He Don't Like Women

When men don't like women, they are usually afraid of them. They don't understand the females, thus they are disparaging and condescending.

Ask yourself:

1. Does he believe woman was born to serve and service man?
2. Does he "own" her?
3. Is he born to give her orders?
4. Is she supposed to obey him?
5. Is woman innately dumb? Without opinions worth listening to.
6. What are his attitudes about shared responsibilities, about decision making, household and child-rearing chores, job-holding and how the money is used?
7. if dinner isn't on the table at 6:02, will he help or hit?
8. How secure is he? Is he so insecure that he's go to devalue his mate in order to inflate his ego?
9. Does he make a show of being supersecure, taking command of situations and people? The woman in his life--does she feel that as long as she's nearly perfect, everything will be all right? What will happen if she's herself? What is he like when he's angry? When he hears a differing viewpoint?
10. What is know about violence in his family? Ask, are you afraid too?

Many women do not know their husbands family history. He may not be willing to tell you that his dad beat his mom every night. Women need to know that no one has the right to abuse another person. Everyone has the right to develop into the person they are meant to be, to make changes and decisions about their own lives. We all have the right to our own thoughts and feelings and to learn new ways of thinking and behaving.

If you are in a bad situation, know this:

1. I do not cause another person's violent behavior.
2. I do not like or want to be beaten.
3. I do not have to take it.
4. I am an important human being.
5. I deserve to be treated with respect.
6. I do have power over my own life.
7. I can use my power to take good care of myself.
8. I can decide what is best for me.
9. I can make changes in my life if I want to.
10. I am not alone; I can ask others for help.
11. I am worth working for and changing for.
12. I deserve a safe and healthy life.
13. I have the right to live in the safety and calm of a violence free home
14. I have the right to personal happiness without interference.I have the right to live in my own house without being molested or injured.

1. 
   

Born to Win

Gestalt therapy and transactional analysis is designed to help individuals discover, acknowledge, accept and intergrate the fragmented parts of their personalities.

Gestalt is a German word that means "an organzied whole- a whole that works together. Dr. Perls believed the personalities of many people suffer from not being whole and are fragmented.

"The aim of Gestalt therapy is to help people become whole, to help them become aware of, admit to, reclaim and intergrate the fragmented parts of their personality."

I see it all the time. Parts of people's personalities splinter off to deal with things they are afraid to or cannot deal with as a whole. The whole purpose of Gestalt therapy is to help people go from dependency to self-sufficiency.

Gestalt therapy talks about "ego states." I was having a conversation with a friend about my husband. She questioned whether he could be a good father, when in fact he was fairing poorly as a husband and even a man. I explained to her that just because he has problems with being those to things doesn't mean he can't parent.

In Gestalt, each person has three ego states, Parent, Adult and Child. These states individual and have certain patterns of behavior. When you act like your parent's behaved, you are in your parent ego state, when you are dealing with current reality, handling business, assessing or gathering facts, you are in your adult ego state.

According to Gestalt therapy the Parent ego state -"contains the attitudes and behavior a person learns from external sources, primarily parents. Outwardly, the Parent is expressed toward others in prejudicial, critical and nurturing behavior. Inwardly, it is experienced as old Parental messages which continue to influence the inner Child."

The Adult ego state-"is not related to a person's age. It is tuned in to current reality. The Adult is organized, adaptable, intelligent and functions by thinking clearly and objectively."

The Child ego state-"contains all the impulses that come naturally to an infant. It also contains the memories of the child's early experiences and responses."

It is believed that people can act from all ego states, or they may predominately choose one or two they feel comfortable with portraying most of the time.

My husband, since I've known him has mostly operated through his Child and Parent ego states. He is rarely in reality and seldom wants to deal with NOW!

So when I say I feel he is a pretty good parent, he is. His parenting skills are better than mine in many ways. But as we all know, most adults do not want to be parented, thus he runs into a lot of problems with people because he usually is in his Parent ego state. He is constantly trying to tell other people what they should and should not do, but has no clue when it comes to his own life.

I can literally say I've never felt like we have had an adult conversation. We have plenty parent conversations, but I draw the line when he is in his Child ego state. This is why we rarely talk.

We make a mistake when we look at people in an "all or nothing manner." People are amazing in amazing ways. They have so many layers. There are few people who are completely worthless. It is easy to write people off when they don't MEASURE up to our standards, but who are we to hold others to certain standards? That is not love. Not the love I know God wants us to have for our fellow man.

I value what my husband brings to our family as a parent. We have well mannered, intelligent, self-confident children. Their father has been extremely nurturing with them all their lives. Just the other day my son came to me and said, "Mom, even though I'm really mad at Dad, I have to admit he has always shown me love."

Maybe that shouldn't be enough for me, but it is. I went my entire childhood feeling unloved by parents who provided love through lip service, while simultaneously doing everything they could to rob me of my soul. At the end of the day, knowing you are loved is the best sleeping pill.

Empathy: Part Two

Of course I expected women to be upset with the first part of this on going blog. My values have been challenged. I was asked, "Are you saying that you do not believe in monogamy in a marriage."

I believe marriage is the only relationship where monogamy can be assumed. I do not believe men or women are naturally monogamous. Monogamy is a choice. I got married because when I saw what AIDS did to Rock Hudson, one of the most beautiful men I have ever laid eyes on, I was horrified.

I immediately vowed to give up my "free love" lifestyle and chose to marry.

I did so knowing there was a possibility either one of us would not be able to hold to our vows of only having sex with the other. My first blog was specifically written with the purpose of focusing on men.

I valued myself and I saw participating in a monogamous relationship as a narrowing of the opportunity I would catch that horrible disease. I never wanted to marry. I wasn't one of those girls who fantasized about being a mother or having kids. I've always wanted to be a career woman free to do what I want when I want. My self-respect wouldn't let me continue to have meaningless sex with men of my choice. I valued who I could be as a woman and I refused to allow giving into what amounts to biological, natural desires to cause me to lose my life.

Men, on the other hand, seem to have a harder time resisting their flesh. What I was saying in the other blog is; after raising a boy, I can empathize with their struggle. Some women who don't know their husband's masturbate, and/or haven't reared little boys have no idea of what it is like to watch a male struggle with what is the appropriate handling of their penis. I had to begin teaching my son at the age of three, (when he discovered his penis felt good when his rubbed it) that it was inappropriate to touch himself in front of others. I would direct him to his room, with his penis in his hand letting him know through my actions that I had no issue with him touching him, as much as I did with the fact he did so in front of others and in the living room.

I did him a great service. By not shaming him, I allowed him to do what comes natural and gave him life skills at the same time. Say what you want, you cannot go against nature. God did not intend males to have to go through such torture. They are all born with foreskins, but in our lazy culture the skin is removed because disease can easily hide in the folds of the skin. A man has to be very clean to keep odor, and disease away. Removing the foreskin is a religious ritual for the Jewish faith, but it is done to prevent disease and make it easier to keep clean.

If we (men and women) would only think of each other as undiscovered territory, we could be monogamous. Instead, because we are never content, we want to believe there is always something better, when most often we don't even know what we got in the bed with us.

I believe marriage is the only true relationship that can sustain monogamy. The vows dictate it. The couple swears to it. I can be done.