Quote:
"Negroes want change inside but find it difficult to do so unless things outside are changed as well, it is clear that the simplistic solution of "more education" is meaningless when a society is more attuned to race than it is to academic achievement." Dr. Grier and Dr. Cobbs Black Rage
This quote is powerful, still today. Although this book was written in 1968, it is very relevant today. We as black people have been told that all we have to do is get an education and the doors to success will open up for us. This is not true and never has been. We must change inside to make the world different on the outside. Even white folk have to do that.
It is who we are that keeps us where we're at. Yes, the color of our skin does play a huge roll in our daily lives, whether we recognize or not. Still, we are human and have unlimited potential, especially as black people. Our people survived some of the worse conditions imaginable. We are all miracles times two.
Yet, we have bought into the belief we are subhuman and many of us act this belief out everyday. We are afraid to be who we are, feel our feelings and let it be known that we matter. What us gon do? When will we stop perpetuating the plantation mentality that kept our American African ancestors bound? When will accept that we are a grand people, full of wonder, love and passion? When will we stop the ramped collective self-hate that keeps brother against brother, sister against sister and ourselves in deep spiritual warfare?
We have the knowledge, but we have yet to apply it waiting on the white man to again set us free. Waiting on the white man to love us so we can love ourselves. We are so blind to our brilliance that we don't understand that they already love us. So much so, that they can't sell a car, a burger, a bag of chips, without using our music, our phrases, our style. Why can't we see through their lies? What us gon do?
Showing posts with label self-loathing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-loathing. Show all posts
Friday, December 28, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
When You Can't Love Who You Want
I love my husband completely, but I cannot love him actively. His behavior is completely unacceptable to God and to me. He has done all he can to continue to push his family away, but if you talk to him he doesn't understand why no one wants to be around him.
He simply cannot see how nasty and mean he is. He doesn't recognize the disrespect he harbors for those who are close to him. He just can't accept that he is not a good person, at least not to people he claims to love.
Still, I love him dearly, but I am so glad not to be apart of his self-sabotaging lifestyle anymore. It was torture watching him tear down everything we would try to build. To watch him walk all over the love and respect I did try to have for him. To him not give as much as he could to our children.
When you can't love who you want, you really do have to take a step back and be grateful cause sometimes it is a good thing. Not being with him does not keep me from loving him or from praying for him. I will continue to do both as long as I live.
He simply cannot see how nasty and mean he is. He doesn't recognize the disrespect he harbors for those who are close to him. He just can't accept that he is not a good person, at least not to people he claims to love.
Still, I love him dearly, but I am so glad not to be apart of his self-sabotaging lifestyle anymore. It was torture watching him tear down everything we would try to build. To watch him walk all over the love and respect I did try to have for him. To him not give as much as he could to our children.
When you can't love who you want, you really do have to take a step back and be grateful cause sometimes it is a good thing. Not being with him does not keep me from loving him or from praying for him. I will continue to do both as long as I live.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
The Space I'm In
I'm in a space I really haven't experienced before. I haven't found the words to explain it except to say I know who I am.
I am in control of my mind. As the thoughts come up, I filter them immediately. I am no longer trapped by my feelings and waning moods. I have become able to talk myself out of most bad feelings. This is very surprising to me. I grew up highly sensitive. I experienced high levels of negativity and often perceived most people's responses to me as negative.
Now, I am just the opposite. I rarely, if at all think about what others think about me. If someone does say something negative, I truly feel they have the right to their opinion and do not give it more attention than that. This space I'm in is so perfect in so many ways. The most important is I am aware of the fact that I am aware.
I love the space I'm in.
I am in control of my mind. As the thoughts come up, I filter them immediately. I am no longer trapped by my feelings and waning moods. I have become able to talk myself out of most bad feelings. This is very surprising to me. I grew up highly sensitive. I experienced high levels of negativity and often perceived most people's responses to me as negative.
Now, I am just the opposite. I rarely, if at all think about what others think about me. If someone does say something negative, I truly feel they have the right to their opinion and do not give it more attention than that. This space I'm in is so perfect in so many ways. The most important is I am aware of the fact that I am aware.
I love the space I'm in.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Chronically Ill-13
Lucky 13! This is my last post, for now, regarding my husbands health. I have no idea where he stands as of July 5th, but on that date he had a bleed ulcer on his third toe on his right leg. It will eventually have to be removed. His blood pressure is still a deep issue and he is now taking dialysis.
I did all I could do for him and must admit I am extremely proud of the way I treated him while he was with me. I waited on him hand and foot and made sure he had everything he needed. I did all I could to help him remember his appointments and I went with him to most of them.
I hate to admit it, but he really couldn't stand for me to be so good to him. He knew he was rotten to the core and didn't want to be any different. He freed me from the stress and strain associated with taking care of someone chronically ill. I am most grateful to him for that.
I sincerely would have stayed and seen it to the end, but it was not meant to be. I am not on the same path of self-destruction that he is on. He recognizes that and in his own way he let me go.
I did all I could do for him and must admit I am extremely proud of the way I treated him while he was with me. I waited on him hand and foot and made sure he had everything he needed. I did all I could to help him remember his appointments and I went with him to most of them.
I hate to admit it, but he really couldn't stand for me to be so good to him. He knew he was rotten to the core and didn't want to be any different. He freed me from the stress and strain associated with taking care of someone chronically ill. I am most grateful to him for that.
I sincerely would have stayed and seen it to the end, but it was not meant to be. I am not on the same path of self-destruction that he is on. He recognizes that and in his own way he let me go.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Gluttony: The Overlooked Sin
For years I told myself I didn't go to church because folk were fake, preachers were greedy, etc. As I became more mature spiritually, and began to really look at myself mentally and physically, I realized my soul was not being fed the word it needed to hear. My sin was gluttony. Preachers don't talk about gluttony. We all know why, most of them would have to sit in the audience because they are just as guilty when it comes to eating too much. I have not found a church yet that talks about gluttony in the proper context. The most you hear of it is when the other six deadly sins are mentioned and it is done in passing.
My 14 year old daughter is a glutton. She over-indulges and over-consumes food. The word gluttony derives from the Latin word gluttire which means to gulp down or swallow food, drink, or intoxicants to the point of waste.
At over 350 pounds, she is not only wasting food, but her life. She has been to many doctors, specialists, etc. They have wanted to insist she has been molested, or has low-self-esteem, neurotic, on and on. The real story? She eats too much and moves too less.
She has become addicted to food. When she was born, she was the smallest baby I had. I breast fed her and she ballooned within weeks. I knew the fat cells were ripe, so I purposely did not introduce table food to her. She was 2.5 years old before she had any spiced foods. It was my mother who could not stand the fact the child was almost three and never had "real food." She was the one to introduce her. I will never forget. It was Thanksgiving and we had all the trimmings. I came into the dining room and my mother had her on her lap feeding her. After the first bite, she was hooked. My mom was not feeding her fast enough, so my little future glutton, took both hands and grabbed the hot food stuffing it into her mouth.
Whenever a therapist asks me why I feel she is the way she is, I tell them this story. Her problem is like that of many of us, we eat too much, too often and at the wrong times. When allowed to prepare her own meals she always makes enough for three which she will promptly sit down and eat alone. When you confront her, she simply says, "I wanted that much."
If I feel guilty about anything, it is not knowing the effects of the white sugar, white pasta, white bread, would have on her body. She is insulin resistant which adds to her addiction because this disease makes you feel hungry all the time. Since I've gotten rid of the white stuff, she doesn't ask for food as much between meals. Still, she eats too much of the good stuff. So, I can buy strawberries and she'll use them all in a smoothie, or sit and eat out of the bag the grapes come in, instead of counting out the ten she should have which is equivalent to a serving size.
I remember clearly when I realized I was addicted to food. Having worked on a lot of my issues and feeling more balanced than I ever have, I still found myself eating too much. It was different than before because it wasn't triggered eating, but more of a habitual eating. So I clearly understood that even though I had worked out some of the emotions that were making me run to food, I had keep the habit of running to food with or without the emotions behind it. I was addicted and I had to work on that.
Seven years later I can say I have successful combated the food addiction that threatened my life. I no longer snack all the time and I can actually eat half a candy bar, or cookie. I can pass up stuff I would have "had to have a taste of." I conquered my misplaced desire for food.
I have hope for my daughter, or surgery which ever works before her 18th birthday. I am seeking an African-American therapist for her. The ones she has had in the past were not culturally equipped to deal with me as her parent. She is much more assimilated than I am which throws them off when they talk to me. Their passive aggressive way of dealing with her let her off the hook too much for my taste.
Gluttony is a sin. St. Gregory the Great, a doctor of the Church wrote of five ways one can commit the sin of gluttony:
1) Eating before the time of meals in order to satisfy the palate.
2) Seeking delicacies and better quality of food to gratify the "vile sense of taste."
3) Seeking after sauces and seasonings for the enjoyment of the palate.
4) Exceeding the necessary amount of food.
5)Taking food with too much eagerness, even when eating the proper amount, and even if the food is not luxurious.
Food is to the body, like gas is to an automobile, fuel. It is not meant to replace sex, or soothe angry feelings, or be our friend in times of need. Food kills just as many, or more than cigarettes, drink, or drugs. Gluttony is a sin.
My 14 year old daughter is a glutton. She over-indulges and over-consumes food. The word gluttony derives from the Latin word gluttire which means to gulp down or swallow food, drink, or intoxicants to the point of waste.
At over 350 pounds, she is not only wasting food, but her life. She has been to many doctors, specialists, etc. They have wanted to insist she has been molested, or has low-self-esteem, neurotic, on and on. The real story? She eats too much and moves too less.
She has become addicted to food. When she was born, she was the smallest baby I had. I breast fed her and she ballooned within weeks. I knew the fat cells were ripe, so I purposely did not introduce table food to her. She was 2.5 years old before she had any spiced foods. It was my mother who could not stand the fact the child was almost three and never had "real food." She was the one to introduce her. I will never forget. It was Thanksgiving and we had all the trimmings. I came into the dining room and my mother had her on her lap feeding her. After the first bite, she was hooked. My mom was not feeding her fast enough, so my little future glutton, took both hands and grabbed the hot food stuffing it into her mouth.
Whenever a therapist asks me why I feel she is the way she is, I tell them this story. Her problem is like that of many of us, we eat too much, too often and at the wrong times. When allowed to prepare her own meals she always makes enough for three which she will promptly sit down and eat alone. When you confront her, she simply says, "I wanted that much."
If I feel guilty about anything, it is not knowing the effects of the white sugar, white pasta, white bread, would have on her body. She is insulin resistant which adds to her addiction because this disease makes you feel hungry all the time. Since I've gotten rid of the white stuff, she doesn't ask for food as much between meals. Still, she eats too much of the good stuff. So, I can buy strawberries and she'll use them all in a smoothie, or sit and eat out of the bag the grapes come in, instead of counting out the ten she should have which is equivalent to a serving size.
I remember clearly when I realized I was addicted to food. Having worked on a lot of my issues and feeling more balanced than I ever have, I still found myself eating too much. It was different than before because it wasn't triggered eating, but more of a habitual eating. So I clearly understood that even though I had worked out some of the emotions that were making me run to food, I had keep the habit of running to food with or without the emotions behind it. I was addicted and I had to work on that.
Seven years later I can say I have successful combated the food addiction that threatened my life. I no longer snack all the time and I can actually eat half a candy bar, or cookie. I can pass up stuff I would have "had to have a taste of." I conquered my misplaced desire for food.
I have hope for my daughter, or surgery which ever works before her 18th birthday. I am seeking an African-American therapist for her. The ones she has had in the past were not culturally equipped to deal with me as her parent. She is much more assimilated than I am which throws them off when they talk to me. Their passive aggressive way of dealing with her let her off the hook too much for my taste.
Gluttony is a sin. St. Gregory the Great, a doctor of the Church wrote of five ways one can commit the sin of gluttony:
1) Eating before the time of meals in order to satisfy the palate.
2) Seeking delicacies and better quality of food to gratify the "vile sense of taste."
3) Seeking after sauces and seasonings for the enjoyment of the palate.
4) Exceeding the necessary amount of food.
5)Taking food with too much eagerness, even when eating the proper amount, and even if the food is not luxurious.
Food is to the body, like gas is to an automobile, fuel. It is not meant to replace sex, or soothe angry feelings, or be our friend in times of need. Food kills just as many, or more than cigarettes, drink, or drugs. Gluttony is a sin.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Poor Child
My poor son really thinks his being anger with me matters to me. It does not. He is angry because I told him I was disappointed he graduated with D's. He could have applied himself so much more, but instead used school as a networking and social avenue. It meant more to him to be liked and popular than to use his wonderful brain and learn and grow. He cannot take criticism, but has done little to warrant much more. Poor child, he's mad. I'll tell him like to old schooler's told us, "he'd better scratch his ass and get glad." Glad for the type of mother who allows their children to process and self-regulate.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Chronic Illness-3
Since my husband has been taking his mediation, he has been sleeping a lot better. He still has problems breathing because fluid is building up in his body. He somehow keeps ignoring the fact he is in kidney failure.
Even though he threw up blood Weds, Thurs, and Friday of last week, he still can somehow overlook the fact. I cannot. It is getting to me. More and more I am turned off by his lack of self-care. It is very unattractive.
He never asks me how I'm doing in relation to what he's going through. He really does have the expectation that I will take care of him. I can see there is no doubt in his mind. My problem is I think he thinks I'm supposed to WANT to do it. Yes, I vowed to, but I don't want to.
I can't stand throw up, especially not bloody throw up, but he'll do it and leave the pan in the middle of the floor like he has someone to empty it for him. I finally had to say something because I'm not a nurse and I don't have the stomach for the whole thing. I'm okay with talking to him about his feelings, when he can recognize them, but all the rest is not for me. I don't mind making sure he eats right and has what he needs, but I am not a nurse. I cannot successfully make myself grin and bear it. It makes me sick to see him sick.
Chronic illness is torture for both the ill person and the ones that live with them.
Even though he threw up blood Weds, Thurs, and Friday of last week, he still can somehow overlook the fact. I cannot. It is getting to me. More and more I am turned off by his lack of self-care. It is very unattractive.
He never asks me how I'm doing in relation to what he's going through. He really does have the expectation that I will take care of him. I can see there is no doubt in his mind. My problem is I think he thinks I'm supposed to WANT to do it. Yes, I vowed to, but I don't want to.
I can't stand throw up, especially not bloody throw up, but he'll do it and leave the pan in the middle of the floor like he has someone to empty it for him. I finally had to say something because I'm not a nurse and I don't have the stomach for the whole thing. I'm okay with talking to him about his feelings, when he can recognize them, but all the rest is not for me. I don't mind making sure he eats right and has what he needs, but I am not a nurse. I cannot successfully make myself grin and bear it. It makes me sick to see him sick.
Chronic illness is torture for both the ill person and the ones that live with them.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Passing Us By
Someone I met two weeks ago was murdered, yes literally gunned down, a few days ago.
I experienced a feeling I hadn't in a long time. Where I grew up, it was common place to see someone one day, and they would be dead the next. It is a horrible feeling a hadn't had in many, many years.
The other day when I saw the person on the news, that feeling hit me. That feeling of the reality that for many, life is just passing them by. That young man gave his life away. For the most part, he was a hard working family man, but there was a side of him that craved the streets. What he didn't know is the streets are hungry too.
Peace dear brother.
I experienced a feeling I hadn't in a long time. Where I grew up, it was common place to see someone one day, and they would be dead the next. It is a horrible feeling a hadn't had in many, many years.
The other day when I saw the person on the news, that feeling hit me. That feeling of the reality that for many, life is just passing them by. That young man gave his life away. For the most part, he was a hard working family man, but there was a side of him that craved the streets. What he didn't know is the streets are hungry too.
Peace dear brother.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Mean Spirit
There is a mean spirit in my household. My husband is unable to be kind when he is experiencing a bad day. He snaps, accuses, yells, and is generally grumpy.
It's getting old.
It's getting old.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Damaged Soul
The work I do, working with emotionally challenged teen aged females, has afforded me the knowledge that sometimes the damage is done and there is no looking back.
This is the case with my husband. At 50 years old, he is just as lost and unstable as he was 10, 15, 20 years ago.
He has never sought the help needed to deal with the spiritual warfare he has been in for years. He has such a mean spirit and it shows itself at the wrong time all the time. He has low impulse control, and is unable to accept when he is wrong, especially when he is wrong. He immediately projects unto others, that which is clearly his and feels that he deserves grace, whether he is willing to give it or not.
Even though he is very sick, I do not bite my tongue with him. While he is alive he needs to try to be a better person. And yes, I do feel I am in his life to be mirror for some of his madness. I have no problem reflecting what he projects so he can see how ugly he can be at times.
I really think things have been going too well for him. He can't stand things going right. It never fails that he does something stupid to mess everything up. He is such a damaged soul.
This is the case with my husband. At 50 years old, he is just as lost and unstable as he was 10, 15, 20 years ago.
He has never sought the help needed to deal with the spiritual warfare he has been in for years. He has such a mean spirit and it shows itself at the wrong time all the time. He has low impulse control, and is unable to accept when he is wrong, especially when he is wrong. He immediately projects unto others, that which is clearly his and feels that he deserves grace, whether he is willing to give it or not.
Even though he is very sick, I do not bite my tongue with him. While he is alive he needs to try to be a better person. And yes, I do feel I am in his life to be mirror for some of his madness. I have no problem reflecting what he projects so he can see how ugly he can be at times.
I really think things have been going too well for him. He can't stand things going right. It never fails that he does something stupid to mess everything up. He is such a damaged soul.
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