She Read the Books

I received a message on Facebook from a woman who relocated her from LA. She said she found two of my books in the lobby of Hotel Louisville and wanted to talk to me. I called her and the first question she asked was, "Do you believe in God?"

I was taken aback and replied, "Of course I do. Why would I go against God for something a man did? I believe even more so now. I survived."

On paper my marriage reads like a horror story and in many ways it was. Yet, there were just as many tender, kind and fun moments. That is one of the reason I stayed so long. It really did even out in a lot of ways. In reality, my marriage was not that different than many marriages today. People feel because the marriage is supposed to be based on two people loving each that everything should be fine. What they fail to realize is love is never enough.

Marriage requires agreement and we all know, especially in many black homes, there is not much agreeing going on; not even agreeing to disagree. I find men a lot more willing to be agreeable than women. Most men, in my experience do not like to argue and fight. Sure there are a lot of exceptions to the rule, but I would take the liberty of stating that I believe men are more reasonable when it comes to relationships.

Women, whether black or white tend to want to be right about everything just because they are women. Yes, I will say that about 75% of the time we are right, but rubbing it in and insisting on it only makes you look ugly and unable to be humble when it is required.

The woman who read my books thought I would have turned my back on God because my marriage failed. What she didn't understand, obviously, is that I was living in God's will. There were a lot of things I needed to learn during my marriage and it was important that I did. Throughout the years it got harder and harder, but I was intrigued. I wanted to see what forever looked like for us.

People who give up on God are serving man. I know who is my keeper, my help. I prayed everyday for guidance, understanding and peace. She read the books, but missed the message. She was too busy wondering why I stayed and "put up with him." Anybody whose been married knows the putting up with goes both ways.

It is my desire to educate and inform through my books. Sometimes readers want the ending they desire. Sometimes you have to accept that it is what it is.

It's the Principle of the Thing

My husband and I are not together because he violated basic human principles one time too many. He proved to me that his anti-social behavior is sociopathetic and therefore completely unacceptable in my household.

The day before we separated for good, we were happy as for as I am concerned. Happy for us. I had spent the day with him at the hospital. We had an adventure that turned out to be serendipitous. I write more about this in my third installment in the series, Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage.

Throughout my relationship with my husband I was able to maintain who I was and to stay on course towards who I wanted to be. He, on the other hand, had never charted a course for himself, thus he was adrift. He often marveled at how I was able to remain so consistent in what I believed, and who I am. Year after year, I presented to him the woman I knew myself to be. Year after year, he hated me for it. He would never fail to make comments that revealed the mendacity he felt towards my ability to be authentic in my dealings with him and others.

Six months ago, I learned how awful a person can get when they have no understanding of God. i truly believe God released me from my marriage based on his knowledge of my heart. He knew that who I am could never continue to tolerate someone violating basic human principles. My husband crossed the line and I chose me. It's the principle of the thing.

When God Saves You

It is more than evident many people have the wrong idea of what it means to be saved. First of all, you do not get saved once, not if you are truly human. Oh yes, my friend if you are human you will need saving more than once. That is why we are encouraged to develop a strong relationship with the Holy Spirit which, if we allow it, will guide us throughout our lives.

That place inside of us that is truly unafraid because we know we are loved by God and that is enough. When you get saved it does not mean you will never be burdened or have problems. What it does mean is if you utilize the Holy Spirit you will respond differently to the issues that arise in your life. God will get the glory each time you choose (free will) to rise to your higher self and do the right thing.

When God saves you, the Holy Spirit takes up host in your soul to help with the inevitable spiritual warfare that each of us experience. Peace

Why Things Are So Much More Clearer

I know aging plays a great deal in how clear my thinking has become. time and unforeseen circumstances has taught me well. Knowing that I will most likely never be a wife to my husband again was hard getting used to. Now that I have accepted the truth about who we are to each other and why we are where we are now, I am thrilled about the beauty of it all.

Yes, it is a beautiful thing when any person accepts the truth about their lives. Completely devastated when it first happened, our separation has know become a blessing. I fought so hard to try to help my husband understand the importance of having a spiritual life. It was not my job. Just like I did, it is up to him to develop his own personal relationship with God.

He chose not to lean on God during this time he is in the valley. He spent so many years "doing his thang." He ate what he wanted, smoked what he wanted, drank what he wanted and as much as he wanted. Now, that he has to pay the piper, I have become the enemy. He focused all of his anger and hatred towards me. Somehow, the very person who thought she was saving his soul, was helping to steer his soul towards self-sabotage. He wouldn't have it any other way.

Things are so much more clearer simply because I have let go and let God.

My Relationship With God

Back in 2003, God asked me to allow myself to remain in a humiliating marriage. It was right after my husband had done one of the most horrible things that involved my son. I was heartbroken. It wasn't long after that I became aware he was having an affair.

When I discovered the affair, my husband said, "So, I guess you are going to divorce me?" i immediately thought to myself, 'Yes,' but my mouth said no. My God voice told me to say no. God put it on my heart to stay in the marriage and make an effort to reconcile with my husband. I couldn't believe it. I was literally upset, but I could not say no because I believed with all my heart and soul it was God who was guiding my towards rejuvenating my marriage.

I have been blessed to have been aware of God as young as ten years old. I distinctly remember feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit. I recall feeling light in spirit and truly wishing others well. I have always been the "big picture" type person. I have been blessed to know that there is something greater than me.

My relationship with God has been what has kept in line most of my life. I ignored the Holy Spirit when it came to food. Even though I knew better, I'd eat too much. I was steeped in the sin of gluttony.

The significant thing that has most come out of my listening to God that day I wanted to leave my husband was I began to crave food less. More and more as I was obedient, my desire for certain foods went away. I began working with a personal trainer and the weight began to fall off. Seven years later, I have not gained any weight. As a matter of fact, my entire perception of food have changed. My eating habits have changed tremendously and my body is responding greatly.

I know, had not I had the a relationship with God, and was not obedient, I would not have received this great blessing.

God Loves Me

It is the little things that make up our lives. Those little moments. The tiny kindnesses. The extension of friendship and caring.

God lets me know He loves me in so many ways. The following example may seem simple and small to you, but it has opened me up even more to the glory of God.

I have a wonderful friend who I think highly of. We are like minded in many ways, the most important, we both know how to use our brains.

For a year now, I have been saying I wanted the new Sprint EVO 4G phone. Every time I saw it on TV or someone with it, I would say, "I'm getting that phone."

It cost over $400, but I sincerely felt I would have one soon. Well, my dear friend was out shopping and she found one for an extremely reasonable price. When she called to tell me she found a phone, I was thankful and ready to accept whatever she brought. When I saw it was the exact phone I wanted, I immediately said to her, "God loves me."

God love us all. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to have the things we desire. No matter how hard my life gets I fall back on my deep faith in God. He has cradled and carried me all my life. I am grateful for the friends I do have. They continuously show me the face of God.

God's Will Be Done

The solution! It is clear to me it is God's will my husband and I live in separate spaces. There are many reason this is necessary. My son actually spent the night with his father in his new place. When he came home I asked him, "So, how was the sleepover?"

He had to laugh and so do I. We chuckled for a while and then he said, "He's lonely. Yeah, Ma, I'm trying to change and grow while I'm in my 20's. I have to at least try."

I agreed with him and as we continued to talk about the time he spent with his dad, I felt a tug on my heart. It felt warm and complete. I still got what I wanted most and that was for my husband to have a relationship with his children. I said to my son, "He shoulda been a "babies daddy."

"Shoulda, woulda, coulda, it is too late now." My son said with assurance and we began to mock my stupid statement and laugh. I told my boy how proud I am of him to that he is stepping up and taking care of his dad. He is taking him to surgery today and will pick him up. I am so blessed. I am extremely happy. Whether we are together or not, we are a family. My marriage is traditional is the best sense because it is been driven by God's will.

If I had my way, he would be home with me, but that is not how it can be. God has work to do on him and He can't with me around. My husband doesn't believe enough on a spiritual level, yet. God is working on him. God's will is being done.

God's Will

Sometimes we don't know when something is God's will. When something happens, I no longer question "why," instead I immediately begin to search for God's will. I ask myself, "how can this be used to glorify God?"

The great thing about marriage is it gives us the opportunity to glorify God in so many ways. Marriage is difficult, even when it is good. Tough marriages need prayer and patience. It is foolish to think we know all we need to know to make it through our relationship. We need to constantly seek God's will because it is our nature to try to get what "we" want, whether it is in the best interest of our partner and marriage.

When I began to pray for God's will to be done in my marriage, the marriage became like a third person to me. I could see how marriages could survive in the midst of horrible circumstances. The marriage gives us binds us together while we work on ourselves to become more pleasing to God. Marriage can mask a multitude of sins, for a long time. If the one of the partners is a prayer and can hold on faithfully, things can turn around.

Even though my husband and I are experiencing a severe rough patch, my faith in God tells me, if we want it, we can smooth it out again. The question is now, do we want it?

Why I Feel So Good About Myself

The reason I feel so good about myself is I was actually obedient to God and He held me up throughout a situation that could have taken me down mentally, physically, and spiritually. Instead, in the end, I feel victorious, even though my relationship with my husband did not survive.

God touched me and guided me towards forgiveness when I was on a path towards self-destruction. I was hate-filled, angry and disappointed. I desperately did not want to be a bitter person so I continuously prayed for God's intervention. Not believing in divorce, I had filed and it was torture because I knew God had more for me to do. My worldly thoughts kept me wanting to give up, but God's will was more appealing in the end.

I began a quest to live a life pleasing to God and I knew I had to put forth effort to reconcile and redeem myself with myself husband. Although he noticed the changes I had made, he was so evil he couldn't appreciate the full value of them. He still responded with old behaviors, even though I no longer did.

I feel good about myself because even with those around me thinking I was crazy and telling me what they wouldn't put up with, or asking me why I hadn't left my husband, I held fast to the belief that God had a purpose for it all, and all I had to do was pay attention and allow His will to unfold. I was able to do and now that it is all over, I am free and even happier than I ever thought I'd be.

I won't lie, I miss my husband. I miss taking care of him, loving him, and just having him around. Still, I know how things are, are how they are meant to be and I am content.

I feel good about myself because I am the woman I knew I would be.

WMHTM-6

Marriage taught me the importance of keeping your mouth shut about your relationship. Early in the relationship when I was less emotionally stable, I used to tell people everything. I would cry and complain about my husband to my family and friends, only to find out later that they had no respect for me when I decided I wanted to stay married.

I learned to stop talking to folk. Especially unmarried folk. They don't know and never have anything positive or worthwhile to add.

Don't share your marital problems!

Do Gooder

When people read my book, Get Out of the Way: Claim God's Will for Your Marriage Abigail and Na'bal, they question why I stay in my marriage. After reading the book, The Peacemaker, I have found scripture to help me explain my position:

1 Peter 2:20, 23; 4:19

If you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to Him who judges justly. So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.

When I accepted I had wronged my husband, just as he had wronged me; I decided to forgive him, so that I could be forgiven. At that time, and this, I feel this was God's will. It has been very difficult because my husband has had a hard time turning away from sin. It is in his reflexes to make the wrong choice, wait too long to do the right thing, or to find a way to get over.

I knew God was working through me when I did not feel resentment or hurt when my husband let the enemy guide his choices. At times I knew for sure it was a test of my resolve and I held on. I know God is pleased with me. The signs are clear.

1. I haven't gained weight in seven years. As a matter of fact, I have recently been consistently losing without much effort.
2. My attitude towards life in general has become less stressed filled because I lean on God more than I ever have.
3. I am accountable to God only and it is the most freeing experience. I fear no man.

We must continue to do the right thing whether others/the world feel it is or not. Others judge me by what they would do, I'm leaning towards what Jesus would do.