I miss being married and having someone to share my day-to-day with. Whenever something happens, I think of the man I married first. I still want to share everything with him and I can't. This is the tragedy of separation and divorce. They cut you off from that which you have desired the most and for the longest. We had so many years in and to have it all fall down was hard for me.
I know the separation is for the best and the only answer for us. Still, it does not stop me from being desirous of a healthy, loving relationship. Don't know if I'll ever marry again. Right know, I just miss being married.
Showing posts with label beliefs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beliefs. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Friday, January 4, 2013
She Read the Books
I received a message on Facebook from a woman who relocated her from LA. She said she found two of my books in the lobby of Hotel Louisville and wanted to talk to me. I called her and the first question she asked was, "Do you believe in God?"
I was taken aback and replied, "Of course I do. Why would I go against God for something a man did? I believe even more so now. I survived."
On paper my marriage reads like a horror story and in many ways it was. Yet, there were just as many tender, kind and fun moments. That is one of the reason I stayed so long. It really did even out in a lot of ways. In reality, my marriage was not that different than many marriages today. People feel because the marriage is supposed to be based on two people loving each that everything should be fine. What they fail to realize is love is never enough.
Marriage requires agreement and we all know, especially in many black homes, there is not much agreeing going on; not even agreeing to disagree. I find men a lot more willing to be agreeable than women. Most men, in my experience do not like to argue and fight. Sure there are a lot of exceptions to the rule, but I would take the liberty of stating that I believe men are more reasonable when it comes to relationships.
Women, whether black or white tend to want to be right about everything just because they are women. Yes, I will say that about 75% of the time we are right, but rubbing it in and insisting on it only makes you look ugly and unable to be humble when it is required.
The woman who read my books thought I would have turned my back on God because my marriage failed. What she didn't understand, obviously, is that I was living in God's will. There were a lot of things I needed to learn during my marriage and it was important that I did. Throughout the years it got harder and harder, but I was intrigued. I wanted to see what forever looked like for us.
People who give up on God are serving man. I know who is my keeper, my help. I prayed everyday for guidance, understanding and peace. She read the books, but missed the message. She was too busy wondering why I stayed and "put up with him." Anybody whose been married knows the putting up with goes both ways.
It is my desire to educate and inform through my books. Sometimes readers want the ending they desire. Sometimes you have to accept that it is what it is.
I was taken aback and replied, "Of course I do. Why would I go against God for something a man did? I believe even more so now. I survived."
On paper my marriage reads like a horror story and in many ways it was. Yet, there were just as many tender, kind and fun moments. That is one of the reason I stayed so long. It really did even out in a lot of ways. In reality, my marriage was not that different than many marriages today. People feel because the marriage is supposed to be based on two people loving each that everything should be fine. What they fail to realize is love is never enough.
Marriage requires agreement and we all know, especially in many black homes, there is not much agreeing going on; not even agreeing to disagree. I find men a lot more willing to be agreeable than women. Most men, in my experience do not like to argue and fight. Sure there are a lot of exceptions to the rule, but I would take the liberty of stating that I believe men are more reasonable when it comes to relationships.
Women, whether black or white tend to want to be right about everything just because they are women. Yes, I will say that about 75% of the time we are right, but rubbing it in and insisting on it only makes you look ugly and unable to be humble when it is required.
The woman who read my books thought I would have turned my back on God because my marriage failed. What she didn't understand, obviously, is that I was living in God's will. There were a lot of things I needed to learn during my marriage and it was important that I did. Throughout the years it got harder and harder, but I was intrigued. I wanted to see what forever looked like for us.
People who give up on God are serving man. I know who is my keeper, my help. I prayed everyday for guidance, understanding and peace. She read the books, but missed the message. She was too busy wondering why I stayed and "put up with him." Anybody whose been married knows the putting up with goes both ways.
It is my desire to educate and inform through my books. Sometimes readers want the ending they desire. Sometimes you have to accept that it is what it is.
Monday, November 28, 2011
So Glad I Don't Have to Know Everything
I have no idea where my life is headed, but I am okay with it. God has shown me consistently I am covered by grace. I have completed most of the goals I have set for myself. I feel there is so much more I need to do while on this earth.
I do plan to become an insurance agent, but I feel there is something more. I am so glad I don't have to know everything to move forward. I believe I will be guided correctly if I respond correctly. Even when we make choices we feel are best for us, there is still work to do.
So many of us feel like we have to know everything about what is expected of us before we will commit to doing what is required. Part of living is discovering. Life is an adventure. I moving forward without all the answers and I am grateful to be to do it.
I do plan to become an insurance agent, but I feel there is something more. I am so glad I don't have to know everything to move forward. I believe I will be guided correctly if I respond correctly. Even when we make choices we feel are best for us, there is still work to do.
So many of us feel like we have to know everything about what is expected of us before we will commit to doing what is required. Part of living is discovering. Life is an adventure. I moving forward without all the answers and I am grateful to be to do it.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Why I Am Okay
A friend asked me how I was holding up. Before that question she had talked about the sermon her minister gave regarding being redeemed. I replied to her question, "I am redeemed."
I obeyed God and stayed in my marriage until it was clearly no hope of survival. I encountered was rough patches, but for the most part, I must admit, I did it with ease. I withstood situations, scenarios, and circumstances; that quite frankly would have sent some of the baddest sisters a runnin'. I hung in there.
God promised me, me at the end. I knew I would have my mind, body, and soul intact. I obeyed and now that it is over, I feel transformed. I have learned so much loving someone who was hard to love.
My next few post will be about what I learned during my 26 year relationship with one man.
I am okay because I believed and had faith I would be a victor when all was said and done. There is no loss.
I obeyed God and stayed in my marriage until it was clearly no hope of survival. I encountered was rough patches, but for the most part, I must admit, I did it with ease. I withstood situations, scenarios, and circumstances; that quite frankly would have sent some of the baddest sisters a runnin'. I hung in there.
God promised me, me at the end. I knew I would have my mind, body, and soul intact. I obeyed and now that it is over, I feel transformed. I have learned so much loving someone who was hard to love.
My next few post will be about what I learned during my 26 year relationship with one man.
I am okay because I believed and had faith I would be a victor when all was said and done. There is no loss.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
My Sonny
Our son is great. I know it is strange to hear a parent saying something good about their child, but he is. He isn't working right now and he thinks I should be bothered by the fact, but I am not. I knew when my boy was six years old that he was a producer. He likes to work. It is just a matter of him finding what kind of work suits him best.
While I was cooking his favorite foods the other day, he stopped and talked to me as he often does when I cook. He told me he was trying to find a job and that he had began to look at business colleges. I have often asked him what he wanted to do for a profession and he would say, "I want to go into business." When I would pressure him to tell me what kind of business, he could not answer.
When he got in high school, he maintain the explanation of business until he reached the 11th grade and made up his mind he wanted to go into retail. I hooked him up with a friend who owns a clothing store and he shadowed him for a few days. He came home convinced he wanted to own his own clothing store.
My Sonny is an artist and I suggested he come up with an original design and make some T-Shirts to start his venture. He has been reluctant to take that advice for whatever reason. I let him know the other day that I did not take him seriously about wanting to go into business until he told me he was looking into business colleges. I also let him know that I had complete faith in his ability to do and be whatever he chooses.
Then, I told him, "Sonny, I never think about you doing anything wrong. I never see you as the bad guy. Someone who would steal, or lie, or hurt someone. I want to be completely surprised if someone came to me and told me you did something wrong. I ain't crazy, I know you do things that are wrong, but you know what I'm talking about. When the police come to the door, I want to be so much in shock that I just fall out when they tell me what you did."
He laughed. I need him to know I have faith in him and I trust him. My Sonny was raised to think. I taught him that his mind was his best weapon and that it could change within an instant, thus changing his life. I have told him from the day I touched him that he has the power to change. I have also led him to believe their is nobody better or more deserving to have a good life than he, especially if he is willing to work for it, which he is, so my Sonny is great.
While I was cooking his favorite foods the other day, he stopped and talked to me as he often does when I cook. He told me he was trying to find a job and that he had began to look at business colleges. I have often asked him what he wanted to do for a profession and he would say, "I want to go into business." When I would pressure him to tell me what kind of business, he could not answer.
When he got in high school, he maintain the explanation of business until he reached the 11th grade and made up his mind he wanted to go into retail. I hooked him up with a friend who owns a clothing store and he shadowed him for a few days. He came home convinced he wanted to own his own clothing store.
My Sonny is an artist and I suggested he come up with an original design and make some T-Shirts to start his venture. He has been reluctant to take that advice for whatever reason. I let him know the other day that I did not take him seriously about wanting to go into business until he told me he was looking into business colleges. I also let him know that I had complete faith in his ability to do and be whatever he chooses.
Then, I told him, "Sonny, I never think about you doing anything wrong. I never see you as the bad guy. Someone who would steal, or lie, or hurt someone. I want to be completely surprised if someone came to me and told me you did something wrong. I ain't crazy, I know you do things that are wrong, but you know what I'm talking about. When the police come to the door, I want to be so much in shock that I just fall out when they tell me what you did."
He laughed. I need him to know I have faith in him and I trust him. My Sonny was raised to think. I taught him that his mind was his best weapon and that it could change within an instant, thus changing his life. I have told him from the day I touched him that he has the power to change. I have also led him to believe their is nobody better or more deserving to have a good life than he, especially if he is willing to work for it, which he is, so my Sonny is great.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Even I Know
Even I know that what I believe may not be real. I know that our beliefs are based on the feelings and knowledge we have accumulated throughout our lives. Some of it valid, some not. Some based on the truth, some not. I know that just because I believe something it doesn't make it so.
Unfortunately, when it comes to religion, people tend to believe others should believe what they do. Especially when it comes to Christianity. When certain Christians meet those who say they believe the tenets that Christians aspire to are great, but they are not impressed by the religion, they immediately start talking about the person not believing in God. Jesus is not God. In the Christian religion he may be to some, but to those who believe something else, Jesus is not God.
Many Christians act as if they have a patent on God, when in fact God belongs to us all. Just because you believe you have to go through Jesus to get to God, doesn't mean everyone else does and it does not mean they are going to hell because they don't believe what you do.
As a black person, I find it hard to subscribe to a religion that was used to oppress my ancestors. They used the religion to make them believe they were supposed to be slaves. Then they used the Bible to keep them oppressed up to this day. People are afraid to think for themselves. They are afraid to go with what they feel. They allow themselves to be swayed and manipulated.
Religion, politics, love, these passions do not make for good conversation because people's emotions are involved. Even I know you have to let go and let God.
Unfortunately, when it comes to religion, people tend to believe others should believe what they do. Especially when it comes to Christianity. When certain Christians meet those who say they believe the tenets that Christians aspire to are great, but they are not impressed by the religion, they immediately start talking about the person not believing in God. Jesus is not God. In the Christian religion he may be to some, but to those who believe something else, Jesus is not God.
Many Christians act as if they have a patent on God, when in fact God belongs to us all. Just because you believe you have to go through Jesus to get to God, doesn't mean everyone else does and it does not mean they are going to hell because they don't believe what you do.
As a black person, I find it hard to subscribe to a religion that was used to oppress my ancestors. They used the religion to make them believe they were supposed to be slaves. Then they used the Bible to keep them oppressed up to this day. People are afraid to think for themselves. They are afraid to go with what they feel. They allow themselves to be swayed and manipulated.
Religion, politics, love, these passions do not make for good conversation because people's emotions are involved. Even I know you have to let go and let God.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The Bible Tells Me So
I have to admit I am sick of all the scripture written on Facebook. There are too many of us that don't know the word. There are even fewer of us who can't quote the Bible, but there are a whole bunch of us who cannot live it.
After a while, it is overkill. Too much of anything is too much and I say there are way too many folk preaching on Facebook. It is almost like they think they are being wise, or smart, or real, but in reality, they are hiding behind the word. Yes, I do believe they are hiding behind the word. Some of these people I know personally and I know they are doing it for show because they have nothing real to say.
You have a word for someone that is your own that will mean just as much as scripture or maybe more because the person will fill it came from the heart and not from you searching for just the right quote to paste on your wall.
I am also not impressed by all the husband and wife ministry teams that are cropping up. It is almost like couples are sitting back trying to figure out an income stream, and miraculously, both of them have been called to preach. Anyway!
I am so glad I know that I know that I know. I am so glad I don't feel it necessary to beat people over the head with scripture, then can simultaneously not have a kind word for my family, or friends. I will tell you people are frontin' and it ain't cute. God don't like ugly and I know, because the bible tells me so.
After a while, it is overkill. Too much of anything is too much and I say there are way too many folk preaching on Facebook. It is almost like they think they are being wise, or smart, or real, but in reality, they are hiding behind the word. Yes, I do believe they are hiding behind the word. Some of these people I know personally and I know they are doing it for show because they have nothing real to say.
You have a word for someone that is your own that will mean just as much as scripture or maybe more because the person will fill it came from the heart and not from you searching for just the right quote to paste on your wall.
I am also not impressed by all the husband and wife ministry teams that are cropping up. It is almost like couples are sitting back trying to figure out an income stream, and miraculously, both of them have been called to preach. Anyway!
I am so glad I know that I know that I know. I am so glad I don't feel it necessary to beat people over the head with scripture, then can simultaneously not have a kind word for my family, or friends. I will tell you people are frontin' and it ain't cute. God don't like ugly and I know, because the bible tells me so.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
BCS-Basic Communication Skills-3
Describing Own Feelings
Describing your own feelings helps others to understand how you feel so that they can respond to you with greater efficacy. although feelings get expressed in many different ways, usually people make no attempt to describe or identify directly the feelings themselves. When you merely express your feelings, the other person must try to infer your emotional state from a variety of cues. Since these cues are often ambiguous or even contradictory, the likelihood of misperception is great. When you directly describe your own feelings, however, the chance of misinterpretation and resultant action based on false assumptions are decreased.
Dissatisfaction and hostile feelings often indicate that faulty communication and misunderstanding have occurred. When these feelings arise, you and the other person should discuss how each sees the situation or the relationship. In this way, you may discover that your feelings come from misperceptions of the situation or misunderstandings of the motives of the other person. More accurate communication should cause the hostile feelings to abate. On the other hand, if your feeling of rejection are a response to the actions of the other person, he may want to change this own behavior. This desire for change is particularly likely if the other becomes aware that his actions are arousing feelings i you or others that he does not intend. In this case, you have helped him to reduce his "blind area" by providing him with a description of your own feelings.
There are strong norms in our culture against expressing emotions openly and also again acknowledging that you perceive the other to be experiencing the description of feelings the most difficult of the skills presented here. They often ask for guideline regarding the appropriate times to describe your feelings. One of the best criteria, with regard to negative feelings at least, is to ask yourself whether you are going to harbor anxious or resentful feelings against the other. You should share your feelings when you feel that you will be uncomfortable if you do not.
The aim in describing your own feelings is to provide the other with accurate information about your emotional state. It should not be an effort to coerce the other into changing his annoying actions so that you will not feel as you do. Do not threaten the other with your feelings. By reporting your inner state, you are providing information that is necessary if the two of you are to understand each other and improve your relationship.
Describing your own feelings helps others to understand how you feel so that they can respond to you with greater efficacy. although feelings get expressed in many different ways, usually people make no attempt to describe or identify directly the feelings themselves. When you merely express your feelings, the other person must try to infer your emotional state from a variety of cues. Since these cues are often ambiguous or even contradictory, the likelihood of misperception is great. When you directly describe your own feelings, however, the chance of misinterpretation and resultant action based on false assumptions are decreased.
Dissatisfaction and hostile feelings often indicate that faulty communication and misunderstanding have occurred. When these feelings arise, you and the other person should discuss how each sees the situation or the relationship. In this way, you may discover that your feelings come from misperceptions of the situation or misunderstandings of the motives of the other person. More accurate communication should cause the hostile feelings to abate. On the other hand, if your feeling of rejection are a response to the actions of the other person, he may want to change this own behavior. This desire for change is particularly likely if the other becomes aware that his actions are arousing feelings i you or others that he does not intend. In this case, you have helped him to reduce his "blind area" by providing him with a description of your own feelings.
There are strong norms in our culture against expressing emotions openly and also again acknowledging that you perceive the other to be experiencing the description of feelings the most difficult of the skills presented here. They often ask for guideline regarding the appropriate times to describe your feelings. One of the best criteria, with regard to negative feelings at least, is to ask yourself whether you are going to harbor anxious or resentful feelings against the other. You should share your feelings when you feel that you will be uncomfortable if you do not.
The aim in describing your own feelings is to provide the other with accurate information about your emotional state. It should not be an effort to coerce the other into changing his annoying actions so that you will not feel as you do. Do not threaten the other with your feelings. By reporting your inner state, you are providing information that is necessary if the two of you are to understand each other and improve your relationship.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Belief
Many people don't understand that just because they believe something it doesn't make it real. It may be real to you, but mean nothing to others. Belief does not mean truth.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Changes
Something has happened. My husband is making some changes. They are small, but consistent. I am waiting and watching.
Nothing has changed for me. I have finally reached the end of my rope, but I am holding on. We will see.
Nothing has changed for me. I have finally reached the end of my rope, but I am holding on. We will see.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Empathy: Part Two
Of course I expected women to be upset with the first part of this on going blog. My values have been challenged. I was asked, "Are you saying that you do not believe in monogamy in a marriage."
I believe marriage is the only relationship where monogamy can be assumed. I do not believe men or women are naturally monogamous. Monogamy is a choice. I got married because when I saw what AIDS did to Rock Hudson, one of the most beautiful men I have ever laid eyes on, I was horrified.
I immediately vowed to give up my "free love" lifestyle and chose to marry.
I did so knowing there was a possibility either one of us would not be able to hold to our vows of only having sex with the other. My first blog was specifically written with the purpose of focusing on men.
I valued myself and I saw participating in a monogamous relationship as a narrowing of the opportunity I would catch that horrible disease. I never wanted to marry. I wasn't one of those girls who fantasized about being a mother or having kids. I've always wanted to be a career woman free to do what I want when I want. My self-respect wouldn't let me continue to have meaningless sex with men of my choice. I valued who I could be as a woman and I refused to allow giving into what amounts to biological, natural desires to cause me to lose my life.
Men, on the other hand, seem to have a harder time resisting their flesh. What I was saying in the other blog is; after raising a boy, I can empathize with their struggle. Some women who don't know their husband's masturbate, and/or haven't reared little boys have no idea of what it is like to watch a male struggle with what is the appropriate handling of their penis. I had to begin teaching my son at the age of three, (when he discovered his penis felt good when his rubbed it) that it was inappropriate to touch himself in front of others. I would direct him to his room, with his penis in his hand letting him know through my actions that I had no issue with him touching him, as much as I did with the fact he did so in front of others and in the living room.
I did him a great service. By not shaming him, I allowed him to do what comes natural and gave him life skills at the same time. Say what you want, you cannot go against nature. God did not intend males to have to go through such torture. They are all born with foreskins, but in our lazy culture the skin is removed because disease can easily hide in the folds of the skin. A man has to be very clean to keep odor, and disease away. Removing the foreskin is a religious ritual for the Jewish faith, but it is done to prevent disease and make it easier to keep clean.
If we (men and women) would only think of each other as undiscovered territory, we could be monogamous. Instead, because we are never content, we want to believe there is always something better, when most often we don't even know what we got in the bed with us.
I believe marriage is the only true relationship that can sustain monogamy. The vows dictate it. The couple swears to it. I can be done.
I believe marriage is the only relationship where monogamy can be assumed. I do not believe men or women are naturally monogamous. Monogamy is a choice. I got married because when I saw what AIDS did to Rock Hudson, one of the most beautiful men I have ever laid eyes on, I was horrified.
I immediately vowed to give up my "free love" lifestyle and chose to marry.
I did so knowing there was a possibility either one of us would not be able to hold to our vows of only having sex with the other. My first blog was specifically written with the purpose of focusing on men.
I valued myself and I saw participating in a monogamous relationship as a narrowing of the opportunity I would catch that horrible disease. I never wanted to marry. I wasn't one of those girls who fantasized about being a mother or having kids. I've always wanted to be a career woman free to do what I want when I want. My self-respect wouldn't let me continue to have meaningless sex with men of my choice. I valued who I could be as a woman and I refused to allow giving into what amounts to biological, natural desires to cause me to lose my life.
Men, on the other hand, seem to have a harder time resisting their flesh. What I was saying in the other blog is; after raising a boy, I can empathize with their struggle. Some women who don't know their husband's masturbate, and/or haven't reared little boys have no idea of what it is like to watch a male struggle with what is the appropriate handling of their penis. I had to begin teaching my son at the age of three, (when he discovered his penis felt good when his rubbed it) that it was inappropriate to touch himself in front of others. I would direct him to his room, with his penis in his hand letting him know through my actions that I had no issue with him touching him, as much as I did with the fact he did so in front of others and in the living room.
I did him a great service. By not shaming him, I allowed him to do what comes natural and gave him life skills at the same time. Say what you want, you cannot go against nature. God did not intend males to have to go through such torture. They are all born with foreskins, but in our lazy culture the skin is removed because disease can easily hide in the folds of the skin. A man has to be very clean to keep odor, and disease away. Removing the foreskin is a religious ritual for the Jewish faith, but it is done to prevent disease and make it easier to keep clean.
If we (men and women) would only think of each other as undiscovered territory, we could be monogamous. Instead, because we are never content, we want to believe there is always something better, when most often we don't even know what we got in the bed with us.
I believe marriage is the only true relationship that can sustain monogamy. The vows dictate it. The couple swears to it. I can be done.
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