How To Remove Fear

You remove fear with faith. Faith allows you to keep hope alive. Hope keeps you alive. The more alive you feel, the less fear can creep in.

My husband is afraid to really live. He exist and can't understand he is in control of whether he lives a rich life or not.

He is so bitter towards me and it is such a shame. It is only that way because I put a stop to his reign of terror. I won't let him get away with what he's being getting by with. He is scared and childish, a paralyzing combination.

You remove fear by learning to lean on God and not your own understanding. Plain and simple.

God's Will Be Done

The solution! It is clear to me it is God's will my husband and I live in separate spaces. There are many reason this is necessary. My son actually spent the night with his father in his new place. When he came home I asked him, "So, how was the sleepover?"

He had to laugh and so do I. We chuckled for a while and then he said, "He's lonely. Yeah, Ma, I'm trying to change and grow while I'm in my 20's. I have to at least try."

I agreed with him and as we continued to talk about the time he spent with his dad, I felt a tug on my heart. It felt warm and complete. I still got what I wanted most and that was for my husband to have a relationship with his children. I said to my son, "He shoulda been a "babies daddy."

"Shoulda, woulda, coulda, it is too late now." My son said with assurance and we began to mock my stupid statement and laugh. I told my boy how proud I am of him to that he is stepping up and taking care of his dad. He is taking him to surgery today and will pick him up. I am so blessed. I am extremely happy. Whether we are together or not, we are a family. My marriage is traditional is the best sense because it is been driven by God's will.

If I had my way, he would be home with me, but that is not how it can be. God has work to do on him and He can't with me around. My husband doesn't believe enough on a spiritual level, yet. God is working on him. God's will is being done.

No Explanation

There is no true explanation for why a person chooses to ruin their lives. There is a certain amount of relief they feel that is evident by the way the recover. In my husband's case, he is recovering very well. He has landed on his feet, which I always knew he would. He wanted to play the victim role with me and I wasn't having it. Somebody has to be the man.

He cannot explain his actions, nor has he really tried to. All he can say is "we shouldn't be going through this." Yet in still, we are. We are because of him and his inability to love. He told me he didn't have anything against me. I told him I think he does and his actions show it.

Until he figures it out, anyway the wind blows is cool with me.

Why I Am Okay

A friend asked me how I was holding up. Before that question she had talked about the sermon her minister gave regarding being redeemed. I replied to her question, "I am redeemed."

I obeyed God and stayed in my marriage until it was clearly no hope of survival. I encountered was rough patches, but for the most part, I must admit, I did it with ease. I withstood situations, scenarios, and circumstances; that quite frankly would have sent some of the baddest sisters a runnin'. I hung in there.

God promised me, me at the end. I knew I would have my mind, body, and soul intact. I obeyed and now that it is over, I feel transformed. I have learned so much loving someone who was hard to love.

My next few post will be about what I learned during my 26 year relationship with one man.

I am okay because I believed and had faith I would be a victor when all was said and done. There is no loss.

Ready If I Don't Get to Go

I was ready for the day my husband would do something to push me out of his life. Although I was surprised at how it ended, I wasn't surprised it ended.

I commend him for staying as long as he did and doing as much as he tried to do. He thought he really wanted to be a family man but he was not made out for it. His level of selfishness is too high and his willingness to be a better person is too low. He just couldn't make the cut.

I was committed to the marriage and as long as he was willing to go through the motions, I was too because we both were growing as individuals.

What I didn't do was stop being who I was. I didn't stop living my life. I didn't lose me in the process of being married to him. Even though I was completely involved, I was detached in all the right ways. Now that it is over, the pain that is usually associated with loss is lessened by the reality that I loved him unconditionally, as much as I am humanly possible of and I don't regret a moment of it, but I am glad it is over.

He didn't have what it takes to be civil and decent. He is so institutionalized until he can barely relate on a level that would allow others to really reach him. Although I do believe I touched him him many ways, his abandonment issues would not allow him to let himself be loved. He had to push it away. His illness and my response to it made him feel unworthy of my care taking. He couldn't believe I was not the vindictive, revengeful woman he had painted me out to be.

My loving ways scared him more than if I had been mean and resentful of him. He couldn't handle to constant willingness to forgive and love anyway. It was all too much, so he pushed me away.

The good thing about it all is I'm ready if I don't get to go. I'm prepared for a better life, more opportunities to love and the peace of mind to do so. You don't have to lose you when you lose the one you love.

No Matter What

No matter what you do as a parent your children will find something wrong with you. I'm going through it right now because my children feel they have the right to tell me who I should be married to.

Even they can't complain about the mother I've been to them, but they still feel I am putting their father before them because I have chosen to keep my family together. I know when they get older they will understand, but it sure is not much comfort right now.

My son has it the worse because he is comparing himself to his dad and he feels I can do better. No one can do better than having someone in their life who gets them. Someone who allows them to be who they are and are supportive of their efforts to express themselves. This is what they do not understand about my relationship with my husband. We both have found the person who loves us for who we are. That matters to me more than anything.

No, their father has not been a good husband to me. And now that he is sick, he probably will only get to be better a short while, but I want that. I want whatever he can give that is better. He is putting forth the effort, which they won't see because it is between us.

All I know is I've done my job as a parent and I'm not allowing anyone to tell me who to love.

Chronically Ill-5

He did go, but he did not have the procedure. I had to really let go and let God because it was very upsetting to me to see how unwilling he was to save his own life. They sent him home that day and told him they would contact later. They got a hold of him yesterday and even set up an appointment which he literally begged out loud not to happen. Even though he went, there is a part of him that is so fearful that keeps entertaining not taking dialysis, which will translate into death for sure. I have become silent and have very little to add when he asks me what I think. I just don't want to make matters any worse. It is more than obvious we have different views on personal health care. I am blessed to have learned some things in my 30's, that are benefiting me now when I truly need it the most. He is not the only person in my life unwilling to live a healthy lifestyle and do what is needed to keep themselves alive. I see self-hate in almost every face I look in and it is tragic. He tried to be surprised when I said, "And when I pray for you." He stopped me with, "You pray for me?" "Of course I pray for you." I went on with what I was saying. There was no point into going off into the prayer thing. he knows. We'll he is supposed to have the surgery on Thursday. Stay tuned.

The Real Deal

One thing I can say for sure, when you meet me you meet the real deal. I don't feel entitled to your respect so I will respect you first, in hopes you will respect. If you cannot, then we can do it your way.

I'm not a quitter. I'm not a loser. I am not looking for something for nothing. I am not afraid to stand up for what I know is right. I know I have been bought and paid for, therefore I owe no man.

Like millions before me, and millions to come after, I am not in the most ideal marital relationship. The person I married turned out to be a lot different than me in ways that keep us from communicating on a level I can handle. I was a victim of romance, of wallowing in my own grief brought on by the realization I was not loved by my primary caretakers. I wore the hurt and pain of my childhood like a badge. I chose another wounded soul, but what masked as confidence was pure male ego, and macho bullshit.

Kind, generous at times, good manners, thoughtful and attentive; he fooled me. These were his tools of manipulation to lure his victim into his web of lies, deceit, and out right foolishness. By the time, I figured all this out, we had two kids, etc.

I decided to become a martyr for marriage because I am strong enough to delay my needs, wants and desires for what I know in the long run will be better for my family. I'm the real deal. The ride or die chick. The one that will be there to the end.

Kids Just Don't Understand

I remember clearly as a teenager telling my mother she should divorce my father. To me, they argued a lot and didn't seem to like each other much. One day I actually went to both of them and asked them both to get a divorce. My mother was making the bed and told me, "I made my bed. I am going to lie in it."

My father was less philosophical. He point blank said, "That ain't what you want. Your life would change drastically. You won't have what you have now." I left it alone.

Now that I am a parent and have a rocky marriage, my children have done the same to me. Although my husband has given me more reason to divorce, I have decided that it is not an option for me. So I look like a fool to my kids, because they just don't understand and won't until they either become more enlightened, or have families of their own.

My son is upset because his dad is not the man he thought he was. He is so hurt by this until he feels I should feel the same. I am sure at some point in time I did feel a lot of anger once I realized my husband would probably never be the type of man "I" think I would have wanted or needed. I recognize that I don't always know what is best for me and even though I thought I wanted something different, the man God has put in my life, turned out to be perfect for me.

My kids will never know how much their father and I share and that is as it should be. It really is not any of their business, yet somehow they feel it is. They feel I should make a choice between them and him, when I choose my family. Kids just don't understand.

Grounded

When E-Harmony advertised that it was allowing anyone to take their free compatibility surveys, I decided to do it. It took at least 30 minutes and really did ask some deep questions. When it was over and I submitted my answers, my score came back stating I was a "balanced" person, who seemed to be grounded and capable of being in a relationship with just about anyone.

I do believe part of the reason for my grounded personality has to do with my being a Capricorn. Capricorn is an earth sign. I have always felt a deep connection with nature and has held a belief that being a natural as possible is the only way to live.

Being married has grounded me even more. Staying with the same person wasn't as hard as others seem to find it. I really think a lot of people have trouble relating to themselves and this is why they have such a hard time with others. I have consistently worked on my personality because I have always believed I could get along with just about anybody. There are personalities out there that I wouldn't even attempt to understand, but for the most part, I feel people are people.

I use meditation to help me stay grounded, prayer to make a connect with God, and patience to walk this journey with the confidence needed to build the type of life I can be proud of. I am glad that money is not my true desire, as much as it is to help others achieve their goals and dreams in anyway I can. I am a worker bee. I like to produce. I like results.

As grounded as I am, I am also very creative and am able to think not only out of the box, but sometimes I don't recognize there was a box. I like being different because I am different and my uniqueness is what makes what I bring to any situation better.

I am proud to have my head on right. I am very happy to be me. I can only wish the same for others.

You So Brave

It amazes how folk like to label you. I told my Facebook family that my husband had been unfaithful. I received a reply stating that I was brave to share my testimony with others. I am sure this same person considers herself a Christian and probably believes she adheres to the tenets of Christianity. I would have expected her to recognize that I am doing what Jesus would do. He shared his pain with and his purpose with us.

We are mandated to share the glory of the Creator in our lives. I was redeemed and renewed when I gave up my idea of what I thought a wife should be. I had a whole lot of crazy ideas, issues and hang-ups. When I accepted the role I played in assisting my husband with choosing to deal with our problems by having an affair, it changed the way I dealt with him and myself.

I found I was doing too much and of course, he wasn't doing enough. My decision to write two books about the ordeal came directly from my belief that in order for things to get better those of us who have made it through the fire without smelling like smoke give testimony to the glory of God.

No, I am not brave. I am obedient.

Life 101

Myhusband is a but man. Whenever you tell him something that is true, or right, he'll say, "You right, but.

Life 101
"You said, 'but.' I've put my finger on the whole trouble. You're a 'but' man. Don't say, 'but.' That little word 'but' is the difference between success and failure. Henry Ford said, 'I'm going to invent the automobile,' and Arthur T. Flanken said, 'But...'" Sgt. Ernie Bilko, "The Phil Silvers Show"

Unfortunately, my husband has always been that way and his life shows it. He always finds a 'but' to insert and it usually wipes away any chance that something could be different or better. Now that he is chronically ill, I see how his negativity is causing him to have more bad days than good. For some reason, he just can't seem to understand he can't overeat. Not only because he is diabetic, but due to the severity of the diabetes his body is no longer able to process large amounts of food. He suffers greatly for days, sometimes weeks at a time. I look at him and think to myself, "If only he believed more. If only he would get out of his own way."

Instead, he consistently loses each day he begins. He holds on to things he should have long let go. He lies to others and himself and he refuses to accept the situation for what it is. He will never again be the same. The strokes, heart attack, kidney failure, and now liver failure, have all caused his illness to go to another level. He hasn't changed his ways.

I often wonder, "My God, what will it take for him to do something different?" It may never happen and I am prepared for that too.

What We Do Right

If you were to ask my husband why he stays married, he would first say because of our children. I have no problem with that. Staying because of the children is a good thing if the couple can be civil. I think more people would stay because of the kids if they could only act civil. That is not the caase. Most married folk are to immature to try to get along. Ultimately being married means you have to mature. You have grin and bear. You have to be willing to do the work.
I think my husband and I are right for making an effort to get along. We are so different in almost every way. The fact we can rally together for the sake of family the sake of family adds to my happiness.

He Don't Like Women

When men don't like women, they are usually afraid of them. They don't understand the females, thus they are disparaging and condescending.

Ask yourself:

1. Does he believe woman was born to serve and service man?
2. Does he "own" her?
3. Is he born to give her orders?
4. Is she supposed to obey him?
5. Is woman innately dumb? Without opinions worth listening to.
6. What are his attitudes about shared responsibilities, about decision making, household and child-rearing chores, job-holding and how the money is used?
7. if dinner isn't on the table at 6:02, will he help or hit?
8. How secure is he? Is he so insecure that he's go to devalue his mate in order to inflate his ego?
9. Does he make a show of being supersecure, taking command of situations and people? The woman in his life--does she feel that as long as she's nearly perfect, everything will be all right? What will happen if she's herself? What is he like when he's angry? When he hears a differing viewpoint?
10. What is know about violence in his family? Ask, are you afraid too?

Many women do not know their husbands family history. He may not be willing to tell you that his dad beat his mom every night. Women need to know that no one has the right to abuse another person. Everyone has the right to develop into the person they are meant to be, to make changes and decisions about their own lives. We all have the right to our own thoughts and feelings and to learn new ways of thinking and behaving.

If you are in a bad situation, know this:

1. I do not cause another person's violent behavior.
2. I do not like or want to be beaten.
3. I do not have to take it.
4. I am an important human being.
5. I deserve to be treated with respect.
6. I do have power over my own life.
7. I can use my power to take good care of myself.
8. I can decide what is best for me.
9. I can make changes in my life if I want to.
10. I am not alone; I can ask others for help.
11. I am worth working for and changing for.
12. I deserve a safe and healthy life.
13. I have the right to live in the safety and calm of a violence free home
14. I have the right to personal happiness without interference.I have the right to live in my own house without being molested or injured.

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Problem Solving

Did you know there are six steps to problem solving? I know many people don't know that. They think drinking a glass of wine and worrying will solve their problems. They think telling everyone they know will help them find the answer. They think running to the arms of someone other than their spouse will solve the problem.

Well here are the six steps to solving problems:

1. Defind the problem-Get a clear idea of what the problem really is. Oftentimes, we don't really understand the issue at hand.
2. Generate possible solutions-You hear people say, after making a stupid decision, "Well, I thought I had no other choice." People limit themselves when it comes to possible solutions to the problems of their lives when in fact there are usually at least four or five solutions that are viable.
3. Evaluate the solutions-Take time to figure out if the solution will be a win/win for all involved.
4. Making the decision-After going over the possiblities, one solution may stick out more than another. If you are still having trouble with the solution, rework it until one clearly seems to be the answer.
5. Determine the implementation-Figure out how you are going to execute your solution. Figure out who is going to do what and follow up until it is done.
6. Assessing the success-Is the problem solved? Are you satisfied with the solution?

Taking the time to use these steps will make a difference when problems arise.
5.

Fun

I grew up too fast. I was never big on fun as a kid because where I grew up people often died for the sake of a good time.

My father would often comment, "You are going to be an old lady trying to have fun." He was right, but the great thing about it is I know how to have age appropriate fun. I am enjoying approaching 50 and I pray my health remains great and also my spirit.

I must admit the way the world has unfolding before my eyes throughout the years has left me quite weary. People are horrible to each other and it just seems to be getting progressively worse. Still, I laugh, love and live as though everything is just as I want it to be because in many ways it is. I have control over my life right now. Although I still have yet to obtain the financial status I desire, I am happy with how my life is going.

I am going to have fun.

Free Will

WE all have free will. Most of us exercise it, but many of us give away our power to others. I'm not sure why people do this. I could list a million reasons, but none really answer the question as to why a person would give up themselves for another.

Why do you think it happens?

Changes

Something has happened. My husband is making some changes. They are small, but consistent. I am waiting and watching.

Nothing has changed for me. I have finally reached the end of my rope, but I am holding on. We will see.

I Like My Life

When I moved to Louisville, KY, I made up my mind I would not associate with anyone who did not have similar goals as mine. This strategy has paid off well and I have surrounded myself with actors, poets, and professional people.

I was requested by a friend to read her a play she is working on for Actor's Theatre. It was exciting and felt really good to have her ask me to be a part of her process.

It is important you surround yourself with like minds. I know it is impossible to have every relationship be compatible, but we must have people in our lives who reflect what we want to see in ourselves.

Paying Attention

There is love all around. Pay attention!