Saturday, March 10, 2012

What I Am Going Through

I am experiencing joy everyday. I was asked a very valid question the other day by someone who is interested in getting to know me. My response was literally without a moments hesitation.

"If we were to find we wanted to be together, wouldn't you feel as though you were going against your marriage vows?"

"No, God has truly released me from my marriage. I am free to choose."

Seven months ago you could not have told me that would have come out of my mouth. I have said, and it is true, I was completely committed to my long-term union to the man I married, even though we have been unevenly yoked from the moment we laid eyes on each other.

I stayed the course because I understand that the duties are ours to follow, but the outcome is up to God. I have believe and trusted this all my life. I fully understand that we have to do the work, whether we get what we want in the end or not.

Sad, but true, I needed my marriage to be the woman I am today. I would have never been who I am today, had I not learned how to love, even when I didn't want to. Those folk who have love easy, only reach the Masters level. I have a PhD in loving cause I loved the devil.

I am going through a rapid period of growth. God is helping me strip myself of petty beliefs I was still harboring and that could have held me back in the future. I just experienced something I was sure I never would. It was good, but not right for me. I will continue being open to eradicating myself of the bullshit that keeps me from being the person I can.

What I am going through is amazing to me. God has done me such a wonderful turn. At 50, I almost literally have a clean slate. My children fully understand I plan to make some drastic changes in my lifestyle once my 15 year old is on her way to college. We talk about college everyday. She knows what she has to do.

What I am going through is exhilarating! I feel like I can do anything. I remember how it was just the opposite when I graduated high school. I remember crying to my mentor/friend/cousin Ella Gee, "I don't feel prepared to do anything." Boy, was I wrong. I had given so much thought to the path I wanted to take in life. Had done so much preparation, took advantage of every opportunity that came my way and by the age of 45, I had realized all my personal goals.

Now, at 50 I sit and seek God's will. He gave me what I wanted, which I believe was His will also, but there is something more. I know it.

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