Who Creates Your Reality?

It is you who creates your reality. No matter how much you want to blame others or point the finger, ultimately it is up to you to get it right, to be the person you desire to be.

No, it is not easy to change or modify ones lifestyle, but it is always worth it, if it is truly needed. So many of us want things to come easy and this is a shame because those things that are hard fought for bear the sweetest victory. You feel great about yourself when you do something in your best interest.

Oftentimes, the problems lies with the fact we don't fight hard enough to maintain our personal integrity. We think others do not know, so why not cheat, deny, hide, steal, lie, etc. The most important person knows and that is you. Don't you want yourself to feel good about yourself? Aren't you worth going the extra mile for? I say you are. I know I am and because I know this, my life has been a true adventure. Unafraid, I have followed the map I laid out for myself without flinching. I just happen to believe that what I wanted for me, God also wanted for me. Yes, even the rough times. It all served to help me create the personal I am today.

Who creates your reality? You do. If you don't like it, change it.

Peace, love and soul

Something New- 3

Well, I am surprising myself. I am really considering dating outside my race when the time comes. I really need to switch some things and I think the type of man I choose is a great start. Although I will always love and adore black men, they don't love me back. They expect too little and expect to give even less. A lot of this is culture based and the type of woman I am does not fit the stereotype many black men are looking to find.

Many men believe because I am overweight my standards are lower. Several have seemed shocked to find I have a healthy dose of self-respect and self-awareness. So many are used to dealing with women who are starving for attention and love. Although I had those issues, they were more than taken care of during my marriage. I have learned to give myself love and attention, therefore I am not starving for someone to do it.

I don't know what I'm doing. I just know I have to do something. I must find a way to be the woman I know I can be to a man and have him semi-appreciate it. I know white men see me as powerful and capable and are less likely to feel intimidated by me because they feel that way too. So many black men choose the dejected route to deal with life and it's struggles. Yes, things are harder for them, still today, but so many avenues have opened up also.

I need the man who can accept my independence and appreciate it, not feel threatened by it. I am ready for something new.

Double-edged Situation

I was talking to a man who is 61 and never been married. He has several children, but did not raise any of them because the women he chose was unable to recognize his need for independence. They refused to let him be around his children because he didn't want to be tied down with them.

He simply knew who he was and that he was not marriage material. He knew at a young age he didn't want to inflict his way of life on a family, but the women he chose could not appreciate his honesty and opted for barring him from the lives of his offspring.

This happens alot, "I ended up raising the kids of the women I was with. I am only now, able to have relationships with my own, now they are adults."

The fact he is willing is what is so amazing. We are now in a time where women are making money, and don't need financial help, as much as they are looking for emotional stabilty. Men, on the other hand have most likely been raised to believe that all they should do is provide for the family. It is a double-edge situation that causes men and women to continue to go round and round about who should be doing what.

We need love. All of us. If we would just approach the situation with that in mind, it would be a smoother ride to getting what you need.

He Hates Me

What I have believed to be true for a few years now, is. My husband hates me. He hates me because I am a better person than he is and he knows it for sure. After 26 years, I have remained basically the same. I have maintained my dignity, personal integrity, and since of loyalty.

I have kept all my promises and have done all I could to right the wrongs I committed during our relationship. He was unable to accept my love and kindness for many reasons, the foremost being because he didn't deserve it.

He hates the fact I don't give up. He hates I have literally achieved every goal I told him I would when we began dating in August of 1985. I've even combated the weight issue and I know that is something he never thought I would do because I was so messes up in the head when it came to food and the effects it had on my body. He just knew I'd be fat and miserable all my life.

He hates me because my kids love me and has tried to turn them against me since we've been apart. This is the biggest tragedy because they know who I am. They have been here all the time too.

I tried desperately to bring him with me on this journey of self-awareness. When I met him I was crazy as hell. I was frightened of the world, depressed and lonely. He loved introducing me to stuff and bringing me out of my shell. He just didn't know how quick of a learning I would be and that I was just waiting for my turn.

As much as he understands love, I believe he has it for me. Yet, he clearly does not like me. To be honest, I'm proud to know he doesn't like me because I ain't about the bullshit and because I am the woman I present myself to be. I ain't fake and he couldn't take the for real, for real.

The Real Deal

One thing I can say for sure, when you meet me you meet the real deal. I don't feel entitled to your respect so I will respect you first, in hopes you will respect. If you cannot, then we can do it your way.

I'm not a quitter. I'm not a loser. I am not looking for something for nothing. I am not afraid to stand up for what I know is right. I know I have been bought and paid for, therefore I owe no man.

Like millions before me, and millions to come after, I am not in the most ideal marital relationship. The person I married turned out to be a lot different than me in ways that keep us from communicating on a level I can handle. I was a victim of romance, of wallowing in my own grief brought on by the realization I was not loved by my primary caretakers. I wore the hurt and pain of my childhood like a badge. I chose another wounded soul, but what masked as confidence was pure male ego, and macho bullshit.

Kind, generous at times, good manners, thoughtful and attentive; he fooled me. These were his tools of manipulation to lure his victim into his web of lies, deceit, and out right foolishness. By the time, I figured all this out, we had two kids, etc.

I decided to become a martyr for marriage because I am strong enough to delay my needs, wants and desires for what I know in the long run will be better for my family. I'm the real deal. The ride or die chick. The one that will be there to the end.

It Sounds Good

It sounds good when I say, I believe in the institution of marriage and I am staying because I believe my marriage is God ordained and to leave it right now, would not be what God wants.

It sounds good, but is very hard to live. Especially when you realize that just because you understand the big picture, you still have to live the day-to-day and be human at the same time. If I wanted to deny my humanness, I guess I could take up my cross and not mention the pain, but being human, I have to say ouch when it hurts and I'm hurting right now.

As I watch my husband's health fail, as I watch him help it fail, it is a constant reminder that he will never be a better husband to me. I fully get that what I see is what I get and that making the best out of it is about all I can expect. It is very painful to accept this.

What makes the pain almost unbearable is the fact I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with anyone else. I can't imagine ever dating, or wanting to marry again. With all my belief in marriage, this bad one has most definitely made me feel I would not do it again with someone else.

Now that I have accepted I will not have the husband I deserve through the man I'm married to, I question is this a marriage?

Of course it is. It's not a real good marriage, but it is a marriage nonetheless. Marriage is much more than the relationship between the two people. Marriage is more about maintaining and managing the shared incomes, children, household etc. I would say the relationship is about 20% of what marriage is really about. The other 80% is about all the other stuff which people tend to get done, but do not take the time to work on the 20%. This is why folk can be married for 50 years and get a divorce. As soon as they are faced with the 20%, the marriage is over.

For us, we do the 80% fine, it is when we try to deal with the 20% that problems arise. We've done some great things in our union. The fact we've been together for 25 years and not killed each other is amazing. We actually have done some very important things right and this is why we've stayed together so long. I will talk about them in another blog.

Can't Help It

With my husband being so sick, I can't help but thinking about the fact I very well may be a young widow. He is only fifty and I will be 49 next month. With this strong possibility looming over my head, I have given thought to whether I could be in another long-term relationship.

I think not. I don't want it. Many men are too needy and everybody is looking for something and dare I say, I have paid my dues. My biggest problem with men is that they are so fragile. Especially when they are in love. I learned a long time ago that a man is hard when he's soft, and soft when he's hard. There are women who spend their lives trying to keep men hard so they can appeal to his soft side. I'm a iron sharpens, iron chick. I cannot submit to ego buffering. This has been a major problem in my present relationship.

At first I didn't know what was going on, I had no idea. Then as I began to study patterns, read more books written by men about men, and generally pay attention; I found that he expected me to let him be wrong, lie, cheat, steal, etc. just because he was the male in the relationship. Or he expected me to let him do something he clearly was not capable of, just because his ego couldn't stand to see me do it. Anyway!

I am a grown ass woman, educated and free. I don't think so. Still, there is a great part of me that likes to have a man around. I know I will miss his presence the most when the time comes. Will I be able to fill that void with something other than another man? I can't help it, I have to wonder. My husband has no idea about how I feel. He is so self-centered and closed off because he really doesn't understand why he is sick. He really has truly connected the dots, so he can't help but feel wronged in some way. He doesn't think about how his feelings about his situation has affected others.

Then there is the whole age range thing. These young guys most definitely aren't ready for me, unless they are in academia, then they probably won't be into the other things I like to do. I can't help it, I wonder about these things. I most definitely will not deal with someone older than 55, even if I am older than 55. He has to be willing to eat healthy and exercise, no exceptions. I am living what can happen when you don't. It doesn't get any worse than to watch someone breath begin snatched away from them. I won't do it again.

I am so glad I live in the present. I don't wonder about these things much. It usually happens when he is really bad like he is now, when I can the life living his eyes. These are the times I can't help it.

Who You Deal With

Before I moved to Louisville, I did research so I could align myself with people who were on the same page as I. I made a conscious decision to only associate with people who were ambitious and wanted to help the community.

By doing that, I was able to realize all of my dreams and goals since I have been here. It has been a fascinating journey. Now I am ready to move on to Atlanta. I have big plans and I know Atlanta is the place to fulfill them.

I do not believe in luck. I truly believe it is all about creating the life you want. But first you must truly know what you want. I am so glad I was blessed at an early age and have know what I want as far as a career since I was 10 years old.

Now, it is just a matter of networking, maintaining viable relationships and continuing to be honest and open to all opportunities.

Marriage Is Not for Children

Marriage is not for children. Marriage is for adults who are willing to enter into an agreement that will cultivate as much of a win/win outcome for both spouses.

Marriage is for those who are mature, or willing to mature. Marriage is not for children, yet over and over childish individuals enter into the adult world of marriage and find they are not equip to handle the responsibility. Just because you pay bills, drive a car, have your own apartment, etc. does mean you are an adult. Our minds often does not catch up with our age.

Many people are under the assumption they are marrying someone ready for marriage. It doesn't take them long to find out they married a fully grown infant just wanting their way and expecting everyone else to cater to them. Or they find they have married someone incapable of experiencing their feelings and emotions, other than anger, need for sex, and food. Then there are those of us who marry only to find we didn't know what we thought we knew, now we have to try to fake it, knowing all the time we will soon be found out.

Think before you leap. Marriage is not for children.

Belief

Many people don't understand that just because they believe something it doesn't make it real. It may be real to you, but mean nothing to others. Belief does not mean truth.

You Don't Know Him

One of the biggest problems I have with our gender is when we meet a man we think we want to be with, we begin to think we know him, because we want or desire to be with him. The more time we spend with him, the more we are convinced we have him pegged. When in reality, you never, never, never, really know anyone.

When things came to light about my husband, I found myself scratching my head. Here I was with a man who I had known for over a decade, but in an instant I found out I didn't know jack.
I began to do research on the male psyche and began with reading "Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man," a book written by Sam Keen he is a Theologian and has written several books an the subject.

What I found so facinating was how much I had taken for granted about men based on having absolutely no knowledge of them. Like so many other women I based what I thought I knew on what I knew to be true for me. I had not given any thought to the uniqueness of malesness. There are some very realistic differences between the sexes. After reading this book, I backed all the way up and accepted I was very wrong for assuming I knew what men are like, what they go through, or even what they need.

We need to study long and hard about maleness and stop projecting our femininity on men.

My Own Stuff

My attempts to rectify some of the wrongs I carried out in my marriage failed. I've spent the last seven years trying to turn around some behaviors that ruined my relationship with my husband.



He was not willing, or able to forgive me, so he set out to hurt me and make me pay. He succeeded in successfully hurting me and making it impossible for me to believe in us ever having anything meaningful together outside our lives as parents.



My own stuff helped ruin my marriage. My own insecurities, inadequacies, ignorance, lack of humility, inability to love and to be loved. I held on to these things for way too long. Even though I am a firm believer that everything happens just as it should, I can't help but think about how things could have turned out had I been more relationship worthy.

There are many reasons why I was the way I was, none of which make any difference at this point. I did my best and I am actually proud of the progress I've made, but it is too late for our marriage to survive in any real way. The damage has been done. Thankfully, we are both mature enough to live together and raise our daughter. We both feel strongly our kids should be reared in a two parent home.

My own stuff kept me from being able to get what I needed out of my relationship. His stuff is keeping him from respecting the honest effort I have made. It is what it is.

Bandwagon

A friend of mine and myself are on a mission to help shift the paradigm of divorce. Her book is book two in the Get Out of The Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage series.

The book is at the press as I write this. We have been talking about the reception we receive from people who hear our stories and wonder why we have stayed in our marriages.

We both stay for the same reason. We believe it is what God wants us to do, and our husbands "get" us, and let us be us, unconditionally. These type of men are hard to find. It is rare that you meet anyone who lets you be you, let alone someone who is in an intimate relationship with you. Most people want to change their spouses, but we got lucky, we both found men who do not try to keep us from letting our lights shine.

I won't lie and I have said it before that it means more to me to be able to be me in my marriage than anything else I can imagine. More money would be nice, another car, a bigger and better house, but I don't think I could have a better love. My friend feels the same way. She has been married almost 30 years to the same man. I've been with my husband for 25.

No, it has not been easy, but it has been worth it. We both have a calling on our lives and we have been blessed to meet each other. We will be hosting workshops and forums talking about marriage and relationships. The first one will be held at the Public Library in Louisville, KY on 4th, Monday, April 26th at 7 p.m.

Come check it out. For more information email hazelparish@hotmail.com

What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?

My heart has been broken many times. Each time I thought I'd never love again, or be able to meet someone else, or that I wouldn't survive the pain of the heartache. Guess what? I survived each time and the byproduct of a broken heart for me became the ability to long stronger the next time.

I am a risk taker and I usually do it in relationships. I know all I have to give is the love I know how to share. Just because some buster couldn't get me, doesn't mean the next one won't.

There has been all kinds of campaigns to get certain words taken out of the dictionary. The only one I agree with being taken out is the forever. Not because I think the word is bad, but because there is no such thing as forever. Things can happen for what seems to be forever, but no one lives to see forever. So why do we expect our relationships to last forever?

The only forever relationships are those of blood relations. Blood doesn't change, but the heart and mind does. Just because someone says they love you today, doesn't mean they will tomorrow. Nothing last forever.

If your heart is broken, be glad that nothing is forever, that way you'll look forward to feeling differently in the future.

Broken hearts do mend. It takes time and patience and a willingness to do something different. Let go and release yourself from the ties that bind. Allow yourself to heal. Let yourself believe you will be loved again.

Perception is Reality

I never wanted to get married. My parents were volatile verbally and the banter made me nervous. I often felt pending doom and sick at the stomach. My emotional state was harmed greatly by their seemingly natural hate for each other. Although both were very ambitious, and money making minded people, they were on two different paths from the beginning.

They never learned the techniques I learned to use to learn to live with the man I chose, after he chose me. I asked my husband to marry me, so right off the bat I'm sharing with you that I am holding myself accountable for much of the heartache I have suffered living with him over the past 25 years.

The joy I experienced being marriage came a surprise to me. Because we both had some pretty set ideas about family, we could not see ourselves staying together if we were not married. I know my husband married me because he didn't want to lose me, and that is okay with me. I don't want to lose him either. Being able to express the need for each in a safe way has allowed us to be more loving towards each other.

I have learned to become more agreeable. As I searched to find what I thought it really was that kept me from being close to my husband, I found it was the unwillingness to let him have the right to his say and let it be right to him, if that is how he sees. Early in the relationship I was trying to be images I saw around me. It was exhausting and an empty way of live. The movie Revolutionary Road really show how we conform in this country and lose ourselves. I wasn't going to stay on that track.

I was never really on it. I was just "trying" to be an failing miserably. I had to stop and look at me. Most of my misery came from wanting him to be more like me. Admitting this to myself took years, but when I finally stopped it. My life changed. My need to know lessened greatly. I was able to focus on what I needed to do for me, my goals, my dreams, my wishes, hopes, and desires.

You may not believe this, but you can stop some of the things that are holding you back, from holding you back, by simply changing the way you view them. Perception is reality in many ways, especially for women. Sometime just they we think something is, is, until we find out different. When it comes to men, we need to accept we don't know them. They are not like us and thank God! The day I began to perceive my husband as undiscovered territory, someone to watch grow, instead of telling them where to go, someone to share time with, instead of dictating how time will be spent, someone who can tell me something, instead of someone who is incapable of sharing. We get what we look for, every time.