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Peace

Here We Go

I am completely ready for 2011. I already know what I need to do. I will continue to work on my latest book, BFI: Black Female Intellectual, I am also working on a book with my daughter, Maia. I plan to seek writing positions and be writing full time by the end of 2011.

I will continue to take care of my husband and family.

The biggest challenge? I need to shed 50 pounds in 2011.

I am ready.

Peace

The Last Hour of 2010

It is quiet, for right now. They have been shooting in my neighborhood for since 9 p.m. Some of the guns sound like cannons. My husband lay on our bedroom floor in pain and moaning and praying for God to help him. He has been like this for over a week.

He fell out of the chair and began to shake. I covered him with the comforter. He laid there and moaned and cried out and asking why this was happening. Then he stopped and had a blank stair on his face. I yelled for my daughter to call 911. He got very loud and yelled, "No, I ain't going to no hospital. They don't do nothing for me."

"What about us, Jerome?"

"I'm alright baby." He said trying to really sound like he wasn't in pain.

I have no idea why he is torturing himself. I truly don't understand it. He has literally been vomiting for days. He makes gut wrenching sounds that go all through the house, turning every one's stomach. He has everyone taking care of him, helping him off the floor when he falls out, bringing him water, etc.

We all love him, but it is really hard to watch do this to himself. He is convinced he is going to die if he begins dialysis. The pain seems tremendous. I am so conflicted. He gets so angry and argues when I try to convince him to go to the hospital. I don't believe in sitting back and letting others hurt themselves. I'd hate to have to take drastic measures, but I will to save his life.

Even though this is going on, I am still happy and feeling joyous. I have been blessed with the knowledge that I am in control of my feelings and emotions, and although sad, I cannot allow what is going on with my husband to hinder me from enjoying the ride. In this last hour of 2010, I want peace and love. I just hugged my son, who is 19 and made the choice to be at home during this time. Many young men his age are out in the street, or at someones house, or club. He chose to be home. I thanked him for making the right decision.

My youngest is in her room listening to Justin Bieber. My oldest is in her room on the Internet. I am spilling my guts and my husband is throwing up his. We are all together.

I will leave so much behind with this year. I have made quantum leaps in many areas that were holding me back. I am free and at peace. It seriously amazes me at how much I have changed in regards to what I want and think I need. Last night I rocked my husband to sleep twice. He cooed like a newborn, and I felt useful. It blessed me to know my touch soothed him and I felt pleased with myself to know I genuinely wanted to take care of him.

Things could be so different, especially with all we have been through. I could be bitter and hateful. I could take advantage of his weakness and be mean to him and brutal, but I have chosen to love. I am more amazed by this revelation than anyone could imagine. You couldn't have told me that I would have chosen to love someone who has treated me as poorly as he has.

I have worked on myself. I have given myself what I need to be the woman God wants me to be. I am doing what I need to do for me, so my heart is not heavy. I carry no shame, no guilt, no burden that is not my own. I live to learn to love completely and totally just because I can. In this last hour of 2010, I plan to love the new year in.

I Knew It

If you have been following me, you know I have been saying that something needed to change, that this is my time, that I was in a waiting pattern, holding on, having faith, and believing. I am at this place. Another apocalypse, (revelation) has happened in my life. I knew I was right to believe in my marriage and to hold on to it no matter how bad it got. What I didn't know was how bad it could get, or that we would be experiencing the horrid torture of chronic illness.

My husband has been suffering for weeks now. I can barely stand to watch, yet something has brightened my perspective. It has come in the form of validation and 25 years of being open to what life has offer.

I knew it. I knew all I had to do was continue to believe what I always have, prayer works.

Support

I was coaching a woman and she looked at me and said, "Who coaches you? Where do you go for advice?" I looked at her and told her truthfully, "I lean on prayer, intuition, and very few friends."

I have never really had the type of support I've needed. That is one of the downfalls of being strong and capable, people are not apt to see you as someone who needs some help, or guidance. All guidance I have gotten, I have had to seek it out. I have two people in my life that support me greatly. One is a high powered professional always doing her thang, the other is a co-worker who turned out to be someone I could trust with my friendship.

Both these women have strong opinions and are level headed, but most importantly they get me to a great degree, and what they don't get, they wait for it to be revealed, or they just accept me for who I am. I find this to be rare. Most people expect to see themselves in you on some level. They usually reject folk who may not completely hold to the same values as they do. I value very little other than family and friends. Material things are just that things, so I tend not to find too many people who feel comfortable getting to know me on a deeper level.

It is my desire as I pass through this last leg on my journey of life to learn to ask for more support.

Liberation

I have a dancing spirit. My body loves music and rhythm. I have to dance. I just do. Dancing is something I am very good at and has always been. For as long as I can remember, music has soothed and moved me.

I am an energetic eclectic dancer. I don't do line dance, and have had problems with any dance routine I have tried to master. I simply like to just be free to move however the music wants me to. No hesitation, no inhibitions. I love to dance.

I remember when Madonna's "Get In the Groove," came out. She hit my right at my soul with the line, "Only when I'm dancing can I feel this free." That said it all and it is so true. I like dancing by myself, even when I am at a club. Partners have expectations, I just want to dance.

I have this beautiful book of poetry titled, "Room to Dance," I cry when I read the poetry.

Room to Dance

Incompletes.

Obstacles,

I turn away

Never arriving

on the other side.

Withholds.

Emotions,

Crammed in

the closet becoming

Too stuffed to open.

History.

Waste

from the past,

Littering my niche

I carry it with me,

Never

letting go.

Circumstances.

Clutter,

Infinite excuses why

What I have

is not

What I want.

No clear path

through the

Disorienting chaos

I wander

tripping

stumbling

falling.

I choose.

The Rhythm of Life

seduces me

into motion

Move by move, I

Complete

Reveal

Let Go

Engage.

Clearing the space,

Creating

Room to Dance.

Wow! This poem moves me, explains me, is me. I love the entire book. Dance has been my friend and I am eternally grateful. I have to move.

Control Freaks

People who try to control every situation usually find themselves not well liked by others. Most often they are not aware how much people despise them because they are too involved in affairs that do not concern them, or trying to figure out how to maneuver circumstances to fit their agenda.

When folk feel like they have to control things outside of themselves, they are usually running away from themselves. They are afraid to manage their own lives and ready and willing to tell everyone else what they should and shouldn't do with theirs.

Or, they actually manipulate situations, instigate discord among others, or they withhold love and other needs from others until they do what they want them to do.

I am sick of control freaks. I really wish they would get a life.

For Those Who Didn't Make It

Wow, this year has been the last for quite a few celebrities. I was completely thrown aback to hear Teena Marie is dead. She was only 54. That is what is so frightening to me. You really have no idea of the day or the time. You don't know how long you have. It is so important to live authentically because any day could be your last.

I know she lived a real life. She had the nerve to sing R&B music and loudly at that. I have always admired her and I will miss her greatly.

Peace, love and soul to all those who did not make it in 2010.

Can't Help It

With my husband being so sick, I can't help but thinking about the fact I very well may be a young widow. He is only fifty and I will be 49 next month. With this strong possibility looming over my head, I have given thought to whether I could be in another long-term relationship.

I think not. I don't want it. Many men are too needy and everybody is looking for something and dare I say, I have paid my dues. My biggest problem with men is that they are so fragile. Especially when they are in love. I learned a long time ago that a man is hard when he's soft, and soft when he's hard. There are women who spend their lives trying to keep men hard so they can appeal to his soft side. I'm a iron sharpens, iron chick. I cannot submit to ego buffering. This has been a major problem in my present relationship.

At first I didn't know what was going on, I had no idea. Then as I began to study patterns, read more books written by men about men, and generally pay attention; I found that he expected me to let him be wrong, lie, cheat, steal, etc. just because he was the male in the relationship. Or he expected me to let him do something he clearly was not capable of, just because his ego couldn't stand to see me do it. Anyway!

I am a grown ass woman, educated and free. I don't think so. Still, there is a great part of me that likes to have a man around. I know I will miss his presence the most when the time comes. Will I be able to fill that void with something other than another man? I can't help it, I have to wonder. My husband has no idea about how I feel. He is so self-centered and closed off because he really doesn't understand why he is sick. He really has truly connected the dots, so he can't help but feel wronged in some way. He doesn't think about how his feelings about his situation has affected others.

Then there is the whole age range thing. These young guys most definitely aren't ready for me, unless they are in academia, then they probably won't be into the other things I like to do. I can't help it, I wonder about these things. I most definitely will not deal with someone older than 55, even if I am older than 55. He has to be willing to eat healthy and exercise, no exceptions. I am living what can happen when you don't. It doesn't get any worse than to watch someone breath begin snatched away from them. I won't do it again.

I am so glad I live in the present. I don't wonder about these things much. It usually happens when he is really bad like he is now, when I can the life living his eyes. These are the times I can't help it.

My Sonny

Our son is great. I know it is strange to hear a parent saying something good about their child, but he is. He isn't working right now and he thinks I should be bothered by the fact, but I am not. I knew when my boy was six years old that he was a producer. He likes to work. It is just a matter of him finding what kind of work suits him best.

While I was cooking his favorite foods the other day, he stopped and talked to me as he often does when I cook. He told me he was trying to find a job and that he had began to look at business colleges. I have often asked him what he wanted to do for a profession and he would say, "I want to go into business." When I would pressure him to tell me what kind of business, he could not answer.

When he got in high school, he maintain the explanation of business until he reached the 11th grade and made up his mind he wanted to go into retail. I hooked him up with a friend who owns a clothing store and he shadowed him for a few days. He came home convinced he wanted to own his own clothing store.

My Sonny is an artist and I suggested he come up with an original design and make some T-Shirts to start his venture. He has been reluctant to take that advice for whatever reason. I let him know the other day that I did not take him seriously about wanting to go into business until he told me he was looking into business colleges. I also let him know that I had complete faith in his ability to do and be whatever he chooses.

Then, I told him, "Sonny, I never think about you doing anything wrong. I never see you as the bad guy. Someone who would steal, or lie, or hurt someone. I want to be completely surprised if someone came to me and told me you did something wrong. I ain't crazy, I know you do things that are wrong, but you know what I'm talking about. When the police come to the door, I want to be so much in shock that I just fall out when they tell me what you did."

He laughed. I need him to know I have faith in him and I trust him. My Sonny was raised to think. I taught him that his mind was his best weapon and that it could change within an instant, thus changing his life. I have told him from the day I touched him that he has the power to change. I have also led him to believe their is nobody better or more deserving to have a good life than he, especially if he is willing to work for it, which he is, so my Sonny is great.

The Day After Christmas

My husband left a beautiful message on my machine while I was at work Friday night. He talked about hoping I came home in a good mood so we could celebrate Christmas with the family we have here. It is only he, my son and myself at the house.

He went on to say how he was thinking about me, how much he loved me, and that he could not wait until I returned home. It warmed my heart. But, when I home, I noticed his throw up pan on the floor. He was sick. He stayed in bed when he was throwing up, or having the use the bathroom.

I cooked the Turkey, ate some Tuna, then got in bed and watched an episode of Martin. He returned from the bathroom and I caught of glimpse of his face. It was darker than I had ever seen it. His face is swollen and his eyes are puffy. As he was leaving the message, I could hear through the recording he was struggling to breathe. His refusal to go to the hospital is true testimony to the fact he is lives in a world of denial. Kidney failure is real. Especially for a severe diabetic such as he.

What am I doing? I ask him on a regular basis to go to the hospital. I try and make him as comfortable as I can, I pray for him, I continue to love him, and leave him to his own journey. I am truly walking with him. If this is how he wants our forever to end, so be it. I have done my time. He will always be the man of my dreams and the creator of my nightmares. I love him all the more for it.

This day after Christmas is glorious. I got real rest and sleep. I didn't overeat at all. As a matter of fact, I cooked turkey, corn, greens, and Rotini with five cheeses, but I did not eat any of it. I made some Croissants with bits of turkey and shavings of white cheddar cheese. I ate three for dinner and that was it. I refuse to overeat on another holiday as long as I live. I have truly made a lifestyle change.

I didn't spend much time with anyone but me on Christmas day. Part of the reason is I left my cell phone at work. Silly me, but I wouldn't have done too much talking anyway because I am indulging in spiritual renewal. I limit my verbal communication during these times. So much of the time people are talking loud and saying nothing.

My husband was saying something when he left his message. He said it loud and clear. I am still the one he wants to spend the holidays with and he loves me. I got my husband's love for Christmas.

I Do

I do think highly of myself. Yes, I really do. I know what I have had to overcome and is still overcoming everyday. I also know folk who haven't experienced I 1/3 of what I have and have killed themselves. I am beyond a survivor, I have learned how to live.

I have wanted to be a writer since I was 10 years old. I remember telling my classmates my plans back in the fourth grade. Of course they all told me I wouldn't be going anywhere and most definitely would not be famous. When I went to high school, I found I was multi-talented. A triple threat and some if I may say so myself. I sing, dance, act, write, perform stand-up, cook, publish. I have lived the life I knew I would. Even in high school, I didn't view having money as being successful. I knew I would be successful if I got the chance to live they way I always dreamed of and that is being at peace in every situation.

I knew back then that doing what I loved was all that really mattered. I knew of people who were miserable on their jobs, but felt trapped, or were uneducated, or really just had no desire to go beyond what felt comfortable at the time. My ambitious spirit never lets me rest and I do feel it has been a great asset, but I have also recognized how it could take me down, if I let it.

I do feel good about the fact I learned that maintaining a balanced life is the best way to get the best out of life. I actually fill great about the fact I learned this in my thirties and was able to practice it to the point I could see the benefits in my life. I do feel some pride over tackling the devil within and showing her up to be the liar she is. There was something deeply self-destructive inside of me. I purged her and yes, I do feel good about that.

Learning more about me has helped to save my marriage. I found I didn't care about a lot of things I once thought I did, so therefore there was no need to argue or have discord over stuff that doesn't matter. Of course this made me much easier to get along and live with. All these little things added up and now I can say without a doubt, I do have myself together.

As You Can Read...

If you have been following my blog, I am sure you have picked up the reality that in many ways I am struggling in this marriage. I happen to believe that the struggles, though they may not be as what others experience, are what are necessary for the each of us to gain the knowledge needed to be the best people we can be.

People want to believe that love should be easy, when in fact it is one of the hardest emotions to navigate. Because of its purity, love has no master. It is in itself the end and be all when it comes to humans. Without love, nothing survives for long. Yet, love is so hard to come by and even harder to find within ourselves.

I struggled for years with self-hate and loathing and now that I know love, I laugh at the old me. How silly I was not to recognize how marvelous I am no matter what size, how much money I have, or who I am married to. I am the shit just because and that is enough. Yet, for years I hated myself mainly because of being overweight. It wasn't me and because I didn't understand the importance of moderation I overate. I also used food to soothe me and keep me company and to celebrate. Food was my God.

When I became more of a spiritual person and less of a religious person, I was able to balance my reality and thus my life and body has followed suit. I am free to love because I know what it is to love me. As Frankie Beverly put it so well, "I got myself to remind me of love."

As you can read, I am pretty darn sure of myself. I know how to love.

This Everyday Feeling

I am a true creature of habit. Routine does not bother me at the least. I find myself laughing at myself when I think about how little my life and life patterns vary, yet there is so much peace that comes with the way I live my life; that I laugh at myself again for ever thinking myself silly for loving routine.

Part of the reason I married the man I did was because of his spontaneity. Unfortunately, I learned as we developed a relationship that what I viewed early on was not simply a person able to be spontaneous, but an impulsive man/child who couldn't make a decision if his life depended on it. He just did whatever came to his mind.

After I figured out what was really going on, I began to monitor what I did and did not want to participate in, when and how. He quickly labeled me as a stick in the mud. I even quicker didn't give a damn. I began to view him as a impulsive individual who had no true direction, so I made sure to keep my everyday feeling throughout the relationship. When I felt it threatened, he usually wanted to move out, or I was throwing him out. I would not let him alter my everyday feeling.

Looking back I marvel at how smart I was. I am proud of my unwilling to allow my best interest to be messed with. Over the years he has told me how strong I am and how much he admired my ability to maintain my integrity. Folk like him do not understand the importance of personal integrity. They are too busy trying to get over to care about how their blatant self-serving behavior affects others. I have never been the one to let folk get to close, not even as a child. I always reserved some of me, for me.

As a wife, I know it is very important to have the ability to maintain your sense of self and do what is in your best interest. My being able to maintain a level of autonomy and still raise my husband and kids is my greatest accomplishment. Although there are those who would label me an enabler, I will say I am to the extent I do not try to stop people from being who they are and I love them anyway. But what I won't do is take abuse. I have been misused, but I draw the line at blatant abuse. I know I am being abused when I lose my everyday feeling.

I am a firm believer that no one can ever truly make you unhappy, keep you from being happy, or cause you to be happy. Happiness to me is my everyday feeling. When I lose it, I don't immediately blame it on others. I look and discover what I am doing first, then I check the folk around me. Then I make a move back towards the middle so I can feel that everyday feeling.

Even Though

Even though my marriage has been somewhat of a farce, I wouldn't trade it for the single life if I was offered a million dollars. I read some of the post of single folk on Facebook and I remember how lonely, and sometimes even desperate I was. I remember going to the club and watching guys I knew I could kick it with, eye candy, only to be done with her two weeks later when he's back at the club looking again.

I'd watch women choose men just because they were determined not to go home alone that night. I can remember seeing couples and wanting to be a couple. I remember thinking about how much I wanted to be in a relationship and all the things I would do if I had a man.

Getting married allowed me to do all the things I wanted and more. It took away the angst and the longing and the desire to be active in a loving relationship. It also satisfied my need to be adored. Initially, my husband was infatuated with me. It was glorious in the beginning. It set the tone for what we have today. His dreamy eyedness has been removed, but he still adores me and you can't buy that.

Even though it has been a rough, rough ride, I still feel that marriage is the best answer for those who are single and find themselves longing and desiring a mate. There is nothing wrong with this as a rule, but longing and desiring can cause you to make poor choices, especially if you are only thinking about your immediate needs. So often we don't think about the other person in a real since when we are looking for a mate. Our thoughts are based on this abstract person. When we meet flesh and blood we try to project our made-up image onto them and this is where the problem begins.

I have always been a live and let live type of person. I have never wanted to dominate or be dominated. Even though my husband and I are complete opposites in most areas, we are the same when it comes to this, so even though much of what he does, I would not do, I can allow him to be who he is, therefore he can live and learn from his own mistakes without me trying to dictate how his life experience should play out.

We stay together because we both know we have hit the jackpot in relations to finding someone who knows how to unconditionally love. Even though I better at the love part than he, he has the no conditions down pack. He lets me be me and I do the same for him.

Unevenly Yoked

It was never a doubt in my mind my husband and I were unevenly yoked on many levels. It never truly made any difference to me as a whole, but sometimes during the day-to-day living it can really be a drag.

I am more everything than he: stable, educated, financially fit, capable of growing and expanding. He has always let this reality play heavily on his psyche. He has spent so much energy trying to bring me down to his level. Whenever we argue it is like arguing with PeeWee Herman, "I know I am, but what are you." His use of projection is so tired until it is laughable. It is his only defense, his only response. The only way he can make himself feel better is to make himself believe because I love him, I am like him.

Other people feel that way too. But we all know opposites attract and I cannot be more opposite than he. His revelation about being "grown" has only served to widen the gap that already existed between us. I find myself less tolerant than I was when I really didn't know what his problem truly was. Now that I know it is pure immaturity, I have zero tolerance, so we have begun to banter more because I refuse to allow him to think his childish behavior is being ignored.

It is a huge turn off, to say the least. His unbalanced way of dealing with everything is tiring and trying. The fact he is very ill only magnifies his raunchy personality and everyone is catching hell. He told me that I treat people like they don't know anything. That I am always trying to be in control. All the childish expressions he has held to since we met, he is still struggling with the reality that he is looking at me through the eyes of a child.

If he gets the chance to grow and change, I pray he will get to see me as the strong, capable, willing woman that I am. I refuse to let him make me pay for loving him. It is not my fault he cannot accept I see way more in him than he could possibly imagine. Instead of appreciating it, he hates me for it. This too is a personal problem. He has to deal with his petty jealousy and misplaced anger. I know I am doing the right thing in accordance with the plans God has for my life.

I only wish him well and I want to be here for him. I only want to love him. I don't want to be his mother, or controller. He can't see that because he is afraid to grow up.

Healthier Than Ever

My son said, "Mom, you are the smallest I've seen you in my entire life. It really says something that you are steadily losing weight. You are taking care of your health."

I feel good that my children feel open enough to share their observations with me. My son after watching his father struggle to walk back to the bedroom, made the above statement to me. For years I stayed in the 270 range, sometimes ballooning up to 282. Over the past few years I have become more aware of what my triggers are and I have learned to live a moderate life when it comes to food and it shows. I plan to rid myself of these last 50 pounds before my 50th birthday in 2012.

Now that I have my eating habits under control I can focus solely on exercise which is the key to removing the pounds quicker, while toning and trimming the body.
My son's observation has made me more determined to watch what I put in my mouth and why. I know I will be successful at getting rid of these last unwanted and unhealthy pounds. I look forward to being healthier than ever

Harder and Harder

Everyday it gets harder and harder to watch my husband suffer from the pain associated with his kidneys and other ailments. He has severe adema and refuses to go to the doctor. He is coughing a lot which is a sign he is having problems breathing. He can't sleep at night and walks all night in discomfort.

I sit and silently cry and mourn the loss I see coming right before my eyes. It is getting harder and harder to witness his slow decline, but I am doing it. It is all a part of "in sickness and in health."

I don't hestitate to help him in anyway I can, but nothing is ever good enough. The chronic vomitting and pain is taking its toll on him and he flares up often. Everyone in the house is trying very hard to be understanding but like I said, it is getting harder and harder.

31 Years Ago

31 years ago on the 15th of December, 1979 at 10:21 p.m. I gave birth to my oldest daughter. 31 years later a marvel at how she turned out and feel blessed to have helped bring her into the world. I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful daughter.

She tells me I am her best friend. It was never my intention. I have always let her know I was not the type of parent to befriend my children. Yet, she claims I am the best friend she has. I accept it. We do get along very well and I trust her completely. She has been a great big sister to her siblings and is always willing and ready to help them in any way.

Now that she is 31, I look at her with brand new eyes, she is a grown woman for sure. I look forward to the next 31 years.

Needy Friend

I'ma a needy friend. I need a lot of help. I am blessed to have people in my life who are willing to do so. I have very few friends so I try hard not to become a burden. I spent a lot of my life not asking for help. I would ask anyone for anything. I'd go out of my way to do it myself. That was a horrible way to live.

When my daughter was younger, I walked her over 15 blocks to school ran or shine. The next year I found had I asked, there was a bus that came one block from our home that would have taken her to school. That woke me up. I began to recognize how silly I was to hold to the belief that I had to do everything for myself.

Learning to ask for help and letting others help me has truly been enlightening and freeing. I am grateful for my friends and wish them well in all the years ahead.

Grounded

When E-Harmony advertised that it was allowing anyone to take their free compatibility surveys, I decided to do it. It took at least 30 minutes and really did ask some deep questions. When it was over and I submitted my answers, my score came back stating I was a "balanced" person, who seemed to be grounded and capable of being in a relationship with just about anyone.

I do believe part of the reason for my grounded personality has to do with my being a Capricorn. Capricorn is an earth sign. I have always felt a deep connection with nature and has held a belief that being a natural as possible is the only way to live.

Being married has grounded me even more. Staying with the same person wasn't as hard as others seem to find it. I really think a lot of people have trouble relating to themselves and this is why they have such a hard time with others. I have consistently worked on my personality because I have always believed I could get along with just about anybody. There are personalities out there that I wouldn't even attempt to understand, but for the most part, I feel people are people.

I use meditation to help me stay grounded, prayer to make a connect with God, and patience to walk this journey with the confidence needed to build the type of life I can be proud of. I am glad that money is not my true desire, as much as it is to help others achieve their goals and dreams in anyway I can. I am a worker bee. I like to produce. I like results.

As grounded as I am, I am also very creative and am able to think not only out of the box, but sometimes I don't recognize there was a box. I like being different because I am different and my uniqueness is what makes what I bring to any situation better.

I am proud to have my head on right. I am very happy to be me. I can only wish the same for others.

Even I Know

Even I know that what I believe may not be real. I know that our beliefs are based on the feelings and knowledge we have accumulated throughout our lives. Some of it valid, some not. Some based on the truth, some not. I know that just because I believe something it doesn't make it so.



Unfortunately, when it comes to religion, people tend to believe others should believe what they do. Especially when it comes to Christianity. When certain Christians meet those who say they believe the tenets that Christians aspire to are great, but they are not impressed by the religion, they immediately start talking about the person not believing in God. Jesus is not God. In the Christian religion he may be to some, but to those who believe something else, Jesus is not God.



Many Christians act as if they have a patent on God, when in fact God belongs to us all. Just because you believe you have to go through Jesus to get to God, doesn't mean everyone else does and it does not mean they are going to hell because they don't believe what you do.



As a black person, I find it hard to subscribe to a religion that was used to oppress my ancestors. They used the religion to make them believe they were supposed to be slaves. Then they used the Bible to keep them oppressed up to this day. People are afraid to think for themselves. They are afraid to go with what they feel. They allow themselves to be swayed and manipulated.

Religion, politics, love, these passions do not make for good conversation because people's emotions are involved. Even I know you have to let go and let God.

My Last Days

I have made the decision to quit my current position before the end of 2011. I am now ready to move into to latter stages of my professional career as a writer. It is my goal to write full-time. I have lost respect for the establishment I work for and I just don't see me working for anyone else. This job has been so fulfilling and powerful. I really feel as though I have done what I was supposed to do. I wasn't ready to go last year, but now, I have had it.

I think I may try my hand as a True Crime writer. I have always been interested in True Crime and I believe I would do well. It is most definitely a point of interest for the American people. I am also working on my book B. F. I.-Black Female Intellectual. It will be a series of volumes of my writings from as early as 1973. I have been amazed by how enlightened I was at such an early age. I was born to write.

My life experiences have been so rich and plentiful and I am truly blessed to have the mind and medium to express them. Even though I have had writer's block most of the year, I am glad to have had the urge to resurface at the right time. I am clear that the next step I should make should be writing full-time.

Stand by Your Man

"I ain't some Tammy Wynette standing by my man," these were words spoken by Hillary Clinton when it came out about Bill having a 12 year affair with Jennifer Flowers. What many people missed was the truth of that statement. Hillary was not just "standing by her man," she was in full support of him and he her. Theirs was a greater dream than any of us could ever know. They had vowed in college to change the world and she wasn't giving up her position as wife, especially not after getting him to the White House.

She supported his efforts because she knew he could be president. He knew she could too, so he did the same. So many couple lose sight of what really matters and this is why marriage is getting such a bad rap. Everybody is looking for someone to take care of them, instead of coming from a place of generosity and love, we come with our hands held out and high expectations.

We are so afraid to suffer, to do without, to make do with what we have. Our desires keep us hustling for all the wrong reasons and the wrong things. There was a woman who posted on Facebook that she knew a man who was looking for a wife. He said the wife would have to be willing to allow him to pursue his dream of owning his own business. He also has children from a previous marriage who has to pay child support for. The woman was protesting stating she didn't feel his future wife should be saddled with his child support while he pursues his dream.

In the natural, it may sound right that she is unwilling to help support him and his obligations while he is transitioning from making someone else to rich, to trying to accumulate his own fortune, but I submit it is not right. Money should not be an issue in a marriage. Yes, there are very real concerns, bills to pay, etc. but there will always be these factors, but what is rare is having the loving support of someone who wants only the best for you. It is rare to have a person want you to succeed to the point where they will make sacrifices of time and money.

Until we understand that marriage is about saying, "Hey, I am in agreement with you and your dreams, goals, and aspirations. I want the best for you and I want to help bring the best out of you. I am here to support your efforts." This needs to be said before you immediately start telling the spouse what you are not going to do. The spouse needs to know that you heard them, and not what is going through your head. (Who is going to pay the bills? etc.)

My husband has allowed me to have the life I dreamed of. I own my company, I act, I perform, I volunteer, I give to charity, etc. Yes, he has had to support some of my efforts whether by staying with the kids, not doing something he wanted, or monetarily. He has never tried to consciously hold me back and the times he did, I understood where he was coming from. His ambition level is not as great as mine, and that can sometimes wear on a man, yet through it all, he has remained my number one cheerleader and will follow me to the end of the earth, because we got it like that.

By the same token, I have sacrificed a lot to let him be the man he thought he was and wanted to be. As he has turned 50, a lot has changed, but he is most grateful that he stayed with me. I asked him what was the greatest thing about spending time with me. He said, "I can be myself around you." I have successfully made him feel secure enough to be himself, share his fears, hopes and dreams, and to love me.

Stand by your man!

These Last Four Years

The death of Elizabeth Edwards has hit me hard. Mainly because my husband is seriously ill and I don't think he'll make it the entire four years before my daughter goes to college. Everyday I can see him becoming more and more concerned and worried. We went out Friday night and before we could get home, he was calling. As we approached the house, we could see he had turned to porch light on. When we entered the house, he literally came running to each of us with outstretched arms stating how happy he was the two most important women in his life made it home.

The illness is humbling him. Just a few years ago his ego would not have allowed him to display his anxious feelings. He would make a joke, or totally ignore us before he'd let on he was worried. Now, he is showing his concern on so many levels that I'm amazed.

I pray he will be able to get a hold of his health enough to live to see his youngest daughter graduate from high school. I know not being alive to see her children turn teenagers weighed heavily on Elizabeth Edwards. She knew she wouldn't be here for them.

I've stepped up my involvement in my daughters education outside of school. I enrolled her in a workshop called Undoing Racism. It was a 20 hour training that took up her entire weekend. At first she was a little upset, and actually tried to be late. I looked out the door and she was slowly walking home. I put some fire under her and we went. I hadn't had any sleep and actually slept while she participated in the group. She came to me and thanked me for sending her. She had a great time.

I have always believed that parents are their children's greatest assets and I will forever do all I can to make sure my children are well-read and informed. I want them to receive the best education possible and I believe the way children achieve that is when they are encouraged to educate themselves. These last four years are going be fun. I hope and pray we all stay healthy enough to live and enjoy them.

Rubbing Me the Wrong Way

The one thing I have always had going for me was that even though I was very overweight, I always stayed active. In my teens, early twenties and all the way up to age 43, I danced everyday. I mean really dance. The dancing helped me stay in shape and I also added deliberate exercise at least nine months out of the years. I got hurt on the job in 2008 and had to readjust my exercise regime because my knees are involved.

I have since been diagnoses with arthritis. It has zapped a lot of my energy. The bone on bone is rubbing me the wrong way. I now monitor all activity. I make sure I know how far I have to walk when I go places, so I won't be in too much pain to enjoy the activity once I get there. Yes, arthritis is rubbing me the wrong way.

I have gotten all the opinions I need and now it is time to step my game up again and begin an exercise routine suited for my situation. There are sitting exercises I do and I use hand weights. I am pretty muscular which is a good thing because my cloths just keep looking better and better on me. I have lost 10 pounds since May. It is not a lot, but it is not gaining and that says a lot. Dropping my calorie intake lower and heightening my exercise routine is the answer.

Even though I find it very hard to stand, once I get up and going I'm usually okay, but once I sit again, I'm in a world of pain. I really limit my activity because I don't want to have to lay down several times a day just to be able to function. Sometimes is is unavoidable, especially when the climate changes. My bones just rub me the wrong way. There is swelling and pain and discomfort, but I will not give up. I am getting it together.

My Lifestyle and Food

I can say with utter confidence that I have conquered my desire to overeat and to eat things that are not good for my body. I have managed moderation and my waistline shows it. I have taken over six years to get here. I had to change my mind. Nothing else works for me. Once I changed the way I viewed food and its importance in my life, I have been able to consistently lose or maintain my weight for six years. I am in awe of me.

I decided I would no longer cook big holiday meals in my home. In 2009, I gained 10 pounds during between November and December eating stuffing. I ate it for days after Thanksgiving and Christmas with gravy and cranberry sauce. I could justify to gorging because I had so much food, of course I could not let it go to waste. This year I did not cook and I was all the better for it and so was my family. No one complained.

We had fish, shrimp and fries for dinner and no leftovers. The day after I felt victorious. I sincerely recognized how strength it took not to continue the tradition of gluttony during the last few months of the year.

I will be 49 in January. Now I can successfully step up my weight because I am secure in the fact I making the right food choices and eating them within moderation. I need to lose 70 pounds and I plan to lose at least 50 next year. I will take time and get rid of the last twenty, but I need to give myself a 50 pound weight loss for my 50th birthday in 2010. I will do it.

I have simply cut back on my food intake, I eat high fat foods in moderation, and I try to stay active.(see next blog)

What is it?

What is it that has these women killing their babies? What is really going on? Is it truly the Meth epidemic that has plagued the nation? Or is it something so much more simpler? More and more women are taking the act of being selfish to its limits? I believe it is the latter.

Women have abused drugs forever, but what hasn't been so evasive is the blatant disregard for their offspring. Even in the wild mothers protect their kids lives with a tenacity that literally amazes me, yet we free thinking folk cannot seem to get it right. It seems as though every few months there is a story in the headlines about some woman allowing someone to abuse her children, or even kill them, or she has done it herself.

The black woman who killed her two boys just tore my heart out. You could see the sickness in the family when they appeared on Oprah. The woman's mother, father and sister, who she lived with was on the show. Oprah asked if they had talked to the mother of the dead boys and asked her why she did what she did. They told her they did not. They wanted her to tell them. The sister felt bad because she had failed relationships and was unable to provide a home for her children. Her sister admitted that she had belittled her sister child rearing, but stopped when it required her to take some responsibility for her sisters crack up. Families like these could not survive without their secrets, but it never fails that someone cracks and the whole flimsy foundation comes tumbling down.

Now, right now, there is a woman dead and her daughter had been kidnapped by the murderer who was also the live-in boyfriend. The mother probably was lonely and felt it okay to bring the man into the house because he seemed to be interested in her. Like so many, she was fooled, unlike others, she paid for being foolish with her life and now her 12 year-old is left behind to fight for her life. He has bought camping equipment so he most definitely has plans to bed her, if not kill her.

Also in the news right now, a young mother confesses to killing her eight month old son. She was supposed to give him to a family. We can only wonder what happened to change her mind. What snapped and caused her to take this poor child's life? What is it? What is taking our mothers away from their babies. I know this microwave world we are living in is causing some to seek immediate gratification in various ways, but it seems as though a higher level of selfishness is rearing its head. The women who are doing these awful things are becoming more and more mainstream. They can't have the man they want cause they have kids? They choose to get rid of the kids. Wow!

I am baffled beyond belief. Somebody please tell me what it is that is causing this new shift in consciousness.

Oprah

When Oprah declared that Steadman was her lover, partner, etc., she could not and did not look Barbara Walters in the eye. I do not doubt that he is a constant companion, but I do not believe they are passionate about each other. I did not believe Oprah when she made her statement. I never have thought much of Steadman, for various reasons.

In the beginning, he was all Oprah talked about. Being in the Chicago area when she first started, there was a lot of talk about Steadman Graham. All the eligible women wanted him and he seemed to choose Oprah. I know what Steadman did was give Oprah the male influence she needed to be able to reach the heights she has. He came into her life and stopped her bed hopping and desire to chase men who did not want her. She had that bad and his coming into her life stopped all that immediately. His good looks wowed her as she did not have the self-esteem to believe a man like him would choose her.

He has publicly stated he would not be forced into marrying Oprah by the public. That was an easy stance to take considering he knew he wasn't going to marry her all the time. His presence in her life has been stabilizing and that is what she needed, but I do not believe they are "in love."

She is lying.

Ode to Elizabeth Edwards

People love to hear of a wedding and even love hearing about the juicy details of a marriage on the rocks. In the last few years of her life, Elizabeth Edwards had to face to loss of the affection of her husband of 30+ years. He allowed himself to become involved with another woman.

Since his first attempt to get into the White House, I have followed Edward's career. I must admit I've looked at them and thought them to be in a passionless phase of their marriage. I know all to well how the tempo changes in long term relations. As a matter of fact, that is one of the things that s most beneficial about them. Things can change in an instant.

When she got pregnant with her last children, my mind immediately told me she had problems letting go. I did not know at the time she had lost her 18 year old son. I did believe she was trying to keep her husband. She looked a lot older than he. Life seemed to have taken its toll on her. Her revelation that she had not had a mammogram for years was proof that she was thinking more of others than ourselves. She payed the ultimate price for her self-negligence and so did her young children who she has left behind to be raised by her husband and possibly some other woman.

As women, we need to be more mindful of who we are and what we are doing with what God has given us. For many of, the dream of being a wife and mother has been a huge of our development. We get in those positions and some of us literally forget we have a life. We do all we can for others and won't even take the time to check on ourselves once a year. This is so amazing to me.

Yeah, I did hate myself for a long time. During that period, I still went to the doctor. I still did what I needed to do for myself. I gave my body the honor it deserved. I have not gotten sleep for days and have overextended myself for others, but I have never neglected myself When it comes to truly paying attention to my health. I make sure I stay on top of me because I want to live.

When I was younger and stupid, I thought just not being alive would solve my problems. I often wished to "just die." I began the habit of taking an aspirin everyday thinking it would kill me. I laugh every time I see a commercial that talks about the healing properties of aspirin. By the time I got into my 30's my perspective on life changed dramatically and I was ready to live. I had chosen a man to marry who was the opposite of me in every way, so our journey together was rough, unpredictable, and sometime abusive on both our parts.

We began to even out because I began to get more in tune with myself and defining who I was and what I was and was not willing to live with. The more I focused on my personal development the better my life got around me, or should I say I had less time to dwell on others and what they were and were not doing.

It is just my opinion, but I saw Elizabeth Edwards as a very smart and intelligent woman who really thought she could and would have it all. At some points in her life I am sure she felt like she did, but as it has been revealed, something was amiss and I do believe it was her lack of self-care and awareness that ultimately was her demise, as it is for us all on some level. We are the creators of our life and lifestyle. We set the standards for acceptable care and comfort. We are the ones who have the final say. In the end, I know she saw it clearly. Her book reveals a lot of clarity.

Her relationship with her husband is not that different from most women who marry men with political aspirations. There is so much that goes along with the territory that you have to be numb to some of it. You have to know that there are forces, of the female persuasion just waiting to make their mark on your husband. I know she has had to face the possibility of him being unfaithful before. As far as we know, this is the only time a child has been involved.

Then there are the interviews that the woman has given stating that he has told her he loves her and that they'll be together. None of this helped Elizabeth as she fought the good fight to stay alive for the children she bore so late in life.

I wrote this to encourage women who may be going through some of the same things she went through, the loss of a child, a failing marriage, lack of self-care. I want to encourage you to look at loss as an opportunity for gain, not to re do, or do-over. When people leave us, we must not lean on our own understanding, we must allow nature to continue to take its course.

I made sure I watched Elizabeth whenever she was interviewed and there seemed to be twinges of regret in her phrases. I could tell she knew her choices could have and may should have been different, especially when it came to taking care of her health. Her lack of consideration for herself surely contributed to her leaving before she was ready.

I can say with confidence I have no regrets. I have done my duty. I have raised children who are kind and considerate, hardworking and generous. I am proud of them, but at the same time I have worked on myself with each of them, letting them go so they can become the people the were meant to be. I am looking forward to whatever time I have left with my husband. If he should die before me, I am looking forward to whatever is next.

Go to the doctor.

Shut Up

Wow! I really thought I had learned my lesson. I have, but I guess the shock of seeing my severely diabetic husband cutting his own toenails, just drove me back to my old ways. I couldn't help but mentioning the fact he should not be cutting his nails because that is what led to the removal of the other two toes. He became agitated and stated, "You are not going to do it."
I replied, "You're right. No I will not take the chance and cut the toenails of a diabetic as severe as you are. You should let the doctor do it." He questioned why I cared and I had to also.

When will I understand that other people may not have the same understanding I do? I know this to be true when it comes to him, but the fact that I really love him and care for him just won't let me shut up. I have to say something. I have to do whatever I feel necessary to try to help him stay in reality. He is fighting it hard. His desire to ignore the signs his body is showing is frightening. I cannot turn a blind eye, especially when I know how much his life represents a miracle.

He does not fully accept what God has done for him so he can easily dismiss the little good health he does has. He knows the life he has led should not warrant the blessings he has received, but who I am to tell God how to do his job? All I can do is be glad and let go and let God and shut up.

Me

Sometimes I do feel like I think about myself too much. I can remember a time when I always thought of someone else first. I gave too much power to the outside world. I am proud of the new me. I feel great about the effort I have put into my life. I will be 49 in a month. I am looking forward to it. I know I have better days ahead of me. I am so excited about the possibilities, and then again, I look forward to choosing to do nothing.

Being There

My children are well spaced. This last child is going to make sure she gets her time and I don't blame her. I am a dutiful mother so I make sure she receives quality time. I play games with her and I am actively involved in her daily life. She knows my intentions are to help her go to college. I have stepped up my involvement in her life and she is loving it. Little does she know I am grooming her for adulthood. I am helping her embrace herself and become the woman she is meant to be.

Jacked Up Priorities

I am not a fan of any sport except boxing. This whole thing with LeBron James is ridiculous and a waste of time. He has the right to work for whomever he wants, but obviously the fans of Cleveland feel otherwise and it seems to be big plans to disrupt his game tonight when he returns to Cleveland for the first time since he left the team.

People are people and they have the right to live their own lives. We don't own folk. He has made his choice, but even a Bishop has been on CNN talking about the sermon he preached on Sunday to try to get people not to overreact when LeBron returns home tonight. From the interviews I saw on CNN, it looks like he did the right thing. Folk are really ready to boo him and try to make his stay on the court miserable.

One man said he wanted to tell James, "You are not who I thought you were." Guess what? Neither is your wife, or anyone you know for that matter. We never really know people and we do not have the right to expect anything from them, especially if they do not want to give it.

Leave LeBron alone. Let the man go on with his life. Sports are not the end of the world. You have other things in your life that could benefit from the passion you put behind being angry over the fact the man wants to be in Miami and not in Cleveland. Folk need to recognize how jacked up their priorities. Anyone of the angry mob would be even more angry if someone tried to keep them from exercising their right to work and play where they want.

Do Our Best

The new thing now is to choose to believe that certain people were doing the best they could at the time they did whatever they did to hurt another. You know what I mean. I was abused during my childhood both physically and psychologically. I am completely against hitting children after the age of five. I believe after that age there are more efficient ways to dealing with children that will not totally rob them of their self-esteems as beatings do.

Whenever I mentioned the abuse, or hear people who have been abused talk about it and have something to say against it, people inevitably try to get me to see how my parents, etc. were only doing what they knew to do at the time. My mother even tried to make light of beatings by saying "That's what we did back then." Not everyone beat their children. Some where more enlightened, or simply went on the principle of treating others the way you want to be treated.

People rarely give their best to anything anymore. Most are living such a mediocre existence until it is frightening. We have become a country of excuse makers, but I will not accept that the best you knew to do to a three year old is beat it because they had an accident or wasted something.

It makes us feel good to let folk off the hook, but it does nothing for the person being left off the hook. Nine times out of ten, they think they are right and the hardcore will deny any wrong doing even after they affects of their abuse is obvious. Abusive people know better and will rarely do better unless they are stopped.

The next time sometime tells you they "did their best," tell them to show proof they have learned from their mistakes and are doing better. I think you will find they have not changed and will use any excuse to be who they are no matter who they hurt.