When God Calls You

Seven years ago I got the shock of my life in two ways. I got an investor who gave me money to open my publishing company and my husband began an affair. I was in between being the happiest and the sadest I've ever been. When I confronted my husband about the toher woman, he said, "Well, I guess you want me to move out."

I immediately heard my God voice tell me to say "No." I heard my mouth say no, and immediately went into the bedroom to ask God what was going on.When you are truly called by God, and are open to it and accept it; you are compelled to do whatever He asks without reservation. Whether you understand or not. I wrote about what I felt God wanted me to do. I tell all in the series Get Out of the Way! Claim God's Will for Your Marriage.

I originally thought God was leading me toward being with my husband forever. Then there was some indications otherwise. Finally, in July of this year, God freed me from my marriage. I was to completely get out of the way. I must admit, it is hard to sit on the sidelines, but that's all I am mandated to do. When God calls you, you must obey, no matter what you think should be, He knows best.

The Cost of Forgiveness

The book, The Peacemaker, written by Ken Sande has opened my eyes to a natural part of my character I have displayed for most of my life. I am the ultimate peacemaker and I'm proud of it. His book is based on biblical principles. In the book, he talks about how forgiving can cost you, depending on who and what you forgive.

I believe this is especially true with forgiveness in my marriage. When I forgave my husband, it seemed things just began to fall apart. I forgave infidelity and there were remnants of "the other woman." My husband held on to her to the bitter end.

Being a peacemaker can and is often misconstruded. People tend to think you are weak, or a push over. In reality people who are peacemakers understand the value of forgiveness and know that God loves a forgiving heart. There is a cost for every action, whether good or bad, right or wrong. Being up for life's challenges and wanting to please God is the only way to fully appreciate the true power of forgiveness.

What I Am Going Through

I am experiencing joy everyday. I was asked a very valid question the other day by someone who is interested in getting to know me. My response was literally without a moments hesitation.

"If we were to find we wanted to be together, wouldn't you feel as though you were going against your marriage vows?"

"No, God has truly released me from my marriage. I am free to choose."

Seven months ago you could not have told me that would have come out of my mouth. I have said, and it is true, I was completely committed to my long-term union to the man I married, even though we have been unevenly yoked from the moment we laid eyes on each other.

I stayed the course because I understand that the duties are ours to follow, but the outcome is up to God. I have believe and trusted this all my life. I fully understand that we have to do the work, whether we get what we want in the end or not.

Sad, but true, I needed my marriage to be the woman I am today. I would have never been who I am today, had I not learned how to love, even when I didn't want to. Those folk who have love easy, only reach the Masters level. I have a PhD in loving cause I loved the devil.

I am going through a rapid period of growth. God is helping me strip myself of petty beliefs I was still harboring and that could have held me back in the future. I just experienced something I was sure I never would. It was good, but not right for me. I will continue being open to eradicating myself of the bullshit that keeps me from being the person I can.

What I am going through is amazing to me. God has done me such a wonderful turn. At 50, I almost literally have a clean slate. My children fully understand I plan to make some drastic changes in my lifestyle once my 15 year old is on her way to college. We talk about college everyday. She knows what she has to do.

What I am going through is exhilarating! I feel like I can do anything. I remember how it was just the opposite when I graduated high school. I remember crying to my mentor/friend/cousin Ella Gee, "I don't feel prepared to do anything." Boy, was I wrong. I had given so much thought to the path I wanted to take in life. Had done so much preparation, took advantage of every opportunity that came my way and by the age of 45, I had realized all my personal goals.

Now, at 50 I sit and seek God's will. He gave me what I wanted, which I believe was His will also, but there is something more. I know it.

Why I Do Not Recognize Myself

"Every since I've given up sin, Hallelujah, been born again."

I am truly no longer a glutton. It has been eight years. I have learned portion control. I am taking my time and that has made it seem more effortless. I do not weigh myself. I do not obsess about my looks at all. As a matter of fact, one of the major reasons I don't recognize myself is I actually love me. I think I am beautiful. I am putting me first.

I am so ready to continue to shock myself. I plan to keep myself guessing, but most of all continue to pray for God's will. That habit has served me well.

I do not recognize myself at times because my eyes don't cry no more. I have absolutely no fear. I love my enemies. I am much more tolerant of stupid people. I do not think about food 24/7. I am looking forward to traveling more. I want to grow in love with a man other than the one I married. I am ready for whatever!

Living in God's Will

It has become old hat, living within God's will and because of it, each day I am more and more blessed. I have completely let go of my husband and he is doing just fine without me. He needed help, but not necessarily from me. He was unable to appreciate what I did for him, maybe he will be more grateful for his home nurse.

It is still sort of hard for me to believe that he could not accept the love and caring I was willing to continue to provide for him. Yet, I fully understand why. He is a lost soul crashing his way through life without a clue. His selfishness and inability to empathize with others allows him to be dismissive and cruel. He is alone and should be happy. He did all he could to push his family away.

Living in God's will has freed me completely from all the pain and strife I experienced while trying to do the right thing with the wrong man. I accept my role in the loss of my marriage. I gave too much, too long and for the wrong reasons. I was trying desperately to get something from a man who tried and succeeded in not giving it.

When we first met, he told me, "If a bitch thinks I'll fall in love with her she's crazy. I don't love no woman but my momma."

I clearly remember the surge of anger that when through me when he made that proclamation. I responded. "Well, you are in the wrong house, because I am love."

What I should have said is , "You need to leave now because I'll spend 26 years trying to make you love me."

That is what happened. I spent a helluva lot of time not receiving what I needed. Now, I know God wants me to have something real and I have woken up just in time. I have at least another 30 years to be loved by someone who is capable of doing it. I will wait because I am living within God's will.

Why I am Feeling Great

I am have been under 250 pounds for a few months now. My loose clothes are telling the story of self-control and moderation. I am amazed at how I have been able to literally not put food in my mouth when I am not hungry.

I no longer run to chips and chicken to soothe what ails me. I no longer feel I have to eat to celebrate my accomplishments. I have been saved.

I am feeling great because I have conquered my flesh. I am no longer a glutton and I know God is pleased. I am doing all I can to live a moderate life. Moderation in all things is my new slogan and it feels great.

My emotions are in check. My health is on point and I feel great.

A Pillow Full of Tears

I can't believe how much I have cried over the loss of my relationship with my husband over the past four days. Every show I watched, somehow confirmed I am doing the right thing in various ways. The Creator is working on me. It is time for me to walk away and move forward into what has been promised.

I used to tell my husband all the time, "I am gonna get mine."

He always thought I meant something else, but what I meant by "mine" is the promises God has made. I am going to get mine. I have given up my life of sin, he held on to his.

My pillow will be full of tears or maybe it won't be. I feel confident they will soon dry up and along with them the lingering desire to be with a man who clearly will never respect me, because he has no respect for himself.

How To Remove Fear

You remove fear with faith. Faith allows you to keep hope alive. Hope keeps you alive. The more alive you feel, the less fear can creep in.

My husband is afraid to really live. He exist and can't understand he is in control of whether he lives a rich life or not.

He is so bitter towards me and it is such a shame. It is only that way because I put a stop to his reign of terror. I won't let him get away with what he's being getting by with. He is scared and childish, a paralyzing combination.

You remove fear by learning to lean on God and not your own understanding. Plain and simple.

Never Say Never

Even though I am willing to see what interracial dating is all about, I still do not believe in it. I am to the point where it doesn't matter anymore. I just want someone who is going to love me and if that happens to be a white man, so be it. I need to be in a loving relationship. That is who I am and how I want to be.

I refuse to settle for less. I a moving forward and I will be loved.

Why Life is Hard

Rapidly approaching the age of 50, I have spent time looking back over my life. I have recognized that during the times I felt most hopeless, it was because I didn't believe in myself. I believed someone else had control over my life and that I was victim, not only of circumstance, but in reality. I felt life was hard and I was defeated.

I have been blessed to be a seeker of knowledge and truth and because of that I do not stay locked in ignorance long. I believe I am capable, so I am. Life has gotten easier. Life will always be hard if you don't love yourself, recognize you are primarily responsible for the creation of your life and that God loves you no matter where you are.

I am so grateful I know God loves me. This fact alone makes life a lot easier to bear. So many of us are downtrodden and unhappy. We know how much we've let ourselves down. This is why we are so upset all the time. We know we're living mediocre lives. We know we are cheating ourselves, thus only faking when we say we give our all to others. Because it is so true that nothing from nothing leaves nothing.

Life is hard because we are not truly giving. Yeah, there are a lot of folk out there helping others, but what are their motives? Time and time again you hear about folk leading double lives. Seeming to be one thing and they are really another. It's amazing.

Life will always be hard until we learn to truly give from the heart. We must strive to more greatly express the Christian values many of us proclaim to uphold. Does your life truly reflect these values, in any way? Ask yourself these questions, be honest with the answers and maybe you'll find out why life is hard.

Why Living God's Will Is the Only Way

I have began reading a book titled, Forgotten God. This deals with the very real reality that the Spirit of God has all but left the church as it is today.

Reading this book has clarified so very powerful experiences in my life. I understand better why I was able to follow God's will so easily. It is because I have read the scripture for myself. I understand and believe the promises made by God and I want to receive them, so I chose to develop a deep, loving relationship with Him.

Even though I have had a relationship with God for a long time, being human I was not exempt of falling pray to the world during my twenties. I lacked the confidence and self-awareness needed to stand firm in my beliefs and convictions. Now, knowing me and understanding that all I have is by the grace of God, I seek His guidance consistently, and I believe my life is a true testament to the fact.

I have walked in faith all my life. When I was a kid, there was a girl who picked on my everyday. She would walk behind me and push me in my back all the way home. I never turned around and looked at the crowd that would develop. I folded my arms and endured whatever licks she threw. I now know that I understood even then that God was going to take care of me and that I would be the better person in the end for having the resolve to maintain my cool and walk away.

Now, even more than ever I feel the presence of God in my life. I feel as though there is nothing I cannot do, because I know God has my back and only wants the best for and from me. When God showed me he intended for me to endure my marriage, instead of leave it when I found out my husband had a mistress, at first I couldn't believe it. I even filed for divorce, but I could never go through with it. I felt convicted everytime I even thought about proceeding. I have since come to realize it was because God has so much more for me to do.

I have willing given myself to what I believe is God's purpose for my life. I am open to change, willing to grow and eager to serve. Living God's will really is the only way to truly live.

Why Everyday Is Confirmation of Worthiness

So many of us wake everyday feeling as though we have nothing to offer. What we don't realize is we would not be here if it were not something for us to do, to give, to learn. God wants us to accept our place on this earth with a fever that is unmatched by others. We each are worthy of life because of this we must find a way to deal with the day in and day out of life.

I got pregnant when I was seventeen years old. My family was rocked behind this revelation. My mother could barely stand to look at me. To this day, I cannot reconcile with the hypocrisy she displayed. I have seen it all my life, parents spending too much time trying to make their children feel guilty, using shame, beatings, disapproval, distance, silence and negligence to get them in line. When what is needed, is for parents to step up and parent their children so that they won't grow up feeling unworthy.

Feelings of unworthiness begin early for most of us. How we are treated by those closest to us develops our self-esteem. So many in my generation, and most definitely the generations before, have had to struggle with being too light, or too dark, too fat, or too skinny, hair to nappy, hair too straight, too smart, too dumb. We have passed on the tenets of the Willie Syndrome generation after generation. It has only served to fill our children with a sense of unworthiness.

Know that you are worthy no matter how you look, or what you do. You have no control over anyone except yourself. You have no one to answer, except The Creator. You need to trust and believe that everyday you awake and take in a breathe it is confirmation of your worthiness.

September

September has been a freeing month. I have come to terms with some very real personal issues. I have accepted my marriage will not end the way I had hoped. I know my husband and I did our best. We stayed together for a long time because of our disbelief in divorce, but what we hadn't explored was the reality that we don't have to live together to be married.

We can still do what is needed and not live in the same house. Our kids are not babies anymore. They now how to ask for what they need.

September 2011 will become significant for me because I really did some good soulwork this month. I stayed on track and did the right thing.

God is the light of my life.

As Plain As The Nose On My Face

God called me to be a psychologist the day I opened my eyes on this earth. I have been a humanist all my life. A psychologist is a humanist that gets paid for their insight into human nature and their ability to help others recognize their intrinsic worthiness as human beings, thus allowing them to alter their perspective so that they may enjoy the richness and wholeness living life can bring.


This is what I have always known God wants me to do. I do it all the time, but things are taking a different form. Because of our litigious society, I think it is wise for me to get my doctorate. Since I have been posting on Facebook, I have had several people seek me out for comfort, solace, direction, etc.

I do believe it is God's continuous effort to have me live my best life. I has become as plain as the nose on my face. I applied to college Thursday morning. It is time I do what I was born to do.

Why Patience is A Virtue

Being naturally patient, I sometimes laugh at people who are in a hurry to go nowhere. You know the ones who will pass you on the road, only to get to the light and it turns red. They may be in front, but they still have to wait.

Waiting? Waiting seems to be a bad thing for most people. They want what they want and they want it now. Me, on the other hand, has always been willing to wait for what is meant for me and to achieve the goals, dreams, and desires I have for my life.

Waiting has gotten me much more than being impatient ever has. Patience is a virtue because it tempers the soul and humbles the ego. Waiting builds character. A person who can wait understands it is not all about them. They recognize there are other factors and are willing to allow them to unfold.

Impatience breeds disappointment because most times much of the important stuff is left out in haste. Being patient allow you to think and decide. Impatience usually precedes impulsiveness, which leads to disappointment.

Patience allows us to grow closer to God, especially if we are seeking His while waiting for an outcome.