Why I Only Have 18 Posts Thus Far

I have really been living! Things have truly been happening. For a few months my phone was ringing off the hook. I have been doing things and meeting people, but most of all, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

It took to me almost eight months to tell my husband that we would no longer be intimate. I knew that the day we parted, but I didn't tell him. It has been that hard to accept my marriage is over. It has taken me all this time to say what I had to say and not cry throughout the whole process. I still cried at the end, but I got it all out.

It's all there. I know where to go to get the strength to continue to be the best I can be. I have the ability to protect myself and I must accept responsibility for that fact.

I simply haven't posted because I've been too busy living.

Peace

What I Am Going Through

I am experiencing joy everyday. I was asked a very valid question the other day by someone who is interested in getting to know me. My response was literally without a moments hesitation.

"If we were to find we wanted to be together, wouldn't you feel as though you were going against your marriage vows?"

"No, God has truly released me from my marriage. I am free to choose."

Seven months ago you could not have told me that would have come out of my mouth. I have said, and it is true, I was completely committed to my long-term union to the man I married, even though we have been unevenly yoked from the moment we laid eyes on each other.

I stayed the course because I understand that the duties are ours to follow, but the outcome is up to God. I have believe and trusted this all my life. I fully understand that we have to do the work, whether we get what we want in the end or not.

Sad, but true, I needed my marriage to be the woman I am today. I would have never been who I am today, had I not learned how to love, even when I didn't want to. Those folk who have love easy, only reach the Masters level. I have a PhD in loving cause I loved the devil.

I am going through a rapid period of growth. God is helping me strip myself of petty beliefs I was still harboring and that could have held me back in the future. I just experienced something I was sure I never would. It was good, but not right for me. I will continue being open to eradicating myself of the bullshit that keeps me from being the person I can.

What I am going through is amazing to me. God has done me such a wonderful turn. At 50, I almost literally have a clean slate. My children fully understand I plan to make some drastic changes in my lifestyle once my 15 year old is on her way to college. We talk about college everyday. She knows what she has to do.

What I am going through is exhilarating! I feel like I can do anything. I remember how it was just the opposite when I graduated high school. I remember crying to my mentor/friend/cousin Ella Gee, "I don't feel prepared to do anything." Boy, was I wrong. I had given so much thought to the path I wanted to take in life. Had done so much preparation, took advantage of every opportunity that came my way and by the age of 45, I had realized all my personal goals.

Now, at 50 I sit and seek God's will. He gave me what I wanted, which I believe was His will also, but there is something more. I know it.

The Closer I Get to Me

These past few months have been life changing. Being in human being mode has been exactly what I have needed. I have been doing for others so long that I could feel my human being screaming out to be loved. I needed to love myself. I needed to be there for myself. I need to stand up for my inner child, love her and shut her up. For years she ruined my life with her impulsive behaviors with food.

Now that I have gotten closer to me, I do not have to use food as a buffer between me and the world. I am completely unafraid to stand up for myself and the woman I want to be. For so long, I ran from my personal power. Like so many victims, I kept wanting to blame someone else, so someone else could fix me.

Oh what a blessing the day I accepted that I was perfect the way I am and that only through self-acceptance would I ever be able to live the full life God has intended. Part of me wants to rush out into the world like a bright-eyed teenager. I really feel like there is nothing I can't do if I put my mind to it. I feel like life is beckoning for me to search out the love I feel I need so that I can give the love I desire to share.

The closer I get to me, the more I see how wonderful of a human being I can be.

Why I Survived Hell

In many ways, my marriage was hell. I did what so many women do and married my mother, father and child molester. My husband was a great candidate to continue to not give me what I needed most, to be loved.

My parents had some serious issues. They both were keeper's of secrets and deniers of their reality. Even though their intent was to create a home life. They created hell instead. Because they married due to my mother being pregnant with me, I was born into a situation that called for me to be treated badly because I reminded them both of the bad decision they made to have unprotected sex.

I survived the hell of my childhood upbringing, and later a 26 year crazy marriage because I never lost my personal integrity. "Women who love too much have little regard for their personal integrity in a love relationship," according to Robin Norwood, author of the 1986 groundbreaking book, "Women Who Love Too Much."

This book deals with the very true reality that many women who come from dysfunctional homes tend to seek out the same abuse within their love relationships. Even though I entered into my marital relationship seeking the love I did not receive as a child, as I matured, I was able to heal myself because unlike many other women, I held tight to my personal integrity.

My husband would tell me often he was proud of how I never give up on my convictions, beliefs, morals and values. After being together for 20 years, he congratulated me for the fact that I never backed down. I did not (not even under the tremendous pressure he put me under), change or alter what I believed in to try to keep or please him. As a matter of fact, if he got too out of hand, I'd put him out, rather than give an inch when it came to my person integrity.

I survived hell because I stood up to the devil, instead of giving in to the many ways he tried to lure me. My marriage taught me I am strong and capable of great love, especially self-love. I survived hell, because I kept Heaven on my mind.

More and More

I am adapting to being by myself very well. I no longer feel like I missing someone. Glad that feeling didn't last long. I am so ready to do something else. Life is opening up just fine. I feel confident I am on the right path.

I don't think I'll ever live with another man. It is just too hard. They are so different from us (females). I have learned that what bothers me most about them, is their maleness and they can't help being male, no more than I can being female. The only solution is for me to keep my distance.

Even though I am a lover, I don't have to have my lover under the covers with me every night. I like sleeping alone. I like not having to consider someone else when I want to turn over or move a lot. I can do me.

I am so grateful for the experience my marriage has given me, but most of all the self-awareness and self-knowledge has been most beneficial. I won't make the same mistakes with other men that I did with my husband because more and more I am coming into my own appreciating and valuing myself.

In God's Time

I am so glad God is in control. I am even more happier about the fact I am a naturally patient and long-suffering person. Being this way, and walking by faith has allowed me to realize all my dreams and goals.

I am making some huge changes in my life and doors are opening up daily. I am open to whatever God has in store for me and it looks like it is going to be the entertainment field. It keeps calling me. Although I do sing, act, and dance, it is not my passion. Helping others achieve their goals is truly my passion. So, I see myself headed towards promotions and advertising.

I have recently got on board with a local entertainment company and it feels good. I know it is right and I am going to give it my all. Things are opening up and I am ready.

Thank you God! Thank you for keeping me, guiding me and saving me.

The Space I'm In

I'm in a space I really haven't experienced before. I haven't found the words to explain it except to say I know who I am.

I am in control of my mind. As the thoughts come up, I filter them immediately. I am no longer trapped by my feelings and waning moods. I have become able to talk myself out of most bad feelings. This is very surprising to me. I grew up highly sensitive. I experienced high levels of negativity and often perceived most people's responses to me as negative.

Now, I am just the opposite. I rarely, if at all think about what others think about me. If someone does say something negative, I truly feel they have the right to their opinion and do not give it more attention than that. This space I'm in is so perfect in so many ways. The most important is I am aware of the fact that I am aware.

I love the space I'm in.

No Harm, No Foul

I'm done with it. My whole marriage, that is. I'm done with thinking about it, wanting to talk about, or even feel about it.

I was asked, "do you feel like you've been scarred?"

"No, because I have accepted my role in the demise of the marriage. I spent the last seven years repenting and trying to redeem myself for the wrongs I have committed."

This is true. When I filed for divorce back in 2004, I began to look at myself and deal with the problems I presented in the marriage. By doing so, I was able to take more responsibility for the fact it was ended, but I also became more compassionate towards my husband.

I decided I wanted to try to reconcile. I presented the idea to him and he agreed but he didn't really mean it. He has never forgiven me for anything I've done to him even though I have done all I could to right my wrongs.

Now that I am free and in one piece I'm done with all that drama. When I think of him and a negative thought pops in my head, I pray for him and ask God to keep him and guide him. I only think of the good memories, if I allow myself to think about him at all.

Tomorrow, August 1, 2011, begins a new era in my life. My marriage gave me the confidence to be the woman I want to be. I am risk taker, a lover of life, a child of God, and a giver of love. I am at peace and feel blessed to be alive and thankful for the opportunity to learn how to love the hard way.

No harm, no foul, I survived living and sleeping with the devil with a minor scratch. I'm good!

WMHTM-10

Marriage taught me how to be compassionate. Since my husband had such an issue maturing, I had a hard time feeling compassion for him. I felt if I could do it, he could too. I had no compassion for how he was raised, his plight in life, or his limitations. I loved him, so he should be perfect.

Marriage made me look at my perfectionism and rid myself of it. Marriage helped me know that no one is like me and that I should be grateful and spend time working on my problems, finding ways to keep my limitations from holding me back, and doing what I could to grow and become the person I knew I was meant to be.

I had to learn to love my husband where he was, no matter what I thought of it. I had to live and let live.

What Marriage Has Taught Me

The most important lesson I've learned from being married is you must maintain your own identity. Women run from marriage when they realize they don't know who they are. They have spent most of their lives doing for others. Being the point person for others, slowly losing who they are in the process.


The divorce rate is highest amongest the age group between 35-55. These women have did all they could to be the best they could, only to find they were not appreciated and often thought of as obsolete in many ways. As their children prepare to leave home, or no longer need them as much, these women find themselves with husbands they do not know.

The years of going through the motions have left them lost. I figure this out early in my marriage and made it a point not to let the marriage end with regrets. Whether death did us part, or we did, I made sure I maintained my identity.

What They Say

I am not a conformist. In no way, by no means, do I feel compelled to do "what they say."

As long as I believe I am in within God's perfect will for my life, "what they say," has no bearing. We it see it happening everyday. Those among us who have been told they'll never make it, or they don't have what it takes; make it.

Making it means different things to different people. I truly feel I have made it in life because I have realized all the dreams and goals I had for myself, and have lived long enough and authentic enough to reap the blessings God had in store for me also. I can truly say I have never thought of money in terms of being successful and I am most proud of the 16 year old who knew that money can only buy things. I knew back then, that money could not replace peace of mind.

Today, I have plenty of peace of mind and no money and yes, I have the nerve to be happy. I am happy because I know that by not listening to "what they say," you have a greater chance of hearing what you say and maybe even what God has to say, if you are so inclined.

I refuse to beat myself up because I don't need much. I don't care what they say; I just gotta be me and if being me keeps me from being a part of "what they say" is cool, so be it. I still have me and that my dear is no small audience. I'm gonna have my say.

It Is Hard

We all want the best for ourselves. None of us want to be miserable, unloved, unlovable, but many of us are. We want to think it has to do with others, but if we took the time to look at ourselves we would discover it is hard to be good to ourselves, especially if we are women.

I have made a promise to myself I intend to keep. For the most part, I have maintained a healthy lifestyle. I don't drink alcohol, or do drugs. I monitor who I spend time with, I have designed a life that suits my personality, which allows me to experience very little stress. Yet, I find it hard to do what is in my best interest. Not because I don't want to deep down, but because it is hard to change and evolve.

We can get so comfortable with our lives whether they are good or bad. We are creatures of habit and would rather things stay the same, rather than have to adjust to change. Years ago I recognized how mentally unhealthy unwillingness to change can be. I began purposely transforming myself because I wanted to be open to life and all it has to offer. I am successful as I am because I stopped long enough to examine me. I accepted my limitations and focused on my strengths and I was able to make changes and adjustments that allows me to experience lower levels of stress.

It is hard to be the people we think we want to be, but it is so worth the effort. There is a peace that comes with effort we often overlook. We all desire to be useful, but rarely think about if we are being useful to ourselves. Although it is hard, looking at yourself is the only freedom you really have. Knowing you are good and doing good is it's own reward. Do the hard thing, which is usually the right thing. Peace

So Glad

I am so glad to be me. I can remember when I was afraid the world wouldn't accept me, so I kept to myself. I always felt it was okay to be me, I just think didn't anyone else could understand me, and I was right to a great extent. People don't get me. They always seem to be puzzled by the way I express myself, how I walk, how I talk, how I move.

It never fails that after I meet someone and talk to them for 15 minutes, they're saying, "I thought you where this, that or the other."

I am so glad I now know they don't have to get me. People don't have to like me. They don't have to love me. They just have to leave me alone and I will do the same for them. I think people spend too much time caring about what other people think. You can be assured, ten minutes after folk leave your funeral, they'll be going on with their lives like you never existed. Be glad for you and live you life. Other folk sure will.

Chronically Ill-5

He did go, but he did not have the procedure. I had to really let go and let God because it was very upsetting to me to see how unwilling he was to save his own life. They sent him home that day and told him they would contact later. They got a hold of him yesterday and even set up an appointment which he literally begged out loud not to happen. Even though he went, there is a part of him that is so fearful that keeps entertaining not taking dialysis, which will translate into death for sure. I have become silent and have very little to add when he asks me what I think. I just don't want to make matters any worse. It is more than obvious we have different views on personal health care. I am blessed to have learned some things in my 30's, that are benefiting me now when I truly need it the most. He is not the only person in my life unwilling to live a healthy lifestyle and do what is needed to keep themselves alive. I see self-hate in almost every face I look in and it is tragic. He tried to be surprised when I said, "And when I pray for you." He stopped me with, "You pray for me?" "Of course I pray for you." I went on with what I was saying. There was no point into going off into the prayer thing. he knows. We'll he is supposed to have the surgery on Thursday. Stay tuned.

Poor Child

My poor son really thinks his being anger with me matters to me. It does not. He is angry because I told him I was disappointed he graduated with D's. He could have applied himself so much more, but instead used school as a networking and social avenue. It meant more to him to be liked and popular than to use his wonderful brain and learn and grow. He cannot take criticism, but has done little to warrant much more. Poor child, he's mad. I'll tell him like to old schooler's told us, "he'd better scratch his ass and get glad." Glad for the type of mother who allows their children to process and self-regulate.

I Do

I do think highly of myself. Yes, I really do. I know what I have had to overcome and is still overcoming everyday. I also know folk who haven't experienced I 1/3 of what I have and have killed themselves. I am beyond a survivor, I have learned how to live.

I have wanted to be a writer since I was 10 years old. I remember telling my classmates my plans back in the fourth grade. Of course they all told me I wouldn't be going anywhere and most definitely would not be famous. When I went to high school, I found I was multi-talented. A triple threat and some if I may say so myself. I sing, dance, act, write, perform stand-up, cook, publish. I have lived the life I knew I would. Even in high school, I didn't view having money as being successful. I knew I would be successful if I got the chance to live they way I always dreamed of and that is being at peace in every situation.

I knew back then that doing what I loved was all that really mattered. I knew of people who were miserable on their jobs, but felt trapped, or were uneducated, or really just had no desire to go beyond what felt comfortable at the time. My ambitious spirit never lets me rest and I do feel it has been a great asset, but I have also recognized how it could take me down, if I let it.

I do feel good about the fact I learned that maintaining a balanced life is the best way to get the best out of life. I actually fill great about the fact I learned this in my thirties and was able to practice it to the point I could see the benefits in my life. I do feel some pride over tackling the devil within and showing her up to be the liar she is. There was something deeply self-destructive inside of me. I purged her and yes, I do feel good about that.

Learning more about me has helped to save my marriage. I found I didn't care about a lot of things I once thought I did, so therefore there was no need to argue or have discord over stuff that doesn't matter. Of course this made me much easier to get along and live with. All these little things added up and now I can say without a doubt, I do have myself together.

You

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." Janis Joplin

I know, I know. She killed herself with drugs, but that doesn't mean she didn't have something worthwhile to say. She was right, which she learned; if you compromise yourself, you may not be able to comeback from whatever you gave yourself up to.

It is important we recognize when we are compromising ourselves. There are times when compromise is necessary, especially in marriage, but even then there are limitations. What is happening is many people give up so much of who they are without any true understanding of what they are giving up. Then, when they go inside themselves they find nothingness and loneliness. They look up and everyone they have given to have taken and gone. They are left to figure out how to get what they need. Oftentimes, they have to do without because they have compromised too much. When you lay down for people, they have a hard time when you try to get up on your feet.

Know who you are. Know why you want and need. Find a way to get it and learn to say no.

Personal Power

Increase your personal power by:

1. Listening--is the ability to hear what is being said and get the message behind the words. Developing the ability to encourage more information and to successfully understand what is being said. "I hear you saying you are not pleased with your assignment. Could be please tell me exactly what parts of the assignment bother you?"
2. Speaking Clearly and directly--Develop the ability to deliver a clear statement with no hidden messages. We must understand our own feelings and motivations in order to clarify and send direct messages.
3. Verbal and nonverbal congruence--develop the ability to support verbal statements with nonverbal behaviors that deliver the same message. (The look on your face should match what you say."
4. Setting limits--Develop the ability to set priorities and refuse to spend time on things and people that interfere with those priorities.
5. Making requests--Develop the ability to ask clearly, persistently and persuasively for the ting we want.
6. Managing conflict--Develop the ability to sort through the facts, behaviors and feelings of a difficult situation. In managing conflict it is especially important to separate facts from assumptions and present feelings from prior history. Managing conflict is a two-way communication process, and the sender of the message should always wait to hear the perceptions and feelings of the recipient. The next step is to move on to what we want the other person to do.
7. Negotiating--Develop the ability to give and take. Negotiating requires entering situations with a clear idea of what you want and what you don't ant, as well as paying attention to the needs, concerns and interests of the other party.
8. Motivating--Develop the ability to assess what is important to the people around you. Praise, reward, compliments, money, recognition, visibility and feedback are all excellent motivators. It takes observation and assessment to choose the one that best meets the needs of all. The best motivator is to catch people doing the right thing. We are so used to only responding to negative actions, that when someone does something right we tend to ignore them. When we praise them for what they have done right, they are likely to behave in a positive manner again.

People skills can be taught, identified, analyzed, learned and mastered. Practice makes perfect.

Remaining True

It is so important to remain true to yourself. So many people give up themselves for others. The deny their needs, but have expectations that others will meet them. You must be true to yourself. If you don't love and take care of you; you can't expect others to do it. It is just not realistic.

What is real is being the most authentic person you can be. Life is much too short to sit and wait for someone else to get it. Other folk are looking out for them. You need to do the same for you.

Bandwagon

A friend of mine and myself are on a mission to help shift the paradigm of divorce. Her book is book two in the Get Out of The Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage series.

The book is at the press as I write this. We have been talking about the reception we receive from people who hear our stories and wonder why we have stayed in our marriages.

We both stay for the same reason. We believe it is what God wants us to do, and our husbands "get" us, and let us be us, unconditionally. These type of men are hard to find. It is rare that you meet anyone who lets you be you, let alone someone who is in an intimate relationship with you. Most people want to change their spouses, but we got lucky, we both found men who do not try to keep us from letting our lights shine.

I won't lie and I have said it before that it means more to me to be able to be me in my marriage than anything else I can imagine. More money would be nice, another car, a bigger and better house, but I don't think I could have a better love. My friend feels the same way. She has been married almost 30 years to the same man. I've been with my husband for 25.

No, it has not been easy, but it has been worth it. We both have a calling on our lives and we have been blessed to meet each other. We will be hosting workshops and forums talking about marriage and relationships. The first one will be held at the Public Library in Louisville, KY on 4th, Monday, April 26th at 7 p.m.

Come check it out. For more information email hazelparish@hotmail.com