I was watching criminal minds and the father of a murdered girl was talking about how he had accepted that there were things that were out of his control. He said he learned this after the therapist helped him realize he had experienced guilt feelings for not being able to help his daughter.
Suddenly, I had an epiphany. I realized I had experienced some guilt feelings over my decision to not allow my husband access to me. I know what I am cutting off and at this time, when he needs me the most; yes, at times I will see the uneasiness I felt was guilt. There is a part of me that does feel bad about not taking care of him.
I get over it real quick. I gave him plenty of opportunities to step up and be the man worthy of the woman he had. He would make attempts and talk a good game, but he always reverted right back to his old behaviors.
I must be the woman I was born to be. I have said it before and I'll say it again, I may be a sucker, but I choose who does the licking.
My guilt feelings only serve to remind me I am human and how much I really wanted to keep my promise to always be there for him. 26 years was our forever. What's done is done and I'm gone baby gone.
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