What Can Marriage Do For You?

What can marriage do for you?
Well, I am so glad  you asked. Marriage is a character reveler and/or builder. I know I would not be the woman I am today had I not married the man I did. Our union tested ever belief, conviction and thought I had about what marriage was about.

I learned humility, compassion, self-love, and my self-esteem grew during my marriage. I learned to be quiet and that I should pick my battles and that love, true love does not hurt.

Marriage can help you decided what kind of life you want to live, how you want your children to be reared and whether or not you are the person you say you want to be.

My marriage consistently challenged me to look at myself in every situation and decided if I was being who I really wanted to be. Marriage gave me permission to explore my sensuality and unleash my sexuality.

Marriage challenges your ego to surrender for the sake of another. It gives your heart the needed exercise when you focus on an other's happiness. Marriage gives you someone for you. That partner who says, "I want to see you smile. What can I do to make you smile today?"

If you have someone in your life willing to let you be you and love you anyway, you need to kiss the very ground they walk on cause you have found a good thing.

Marriage is for those ready to grow, give, live and love.

The Cost of Forgiveness

The book, The Peacemaker, written by Ken Sande has opened my eyes to a natural part of my character I have displayed for most of my life. I am the ultimate peacemaker and I'm proud of it. His book is based on biblical principles. In the book, he talks about how forgiving can cost you, depending on who and what you forgive.

I believe this is especially true with forgiveness in my marriage. When I forgave my husband, it seemed things just began to fall apart. I forgave infidelity and there were remnants of "the other woman." My husband held on to her to the bitter end.

Being a peacemaker can and is often misconstruded. People tend to think you are weak, or a push over. In reality people who are peacemakers understand the value of forgiveness and know that God loves a forgiving heart. There is a cost for every action, whether good or bad, right or wrong. Being up for life's challenges and wanting to please God is the only way to fully appreciate the true power of forgiveness.

Getting Excited!

I feel an unrest I haven't felt in years. I know something wonderful is about to happen and I am so ready. These last three years have been extremely difficult. It has been apparent my husband was not going to forgive me, as I had done for him. The more I put effort towards reconciliation, he'd do something stupid to mess it up.

I did very well overlooking, ignoring and understanding why he was the way he was. I prayed constantly for God to give me the strength to bear the burden and I did. I did it and I did it well. At times I felt as though my husband was doing things just to see if I would quit. He wanted to see me sweat, but he didn't get the pleasure. I was and am cool.

I did what I did in my marriage so God would get the glory. I wanted to prove that God could work through someone like me, independent, opinionated, and headstrong. God softened my heart, helped me learn to utilize my forgiveness button and gave me the peace I needed to follow through with His will.

My husband was jealous of me. He was upset because he couldn't upset me. He couldn't believe I learned to pick my battles, agree to disagree and love him anyway. He couldn't fathom me not leaving him when I found out he had a girlfriend. He couldn't imagine me taking care of him with the care I did when he was most ill. He would often compliment me on how I handled some of the most difficult bullshit I'll ever deal with in my life.

I'm getting excited because I truly thought I'd be responsible for my husband's well-being for the rest of my life. God freed me and not a moment too soon. Many would say I gave my husband the best years of my life. They just don't know. I have yet to experience the best years. All the years up until now have been earning points for the glorious life just ahead. I am so excited and I just can't hide it.

New Book

I am currently writing book five in the series Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage. The subtitle is The Cost of Forgiveness.

The other two books I wrote in the series deal with why and how I decided to reconcile with my husband instead of getting a divorce. This book will deal with the price I have had to pay for forgiving him.

Yes, the forgiveness brought relief, but it also meant that since I had chosen to forgive him, I still had to contend with the aftermath of the forgiveness. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean they change, or even that they are different. What it does mean, if it is true forgiveness, is that you do not bring up the matter anymore. You don't hold the past over their heads, and you treat them like you want to be treated.

What you soon find is people will always disappoint you on some level. You must learn to lean not on your understanding, but to use God during these times to find strength to endure.

The book will be published in the spring of 2012.

How Could I Let You Get Away?

My husband is trying desperately to make up with me. He has continued to disrespect me, take advantage of my love and kindness, and take me for granted. I put a stop to it and of course he is now trying to act like nothing happened. He is a "sweep it under the rug," kinda guy. It is such a waste of time, because the lump of sh*t only gets bigger under the rug. Eventually you will trip over it.

I do believe it has gone to far.

Feelings

I am having feelings that tend to make me want to leave where I am and do something different with different people. I have grown tired of the routine I have set for myself, even though oddly enough it is still gratifying when I want to fall back on it. Yet, I yearn for a new way of life. I am craving myself. I want to be with me.

I have been responsible since I was 17 years old. I have had to tow the line and be mature and take care of others and now I want my time, but I still have a teenager to get out of high school and into college. Sometimes I get frightened by how real my desires are to be free. I want to soar. I have been flying for a while now. I am ready for new heights.

Having a chronically ill husband probably has a lot to do with it. He is so sick I just can't seem to get away from it. We spend a lot of time together up close and personal which really isn't bad because we have a good relationship. It amazes how we have gotten to the point where we don't argue. We say what needs to be said and leave it at that. So, I can't say that I'm stressed out because we aren't getting along. I can't remember the last time I was angry with him, or he me for that matter, still I just want a break. I need to deal with these feelings.

You Don't Know Me

So many people I meet make up their minds about what kind of person I am instantly. Then there are those who hear about me from others, form an opinion, then apologize stating, "You aren't like they said."

No, you don't know me. I am a strong black woman, capable of many things. I have come to the conclusion that the choices I made were necessary for my continued growth and maturity. I have chosen a hard path, one very similar to my grandmother and mother. My girls will break the cycle. In many ways they already have.

Yes, I am a peacemaker. I have been for all my life. I am the type that would love to burst into song throughout the day. I love to dance and laugh. I want everyone to feel as comfortable as they can around me. This is why I have developed the ability to allow others to be themselves with very few expectations. I am open to their process as much as I am my own, because I know people come into your for a reason. It is up to us to accept this and learn from the transactions that transpire between those we engage.

When I was in high school, I was accused of having the "Martin Luther King" syndrome. People hated the fact I would do what I could to find a win/win situation for all. Throughout the years I learned how impossible of a feat this can be, especially when you are dealing with those who would rather inspire conflict than a resolution. I desire peace. I desire harmony and silence. Because of this fact, I keep my life pretty clean. I have cut off, dropped away from, or simply forgot about certain people who were either hangers on, or folk who like to complain, but never really stand up and do what is necessary to make a change.

On the other hand, I have no problem with conflict if it is necessary to get to a peaceful resolution. Sometimes somebody might have to get cursed out to get the point. If that is the case, I can do that too. I'd much rather have peace, but I can do chaos.

You don't know me. You won't know me if you don't allow me to be me with you. If I have to be certain way to be your friend, I won't be your friend. If I have to have money to hang with you, even if I had it I wouldn't. If I had to know a certain set, or run with a certain crew for you to consider me, I won't be considered. I love me just the way I am with all my imperfections, limitations, and failures. I am.

Life 101

Myhusband is a but man. Whenever you tell him something that is true, or right, he'll say, "You right, but.

Life 101
"You said, 'but.' I've put my finger on the whole trouble. You're a 'but' man. Don't say, 'but.' That little word 'but' is the difference between success and failure. Henry Ford said, 'I'm going to invent the automobile,' and Arthur T. Flanken said, 'But...'" Sgt. Ernie Bilko, "The Phil Silvers Show"

Unfortunately, my husband has always been that way and his life shows it. He always finds a 'but' to insert and it usually wipes away any chance that something could be different or better. Now that he is chronically ill, I see how his negativity is causing him to have more bad days than good. For some reason, he just can't seem to understand he can't overeat. Not only because he is diabetic, but due to the severity of the diabetes his body is no longer able to process large amounts of food. He suffers greatly for days, sometimes weeks at a time. I look at him and think to myself, "If only he believed more. If only he would get out of his own way."

Instead, he consistently loses each day he begins. He holds on to things he should have long let go. He lies to others and himself and he refuses to accept the situation for what it is. He will never again be the same. The strokes, heart attack, kidney failure, and now liver failure, have all caused his illness to go to another level. He hasn't changed his ways.

I often wonder, "My God, what will it take for him to do something different?" It may never happen and I am prepared for that too.

What We Do Right

If you were to ask my husband why he stays married, he would first say because of our children. I have no problem with that. Staying because of the children is a good thing if the couple can be civil. I think more people would stay because of the kids if they could only act civil. That is not the caase. Most married folk are to immature to try to get along. Ultimately being married means you have to mature. You have grin and bear. You have to be willing to do the work.
I think my husband and I are right for making an effort to get along. We are so different in almost every way. The fact we can rally together for the sake of family the sake of family adds to my happiness.

Problem Solving

Did you know there are six steps to problem solving? I know many people don't know that. They think drinking a glass of wine and worrying will solve their problems. They think telling everyone they know will help them find the answer. They think running to the arms of someone other than their spouse will solve the problem.

Well here are the six steps to solving problems:

1. Defind the problem-Get a clear idea of what the problem really is. Oftentimes, we don't really understand the issue at hand.
2. Generate possible solutions-You hear people say, after making a stupid decision, "Well, I thought I had no other choice." People limit themselves when it comes to possible solutions to the problems of their lives when in fact there are usually at least four or five solutions that are viable.
3. Evaluate the solutions-Take time to figure out if the solution will be a win/win for all involved.
4. Making the decision-After going over the possiblities, one solution may stick out more than another. If you are still having trouble with the solution, rework it until one clearly seems to be the answer.
5. Determine the implementation-Figure out how you are going to execute your solution. Figure out who is going to do what and follow up until it is done.
6. Assessing the success-Is the problem solved? Are you satisfied with the solution?

Taking the time to use these steps will make a difference when problems arise.
5.

Fun

I grew up too fast. I was never big on fun as a kid because where I grew up people often died for the sake of a good time.

My father would often comment, "You are going to be an old lady trying to have fun." He was right, but the great thing about it is I know how to have age appropriate fun. I am enjoying approaching 50 and I pray my health remains great and also my spirit.

I must admit the way the world has unfolding before my eyes throughout the years has left me quite weary. People are horrible to each other and it just seems to be getting progressively worse. Still, I laugh, love and live as though everything is just as I want it to be because in many ways it is. I have control over my life right now. Although I still have yet to obtain the financial status I desire, I am happy with how my life is going.

I am going to have fun.

Don't Get it Twisted

"There ae really only two ways to approach llife, as a victim or gallant fighter--and you must decide if you want to act or react, deal with you own cards or play with a stacked deck. And if you don't decide which way to play with life, it will always play with you." Merle Shain

People often ask, "How's life treating you?" I immediately let them know I don't let life treat me. I am the captain of my destiny.

You have to think like that. You cannot wait on life you have to create, develop, and live the life you desire.

Whose dealing your cards?

Never Too Late

Have you hurt someone? Have you hurt yourself? It is never too late to forgive. Absolutely never too late.

Use your forgiveness muscle and watch love grow.

On the Outside Looking In

If you are on the outside looking into my marital relationship, you are probably thinking, "Why would she stay?"

People who know my situation probably think I'm a fool. They think this because society dictates that anyone who endures situations, circumstances, life in general is a sucker. In today's world of microwave lifestyles, soundbite conversation, acronyms, and short-cuts, anyone who stands for something is looked at as really taking a fall.

I choose to stay in my marriage. It was unhealthy for me for a long time and when it became too much to bear, I separated from what I believed to be the source of my problems, my husband. It didn't take long, or much for me to realize I was just as much the problem as he when it came to our union. I am not perfect, even though I come damn close.

My husband is one of those people who has figured out how to get his needs met without too much effort on his part. He leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to being involved in a relationship. Yes, I admit, I probably shouldn't have married him, but he also married me, knowing he wasn't marriage material, but he wanted to be. Unfortunately, in his case, wanting to be married never manifested in his becoming more marriageable, but it doesn't matter, because he is married.

He married me knowing he probably should not have. I married him knowing I probably should not have. Why did we? Because we have a strong chemistry, a serious spiritual bond and a deep love of family. These things have kept us together for over 25 years. We have deep feelings to fall back on when all else fails. I can sincerely say I love my husband without a doubt. He loves me to the extent he loves himself. So, it is a day-to-day thing. Good thing we only get one day at a time. That's all I need. Tomorrow is not promised to you, but if you got love today, you got it all.

Sometimes I think people are upset that I know how to love unconditionally. Surely, I should want to have conditions and expectations on and of the man I'm with. Too late. I married for love. Nothing more, nothing less. So I don't get upset when he falls short in other areas, as long as at the end of the day, when he wraps his arms around me, I feel loved.

Yeah, I know. Love don't put food on the table, it don't pay the rent, etc. I don't need it to do that. I do that and gladly. I've said hundreds of times. I don't expect others to understand, or to even care about my situation. I do expect them to keep their comments to themselves if they are not positive. We are doing something right. Our kids are marvelous, well-educated, well-spoken, manner able, thoughtful, and generous. They believe in God and family and I don't expect anything more from them except to love and they know how to do that too.

It is so easy to think, "Wanda, you'd be better off without him. Your life would be so different. You could do this, and you could do that."

What they fail to understand or don't care to know is I was dead spiritually before my husband came into my life. Yes, now that I have gotten to know the real him, I probably wouldn't have married him had I known these things early on, but that is how God planned it. Because I was willing to take the journey of discovery, I have been allowed to be apart of the life of another. Someone who I randomly met 25 years ago. Someone who walked into my life and challenged everything about it. Someone who helped me learn how to live.

You can't buy that. You can't steal it. You have to live it. You have to go through it. I'm holding on. I'm not so arrogant to believe that I would fair any better than the 80% of those who divorce after getting married a second time.

They divorce again because they brought the problem with them to the second marriage, themselves. I've used my raggedy marriage to straighten up my life, to become the woman I always wanted to be and to be a light of hope and encouragement for my children. Although, they too, question my motives, each day the full picture comes more and more into focus. They can see! They can see!

I Get the Feeling

Sometimes I get a lot of feelings around subjects. I feel like I should say a certain thing, or do a certain thing, or be a certain place. Instead of fragmenting myself, I write. I write a lot. I have a journal and I notice I don't write in it as much when I am experiencing stress in a positive sense. I take the time to give thanks and praise for the gifts, good news, less energy wasted, or whatever the case may be, but I don't go into as much detail as I would when I am upset, anger, furious, ready to kill, melancholy.

Melancholy is intoxicating. As does meaning words, melancholy has several meanings. It can mean 1. Sadness or depression of spirits, gloom. 2. Pensive reflective or comtemplative. I experience more of #2. I am quite pensive, reflective and comtemplative. It is truly as much a part of who I am as my eye color. What I like even more is that I have learned to control it, and recognize it, (melancholy) for what it is. I see its benefits in my life and I use it for it usefulness.

Peace

Different

I feel different. My thoughts have shifted, my mind has changed about several things I once held in stone. I feel different. I do think the trip to Florida has a lot to do with it. During the weeks before I was to go, I found myself refusing to think about what was to come. I made a conscious decision not to anticipate and I am so glad I did.

My not needing to know, my lack of though towards what I thought I'd see or do, made it possible for me to be completely open to the experience. The entire time I succumbed to the wishes of others. Whatever they wanted to do, I did. I made no suggestions, I just went along. I very seldom, if ever do that. But, while in Florida, I did. I let go, for real.

Wow! Because of my ability to do that, I got a chance to see myself in a different light. I got to see that I am very balanced in the way I deal with others and I think that is why I have the appeal I do with certain individuals.

If you want things to be different, you have to want to be different.

Forgiveness

This is the first of many blogs about the empowering result of forgiveness. Forgiveness is in our nature. It represents our ability to use what God has given us to better ourselves so that we may be a model for others.

We all have a forgiveness muscle. Put yours to use, as much as you can, whenever you can. A remarkable transformation will happen in your marriage when you truly learn to forgive.