Watching and Waiting

My husband announced he is 197 pounds. I would be happy if it were due to him trying to work on his health, but it is just the opposite. He is not doing what he needs to do and his body is withering away, right before my eyes.

Each and everyday I am getting closer and closer to dropping meat from my diet. I see the effects fat has on the body and truly recognize that minimal intake of fat is the best recipe for health. Incorporating even more vegetables and fruits in my diet will be hard, but I am open to the change because I want to live.

I am watching and waiting to see what he is going to do, but I am moving towards health for sure. Such a tragedy. I am so glad I know I don't have to die a horrible death, at least not by my own hand. I can and will prevent a lot of health problems for myself by understanding that food is my medicine. A balanced, healthy, fat free diet is the way for me.

I Got The Feeling

I am having feelings of detachment and that's a good thing. I feel so far away from most people I meet in many ways. I am a faith-filled person. I lean on hope and thrive off of love. Self-love saved me from a life of regret and allowed to do what is mandated of me. I know how to love.

I am experiencing feelings of disconnect and that's a good thing. The world is so full of people seeking things to make them feel loved, or whole. I know that I have myself t remind me of love. I know I do not need the approval of man of man to live may life. I am fully aware of the pitfalls of leaning too much on my own understanding, to I have learned to go with the flow and let life unfold.

I am sure I feel go most of the time and glad I feel all of the time. I am a living, breathing, woman open to life and all it has to offer. I'm glad I got the feeling thing going on.

It Is Getting Worse

It is getting harder and harder to watch his life slowly leave him. The sparkle in his eye. His willingness to go out. His zest for life, all have been zapped away by kidney failure.

His mother is currently experiencing the exact same thing he is now. He wants to be there for her, but he's too weak to hold his head up most of the time.

What do I do? The best I can.

Being a B. I. T. C. H.

I have no problem telling folk, I am a Bitch and to me that is a woman who is being in total control of herself. Folk hate that. People won't admit it, but they love a push over. Most people will take advantage of a person who does not have good boundaries.

I have learned over the years that my boundaries have been pretty tight for a while, especially since I have been an adult. I received a great compliment today. My co-worker told me, "You are really unique. You are a control freak, but unlike other control freaks who want to control themselves and everyone else. You are a control freak over yourself."

He went on to say how I was a very good listener. He told me that he has forgotten several times things he has told me and was surprised that I remembered two weeks later. "Most people just act like they are listening to you. You really listen."

I am that way because my mother never listened to me. When she did she made it seem as though what I was saying was stupid, in reality it was over her head. Her thinking is concrete, whereas I have always been an abstract thinker, even as a kid. So when I would come to her with certain concepts and ideas that she had never thought of, she would automatically try to make me feel stupid by calling me "stupid, ignorant, fool." Those where her names for me. It wouldn't have been so bad if she used them one at a time, but she would call me these names consecutively, every time she used them. It wrecked my self-esteem.

After 18 months of therapy back in 1989, I had to face some truths about myself that I didn't like much. I was having emotional problems, because I couldn't control other folks emotional problems. After therapy, I was able to stop worrying about what I could not change and take care of what I could.

I feel blessed to be open enough where people feel they can share themselves with me without feeling as though I am going to judge or ridicule. It is not my place. I do believe that it is part of my purpose her on earth to use my listening skills to give others a chance to be heard and maybe they to can take control of their lives and become the people they desire to be.

Empathy-Part Five

I began watching this movie where the boyfriend and girlfriend were about to celebrate an event. The girlfriend gave the guy a gift and waited for him to hand her one. He told her he didn't get her a gift because she said she didn't want one. She became outraged and stomped to the door, turned around and said, "I told you I didn't want one because I wanted to be the girlfriend who didn't ask you for anything. Of course I wanted a gift."

This made me sick and I immediately stopped watching the movie. That whole scene is what is wrong with so many women. We really expect men to read our minds and it is so unfair to them, especially when they are more than or just as screwed up as we are when it comes to knowing how to be in a relationship.

It is like we forget that we have recognized how dense they can be. How they often just look over things that doesn't affect on their lives. How they can ignore most anything and act like they know nothing, even when they have a PhD. How do we forget that we know we are smarter than them in many ways? How is it that just because we love them, we think they will know what we want, when they can't order off a menu in a restaurant?

Please! Women need to get a grip, stop having so many unrealistic expectations and get our acts together. Then and only then will we realize that we have what we need. We must ask for what we want and be very specific. We have to be realistic and know that just as we can read no ones mind, no one can read ours. Give me a break! Help them out where you can and you will find you will get what you want.

The Other Side- Part Three

I had to work this morning at 4 a.m. I woke up around 9:40 and was hungry. I made some cornbread on the stove and at some Kale greens with Country Ribs. It was good.

My husband came into the kitchen and I told him we had a date next Thursday night. I told him not to ask where. He immediately became defense, because he is such a control freak and said, "How you gon tell me I can't ask where I am going?" I said, "Because it is a surprise."

"What is the surprise?" he said.

"What? I said it was a surprise. You are such a control freak you're trying to trick me into telling you what the surprise is."

We both erupted in laughter and fell into each others arms laughing until tears rolled out our eyes. It felt so natural, so real, so good. I have been searching for something real all my life and now I have it with the man I've been with since I was 24 years old. You cannot imagine how proud and vindicated I feel. No one who knows us believed we'd ever make it to the other side.

My 31 Year Old

My 31 year old daughter lives with me. She had an apartment for over 3 years. When my husband and I separated, she moved back home. The other day she came to me and was very serious. She said, "Mom, I want to thank you for being you. You are the perfect blend of mother and friend. You know how to just listen and let me say what I need, but you also know how to slip that mother thing in to make a point. Thank you for letting me stay with you. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for not being one of those mothers who are all in your business."

I listened with glee. I felt proud that my daughter recognized that I am not the typical mother by any means. She and my son often praise me on how I don't over step my boundaries and I allow them to grow on their own as adults.

I never wanted to be the type of parent who continuously parents throughout their children's lives. I did all I could to guide them in what I believed to be the right way when I had full charge over them. After they turn 18, it is their turn to show me what they are working with.

I can tell my daughter is really proud of our relationship. So many of her friends complain about their mothers and she has none. I really don't bother her. Even though she lives at home, I go weeks without seeing her, but not without her kisses. Even if I'm sleep, she comes in my room and kisses me while I'm sleep. Sometimes I think I'm dreaming, but it was really her feeling compelled to love on her mommy.

She is a late bloomer and I have always known that. I am glad that I have not held her to the standard I hold for myself, because we would have a lot of issues. Since I do not do that to her, we have a very loving and loyal relationship.

I am truly blessed to have figured out some things early on about parenting and child rearing that has helped me break the cycle of abuse that was so prevalent in my family. Because of my ability to be who I want to be, I have love from those who mean the most to me.

These Last Four Years

The death of Elizabeth Edwards has hit me hard. Mainly because my husband is seriously ill and I don't think he'll make it the entire four years before my daughter goes to college. Everyday I can see him becoming more and more concerned and worried. We went out Friday night and before we could get home, he was calling. As we approached the house, we could see he had turned to porch light on. When we entered the house, he literally came running to each of us with outstretched arms stating how happy he was the two most important women in his life made it home.

The illness is humbling him. Just a few years ago his ego would not have allowed him to display his anxious feelings. He would make a joke, or totally ignore us before he'd let on he was worried. Now, he is showing his concern on so many levels that I'm amazed.

I pray he will be able to get a hold of his health enough to live to see his youngest daughter graduate from high school. I know not being alive to see her children turn teenagers weighed heavily on Elizabeth Edwards. She knew she wouldn't be here for them.

I've stepped up my involvement in my daughters education outside of school. I enrolled her in a workshop called Undoing Racism. It was a 20 hour training that took up her entire weekend. At first she was a little upset, and actually tried to be late. I looked out the door and she was slowly walking home. I put some fire under her and we went. I hadn't had any sleep and actually slept while she participated in the group. She came to me and thanked me for sending her. She had a great time.

I have always believed that parents are their children's greatest assets and I will forever do all I can to make sure my children are well-read and informed. I want them to receive the best education possible and I believe the way children achieve that is when they are encouraged to educate themselves. These last four years are going be fun. I hope and pray we all stay healthy enough to live and enjoy them.

You So Brave

It amazes how folk like to label you. I told my Facebook family that my husband had been unfaithful. I received a reply stating that I was brave to share my testimony with others. I am sure this same person considers herself a Christian and probably believes she adheres to the tenets of Christianity. I would have expected her to recognize that I am doing what Jesus would do. He shared his pain with and his purpose with us.

We are mandated to share the glory of the Creator in our lives. I was redeemed and renewed when I gave up my idea of what I thought a wife should be. I had a whole lot of crazy ideas, issues and hang-ups. When I accepted the role I played in assisting my husband with choosing to deal with our problems by having an affair, it changed the way I dealt with him and myself.

I found I was doing too much and of course, he wasn't doing enough. My decision to write two books about the ordeal came directly from my belief that in order for things to get better those of us who have made it through the fire without smelling like smoke give testimony to the glory of God.

No, I am not brave. I am obedient.

Emotional Intelligence

Unfortunately, not many of us are emotionally intelligent enough to handle relationships. Men, more so than women. Men tend to run from their own emotions and women don't understand why. It is how they are wired, how they are socialized and how they are reared.

Parents who allow healthy expression of emotion will rear a more balanced child than those who have rigid gender role ideas, or certain expectations that may be maladaptive. I was reared to believe it was wrong to cry whether you were male or female. Crying was viewed as a sign of weakness.

I was highly sensitive so it took nothing for me to cry and I had no problem doing so. Both my parents gave me hell because of it, but there was something so strong about my awareness of my humanity that I ignored their beliefs and did what came naturally to me. If I was hurt, disappointed, or afraid, I cried. I didn't let them keep me from being human.

We are not allowed to let our emotions flow we are tortured by feelings of unsuitableness because it takes it all happiness, sadness, fear, laughter, joy, peace, to make up our humanness. Denying ourselves the opportunities to feel the full range of our emotions only numbs us and ultimately makes us bitter.

How emotionally intelligent are you?

WOW!

Yesterday my husband and I were trying to remember the last time we had an argument. He said he had thought about it while I was at work and could not remember. I can't either. It is so amazing to me. My agreeable attitude is working and I have found he is not as disagreeable as I would have accused him of being in the past.

It was my unwillingness to be in agreement that mostly kept us at bay. Once I managed my disagreeable spirit, I was able to let go of the need to make him the one who was disagreeing.

Each day is getting better and better. I am thankful I stayed. I am so glad I did not divorce him. I would have never known how wonderful things could be between us.

The Other Side-Part ONE

My husband's cousin once encouraged me to stay in my marriage by saying, "Hold on there is another side." I had a man in his 70's tell me, "It took me 47 years to grow up. Hang in there." Well my husband will be 50 in November and he is just this year showing the most continuous growth.

I sit in awe when he gets something I introduced to him 20 years ago. Our relationship has truly forced me to learn to meet others where they are. He had so many issues, (abadonment, neglect, institutionalism, low self-esteem, inferiority complex, and male brain syndrome.


Believe me, I had my share of issues, but I was working on myself when I met him. He would get angry because I would cry and fret over trying to figure it all out. I would do all I could to try to understand why the things happened to me that took me so far away from who I really was. My family and environment forced me to be someone I did not know. When I met him, I had been away for almost a year. It wasn't long enough for me to be over anything. He would encourage me to just not think about it, or ignore my desire to be someone better.

He lived his life that way for a long time and now he is paying dearly, because not only does he have to deal with the stuff he ran from, but he is also dealing with his chronic illnesses. He tried to use to "just ignore it," mindset, but what he found out is the body has its own timetable. Now he is paying dearly for taking that approach.

I, on the other hand, am pretty balanced and very healthy considering I've been fat all my life. All I can do is have compassion for him and be grateful we are on the other side.

Got to Get Away

I am feeling like I need to get away. I have a two trips planned before the summer ends and I am really looking forward to getting out of my routine with hopes that something will break this cycle I've been in of feeling trapped.

We will see.

Friends

I do not have many friends and I will admit it is my fault. I am very guarded and have tremendous boundaries. I cannot say this makes me unhappy. But it sure would be nice to have people who were there for me when I just need some comfort, love, concern and support.

Oftentimes, people see me as superwoman and tell me, "Oh, you'll be alright. You always are." Yes, I am resilient, thank God, because I need to be. My husband is slipping away right before my eyes. There is a part of me that has no sympathy for him because his lifestyle has gotten him in this situation. But the greatest part of me, my humanity, reaches out to him. I feel for him. I care for him. I am being a friend to him.

Still I need someone for me.

Believe

It is amazing how you can meet someone who reminds you of yourself. This has happened to me and I am compelled to try to help this person, because she is much younger than I and already has made so many bad choices.



To find the right words is often hard and I really wonder if I should even say anything because who am I to think I know her because she reminds me of myself? She reminds me of when I was unable to focus, having rapid thoughts, and a vivid imagination that took me from one project to the other, never quite finishing any of them.

I want to tell her that there will come a time in life when you recognize you need to take care of yourself. I can only hope it will be sooner, rather than later in her life. I spent so much of my youth angry, lonely, overwhelmed and lacking true discipline. Now that I am 48, hindsight is 20/20; I see where I went wrong, or could have been more patient, or should have just not done anything. I can see how hating myself, even for a minute, casued me undue stress and humiliation.

I want to believe I can help her.