Getting Excited!

I feel an unrest I haven't felt in years. I know something wonderful is about to happen and I am so ready. These last three years have been extremely difficult. It has been apparent my husband was not going to forgive me, as I had done for him. The more I put effort towards reconciliation, he'd do something stupid to mess it up.

I did very well overlooking, ignoring and understanding why he was the way he was. I prayed constantly for God to give me the strength to bear the burden and I did. I did it and I did it well. At times I felt as though my husband was doing things just to see if I would quit. He wanted to see me sweat, but he didn't get the pleasure. I was and am cool.

I did what I did in my marriage so God would get the glory. I wanted to prove that God could work through someone like me, independent, opinionated, and headstrong. God softened my heart, helped me learn to utilize my forgiveness button and gave me the peace I needed to follow through with His will.

My husband was jealous of me. He was upset because he couldn't upset me. He couldn't believe I learned to pick my battles, agree to disagree and love him anyway. He couldn't fathom me not leaving him when I found out he had a girlfriend. He couldn't imagine me taking care of him with the care I did when he was most ill. He would often compliment me on how I handled some of the most difficult bullshit I'll ever deal with in my life.

I'm getting excited because I truly thought I'd be responsible for my husband's well-being for the rest of my life. God freed me and not a moment too soon. Many would say I gave my husband the best years of my life. They just don't know. I have yet to experience the best years. All the years up until now have been earning points for the glorious life just ahead. I am so excited and I just can't hide it.

Death Sentence

My husband will have to go on dialysis. His kidneys are poisoning his body. He sees the process as a death warrant. I told him not to go through it will mean death for sure.

He vomits constantly. You would think he would run to any treatment that would relieve that. No, not him. He'd rather live in denial and pay for it every minute.

I'm so numb. I did all I could not to let myself get to this point and I ended up here anyway. I wanted to feel better about helping him when he needs me, but that won't happen. He had to turn me against him. After 25 years, he still can't accept I love him just because he is alive. He's unhappy with who he is and hates me for seeing more than he is willing to actually be.

What a sad feeling I have sometimes. I saw us doing so much more. Even if he was healthy, he wouldn't be of the mind to do the things I would want to do. Just seeing how he is holding on to his self-destructive ways, while sick, lets me know it is not meant for me to get what I need from him.

He has almost killed himself viewing dialysis as a death sentence. In all reality, this just may be the thing to save his life.

Reluctant

I have been reluctant to come into the new age of technology. Thank God I have a good friend who is becoming and expert more and more everyday. She has taken me under her wing and taught me so much. I am greatful to her.

But, there is still something so unnatural about the Internet. The idea that information can be carried all over the world in seconds, still baffles me, but even more I ask myself why. Why do we need all this?

Well, Facebook has shown me the benefit of its services. Being able to reach out to people in your past is a kick for me. I am such a historian and I love finding out how people got to where they are. I think I'm falling in love.

Just Be

Don't you just want "be?" Don't you want to have a day where no one bothers you for any reason at any time? I find it almost impossible to find a moment to really be alone. In the early, early hours of the morning is the only time I can really call my own. My family is constantly expecting something from me, on some level.

I cannot blame them. I have billed myself as the go to person in their lives. Yet, I crave a moment where I don't have to be anywhere or do anything for anyone, for any reason. I don't see those days coming too soon, but it is refreshing to realize I know I need time for myself. This means I will take advantage of any time that reveals itself as mine and mine alone.

Since my husband can no longer work, he is at home all the time. We spend a lot of time together. It has turned into true quality time because he no longer has the pressure of making a living hanging over his head. He doesn't "have" to be anywhere for any particular reason, so he focuses on me. This is not a bad thing. As a matter of fact, I am enjoying some of the attention.

He is a lot more attentive and interested in what I am experiencing, whereas before the illness, he was distant and often not around, now he is here all the time and wants to know everything that is going on. He sort of acts like it has been that way all the time. Maybe he was here in spirit and I just couldn't tell. I am glad to see that we haven't tired of each other in the real sense. Even though our taste in TV is different, we compromise. He watches sports all weekend. Since I don't watch TV much it kinda works out. We like the same kinds of music and we both can sleep without the TV going. This was not the case when we first married. He always had to have noise.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when we structure our lives around people and events. When we think we want a family and careers, and lots of everything. We force ourselves into a place that suffocates the us, out of ourselves. We are wife, mother, lover, friend. When do we get to just be?

Personal Power

Increase your personal power by:

1. Listening--is the ability to hear what is being said and get the message behind the words. Developing the ability to encourage more information and to successfully understand what is being said. "I hear you saying you are not pleased with your assignment. Could be please tell me exactly what parts of the assignment bother you?"
2. Speaking Clearly and directly--Develop the ability to deliver a clear statement with no hidden messages. We must understand our own feelings and motivations in order to clarify and send direct messages.
3. Verbal and nonverbal congruence--develop the ability to support verbal statements with nonverbal behaviors that deliver the same message. (The look on your face should match what you say."
4. Setting limits--Develop the ability to set priorities and refuse to spend time on things and people that interfere with those priorities.
5. Making requests--Develop the ability to ask clearly, persistently and persuasively for the ting we want.
6. Managing conflict--Develop the ability to sort through the facts, behaviors and feelings of a difficult situation. In managing conflict it is especially important to separate facts from assumptions and present feelings from prior history. Managing conflict is a two-way communication process, and the sender of the message should always wait to hear the perceptions and feelings of the recipient. The next step is to move on to what we want the other person to do.
7. Negotiating--Develop the ability to give and take. Negotiating requires entering situations with a clear idea of what you want and what you don't ant, as well as paying attention to the needs, concerns and interests of the other party.
8. Motivating--Develop the ability to assess what is important to the people around you. Praise, reward, compliments, money, recognition, visibility and feedback are all excellent motivators. It takes observation and assessment to choose the one that best meets the needs of all. The best motivator is to catch people doing the right thing. We are so used to only responding to negative actions, that when someone does something right we tend to ignore them. When we praise them for what they have done right, they are likely to behave in a positive manner again.

People skills can be taught, identified, analyzed, learned and mastered. Practice makes perfect.

BCS-Basic Communication Skills-2

Perception Checking

A second basic skill for understanding the other person is checking with him to make sure that you understand his feelings. This skill complements paraphrasing in that it focuses on the affective aspects of the message rather than ideas. To check you perception of the other's feelings, you describe what you perceive to be his feelings. This description should tentatively identify the other's feelings without expressing approval or disapproval of the feelings and without attempting to interpret or explain the causes of the feelings. Checking the feelings of another conveys this message: "This is how I understand your feelings. Am I accurate?

Understanding the feelings of others is a difficult task. Emotional states express themselves simultaneously in words and in nonverbal behavior such as body movements and physiological changes. Quite often the nonverbal cues are the only accurate source of information available for understanding the other's feelings. Instead of resting your fist inference about the meaning of these ambiguous cues' perception-checking allow you to verify your assumptions about the emotions the other person is experiencing. An additional benefit of perception-checking is that it conveys the idea that you want to understand the other as a person. Thus it has potential for improving interpersonal relations as well as increasing clarity of communication.

Doing Something Different

For months I've had a restless feeling. I've been feeling as though the life I'm living is no longer the life I want to live. The place I live is no longer the place I want to live. I am ready to be around forward thinking people. People who have drive and desire. People who are following their hearts desires. I don't get that here in Louisville, KY. So many are content to live mediocre lives. That just ain't my style.

I have a great opportunity that will make it possible for me to transition out of this state for good. I am ready to do something different.

Effective Communication in Marriage

Marriage is an agreement between two people to love and cherish each other, to financially support each other and the share their entire adults lives with each other. Communication is extremely important because our marriages are usually based on romantic love. Because problems often arise when romantic feelings collide with the daily realities of living together, learning to communicate is important for the survival of the union.

I published the series Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage because the divorce is extremely high in this country. People are leaving their marriages for stupid, often truly unbelievable reasons, devastating their lives and the social order.

Steps for Effective Communication

1. Know yourself: Get to know what your needs are and don't deny them to yourself or your spouse.
2. Watch your body language: Nonverbal communication sometimes speaks louder than words.
3. Empathize: Empathy means you can put yourself in the other person's shoes and feel what they may be feeling. Try to see the world through your spouses eyes.
4. Express your feelings and listen to those of others.
5. Nonjudemental communication: Refrain from blaming and accusing your partner. Try not to judge them. Use compassion as much as possible.

Necessary Factors for Achieving and Maintaining a Good Communication System for Your Marriage

1. Truth: Say what you mean and mean what you say.
2. Trust: Trust is earned.
3. Time: Take time to communicate when it is appropriate and not when you are rushed.
4. Tact: There is a time and place for everything. Remember, this is the person you love. Try to say the right thing, for the right reasons, in the right way.
5. Tone: How you say what needs to be said is very important. Watch the raised voice, yelling, grunting, etc.

Effective Combat

1. Humor is a great equalizer.
2. Stay with the issue at hand. Don't go all over the place confusing your partner with irrelevant information.

DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEMS! KEEP OTHERS OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP (UNLESS IT IS A TRAINED PROFESSIONAL OF COURSE)

Sleep Walking

"To live consciously is to be present in twhat you are doing: to understand how to futher your intersts and goals; to be aware both of the external world and your inner world. No practice is more sefl-empowering--and it is not difficult to see why. Living consciously is both a cause of self-esteem and an effect. The more you live consciously, the more you truat our mind and respect your worth. The more you trust your mind and respect your worth the more natural it feels to live consciously."

Many of us are literally sleep walking through life. We let others dictate how we live and what we do. We work jobs for the money and then are too tired to spend it because we are exhausted from trying to be, trying to, instead of recognizing the important of being a human being, not a human doing.

What is even worse is that most of us don't trust ourselves and it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out why. We have let ourselves down more than anyone else could ever know. It is because we are not conscious we experience this numbness and confusion in our lives.

WAKE UP!

God Bless Us

God Bless Us

I am only one person,
but I am one person.
I can't do everything
but I can do something.
And what I can do,
I ought do do.
And what I ought to do,
by the grace of God
I will do.


We must put for the effort to do all we can with what we have. An attitude of gratitude is the only cure for self-pity.

Clean Slate

I had a conversation with someone that ended with the person stating, "Well, we can now start with a clean slate."

I said, "I know how to do clean slate. That is why I've been married for 25 years."

It is true. Because I am aware of the importance of forgiveness and having a willingness to start over, I have been able to stay married.

You must be willing to let others have another chance.

When I Think Back

Sometimes when I think about how I used to be. The old me, I cringe. I hated my self so much yet I could right poems like this one. I wrote this when I was 15 and at the height of my self-hate:

Like You, You'll Love You

You never want to be who you are.
You look at others and admire then from afar.
You never look at yourself and say,
"I'm the best I can be."
You always look and say,
"I don't like me."

If you don't like yourself, life will always be hard to live.
Just remember you have all God had to give.

Make the best of you,
You are all you've got.
Forget about others and what you're not.

Be yourself and you'll soon see;
that who you are is who you would rather be.

Now that I have really learned to love myself, when I read this poem I am proud of how hopeful and insightful I was at an early age. It is this hope that comes through in this poem that truly kept me alive and wanting to learn how to love myself completely.

I have come to that place and it is heaven on earth.

Dealing

"Coping with whatever comes. We can each be either a victim or a survivor; the choice is up to us. Feeling sorry for ourselves only makes everything harder. In the words of a familiar song, we need to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and start all over again."


We all have a choice to live life or let life live us.

Watching for the Signs

My husband's doctor has told him to be watching for the signs of a stroke. He has has four and because the arteries in his brain are hardening, he will possibly have more, or at least one. The signs are there. His eyesight is failing rapidly. I see the terror in his face every time he reads something.

The poor remote, he has dropped it so often I have complete faith in plastic. It still lives. What is the hardest is his memory loss, or inability to retain. I haven't figured out which is the case, but he most definitely doesn't remember much. It was easy for me to play the victim role and say he was not listening to me, that is why he doesn't hear me. I am finding that whether he listening or not, he may not hear, for he is losing his hearing.

Diabetes have ravaged his body. Diabetes is taking the man I married away from me and all I can do is wait and watch for the signs. I can only hope and pray that however it comes he is spared anymore further pain and suffering. The slow, but sure death he is experiencing is painful to watch, but I am there for him as much as I can be.

I do my best to continue to treat him the same, but it is hard because my heart really does recognize he is not the same man. I'm blaming it on bad genes, bad eating habits and habitual denial of reality. He wouldn't do what he was told to do and now it is too late. So we just watch for the signs.

Perception Ain't Reality

I know I'm harping on whether or not we ever really know someone. After finding out and understanding that we really don't, I feel obligated to remind people of this fact. You will never fully know another person. There are always undeveloped parts, parts they hide, and things you just don't see for whatever reason.

So many people get married thinking they really know something about the person they are married to. All it takes is a few years and you can see in their eyes, "Who is this person?" People change and hopefully grow. People seek and hopefully find.

The best you can do is to accept the person for who they are at the time you are engaged with them, knowing that at any given moment you may be faced with a stranger.

New Book

Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage: Book Two Tony and Hazel is now available. There are a total of three books in the series so far. We have had great attendance at our relationship forums and look forward to doing much more as the year progresses.

Hazel and I met and found we had something in common. We both were in long-term relationships that were failing, in large part due to our inability to get out of our own way. Each of us, in our own way, was prohibiting our own happiness by taking on too much responsibility in the marriage, judging our husbands, and not allowing the the space they needed to grow.

She had just moved to Louisville from California. I had never seen or heard of her, but our lives were almost parallel. We knew we had to write these books. Our books are not about how to fix the other person. Our books are about helping the individual realize they must know what they want before they can have realistic expectations of others. We can only get what we give. That is the way nature planned it.

I know it seems like others may get more, or have more opportunities, but we all have the same opportunity to learn to love and allow ourselves to be loved. Ultimately, this is what the series is about. The books are about long term marriages and how they couples held them together.

If you are interested in the series, please email me at wanda@goosecreekpublishers.com or hazel@goosecreekpublishers.com.

Peace

Starting Over

If you have been reading my blogs, then you are aware that my marriage is raggedy. It has all the scares of a very worn 25 year relationship. Our 21st Wedding Anniversary is on June 25th. April of this year marked 25 years we have been involved with each other.

Even with all the chaos, ups and downs, right and wrongs, I must say I am very proud of the fact we have hung in there. Even with the emotional detachment that has occurred over the past few years, I still feel a deep solidarity and commitment to the married. My marriage has served me well. Being committed to the union has allowed me to mature and grow in ways I would not have had I not been married, or even married to the man I chose.

I told my husband if he wanted to mend the relationship we had to start over. He has to pursue me and regain trust. Surprising, he said, "I completely agree." I was shocked. I just knew he would not want to put forth the effort, but I was wrong. Even though we normally go out 3-4 times a month, I am the one who initiates it. Since the emotional divorce, he has been more forthcoming, more attentive, and is really listening. In the past few weeks, I have caught myself being completely surprised by his actions of thoughtfulness, caring, sharing, and listening.

We as women know they hear us, but we also know they aren't listening. He is listening more and it has made a huge difference in how I deal with him.

What I love about being married most is the fact that the two people involved are the masters of their union. They get to decide who's in, who's out. They get to decide whether to hold on or let go. Neither on of us are quitters and we both know how much more enriched our lives have been because we have maintained our union.

From Which I Receive My Help

"People are not always loyal and grateful....gratitude is rare, we must get used to living only for God and to expect thanks only from Him." St. Mary Euphrasia

This is so true and so hard to do. Because we are human and of flesh, it makes it hard for us to live only for God, who is of spirit. We have to dig deep within ourselves to live only for God. We must relinquish our need to have others be there for us and grateful that we are there for them. We must do what we do because we know it is right and in line with what God mandates for us all.

Once I really understood the above quote, I was no longer unhappy with the way my marriage turned out. I understood I was to do what I had done and continue to do what I feel is right in the marriage. It has been very hard to perservere during many of the circumstances and situations that have presented themselves during my 25 year relationship with my husband.

He has not shown me the respect or love I would have hoped for, but what did happen for me is I grew to understand I didn't need it from him as much, when I learned to love myself more and appreciate my ability to love him despite his inability to love me. I do believe this is what God wants from us, especially in our marriages. Whether he loved me or not, my need for love drove me to find the greatest love of all, love of self.

So many people get married thinking they will be completed in some way. Marriage is just the beginning. Whatever completion of self that happens, happens when one learns to love themselves, not by being loved by someone else.

Lean on your faith in times of dispair. Be honest with yourself and open up to the possibility that if you are unhappy it may because you haven't learned to appreciate, be loyal to and love yourself.

Never Too Late

Have you hurt someone? Have you hurt yourself? It is never too late to forgive. Absolutely never too late.

Use your forgiveness muscle and watch love grow.

Maintaining

I am 48 years old and for the first time in my life I feel a completeness. I have no doubts. I know what I can and cannot do for the most part. I have learned certain aspects of my personality and I have no fear.

Food once controlled my every thought. Now, I sometimes go 12 hours and haven't eaten. Although still overweight, I have weighed the same amount for over 6 years. Yes, I'm maintaining.

I have virtually no debt and have no desire for credit. Unlike my days of old, I no longer fill out credit applications, then get angry when I'm denied. I deny them.

I went to the bank the other day and actually had a little money in there, three days before payday. I'm maintaining.

I will tell you this; it doesn't matter at what age this sense of completeness comes into your life. I would most definitely say, the earlier the better for you, but it really doesn't matter because all we have is the present at any given period, or season of our lives. Feeling like this makes me think I can do anything I want. That is a great feeling to say the least.

Add along with that feeling the street savvy, the business skills, and the ability I have to understand human nature, I am doing it ya'll. I am living.