Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Just Be

Don't you just want "be?" Don't you want to have a day where no one bothers you for any reason at any time? I find it almost impossible to find a moment to really be alone. In the early, early hours of the morning is the only time I can really call my own. My family is constantly expecting something from me, on some level.

I cannot blame them. I have billed myself as the go to person in their lives. Yet, I crave a moment where I don't have to be anywhere or do anything for anyone, for any reason. I don't see those days coming too soon, but it is refreshing to realize I know I need time for myself. This means I will take advantage of any time that reveals itself as mine and mine alone.

Since my husband can no longer work, he is at home all the time. We spend a lot of time together. It has turned into true quality time because he no longer has the pressure of making a living hanging over his head. He doesn't "have" to be anywhere for any particular reason, so he focuses on me. This is not a bad thing. As a matter of fact, I am enjoying some of the attention.

He is a lot more attentive and interested in what I am experiencing, whereas before the illness, he was distant and often not around, now he is here all the time and wants to know everything that is going on. He sort of acts like it has been that way all the time. Maybe he was here in spirit and I just couldn't tell. I am glad to see that we haven't tired of each other in the real sense. Even though our taste in TV is different, we compromise. He watches sports all weekend. Since I don't watch TV much it kinda works out. We like the same kinds of music and we both can sleep without the TV going. This was not the case when we first married. He always had to have noise.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when we structure our lives around people and events. When we think we want a family and careers, and lots of everything. We force ourselves into a place that suffocates the us, out of ourselves. We are wife, mother, lover, friend. When do we get to just be?

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