Something new is happening in my relationship. I can tell my husband is putting forth effort to be a better husband. In a way it is sort of eery. Since I came home from my trip to East St. Louis, IL, he seems to really appreciate me more. He is less irritable and has been more attentive.
When I came through the door, he literally ran to me with his arms stretched to hug and kiss me. I was shocked. I told him I didn't think he'd ever responded that way to me before. Something new is happening in our relationship.
He asked me if I KNEW he loved me. I hesitated for a long time because I know he thinks he does, and he does in his own way, but the truth of the matter is as long as he doesn't love himself, he'll never fully love another. Doesn't look like he's in line for self-love lessons, so I am reluctant to accept that he really loves me in the truest sense of the word. I accept what he has to offer as love. I do understand that many people are where he is, lost in themselves without a paddle.
Yet, the something new feels like it should have always been. I guess that is why I recognize it. I know how it should be, even though I've lived with how it is. I refuse to be bitter and work hard at being better. He is willing to try and that has always been enough for me and why we have stayed together for 25 years. He understood long before I did how messed up he was, but there is something so real about his desire to have a better life than the one he cut our for himself.
Showing posts with label Hold on. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hold on. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Friends
I do not have many friends and I will admit it is my fault. I am very guarded and have tremendous boundaries. I cannot say this makes me unhappy. But it sure would be nice to have people who were there for me when I just need some comfort, love, concern and support.
Oftentimes, people see me as superwoman and tell me, "Oh, you'll be alright. You always are." Yes, I am resilient, thank God, because I need to be. My husband is slipping away right before my eyes. There is a part of me that has no sympathy for him because his lifestyle has gotten him in this situation. But the greatest part of me, my humanity, reaches out to him. I feel for him. I care for him. I am being a friend to him.
Still I need someone for me.
Oftentimes, people see me as superwoman and tell me, "Oh, you'll be alright. You always are." Yes, I am resilient, thank God, because I need to be. My husband is slipping away right before my eyes. There is a part of me that has no sympathy for him because his lifestyle has gotten him in this situation. But the greatest part of me, my humanity, reaches out to him. I feel for him. I care for him. I am being a friend to him.
Still I need someone for me.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Patience II
I must admit. I have outdone myself. Yes, I have actually been patient and let God really work in my life. I have a horrible house that I was paying too much for. I waited on God and went through the process. I was able to get my mortgage reduced from 11.6 to 4.5 percent interest, along with other little blessings.
Patience is truly a virtue.
Patience is truly a virtue.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
I am not sure why I think this should be a blog other than the fact it may help someone.
Ever since I returned from Florida, I have experienced a new thing. I have come to terms with a lot of things, and I have moved on from a lot of people and things. What remains is an awesome feeling of rightness. I have had this feeling most of my life, but now I see it. I recognize I have been right about my life. I see so clearly , so completely how I was led on this path.
When I am confronted about my marriage to the man I live with, people have actually gone as far as to call me a fool, to even say I'm stupid. Yes, I do have choices and more and more are being presented to me every day, but I have no desire to subject myself to the rigors of a divorce, most definitely not at this time.
It could bother me that my relationship with the man I am married to causes so much anguish to others. My 18 year old son is appalled that I have chosen to stay married. He told me, "He is going to take you down mom. He'll be the death of you."
I said, "You really think so Son, after 25 years?"
"Open your eyes Mom. Everybody can see it but you."
He then went on to tell me, "I should come before him, I am your seed."
If it were not for the fact he was crying, I would have burst into laughter. I am so grateful for my awareness and understanding. My maturity and my ability to allow others to be who they are.
I did not respond to that statement. To do so would have been as ridiculous as the statement itself. If not for his father, he would not be. He cannot come before him. So, it is becoming more than obvious my son may be experiencing a little of the what Sigmund Freud would call the Oedipus complex: The child's unconscious desire to possess the opposite-sexed parent and do away with the same-sexed parent.
In present day psychology this theory is thought to be ridiculous. It is clear to see what Freud meant, but hard to articulate. I never really a even a glimpse of the possibility until today. Whether I believe Freud's theory or not, my son clearly feels he should be exalted over my husband in my heart and mind. He feels because he recognizes his father's limitations as a man, that he has the right to feel superior.
It is a sad situation. I know how it feels not to understand the workings of relationships and think you know better than the two who constructed it. Many will say my quest to get people to stay together is the same thing. To them I say: I have had over 25 years experience making a true effort to learn how to be a wife, companion, and partner. I know what I'm talking about.
My son wants me to let go during the revealing of the purpose. He can't stand it and wants me to feel the way he does. Been there, done that. I have to see this through and believe me I know God is with me. Can't be nothing else.
Ever since I returned from Florida, I have experienced a new thing. I have come to terms with a lot of things, and I have moved on from a lot of people and things. What remains is an awesome feeling of rightness. I have had this feeling most of my life, but now I see it. I recognize I have been right about my life. I see so clearly , so completely how I was led on this path.
When I am confronted about my marriage to the man I live with, people have actually gone as far as to call me a fool, to even say I'm stupid. Yes, I do have choices and more and more are being presented to me every day, but I have no desire to subject myself to the rigors of a divorce, most definitely not at this time.
It could bother me that my relationship with the man I am married to causes so much anguish to others. My 18 year old son is appalled that I have chosen to stay married. He told me, "He is going to take you down mom. He'll be the death of you."
I said, "You really think so Son, after 25 years?"
"Open your eyes Mom. Everybody can see it but you."
He then went on to tell me, "I should come before him, I am your seed."
If it were not for the fact he was crying, I would have burst into laughter. I am so grateful for my awareness and understanding. My maturity and my ability to allow others to be who they are.
I did not respond to that statement. To do so would have been as ridiculous as the statement itself. If not for his father, he would not be. He cannot come before him. So, it is becoming more than obvious my son may be experiencing a little of the what Sigmund Freud would call the Oedipus complex: The child's unconscious desire to possess the opposite-sexed parent and do away with the same-sexed parent.
In present day psychology this theory is thought to be ridiculous. It is clear to see what Freud meant, but hard to articulate. I never really a even a glimpse of the possibility until today. Whether I believe Freud's theory or not, my son clearly feels he should be exalted over my husband in my heart and mind. He feels because he recognizes his father's limitations as a man, that he has the right to feel superior.
It is a sad situation. I know how it feels not to understand the workings of relationships and think you know better than the two who constructed it. Many will say my quest to get people to stay together is the same thing. To them I say: I have had over 25 years experience making a true effort to learn how to be a wife, companion, and partner. I know what I'm talking about.
My son wants me to let go during the revealing of the purpose. He can't stand it and wants me to feel the way he does. Been there, done that. I have to see this through and believe me I know God is with me. Can't be nothing else.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
I Get the Feeling
Sometimes I get a lot of feelings around subjects. I feel like I should say a certain thing, or do a certain thing, or be a certain place. Instead of fragmenting myself, I write. I write a lot. I have a journal and I notice I don't write in it as much when I am experiencing stress in a positive sense. I take the time to give thanks and praise for the gifts, good news, less energy wasted, or whatever the case may be, but I don't go into as much detail as I would when I am upset, anger, furious, ready to kill, melancholy.
Melancholy is intoxicating. As does meaning words, melancholy has several meanings. It can mean 1. Sadness or depression of spirits, gloom. 2. Pensive reflective or comtemplative. I experience more of #2. I am quite pensive, reflective and comtemplative. It is truly as much a part of who I am as my eye color. What I like even more is that I have learned to control it, and recognize it, (melancholy) for what it is. I see its benefits in my life and I use it for it usefulness.
Peace
Melancholy is intoxicating. As does meaning words, melancholy has several meanings. It can mean 1. Sadness or depression of spirits, gloom. 2. Pensive reflective or comtemplative. I experience more of #2. I am quite pensive, reflective and comtemplative. It is truly as much a part of who I am as my eye color. What I like even more is that I have learned to control it, and recognize it, (melancholy) for what it is. I see its benefits in my life and I use it for it usefulness.
Peace
Friday, December 18, 2009
Michelle Obama
Wow!
I am so proud of our First Lady Michelle Obama. After viewing some of the interviews she did during the campaign, I was struck by her admission that she had thought about leaving President Obama (before he was president).
Her reason was all too familiar. The road he was taking did not match up with that she had in her head. She was looking for a man who was going to come home for dinner every night. She wasn't too sure about the running for President thing either, but she hung in their. She got to have her prince.
So many of us miss our blessing because the road to married bliss in our heads, does not match up with that of our spouses. This can be for various reasons, but most often because we do not communicate our thoughts, wants, and needs. Or, when we do, we do not do so in an appropriate manner.
Whatever led First Lady Obama to the right conclusion, only she knows. I know I am glad she was able to get out of the way and claim God's will for her marriage and herself to be loved by her man, and now her country.
I am so proud of our First Lady Michelle Obama. After viewing some of the interviews she did during the campaign, I was struck by her admission that she had thought about leaving President Obama (before he was president).
Her reason was all too familiar. The road he was taking did not match up with that she had in her head. She was looking for a man who was going to come home for dinner every night. She wasn't too sure about the running for President thing either, but she hung in their. She got to have her prince.
So many of us miss our blessing because the road to married bliss in our heads, does not match up with that of our spouses. This can be for various reasons, but most often because we do not communicate our thoughts, wants, and needs. Or, when we do, we do not do so in an appropriate manner.
Whatever led First Lady Obama to the right conclusion, only she knows. I know I am glad she was able to get out of the way and claim God's will for her marriage and herself to be loved by her man, and now her country.
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