What We Give Up To Please Ourselves

I often write about how marriage gives us the opportunity to learn to share and to be open to love. I can truly say I learned those things in my marriage. Marriage shaped me and beckoned me to search for ways to be used so that I could share the glory one feels when they are giving out of love.

It never really mattered to me that my husband didn't work because he was such a good house husband. It bothered him, thus we'd have arguments, not because he wasn't working, but because of how he felt about not working.

What I gave up to please myself was the experience of having a partner who shared their finances with the household. I never truly made demands on his income. I took more of the attitude that as long as he didn't have to ask me for money, or take away from the household, I didn't care.

Although, to me, we benefited more by him not working and taking care of the house and our young children; I had to accept that he struggled with his manhood already, and although he was pretty comfortable in the role, at times he felt "less than a man." Like I said in an earlier blog, we get too attached to ideals of who we are, instead of accepting who we are. He was more domestic than I and both of us knew it. We did what was best for our family.

If I must say so, my kids are the better for it. They are some very well-mannered, kind, thoughtful, decent children and their father has a lot to do with it. Yes, I gave up financial security for peace of mind and I would do it again.

Using My Head

I am grateful I've been able to think rationally for most of my life. The first time I fell in love I almost lost my mind. By the last time, I had it down. I realized falling in love was truly for suckers. They rarely get to know what being in love is really like.

When you learn to do what is in your best interest, you are truly using your head. Stop giving your life over to others. Think!

It Really Can Get Better With Time

Things can get better with time because we can get better with time. The other day my husband and I were talking about how neither one of us have to true model for divorce in our families. His parents are the only couple on his side of the family to divorce, even though years later they got back together and are to this day.

On my side, I have an uncle who divorced and he too is back with his wife who he had been married to for 25 years. My husband immediately said, "Well, anyway, their divorce didn't affect me." Before I could open my mouth, he recanted stating, "Yes it did. It did have an effect on me." I was very proud of him. For years he would argue with me how his parents splitting didn't cause much of the disarray he found himself in at 15. He wanted to believe he made the choice to sleep in cars, in basements, alleys, wherever someone would let him, because his parents were no longer thinking of the children.

For years he hung on to the belief that he was in control of his decisions. That he somehow wanted to be on his own making a life full of mistakes and regrets because he had no parental guidance. By the time I came into his life, he was a felon with low self-esteem and even less hope. I was hopeful, but my self-esteem was just as low. Although my parents had not divorced legally, their emotional divorce was not as amicable as it could have been, so they were very distant and disrespectful towards each other at times.

This gave me a great distaste for marriage in my early years. I have come to appreciate their efforts to keep our family together despite their obviously disliking of each other. It made an important impact on how my siblings and I view and move through the world. It gave us a sense of being worthy because my parents were adult enough to recognize their happiness was up to them and they were obligated to give us the best life possible.

My husband and I talk openly for the most part. He still tries to use projection, denial, and silence to make it through the rough times. I give him time to come around, but I never drop a subject that is important. If it takes years, I make sure we work through stuff.

It really can get better with time and our relationship is an example of that possibility.

Empathy-Part Five

I began watching this movie where the boyfriend and girlfriend were about to celebrate an event. The girlfriend gave the guy a gift and waited for him to hand her one. He told her he didn't get her a gift because she said she didn't want one. She became outraged and stomped to the door, turned around and said, "I told you I didn't want one because I wanted to be the girlfriend who didn't ask you for anything. Of course I wanted a gift."

This made me sick and I immediately stopped watching the movie. That whole scene is what is wrong with so many women. We really expect men to read our minds and it is so unfair to them, especially when they are more than or just as screwed up as we are when it comes to knowing how to be in a relationship.

It is like we forget that we have recognized how dense they can be. How they often just look over things that doesn't affect on their lives. How they can ignore most anything and act like they know nothing, even when they have a PhD. How do we forget that we know we are smarter than them in many ways? How is it that just because we love them, we think they will know what we want, when they can't order off a menu in a restaurant?

Please! Women need to get a grip, stop having so many unrealistic expectations and get our acts together. Then and only then will we realize that we have what we need. We must ask for what we want and be very specific. We have to be realistic and know that just as we can read no ones mind, no one can read ours. Give me a break! Help them out where you can and you will find you will get what you want.

Silly Rabbit

Remember the Trix commercial where the rabbit would try to steal the Trix cereal from the kids. He's being all selfish and self-centered when he is caught read handed and told, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."

Well, a lot of married people need to be told, "Silly rabbit tricks are for kids." So many of us expect our mates to perform all kinds of "tricks" to earn our love. We bait them in, only to turn on them once we recognize they are they're own person. Unfortunately, the hope of romance causes a lot of us to expect certain "tricks" to be performed before we will give our so-called love to another.

Until we learn to respect each other for who we are, we will never have the kind of relationships we want. As long as we come to the table with our hands opened instead of extending in service, we will never know what it is like to truly give, or get unconditionally.

I never understood the desire many women have to be taken care of. Yes, society has tried to make us believe it should be this way, but women, especially black women have always worked and done more than required of them. But to expect someone to take care of your day-to-day needs, I still can't get it. Many women end up performing all kinds of tricks trying to keep what they are not willing to earn.

I even further do not understand men, who look to their women to be everything to them. The idea sounds better than the reality. In reality, no one wants to be dictated to, taken for granted, or led on, but this is what happens when people give too much power to others.

Stop expecting your mate to perform for you. If we approached each other as though we were going on an expedition, we'd learn so much and be appreciated much more. People love for others to take an interest in them. The way things are now, folk are only interested in sharing what they think will bring them the biggest return.

All I can say is, "Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids."

Waiting On David: Part Two

My husband spent several minutes telling me how much he loves me. How told me again, he would be dead if it weren't for me loving him. He even pinpointed how he knew he would be dead. He said he didn't take to episodes, which turned out to be strokes, seriously. He said it was because of me he went to the hospital.

He told me that many women are going through what I am, but either leave their mates, or are in denial about what is going on. He talked about how I arouse him, even though the disease he has doesn't allow an erection. I mean he was just laid it own me. I just sat and looked at him, standing there looking so sincere.

Then he said to me, "You really do make me want to be a better man. No matter how long it last. I want to be a better man for you."

I continued to listen. "Many women would have left me. You had a right to and didn't. The fact that you didn't makes me love you even more."

"I'm here for you baby." I said with a smile, and I am. I took my vows and I meant them then, and I mean them now. It is so important to both of us to keep our family together. We want to raise our kids and we will.

Somethings going on with him. I'm not questioning it. Not even a little. At the least, it is about time, at the most God willing, I could be getting my David.

Traveling a Rough Road

My husband's memory is getting worse and worse. It is to be expected. He has had four strokes and since his last scan the prognosis was not good. Yet, it is rough dealing with not being able to remember. He asked a question and five minutes later he didn't remember what he had said. It would not be so bad if he wasn't so willing to argue about what was said, knowing all the time he doesn't really remember.

I have said it over and over. If it were not for his ego, he would be dead. His ego is what is killing him and keeping him alive. It is awful to see. I will admit I admire him for sticking to his guns no matter how stupid. Most people just give up. All I can do is be there for him and try to keep him comfortable.

Can't Help It

With my husband being so sick, I can't help but thinking about the fact I very well may be a young widow. He is only fifty and I will be 49 next month. With this strong possibility looming over my head, I have given thought to whether I could be in another long-term relationship.

I think not. I don't want it. Many men are too needy and everybody is looking for something and dare I say, I have paid my dues. My biggest problem with men is that they are so fragile. Especially when they are in love. I learned a long time ago that a man is hard when he's soft, and soft when he's hard. There are women who spend their lives trying to keep men hard so they can appeal to his soft side. I'm a iron sharpens, iron chick. I cannot submit to ego buffering. This has been a major problem in my present relationship.

At first I didn't know what was going on, I had no idea. Then as I began to study patterns, read more books written by men about men, and generally pay attention; I found that he expected me to let him be wrong, lie, cheat, steal, etc. just because he was the male in the relationship. Or he expected me to let him do something he clearly was not capable of, just because his ego couldn't stand to see me do it. Anyway!

I am a grown ass woman, educated and free. I don't think so. Still, there is a great part of me that likes to have a man around. I know I will miss his presence the most when the time comes. Will I be able to fill that void with something other than another man? I can't help it, I have to wonder. My husband has no idea about how I feel. He is so self-centered and closed off because he really doesn't understand why he is sick. He really has truly connected the dots, so he can't help but feel wronged in some way. He doesn't think about how his feelings about his situation has affected others.

Then there is the whole age range thing. These young guys most definitely aren't ready for me, unless they are in academia, then they probably won't be into the other things I like to do. I can't help it, I wonder about these things. I most definitely will not deal with someone older than 55, even if I am older than 55. He has to be willing to eat healthy and exercise, no exceptions. I am living what can happen when you don't. It doesn't get any worse than to watch someone breath begin snatched away from them. I won't do it again.

I am so glad I live in the present. I don't wonder about these things much. It usually happens when he is really bad like he is now, when I can the life living his eyes. These are the times I can't help it.

The Day After Christmas

My husband left a beautiful message on my machine while I was at work Friday night. He talked about hoping I came home in a good mood so we could celebrate Christmas with the family we have here. It is only he, my son and myself at the house.

He went on to say how he was thinking about me, how much he loved me, and that he could not wait until I returned home. It warmed my heart. But, when I home, I noticed his throw up pan on the floor. He was sick. He stayed in bed when he was throwing up, or having the use the bathroom.

I cooked the Turkey, ate some Tuna, then got in bed and watched an episode of Martin. He returned from the bathroom and I caught of glimpse of his face. It was darker than I had ever seen it. His face is swollen and his eyes are puffy. As he was leaving the message, I could hear through the recording he was struggling to breathe. His refusal to go to the hospital is true testimony to the fact he is lives in a world of denial. Kidney failure is real. Especially for a severe diabetic such as he.

What am I doing? I ask him on a regular basis to go to the hospital. I try and make him as comfortable as I can, I pray for him, I continue to love him, and leave him to his own journey. I am truly walking with him. If this is how he wants our forever to end, so be it. I have done my time. He will always be the man of my dreams and the creator of my nightmares. I love him all the more for it.

This day after Christmas is glorious. I got real rest and sleep. I didn't overeat at all. As a matter of fact, I cooked turkey, corn, greens, and Rotini with five cheeses, but I did not eat any of it. I made some Croissants with bits of turkey and shavings of white cheddar cheese. I ate three for dinner and that was it. I refuse to overeat on another holiday as long as I live. I have truly made a lifestyle change.

I didn't spend much time with anyone but me on Christmas day. Part of the reason is I left my cell phone at work. Silly me, but I wouldn't have done too much talking anyway because I am indulging in spiritual renewal. I limit my verbal communication during these times. So much of the time people are talking loud and saying nothing.

My husband was saying something when he left his message. He said it loud and clear. I am still the one he wants to spend the holidays with and he loves me. I got my husband's love for Christmas.

WOW!

Yesterday my husband and I were trying to remember the last time we had an argument. He said he had thought about it while I was at work and could not remember. I can't either. It is so amazing to me. My agreeable attitude is working and I have found he is not as disagreeable as I would have accused him of being in the past.

It was my unwillingness to be in agreement that mostly kept us at bay. Once I managed my disagreeable spirit, I was able to let go of the need to make him the one who was disagreeing.

Each day is getting better and better. I am thankful I stayed. I am so glad I did not divorce him. I would have never known how wonderful things could be between us.

Something New

Something new is happening in my relationship. I can tell my husband is putting forth effort to be a better husband. In a way it is sort of eery. Since I came home from my trip to East St. Louis, IL, he seems to really appreciate me more. He is less irritable and has been more attentive.

When I came through the door, he literally ran to me with his arms stretched to hug and kiss me. I was shocked. I told him I didn't think he'd ever responded that way to me before. Something new is happening in our relationship.

He asked me if I KNEW he loved me. I hesitated for a long time because I know he thinks he does, and he does in his own way, but the truth of the matter is as long as he doesn't love himself, he'll never fully love another. Doesn't look like he's in line for self-love lessons, so I am reluctant to accept that he really loves me in the truest sense of the word. I accept what he has to offer as love. I do understand that many people are where he is, lost in themselves without a paddle.

Yet, the something new feels like it should have always been. I guess that is why I recognize it. I know how it should be, even though I've lived with how it is. I refuse to be bitter and work hard at being better. He is willing to try and that has always been enough for me and why we have stayed together for 25 years. He understood long before I did how messed up he was, but there is something so real about his desire to have a better life than the one he cut our for himself.

Empathy-Part Four

The birth of my son triggered a desire to become more male friendly. I fully understood I had no idea of what it is like to be a man. Even though it took a male to help make me and I know biologically I am half male, I wholly experience life as a female.

Many women don't understand the importance of empathizing with the male species. They would much rather try to change him, or expect him to do as she wants because she claims to love him. Or she may have all kinds of warped expectations due to not growing up with a male, or never taking to the time to pay attention to those around her.

The media, the government, employers, schools, retailers, etc. all benefit from the battle that goes on between the sexes. What women need to know is battling with men will not get you what you want. Men, understand this about women that's why many of them have taken the stance that they are afraid of women. Their fear is based on the unknown. They don't know us either and not much in our culture tries to cultivate true understanding among the sexes.

There are a few people are who are genuinely wanting to make the relations between the sexes better, but not many. This country thrives off conflict. We can't get enough of bitter feuds and disconnected partners. We flock to the news stand to read about who broke up or on the verge of breaking up. We love to look at others in pain, while simultaneously running to the divorce courts to heal our own.

The answer? We must come to our relationships with more understanding and willingness to participate at our highest level of consciousness.

Keeping My Mouth Shut

The best thing I have ever done for my marriage is to learn when to keep my mouth shut. It was a time I felt as though I had to say something about just about everything. I was going to make sure my opinion and voice were heard.

I learned that in marriage a lot of what we verbalize tends to be negative. When is the last time you told your spouse how wonderful they are? When was the last time you congratulated them, or even given them a positive nod?

We must learn when to say what we think needs to be said and understand that how we say it matters the most. In our marriages, we must make the committment to uplift and encourage as much as we can. Marriage is a long-term operation. If we develop the habit of verbalizing every slight, we will create a hostile in the environment we need to find the most peace, our homes.

Think before you speak, or just don't speak at all. Sometimes saying nothing speaks louder than any words ever could.

Community Minded

I have the Key to the City. I have the Distinguished Citizens Award. I have several other awards that indicate my committment to giving back to whatever community I live in. It is important that we all understand our role in helping the world become a better place.

Get involved in some sort of community activity. Everyone benefits from what one does.

Winners vs Losers

THE WINNER-IS ALWAYS A PART OF THE ANSWER;
THE LOSER-IS ALWAYS A PART OF THE PROBLEM.

THE WINNER- ALWAYS HAS A PROGRAM;
THE LOSER-ALWAYS HAS AN EXCUSE

THE WINNER-SAYS "LET ME DO IT FOR YOU;"
THE LOSER-SAYS "THAT'S NOT MY JOB;"

THE WINNER-SEES AN ANSWER FOR EVERY PROBLEM;
THE LOSER-SEES A PROBLEM IN EVERY ANSWER;

THE WINNER-SEES A GREEN NEAR EVERY SAND TRAP;
THE LOSER-SEES TWO OR THREE SAND TRAPS NEAR EVERY GREEN;

THE WINNER-SAYS "IT MAY BE DIFFICULT BUT IT'S POSSIBLE;"
THE LOSER-SAYS, "iT MAY BE POSSIBLE BUT IT'S TOO DIFFICULT;"

IDENTIFY YOURSELF! DO IT NOW!
ARE YOU A WINNER OR LOSER?

21

I have been legally married for 21 years. Although things have been rocky for the past few months, my husband and I were able to set aside our differences and celebrate the fact we are still together and putting forth effort to remain so, at least for the time being.

I asked what he though was great about our relationship and he said our children. He could not come up with anything else. I told him I'd take his initial answer. He wrote me a sweet letter indicating that he knew we both should have run in the other direction, but he said he would not rather be in any other place.

I believe him. I feel the same way, today.

You Don't Know Him

One of the biggest problems I have with our gender is when we meet a man we think we want to be with, we begin to think we know him, because we want or desire to be with him. The more time we spend with him, the more we are convinced we have him pegged. When in reality, you never, never, never, really know anyone.

When things came to light about my husband, I found myself scratching my head. Here I was with a man who I had known for over a decade, but in an instant I found out I didn't know jack.
I began to do research on the male psyche and began with reading "Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man," a book written by Sam Keen he is a Theologian and has written several books an the subject.

What I found so facinating was how much I had taken for granted about men based on having absolutely no knowledge of them. Like so many other women I based what I thought I knew on what I knew to be true for me. I had not given any thought to the uniqueness of malesness. There are some very realistic differences between the sexes. After reading this book, I backed all the way up and accepted I was very wrong for assuming I knew what men are like, what they go through, or even what they need.

We need to study long and hard about maleness and stop projecting our femininity on men.

Authenticity

I make no apologies for who I am. Just as it has others, life has shaped me. Unfortunately, some of the brightest people still have problems letting others be who they are. They bring to conversations their preconceived ideas about what should and should not happen at even given moment. When others do not fit into their idea of what should be, they immediately have a problem with the person.

This happens to me a lot. Because I fear no man. Because I know, that I know , that I know. I do not respond they way others feel I should and I have to be subjected to them telling me how I should have responded to this, that, or the other.

No one has the right to dictate what comes out of another person's mouth. If you don't like what is said, that is one thing, but to actually tell a person what they could have said, or should have said is out of line and disrespectful in itself. I take people at face value and if I find I cannot handle what they are putting down, then I put them down.

I don't make it a habit of allowing myself to be dictated to and that is a good thing. I'd really be crazy if I listened to all the people who want to tell me how to express myself, what to wear, how to walk into a room. I mean really, who has the time to worry about what others think?

We are living in a marvelous time that will go down in history as one of the most unusual decades for destruction and growth. Our economy is taking its beatings and we are having to rely more on less and deal with it. What will you contribute to this marvelous time in history? What will you learn about yourself? How will you adapt to the New World Order? It is time we all learn to do our own thing and leave other people's alone.

Waiting on David

Not unlike many women in long-term marriages, I have come to accept what I cannot change in my relationship. Although I commend both my husband and myself, for believing we could have the family we both desired, even with the traumatic backgrounds we both brought to the union.

Some things have come to light that have altered the way I will function in my marriage for its duration. I have made the decision to stick with my original decision and that is to stay married at least until my daughter is out of high school. I feel strongly and believe completely children fair much better when they come from two parent homes. I refuse to deprive her of her father, because I have finally accepted what I have always known, my husband is taking his time becoming a man, therefore he is unable to meet my needs as a woman.

This quote, "We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains," is my new mantra. I will not grieve the loss of hope that has gripped my heart. I will not grieve never having the type of man I need. I will not grieve. I will not grieve.

Instead, I will continue to find strength in the knowledge that living for God will insure I am happy with my life. My relationship does not define me. It never has and it never will. I will find strength in my ability to recognize that this is what I should do, instead of run for a divorce, or become bitter because I am not getting my needs met, yet again.

My situation is textbook in so many ways. I literally married my mother, father, and molester. I repeated the cycle of pain I grew up with. The neglect, the rejection, the misuse of trust, the lack of respect, the inability to honor me for what I bring to the world.

I have learned my lesson and I am waiting on David.

From Which I Receive My Help

"People are not always loyal and grateful....gratitude is rare, we must get used to living only for God and to expect thanks only from Him." St. Mary Euphrasia

This is so true and so hard to do. Because we are human and of flesh, it makes it hard for us to live only for God, who is of spirit. We have to dig deep within ourselves to live only for God. We must relinquish our need to have others be there for us and grateful that we are there for them. We must do what we do because we know it is right and in line with what God mandates for us all.

Once I really understood the above quote, I was no longer unhappy with the way my marriage turned out. I understood I was to do what I had done and continue to do what I feel is right in the marriage. It has been very hard to perservere during many of the circumstances and situations that have presented themselves during my 25 year relationship with my husband.

He has not shown me the respect or love I would have hoped for, but what did happen for me is I grew to understand I didn't need it from him as much, when I learned to love myself more and appreciate my ability to love him despite his inability to love me. I do believe this is what God wants from us, especially in our marriages. Whether he loved me or not, my need for love drove me to find the greatest love of all, love of self.

So many people get married thinking they will be completed in some way. Marriage is just the beginning. Whatever completion of self that happens, happens when one learns to love themselves, not by being loved by someone else.

Lean on your faith in times of dispair. Be honest with yourself and open up to the possibility that if you are unhappy it may because you haven't learned to appreciate, be loyal to and love yourself.