Wednesday afternoon I received a call from my estranged husband that has been exactly what I needed to have full closure.
I took all of 2012 and allowed myself to purge myself of the attachment feelings that were plaguing me. My heart was really invested and it took that long to smolder the fire that had burned for so long.
Well, he called me and said, "I miss you Wanda. I miss having you in my life, especially now."
I couldn't believe he was actually owning up to his role in the demise of our relationship. It only took almost two years. When we initially broke up, he actually had the nerve to call me and try to force me to say it was my fault. I said nothing and he eventually hung up. Yesterday was completely different. He said, "I will say I was 80% responsible for what happened in our marriage and I don't blame you for not wanting to be with me. You were the only person who really loved me and although I don't regret much in my life because I made the choice, I do regret not doing right by you."
I said nothing. There was nothing to say. He made a point to tell me he loved me and told him I loved him too, and I do, but I never want to live with him again.
He also admitted that he just wanted immediate gratification. He wanted to do what he wanted to do and I let him. Hindsight is 20/20, but now it is too late. I do not want to look back. I am sure he would probably be a better husband, now, but I cannot take the chance. There is too much at stake. I have done what I should have done and God has blessed me immensely. I refuse to second guess when I know for sure, we cannot be together.
I appreciate the call and I do believe he thinks he loves me or at least should love me, but I know he really cannot until he learns to love himself.
Showing posts with label reconciliation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reconciliation. Show all posts
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
What I Am Trying to Do
It is my hope by connecting the dots from past to present we are able to see how the plantation mentality is flourishing still today in our everyday lives.
Within the relationship between black men and women there is a divide neither are aware of consciously. The black woman, because she has been given more entry into society tends not to have the level of compassion for her brother needed to sustain a loving relationship. Her inability to recognize the needs our her black man has continued to cause a spiraling down of the black family.
Phrases like, "I can do bad all by myself."
"I don't want to be a woman who needs a man."
"No money! No honey."
These phrases keep us apart and wreck havoc on the best of relationships. We all need each other. Let's get that straight right off the back. This notion that a woman should not need a man is as ridiculous as a man stating all he needs from a woman is sex. We need each other for love, compassion, empathy and to have someone on our side.
Instead, we see time and time again woman holding brothers to the standards of the white man who has done all he can to make sure black men never reach them.
Quote:
"The biological affirmation of masculinity and identity as master is enough to insure that, whatever his individual limitations, this society will not systematically erect obstructions to his achievement." Cobbs and Grier/ Black Rage
Even when it comes down to being a felon, a white man who gets out and decides to change his life will find support, even from strangers. Yet, the black man cannot get help from the woman who claims to love him.
It is our lack of emotional intelligence and awareness as to how the forces of slavery still play a huge roll in how we operate with our men today that causes us to suffer so much.
We think because we can, they can and this is not true.
Quote:
"Whereas the white man regards his manhood as an ordained right, the black man is engaged in a never ending battle for its possession." Cobbs and Grier/Black Rage
Until we understand fully that the American black man has been taught for hundreds of years not to assert himself, that he cannot protect his family, we will not be able to reconcile our differences.Our level of compassion has to be tremendous, but it is worth it for the love of a black.
A black man needs to come to a home where he is appreciated and needed for more than what he can buy. If we are honest with ourselves, having more resources doesn't always work for white folk. There are kids are just as messed up or more and many of them come from two parent homes. The difference is and always comes down to who can pay for treatment? We all need. Black folk just can't pay for it.
So, what do we do instead? We need to cultivate a collective self-love. We must identify our humanity and accept our worthiness. This is only been hard to do because we have bought into the belief that we are less than and therefore unworthy. This is not the case, nor is it true. If we allow ourselves times to review our historical progression, or lack their of; I do believe we will discover the core of our issues and be able to overcome them.
WE must start by believing we can make the changes necessary to see our way clear of these horrible chains that continue to bind us and keep us from receiving and giving the love we deserve.
Within the relationship between black men and women there is a divide neither are aware of consciously. The black woman, because she has been given more entry into society tends not to have the level of compassion for her brother needed to sustain a loving relationship. Her inability to recognize the needs our her black man has continued to cause a spiraling down of the black family.
Phrases like, "I can do bad all by myself."
"I don't want to be a woman who needs a man."
"No money! No honey."
These phrases keep us apart and wreck havoc on the best of relationships. We all need each other. Let's get that straight right off the back. This notion that a woman should not need a man is as ridiculous as a man stating all he needs from a woman is sex. We need each other for love, compassion, empathy and to have someone on our side.
Instead, we see time and time again woman holding brothers to the standards of the white man who has done all he can to make sure black men never reach them.
Quote:
"The biological affirmation of masculinity and identity as master is enough to insure that, whatever his individual limitations, this society will not systematically erect obstructions to his achievement." Cobbs and Grier/ Black Rage
Even when it comes down to being a felon, a white man who gets out and decides to change his life will find support, even from strangers. Yet, the black man cannot get help from the woman who claims to love him.
It is our lack of emotional intelligence and awareness as to how the forces of slavery still play a huge roll in how we operate with our men today that causes us to suffer so much.
We think because we can, they can and this is not true.
Quote:
"Whereas the white man regards his manhood as an ordained right, the black man is engaged in a never ending battle for its possession." Cobbs and Grier/Black Rage
Until we understand fully that the American black man has been taught for hundreds of years not to assert himself, that he cannot protect his family, we will not be able to reconcile our differences.Our level of compassion has to be tremendous, but it is worth it for the love of a black.
A black man needs to come to a home where he is appreciated and needed for more than what he can buy. If we are honest with ourselves, having more resources doesn't always work for white folk. There are kids are just as messed up or more and many of them come from two parent homes. The difference is and always comes down to who can pay for treatment? We all need. Black folk just can't pay for it.
So, what do we do instead? We need to cultivate a collective self-love. We must identify our humanity and accept our worthiness. This is only been hard to do because we have bought into the belief that we are less than and therefore unworthy. This is not the case, nor is it true. If we allow ourselves times to review our historical progression, or lack their of; I do believe we will discover the core of our issues and be able to overcome them.
WE must start by believing we can make the changes necessary to see our way clear of these horrible chains that continue to bind us and keep us from receiving and giving the love we deserve.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Trusting the Process
After I finished book one, I felt such a relief. I knew God had put the book on my heart, but book two was a surprise. Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage Abigail and Na'bal Purpose Revealed, came out of the revelation that God had work for me to do.
Although we can be sure that God is always working for our good and the good of others, even through trials and suffering, we will not always know exactly what that good is. In many cases his ultimate purposes will not be evident for a long time. Ken Sande, The Peacemaker
At the beginning of the book, I reveal that I learned my husband was still involved with the other woman. Even though I had made up mind to forgive him, it was hard to take, but God kept on me. He kept me focused on the big picture. It wasn't long before the purpose was revealed. My husband had three strokes, then a series of other procedures, heart attacks, surgeries, etc. Now, three years later, I look at him and thank God for the miracle he is.
He is the second person in the United States to have a stint placed in his basal artery above his brain stem. Everyday he doesn't have a stroke is a miracle. His health has deteriorated to the point that all I can think of is how to make him comfortable. Yes, the same man who cheated on me, didn't take his adult responsibilities seriously until a few months ago, (after 25 yrs.). Yes, the same man who has been distant and cold and mean-spirited.
God took the love I have for him and made it into a new thing. By no means is it easy, but it is worth it. My eyes don't cry no more.
Although we can be sure that God is always working for our good and the good of others, even through trials and suffering, we will not always know exactly what that good is. In many cases his ultimate purposes will not be evident for a long time. Ken Sande, The Peacemaker
At the beginning of the book, I reveal that I learned my husband was still involved with the other woman. Even though I had made up mind to forgive him, it was hard to take, but God kept on me. He kept me focused on the big picture. It wasn't long before the purpose was revealed. My husband had three strokes, then a series of other procedures, heart attacks, surgeries, etc. Now, three years later, I look at him and thank God for the miracle he is.
He is the second person in the United States to have a stint placed in his basal artery above his brain stem. Everyday he doesn't have a stroke is a miracle. His health has deteriorated to the point that all I can think of is how to make him comfortable. Yes, the same man who cheated on me, didn't take his adult responsibilities seriously until a few months ago, (after 25 yrs.). Yes, the same man who has been distant and cold and mean-spirited.
God took the love I have for him and made it into a new thing. By no means is it easy, but it is worth it. My eyes don't cry no more.
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