I recently had something happen to me that allowed me to get rid of some 26 year old baggage. I must tell you I truly feel blessed. I feel as though the Creator is cradling me, keeping me from harm and discomfort. So many times people leave this earth with so much unfinished business.
My uncle recently died. I viewed him as a closed off, non-emotional man who didn't care much about anyone else but himself. Yet, before he died he took the time to write each of his five children up to four page letters, each. I was so proud of him for doing this, whether his kids appreciated it our not. It showed that he knew there was something else that needed to be said and he took the time to do it.
I feel validated by God. I feel as though God is saying to me, "Wanda, you deserve peace on earth." I got a chance to say what I wanted to say back when the person refused to hear me. They were receptive now and they too, felt like it was fate, destiny that brought us together, at this time.
There is no one else I need to clear anything up with, as far as I know. There may be someone out there holding a grudge, or feeling they need to say something to me and I pray they approach me. I pray I can be receptive and open, but most of all helpful in relieving any stress they may have experienced because of something I have done in the past.
I will leave this earth with no regrets at all. I am much more careful than I was when I was younger, so I do not leave too much wreckage behind me as I plow through my journey in this life.
If you need to make up, make up. If you need to say you're sorry, do that, just don't let it fester and turn into something that could hold you back. No regrets, that's the ticket.
Showing posts with label regrets. Show all posts
Showing posts with label regrets. Show all posts
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Can't Help It
With my husband being so sick, I can't help but thinking about the fact I very well may be a young widow. He is only fifty and I will be 49 next month. With this strong possibility looming over my head, I have given thought to whether I could be in another long-term relationship.
I think not. I don't want it. Many men are too needy and everybody is looking for something and dare I say, I have paid my dues. My biggest problem with men is that they are so fragile. Especially when they are in love. I learned a long time ago that a man is hard when he's soft, and soft when he's hard. There are women who spend their lives trying to keep men hard so they can appeal to his soft side. I'm a iron sharpens, iron chick. I cannot submit to ego buffering. This has been a major problem in my present relationship.
At first I didn't know what was going on, I had no idea. Then as I began to study patterns, read more books written by men about men, and generally pay attention; I found that he expected me to let him be wrong, lie, cheat, steal, etc. just because he was the male in the relationship. Or he expected me to let him do something he clearly was not capable of, just because his ego couldn't stand to see me do it. Anyway!
I am a grown ass woman, educated and free. I don't think so. Still, there is a great part of me that likes to have a man around. I know I will miss his presence the most when the time comes. Will I be able to fill that void with something other than another man? I can't help it, I have to wonder. My husband has no idea about how I feel. He is so self-centered and closed off because he really doesn't understand why he is sick. He really has truly connected the dots, so he can't help but feel wronged in some way. He doesn't think about how his feelings about his situation has affected others.
Then there is the whole age range thing. These young guys most definitely aren't ready for me, unless they are in academia, then they probably won't be into the other things I like to do. I can't help it, I wonder about these things. I most definitely will not deal with someone older than 55, even if I am older than 55. He has to be willing to eat healthy and exercise, no exceptions. I am living what can happen when you don't. It doesn't get any worse than to watch someone breath begin snatched away from them. I won't do it again.
I am so glad I live in the present. I don't wonder about these things much. It usually happens when he is really bad like he is now, when I can the life living his eyes. These are the times I can't help it.
I think not. I don't want it. Many men are too needy and everybody is looking for something and dare I say, I have paid my dues. My biggest problem with men is that they are so fragile. Especially when they are in love. I learned a long time ago that a man is hard when he's soft, and soft when he's hard. There are women who spend their lives trying to keep men hard so they can appeal to his soft side. I'm a iron sharpens, iron chick. I cannot submit to ego buffering. This has been a major problem in my present relationship.
At first I didn't know what was going on, I had no idea. Then as I began to study patterns, read more books written by men about men, and generally pay attention; I found that he expected me to let him be wrong, lie, cheat, steal, etc. just because he was the male in the relationship. Or he expected me to let him do something he clearly was not capable of, just because his ego couldn't stand to see me do it. Anyway!
I am a grown ass woman, educated and free. I don't think so. Still, there is a great part of me that likes to have a man around. I know I will miss his presence the most when the time comes. Will I be able to fill that void with something other than another man? I can't help it, I have to wonder. My husband has no idea about how I feel. He is so self-centered and closed off because he really doesn't understand why he is sick. He really has truly connected the dots, so he can't help but feel wronged in some way. He doesn't think about how his feelings about his situation has affected others.
Then there is the whole age range thing. These young guys most definitely aren't ready for me, unless they are in academia, then they probably won't be into the other things I like to do. I can't help it, I wonder about these things. I most definitely will not deal with someone older than 55, even if I am older than 55. He has to be willing to eat healthy and exercise, no exceptions. I am living what can happen when you don't. It doesn't get any worse than to watch someone breath begin snatched away from them. I won't do it again.
I am so glad I live in the present. I don't wonder about these things much. It usually happens when he is really bad like he is now, when I can the life living his eyes. These are the times I can't help it.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Ode to Elizabeth Edwards
People love to hear of a wedding and even love hearing about the juicy details of a marriage on the rocks. In the last few years of her life, Elizabeth Edwards had to face to loss of the affection of her husband of 30+ years. He allowed himself to become involved with another woman.
Since his first attempt to get into the White House, I have followed Edward's career. I must admit I've looked at them and thought them to be in a passionless phase of their marriage. I know all to well how the tempo changes in long term relations. As a matter of fact, that is one of the things that s most beneficial about them. Things can change in an instant.
When she got pregnant with her last children, my mind immediately told me she had problems letting go. I did not know at the time she had lost her 18 year old son. I did believe she was trying to keep her husband. She looked a lot older than he. Life seemed to have taken its toll on her. Her revelation that she had not had a mammogram for years was proof that she was thinking more of others than ourselves. She payed the ultimate price for her self-negligence and so did her young children who she has left behind to be raised by her husband and possibly some other woman.
As women, we need to be more mindful of who we are and what we are doing with what God has given us. For many of, the dream of being a wife and mother has been a huge of our development. We get in those positions and some of us literally forget we have a life. We do all we can for others and won't even take the time to check on ourselves once a year. This is so amazing to me.
Yeah, I did hate myself for a long time. During that period, I still went to the doctor. I still did what I needed to do for myself. I gave my body the honor it deserved. I have not gotten sleep for days and have overextended myself for others, but I have never neglected myself When it comes to truly paying attention to my health. I make sure I stay on top of me because I want to live.
When I was younger and stupid, I thought just not being alive would solve my problems. I often wished to "just die." I began the habit of taking an aspirin everyday thinking it would kill me. I laugh every time I see a commercial that talks about the healing properties of aspirin. By the time I got into my 30's my perspective on life changed dramatically and I was ready to live. I had chosen a man to marry who was the opposite of me in every way, so our journey together was rough, unpredictable, and sometime abusive on both our parts.
We began to even out because I began to get more in tune with myself and defining who I was and what I was and was not willing to live with. The more I focused on my personal development the better my life got around me, or should I say I had less time to dwell on others and what they were and were not doing.
It is just my opinion, but I saw Elizabeth Edwards as a very smart and intelligent woman who really thought she could and would have it all. At some points in her life I am sure she felt like she did, but as it has been revealed, something was amiss and I do believe it was her lack of self-care and awareness that ultimately was her demise, as it is for us all on some level. We are the creators of our life and lifestyle. We set the standards for acceptable care and comfort. We are the ones who have the final say. In the end, I know she saw it clearly. Her book reveals a lot of clarity.
Her relationship with her husband is not that different from most women who marry men with political aspirations. There is so much that goes along with the territory that you have to be numb to some of it. You have to know that there are forces, of the female persuasion just waiting to make their mark on your husband. I know she has had to face the possibility of him being unfaithful before. As far as we know, this is the only time a child has been involved.
Then there are the interviews that the woman has given stating that he has told her he loves her and that they'll be together. None of this helped Elizabeth as she fought the good fight to stay alive for the children she bore so late in life.
I wrote this to encourage women who may be going through some of the same things she went through, the loss of a child, a failing marriage, lack of self-care. I want to encourage you to look at loss as an opportunity for gain, not to re do, or do-over. When people leave us, we must not lean on our own understanding, we must allow nature to continue to take its course.
I made sure I watched Elizabeth whenever she was interviewed and there seemed to be twinges of regret in her phrases. I could tell she knew her choices could have and may should have been different, especially when it came to taking care of her health. Her lack of consideration for herself surely contributed to her leaving before she was ready.
I can say with confidence I have no regrets. I have done my duty. I have raised children who are kind and considerate, hardworking and generous. I am proud of them, but at the same time I have worked on myself with each of them, letting them go so they can become the people the were meant to be. I am looking forward to whatever time I have left with my husband. If he should die before me, I am looking forward to whatever is next.
Go to the doctor.
Since his first attempt to get into the White House, I have followed Edward's career. I must admit I've looked at them and thought them to be in a passionless phase of their marriage. I know all to well how the tempo changes in long term relations. As a matter of fact, that is one of the things that s most beneficial about them. Things can change in an instant.
When she got pregnant with her last children, my mind immediately told me she had problems letting go. I did not know at the time she had lost her 18 year old son. I did believe she was trying to keep her husband. She looked a lot older than he. Life seemed to have taken its toll on her. Her revelation that she had not had a mammogram for years was proof that she was thinking more of others than ourselves. She payed the ultimate price for her self-negligence and so did her young children who she has left behind to be raised by her husband and possibly some other woman.
As women, we need to be more mindful of who we are and what we are doing with what God has given us. For many of, the dream of being a wife and mother has been a huge of our development. We get in those positions and some of us literally forget we have a life. We do all we can for others and won't even take the time to check on ourselves once a year. This is so amazing to me.
Yeah, I did hate myself for a long time. During that period, I still went to the doctor. I still did what I needed to do for myself. I gave my body the honor it deserved. I have not gotten sleep for days and have overextended myself for others, but I have never neglected myself When it comes to truly paying attention to my health. I make sure I stay on top of me because I want to live.
When I was younger and stupid, I thought just not being alive would solve my problems. I often wished to "just die." I began the habit of taking an aspirin everyday thinking it would kill me. I laugh every time I see a commercial that talks about the healing properties of aspirin. By the time I got into my 30's my perspective on life changed dramatically and I was ready to live. I had chosen a man to marry who was the opposite of me in every way, so our journey together was rough, unpredictable, and sometime abusive on both our parts.
We began to even out because I began to get more in tune with myself and defining who I was and what I was and was not willing to live with. The more I focused on my personal development the better my life got around me, or should I say I had less time to dwell on others and what they were and were not doing.
It is just my opinion, but I saw Elizabeth Edwards as a very smart and intelligent woman who really thought she could and would have it all. At some points in her life I am sure she felt like she did, but as it has been revealed, something was amiss and I do believe it was her lack of self-care and awareness that ultimately was her demise, as it is for us all on some level. We are the creators of our life and lifestyle. We set the standards for acceptable care and comfort. We are the ones who have the final say. In the end, I know she saw it clearly. Her book reveals a lot of clarity.
Her relationship with her husband is not that different from most women who marry men with political aspirations. There is so much that goes along with the territory that you have to be numb to some of it. You have to know that there are forces, of the female persuasion just waiting to make their mark on your husband. I know she has had to face the possibility of him being unfaithful before. As far as we know, this is the only time a child has been involved.
Then there are the interviews that the woman has given stating that he has told her he loves her and that they'll be together. None of this helped Elizabeth as she fought the good fight to stay alive for the children she bore so late in life.
I wrote this to encourage women who may be going through some of the same things she went through, the loss of a child, a failing marriage, lack of self-care. I want to encourage you to look at loss as an opportunity for gain, not to re do, or do-over. When people leave us, we must not lean on our own understanding, we must allow nature to continue to take its course.
I made sure I watched Elizabeth whenever she was interviewed and there seemed to be twinges of regret in her phrases. I could tell she knew her choices could have and may should have been different, especially when it came to taking care of her health. Her lack of consideration for herself surely contributed to her leaving before she was ready.
I can say with confidence I have no regrets. I have done my duty. I have raised children who are kind and considerate, hardworking and generous. I am proud of them, but at the same time I have worked on myself with each of them, letting them go so they can become the people the were meant to be. I am looking forward to whatever time I have left with my husband. If he should die before me, I am looking forward to whatever is next.
Go to the doctor.
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