Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Stand UP

I am standing up for myself. There is no self-pity in my body. I am a winner and will continue to win as long as I remain confident that I am truly a deserving child of God.

There are always forces coming at you, trying to keep you down. Don't let them. Stand up!


As I have grown older, I have determined it is tenderness I desire. I want someone to be kind to me, loving in manner and gentle. My battle wounds are many and it is time for me to be pampered and rewarded for a life well lived.

I have ran from nothing. I continuously stand up and take responsibility for the choices I make. I need some tenderness in my life. I lived a long time with harness and cruelty. It is time for some loving to start.

It is my desire to be as tender and loving as I possibly can and I am looking for it from others.

Give and Take, Take and Give

God appreciates us most when we learn the ebb and flow of give and take. Leaning too much towards either side is a sign of wanting to be in control of that other than ourselves. We must allow others to show us love. Being the giver is great, but not to be able to receive means your giving is in vain.

What is the point of spreading love if you cannot accept it when it comes back to you? This is the way God ensures we get what we deserve in this life. Being a gracious giver is important. It is also just as important to be able to receive from others.

I was one of those people who didn't know how to take a compliment. I didn't want anyone doing anything for me. Wouldn't let folk help me and got angry sometimes when people tried. It took a true revelation of the fact I was being taken for granted that showed me I was not allowing others to do for me.

I began to replay all the times I could have asked for help and didn't. I could have easily been turning away folk God sent especially for me. Just the thought makes me quiver. If you're willing to give it, you've got to be open to taking it, especially if it is love.

The Same Only Different

"Love, the magician, knows this little trick whereby two people walk in different directions yet always remain side by side." Hugh Prather

I wish my husband could have gotten this quote. He was one of those people who demanded we have "things in common." Yes, having things in common is great and sometimes can make relationships easier, but not always.

I liked the fact we didn't talk a lot. I liked we had separate lives, but could come together and get things done when needed. He couldn't handle it. He believed in what TV and movies have told him about love and relationships.

He was heavily into romantic gestures and had expectations of me that were based on fallacies. I could never live up to the image he had projected upon me. Sure enough, the moment he perceived me to be "leaving him," he snapped.

In marriage, we are the same, only different. Our sames derives from the agreements we reach. The difference is who we naturally are, who God meant for us to be. Having someone accept you for who you are is most wonderfully rare. I had 80% acceptance in my marriage. Yes, he gave me up for the 20%. Some people never value much in their lives. He is one of them.

Love Connection

"Each individual we encounter appears to hold a lost piece of us. It joins with us the instant it is recognized. But only love can see it." Hugh Prather

My husband and I recognized the lost piece of ourselves in the other. I accepted mine, he rejected his. He has fought being committed to our marriage from the beginning, but he has always felt we were soul mates. He made this assertion from the moment he met me.

It took me a while to recognize the full extent of the spiritual connection because I was over identifying with him. I spent a lot of time making excuses for him and trying hard to understand how and why I loved someone so different from myself.

Love saw deep into each of our wounds and we were drawn to the desire to heal the other. I must admit I have never really felt like he ever was intentionally trying to hold me down. The impact of his self-destructive ways have been the deterrent to us having a better life financially and emotionally. He is searching for something he has no idea of how to get. He wants a life he is unwilling to work for. Without effort, saying you someone is not enough.

Holding Pattern

Over the past seven years people have been removed from my life. This year my husband and oldest daughter have moved on. I am grateful to God I have been able to practice detachment and I am sincerely open to them not being in my life.

I've been in a holding pattern for a few years now. I've allowed myself to be open to possibilities and I've moved beyond so much of what was keeping me from being the person I know I was meant to be. I am happy with myself and my life.

I've been open to ta higher calling. I stayed in my marriage believing if I was the person I wanted a person to be to me, that my husband would have to change, or he would not. He did not so, we are not.

I'm coming out of the holding pattern. I'm being freed and so are those around me. Life is good and we all have the opportunity to enjoy it to the fullest. My family is in full transition and I embrace it. I am holding on no more.

Glad I Am Me

Because of the lack of authenticity amongst the masses, it is often a true surprise to find a person who is truly devoted. I am one of those people. When I give my devotion, that person, thing, job, etc., has it forever.

My husband needed me and I yielded to a higher calling and did what was right and righteous. I did what I vowed to do and took care of him. He was somewhat better, but still the asshole he is known to be.

Day after day, I sat and listened to him complain and misunderstand. I watched him struggle to remember things told to him only minutes before. I sat and watched as he vomited and struggled to turn in the bed, after his third procedure.

There was a great and comforting distance between us. I am on the other side. There is no bitterness, or even hurt feelings. I accept he will not be the man i need him to be, to be able to be the woman I am meant to be.

He was told his father has Dementia and pre-Alzheimer's Disease. his mother was returned to the hospital while he was in ICU. He also found out his brother is back in prison. All these things weighed heavily on him. i did my best to be a comfort to him.

I am glad I am me. I am glad I know my role in this life. I am to bring comfort to those who ask me for it. He is suffering. He has lost his family and is giving away his life to the nothingness he seeks out in life. I am so glad I am me.

Doing It

I have lost 4 pounds in the last two weeks. Before that I had only lost 3 pounds in three weeks. I was upset about that and told myself I would lose at least 2 pounds a week and I did. I am amazed at how much I have gotten myself under control when it comes to food.

I no longer have the crazy cravings and I can actually monitor my food intake without being anxious or feeling depraved. I am so excited about being under 250 pounds. I've been struggling trying to get under that for a while and it is here. I am completely amazed at myself.

I am doing what I said I would do for myself, by myself without any special diets, or even exercise. That is the real kicker. I'm doing it! I'm taking care of me!

Pretty Wings

This has been a year of transition for more than just my husband and I. My oldest daughter is moving to Houston, TX. This is going to be very hard on me because she is my sole support. No one helps me more than she does.

Yet in still, I want her to go. She is 31 and needs to begin her life. She is leaving a boyfriend behind, who will soon be an ex-boyfriend. Other than that, she has no reason to stay, or come back. I told her not to come back. I encouraged her to seek a life there.

She is going to help my sister who has had twins at age 40. She will be 41 in a few days. My daughter took care of both my children when they were first born. She is a caring and loving young woman who will treat those children with the best of care.

It is time for her to spread her wings. Her future is bright and unlimited. God's speed!

Chronically Ill-15

My husband is experiencing blackout spells. He called to tell me. I listened. At this point, there is nothing I can do to comfort him. I ended the conversation by telling him to take care of himself. My son has been staying with him and helping him out, according to him. I hope this is a good thing.

My son didn't have much to do with him when he was home. He didn't help at all, as a matter of fact. Since the separation, he has been extremely caring towards his dad. I am glad for them both. They needed to reconcile and if it took us parting for it to happen, I am glad we are apart.

I do have sympathy for him. He just started going down three years ago and has not stopped. He looks old and frail. His skin is almost black. He really looks bad.

I spent the week with him when he was in ICU. They were scaring him and I knew he needed me, so I was there. I was so glad when that stay was over. I had not recognized the stress while I was enmeshed in it, but having been away from it for almost two months, I noticed the difference in how I feel immediately after I ceased having contact with him daily.

I wish him well.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Short Break

Our separation may be over sooner than later. He is having some severe problems and I don't see how he can survive living alone. I mentioned it to him and he said he would deal with it when the time comes. Which means he'll do whatever is forced on him.

I don't want things to go back how they were. I want him to stay where he is, but I can clearly see he will need help. Lots of it. He doesn't want to come back either. He won't admit it, but I know.

I hope the break isn't really over.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Something New-2

I am free. I have what I need and I am so glad I know it. I no longer need certain things in my life to feel a certain way. I've evened out. I am so glad to have learned many of life's lessons the hard way. I have not had to repeat them.

The longing I used to have when my husband and I were apart is gone. I no longer hang on and hope for. I pray and let God. My husband is happier than he wants to admit. I saw his place and I can tell he is glad to have it.

I, on the other hand, is ready to do something new.


Although we are separated, neither one of us believe in divorce and it has not come up in conversation except to let the other know we do not want one. Even though, I am not looking forward to us living together anytime soon, I still have a deep desire to be there for him and to support him during this every rough time.

His negativity really bothers me and although I recognized it before, now I can barely stand to listen to it for one minute. He can tell and stops whining when I do not respond. What can I say? He is experiencing a lot of trauma in his life, but it didn't have to be this bad. Yes, he was going to have diabetes no matter what, but he could have controlled it over 20 years ago.

There's no way I could leave him completely alone. He doesn't have anyone in this town but his family. Since he's been gone, our son has been helping his dad, but over the past weekend he was unable to, so I had to do it because he had a heart attack and was unable to help himself.

All we have is what we believe in. I believe in being loyal, honest and true. I told him until death do us part and I mean it, whether we sleep in the same bed or not.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

God's Will Be Done

The solution! It is clear to me it is God's will my husband and I live in separate spaces. There are many reason this is necessary. My son actually spent the night with his father in his new place. When he came home I asked him, "So, how was the sleepover?"

He had to laugh and so do I. We chuckled for a while and then he said, "He's lonely. Yeah, Ma, I'm trying to change and grow while I'm in my 20's. I have to at least try."

I agreed with him and as we continued to talk about the time he spent with his dad, I felt a tug on my heart. It felt warm and complete. I still got what I wanted most and that was for my husband to have a relationship with his children. I said to my son, "He shoulda been a "babies daddy."

"Shoulda, woulda, coulda, it is too late now." My son said with assurance and we began to mock my stupid statement and laugh. I told my boy how proud I am of him to that he is stepping up and taking care of his dad. He is taking him to surgery today and will pick him up. I am so blessed. I am extremely happy. Whether we are together or not, we are a family. My marriage is traditional is the best sense because it is been driven by God's will.

If I had my way, he would be home with me, but that is not how it can be. God has work to do on him and He can't with me around. My husband doesn't believe enough on a spiritual level, yet. God is working on him. God's will is being done.

God's Will

Sometimes we don't know when something is God's will. When something happens, I no longer question "why," instead I immediately begin to search for God's will. I ask myself, "how can this be used to glorify God?"

The great thing about marriage is it gives us the opportunity to glorify God in so many ways. Marriage is difficult, even when it is good. Tough marriages need prayer and patience. It is foolish to think we know all we need to know to make it through our relationship. We need to constantly seek God's will because it is our nature to try to get what "we" want, whether it is in the best interest of our partner and marriage.

When I began to pray for God's will to be done in my marriage, the marriage became like a third person to me. I could see how marriages could survive in the midst of horrible circumstances. The marriage gives us binds us together while we work on ourselves to become more pleasing to God. Marriage can mask a multitude of sins, for a long time. If the one of the partners is a prayer and can hold on faithfully, things can turn around.

Even though my husband and I are experiencing a severe rough patch, my faith in God tells me, if we want it, we can smooth it out again. The question is now, do we want it?

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The Answers

I am so glad I don't have the answers. I just know what I believe and hope the decisions I feel are right for me, are right. Knowing the answers often does not make the difference in whether you'll do the right thing or not.

For some, knowing the answers only leads to think they should try to tell others how to live their lives. Many have the answers for his neighbor, while his life hangs in the balance. I have a lot of opinions. I read alot, study, research. But I still know I don't know it all.

The one thing I do know is that I don't know. I just want to live.

Monday, August 15, 2011

I Need A Break

I made it clear, I need a break. I need him to be away from me. It may take 6 months, or maybe six years, I don't know. I don't feel safe with him. I don't feel respected, appreciated, adored. I feel misused, misunderstood, and mistreated. I need a break.

I believe marriage is strong enough to handle separation. Sometimes people need to be by themselves to grow, if it is ever going to happen. I hope this is the case with my husband, if not, at least he will already be gone.

I'm taking a break. Giving myself a "Hall Pass" from marriage. I'm done!

Can We Just Get Along?

He said he contacted me because he wants us to be "cordial." I can do that, especially since we still have a teenager to rear. There is no need for animosity. I am free of the daily torture I was experiencing and I am thankful for the break. He looks like death, but there is nothing I can do about that, for he has made the choices that has led to this unfortunate situation.

He needs his family, but he doesn't know it because he's stuck on stupid, thinking he is in control. Now he has responsibilities he never had, things to remember someone else would normally take care of, and loss of affection and companionship. He has to live this way to know there were better days.

Yes, I will get along with you, but I will not allow you to drag me into your unbelievable darkness. We all have our path. He is a person foremost and he has to make his own way. Maybe not having me will make the path clearer.

No Explanation

There is no true explanation for why a person chooses to ruin their lives. There is a certain amount of relief they feel that is evident by the way the recover. In my husband's case, he is recovering very well. He has landed on his feet, which I always knew he would. He wanted to play the victim role with me and I wasn't having it. Somebody has to be the man.

He cannot explain his actions, nor has he really tried to. All he can say is "we shouldn't be going through this." Yet in still, we are. We are because of him and his inability to love. He told me he didn't have anything against me. I told him I think he does and his actions show it.

Until he figures it out, anyway the wind blows is cool with me.


It has only been a month and half since everything jumped off. I haven't struggled at all with my decision. I have been enjoying my time apart. It is what was needed. He needs to be alone. It is more than obvious he has calmed down, he trying to get next to me.

I am not considering reconcilation. It is not what I want at this time. Maybe in a few years, if then. I need to see real change. I'm not looking for flowery words, or gifts, or calls, or sweet whispers.

I want someone who respects my worth. Not someone who just wants to use me for what they can get. Or try to live off my accomplishments and good deeds. I want a man who knows he is meant to act like one, not forever stay a little boy constantly searching for his next mommy.

No, reconciliation is not possible at this time, nor anytime in the future. I'm free and enjoying every minute of it. I saw this day. The when I fully accept I need a long break from my husband. I need not to have to take care of him. I need him to take care of him and me. It is my time to be taken care of and he can't do it. He doesn't want to do it. He only wants to get. He has no idea he could get some much more, if only he would give.

He is still only thinking of himself. He's uncomfortable trying to meet someone else and thinks I should care. Maybe he really does need to see what is really available to him. I know I do.

Love Is Not Enough

Love is not enough, even though it is all we need; being human requires use to want so much more. That is why we can love someone and not respect them, or we can respect them and not love them. Rarely does love and respect go hand and hand, especially in a marriage because you know so much about the other person. Yes, things you cannot respect.

My marriage is in shambles. Lack of trust and respect has damaged it and it very well may be beyond repair. Neither one of us want a divorce, we've long been passed the desire to go through that procedure, but we both know we need to be separated.

I know and feel deep in my heart I'll never love the way I have loved my husband. First of all, I doubt I'd ever meet someone as hard to love as he. I know God wouldn't do that to me twice in a lifetime. Now that I have learned to love him, it's liking him that he just won't let me do. I don't think I ever really could like him because he is not the kind of person I like.

He's selfish, self-centered, uneducated, and content with mediocrity. He isn't willing to push himself beyond his comfort zone and he's way too comfortable with things I'm not even willing to entertain. Still, I love him dearly. That's the power of the spirit of love. It can take us over and make it impossible to think of anyone else.

Love is never enough. I knew this at a young age and now that I'll be 50 years old soon, I have found that even though I believe in love, I want someone who respects me. Someone who I can trust. At this point in my life, I'd much rather have those qualities than to be "in love." Love clouds the true issues, and to a certain extent I think that is great, but it often taken too far, for too long and all you end up being is bitter and lonely because you went with a feeling instead of dealing with reality. We all need to be cared for properly.

My love has been used against me time and time again. I've been taken advantage of because they knew I loved them and have a peacemaking heart ready to forgive and start again. Not this time, they'll have to get in line because I'm coming out in full force looking for the respect I deserve, because love is never enough.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

I'm Just Me

I've always been an easy going type person. I don't trip on much and I like to allow others to be themselves. I find most people who really take the time to know me are pleasantly surprised to find I am not stuck up, mean, judgemental, or unapproachable as they have heard, or assumed by the way I carry myself.

I am the no nonsense type. I don't play games, or choose a lie over the truth. I pride myself on beings as honest as I possibly can be. Sometimes the honesty is too much for folk because they are not used to people being straightforward. They are more concerned with being liked than being respected or treated well. When they meet someone like me, who is going to treat them like they are worthy, they tend to think something is wrong with me.

It's just me, to let you be you. My ability to do this is what kept my husband with me all these years. He hadn't and still hasn't met anyone who allows him to be himself as I do. Now, he'll have to learn to be himself with whomever he's with.

It's just me to recognize the God in others and to know it is not up to me to determine what is best for them, I am only mandated to love them. God will do the rest.

Yes, It Is Over

One of the biggest differences between the way I feel about being separated from my husband this time and all the others, is my heart is not heavy. I have not felt a tugging at my heart to see him, or talk to him. Of course I have thought of him, but not with the idea of being with him again.

My husband is in spiritual warfare. Only God can help him. Understanding and accepting this has freed me beyond measure. I completely accept God no longer needs me in my husband's life. He is ready to take him on alone and I am the better for it.

As I have said before, I would have never let go of the relationship. I would have been there for him as long as he allowed me to. His hate for me has completely taken over his mind. I don't think he knows how much he hates me. Maybe he does and he has been waiting for me to figure it out. I got it now.

Yes, it is over between us and I am so thankful I got out before my 50th birthday. I will go into the next phase of my life completely free of his bullshit. I'll be able to do what I need to do for me and me alone. Yes, it is over and thank God I'm good.

The Space I'm In

I'm in a space I really haven't experienced before. I haven't found the words to explain it except to say I know who I am.

I am in control of my mind. As the thoughts come up, I filter them immediately. I am no longer trapped by my feelings and waning moods. I have become able to talk myself out of most bad feelings. This is very surprising to me. I grew up highly sensitive. I experienced high levels of negativity and often perceived most people's responses to me as negative.

Now, I am just the opposite. I rarely, if at all think about what others think about me. If someone does say something negative, I truly feel they have the right to their opinion and do not give it more attention than that. This space I'm in is so perfect in so many ways. The most important is I am aware of the fact that I am aware.

I love the space I'm in.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

No Shame

I miss having a husband to love and care for and I am not ashamed to say it. Even though I have no desire to have the husband I had, back, I do miss having someone to love. There is no replacement for it.

I do all I can to be positive, but I have caught myself getting weepy and feeling as though I am not getting my needs met. My husband met some of my needs, no matter how small. Now, there is nothing and no one.

I know time heals all wounds and that it truly is just a matter of time, yet I still feel as though I've gone without for long enough. I want someone who is truly for me.

I am not afraid, or ashamed to love.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Always Got Something to Say

"When you were with him, people had something to say. Now that you're not, they still have something to say," said my daughter after I told her there are those who feel I should not have let Jerome go.

People are going to always have something to say no matter what. I know I am doing the right thing and that is all that matters. I am doing my best to live within God's will. I know God meant for my suffering to end when it came to my marriage.

I know I am not to continue to be mistreated because my husband is not mature enough to accept the lifestyle he was offered. The one he claimed he wanted. He wanted it when it benefited him. If he had to give, he wasn't interested.

People can say what they want. I'm living this life.

Glory Be To God

Ultimately, my desire was to keep my family together, but it did not turn out the way I wanted it. Today, I found out my son will be taking my husband to the hospital to have surgery and that he is going to help him get to wherever he lives.

I was so happy and proud. I am still getting what I wanted, whether my family is together or not. I wanted my husband and son to rebuild their relationship and it looks like the separation is what was needed to make that happen.

God knows what is on my heart and because of that I am continuously blessed. He is getting the glory still and that is what is most important.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Such Clarity

When I was going through the trials and tribulations over the last 26 years, I fought against believing it was meant for me to be in the circumstances I found myself in. It has only been within the last seven years that I have fully accepted God's will for my life. By doing so I was freed from the misguided beliefs and ignorance that kept me bound to the devil for so many years.

When you become enlightened, you can no longer act like, live like, or pretend like, you don't know better. As I really began to live within God's will, I recognized my resistance to many things waned. I became more willing to allow others to be who they are. I began to accept my limited role in the lives of others, and take more stock in the role I needed to play in my own life.

Now, today? I awake with such clarity. I feel as though I could do anything, but at the same time is content to do noting at all. I've always been pretty even, but now I feel a true sense of moderation. I have no desire to over do anything. I just want to be the best person I can and remain as clear in mind, as I am today.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Why I Feel So Good About Myself

The reason I feel so good about myself is I was actually obedient to God and He held me up throughout a situation that could have taken me down mentally, physically, and spiritually. Instead, in the end, I feel victorious, even though my relationship with my husband did not survive.

God touched me and guided me towards forgiveness when I was on a path towards self-destruction. I was hate-filled, angry and disappointed. I desperately did not want to be a bitter person so I continuously prayed for God's intervention. Not believing in divorce, I had filed and it was torture because I knew God had more for me to do. My worldly thoughts kept me wanting to give up, but God's will was more appealing in the end.

I began a quest to live a life pleasing to God and I knew I had to put forth effort to reconcile and redeem myself with myself husband. Although he noticed the changes I had made, he was so evil he couldn't appreciate the full value of them. He still responded with old behaviors, even though I no longer did.

I feel good about myself because even with those around me thinking I was crazy and telling me what they wouldn't put up with, or asking me why I hadn't left my husband, I held fast to the belief that God had a purpose for it all, and all I had to do was pay attention and allow His will to unfold. I was able to do and now that it is all over, I am free and even happier than I ever thought I'd be.

I won't lie, I miss my husband. I miss taking care of him, loving him, and just having him around. Still, I know how things are, are how they are meant to be and I am content.

I feel good about myself because I am the woman I knew I would be.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Running Away

There are people who have been married a long time who are feeling things are not the same. I would challenge them to examine their reasons for wanting to identify with what is wrong in the relationship.

Throughout our relationship my husband would run away from conflict, whether he caused it or not. There was a time when I would run after him. The scene in the movie Baby Boy, where she follows him outside and down the stairs actually occurred in my relationship. We we enclosed and were the only one's present. I was yelling at him, trying to get him not to leave. I became angry and abusive. As he bolted down the stairs he said, "this is so childish."

It struck a cord and I didn't chase him again. To this day, he has never viewed his running away, in all its many forms, as childish. Once again he has successfully sabotaged a good thing.

We must have be vigilant when it comes to our marriages. We keep wanting to give up instead of standing up to ourselves and our mates. We often participant in childish behavior, but expect our spouses to grow up. We must continue to look at ourselves. Of this I am completely convinced. For me, the proof is in the pudding. I am completely satisfied to be just as I am.

I let him run away. It is in my nature to immediately forgive and I offered him forgiveness, but he refused it. He held fast to his mean-spirited mental breakdown. Once I got past the initial shock of it all, I was ready to party and plan to often.

People who run away from situations they have helped to create are cowards and false prophets. They proclaim to want to be, but cannot produce. They run away when they get tired of giving. Giving should be its own reward. Keep on running!

I'm Ready

Today is the day I give up all the little bits of food that are keeping me 50 pounds heavier than I need to be. I went to the doctor on Friday and she told me I was presently eating 1840 calories a day. I was ecstatic. It was my goal to get down to 2000 a day. Now that I have surpassed that goal with barely trying, I am ready to rid myself of 400 more calories a day, so that I may shed 50 pounds.

I had decided to try to get to 2000 a year ago. I don't know when I reached, and surpassed the goal, but I do know I look and feel better than I have in a long time. I no longer dread monitoring myself. As a matter of fact, because I do; I have more confidence in myself because I am not letting myself down. I am actually living the life I want.

Moderation is the key and I'm ready to take it to the next level. It is important that I reach this goal. One reason is I'll be 50 years old and I don't want to be over 200 pounds at fifty. I want this age to mark a true new beginning for me.

I was initially going to go an all liquid diet, but when I found out I was down to 1840 calories a day, I realized I can lose the weight without taking drastic measures. I am excited about the journey. It won't be hard because the stuff I'm eating, I don't need. Little treats and extra bites. Once they are gone, so will the extra weight.

Moderation is the key and I'm ready to live a moderate life from now on.