How I Control My Emotions

It will three weeks tomorrow my husband and I have been separated. Yesterday was the first day I cried over the loss of the relationship. Although I know it is for the best, a sadness creeped up yesterday that had me tearing up off and on throughout the day.

I do find it sad that he could not allow himself to be treated well. All the guilt and regret of a life full of bullshit caught up with him and even the thought of being a better person drove him deeper into despair.

When I find myself thinking negative thoughts, I immediately pray, or think of something good, or positive. I control my emotions with my thoughts. I don't go with negative feelings. Instead, I use my head to guide me through the emotional peaks and valleys.

Remembering I am doing well and that things can only get better helps a lot. Unlike other times when we have been separated, I do not feel the longing I used to feel for him. Now, I recognize completely that all I was loving and caring for was a body when I was with him. He was not receptive of it, maybe another body will be.

I control my emotions by first recognizing and accepting where I am at the moment. Then I imagine how I want to feel and work towards making the feelings arise. I quiet my mind and allow positive vibes to flow through me. I accept I am human and that loss is a part of life. I tell myself to believe in tomorrow and leave today without regrets.

I control my emotions, by recognizing I control my emotions.

Ready If I Don't Get to Go

I was ready for the day my husband would do something to push me out of his life. Although I was surprised at how it ended, I wasn't surprised it ended.

I commend him for staying as long as he did and doing as much as he tried to do. He thought he really wanted to be a family man but he was not made out for it. His level of selfishness is too high and his willingness to be a better person is too low. He just couldn't make the cut.

I was committed to the marriage and as long as he was willing to go through the motions, I was too because we both were growing as individuals.

What I didn't do was stop being who I was. I didn't stop living my life. I didn't lose me in the process of being married to him. Even though I was completely involved, I was detached in all the right ways. Now that it is over, the pain that is usually associated with loss is lessened by the reality that I loved him unconditionally, as much as I am humanly possible of and I don't regret a moment of it, but I am glad it is over.

He didn't have what it takes to be civil and decent. He is so institutionalized until he can barely relate on a level that would allow others to really reach him. Although I do believe I touched him him many ways, his abandonment issues would not allow him to let himself be loved. He had to push it away. His illness and my response to it made him feel unworthy of my care taking. He couldn't believe I was not the vindictive, revengeful woman he had painted me out to be.

My loving ways scared him more than if I had been mean and resentful of him. He couldn't handle to constant willingness to forgive and love anyway. It was all too much, so he pushed me away.

The good thing about it all is I'm ready if I don't get to go. I'm prepared for a better life, more opportunities to love and the peace of mind to do so. You don't have to lose you when you lose the one you love.

That Loving Feeling

For a long time I fought, in my mind, that my husband was the man God meant me to be with. I was full of anger so it was easy for me to dismiss him and put him out for the least little infraction. Early in our relationship I lacked compassion and understanding. I had certain expectations and I was quick to administer punishment if they were not met.

Many of the infractions were not things I was willing to overlook. Not being able to tap into to God in me at that time, I used my anger to build a wall between me and the deep feelings I obviously had for him.

I did this for years and years. It took the infidelity to make me really look at myself and finally accept, I do love him. I had to accept, in the secular world's view I could do better, but there was something within me that knew, I could not find a better love.

I've experienced it all. My dreams, my nightmares, my doubts, my fears and God has carried me through everyone. Now that I am following God's will, getting to that loving feeling is effortless. I look at him with loving eyes. I continually focus on the good things about him and pray for help to leave the rest to God.

Seeking that loving feeling is important to sustaining a long-term relationship. I've always been able to get back to love with him. I've been blessed that way.

The Hardest Thing

It used to be the hardest thing for me to do was to allow others to question me without becoming defensive, or trying to explain myself. Since I've taken on the calling of Martyr for Marriage, I have been challenged in some way almost everyday.

From family to friends, Christian or not, folk expect me to act like everyone else would in my situation. They expect me to leave my husband, especially since things have gotten even more difficult with his chronic illness. They want to see me break, or they want to hear me cry, or they want to me to really complain. They obviously don't know God like I do. The obviously are missing something spiritually.

I recognize and respect this. I was like them until I listened to God's will. I didn't get to where I am until I went where everyone feels I should go, to the divorce court. Filing for divorce showed me I didn't want a divorce. After making that decision, I had to examine why I felt that way and it became clear to me, I want to please God. I don't own anyone an explanation for my decision to stay married to someone who has been disrespect, disloyal, irresponsible and unreliable.

I feel blessed to have had such a formidable opponent during this spiritual battle. Believe me when I tell you, God is winning. He triumph's every time my husband looks at himself first before blaming others, every time he takes his medicine, and goes to his appointments. God wins with each expression of regret, willingness to repent, and moments of clarity and self-awareness.

Yes, they are baby steps, but they are steps in the right direction. God knew what he was doing when He declared marriage sacred and forever. Forever is a long time, and some of us need almost forever to grasp certain concepts, principles, etc. Does that mean they do not deserve to be loved until they get them? Does it mean, because they aren't spiritually on your level that you are not obligated to love them?

Many like to throw up to me, "What does darkness have to do with light?" My reply, "Everything, one does not exist without the other. The darkness needs the light to guide the way." I am not running from my decision to marry the man I did. It is all in God's hands and plan. I pray for those who can't accept what is.

Another Good Time

My husband has been taking his medication consistently for over a month now. I am very happy for him from the standpoint of his blood pressure being regulated, but what it does to him is awful. We went out yesterday to do some routine shopping. He got dizzy riding around in the cart. He literally couldn't keep his balance sitting up. I am sure anyone who witnessed us thought he was drunk. I stopped briefly to go into a store that does not have the riding carts. He refused to stay in the car. He couldn't leave the counter the entire time. He can't give up living his life, but he is having a hard time living his. On the way, we talked about why were with each other. He tried to make a joke out of it stating that I was with him because no one else was going to love me like he does or put up with me. I challenged his statements and let him know I know there are women out there that would take him as broke down as he is. They might not keep him, but they would still take him and find out later he ain't worth keeping. He then said to me, "I don't wish me on you." I said, "Really! Does that mean I can leave? I don't have to have the experience." He got silent. "Well, can I leave?" He gave me the "over my dead body look." We laughed. I am so interested to see how this thing is going to unfold. I want to know. I am involved in my life.

I Got The Feeling

I am having feelings of detachment and that's a good thing. I feel so far away from most people I meet in many ways. I am a faith-filled person. I lean on hope and thrive off of love. Self-love saved me from a life of regret and allowed to do what is mandated of me. I know how to love.

I am experiencing feelings of disconnect and that's a good thing. The world is so full of people seeking things to make them feel loved, or whole. I know that I have myself t remind me of love. I know I do not need the approval of man of man to live may life. I am fully aware of the pitfalls of leaning too much on my own understanding, to I have learned to go with the flow and let life unfold.

I am sure I feel go most of the time and glad I feel all of the time. I am a living, breathing, woman open to life and all it has to offer. I'm glad I got the feeling thing going on.

Peer Pressure

I know I mentioned my son and husband fell out once again. This time my son was all the way wrong, but allowed his built up resentment and anger override his logical thinking.

Thank God peer pressure can be positive. One of his friends helped him to see that he was wrong in the actions he took. We talked and I am even more proud of my son who apologized and listened to me. He said, "Mom, I don't ever want us to have an argument like that again."

I let him know he needed to have his say and that I was not mad at him and that I hoped he could find away to reach out to his dad. We will see.

If It Don't Fit

When I was a kid in the early 70's, there was a song by Kellee Patterson called, If It Don't Fit,
the chorus said:

If it don't fit, don't force it
just relax and let it go
just cause that's how you want it
doesn't mean it will be so

Even though I believe I am in a God ordained marriage, I still am faced with the many ways the marriage does not fit me. There are a lot of things I want out of my marriage that I will never get. Having to accept that has been hard over the years, but lately I have come to terms with the reality that my marriage is so much more about the future than anything else.

My husband and I, as jacked up as we are, have been able to rear two marvelous children. We've managed to remain cordial and for the most part respectful of each other, even though we both know, we probably could have lived just as well are better with another partner. What amazes us is that we have been able to stay together no matter what has come against us.

I have a clear understanding of what is causing him to have the heart attacks and it is his blood pressure and the fact he does not take his medicine. As I sat there and listened to the doctors, I realized how much control he really does have and that he is unwilling to do what can keep him alive and healthy. This has made me want to leave him.

He is a quitter and quitters never when. I am winner. All day long, I ain't gon lie. I would never give up on me. But I may have to give up on him. He has begun his usual pattern of blaming me, being mean, and disregarding my feelings. He does this when he thinks he should take center stage, but like I've told him before, he created this mess. Had he listened to me at any other the times I've tried to get him to take care of himself, we would not be here.

I will sit back and watch to see if he will begin taking his medicine. I really don't think he will. I truly think he will continue to do what he hasn't been doing that has gotten him to this place.

Non-Resistance, this is the way. I will not resist his desire to kill himself. My running his life does not fit into the lifestyle I choose to lead. I will not force my way onto him. I will let live his, or not live, his life.

Damaged Soul

The work I do, working with emotionally challenged teen aged females, has afforded me the knowledge that sometimes the damage is done and there is no looking back.
This is the case with my husband. At 50 years old, he is just as lost and unstable as he was 10, 15, 20 years ago.

He has never sought the help needed to deal with the spiritual warfare he has been in for years. He has such a mean spirit and it shows itself at the wrong time all the time. He has low impulse control, and is unable to accept when he is wrong, especially when he is wrong. He immediately projects unto others, that which is clearly his and feels that he deserves grace, whether he is willing to give it or not.

Even though he is very sick, I do not bite my tongue with him. While he is alive he needs to try to be a better person. And yes, I do feel I am in his life to be mirror for some of his madness. I have no problem reflecting what he projects so he can see how ugly he can be at times.

I really think things have been going too well for him. He can't stand things going right. It never fails that he does something stupid to mess everything up. He is such a damaged soul.

You So Brave

It amazes how folk like to label you. I told my Facebook family that my husband had been unfaithful. I received a reply stating that I was brave to share my testimony with others. I am sure this same person considers herself a Christian and probably believes she adheres to the tenets of Christianity. I would have expected her to recognize that I am doing what Jesus would do. He shared his pain with and his purpose with us.

We are mandated to share the glory of the Creator in our lives. I was redeemed and renewed when I gave up my idea of what I thought a wife should be. I had a whole lot of crazy ideas, issues and hang-ups. When I accepted the role I played in assisting my husband with choosing to deal with our problems by having an affair, it changed the way I dealt with him and myself.

I found I was doing too much and of course, he wasn't doing enough. My decision to write two books about the ordeal came directly from my belief that in order for things to get better those of us who have made it through the fire without smelling like smoke give testimony to the glory of God.

No, I am not brave. I am obedient.

Feelings

I am having feelings that tend to make me want to leave where I am and do something different with different people. I have grown tired of the routine I have set for myself, even though oddly enough it is still gratifying when I want to fall back on it. Yet, I yearn for a new way of life. I am craving myself. I want to be with me.

I have been responsible since I was 17 years old. I have had to tow the line and be mature and take care of others and now I want my time, but I still have a teenager to get out of high school and into college. Sometimes I get frightened by how real my desires are to be free. I want to soar. I have been flying for a while now. I am ready for new heights.

Having a chronically ill husband probably has a lot to do with it. He is so sick I just can't seem to get away from it. We spend a lot of time together up close and personal which really isn't bad because we have a good relationship. It amazes how we have gotten to the point where we don't argue. We say what needs to be said and leave it at that. So, I can't say that I'm stressed out because we aren't getting along. I can't remember the last time I was angry with him, or he me for that matter, still I just want a break. I need to deal with these feelings.

Life 101

Myhusband is a but man. Whenever you tell him something that is true, or right, he'll say, "You right, but.

Life 101
"You said, 'but.' I've put my finger on the whole trouble. You're a 'but' man. Don't say, 'but.' That little word 'but' is the difference between success and failure. Henry Ford said, 'I'm going to invent the automobile,' and Arthur T. Flanken said, 'But...'" Sgt. Ernie Bilko, "The Phil Silvers Show"

Unfortunately, my husband has always been that way and his life shows it. He always finds a 'but' to insert and it usually wipes away any chance that something could be different or better. Now that he is chronically ill, I see how his negativity is causing him to have more bad days than good. For some reason, he just can't seem to understand he can't overeat. Not only because he is diabetic, but due to the severity of the diabetes his body is no longer able to process large amounts of food. He suffers greatly for days, sometimes weeks at a time. I look at him and think to myself, "If only he believed more. If only he would get out of his own way."

Instead, he consistently loses each day he begins. He holds on to things he should have long let go. He lies to others and himself and he refuses to accept the situation for what it is. He will never again be the same. The strokes, heart attack, kidney failure, and now liver failure, have all caused his illness to go to another level. He hasn't changed his ways.

I often wonder, "My God, what will it take for him to do something different?" It may never happen and I am prepared for that too.

Free Will

WE all have free will. Most of us exercise it, but many of us give away our power to others. I'm not sure why people do this. I could list a million reasons, but none really answer the question as to why a person would give up themselves for another.

Why do you think it happens?

Empathy

Many women are probably going to think I am crazy when I say I can understand why some men are unfaithful.

When I had my son, I was astonished by the number of times I had to literally touch his penis. It made me think about how hard it must be to have such a sensitive spot being touched all the time. The fact that it is also a sex organ really made me pay attention to the reality that men really do have a lot of biological factors that make it hard for them to be monogamous.

It is easier for women to say no. Our sensitive places, (other than nipples) are secluded. Whereas a man has to touch his penis each time he uses the bathroom, put his pants and underwear on, etc. No wonder so many of them have a problem keeping it in their pants. They never really get a chance not to think about it.

I understand why they masturbate. I understand why they focus on it. It is a lot to ask a man not to think about the needs of his organ. A man does have to rise above his flesh constantly and that is hard for any of us to do. We want what we want, sometimes without justification, but we want it just the same.

I do not believe in monogamy. There is nothing I have learned during my years of schooling, watching documentaries, or living life that has made me believe it is even truly possible for the majority of us. It really does take a strong conviction and a willingness not to let your physical wants, needs, and desires to take over your life.

We all know men are simple, plain and simple. It makes sense to them to satisfy themselves when they feel the need. It is all a mind game and if you have a weak mind, you probably will have weak relations with others.

It really comes down the to the individual and whether or not they are able, or want to control themselves.

Just because I understand does not mean I agree. I am sure there are many men who have been able to rise above their need to feel their nature rise. I just don't know any.

Paying Attention

There is love all around. Pay attention!

On the Outside Looking In

If you are on the outside looking into my marital relationship, you are probably thinking, "Why would she stay?"

People who know my situation probably think I'm a fool. They think this because society dictates that anyone who endures situations, circumstances, life in general is a sucker. In today's world of microwave lifestyles, soundbite conversation, acronyms, and short-cuts, anyone who stands for something is looked at as really taking a fall.

I choose to stay in my marriage. It was unhealthy for me for a long time and when it became too much to bear, I separated from what I believed to be the source of my problems, my husband. It didn't take long, or much for me to realize I was just as much the problem as he when it came to our union. I am not perfect, even though I come damn close.

My husband is one of those people who has figured out how to get his needs met without too much effort on his part. He leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to being involved in a relationship. Yes, I admit, I probably shouldn't have married him, but he also married me, knowing he wasn't marriage material, but he wanted to be. Unfortunately, in his case, wanting to be married never manifested in his becoming more marriageable, but it doesn't matter, because he is married.

He married me knowing he probably should not have. I married him knowing I probably should not have. Why did we? Because we have a strong chemistry, a serious spiritual bond and a deep love of family. These things have kept us together for over 25 years. We have deep feelings to fall back on when all else fails. I can sincerely say I love my husband without a doubt. He loves me to the extent he loves himself. So, it is a day-to-day thing. Good thing we only get one day at a time. That's all I need. Tomorrow is not promised to you, but if you got love today, you got it all.

Sometimes I think people are upset that I know how to love unconditionally. Surely, I should want to have conditions and expectations on and of the man I'm with. Too late. I married for love. Nothing more, nothing less. So I don't get upset when he falls short in other areas, as long as at the end of the day, when he wraps his arms around me, I feel loved.

Yeah, I know. Love don't put food on the table, it don't pay the rent, etc. I don't need it to do that. I do that and gladly. I've said hundreds of times. I don't expect others to understand, or to even care about my situation. I do expect them to keep their comments to themselves if they are not positive. We are doing something right. Our kids are marvelous, well-educated, well-spoken, manner able, thoughtful, and generous. They believe in God and family and I don't expect anything more from them except to love and they know how to do that too.

It is so easy to think, "Wanda, you'd be better off without him. Your life would be so different. You could do this, and you could do that."

What they fail to understand or don't care to know is I was dead spiritually before my husband came into my life. Yes, now that I have gotten to know the real him, I probably wouldn't have married him had I known these things early on, but that is how God planned it. Because I was willing to take the journey of discovery, I have been allowed to be apart of the life of another. Someone who I randomly met 25 years ago. Someone who walked into my life and challenged everything about it. Someone who helped me learn how to live.

You can't buy that. You can't steal it. You have to live it. You have to go through it. I'm holding on. I'm not so arrogant to believe that I would fair any better than the 80% of those who divorce after getting married a second time.

They divorce again because they brought the problem with them to the second marriage, themselves. I've used my raggedy marriage to straighten up my life, to become the woman I always wanted to be and to be a light of hope and encouragement for my children. Although, they too, question my motives, each day the full picture comes more and more into focus. They can see! They can see!

I Get the Feeling

Sometimes I get a lot of feelings around subjects. I feel like I should say a certain thing, or do a certain thing, or be a certain place. Instead of fragmenting myself, I write. I write a lot. I have a journal and I notice I don't write in it as much when I am experiencing stress in a positive sense. I take the time to give thanks and praise for the gifts, good news, less energy wasted, or whatever the case may be, but I don't go into as much detail as I would when I am upset, anger, furious, ready to kill, melancholy.

Melancholy is intoxicating. As does meaning words, melancholy has several meanings. It can mean 1. Sadness or depression of spirits, gloom. 2. Pensive reflective or comtemplative. I experience more of #2. I am quite pensive, reflective and comtemplative. It is truly as much a part of who I am as my eye color. What I like even more is that I have learned to control it, and recognize it, (melancholy) for what it is. I see its benefits in my life and I use it for it usefulness.

Peace

Everybody Plays the Fool, Sometimes

It is so true. Everybody who is smart enough to know they are nothing if they do not love and are not loved, will play the fool at some point in their lives.

For me, I decided I'd stay with the one who made a fool out of me. Since he was so smart, I wanted to see if he could finally figure out how to really get rid of me. Ultimately, he decided it was he, who was the fool and has decided it is cheaper to keep her (me).

You cannot allow yourself the luxury of not sharing your heart and soul with someone. Yes, it is a luxury not to love. Love can be pretty grueling. You really have to be ready to be a catch all, or sometimes you're the pitcher in the game of love. Either way, somebody is going to be hurt in some way. What we must do is recognize to experience love, you must know pain. To be happy, you have to have been sad. What comes around does go around. Sometimes faster than we'd like.

But when it is love we are dishing out, it doesn't matter. Love does conquer all. Love is the key. All we do need is love, love really is all we need. So what if you get your heart broken, be glad you are alive and can feel. Don't stop giving love because one person wasn't able to accept it. There is someone who will not only accept it, but give it back to you.

Yes, everybody plays the fool, sometimes, and no, there are no exceptions to this rule.