purely a I will do it what I want type of guy.
I won't lie; I was intrigued by this attitude. He surely helped bring me out of my shell and when he used his talents in the proper way, he was exciting and fun. We had a lot of fun and did a lot of things.
But, he really did not care. He did not love himself, believe in himself in a positive way, or have any true belief in God. Although when I met him, he was going to church every Sunday, I soon discovered it was a sham. He was only going for show. As a matter of fact, nothing was sincere about him except his desire to go over and slide by. A true con man.
As of last week, he has had four strokes, at least five true heart attacks, both legs removed, left arm not functional, right arm barely functional, lost finger on right hand, kidney failure,Aorta valve replaced, stint put in his basal artery.
God's will be done.
I invested heavily in him and our marriage during the time we were active. I gave 100%. I was never one to believe in 50/50. The song Teddy Pendergrass sang never made sense to me. I always thought to myself, "How can a whole person only give half of themselves to the person they love?"
So glad i gave my whole self to my husband and the marriage because after being separated for two years and watching the living hell he is experiencing, hindsight is 20/20.
he feels sorry for himself and it is so hard to watch. He is still, five years later in complete denial about why he is where he is today.
Diabetes is a disease of obesity. We both were addicted to food. For him, there were some things he did not fully understand about his family history, plus his lifestyle that made it inevitable he would end up this way if he did not take control of his impulses.
High blood pressure is related to stress in a great way. His lifestyle was reckless. He was purely a I will do it what I want type of guy.
I won't lie; I was intrigued by this attitude. He surely helped bring me out of my shell and when he used his talents in the proper way, he was exciting and fun. We had a lot of fun and did a lot of things.
But, he really did not care. He did not love himself, believe in himself in a positive way, or have any true belief in God. Although when I met him, he was going to church every Sunday, I soon discovered it was a sham. He was only going for show. As a matter of fact, nothing was sincere about him except his desire to go over and slide by. A true con man.
As of last week, he has had four strokes, at least five true heart attacks, both legs removed, left arm not functional, right arm barely functional, lost finger on right hand, kidney failure,Aorta valve replaced, stint put in his basal artery.
God's will be done.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
A New Dawn, A New Day and I'm Feeling Gooood!
Well, I can say I am officially over my marriage and ready to take the next step, whatever that may be. Although I completely believe in marriage, I am glad I no longer have to work so hard. Marriage is hard work even when it goes well.
My marriage suffered greatly because only one of us was really putting forth effort. Now that it is over I recognize how exhausted I am from being the bigger person.
Now that it is a new dawn, a new day, I am feeling good about my future relationships. I do believe I will have the tools to be an excellent partner, should I choose to be.
Right now, I am just basking in the glow of being free to be me.
Peace
My marriage suffered greatly because only one of us was really putting forth effort. Now that it is over I recognize how exhausted I am from being the bigger person.
Now that it is a new dawn, a new day, I am feeling good about my future relationships. I do believe I will have the tools to be an excellent partner, should I choose to be.
Right now, I am just basking in the glow of being free to be me.
Peace
Thursday, January 17, 2013
The Greatest Compliment
My oldest came to me and said, "Mom, I want to thank you for being a great example of what it means to let a man be a man.
I was somewhat shocked by her assertion, but definitely pleased because I prided myself on being the type of woman who knew how not to step on a man's toes. I was able to do that because I have always had respect for him as a person and a man. It has never been my desire to rule a man, or to try to change him.
I believe each of us should be allowed to live our lives and be who we are. I held fast to this in my relationship. I did not let who he was keep me from being that kind of wife I wanted to be. My daughter talked of how amazed she was by the fact that I allowed him to do things he had never done before like change diapers, feed the babies, etc. She talked about how many women would have done all they could to take the lead, whereas I literally stepped back and allowed him to make mistakes if that is what was going to happen.
I know I am blessed and it is sort of getting scary because suddenly I am being praised by my children and my ex. My karma feels good and I am thankful for the acknowledgements, but at the end of the day, I am just being me. Who I am just happens to be great!
I was somewhat shocked by her assertion, but definitely pleased because I prided myself on being the type of woman who knew how not to step on a man's toes. I was able to do that because I have always had respect for him as a person and a man. It has never been my desire to rule a man, or to try to change him.
I believe each of us should be allowed to live our lives and be who we are. I held fast to this in my relationship. I did not let who he was keep me from being that kind of wife I wanted to be. My daughter talked of how amazed she was by the fact that I allowed him to do things he had never done before like change diapers, feed the babies, etc. She talked about how many women would have done all they could to take the lead, whereas I literally stepped back and allowed him to make mistakes if that is what was going to happen.
I know I am blessed and it is sort of getting scary because suddenly I am being praised by my children and my ex. My karma feels good and I am thankful for the acknowledgements, but at the end of the day, I am just being me. Who I am just happens to be great!
When It Is Over
I know for sure, without a doubt my intimate relationship is over with my estranged husband. There is no part of me that wants to believe in any possiblity that things could be different. As I bask in my new found freedom, I can't help but notice how much more alive I feel with less stress in my life. I gave my all to my marriage and it was most definitely not in vain. I gained me.
My marriage grew me up, straightened me out and showed me how strong and capable I truly am. When it is over, you know it and it is over for me. Now, I only think of him as the father of my children and someone I used to love. Sometimes I do miss loving him, but when I really think about it, it's not him I miss as much as I miss the act of loving.
After I finished talking to him, I felt a deep sigh of relief. Partially because I could tell he is finally maturing and it is a blessing. The other part of the relief comes from not being attached. Even though I like being attached, I like not being attached even better. Relationships, especially intimate take a lot of work.
When it is over, there is a sense of closure and accomplishment. I still help him when I can, but I no longer feel obligated. He has freed me from that by letting me know he knows he didn't do his best to be a husband to me.
Better luck next time.
My marriage grew me up, straightened me out and showed me how strong and capable I truly am. When it is over, you know it and it is over for me. Now, I only think of him as the father of my children and someone I used to love. Sometimes I do miss loving him, but when I really think about it, it's not him I miss as much as I miss the act of loving.
After I finished talking to him, I felt a deep sigh of relief. Partially because I could tell he is finally maturing and it is a blessing. The other part of the relief comes from not being attached. Even though I like being attached, I like not being attached even better. Relationships, especially intimate take a lot of work.
When it is over, there is a sense of closure and accomplishment. I still help him when I can, but I no longer feel obligated. He has freed me from that by letting me know he knows he didn't do his best to be a husband to me.
Better luck next time.
Full Circle
Wednesday afternoon I received a call from my estranged husband that has been exactly what I needed to have full closure.
I took all of 2012 and allowed myself to purge myself of the attachment feelings that were plaguing me. My heart was really invested and it took that long to smolder the fire that had burned for so long.
Well, he called me and said, "I miss you Wanda. I miss having you in my life, especially now."
I couldn't believe he was actually owning up to his role in the demise of our relationship. It only took almost two years. When we initially broke up, he actually had the nerve to call me and try to force me to say it was my fault. I said nothing and he eventually hung up. Yesterday was completely different. He said, "I will say I was 80% responsible for what happened in our marriage and I don't blame you for not wanting to be with me. You were the only person who really loved me and although I don't regret much in my life because I made the choice, I do regret not doing right by you."
I said nothing. There was nothing to say. He made a point to tell me he loved me and told him I loved him too, and I do, but I never want to live with him again.
He also admitted that he just wanted immediate gratification. He wanted to do what he wanted to do and I let him. Hindsight is 20/20, but now it is too late. I do not want to look back. I am sure he would probably be a better husband, now, but I cannot take the chance. There is too much at stake. I have done what I should have done and God has blessed me immensely. I refuse to second guess when I know for sure, we cannot be together.
I appreciate the call and I do believe he thinks he loves me or at least should love me, but I know he really cannot until he learns to love himself.
I took all of 2012 and allowed myself to purge myself of the attachment feelings that were plaguing me. My heart was really invested and it took that long to smolder the fire that had burned for so long.
Well, he called me and said, "I miss you Wanda. I miss having you in my life, especially now."
I couldn't believe he was actually owning up to his role in the demise of our relationship. It only took almost two years. When we initially broke up, he actually had the nerve to call me and try to force me to say it was my fault. I said nothing and he eventually hung up. Yesterday was completely different. He said, "I will say I was 80% responsible for what happened in our marriage and I don't blame you for not wanting to be with me. You were the only person who really loved me and although I don't regret much in my life because I made the choice, I do regret not doing right by you."
I said nothing. There was nothing to say. He made a point to tell me he loved me and told him I loved him too, and I do, but I never want to live with him again.
He also admitted that he just wanted immediate gratification. He wanted to do what he wanted to do and I let him. Hindsight is 20/20, but now it is too late. I do not want to look back. I am sure he would probably be a better husband, now, but I cannot take the chance. There is too much at stake. I have done what I should have done and God has blessed me immensely. I refuse to second guess when I know for sure, we cannot be together.
I appreciate the call and I do believe he thinks he loves me or at least should love me, but I know he really cannot until he learns to love himself.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Back on the Grind
Losing my marriage privileges really threw me for a loop. I only wrote 37, now 38 post this entire year. I just felt melancholy and I allowed myself to go with it instead of trying to forget, or to stop myself from missing what I have lost.
I must say doing so has purged me of many of the feelings I was having surrounding accepting I will have to find another at some point or time. You really do get comfortable with a person after 27 years and the thought of being with another man didn't seem appealing for a long time.
I am back on the grind for marriage. I learned a lot in 27 years about relationships and dealing with the opposite sex. I hope to be helpful and inspired in the upcoming year. I was down for a while, but never out.
Peace, love and soul,
Martyr for Marriage
I must say doing so has purged me of many of the feelings I was having surrounding accepting I will have to find another at some point or time. You really do get comfortable with a person after 27 years and the thought of being with another man didn't seem appealing for a long time.
I am back on the grind for marriage. I learned a lot in 27 years about relationships and dealing with the opposite sex. I hope to be helpful and inspired in the upcoming year. I was down for a while, but never out.
Peace, love and soul,
Martyr for Marriage
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Ten Months
My husband and I have been separated ten months. It has been a blast for me. The mental revival and renewal is just what I needed. At 50 years old, my way of thinking has changed so drastically until I barely suffered at all. God has released me completely from my marriage and know that it is over I can look back and see what He was doing all the time.
My husband has never been the ideal mate, but I didn't require that as much as I required someone who put the time in. He did that, as much as he could anyway. In June, we will have been married 23. August marks our 27th year of being apart of each other's lives. He has been there whether he was completely functional or not. Considering what he had to work with I marvel at how much he was able to accomplish.
My son and I were talking the other day and he said, "My dad was there for me. I knows he loves me."
To a mother, that means the world because she knows her child has gotten what he needed. All children need to know they are loved no matter what they have or do not have, love is the key that will unlock their potential to be the best human beings they can be.
Although my marriage has come to an end, I will always advocate for marriage because it is most definitely important and needed in this society and world. Marriage is the bedrock of any nation. Families make the world worthwhile. Families fuel the economy. Families keep the species alive.
Marriage give purpose to it all. I am proud of our efforts. I truly believe a couple's children reveal the truth about their household. If that is true, then we did great.
My husband has never been the ideal mate, but I didn't require that as much as I required someone who put the time in. He did that, as much as he could anyway. In June, we will have been married 23. August marks our 27th year of being apart of each other's lives. He has been there whether he was completely functional or not. Considering what he had to work with I marvel at how much he was able to accomplish.
My son and I were talking the other day and he said, "My dad was there for me. I knows he loves me."
To a mother, that means the world because she knows her child has gotten what he needed. All children need to know they are loved no matter what they have or do not have, love is the key that will unlock their potential to be the best human beings they can be.
Although my marriage has come to an end, I will always advocate for marriage because it is most definitely important and needed in this society and world. Marriage is the bedrock of any nation. Families make the world worthwhile. Families fuel the economy. Families keep the species alive.
Marriage give purpose to it all. I am proud of our efforts. I truly believe a couple's children reveal the truth about their household. If that is true, then we did great.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Ode To Elizabeth Edwards: Part Two
John Edwards is paying publically for his sins. What is happening to him and my husband is a great example of you betta watch who you mistreat. What comes around have come back around for them in a big way.
No one could have ever told me my husband would end up in the state he is currently in, yet it is God's will. He lived a reckless life and know he couldn't tie his shoes, or shall I say, shoe, if he wanted to. The same body he used to misuse and mistreat others is almost completely no good time him now. He is living a lonely life, left on his own to deal with what he has created.
Look at John. He is front page news because of his blatant misuse of power trying to conceal his adulterous activities that led to the birth of a child. He is pleading innocent when the proof is overwhelming. How could he? The same way he did what he wasn't supposed to do, blatantly and without any thought of what would follow should he be caught.
I am glad Elizabeth didn't have to live to face the further humiliation brought on by her husband's lack of indiscretion. I on the other, have disconnected myself from my husband. Even when we were together, I didn't let his choices affect my life as much as possible. I would have never wished the life be literally zapped from him, I love his free spirit and independent ways, but as I mentioned earlier God's will is in progress. Maybe both John Edwards and my husband will see the light. Maybe the won't, but they sure will pay for living in darkness.
No one could have ever told me my husband would end up in the state he is currently in, yet it is God's will. He lived a reckless life and know he couldn't tie his shoes, or shall I say, shoe, if he wanted to. The same body he used to misuse and mistreat others is almost completely no good time him now. He is living a lonely life, left on his own to deal with what he has created.
Look at John. He is front page news because of his blatant misuse of power trying to conceal his adulterous activities that led to the birth of a child. He is pleading innocent when the proof is overwhelming. How could he? The same way he did what he wasn't supposed to do, blatantly and without any thought of what would follow should he be caught.
I am glad Elizabeth didn't have to live to face the further humiliation brought on by her husband's lack of indiscretion. I on the other, have disconnected myself from my husband. Even when we were together, I didn't let his choices affect my life as much as possible. I would have never wished the life be literally zapped from him, I love his free spirit and independent ways, but as I mentioned earlier God's will is in progress. Maybe both John Edwards and my husband will see the light. Maybe the won't, but they sure will pay for living in darkness.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Ode to Elizabeth Edwards
I know it is hard for her family to have lost her, Elizabeth Edwards, that is. She was a "good wife." The wife of a man hoping to be President of the United States, but too weak to be a man of honor. She loved him for 31 years. I am pretty sure she kept her promises, at least I'd like to think so. The last year of her life was full of unnecessary strife because of her husband's bad choices.
He chose to be with an unstable woman and actually impregnated her and told her he loved her. I know this was hard for Elizabeth and that is why she had to write the book she did. So many questioned her motives. So many thought she should have been too embarrassed to aire the truth regarding her marriage. She had to do it. Just as I did, because I too know the pain of losing the affection of your husband.
My husband has never proclaimed to love anyone else. He does have a son two months older than our last child. We were separated and during this time he felt he was free. Silly man. Even with all we have been through my husband has not waviered regarding believing he loves me. I will admit there is comfort in the fact he has not declared his love for anyone else, but his desire to be with other women, reminds me that love is not enough.
Elizabeth Edwards was strong and capable, but she did not take good care of herself. She admitted to not getting mammograms and not doing self checks. She admitted to putting others first. There is a big part of me that believes her younger children were born out of a desire to replace a loss and to prevent a loss. She had those children in her late forties when we all experience great transition and longing, especially if we have children who are leaving home. Unfortunately she lost a son when he was 18, and I think she probably wanted to have that feeling of motherhood again.
She will be greatly missed. She was most definitely a "Warrior Wife." She fought to save her marriage to the bitter end. What a great role model for hanging in there. Rest in Peace
She will be greatly missed. She was most definitely a "Warrior Wife." She fought to save her marriage to the bitter end. What a great role model for hanging in there. Rest in Peace
How To Stay Married
The first thing a married person who wants to give up on their marriage needs to do is examine their role in the downfall of the marriage. More often than not we focus on what we feel the other has done to us. We rarely look at our shortcomings, or what we do or do not bring to the relationship.
If you are honest with yourself, sometimes the simple act of recognizing your role in the problem can help you find a way to stay married.
The Cost of Forgiveness
The book, The Peacemaker, written by Ken Sande has opened my eyes to a natural part of my character I have displayed for most of my life. I am the ultimate peacemaker and I'm proud of it. His book is based on biblical principles. In the book, he talks about how forgiving can cost you, depending on who and what you forgive.
I believe this is especially true with forgiveness in my marriage. When I forgave my husband, it seemed things just began to fall apart. I forgave infidelity and there were remnants of "the other woman." My husband held on to her to the bitter end.
Being a peacemaker can and is often misconstruded. People tend to think you are weak, or a push over. In reality people who are peacemakers understand the value of forgiveness and know that God loves a forgiving heart. There is a cost for every action, whether good or bad, right or wrong. Being up for life's challenges and wanting to please God is the only way to fully appreciate the true power of forgiveness.
Silly Rabbit
Unfortunately, my estranged husband can only function under great distress. He makes choices that never benefit him in the long-run, but cannot seem to figure out to do something different. I was doing all I could to make his life less complicated since he is unable to utilize both his hands effectively. He had problem with a statement a made and became combative. Of course I pulled out of our arrangement immediately, as I was simply trying to "do the right thing," by him, since I am still "legally married" to him.
He called yesterday and left a message that he needed to go to the hospital. I silly can a person be? He called me to tel me to tell his son he MAY need him to take him to the hospital. Anyway!
He thought I was going to come running. Those days are over for good. He needs to find another flunky because I've done my time. It is more than obvious he wants to misuse me in anyway and for as long as possible.
I keep trying to tell him "Silly rabbit," tricks are for kids. Grow up and be the man you claim you are. Stop leaning and begin learning. When will you accept, you get what you put out in life. In his case, nothing from nothing leaves nothing.
He called yesterday and left a message that he needed to go to the hospital. I silly can a person be? He called me to tel me to tell his son he MAY need him to take him to the hospital. Anyway!
He thought I was going to come running. Those days are over for good. He needs to find another flunky because I've done my time. It is more than obvious he wants to misuse me in anyway and for as long as possible.
I keep trying to tell him "Silly rabbit," tricks are for kids. Grow up and be the man you claim you are. Stop leaning and begin learning. When will you accept, you get what you put out in life. In his case, nothing from nothing leaves nothing.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Old Habits Really Do Die Hard
I want to take care of him as I have always done, still after being separated over 9 months. Even though I am happy with my life, there is a great part of me that still wants to be a wife to him. In a way, I am sort of proud of myself because I have some full circle and can see that I was serious about my marriage.
I continued to do what I believed I was mandated to do until the bitter end. The fact I was willing to be in his presence at all says a lot. He really did me dirty, but it was nothing God couldn't see me through, and he did. Yet, I yearn to be a wife to him.
Old habits really do die hard. 26 years is a long time to love and truly care for someone. You can't just go cold turkey without some type of withdrawal. I have not tried to force anything on myself. I have allowed myself to naturally moved pass my feelings for him.
I continued to do what I believed I was mandated to do until the bitter end. The fact I was willing to be in his presence at all says a lot. He really did me dirty, but it was nothing God couldn't see me through, and he did. Yet, I yearn to be a wife to him.
Old habits really do die hard. 26 years is a long time to love and truly care for someone. You can't just go cold turkey without some type of withdrawal. I have not tried to force anything on myself. I have allowed myself to naturally moved pass my feelings for him.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Doing the Right Thing
I have been going over to my husband's apartment and cleaning and cooking for him. It is not as hard as I thought it would be. I am used to doing the right thing, so when he said he no longer had anyone who was willing to help him, I did not hesitate because it was the right thing to do.
Although it is the right thing to do, it is extremely hard seeing him without the leg and use of his left hand. I really wish him well. It is too bad he has made the choices he has. He needs to be home with his family but he gave us up for nothing. Now that he needs us the most, no one really wants to be bother with him.
He was good the first few times we went out. He kept his mouth shut. This last time I got tight because he's a backseat driver and extremely opinionated when it is not warranted. I do not know how much longer I am going to be able to help him.
I stay in prayer.
Although it is the right thing to do, it is extremely hard seeing him without the leg and use of his left hand. I really wish him well. It is too bad he has made the choices he has. He needs to be home with his family but he gave us up for nothing. Now that he needs us the most, no one really wants to be bother with him.
He was good the first few times we went out. He kept his mouth shut. This last time I got tight because he's a backseat driver and extremely opinionated when it is not warranted. I do not know how much longer I am going to be able to help him.
I stay in prayer.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Why The Whole Town Is Laughing at My Husband
My husband had a good thing, when he chose me as his wife. As much as he wants to believe I could have been better, he knows he had the best. Yet, throughout our 26 years of being married, he was unable to appreciate me.
He finally made it clear he was unable to respect me and I did what any self-respecting individual would do, I removed myself from his presence. Now, he's lonely, alone and the whole town is laughing at him, they are wondering, "Silly fool, how'd he lose such a good thing."
I won't take credit for the title. It is taken from a Teddy Pendergrass song released in the 70's, but it is so fitting to what is going on in my marriage.
My husband always wanted to be a player, but there was a side of him that wanted to be a family man. Unfortunately, because of how he was raised and how society perpetuates "Boys will be boys," he thought he would be able to live a dual life and get away with it.
Because I am a praying wife, a forgiving wife, and an understanding wife; he took all those times I said, "You're gonna miss me when I'm gone," lightly.
Today, I had to let him know The past eight months of no intimacy between us is an example of how it will be the rest of our lives, whether we divorce or not. We will not live together, sleep together, or ever make love with each other again.
Bonnie Raitt said it best, "I can't make you love me if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something it won't."
This is true in his case. Because he does not love himself, he couldn't love me. It took me years to fully understand this, but now I got it. As a matter of fact, I don't want him if he does not love himself. Living with him all those years taught me it just doesn't work. Self-love is key to being able to love someone else. It is a must. Everything else is artificial, make believe, a lie.
I told him he has always been the only man for me, but I will do without him before I allow him to ever hurt me again. It is painful to see him and not be able to give him me, but he made it this way and I am going to leave it as it is. I will be alone the rest of my life if necessary, but he can't have another minute of my life.
He will always have a special place in my heart, but never again in my bed.
He finally made it clear he was unable to respect me and I did what any self-respecting individual would do, I removed myself from his presence. Now, he's lonely, alone and the whole town is laughing at him, they are wondering, "Silly fool, how'd he lose such a good thing."
I won't take credit for the title. It is taken from a Teddy Pendergrass song released in the 70's, but it is so fitting to what is going on in my marriage.
My husband always wanted to be a player, but there was a side of him that wanted to be a family man. Unfortunately, because of how he was raised and how society perpetuates "Boys will be boys," he thought he would be able to live a dual life and get away with it.
Because I am a praying wife, a forgiving wife, and an understanding wife; he took all those times I said, "You're gonna miss me when I'm gone," lightly.
Today, I had to let him know The past eight months of no intimacy between us is an example of how it will be the rest of our lives, whether we divorce or not. We will not live together, sleep together, or ever make love with each other again.
Bonnie Raitt said it best, "I can't make you love me if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something it won't."
This is true in his case. Because he does not love himself, he couldn't love me. It took me years to fully understand this, but now I got it. As a matter of fact, I don't want him if he does not love himself. Living with him all those years taught me it just doesn't work. Self-love is key to being able to love someone else. It is a must. Everything else is artificial, make believe, a lie.
I told him he has always been the only man for me, but I will do without him before I allow him to ever hurt me again. It is painful to see him and not be able to give him me, but he made it this way and I am going to leave it as it is. I will be alone the rest of my life if necessary, but he can't have another minute of my life.
He will always have a special place in my heart, but never again in my bed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)