I had to work this morning at 4 a.m. I woke up around 9:40 and was hungry. I made some cornbread on the stove and at some Kale greens with Country Ribs. It was good.
My husband came into the kitchen and I told him we had a date next Thursday night. I told him not to ask where. He immediately became defense, because he is such a control freak and said, "How you gon tell me I can't ask where I am going?" I said, "Because it is a surprise."
"What is the surprise?" he said.
"What? I said it was a surprise. You are such a control freak you're trying to trick me into telling you what the surprise is."
We both erupted in laughter and fell into each others arms laughing until tears rolled out our eyes. It felt so natural, so real, so good. I have been searching for something real all my life and now I have it with the man I've been with since I was 24 years old. You cannot imagine how proud and vindicated I feel. No one who knows us believed we'd ever make it to the other side.
Showing posts with label history. Show all posts
Showing posts with label history. Show all posts
Friday, February 4, 2011
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
You So Brave
It amazes how folk like to label you. I told my Facebook family that my husband had been unfaithful. I received a reply stating that I was brave to share my testimony with others. I am sure this same person considers herself a Christian and probably believes she adheres to the tenets of Christianity. I would have expected her to recognize that I am doing what Jesus would do. He shared his pain with and his purpose with us.
We are mandated to share the glory of the Creator in our lives. I was redeemed and renewed when I gave up my idea of what I thought a wife should be. I had a whole lot of crazy ideas, issues and hang-ups. When I accepted the role I played in assisting my husband with choosing to deal with our problems by having an affair, it changed the way I dealt with him and myself.
I found I was doing too much and of course, he wasn't doing enough. My decision to write two books about the ordeal came directly from my belief that in order for things to get better those of us who have made it through the fire without smelling like smoke give testimony to the glory of God.
No, I am not brave. I am obedient.
We are mandated to share the glory of the Creator in our lives. I was redeemed and renewed when I gave up my idea of what I thought a wife should be. I had a whole lot of crazy ideas, issues and hang-ups. When I accepted the role I played in assisting my husband with choosing to deal with our problems by having an affair, it changed the way I dealt with him and myself.
I found I was doing too much and of course, he wasn't doing enough. My decision to write two books about the ordeal came directly from my belief that in order for things to get better those of us who have made it through the fire without smelling like smoke give testimony to the glory of God.
No, I am not brave. I am obedient.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Something New
Something new is happening in my relationship. I can tell my husband is putting forth effort to be a better husband. In a way it is sort of eery. Since I came home from my trip to East St. Louis, IL, he seems to really appreciate me more. He is less irritable and has been more attentive.
When I came through the door, he literally ran to me with his arms stretched to hug and kiss me. I was shocked. I told him I didn't think he'd ever responded that way to me before. Something new is happening in our relationship.
He asked me if I KNEW he loved me. I hesitated for a long time because I know he thinks he does, and he does in his own way, but the truth of the matter is as long as he doesn't love himself, he'll never fully love another. Doesn't look like he's in line for self-love lessons, so I am reluctant to accept that he really loves me in the truest sense of the word. I accept what he has to offer as love. I do understand that many people are where he is, lost in themselves without a paddle.
Yet, the something new feels like it should have always been. I guess that is why I recognize it. I know how it should be, even though I've lived with how it is. I refuse to be bitter and work hard at being better. He is willing to try and that has always been enough for me and why we have stayed together for 25 years. He understood long before I did how messed up he was, but there is something so real about his desire to have a better life than the one he cut our for himself.
When I came through the door, he literally ran to me with his arms stretched to hug and kiss me. I was shocked. I told him I didn't think he'd ever responded that way to me before. Something new is happening in our relationship.
He asked me if I KNEW he loved me. I hesitated for a long time because I know he thinks he does, and he does in his own way, but the truth of the matter is as long as he doesn't love himself, he'll never fully love another. Doesn't look like he's in line for self-love lessons, so I am reluctant to accept that he really loves me in the truest sense of the word. I accept what he has to offer as love. I do understand that many people are where he is, lost in themselves without a paddle.
Yet, the something new feels like it should have always been. I guess that is why I recognize it. I know how it should be, even though I've lived with how it is. I refuse to be bitter and work hard at being better. He is willing to try and that has always been enough for me and why we have stayed together for 25 years. He understood long before I did how messed up he was, but there is something so real about his desire to have a better life than the one he cut our for himself.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
The Other Side-Part Two
My husbands chronic illness is really taking its toll on me and the family. He has been admitted to the hospital twice within a week and a half. Yesterday, before I could get to the door, he was calling me to tell me needing to call an ambulance because he was throwing up blood. When I got in the house and saw how much blood he had thrown up, I fought off the shock that ripped through my heart.
The first thing I thought? "Wow, he really just may die before he is 50," which is at the end of November. He is frail, his kidneys are only working at 24% of their capacity, he had several mini-strokes over the weekend, he is having trouble breathing, he can barely hold anything in his hands. His muscle control is lessening due to the strokes, his legs are swollen beyond recognition, his skin is turning dark, he can barely hear, and his eyes are failing.
All this from diabetes and high blood pressure. He lived the wild life, all his life and now he is paying the piper. Oh yes, he certainly danced to the music. I often watched him in awe throughout the years, secretly wishing I had the nerve to live so recklessly, at least a little. Instead, I stayed on course and did my best to bring some balance and awareness in his life.
Now that we are on the other side and are actually enjoying each other on many levels, his health is a big issue. It is really hard to get in the mood for much after watching someone throw up their guts. I told him Sunday, "You know, we are really blessed to have each other and to have had each other for so long." He agreed. He began to look for something and I lead him directly to it. He turn and said, "Boy, men who don't have a wife don't know what they are missing." He has, he will and he did.
The first thing I thought? "Wow, he really just may die before he is 50," which is at the end of November. He is frail, his kidneys are only working at 24% of their capacity, he had several mini-strokes over the weekend, he is having trouble breathing, he can barely hold anything in his hands. His muscle control is lessening due to the strokes, his legs are swollen beyond recognition, his skin is turning dark, he can barely hear, and his eyes are failing.
All this from diabetes and high blood pressure. He lived the wild life, all his life and now he is paying the piper. Oh yes, he certainly danced to the music. I often watched him in awe throughout the years, secretly wishing I had the nerve to live so recklessly, at least a little. Instead, I stayed on course and did my best to bring some balance and awareness in his life.
Now that we are on the other side and are actually enjoying each other on many levels, his health is a big issue. It is really hard to get in the mood for much after watching someone throw up their guts. I told him Sunday, "You know, we are really blessed to have each other and to have had each other for so long." He agreed. He began to look for something and I lead him directly to it. He turn and said, "Boy, men who don't have a wife don't know what they are missing." He has, he will and he did.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Friends
I do not have many friends and I will admit it is my fault. I am very guarded and have tremendous boundaries. I cannot say this makes me unhappy. But it sure would be nice to have people who were there for me when I just need some comfort, love, concern and support.
Oftentimes, people see me as superwoman and tell me, "Oh, you'll be alright. You always are." Yes, I am resilient, thank God, because I need to be. My husband is slipping away right before my eyes. There is a part of me that has no sympathy for him because his lifestyle has gotten him in this situation. But the greatest part of me, my humanity, reaches out to him. I feel for him. I care for him. I am being a friend to him.
Still I need someone for me.
Oftentimes, people see me as superwoman and tell me, "Oh, you'll be alright. You always are." Yes, I am resilient, thank God, because I need to be. My husband is slipping away right before my eyes. There is a part of me that has no sympathy for him because his lifestyle has gotten him in this situation. But the greatest part of me, my humanity, reaches out to him. I feel for him. I care for him. I am being a friend to him.
Still I need someone for me.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Tide and Time
After being with the same man for 25 years, I have been looking at our relationship differently. I look at it as though it is an entity of it's own. Marriage really has been given a bad reputation by those who did not know how to be married. After the divorce, anytime someone mentions marriage they bristle and moan and talk bad about marriage in third person. They make it sound like had it not been for marriage, their life would have been better. When in fact, as many later come to realize, it wasn't the marriage that was the problem, it was theirs and their spouses inability to effectively use the tools of marriage to stay married.
My husband and I have a new issue. He has become very hands on. He has always been affectionate. He often stands behind me and kisses me on my neck. He swats my butt when I walk by and makes intense eye contact. But something has changed for him. He cannot seem to keep his hands off me.
I get in the bed to either relax, or go to sleep. I seldom just lay around. Within the last six months, it seems he can't be next to me without reaching out to me. Although I can be affectionate, I don't like being randomly touched. People really almost need an appointment to touch me, unless I see them bracing up for a hug, I usually let hugs slide. But this constant groping and pawing. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd have to push him off me.
Last night I reminded him how when we first met, he was not used to being touched randomly and would bat me away. Sometimes he'd even run. I could see the terror in his eyes, but I was so insecure at the time, it was easier for me to take it personally. It was only after I talked to his cousin and he explained to me how men do not grow up like woman having people wanting to hug them and touch them, unless it is a parent or family member. Whereas as women, we share a completely different reality. I was able to comprehend and was able to accept where my husband was coming from.
Boy has he learned to hug and kiss, and touch. I just laugh and laugh and run and say no, and we play, then we stop and catch our breathe and laugh. We forget, we're not 24 and 25 anymore. He's 49, I'm 48. We are lucky in so many ways. I just keep trying to get out of the way and claim God's will for our marriage.
My husband and I have a new issue. He has become very hands on. He has always been affectionate. He often stands behind me and kisses me on my neck. He swats my butt when I walk by and makes intense eye contact. But something has changed for him. He cannot seem to keep his hands off me.
I get in the bed to either relax, or go to sleep. I seldom just lay around. Within the last six months, it seems he can't be next to me without reaching out to me. Although I can be affectionate, I don't like being randomly touched. People really almost need an appointment to touch me, unless I see them bracing up for a hug, I usually let hugs slide. But this constant groping and pawing. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd have to push him off me.
Last night I reminded him how when we first met, he was not used to being touched randomly and would bat me away. Sometimes he'd even run. I could see the terror in his eyes, but I was so insecure at the time, it was easier for me to take it personally. It was only after I talked to his cousin and he explained to me how men do not grow up like woman having people wanting to hug them and touch them, unless it is a parent or family member. Whereas as women, we share a completely different reality. I was able to comprehend and was able to accept where my husband was coming from.
Boy has he learned to hug and kiss, and touch. I just laugh and laugh and run and say no, and we play, then we stop and catch our breathe and laugh. We forget, we're not 24 and 25 anymore. He's 49, I'm 48. We are lucky in so many ways. I just keep trying to get out of the way and claim God's will for our marriage.
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