A person who does not know how to love and cannot accept love that is given to them is most often driven to self-destruction, because they respond to no other's needs, but their own. There is never a true way to know how far a person will go with this behavior. It is frustrating to know that so many display it within the union of marriage.
The nature of self is designed for preservation. When our basic needs are not met at the appropriate age and time, there is a great possibility we may become anti-social, a sociopath, or psychotic; it just truly deepens on what lies at the base of the soul. Once again, we must examine the nature of intention.
Are you for real, for real? Are or you a carbon copy of the model you saw in a book,? Or a brother you saw on a bike? Are you allowing others to re-dictate your destiny that has already been laid out for you? What is going on at that base of your soul?
I tell you what. We all need to do some deep fishing of our souls and see what we need to catch that is swimming around at that base of us poisoning our ability to honestly share who we are authentically, in a positive way.
My estranged husband has been a wonderful blessing to my life in an absolutely horrible way. I thank my greatest support, The Creator of ALL, for giving me strength, the knowledge, the PATIENCE, the sense of humor, the willingness and capability to ride the rough rail.
When I tell you it was horrible at times, I mean still to this day, but I am free of the bongdage of my mind. Free from the belief that I somehow was obligated to "make him see him."
Oh, dear friend, I paid my dues and now, today? I get to be the woman God intended me to be because I did not abandoned the duty. I stayed on post, still on post, but from the bird's eye view. I get to watch over the empire of love I have built here in my little house. I get to see my son develop into a man of personal integrity and character. My daughter has come to recognize the "truth about dad."
I have not to say a word. Just remain for real, for real.
Showing posts with label understanding. Show all posts
Showing posts with label understanding. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Friday, January 4, 2013
She Read the Books
I received a message on Facebook from a woman who relocated her from LA. She said she found two of my books in the lobby of Hotel Louisville and wanted to talk to me. I called her and the first question she asked was, "Do you believe in God?"
I was taken aback and replied, "Of course I do. Why would I go against God for something a man did? I believe even more so now. I survived."
On paper my marriage reads like a horror story and in many ways it was. Yet, there were just as many tender, kind and fun moments. That is one of the reason I stayed so long. It really did even out in a lot of ways. In reality, my marriage was not that different than many marriages today. People feel because the marriage is supposed to be based on two people loving each that everything should be fine. What they fail to realize is love is never enough.
Marriage requires agreement and we all know, especially in many black homes, there is not much agreeing going on; not even agreeing to disagree. I find men a lot more willing to be agreeable than women. Most men, in my experience do not like to argue and fight. Sure there are a lot of exceptions to the rule, but I would take the liberty of stating that I believe men are more reasonable when it comes to relationships.
Women, whether black or white tend to want to be right about everything just because they are women. Yes, I will say that about 75% of the time we are right, but rubbing it in and insisting on it only makes you look ugly and unable to be humble when it is required.
The woman who read my books thought I would have turned my back on God because my marriage failed. What she didn't understand, obviously, is that I was living in God's will. There were a lot of things I needed to learn during my marriage and it was important that I did. Throughout the years it got harder and harder, but I was intrigued. I wanted to see what forever looked like for us.
People who give up on God are serving man. I know who is my keeper, my help. I prayed everyday for guidance, understanding and peace. She read the books, but missed the message. She was too busy wondering why I stayed and "put up with him." Anybody whose been married knows the putting up with goes both ways.
It is my desire to educate and inform through my books. Sometimes readers want the ending they desire. Sometimes you have to accept that it is what it is.
I was taken aback and replied, "Of course I do. Why would I go against God for something a man did? I believe even more so now. I survived."
On paper my marriage reads like a horror story and in many ways it was. Yet, there were just as many tender, kind and fun moments. That is one of the reason I stayed so long. It really did even out in a lot of ways. In reality, my marriage was not that different than many marriages today. People feel because the marriage is supposed to be based on two people loving each that everything should be fine. What they fail to realize is love is never enough.
Marriage requires agreement and we all know, especially in many black homes, there is not much agreeing going on; not even agreeing to disagree. I find men a lot more willing to be agreeable than women. Most men, in my experience do not like to argue and fight. Sure there are a lot of exceptions to the rule, but I would take the liberty of stating that I believe men are more reasonable when it comes to relationships.
Women, whether black or white tend to want to be right about everything just because they are women. Yes, I will say that about 75% of the time we are right, but rubbing it in and insisting on it only makes you look ugly and unable to be humble when it is required.
The woman who read my books thought I would have turned my back on God because my marriage failed. What she didn't understand, obviously, is that I was living in God's will. There were a lot of things I needed to learn during my marriage and it was important that I did. Throughout the years it got harder and harder, but I was intrigued. I wanted to see what forever looked like for us.
People who give up on God are serving man. I know who is my keeper, my help. I prayed everyday for guidance, understanding and peace. She read the books, but missed the message. She was too busy wondering why I stayed and "put up with him." Anybody whose been married knows the putting up with goes both ways.
It is my desire to educate and inform through my books. Sometimes readers want the ending they desire. Sometimes you have to accept that it is what it is.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
What I Am Trying to Do
It is my hope by connecting the dots from past to present we are able to see how the plantation mentality is flourishing still today in our everyday lives.
Within the relationship between black men and women there is a divide neither are aware of consciously. The black woman, because she has been given more entry into society tends not to have the level of compassion for her brother needed to sustain a loving relationship. Her inability to recognize the needs our her black man has continued to cause a spiraling down of the black family.
Phrases like, "I can do bad all by myself."
"I don't want to be a woman who needs a man."
"No money! No honey."
These phrases keep us apart and wreck havoc on the best of relationships. We all need each other. Let's get that straight right off the back. This notion that a woman should not need a man is as ridiculous as a man stating all he needs from a woman is sex. We need each other for love, compassion, empathy and to have someone on our side.
Instead, we see time and time again woman holding brothers to the standards of the white man who has done all he can to make sure black men never reach them.
Quote:
"The biological affirmation of masculinity and identity as master is enough to insure that, whatever his individual limitations, this society will not systematically erect obstructions to his achievement." Cobbs and Grier/ Black Rage
Even when it comes down to being a felon, a white man who gets out and decides to change his life will find support, even from strangers. Yet, the black man cannot get help from the woman who claims to love him.
It is our lack of emotional intelligence and awareness as to how the forces of slavery still play a huge roll in how we operate with our men today that causes us to suffer so much.
We think because we can, they can and this is not true.
Quote:
"Whereas the white man regards his manhood as an ordained right, the black man is engaged in a never ending battle for its possession." Cobbs and Grier/Black Rage
Until we understand fully that the American black man has been taught for hundreds of years not to assert himself, that he cannot protect his family, we will not be able to reconcile our differences.Our level of compassion has to be tremendous, but it is worth it for the love of a black.
A black man needs to come to a home where he is appreciated and needed for more than what he can buy. If we are honest with ourselves, having more resources doesn't always work for white folk. There are kids are just as messed up or more and many of them come from two parent homes. The difference is and always comes down to who can pay for treatment? We all need. Black folk just can't pay for it.
So, what do we do instead? We need to cultivate a collective self-love. We must identify our humanity and accept our worthiness. This is only been hard to do because we have bought into the belief that we are less than and therefore unworthy. This is not the case, nor is it true. If we allow ourselves times to review our historical progression, or lack their of; I do believe we will discover the core of our issues and be able to overcome them.
WE must start by believing we can make the changes necessary to see our way clear of these horrible chains that continue to bind us and keep us from receiving and giving the love we deserve.
Within the relationship between black men and women there is a divide neither are aware of consciously. The black woman, because she has been given more entry into society tends not to have the level of compassion for her brother needed to sustain a loving relationship. Her inability to recognize the needs our her black man has continued to cause a spiraling down of the black family.
Phrases like, "I can do bad all by myself."
"I don't want to be a woman who needs a man."
"No money! No honey."
These phrases keep us apart and wreck havoc on the best of relationships. We all need each other. Let's get that straight right off the back. This notion that a woman should not need a man is as ridiculous as a man stating all he needs from a woman is sex. We need each other for love, compassion, empathy and to have someone on our side.
Instead, we see time and time again woman holding brothers to the standards of the white man who has done all he can to make sure black men never reach them.
Quote:
"The biological affirmation of masculinity and identity as master is enough to insure that, whatever his individual limitations, this society will not systematically erect obstructions to his achievement." Cobbs and Grier/ Black Rage
Even when it comes down to being a felon, a white man who gets out and decides to change his life will find support, even from strangers. Yet, the black man cannot get help from the woman who claims to love him.
It is our lack of emotional intelligence and awareness as to how the forces of slavery still play a huge roll in how we operate with our men today that causes us to suffer so much.
We think because we can, they can and this is not true.
Quote:
"Whereas the white man regards his manhood as an ordained right, the black man is engaged in a never ending battle for its possession." Cobbs and Grier/Black Rage
Until we understand fully that the American black man has been taught for hundreds of years not to assert himself, that he cannot protect his family, we will not be able to reconcile our differences.Our level of compassion has to be tremendous, but it is worth it for the love of a black.
A black man needs to come to a home where he is appreciated and needed for more than what he can buy. If we are honest with ourselves, having more resources doesn't always work for white folk. There are kids are just as messed up or more and many of them come from two parent homes. The difference is and always comes down to who can pay for treatment? We all need. Black folk just can't pay for it.
So, what do we do instead? We need to cultivate a collective self-love. We must identify our humanity and accept our worthiness. This is only been hard to do because we have bought into the belief that we are less than and therefore unworthy. This is not the case, nor is it true. If we allow ourselves times to review our historical progression, or lack their of; I do believe we will discover the core of our issues and be able to overcome them.
WE must start by believing we can make the changes necessary to see our way clear of these horrible chains that continue to bind us and keep us from receiving and giving the love we deserve.
Friday, March 23, 2012
What I Realized
I was watching criminal minds and the father of a murdered girl was talking about how he had accepted that there were things that were out of his control. He said he learned this after the therapist helped him realize he had experienced guilt feelings for not being able to help his daughter.
Suddenly, I had an epiphany. I realized I had experienced some guilt feelings over my decision to not allow my husband access to me. I know what I am cutting off and at this time, when he needs me the most; yes, at times I will see the uneasiness I felt was guilt. There is a part of me that does feel bad about not taking care of him.
I get over it real quick. I gave him plenty of opportunities to step up and be the man worthy of the woman he had. He would make attempts and talk a good game, but he always reverted right back to his old behaviors.
I must be the woman I was born to be. I have said it before and I'll say it again, I may be a sucker, but I choose who does the licking.
My guilt feelings only serve to remind me I am human and how much I really wanted to keep my promise to always be there for him. 26 years was our forever. What's done is done and I'm gone baby gone.
Suddenly, I had an epiphany. I realized I had experienced some guilt feelings over my decision to not allow my husband access to me. I know what I am cutting off and at this time, when he needs me the most; yes, at times I will see the uneasiness I felt was guilt. There is a part of me that does feel bad about not taking care of him.
I get over it real quick. I gave him plenty of opportunities to step up and be the man worthy of the woman he had. He would make attempts and talk a good game, but he always reverted right back to his old behaviors.
I must be the woman I was born to be. I have said it before and I'll say it again, I may be a sucker, but I choose who does the licking.
My guilt feelings only serve to remind me I am human and how much I really wanted to keep my promise to always be there for him. 26 years was our forever. What's done is done and I'm gone baby gone.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
My Relationship With God
Back in 2003, God asked me to allow myself to remain in a humiliating marriage. It was right after my husband had done one of the most horrible things that involved my son. I was heartbroken. It wasn't long after that I became aware he was having an affair.
When I discovered the affair, my husband said, "So, I guess you are going to divorce me?" i immediately thought to myself, 'Yes,' but my mouth said no. My God voice told me to say no. God put it on my heart to stay in the marriage and make an effort to reconcile with my husband. I couldn't believe it. I was literally upset, but I could not say no because I believed with all my heart and soul it was God who was guiding my towards rejuvenating my marriage.
I have been blessed to have been aware of God as young as ten years old. I distinctly remember feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit. I recall feeling light in spirit and truly wishing others well. I have always been the "big picture" type person. I have been blessed to know that there is something greater than me.
My relationship with God has been what has kept in line most of my life. I ignored the Holy Spirit when it came to food. Even though I knew better, I'd eat too much. I was steeped in the sin of gluttony.
The significant thing that has most come out of my listening to God that day I wanted to leave my husband was I began to crave food less. More and more as I was obedient, my desire for certain foods went away. I began working with a personal trainer and the weight began to fall off. Seven years later, I have not gained any weight. As a matter of fact, my entire perception of food have changed. My eating habits have changed tremendously and my body is responding greatly.
I know, had not I had the a relationship with God, and was not obedient, I would not have received this great blessing.
When I discovered the affair, my husband said, "So, I guess you are going to divorce me?" i immediately thought to myself, 'Yes,' but my mouth said no. My God voice told me to say no. God put it on my heart to stay in the marriage and make an effort to reconcile with my husband. I couldn't believe it. I was literally upset, but I could not say no because I believed with all my heart and soul it was God who was guiding my towards rejuvenating my marriage.
I have been blessed to have been aware of God as young as ten years old. I distinctly remember feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit. I recall feeling light in spirit and truly wishing others well. I have always been the "big picture" type person. I have been blessed to know that there is something greater than me.
My relationship with God has been what has kept in line most of my life. I ignored the Holy Spirit when it came to food. Even though I knew better, I'd eat too much. I was steeped in the sin of gluttony.
The significant thing that has most come out of my listening to God that day I wanted to leave my husband was I began to crave food less. More and more as I was obedient, my desire for certain foods went away. I began working with a personal trainer and the weight began to fall off. Seven years later, I have not gained any weight. As a matter of fact, my entire perception of food have changed. My eating habits have changed tremendously and my body is responding greatly.
I know, had not I had the a relationship with God, and was not obedient, I would not have received this great blessing.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Why I Have No Regrets
My husband has had what they are calling a "seizure." He is currently out of town in a hospital. The best thing about it is he has family where he is and hopefully feels supported.
I am not going to his side. I have no regrets about his decision. I gave all I had to give and I refuse to allow myself to be abused by him in any way, at any time, for any reason. His sister said he was being, "defiant," so I know what that means, he is being mean and irrational. I have been there done that.
I no longer want to stand up to the devil. I've done it too long. The battle was never mine and now that I have completely released my husband to God's will, I feel no need to watch him die. That's just not my thing. I had to put a stop to the madness or he was going to destroy me. He could not forgive me as I had forgiven him. You can't live with a person who is unforgiving. Nothing you do is never enough.
I do not regret not going to his side. I called the chaplain and asked them to tell him I loved him and I wish him well and that I would send the kids if he wanted me to, but I am not coming. I will not allow this man to ever hurt me in any way again, ever. Plain and simple.
I am not going to his side. I have no regrets about his decision. I gave all I had to give and I refuse to allow myself to be abused by him in any way, at any time, for any reason. His sister said he was being, "defiant," so I know what that means, he is being mean and irrational. I have been there done that.
I no longer want to stand up to the devil. I've done it too long. The battle was never mine and now that I have completely released my husband to God's will, I feel no need to watch him die. That's just not my thing. I had to put a stop to the madness or he was going to destroy me. He could not forgive me as I had forgiven him. You can't live with a person who is unforgiving. Nothing you do is never enough.
I do not regret not going to his side. I called the chaplain and asked them to tell him I loved him and I wish him well and that I would send the kids if he wanted me to, but I am not coming. I will not allow this man to ever hurt me in any way again, ever. Plain and simple.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Why I Would Marry the Same Man Again
My husband taught me a lot during the time of my marriage. I know no one else could have brought the woman out of me the way he was able to. It was because of who he was that drove me to be the best I could in every endeavor.
Watching him run from his potential made me appreciate mine all the more. I was determined to show him that people can grow, change and succeed. Although it didn't matter to him, it surely helped me and I am a better person for it.
I would marry him again if I had it all to do over. Yes, even though the marriage wasn't that great, it helped me develop my greatness. Who could ask for anything more? I am grateful to have had the opportunity to be a part of his journey. Being married to him taught me a lot about human behavior and limitations.
I know God is pleased with my efforts to be the best person I could be. He sent me the man he did to make sure it would happen.
Watching him run from his potential made me appreciate mine all the more. I was determined to show him that people can grow, change and succeed. Although it didn't matter to him, it surely helped me and I am a better person for it.
I would marry him again if I had it all to do over. Yes, even though the marriage wasn't that great, it helped me develop my greatness. Who could ask for anything more? I am grateful to have had the opportunity to be a part of his journey. Being married to him taught me a lot about human behavior and limitations.
I know God is pleased with my efforts to be the best person I could be. He sent me the man he did to make sure it would happen.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Why Marryiage Doesn't Work In America
I completely believe to answer this question honestly you must look at the different predominate cultures in America. Hispanic, White folk, Black folk.
Right of the top, marriage last longer in the Hispanic communities because most of them are Catholic and Catholics, as a rule, do not consider divorce. They also go through a pretty rigorous training before they get married. This is done to introduce them to the realities of married life and to allow each of them to participate in scenarios and conversations that uplift the union, shine light on some of the snags and snafu's, that can occur during married life.
White folk, many of which consider themselves Christian or Jewish, handle marriage in many ways, but mainly understand the economical benefit of marriage. Although getting married for "love" is the rally cry, getting ahead through marriage is the primary goal.
Black folk, the majority of them Christian, often opt out of marriage for varies reasons. Ironically, many of them have to do with finances. You often hear women say, "We don't have enough money to get married," and yes, they are usually living with the man. These folk are uninformed about the financial benefit of merging, in legal marriage with the man they are already sharing everything with.
Many claim to marry for love, black, white, or otherwise in this country; yet we bare the highest rate of divorce in the world. Marriage doesn't work in America, because we do not respect the benefits of married life. Most of us go into marriage, holding on to romance. It is a lethal combination, because once life hits the marriage (children, mortgage, jobs, parents, friends), and there is no true agreement (marriage), all bets are off.
Our way of thinking keeps us from truly sharing our lives. Women, tell the truth, many of you run to your friends, before you do your spouse. You use the excuse he doesn't understand you, but in reality, you don't really want him to because you don't want to give him something to use against you. Well, dear, until we unmask ourselves within our marriages, we cannot get what we want.
Men do the same thing. But I think men's desire to hold on to an image of themselves keeps them from really committing to marriage. May it be the computer nerd, the womanizer, the work-a-holic, so many of them are chasing the wrong things.
Marriage will not work in American until we truly decide to give our partners what they need. The only way that can be done is to open up and let them in. Make your marriage work, starting today. Agree to disagree. Listen to your spouses dreams. Smile at them. Show them love. Now is the time.
Right of the top, marriage last longer in the Hispanic communities because most of them are Catholic and Catholics, as a rule, do not consider divorce. They also go through a pretty rigorous training before they get married. This is done to introduce them to the realities of married life and to allow each of them to participate in scenarios and conversations that uplift the union, shine light on some of the snags and snafu's, that can occur during married life.
White folk, many of which consider themselves Christian or Jewish, handle marriage in many ways, but mainly understand the economical benefit of marriage. Although getting married for "love" is the rally cry, getting ahead through marriage is the primary goal.
Black folk, the majority of them Christian, often opt out of marriage for varies reasons. Ironically, many of them have to do with finances. You often hear women say, "We don't have enough money to get married," and yes, they are usually living with the man. These folk are uninformed about the financial benefit of merging, in legal marriage with the man they are already sharing everything with.
Many claim to marry for love, black, white, or otherwise in this country; yet we bare the highest rate of divorce in the world. Marriage doesn't work in America, because we do not respect the benefits of married life. Most of us go into marriage, holding on to romance. It is a lethal combination, because once life hits the marriage (children, mortgage, jobs, parents, friends), and there is no true agreement (marriage), all bets are off.
Our way of thinking keeps us from truly sharing our lives. Women, tell the truth, many of you run to your friends, before you do your spouse. You use the excuse he doesn't understand you, but in reality, you don't really want him to because you don't want to give him something to use against you. Well, dear, until we unmask ourselves within our marriages, we cannot get what we want.
Men do the same thing. But I think men's desire to hold on to an image of themselves keeps them from really committing to marriage. May it be the computer nerd, the womanizer, the work-a-holic, so many of them are chasing the wrong things.
Marriage will not work in American until we truly decide to give our partners what they need. The only way that can be done is to open up and let them in. Make your marriage work, starting today. Agree to disagree. Listen to your spouses dreams. Smile at them. Show them love. Now is the time.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
I'm Not the Same Girl
One of the biggest hassles in marriage is when one spouse out matures the other. It is a tragedy in so many ways. That is what has happened in our marriage. I was always more mature than my husband. My emotional development was lacking in many areas when I met him. Being the con artist he is, he was able to pick up on my insecurities and use them to his advantage for a long time.
By the time I was in my mid-30's, I had cleared up a lot of my issues, but he was still the same. Now, at almost 50, I am no where near the same girl I used to be. I am not the one for the bullshit and games; and I will not tolerate anything less than what I want at this point in my life.
Although I still love my husband dearly, I am not the same girl. My needs are completely different and my husband cannot meet them. God has freed me from the day-to-day grind of dealing with him. On one hand I can tell he likes not having to be around me, but on the other hand, it is killing him knowing I still love him, but do not want to have anything to do with him. He would much rather I be mad and angry.
In reality, I never really was her. She was who I was until I could get to who I am. I am not the same girl.
By the time I was in my mid-30's, I had cleared up a lot of my issues, but he was still the same. Now, at almost 50, I am no where near the same girl I used to be. I am not the one for the bullshit and games; and I will not tolerate anything less than what I want at this point in my life.
Although I still love my husband dearly, I am not the same girl. My needs are completely different and my husband cannot meet them. God has freed me from the day-to-day grind of dealing with him. On one hand I can tell he likes not having to be around me, but on the other hand, it is killing him knowing I still love him, but do not want to have anything to do with him. He would much rather I be mad and angry.
In reality, I never really was her. She was who I was until I could get to who I am. I am not the same girl.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
The Best Compliment
I had the pleasure of talking with a man I new when I was 22 years old. He was from another country and seemed to really like me. We saw each other for a few months, then he left and went to the army. I was devastated when he left because I had, for the first time, felt as though I truly loved and cared about him.
When he left for the army, my heart was broken. I felt as though I have lost a tremendous opportunity to love someone who would change my life. I tracked him down and began writing him letters. He wrote me letter back and I have reread them time and time again throughout the years.
It was through his son, his namesake, that I found him on Facebook. He accepted my request to be his friend and we began corresponding. The first time I talked to him I recognized he may not have been the right choice for me as a mate. I was glad we didn't hook up. Yet, I did find I still felt a certain aliveness when I talked to him.
He told me he was glad he met me. He said he used the way I responded to him as a reference when he dealt with other women. He felt as though I represented what a real woman was about. He claims that after reading my writings that I showed signs of being the woman I have become, 27 years ago.
It was a great compliment. I felt good to know that I have basically remained the same and that who I am is appreciated.
When he left for the army, my heart was broken. I felt as though I have lost a tremendous opportunity to love someone who would change my life. I tracked him down and began writing him letters. He wrote me letter back and I have reread them time and time again throughout the years.
It was through his son, his namesake, that I found him on Facebook. He accepted my request to be his friend and we began corresponding. The first time I talked to him I recognized he may not have been the right choice for me as a mate. I was glad we didn't hook up. Yet, I did find I still felt a certain aliveness when I talked to him.
He told me he was glad he met me. He said he used the way I responded to him as a reference when he dealt with other women. He felt as though I represented what a real woman was about. He claims that after reading my writings that I showed signs of being the woman I have become, 27 years ago.
It was a great compliment. I felt good to know that I have basically remained the same and that who I am is appreciated.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
The Answers
I am so glad I don't have the answers. I just know what I believe and hope the decisions I feel are right for me, are right. Knowing the answers often does not make the difference in whether you'll do the right thing or not.
For some, knowing the answers only leads to think they should try to tell others how to live their lives. Many have the answers for his neighbor, while his life hangs in the balance. I have a lot of opinions. I read alot, study, research. But I still know I don't know it all.
The one thing I do know is that I don't know. I just want to live.
For some, knowing the answers only leads to think they should try to tell others how to live their lives. Many have the answers for his neighbor, while his life hangs in the balance. I have a lot of opinions. I read alot, study, research. But I still know I don't know it all.
The one thing I do know is that I don't know. I just want to live.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
WMHTM-2
The second lesson marriage taught me was to not to overstep my bounds. Often women start off running in their marriage. Doing things they never plan to keep up. It feels great in the beginning to do the little extras, but often they are not reciprocated, if not completely taken advantage of.
I learned to do what was needed and if I did do extra, I made sure I did it without any strings attached. I did it because I wanted the pleasure of doing something extra because I could.
Marriage taught me to do the right thing, for the sake of doing the right thing. Let doing right be its own reward.
I learned to do what was needed and if I did do extra, I made sure I did it without any strings attached. I did it because I wanted the pleasure of doing something extra because I could.
Marriage taught me to do the right thing, for the sake of doing the right thing. Let doing right be its own reward.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
You Don't Know Me-2
When will folk get it through their head that they don't know other folk. Just because a person has done something a certain way 100's of times doesn't mean they cannot change or choose a different path.
I am running into this regarding my decision to separate from my husband. I can tell folk are waiting for me to be be forgiving and allow my husband to reenter my life. The difference this time makes all the difference in the world. He has displayed a complete unwillingness to live his life. I cannot do that for him. Why should I utilize my energy to keep him alive? All I get is what I have and it is not my responsibility to keep him alive.
He has demonstrated a complete inability to live within the realm of reality. His denial of the severity of his illness has sickened my beyond words. I am not made for despair. I want to live this rich and full life God has provided me with.
So many people, worse off than he have found a way to find create a life worth living. My husband is unwilling to do that. If he could behave the way he did, knowing all he had to lose; so be it.
I am running into this regarding my decision to separate from my husband. I can tell folk are waiting for me to be be forgiving and allow my husband to reenter my life. The difference this time makes all the difference in the world. He has displayed a complete unwillingness to live his life. I cannot do that for him. Why should I utilize my energy to keep him alive? All I get is what I have and it is not my responsibility to keep him alive.
He has demonstrated a complete inability to live within the realm of reality. His denial of the severity of his illness has sickened my beyond words. I am not made for despair. I want to live this rich and full life God has provided me with.
So many people, worse off than he have found a way to find create a life worth living. My husband is unwilling to do that. If he could behave the way he did, knowing all he had to lose; so be it.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
My Sonny is Proud
"I'm proud of you mom. You deserve better. You always deserved better."
This is what my son said to me after I asked him how he felt about how I handled his father's decision to remove me from his life. For years he struggled with our relationship. Like most kids who felt their father was not treating their mother right, my son suffered with thinking I was wrong, crazy, a fool, for staying with his dad.
"Since you explained to me that you needed to see the relationship to the end because you knew you would be a better person for it, I fully understood where you were coming from. You were right. You are a better person for going through it to the end. Now you're free."
"If I were upset and crying about him being gone; you would probably feel differently."
The loss of my marriage has been a relief. My son mentioned how the air in the house seemed lighter since the "evil" presence is gone. It is true. My husband has such a mean spirit that it radiates at times and turns everyone in the house off. He was just so miserable with himself. His health issues exposed the true underbelly and not even he could face himself in the end. I was a reflection of all he will never be and I had to go. The constant pressure to be a better person was too much for him.
"Mom, he could have come up with you. He had 26 years to do the right thing."
My Sonny is right. He made his choices and now he has to live with them.
"He needs to be alone. He needs time to think." My Sonny said.
"Sonny, you won't need that kind of time. You know how to love."
My boy has learned a lot. He said he is so glad things went like they did. He is grateful for the education.
"I was wrong in a lot of ways. I put you on too high of a pedestal, but it wasn't hard to make you into an angel when I had such a great representation of the complete opposite."
I always told my kids, you can learn from a bad example just as well a good one. I could have run from man to man as many women do, but I chose to ride this one to the end and I did.
This is what my son said to me after I asked him how he felt about how I handled his father's decision to remove me from his life. For years he struggled with our relationship. Like most kids who felt their father was not treating their mother right, my son suffered with thinking I was wrong, crazy, a fool, for staying with his dad.
"Since you explained to me that you needed to see the relationship to the end because you knew you would be a better person for it, I fully understood where you were coming from. You were right. You are a better person for going through it to the end. Now you're free."
"If I were upset and crying about him being gone; you would probably feel differently."
The loss of my marriage has been a relief. My son mentioned how the air in the house seemed lighter since the "evil" presence is gone. It is true. My husband has such a mean spirit that it radiates at times and turns everyone in the house off. He was just so miserable with himself. His health issues exposed the true underbelly and not even he could face himself in the end. I was a reflection of all he will never be and I had to go. The constant pressure to be a better person was too much for him.
"Mom, he could have come up with you. He had 26 years to do the right thing."
My Sonny is right. He made his choices and now he has to live with them.
"He needs to be alone. He needs time to think." My Sonny said.
"Sonny, you won't need that kind of time. You know how to love."
My boy has learned a lot. He said he is so glad things went like they did. He is grateful for the education.
"I was wrong in a lot of ways. I put you on too high of a pedestal, but it wasn't hard to make you into an angel when I had such a great representation of the complete opposite."
I always told my kids, you can learn from a bad example just as well a good one. I could have run from man to man as many women do, but I chose to ride this one to the end and I did.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Chronically Ill-10
My husband is down to 190 pounds. He has only be less than that once and that was due to an abrupt lifestyle change. This time it is because his kidneys are only working at 10%. It is so frightening. I told him last week I could see in his eyes that he was sick. They looked as though the life was literally being drawn out of them.
They had planned an emergency surgery, but have sense postponed it. I don't know how much longer he can wait before he collapse. Yesterday he could barely function. He'd walk to the door and come running back to the room to find a seat. His head would be spinning.
I can only provide minimal support. His level of denial is too much for me to bare. He literally said to me, "I don't know why, but this all seems so all of a sudden." I looked at him and asked, "Really?" Wow! where has he been the last two years as his kidneys have been in decline. Who was the man the doctor's have been telling that dialysis was his fate if he did not take certain precautions?
Thank God for my ability to disassociate and stay focused on the real. We could not be more different if we tried. He is a fear filled man with limited desire to make a difference in his own life. Me, I couldn't imagine giving up on me, or denying what is right before my eyes, yet, we are lovers, partners, parents. God is so amazing.
They had planned an emergency surgery, but have sense postponed it. I don't know how much longer he can wait before he collapse. Yesterday he could barely function. He'd walk to the door and come running back to the room to find a seat. His head would be spinning.
I can only provide minimal support. His level of denial is too much for me to bare. He literally said to me, "I don't know why, but this all seems so all of a sudden." I looked at him and asked, "Really?" Wow! where has he been the last two years as his kidneys have been in decline. Who was the man the doctor's have been telling that dialysis was his fate if he did not take certain precautions?
Thank God for my ability to disassociate and stay focused on the real. We could not be more different if we tried. He is a fear filled man with limited desire to make a difference in his own life. Me, I couldn't imagine giving up on me, or denying what is right before my eyes, yet, we are lovers, partners, parents. God is so amazing.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
My Mind
I seriously feel a cosmic shift in my way of thinking. It seems as though in the last six months something has happened to me. I no longer have that longing I experienced for so long. Something is truly satisfied in my soul and it feels good and scary at the same time.
I didn't realized how much that longing ruled my mind. That constant feeling of needing to do, to be, to go, to learn, to search, could have made me neurotic. Instead, over that last few years, I have been able to soothe and calm my urges, rid myself of the gluttony that was sure to kill me, accept my limitations, and build upon my strengths.
Yes, I do credit the marriage I am in with helping me grow and acknowledge the need to keep doing so. My marriage helped me use my mind in ways that has allowed me to blossom into the woman I have always wanted to be. I'm not perfect by any means, wouldn't know what perfect looked like if it slapped me in the face. I do know that being authentically me has more benefits than seeking perfection.
Being me allows me to reach others because they can tell I am presenting who I am and not who I want them to see. My mind is good and strong and capable. I love my mind.
I didn't realized how much that longing ruled my mind. That constant feeling of needing to do, to be, to go, to learn, to search, could have made me neurotic. Instead, over that last few years, I have been able to soothe and calm my urges, rid myself of the gluttony that was sure to kill me, accept my limitations, and build upon my strengths.
Yes, I do credit the marriage I am in with helping me grow and acknowledge the need to keep doing so. My marriage helped me use my mind in ways that has allowed me to blossom into the woman I have always wanted to be. I'm not perfect by any means, wouldn't know what perfect looked like if it slapped me in the face. I do know that being authentically me has more benefits than seeking perfection.
Being me allows me to reach others because they can tell I am presenting who I am and not who I want them to see. My mind is good and strong and capable. I love my mind.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
People Know Better
In our quest to live more positive lives, we have become a country filled with people who think they are better than the next person. More and more folk are writing and talking about leaving negative people behind. Too bad they don't realize there are no throw away people. We all have a purpose on this earth.
It is our perspective that determines whether a situation or person is negative. The very thing that may seem negative to you, wouldn't bother another person because of the way they choose to view the information they are presented with. I submit that many folk are negative themselves, so therefore they see negativity in most aspects of their lives.
I know from experience people are people. We all have different experiences, but we are basically the same. We all need love, affection respect, acknowledgement, but for some reason folk choose to be withholding. These same folk will profess to be Christians. Followers of Jesus who turned no one away, especially not the down and out. Yet, many of his followers today would be the first to turn a blind eye to someone in need. Many will try to find scripture to justify not doing right by someone else. This is the biggest tragedy.
People know better. They know they should be more empathetic, compassionate and understanding, but they are too self-centered and caught up in their on realities to do and be right.
It is our perspective that determines whether a situation or person is negative. The very thing that may seem negative to you, wouldn't bother another person because of the way they choose to view the information they are presented with. I submit that many folk are negative themselves, so therefore they see negativity in most aspects of their lives.
I know from experience people are people. We all have different experiences, but we are basically the same. We all need love, affection respect, acknowledgement, but for some reason folk choose to be withholding. These same folk will profess to be Christians. Followers of Jesus who turned no one away, especially not the down and out. Yet, many of his followers today would be the first to turn a blind eye to someone in need. Many will try to find scripture to justify not doing right by someone else. This is the biggest tragedy.
People know better. They know they should be more empathetic, compassionate and understanding, but they are too self-centered and caught up in their on realities to do and be right.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
It Is Hard
We all want the best for ourselves. None of us want to be miserable, unloved, unlovable, but many of us are. We want to think it has to do with others, but if we took the time to look at ourselves we would discover it is hard to be good to ourselves, especially if we are women.
I have made a promise to myself I intend to keep. For the most part, I have maintained a healthy lifestyle. I don't drink alcohol, or do drugs. I monitor who I spend time with, I have designed a life that suits my personality, which allows me to experience very little stress. Yet, I find it hard to do what is in my best interest. Not because I don't want to deep down, but because it is hard to change and evolve.
We can get so comfortable with our lives whether they are good or bad. We are creatures of habit and would rather things stay the same, rather than have to adjust to change. Years ago I recognized how mentally unhealthy unwillingness to change can be. I began purposely transforming myself because I wanted to be open to life and all it has to offer. I am successful as I am because I stopped long enough to examine me. I accepted my limitations and focused on my strengths and I was able to make changes and adjustments that allows me to experience lower levels of stress.
It is hard to be the people we think we want to be, but it is so worth the effort. There is a peace that comes with effort we often overlook. We all desire to be useful, but rarely think about if we are being useful to ourselves. Although it is hard, looking at yourself is the only freedom you really have. Knowing you are good and doing good is it's own reward. Do the hard thing, which is usually the right thing. Peace
I have made a promise to myself I intend to keep. For the most part, I have maintained a healthy lifestyle. I don't drink alcohol, or do drugs. I monitor who I spend time with, I have designed a life that suits my personality, which allows me to experience very little stress. Yet, I find it hard to do what is in my best interest. Not because I don't want to deep down, but because it is hard to change and evolve.
We can get so comfortable with our lives whether they are good or bad. We are creatures of habit and would rather things stay the same, rather than have to adjust to change. Years ago I recognized how mentally unhealthy unwillingness to change can be. I began purposely transforming myself because I wanted to be open to life and all it has to offer. I am successful as I am because I stopped long enough to examine me. I accepted my limitations and focused on my strengths and I was able to make changes and adjustments that allows me to experience lower levels of stress.
It is hard to be the people we think we want to be, but it is so worth the effort. There is a peace that comes with effort we often overlook. We all desire to be useful, but rarely think about if we are being useful to ourselves. Although it is hard, looking at yourself is the only freedom you really have. Knowing you are good and doing good is it's own reward. Do the hard thing, which is usually the right thing. Peace
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Desire-2
When we want things, even good things, we can go too far. We run the risk of putting too much value on things. I was definitely guilt of this. My desires were mainly concentrated towards food for a long time. I spent a lot of money on food.
Food was my God for a long time. I learned to hard way that everything that is good to you is not good for you. I became obese desiring to have more than my body needed.
I have learned to minimize my desires, especially with food. I haven't gained weight in seven years. I have actually been able to pay attention to when I have had enough and not overeat, or go back for seconds.
Getting your desires under control and putting them into proper perspective is hard, but necessary for a healthy life.
Food was my God for a long time. I learned to hard way that everything that is good to you is not good for you. I became obese desiring to have more than my body needed.
I have learned to minimize my desires, especially with food. I haven't gained weight in seven years. I have actually been able to pay attention to when I have had enough and not overeat, or go back for seconds.
Getting your desires under control and putting them into proper perspective is hard, but necessary for a healthy life.
Friday, May 6, 2011
My Youngest
My youngest daughter has a lot of health issues. She is also very oppositional defiant and always has been. She has never been one to respect authority, always believing she knows more than she does.
A constant phrase I've had to use with her throughout her 14 years is, "You're only --. You haven't lived long enough to know what you think you know."
She applied to go a local high school, but refused to let me help her. Her essay was weak and could have been written better on the provided paper. She just threw something together and it came across as such. When she got the rejection letter, she cried. I told her, "You should have let me help you."
I knew she needed my help, but she didn't. I am hoping this situation will help her see she does not know enough to get to where she wants to go. I pray she will accept the parenting I am capable of giving her. She just doesn't know. She has the type of mother who will let her fail. I will not run and save her from herself every time. She's gonna have to learn the hard way.
A constant phrase I've had to use with her throughout her 14 years is, "You're only --. You haven't lived long enough to know what you think you know."
She applied to go a local high school, but refused to let me help her. Her essay was weak and could have been written better on the provided paper. She just threw something together and it came across as such. When she got the rejection letter, she cried. I told her, "You should have let me help you."
I knew she needed my help, but she didn't. I am hoping this situation will help her see she does not know enough to get to where she wants to go. I pray she will accept the parenting I am capable of giving her. She just doesn't know. She has the type of mother who will let her fail. I will not run and save her from herself every time. She's gonna have to learn the hard way.
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