How To Prevent Unwanted Pregnancy

Say what you want to folk are going to have sex. Sex is a natural as breathing, eating, sleeping. Sex is a mush if we are to survive as a human race. Yet, we are still so warped in our thinking about sex until we still have an abundance of unwanted pregnancies.

The way to prevent unwanted pregnancies for teenagers or adults is to help folk figure out what is in their best interest.

Oftentimes parents do not want to talk about sex because of their own hangups. First, parents need to get over themselves and accept their responsibility to protect their children. Protection goes far beyond preaching to them the virtues of abstinence. We all know how far that goes up against nature and it powerful drives.

What is needed is information and open communication. Girls and boys should be taught that sex is a natural and necessary part of human development. Along with this knowledge they should be told they are capable of suppressing these desires, if they so choose. They should be made aware that they have the mental capacity to figure out how a child would impact their immediate future and bee allowed to make the decision whether having a child is in their best interest.

What teen aged girl or boy of average understanding would say they want to interrupt their childhood to take care of a child? Only providing one option, abstinence, is what has gotten us to this place thus far.

We need to share our personal stories with our children. Many do not want to do that for fear of being judged over the revelation that many of them got pregnant before they were ready and were not married. Instead, these parents lay down their law which cannot go up against the law of nature.

We consistently try to fight battles we cannot win with demands and dictates that bear no fruit. Give your teenager the information, help them brainstorm, imagine, and visualize what their lives would be like if they brought a child into the world. The truth is deterrent enough if we would only embrace it.

Our fear of sex is killing us. I heard there are some that are likening providing birth control to teenagers is the equivalent to passing out drug paraphernalia. Really? It is amazing how far folk will go to keep from dealing with reality.

The solution is so simple. Acceptance and education. We need to accept that our children will eventually have sex and educate them properly so they may make good choices when the time comes.

It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday

I have lost two very important people within three months. They have left for very different reasons, but they are gone all the same. I am continuously reminded I can only change myself and that I must allow others to live their lives.

Still, I can't help but think about "What if?" I immediately go back to "What is!" That is the only way I can accept what is going on. One relationship is 31 years old and the other 26. Long-term relationships changing can cause one to have a lot of thoughts and I am no different. I know it is for the better that things are the way the are. On a daily basis I feel greater than I have in my life. So, I know God is happy with what is going on, but still, they were important and very close people to me, and now they are gone and most likely for good.

I will talk to them again, but I probably won't spend any true significant time with them as they are both heading for new lives that will not include me. It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

What We Give Up To Please Ourselves

I often write about how marriage gives us the opportunity to learn to share and to be open to love. I can truly say I learned those things in my marriage. Marriage shaped me and beckoned me to search for ways to be used so that I could share the glory one feels when they are giving out of love.

It never really mattered to me that my husband didn't work because he was such a good house husband. It bothered him, thus we'd have arguments, not because he wasn't working, but because of how he felt about not working.

What I gave up to please myself was the experience of having a partner who shared their finances with the household. I never truly made demands on his income. I took more of the attitude that as long as he didn't have to ask me for money, or take away from the household, I didn't care.

Although, to me, we benefited more by him not working and taking care of the house and our young children; I had to accept that he struggled with his manhood already, and although he was pretty comfortable in the role, at times he felt "less than a man." Like I said in an earlier blog, we get too attached to ideals of who we are, instead of accepting who we are. He was more domestic than I and both of us knew it. We did what was best for our family.

If I must say so, my kids are the better for it. They are some very well-mannered, kind, thoughtful, decent children and their father has a lot to do with it. Yes, I gave up financial security for peace of mind and I would do it again.

My Son

My only son turned 20 years old yesterday. I must say I am truly proud of him. He has never been in any serious trouble. He has no children. No girlfriend drama. He doesn't run the streets and he is pretty content to be at home.

"Mom, I look just like you," he said yesterday, with a big smile on his face. He is always trying to find ways that he is like me. Even though he says he doesn't like me, he considers me a great role model, because I am. He is aware of my value as a person.

He has a reputation in the house for being selfish and self-centered. His sister and I are often trying to help him understand how uncool that really is. He knows it, but he still does it. He'll have to have real life experiences before he truly understands he can't make it realistically just thinking about himself all the time.

I am proud of my boy. I wish him well and I know he will continue to be the thinking man he is today. Happy birthday Sonny Son.

My 31 Year Old

My 31 year old daughter lives with me. She had an apartment for over 3 years. When my husband and I separated, she moved back home. The other day she came to me and was very serious. She said, "Mom, I want to thank you for being you. You are the perfect blend of mother and friend. You know how to just listen and let me say what I need, but you also know how to slip that mother thing in to make a point. Thank you for letting me stay with you. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for not being one of those mothers who are all in your business."

I listened with glee. I felt proud that my daughter recognized that I am not the typical mother by any means. She and my son often praise me on how I don't over step my boundaries and I allow them to grow on their own as adults.

I never wanted to be the type of parent who continuously parents throughout their children's lives. I did all I could to guide them in what I believed to be the right way when I had full charge over them. After they turn 18, it is their turn to show me what they are working with.

I can tell my daughter is really proud of our relationship. So many of her friends complain about their mothers and she has none. I really don't bother her. Even though she lives at home, I go weeks without seeing her, but not without her kisses. Even if I'm sleep, she comes in my room and kisses me while I'm sleep. Sometimes I think I'm dreaming, but it was really her feeling compelled to love on her mommy.

She is a late bloomer and I have always known that. I am glad that I have not held her to the standard I hold for myself, because we would have a lot of issues. Since I do not do that to her, we have a very loving and loyal relationship.

I am truly blessed to have figured out some things early on about parenting and child rearing that has helped me break the cycle of abuse that was so prevalent in my family. Because of my ability to be who I want to be, I have love from those who mean the most to me.

My Sonny

Our son is great. I know it is strange to hear a parent saying something good about their child, but he is. He isn't working right now and he thinks I should be bothered by the fact, but I am not. I knew when my boy was six years old that he was a producer. He likes to work. It is just a matter of him finding what kind of work suits him best.

While I was cooking his favorite foods the other day, he stopped and talked to me as he often does when I cook. He told me he was trying to find a job and that he had began to look at business colleges. I have often asked him what he wanted to do for a profession and he would say, "I want to go into business." When I would pressure him to tell me what kind of business, he could not answer.

When he got in high school, he maintain the explanation of business until he reached the 11th grade and made up his mind he wanted to go into retail. I hooked him up with a friend who owns a clothing store and he shadowed him for a few days. He came home convinced he wanted to own his own clothing store.

My Sonny is an artist and I suggested he come up with an original design and make some T-Shirts to start his venture. He has been reluctant to take that advice for whatever reason. I let him know the other day that I did not take him seriously about wanting to go into business until he told me he was looking into business colleges. I also let him know that I had complete faith in his ability to do and be whatever he chooses.

Then, I told him, "Sonny, I never think about you doing anything wrong. I never see you as the bad guy. Someone who would steal, or lie, or hurt someone. I want to be completely surprised if someone came to me and told me you did something wrong. I ain't crazy, I know you do things that are wrong, but you know what I'm talking about. When the police come to the door, I want to be so much in shock that I just fall out when they tell me what you did."

He laughed. I need him to know I have faith in him and I trust him. My Sonny was raised to think. I taught him that his mind was his best weapon and that it could change within an instant, thus changing his life. I have told him from the day I touched him that he has the power to change. I have also led him to believe their is nobody better or more deserving to have a good life than he, especially if he is willing to work for it, which he is, so my Sonny is great.

31 Years Ago

31 years ago on the 15th of December, 1979 at 10:21 p.m. I gave birth to my oldest daughter. 31 years later a marvel at how she turned out and feel blessed to have helped bring her into the world. I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful daughter.

She tells me I am her best friend. It was never my intention. I have always let her know I was not the type of parent to befriend my children. Yet, she claims I am the best friend she has. I accept it. We do get along very well and I trust her completely. She has been a great big sister to her siblings and is always willing and ready to help them in any way.

Now that she is 31, I look at her with brand new eyes, she is a grown woman for sure. I look forward to the next 31 years.

Leaving Me

My husband, a severe diabetic is in kidney and liver failure. I can only pray for him I truly care about him.

It Is Not Your Fault

"For the emotionally abused child, healing comes down to forgiving yourself--knowing you deserve to be respected, you deserve to be loved."

I was an emotionally abused child. I was also physically abused. (That is a different blog.)
Both parents abused me emotionally and they felt they were doing it for my own good.

"We must renounce the lie that emotional abuse prepares children for a hard life in a tough world. I've met some people who were prepared for a hard life that way--I met them while they were doing life."

Yes, abuse of any kind for any reason seldom has the effect that some thinks it should. Everyone deserves to be loved and respected for who they are. Oftentimes, parents emotionally abuse their children because they were, but most times they do it because it comes easier than actually finding out who the child is and helping mold them into the person they seem to be developing.

Parents who abuse their children emotionally are leaving scars that often do not heal. People seldom forget being called stupid, or being told they will never amount to anything. Parents who do this will say, "I said those things hoping you would not be those things." It doesn't work like that. Negative reinforcement usually brings about some sort of negative manifestation of the self. Especially if it is your primary caretakers telling you this things about you. They are the people who are supposed to know you best. They reared you.

The problem is they do not know you and they are destroying you before you can completely develop. This is the problem with emotional abuse. It causes shame and guilt feelings when most often all the child is doing is trying to find their place in the world.

Be positive with your children and spouse. Elevate them, love them, respect them.

Acceptance

Sometimes it is hard to think about how much effort I have put into various people and activities throughout my lifetime. Next to losing weight, making an effort to save my marriage has been the hardest.



Even though I'm one of those people who believe, "If that don't do, try something new," I have given up on trying to find a husband in the man I married. He is relieved. Now that everything is out in the open, he doesn't have to try to be something he will never be and that is a man of honor and respect. These virtues were lost on him long before I met and married him. It has taken me a long time to understand you cannot really motivate someone, or help them if they don't have the capacity to recognize they need these things.



My husband is scrambling in many also. He is not crazy, so he knows he has lost a "good thing," when he lost his wife. The real sad part about it all is I ain't going nowhere. Even though I know for a fact God has released me from this marriage, I'm staying because I want to. I want "us" to rear our daughter and that is what we are going to do.



She appeared in her first stage play last week. Her dad and I were in the audience just beaming. She did a marvelous job. My husband kept saying, "We are such bad parents. We don't have a video camera." I never said a word. I don't believe whether you have "certain things" or not makes or breaks you as a parent. She got what was important to her; her parents being there.



I went out to congratulate her after her great performance and could barely reach her for the crowd of kids hanging literally on her and kissing her and hugging her and stating, "We love you."



I went back to my husband and told him, "I don't know what you're talking about. These kids love our daughter. That is the best proof we are excellent parents."



Our kids are loved wherever they go because they know how to love. A parent can't ask for more than that. They really can't.



As long as I continue to see positive changes and growth in my daughter, I'll stay in the marriage. It's not just about me. It really isn't and I am glad I am mature enough to recognize it.

Good Mother

I have been a mother since I was 17 years old. My oldest is 30. Every few months I ask my kids what they think I can do to be a better mother. For years each of them would mention my anger and yelling. I have a list of ten questions and as the years progressed, they only mentioned my level of anger and frustration.

I knew I had an issue with anger and I did my best to deal with the issues that was causing them. Yesterday, my 19 year-old son came told me that I seem a lot happier. He said, "You seem happy. You don't get a near as mad as you used to. I remember how you would always ask what you could change and you actually did it."

I said, "Son, what kids don't realize is most parents still have a lot of growing to do. We grow up with our kids. I'm the type of parent who chose to enlist help from you guys so I could work on what was keeping me from having a closer relationship with each of you. Each time I went down my checklist, all of you focused on the same area, so I did my best to make the necessary changes."

I think my willingness to respect my children makes me a good mother.

Born to Win

Gestalt therapy and transactional analysis is designed to help individuals discover, acknowledge, accept and intergrate the fragmented parts of their personalities.

Gestalt is a German word that means "an organzied whole- a whole that works together. Dr. Perls believed the personalities of many people suffer from not being whole and are fragmented.

"The aim of Gestalt therapy is to help people become whole, to help them become aware of, admit to, reclaim and intergrate the fragmented parts of their personality."

I see it all the time. Parts of people's personalities splinter off to deal with things they are afraid to or cannot deal with as a whole. The whole purpose of Gestalt therapy is to help people go from dependency to self-sufficiency.

Gestalt therapy talks about "ego states." I was having a conversation with a friend about my husband. She questioned whether he could be a good father, when in fact he was fairing poorly as a husband and even a man. I explained to her that just because he has problems with being those to things doesn't mean he can't parent.

In Gestalt, each person has three ego states, Parent, Adult and Child. These states individual and have certain patterns of behavior. When you act like your parent's behaved, you are in your parent ego state, when you are dealing with current reality, handling business, assessing or gathering facts, you are in your adult ego state.

According to Gestalt therapy the Parent ego state -"contains the attitudes and behavior a person learns from external sources, primarily parents. Outwardly, the Parent is expressed toward others in prejudicial, critical and nurturing behavior. Inwardly, it is experienced as old Parental messages which continue to influence the inner Child."

The Adult ego state-"is not related to a person's age. It is tuned in to current reality. The Adult is organized, adaptable, intelligent and functions by thinking clearly and objectively."

The Child ego state-"contains all the impulses that come naturally to an infant. It also contains the memories of the child's early experiences and responses."

It is believed that people can act from all ego states, or they may predominately choose one or two they feel comfortable with portraying most of the time.

My husband, since I've known him has mostly operated through his Child and Parent ego states. He is rarely in reality and seldom wants to deal with NOW!

So when I say I feel he is a pretty good parent, he is. His parenting skills are better than mine in many ways. But as we all know, most adults do not want to be parented, thus he runs into a lot of problems with people because he usually is in his Parent ego state. He is constantly trying to tell other people what they should and should not do, but has no clue when it comes to his own life.

I can literally say I've never felt like we have had an adult conversation. We have plenty parent conversations, but I draw the line when he is in his Child ego state. This is why we rarely talk.

We make a mistake when we look at people in an "all or nothing manner." People are amazing in amazing ways. They have so many layers. There are few people who are completely worthless. It is easy to write people off when they don't MEASURE up to our standards, but who are we to hold others to certain standards? That is not love. Not the love I know God wants us to have for our fellow man.

I value what my husband brings to our family as a parent. We have well mannered, intelligent, self-confident children. Their father has been extremely nurturing with them all their lives. Just the other day my son came to me and said, "Mom, even though I'm really mad at Dad, I have to admit he has always shown me love."

Maybe that shouldn't be enough for me, but it is. I went my entire childhood feeling unloved by parents who provided love through lip service, while simultaneously doing everything they could to rob me of my soul. At the end of the day, knowing you are loved is the best sleeping pill.