51 and Fabulous

Turning 51 is a true blessing especially since I am healthy and have my mind in tact. Oh yes, there are times when I have thought I would not only not see 50, let alone 51. It is all good. I am on the right track and that is such a marvelous feeling.

I am doing what I love to do in all areas of my life. I feel no hesitation, no regrets, no limits. For the first time in my life, I have no questions. I feel free and capable.

I just want to live and love and love and live. I cannot find the words to express how clear and clean I feel. How I really believe I can do what I truly focus on and work to achieve. I have proven myself to myself and at age 51 I'm feeling good.

Peace, love and soul!

I Wouldn't Change A Thing

More and more I am grateful for the life I have. Over and over I tell myself how blessed I am to have found self-love. I remember when I was depressed in my 20's. The self-hate poured off me. It is no wonder people treated me so badly. They knew I didn't care about myself. So why should they.

It is a different world when you love you. Folk have second thoughts about trying to take advantage when they know you now who you are. I most definitely know who I am and I am so grateful I gave up the idea I was unworthy. I stopped believing I didn't deserve, or wouldn't have. I accepted I have just as much right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Now, when things get tough I don't blink. I know I will survive it and I just go with flow when that is what is required. I wouldn't change a thing about my life.

I Love My Job

I am really blessed to have a husband who accepts me as I am. Last week I had a very delicate problem, one I was not willing to tell anyone other than my doctor and oldest daughter who is a CNA. I was off work an entire week and he never questioned me once.


I like the fact that neither one of us has tried to interfere, direct, or challenge the others employment choices. I don't make a lot of money, and could make more, but I love my job. Ilove the hours, I love the days off, and I love the daily opportunity to serve the clientele I work with.

This job has been hard to stay on because of the games the folk in charge play. I advocate for the girls and make sure I speak up when I think they girls are being mistreated.

Even though the girls we work with have emotional problems, I seem to meet them at a place they can appreciate. I have expectations of them something they aren't used to. They find themselves loving and hating me at the same time. They often call me back once they leave to thank me for holding them accountable and taking the time to go the extra mile to make sure they get what they need.

I have been struggling with not having disposable money. It is hard to save on my salary and yes, things are really tight.

When I look at the pros and cons, I have to accept that my overall quality of life is 100% better since I have been able to find my balance between work, home and self. It is so hard for me to even think about giving up the serenity I have now, to join the rate race for the sake of money.

I don't know what I'm gonna do. I love my job.

The Day After Christmas

My husband left a beautiful message on my machine while I was at work Friday night. He talked about hoping I came home in a good mood so we could celebrate Christmas with the family we have here. It is only he, my son and myself at the house.

He went on to say how he was thinking about me, how much he loved me, and that he could not wait until I returned home. It warmed my heart. But, when I home, I noticed his throw up pan on the floor. He was sick. He stayed in bed when he was throwing up, or having the use the bathroom.

I cooked the Turkey, ate some Tuna, then got in bed and watched an episode of Martin. He returned from the bathroom and I caught of glimpse of his face. It was darker than I had ever seen it. His face is swollen and his eyes are puffy. As he was leaving the message, I could hear through the recording he was struggling to breathe. His refusal to go to the hospital is true testimony to the fact he is lives in a world of denial. Kidney failure is real. Especially for a severe diabetic such as he.

What am I doing? I ask him on a regular basis to go to the hospital. I try and make him as comfortable as I can, I pray for him, I continue to love him, and leave him to his own journey. I am truly walking with him. If this is how he wants our forever to end, so be it. I have done my time. He will always be the man of my dreams and the creator of my nightmares. I love him all the more for it.

This day after Christmas is glorious. I got real rest and sleep. I didn't overeat at all. As a matter of fact, I cooked turkey, corn, greens, and Rotini with five cheeses, but I did not eat any of it. I made some Croissants with bits of turkey and shavings of white cheddar cheese. I ate three for dinner and that was it. I refuse to overeat on another holiday as long as I live. I have truly made a lifestyle change.

I didn't spend much time with anyone but me on Christmas day. Part of the reason is I left my cell phone at work. Silly me, but I wouldn't have done too much talking anyway because I am indulging in spiritual renewal. I limit my verbal communication during these times. So much of the time people are talking loud and saying nothing.

My husband was saying something when he left his message. He said it loud and clear. I am still the one he wants to spend the holidays with and he loves me. I got my husband's love for Christmas.

As You Can Read...

If you have been following my blog, I am sure you have picked up the reality that in many ways I am struggling in this marriage. I happen to believe that the struggles, though they may not be as what others experience, are what are necessary for the each of us to gain the knowledge needed to be the best people we can be.

People want to believe that love should be easy, when in fact it is one of the hardest emotions to navigate. Because of its purity, love has no master. It is in itself the end and be all when it comes to humans. Without love, nothing survives for long. Yet, love is so hard to come by and even harder to find within ourselves.

I struggled for years with self-hate and loathing and now that I know love, I laugh at the old me. How silly I was not to recognize how marvelous I am no matter what size, how much money I have, or who I am married to. I am the shit just because and that is enough. Yet, for years I hated myself mainly because of being overweight. It wasn't me and because I didn't understand the importance of moderation I overate. I also used food to soothe me and keep me company and to celebrate. Food was my God.

When I became more of a spiritual person and less of a religious person, I was able to balance my reality and thus my life and body has followed suit. I am free to love because I know what it is to love me. As Frankie Beverly put it so well, "I got myself to remind me of love."

As you can read, I am pretty darn sure of myself. I know how to love.

Jacked Up Priorities

I am not a fan of any sport except boxing. This whole thing with LeBron James is ridiculous and a waste of time. He has the right to work for whomever he wants, but obviously the fans of Cleveland feel otherwise and it seems to be big plans to disrupt his game tonight when he returns to Cleveland for the first time since he left the team.

People are people and they have the right to live their own lives. We don't own folk. He has made his choice, but even a Bishop has been on CNN talking about the sermon he preached on Sunday to try to get people not to overreact when LeBron returns home tonight. From the interviews I saw on CNN, it looks like he did the right thing. Folk are really ready to boo him and try to make his stay on the court miserable.

One man said he wanted to tell James, "You are not who I thought you were." Guess what? Neither is your wife, or anyone you know for that matter. We never really know people and we do not have the right to expect anything from them, especially if they do not want to give it.

Leave LeBron alone. Let the man go on with his life. Sports are not the end of the world. You have other things in your life that could benefit from the passion you put behind being angry over the fact the man wants to be in Miami and not in Cleveland. Folk need to recognize how jacked up their priorities. Anyone of the angry mob would be even more angry if someone tried to keep them from exercising their right to work and play where they want.

WOW!

Yesterday my husband and I were trying to remember the last time we had an argument. He said he had thought about it while I was at work and could not remember. I can't either. It is so amazing to me. My agreeable attitude is working and I have found he is not as disagreeable as I would have accused him of being in the past.

It was my unwillingness to be in agreement that mostly kept us at bay. Once I managed my disagreeable spirit, I was able to let go of the need to make him the one who was disagreeing.

Each day is getting better and better. I am thankful I stayed. I am so glad I did not divorce him. I would have never known how wonderful things could be between us.

Keeping My Mouth Shut

The best thing I have ever done for my marriage is to learn when to keep my mouth shut. It was a time I felt as though I had to say something about just about everything. I was going to make sure my opinion and voice were heard.

I learned that in marriage a lot of what we verbalize tends to be negative. When is the last time you told your spouse how wonderful they are? When was the last time you congratulated them, or even given them a positive nod?

We must learn when to say what we think needs to be said and understand that how we say it matters the most. In our marriages, we must make the committment to uplift and encourage as much as we can. Marriage is a long-term operation. If we develop the habit of verbalizing every slight, we will create a hostile in the environment we need to find the most peace, our homes.

Think before you speak, or just don't speak at all. Sometimes saying nothing speaks louder than any words ever could.

Community Minded

I have the Key to the City. I have the Distinguished Citizens Award. I have several other awards that indicate my committment to giving back to whatever community I live in. It is important that we all understand our role in helping the world become a better place.

Get involved in some sort of community activity. Everyone benefits from what one does.

God Bless Us

God Bless Us

I am only one person,
but I am one person.
I can't do everything
but I can do something.
And what I can do,
I ought do do.
And what I ought to do,
by the grace of God
I will do.


We must put for the effort to do all we can with what we have. An attitude of gratitude is the only cure for self-pity.

Friends

I do not have many friends and I will admit it is my fault. I am very guarded and have tremendous boundaries. I cannot say this makes me unhappy. But it sure would be nice to have people who were there for me when I just need some comfort, love, concern and support.

Oftentimes, people see me as superwoman and tell me, "Oh, you'll be alright. You always are." Yes, I am resilient, thank God, because I need to be. My husband is slipping away right before my eyes. There is a part of me that has no sympathy for him because his lifestyle has gotten him in this situation. But the greatest part of me, my humanity, reaches out to him. I feel for him. I care for him. I am being a friend to him.

Still I need someone for me.

When I Think Back

Sometimes when I think about how I used to be. The old me, I cringe. I hated my self so much yet I could right poems like this one. I wrote this when I was 15 and at the height of my self-hate:

Like You, You'll Love You

You never want to be who you are.
You look at others and admire then from afar.
You never look at yourself and say,
"I'm the best I can be."
You always look and say,
"I don't like me."

If you don't like yourself, life will always be hard to live.
Just remember you have all God had to give.

Make the best of you,
You are all you've got.
Forget about others and what you're not.

Be yourself and you'll soon see;
that who you are is who you would rather be.

Now that I have really learned to love myself, when I read this poem I am proud of how hopeful and insightful I was at an early age. It is this hope that comes through in this poem that truly kept me alive and wanting to learn how to love myself completely.

I have come to that place and it is heaven on earth.

Winners vs Losers

THE WINNER-IS ALWAYS A PART OF THE ANSWER;
THE LOSER-IS ALWAYS A PART OF THE PROBLEM.

THE WINNER- ALWAYS HAS A PROGRAM;
THE LOSER-ALWAYS HAS AN EXCUSE

THE WINNER-SAYS "LET ME DO IT FOR YOU;"
THE LOSER-SAYS "THAT'S NOT MY JOB;"

THE WINNER-SEES AN ANSWER FOR EVERY PROBLEM;
THE LOSER-SEES A PROBLEM IN EVERY ANSWER;

THE WINNER-SEES A GREEN NEAR EVERY SAND TRAP;
THE LOSER-SEES TWO OR THREE SAND TRAPS NEAR EVERY GREEN;

THE WINNER-SAYS "IT MAY BE DIFFICULT BUT IT'S POSSIBLE;"
THE LOSER-SAYS, "iT MAY BE POSSIBLE BUT IT'S TOO DIFFICULT;"

IDENTIFY YOURSELF! DO IT NOW!
ARE YOU A WINNER OR LOSER?

So Glad

I am so glad I have embraced change. Being 48 and one half years old, I have come to understand. Change is good.

Lesson to be Learned

Stuff happens! That is just how it is. Life goes on no matter what happens to you. You must learn to deal with it and began to think of certain things that happens to us as lessons to be learned.

Being married has taught me so much about myself. One thing I know for sure; I am one of the strongest people I have ever met in my life. There is not too much I don't think I could'nt handle, if I had to. Life has taught me to make do, do over and do without.

Being married has taught me that I am loyal, capable, willing, and completely ready for whatever comes my way. I no longer hide from anyone or anything. I'm ready to do what it takes to live the authentic life I was put on earth to live.

Although my marriage has not been the best, it is my marriage. One I helped create. I'll continue to learn the important lessons of life and hold my head up high. I know it is all for a very important purpose. I'm ready if I don't get to go.

Mother's Day

Everyday is mother's day.

Peace

Waiting on David

Not unlike many women in long-term marriages, I have come to accept what I cannot change in my relationship. Although I commend both my husband and myself, for believing we could have the family we both desired, even with the traumatic backgrounds we both brought to the union.

Some things have come to light that have altered the way I will function in my marriage for its duration. I have made the decision to stick with my original decision and that is to stay married at least until my daughter is out of high school. I feel strongly and believe completely children fair much better when they come from two parent homes. I refuse to deprive her of her father, because I have finally accepted what I have always known, my husband is taking his time becoming a man, therefore he is unable to meet my needs as a woman.

This quote, "We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains," is my new mantra. I will not grieve the loss of hope that has gripped my heart. I will not grieve never having the type of man I need. I will not grieve. I will not grieve.

Instead, I will continue to find strength in the knowledge that living for God will insure I am happy with my life. My relationship does not define me. It never has and it never will. I will find strength in my ability to recognize that this is what I should do, instead of run for a divorce, or become bitter because I am not getting my needs met, yet again.

My situation is textbook in so many ways. I literally married my mother, father, and molester. I repeated the cycle of pain I grew up with. The neglect, the rejection, the misuse of trust, the lack of respect, the inability to honor me for what I bring to the world.

I have learned my lesson and I am waiting on David.

From Which I Receive My Help

"People are not always loyal and grateful....gratitude is rare, we must get used to living only for God and to expect thanks only from Him." St. Mary Euphrasia

This is so true and so hard to do. Because we are human and of flesh, it makes it hard for us to live only for God, who is of spirit. We have to dig deep within ourselves to live only for God. We must relinquish our need to have others be there for us and grateful that we are there for them. We must do what we do because we know it is right and in line with what God mandates for us all.

Once I really understood the above quote, I was no longer unhappy with the way my marriage turned out. I understood I was to do what I had done and continue to do what I feel is right in the marriage. It has been very hard to perservere during many of the circumstances and situations that have presented themselves during my 25 year relationship with my husband.

He has not shown me the respect or love I would have hoped for, but what did happen for me is I grew to understand I didn't need it from him as much, when I learned to love myself more and appreciate my ability to love him despite his inability to love me. I do believe this is what God wants from us, especially in our marriages. Whether he loved me or not, my need for love drove me to find the greatest love of all, love of self.

So many people get married thinking they will be completed in some way. Marriage is just the beginning. Whatever completion of self that happens, happens when one learns to love themselves, not by being loved by someone else.

Lean on your faith in times of dispair. Be honest with yourself and open up to the possibility that if you are unhappy it may because you haven't learned to appreciate, be loyal to and love yourself.

Crazy Life

Even though I am living a crazy life, I wouldn't change it for the world. I have learned so much from the choices I have made until I recognize the benefit of living your life. No matter what others think of your situation, circumstances, position, etc., they have no right to judge you and you have no right to hold yourself back because others don't get you.



There was a period of time when I didn't quite understand how accepting the inevitable ebb and flow of like would benefit me. Now that I have learned to enjoy the ride more, my crazy life is one I embrace. I recognize I have created the life I have on many levels for various reasons and that it all will work out for my good.

What People Don't Know About Me

People don't know I consider myself a sponge. I am always learning and assimilating, and coordinating, orchestrating, anticipating, seeking knowledge.

I like to learn. I am an open book, looking for an open book to share knowledge, wisdom, love and peace.

I am free. I harbor no ill towards anyone. I'm just glad I'm me. There is no other and for that, I am glad.

I care deeply about other human beings. I want us all to learn to do what is in our best interest.

I am not fearful. I know peace. I know love. I feel protected by my own humanity. I believe in karma, so therefore I monitor what I release into this world and am confident of that which I choose to share.

I am liberated. I understand. I empathize. I recognize. I am.